I’ve been on some online dating sites for a while now and overall they have not worked for me. I know several couples, married couples mind you, who have met online and fell in love and all that good stuff. But most of the women I meet on there just don’t do it for me. First take into account that I am a unique character looking for a unique woman who I think is the greatest woman around and already the decks are stacked against me. Then look at me on paper. On paper I’m not too appealing to many women. I know that. With me, if you look only at printable facts ($, degrees, possessions, even pictures) I don’t measure up to other choices out there and unfortunately many women can’t get past a profile. My charm and quality come through in conversation and as you get to know me. In reality I think I am a wonderful guy. Most people who know me would probably tell you. I guess that’s the key, if only you knew me. Plus it’s hard to translate great heart, honesty, loyalty, mind and spirit onto a profile but then I get to hear single women ramble on about finding a funny, smart, trust worthy guy with a good heart. HELLO! Do I have to wait until I’m around 50 when all the women my age are finished playing with the hot, rich and dangerous guys who treat them like crap, lie to them, disappoint them and break their hearts?
To make it a lot tougher, there’s my side of it. Many of the women on these sites just don’t appeal to me. It’s more than what my friends would describe as me being excessively picky although that has a lot to do with it. When I scan through the profiles a lot of the women look older than their ages! I look at the pictures for some 30 year olds and they look over 40! Say what you want about me and my weight troubles over the years but I’ve taken care of myself in other ways. I play sports and sweat all the time. I hardly get stressed about little things, generally keep an upbeat demeanor and I’m young at heart so maybe that helps me to look young for my age. Perhaps it’s my multi-racialness too, who knows? On my 36th birthday the other day, people kept telling me I looked 26 and 28 when I told them how old I was and boy did it bring a smile to my face each time. I’m a big kid and I suspect I am always going to look good for my age. That’s what I want in my partner. I’ve decided I can’t date someone who looks much older than they really are because I think that they are not like me in spirit. I don’t think the energy will click. I’m looking for a kindred spirit.
“One good thing about Internet dating: you’re guaranteed to click with whomever you meet.” –Anonymous
Well since I put the aging thing out there, I may as well mention other things that will not click or at least worry me about a potential mate.
Women with kids- I’m sorry but I want to be part of the process. Whether that means being the biological father or even selecting the child with my wife from adoption, I don’t want to raise someone else’s kids. Just like how I want to get married only one time in my life, I want to have something to do with any kids I have. Maybe it makes me old fashioned, but that’s me.
Suburbanites & Money- I’m not saying I wouldn’t date a suburbanite because that’s ridiculous but I do worry about chemistry with someone who has lived in the burbs their whole life. I’ve lived in the city my whole life and lots of times in poor neighborhoods. If the woman is not incredibly kind and open minded, then I really worry about us coming from different places. Because I’ve never had much I tend to take very little for granted. However someone who came from money or generous circumstances may view life differently and I might annoy them over what I value while they would certainly annoy me. I’m never impressed by money, possessions or material things. All I care about is you. When I meet women I often wonder how we will relate culturally and from our upbringings. It’s not a dealbreaker but I think I can connect a lot easier with a woman who comes from a somewhat similar place.
Shallow, phony people- This goes without saying. I perceive this as bad energy and I avoid it from every direction. If I meet a phony guy, I know I’ll never be friends with him. If I meet a phony woman, she’ll be lucky to get the time of day from me. Life is too important than to deal with the drama and games of people who aren’t on the level I feel like I am at.
When I am on these dating sites, I feel like sometimes I can see these things right there on the page. When a woman discusses liking the “finer things in life” or one who is going on about looking for her man to spoil her, I look on. I am so going to spoil my love with everything I am capable of giving to her, but mostly it will not be tangible. Knowing is better than having to me.
I’m currently on two sites and I probably get a message each day. My conversations with the women on these sites are often brief and cold. They don’t seem natural. The women seem stuck up, boring or stiff. Everybody is having little luck out there and everyone is untrusting. It feels so lifeless communicating with most of these women. Perhaps someone like me should be meeting women out there in the world, not on a page.
Either way, I know I’m not perfect. I do have my baggage. I’m a work in progress. I know I have tremendous strength and great heart inside of me but I know I feel stronger when I am part of a unit. What I’m thinking is I want someone who inspires me to be a better man. I want someone who inspires me to do the things I have been unwilling or unable to do in life. I want a “life muse” who is also my best friend. I want her to be the person I confide everything in. I want her to be the person I trust above all others and of course I want to be all of those things for her. I want her to have a smile that lights up the room. I want her to be the person I admire greatly and treat like gold and also the person who makes me so crazy (in the good sense) that I want to devour her all the time. So there it is, respect and ravage. Seems simple enough right? That’s what I am looking for. Easier said than done it seems.
I’d like to add for all my friends who are thinking that I have to lower my standards that I am not invulnerable to amazing women who don’t fit what I am looking for. There are a few women that I know with a little meat on their bones that unfortunately live in other cities or I would date them in a heartbeat. There’s a blonde out there that I think the world of and would also date in a second despite her being blonde. There are even a few women I know who listen to pop radio (oh the humanity) that I’d also date without hesitation. I guess the problem with these examples is that none of these women are available to me but the point is that if a wonderful woman comes along and she doesn’t fit the mold of what I’ve traditionally been attracted to, I will ignore my guidelines.
So I keep looking, high and low, near and far. I have so much love to give but I can’t find the person to give it to. With online dating I’ve learned to have high hopes but low expectations. I’ll keep going on there for now but I am starting to think it may not be worth it. What are your opinions on online dating?
"Do you believe in computer dating?”
“Only if the computers really love each other.” - Groucho Marx
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