Damn, you got ass! (8-16-12)

I know no man is an island but tonight in a sea of jam packed music fans numbering well into the thousands, I felt like one. You see, I just returned from the Thursday at the Harbor concert. I didn’t make it to the end. I went in with the best of intentions but like many other times my emotions got the better of me and I bailed out.

I was excited at the idea of seeing Salt n Pepa tonight. I had been planning on it all week. In my mind I probably had an image of how I wanted the evening to go. I was going to be smiling and having a great time with a group of friends reliving the soundtrack to part of my youth. That’s not the image that developed though. Unfortunately, tonight I spent nearly 90 uncomfortable minutes in the tightest possible space in the middle of thousands of people and I was alone. There were some good moments and some funny ones but the end result was anytime something great happened, there was no one to share it with. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again and again and again… happiness is best when shared.

When I approached the harbor I saw a crowd the likes of which I had never seen there. It was massive! Usually when you come over the little walking bridge and enter the concert area there are plenty of open pockets where you can seek refuge if you want a little air or just need to get away from the constant bumping and other contact. I generally like a foot of space between me and all other people at shows. This is why I almost never go all the way up to the front. When you are up there, there’s no way to avoid it. I know this and that’s why I’m usually in the back somewhere. With my height and my sharp vision I can see what’s going on from a long way and usually have the buffer zone I seek which helps me to be comfortable in a large crowd, which is one of the places where I often feel the least comfortable. It’s no secret I love intimacy. I like one on ones, small groups or at least where people can have some space of their own. There was none of that here tonight as the harbor was crammed with at least 15,000 people! When I was able to move a foot away from the people closest to me my relief was short lived as the traffic flow would see that one foot of space and before I knew it, 80 people were in line to cut right past me and my newly found space. So did I want to be a turnstile or did I want to keep breathing on people’s heads?

I was a long way from the stage, off to the side both to try to find that elusive comfort zone and also so I could keep an eye on who was coming in or walking around. I was hoping to find someone I knew. A conversation would help take my mind off the burden. I looked all the way back to the water for a pocket to chill in. There wasn’t one. When the first artist ended I was getting really antsy waiting for the 2^nd one. Speaking of 2^nd, the 2^nd hand smoke was absolutely brutal. In some cases it was so bad and so close I felt like I was almost taking drags right off people’s cigarettes. There was a ton of people smoking there. I would shift 4 or 5 steps to my left or right and I’d walk right into another person’s exhaust pipe. I really hate that smell.

This isn’t going to be all whining and gloom. It wasn’t all bad. The DJ who came on 2^nd, DJ Cutler is 2^nd to none and is definitely one of my favorite DJs. He played a lot of hip hop classics, many from the same time period as Salt n Pepa’s heyday. Occasionally I would get lost in a verse and forget my plight. Then some local breakdancers came out and got busy. It was 2 b-girls and one b-boy, all of whom I’ve seen many times and one who I like very much. The only person I know, who I knew would be there was my friend Stacy. However I also knew, she was going to be dancing on stage and wasn’t really an option to hang out with way back in the crowd where I was. That was unfortunate but I do admit when she was up there dancing and DJ Cutler was dropping it that was probably when I had the best time of my visit tonight. When that b-girl is doing her thing, I can’t be anything but happy. So I was for a little while. Unfortunately she couldn’t dance for the whole next hour until Salt n Pepa were ready to go! Regardless, I was so happy for her. I know how hard she works at her craft, so that must have been an awesome moment for her.

A funny moment was right after the breakdancers were finished and a couple of middle aged ladies were trying to squeeze through and pass behind me even though the girls packed in right behind me were literally right behind me. I could feel their arms touching the back of mine or even my back every so often. There wasn’t really any room back there but these ladies decided to try to pass through and the one lady ran right smack into my butt not once but twice. Upon first contact I sucked in my butt a bit but then 2 seconds later she slammed right into it again. Before I could attempt to shift a second time she yells out “damn you got ass!” as I lowered my head in a prolonged giggle. An older guy on the side was laughing too. I don’t talk about my bubble butt much. I tend to leave it where it rests… behind me but that lady made me laugh. I couldn’t be hurt or offended because of how big she was herself and the size of the opening, if you could call it that, she was trying to pass through.

Also, it always warms my heart when you can get thousands of people of all types together to have a good, positive time. The arts can do that. Different ages, cultures, backgrounds and the like all gathered in their love for art, in this case one of the quintessential hip hop acts from the golden age of the genre. I did enjoy the whole cosmic universal togetherness part of it despite my discomfort with air, space and loneliness.  

So while there were some good moments, it just wasn’t enough. When DJ Cutler announced he had a few more songs to spin and that Salt n Pepa would be on at 8:30 (it was 7:35ish) I thought there’s no way I can make through almost another hour with little to no entertainment as uncomfortable as I was. When there was music and dancing I could get lost in the beat, or lost in the dancer’s feet. Those things could take my discomfort away temporarily and prolong my stay. Without them, my mind had nowhere to go but where it was and the smoke kept coming and the people kept bumping and there was no one I knew in sight.

It was then I really started surveying the crowd in every direction looking for anyone I knew. I would have taken a co-worker, my mailman, a MySpace friend, even a person I saw at the store yesterday. There was nothing but strange faces. I was getting close to tapping out. I spent about 15 more minutes in that nearly desperate state. From almost the time I arrived I waited for someone to save me but after about 90 minutes total of overcrowded solitude I felt the need to save myself. I felt so uncomfortable and I was feeling sadder by the minute. I really can’t stand to feel that way, especially when the sadness joins the loneliness, so I started to make my way for the walking bridge and out of the concert. Once out I walked all the way home from the Harbor and while I did I pondered why I have this need to share the good times so damn much. I walked briskly trying to angrily convince myself I don’t need anyone when it’s completely obvious I do. I see right through my pride but I admit it’s easy to see inside. I wondered why I get so emotional… then I wondered why was I thinking of Whitney Houston when I should have been watching Salt n Pepa? J

After 70 minutes of walking I finally arrived home. Despite the fact I left prematurely and felt like I left something unfinished, I did start to feel a little better by relieving the pressure. I unlock my door and start to walk in. These days I have to walk in carefully because I have moving boxes all around. Despite that knowledge, I accidently brushed my backside against the top box in a stack and it tumbled to the floor. I smile and think to myself “Damn you got ass” as I gently close the door.   

Change (8-15-12)

"If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living."

-Gail Sheehy

If you look closely you can start to find changes all around. Leaves are starting to fall to the earth. Nights are becoming bearable for sleep. There’s a subtly changing vibe in the air. There are different colors, new events on the horizon, current events wrapping up. Shakespeare in the Park is in its last week. The Tuesday night Bidwell park concert series just concluded and Thursday at the Harbor only has 2 shows left. The Buffalo Bisons’ baseball season is nearly over. Football and hockey (hopefully) are right around the corner. I was telling someone recently that every time fall approaches I get excited because fall is my favorite season. Then when spring arrives 6 months later, spring becomes my favorite season… at least until the next fall. It goes on and on like that, always has been and while summer and winter are pretty reliable and predictable in terms of what you are going to get there’s always something exciting about fall and spring because of what you are going to get…  you’re going to get changes and a lot of them. 

The weather is the most obvious one and that alone has a cause and effect relationship with plenty of other changes. Off the top of my head I can think of quite a few that I make or notice during the fall: Clothes that haven’t been worn in a long time return to the rotation. Scarves, slacks and jeans in particular return to the daily party. The sunsets seem crisper. Butternut squash is back in season! I love the vibrant earthy colors. I’ll start drinking teas and wearing sleeves. There’s the anticipation and excitement of Halloween. I also love the sound of crackling leaves under foot. I definitely begin to pine a little more than usual for someone to snuggle with on those increasing chilly nights and of course, I get an intense craving for all things pumpkiny! Yes, I fall for fall... cheesy but true.

"The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance."

-Alan Watts

But all those changes notwithstanding this fall feels more significant than many of my recent ones. The first thing and biggest thing is that I’m moving into a new apartment for the first time in over 4 years. Moving is always an annoying endeavor but at the same time it’s still kind of fun and I’m feeling optimistic as this new place is bigger, complete with 2 porches (front and back), full laundry and a new roommate. Now I haven’t had a roommate in 5+ years so that will be an adjustment but she isn’t a clingy person so I can be distant when I need to be and that probably won’t bother her. I’ve also known her for several years and she seems to be very respectful of space and things like that so this is looking like more of a fun thing than a scary thing at this point.

“Change in all things is sweet.”

-Aristotle

In addition to new digs, I’ve been making new friends, moving on from some others. Things keep moving. Perhaps it’s all part of this momentum I’ve slowly been gaining over the last few years... the poetry, the ongoing weight loss and the slow and steady happiness I’ve been accumulating over time. Perhaps I need to keep making changes… sprinkling them in when I can so I can keep growing and evolving. It seemed like for many years there I was stuck, unsure and afraid of everything, completely raw, insecure and hating myself for all the wrong reasons.

When did it change? I’m not 100% sure but I do remember I started to meet quality new people with good energy and then something happened inside of me, sparks were ignited and I got off my ass and started to make some gradual changes. I overcame some fears, generated my own positive energy and here I am walking on this exciting road. Am I moving in the right direction? Does it matter? I have a long way to go but I’m moving and that seems right enough. Besides, I can’t talk about right or wrong until I get to where I’m going but I’ve found in this life that the travel is usually better than the destination and it’s so much better to walk a thousand miles to an unknown but hopeful place than to be waiting on some corner I know all too well for transit that will probably never come while lamenting my lack of wings. 

I’ve discovered while I’m not always ready for them, changes can be good and when I can dictate them like I’ve been doing most of the time lately, they can be very exciting indeed despite any reservations I may have. I can’t help but feel nervous about them. I think that’s true of most people. But me, I’m all about routines. I’m all about easy living, comfort and simple pleasures and I think I sometimes have to go along kicking and screaming a bit in the beginning when I shake things up as I cautiously embrace these changes, because I find them how I always found them, exciting but scary. Sometimes being scared is fun though, it’s part of the reason why I’ve always loved horror movies and when you push yourself to overcome your fears, you discover new worlds and learn more about yourself much like the hero/heroine does when they defeat the monster or villain. We hardly know of the strength within us until we are called upon to use it. Change will do that. Change can test us. Changes can stress us out but in the end they make us stronger. Some changes are certainly easier than others and deciding to make changes can lead to uncertain results but there is one thing that is for certain in our daily lives no matter how much we resist, change.

“If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.”

-Maya Angelou

Poetry 201: Recaps and Recordings (8-3-12)

A week ago today I was stressed and excited like you wouldn’t believe. I was only hours away from my poetry show Young Hearts and Old Minds and I wanted badly for things to go well. I’ve only been reading out sporadically the last few years but I feel like I’ve grown a lot as a poet. In the beginning I was petrified to read in front of people, which is quite natural but somehow in the 15 or so performances I’ve made at slams, open mics and festivals, the reading in front of strangers thing doesn’t bother me anymore. I’ve overcome that fear, poetry 101 passed with a B+. Now I’m on to poetry 201 and the anxiety comes from internal rather than external forces. It comes from myself. Now, my big fear is how well I will read the pieces. Will I stumble on certain words or lines? Will my delivery be as good as I want? Will the emphasis and timing be correct when I need it to be? Basically, I worry that I’ll screw up the presentation. I feel confident as a writer but not as much as a reader/performer. Hopefully over time, I’ll get there but as critical of myself as I’ve always been I wonder how long it will take.

For those who wondered how the show went, I’d say it went okay, which probably means it went good if you take my hypercritical nature out of play. I didn’t have any major blunders but I did have a few hiccups out there. Reading for 40-45 minutes straight isn’t easy though and several times in the show I had to sip some water to keep from being too dry, or just to get a few seconds rest and pause. The crowd wasn’t as big as I wanted but part of that was the venue compared to last year’s venue. Last year anyone walking down Allen Street could see me read (and practically hear) and some did venture in and help pad the attendance numbers. This year I read at a really cool venue but it was in the back room of said venue greatly diminishing the amount of casual traffic passing by. Unless you were in the back of the bookstore, you wouldn’t have known anyone was reading back there.

The people who did show up are the best people in the world in my book and I love them for it. I hope they enjoyed themselves hearing my words and stories as much as I did delivering them. The most frequent question I heard this past week was; when was I reading again? Many of the poets in the festival booked themselves 3, 4, 5 or more different slots during the festival. For the 2^nd straight year, I only booked the one. I didn’t realize there was an abundance of slots. I thought, why be greedy and take up several slots from other poets. Now that I see there are tons of them and everyone else is doing it I’ll be sure to grab several more next year and spread it out. Lesson learned.

I did post on my facebook page the links to the audio recorded from the show (Thanks Scott!). Now I’ll post it here. The location is: http://soundcloud.com/eddie-gomez-poetry/sets  All 11 pieces I performed are there and they are set up as 11 individual tracks so you can go to my soundcloud page and click on them separately and listen to one poem, a few or all of them, it’s up to you. Maybe you’ll be in the mood for timeless youth (I Don’t Wanna Grow Up), optimism after heartbreak (The One Hit Wonder), the story of my brother’s passing (8 Days in Hell), tales of friendship and unrequited love (For Her) reaching rock bottom with being overweight (Willing and Unable) and so much more! Any feedback on my words/work is appreciated.

I can’t tell you how elated I am at having my work recorded in some fashion. Well maybe I just did. I’m thrilled! One, it’s there for many of you who wanted to hear me read but cannot due to distance or other factors. Secondly I can’t stress enough how valuable a learning tool it is for me. To be able to hear my interpretation of these pieces at that point and time is helping me to improve. It’s going to help me improve my delivery but also with the 6 brand new pieces I read for the first time last week, I’ve been tweaking them and fixing lines, writing new ones and sharpening them up so the next time you hear them they might be a teeny bit different but hopefully better! Being able to hear them both adds to my confidence and shows what to tweak. Plus adding that element made me feel like the reading was that much more special. It definitely made it a night to remember, at least for me. :)

Tonight unlike last Friday is a very different night. There’s no pressure, no stress and instead of racing down to Allen Street full of nervous energy, I’m gonna work late, head home at a comfy pace and then see where the night takes me if it takes me anywhere at all. In a way I’m relieved I not going through the crazy feelings of a week ago but at the same time I miss it. I think that means I need to read again soon. In this case how about the night after my birthday at the Pure Ink poetry slam at Merge? That’s Wednesday night for all of you who don’t know. That’s where I’ll be next and if you listen closely you’ll be able to hear the changes I’ve made to the newest pieces, 2 of which I’ll be reading there. See you then!