I get caught up. It happens to me all the time. I get
caught up in my own little world. I get caught up in the fun. I get caught up
in the pain. Emotions can speak louder than words to me. Sometimes all I hear
is the anger and not the words that provide the context. I hear the joy and not
necessarily the reasons for it. I can’t help it. I’m often the last person to
agree to go to the party and then if it’s good, I’m the last one to want to leave.
My inner child hugs my heart. It’s always close by. When my “gold” comes out I’m
transformed into the most loving, caring, sensitive soul. My analytical,
introverted side wants to be left alone while that other part of me just wants
to give love, embrace love and connect. For the past 2 plus weeks since I’ve
been at my new apartment I’d say the sour puss side of me has been in control…
more thinking than feeling. It was a little unusual but it was out of necessity
really, I had to move; I had to do a lot of adulting in the past few weeks.
There wasn’t any time to be sitting around feeling things. Stuff had to be
done. So I did it. I somewhat closed off my fun, feeling side and went to work.
I say somewhat because I find it’s impossible to completely close off one side
or the other. When the youthful exuberance overcomes me, the frosted side if
you will, the dry side is still there, still talking, still offering warnings, advice,
trying to be responsible and realistic,
it’s just that the fun side is drowning it all out. I choose not to listen to
what’s playing in the background when the music in the foreground is so sweet.
Conversely when I’m being businesslike and structured I can hear the other side
telling me to have fun, enjoy things and dream. It’s my belief that you can’t
be one way or the other ALL the time. You just can’t.
My whole life I’ve been trying to reconcile the two… trying
to find that balance consistently. Sometimes I can achieve it and it’s
wonderful but often external factors cause the balance the shift. Okay, I
realize that it’s not really external factors, it’s me. It’s how I react to the
external factors that throw it off but you get what I’m saying. Something happens
that I did not predict… something beyond my control that causes a chain of
events to follow. On occasion it works out. Sometimes I have to do damage
control or change plans on the fly to help make things okay. There have been instances
where the stress and damage is too much and it costs me. I find that when I
have that balance between the dry side and frosted side, it’s easier to tackle unforeseen
events and problem solve. When the 2 sides of me are working together, we can
get a lot done and we can handle the unexpected. When they’re not in sync, life
gets harder and something is often missing.
Now I don’t know if it’s like this for you but when one
part of me is running the show for extended periods the other part of me is
still running in the background, like that app that’s still running on your
cell phone and eating up battery when your phone isn’t technically on. You don’t realize it’s running until you look
at your phone later that day and see the battery is really low and you’ve
barely used your phone! This is pretty much how I feel right now. While I was
taking care of important business I wasn’t completely acknowledging the
emotions that have accompanied everything the last few weeks.
“I ain’t got time to bleed” – Jesse Ventura, in the movie
Predator (1987)
Well, now that all the important stuff is done (finding a
place, agreeing on terms, packing, finding moving help, moving, changing
addresses, unpacking and organizing) I do have time. And what I discovered last
night and this morning when I started to listen to the emotional side of me was
that I was really depressed. I had no idea but all the symptoms were there,
weight gain, not wanting to be around anyone, excess fatigue and a feeling of
loss. What I discovered during idle moments over the last 24 hours is that I
still have a lot of adjusting to do. Now I’m bummed because of all the
political stuff going back to last week and hey, maybe you are as well but
there’s more to it than that. For the last 4+ years I’ve lived with another
human and a few cats. Now I live completely alone. My human roommate and I, we
didn’t hang out all the time or do loads of things together but I do miss her
presence. It’s comforting to have another human that you trust and do not
dislike nearby. There would be days where we wouldn’t chat at all but you
really do get used to that other presence. Then of course there’s Bailey and
Lana, my two former cat roommates. I miss them tons. They were such good
friends to me and I tried to be as good a friend to them. Not a day would go by
where I wouldn’t sit with one or both of them and have a casual conversation
with them. As you may have guessed, I did most of the talking but Bailey would
occasionally chime in with varying meows. During the time I lived with them,
they were always there for me, something that I did not take for granted then nor
do I now. But that doesn’t mean I’m not hurting a bit without their presence.
It seems silly to me a little that I still think about
them quite a bit even though they are now about 3 weeks out of my life and 2
hours away. But I sit around and think about how they are, wishing I could give
them scratches and hear them purr a little. I always enjoyed them and other
than at sleepytime, I tried to never ignore or deny them attention or love. Now
I know what you are thinking, why don’t you just get your own cat? If only it
were that easy. I’m afraid finances are an issue there and I would never get a
cat or dog with iffy finances. I don’t think that would be fair to them. I take
the concept of adopting an animal incredibly seriously. Besides that, I’m not
ready. If I got a cat tomorrow I wouldn’t be able to help comparing it to the 2
wonderful friends I’ve parted ways with that I had built a 50 month
relationship with. That wouldn’t be fair to the new cat either.
Hopefully, somewhere down the road things will be
different and I can adopt one but for now all I can do is be honest with myself
and accept how I’m feeling. I feel lonely. I feel loss. I feel sad. Being so
busy and having so many things to do helped to hide it for a while but man if
you don’t acknowledge what you’re feeling, especially when it’s strong, it will
find you and whoop you. This is always true for me, especially being so
sensitive and feeling, but maybe it’s true for you too. Don’t deny your
feelings. They’ll always find their way back, even if you are lost. And it
doesn’t matter if you are the most lost soul in the world. Lost souls can still
find themselves. Lost souls can come home. This lost soul is going back to an
empty home with a heart full of love so eventually I’ll be okay but in the
short term…
"Fight on, my men
I am hurt, but I am not slain;
I'll lay me down and bleed a while,
And then I'll rise and fight
again." -Sir Andrew Barton
