Getting Rapture-Ready! (5-20-11)

With the rapture only hours away I started thinking, what’s the deal with the rapture? As far as I know all the Christian believers will go to heaven. Is that all there is to it? There are plenty of bad people who believe, do they get to go too? I mean they believe… they just don’t care. Do they get to go? Or does the fact they are bad predispose them to being non-believers despite them thinking they are true believers? Forgive my ignorance on the subject but I am a skeptic. I’m one of those people who would like to believe but simply cannot without proof of some kind. If you are the religious sort you would be happy to know that I do follow many of the moral lessons and guidelines suggested by the good book despite my reluctance to accept everything I’m told as the gospel, pun intended.

My case of disbelief would certainly be alleviated tomorrow once I see Jesus guiding souls to heaven. Then I’d know why I wanted to believe most of my life, because way in the back of my mind I did! It would just take the sight of Mr. Christ to trigger it and fix that problem. So maybe, just maybe as a last second believer I would get to go to the promised land after all. With that in mind it just occurred to me, I may be going on a huge trip in a few hours! I should make my rapture list. We’ll call it things to do before I’m saved tomorrow:


Things to do before I’m saved:

1. Survive a zombie attack: I’ve always wanted to be in a zombie movie and get attacked by brain starved zombies. Of course I always wanted to survive the attack too. Sadly just this week the CDC released this guide on how to survive a zombie attack: http://emergency.cdc.gov/socialmedia/zombies_blog.asp Unless I get attacked by zombies tonight or sometime tomorrow, I’ll never get a chance to use what I’ve learned. Oh well.

2. Get caught up in a scandal: I’ve always wanted to be caught up in a scandal. I don’t mean murder or something illegal, just something scandalous that everyone will gossip about. For instance I could replace the usual coffee with decaf today. Since I don’t drink coffee here at work and never go near the coffeemaker no one would think it was me. Plus I’ll plant an empty decaf coffee packet on top of the trash, walk by and say, “Hey guys, when did you switch to decaf?” Then sit back and let the scandal run its course with everyone pointing fingers and accusing everyone else of switching the coffee. Muhahahahaha!

3. Send everyone I love and value emails: If you receive an email or message from me today or tomorrow you can be sure you are someone I love, value and cherish. It would make sense to say goodbye. However, if we both end up on the same trip, we’ll have a good laugh while we think about all the suckers, err non-believers left behind.

4. Arroz con Pollo: If I’m going away I really feel like I should have a fine Arroz con Pollo dinner before I go. There’s no telling if they have Latin food in heaven… now that I think about it, is there food in heaven? Do you get hungry in the afterlife? Let’s see, hunger is a by-product of the body and since we will no longer have our bodies maybe things like a need for sleep, food, cleaning and sex will be things of the past. Which leads me to…

5. Have sex: Gosh I’m sure going to miss sex in the afterlife. Considering how long it’s been for me, you’d think I was raptured years ago. I’m thinking J.C. and his dad may frown upon cheap meaningless sex right before the journey so obviously I need to make it meaningful. It’s clear what I need to do. I need to find someone, get married and then have marital relations before 6pm tomorrow. Any takers?

6. Pretend the Bills have won the Super Bowl and/or the Sabres the Stanley Cup: I’m going to have to take a few minutes and pretend that the impossible has happened… no not the rapture, I’ll have to pretend that Buffalo won a major sports championship and then act accordingly. I've always thought I'd see the day at some point point in my lifetime but now with my life flashing before my eyes it's time to wing it. I’m thinking if I jump up and down while screaming for 10 minutes, then cry for 10 more and then polish off that bottle of Kahlua on my counter, that should do it.

7. Play someone a song with a musical instrument: Sadly I never learned how to play piano well BUT I can play one note/finger at a time so if I could find someone who has a birthday tomorrow or soon perhaps I could play them a celebratory version of “Happy Birthday” or maybe even “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” if they prefer. NOTE: I can also play Biz Markie’s “Just a Friend” so my offer extends to the lovelorn and heartbroken.

8. Learn a new dance: Thankfully I might be spending my last night on earth at Soul Night so I’m thinking I could learn a new dance there but I have a fall back plan just in case. There’s this other dance I’m thinking of learning. It’s real easy to do. First you limp to the side like your leg was broken, shakin’ and twitchin’ kind of like you were smokin’…

9. Read my poetry in public: Oh wait, I did this 3 times already. Where were you? For all you know I’m really good. Only one way to find out: see me next at Caffe Aroma on Monday night June 6th at 9pm. Yeah, I worked in a plug for a post-rapture gig. See, that makes me edgy and cool.

10. Write a list of 10 things to do before I’m saved: Check!



Lastly I admit there are some things I was planning to do but now just don’t see the need.

Things I wont do:

-Fix my bike: Maybe if I had 3 days to go

-Get an enhanced license: Who needs to get in Canada when you can get into Heaven!

-Save money: Don’t need money where I’m going… but need money where I am going TONIGHT!

-Q-tip my ears: I did it this morning. I think I am now good for all eternity

-Get a haircut: I think Jesus will appreciate my commitment to long flowing hair and sandals.


By the way, just kidding about all the rapture stuff. If you feel like you are going to be saved tomorrow I’m happy for you… if I haven’t offended you, put in a good word for me.

Keep it simple (5-19-11)

So last night I find myself watching reruns of Cheers on the TV Land channel at 2am. I remember how much I used to love watching that show. It reminds me of a simpler time in my life and more than that I marvel at the simplicity of the characters and the writing. They come to the same place every day, do the same thing and have the times of their lives. Yes on occasion they venture outside of Cheers to do or see other things but when they do they bring “Cheers” with them. Does that make sense to you? These people live within the confines of their happy place and wherever they go they take it with them. It sounds so simple… and beautiful.

“The only true gift is a portion of yourself” –Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’m the type of person who loves to try new things and go on little adventures. I think it adds spice to life. I’m also the type of person who likes some stability and consistency to fall back on when I come back from the adventures. I need a good base otherwise I have nothing to build on. I can’t have the frosting without a nice cake under it. Okay, I think you get it. The problem I think I sometimes have is that I don’t always bring “myself” when I go out and do these things. I used to think I was very shy and anti-social but I don’t believe that anymore. I now think I’m simply very untrusting of people, especially those I don’t know. I don’t bring myself out until I feel like it’s safe to come out, so to speak. I talk in intermittent spurts while my mind is racing and reading trying to figure out the person or people in front of me. I’m always thinking. Can I share part of myself with these people? Do I WANT to share myself with this person? Will they judge me? Will they or could they hurt me if I open up a bit? Do they even deserve to get any of me? I know that last one sounded a bit arrogant but screw that, I’m not wasting time or myself around ignorant people or people who give me bad vibes/energy. There’s no use giving love, joy or hope to someone who has none of things and does not want to receive them. I try to put out good energy but I’m not going to use a spray bottle on a raging inferno. Anyway as you can see, I feel strongly about it but maybe not so much that I should assume 98% of the people I meet are this way.

“The aspects of things that are most important to us are hidden because of their simplicity and familiarity.” -Ludwig Wittgenstein

The problem is that I hold on too tight. I have to find a middle ground between gullible and skeptical, between discerning and overlooking. The past few years I’ve opened up a little more and those who know me can probably see it. A couple years ago I was a very private, very reclusive person who generally would only give things away in the form of a blog rather than in person. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I’ve been blogging a lot less this year. It’s not because I grow tired of blogging or that I have nothing to say. It’s because I’m letting more things out of me around real people so I have less for the online peeps.

“Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity” -Charles Mingus

This whole thing is about me letting go and being me no matter what or where the circumstances. It’s what I strive to be. It would seem like a basic thing, just be yourself all the time. But with all the phonies out there and the hiding in here it can be a real challenge. I just have to remind myself from time to time it’s all about keeping it simple.

“I believe that a simple and unassuming manner of life is best for everyone, best both for the body and the mind.” – Albert Einstein