The Ghosts of Relationships Past

 

One more in the name of love…

 

Today is a weird anniversary for me. It was actually 11 years ago today I got out of what would be considered the last romantic relationship I was in. Seems like a long time and it is but what’s really been a long time, is how long it’s been since I really thought about it. After that last one ended 11 years ago today, I went on more dates, probably a handful between then and up to about 5 years ago so it wasn’t like I went cold turkey. Some first dates, a few second ones. None of those panned out. Those are the breaks. There were no sparks, no interest both ways, I scared them, they scared me, didn’t click, whatever. It was occasional floundering until about 5 years ago. In the last 5 years things have changed. I temporarily gave up. I did this because I felt like I wasn’t where I needed to be and why get into a relationship when you are stuck like this. So it became more than temporary. I began a dedicated internal journey where I’ve been working on myself, maybe even trapped within myself, with admittedly mixed results. With covid exacerbating my seclusion and bad habits and then major health problems taking priority, my mind has been on anything but dating for several years now. When you’re alone for a long time and you enjoy solitude, you can get really comfortable… maybe a bit stagnant, probably both. I dunno, but as the days and weeks and years go by, the thought of being in another relationship seems like a dream from a lifetime far away but it also sounds inconvenient. It feels like it would really infringe on my routine, my peace, my comfort levels. I know, life begins outside of your comfort zone. I actually said that on stage at the Drake Hotel in Toronto when I won a Toronto Poetry slam 6 years ago this week. They asked me to come up on stage and say something brief to the crowd after I had won. The first thing I could think of was, how the hell am I on a stage in Toronto baring my soul? It’s true, life does begin outside of your comfort zone but sometimes you do have to pick your spots. If you lived outside of your comfort zone all the time, you don’t have one. Anyway, my personal issues aside, I’ve been reminded of all of this today and I’ve been reflecting on every relationship I’ve ever had on this anniversary of the end of the last one. In the spirit of the legendary Rob Gordon, owner of Championship Vinyl and Top Five Records, I’ve decided to make a list of every relationship I ever had, what happened and what I learned from each. I’m taking stock of a lovelife that feels like a lifetime ago. I don’t actually expect anyone to read this but I am posting this here and on my blog site for my own benefit. Maybe in 10 years, some of these memories won’t be as clear. Plus it’s fun to me to take an inventory of my romantic life, what I learned, how I failed, where I succeeded. Time for a haunting.   

 

The Ghosts of Relationships Past…

 

These are the top 10 relationships of my life. Of course, there’s only been 10 ever in my life and about half of them were pretty short lived and/or during a young age, so I’m really stretching it, but I’ve learned something from all of them. I will do this unconventionally. I’m not gonna rank these by impact or favorites, I’m gonna list them chronologically. Also, I’m not gonna use real names because I am still friends with some of these women and I’m not doing this to out anyone, I just wanna talk about the experiences from my end.

 

1. The first one was A. This was in grade school. My parents were best friends with her parents and it seemed like we were destined to be together. Everybody saw it and everyone wanted it. Her parents were my godparents. All the signs were there. We were the same age and she adored me. My problem was that I wasn’t completely into girls yet. To me GI Joe and Transformers or playing sports in the neighborhood were my highest priorities. She was really pretty though and she was my first kiss. I was terrified by it at the time, but looking back on it she was really sweet. When we reached junior high she moved away with her family and we never spoke again. I always wondered what happened to her as she was such a sweet person. This was one of the first times, before I heard Joni Mitchell, where I learned you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone. But as the next one on the list will show, people don’t always stay how you remember them.

 

2. Next was M. I had known her from grade school but things didn’t progress until junior high. I had hated her up until that point because she was the student with the highest average in the school ahead of me. I was a distant second to her and she wasn’t shy about reminding me. Competing against her actually made me try. If I got a 98 and she got a 100, I’d be so upset. She’d come by and ask me, oh which one did you get wrong, maybe I can help you with that. Her delivery was nice but I could see the glimmer of evil in her eyes. But in junior high something changed. She wasn’t trying as hard or doing as well and neither was I. We weren’t the top 2 smartest anymore, now both just better than average. I don’t know why it changed for her but I was far more distracted, trying to hang out with the cool kids and being more of a troublemaker than I had ever been. I think we bonded over our declines and period of trying to figure it all out. We had an on again off again thing until high school. That was when we grew apart, she went to one school, I went to another. About 2 years later she remembered where I lived and randomly came to my house. She looked rough. She had gained considerable weight. She had acne everywhere. She seemed a bit out of it. We talked for a bit but it was obvious we were going in different directions. Later that year the gossip got to me that her home life was really messed up and she was on drugs. She must have been around 15. Up until that point in my life, she was the smartest, nerdiest kid I had ever met and she had fallen so far. If the one person who I would’ve bet on getting out of the neighborhood and succeeding could falter… it made me wonder what chance I had. I never heard from her or about her again but I always hoped she had found her way. Knowing her taught me about judgment and how someone’s path can dramatically change depending on their decisions. Even the smartest person can make bad choices.

 

3. N was someone I met my sophomore year in high school. She lived down the block and we bumped into each other enough times. I wasn’t interested in her at first but word got to me that she liked me so suddenly I was interested. She had always seemed nice. My best friend at the time lived with his mom, a nurse who worked the overnight shift. So on many weekends, I’d stay overnight and my parents never knew we were unsupervised. We’d try to get booze, sometimes successful, often not and either rent movies from Video Factory or do stupid stuff outside. We were 16 and not the brightest. Sometimes we would have girls over to his place, N would come by with her friend and we’d watch movies and make out in the dark. I’m pretty sure her friend didn’t much like my friend but went along so N and I could be together. I gave her my high school football jacket, which she wore around at school for weeks and that was a whole new level of commitment for me. Despite that, things had not gotten too far until one night. It was the same old deal, N and her bestie came over to my friend’s house while his mom worked. The two of us were alone in a bedroom and she wanted to take that next step. As a 16 year old with no experience in such matters I was ill prepared… no protection. She still wanted to proceed. The decision was maddening. Here I was a 16 year old boy and you know how they are, and here was my 15 year old girlfriend who wanted sex. The fact that it would be my first time was huge, but to go at it, in such a reckless matter just didn’t feel like the right decision. I was stunned that there was any blood left for my brain to function. I couldn’t do it. It wasn’t even about the whole ‘first time” thing, this just seemed like a really big deal and shouldn’t be treated in such a cavalier manner. I still think about this night sometimes. My pants never came off, I remember the Prince classic, “The Ballad of Dorothy Parker”… I took that bubble bath with my pants on. Not going through with it changed our relationship dramatically, things deteriorated after that. I don’t know if she felt like I rejected her but she probably did. I didn’t know how to communicate how I felt, that it was too soon and unprotected sex wasn’t the way. A few days later she gave me back my jacket. A few weeks later we stopped seeing each other. Shortly after she hooked up with the biggest douche in the neighborhood, a guy who loved to bully me when he was with 4-5 of his friends and when I would be alone. I wondered if she hooked up with him to get back at me. I hated that guy but I wasn’t jealous. I felt bad for her. Then she quickly got pregnant. I lost track of her for a good 6-7 years and we bumped into each other at a mall. She didn’t last very long with the douche but she had that kid. She had just started nursing school after a few years of being out of school to focus on being a mom. I left with the feeling she was going in the right direction after getting derailed for a time by that decision. I learned that for as stupid as I was at the time, I was smarter than I thought. I also learned a bit about peer pressure. By not going through with it I lost my girlfriend and had my friends in my ear the rest of the year making fun of me for turning down sex but at least I wasn’t a 16/17 year old dad.

 

4. Shortly after N, I moved on to A. She was the prettiest girl in the neighborhood. She had developed physically at an early age and looked like she could have been a busty Hooters waitress at 14. She had been with a guy in the neighborhood for a long time and he was super protective of her. Despite her living almost right across the street from me, I wouldn’t talk to her other than just a brief hello due to the fact she was with someone but also because I didn’t want to get mixed up with her paranoid boyfriend. A year passed and they finally broke up but stayed friends. He hovered over her all the time despite not being with her anymore. I noticed that she started walking by my house more and more and she always said hi to me when I was sitting on my porch. She’d even stop and talk a bit which never happened before. Considering how she looked I couldn’t help but be interested. The timing was excellent. The overbearing ex-boyfriend went away for the summer. Within a day or two A and I were spending a lot of time together. She was nice, soft spoken. She was humble despite being the target of every guy in the neighborhood. We went for long walks often and discussed life. She was sheltered and was eager to expand her wings and grow. She had dreams beyond the neighborhood. She wore bifocals and I remember how sometimes I would try to be suave and sensually remove them before going in for a passionate kiss. Things went well for a few months although we didn’t engage in sex either. I think it was during the time I dated A that I found out N got pregnant and I was spooked. I knew so little about sex that I was afraid to go there, even with protection after that wake up call. Then the summer ended and the ex-boyfriend returned. He was livid she was dating me. Somehow he found out that A and I had not had sex and he would brag to me ruthlessly about how many times he did it with her. There was lots of passive aggressive behavior by him, then it became aggressive behavior. Through all of it A didn’t speak up, didn’t really do anything. It was almost she was inclined to sit back and let us fight over her. This was a big turn off to me. Why can’t you tell him to get lost and that you’re with me now? I broke things off and even though we lived on the same block, I barely ever said another word to her. I remember about a year later when I was about to start my senior year of high school she passed my house one day with a baby bump. This was becoming a common occurrence in my neighborhood. At least it wasn’t with that overbearing ex. She moved away right after giving birth and I never saw her again. This relationship taught me that I want nothing to do with drama. Sometimes it’s unavoidable, but if you can avoid it… do everything you can to do so.

 

5. I met L during senior year of high school. I was a football player, she was a cheerleader. She reminded me of someone out of a John Hughes movie but probably a little more Claire than Allison though. She enjoyed being popular and had a little edge to her which made me like her more. For a while I wondered if she was too stuck up or conceited. I heard through the grapevine that she thought I was cute. Well it just so happened I thought she was cute. We had our first date at Pizza Hut. She wasn’t shy about eating 2 slices and I thought that was cool. She had a mindset that was above the typical high schooler. She talked about plans and ambitions. Frankly most people in my school and neighborhood talked about surviving, or just getting a high school diploma. She had a snarky side which was new and fun to me. I was smitten. One day she got sick and had to go home from school. The next day she stayed home again, still sick so I skipped out of school for a hour or so and made my friend who had a car skip out too just to bring her a poem and some flowers. I felt like Lloyd Dobler holding up those flowers outside her door. I was really into her but I could feel that while she was somewhat into me, she was hesitant, not sure. In hindsight I think she was disappointed that I didn’t have a plan or as much figured out as she did. After a few months she broke it off with me. Never told me why. I was a sad panda. This was the first time I had ever been dumped. I wrote poems about how her how her hugs were empty and her kisses lied. It was my last high school relationship and I got crushed. I ran into L a few years later and she actually came over to me at the Galleria and we chatted for a few minutes. It was civil and she was nice and seemed interested in how I was but because she hurt me deeply I was reluctant to really reconnect or anything like that. I learned about rejection big time with that one but I also learned that if you are on the fence about someone, you like them and are kinda into them but it’s not going anywhere, don’t string them along. I thought about how much getting dumped hurt and I decided from then on, I would do my best to never do that to someone else. If I wasn’t into them as much as they were into me, I’d tell them, be honest, break things off if needed and not use someone for sex or selfish reasons.

 

6. J was someone I knew in high school. She was to that point one of the prettiest girls I had ever seen. She had a great smile. She was on the swim team and I played football in the fall and then was on the track and field team in the spring so we saw each other quite a bit in the gym/pool area of the school. I crushed on her hard but once I found out she was in a relationship, I kept my distance. I kept tabs on her though because if she ever broke up with him, I really wanted to be next in line. It turned out a breakup never came and I graduated and started at Buffalo State the next year. I bumped into her out in public somewhere and she remembered me. That smile was irresistible. She was a senior in high school and was a year younger than me and was cuter than ever. While we caught up she revealed that she was single and how she was tired of high school boys. Ding ding ding! I asked her out and we began dating. I didn’t notice it at first, probably because she was gorgeous and had been the apple of my eye for such a long time, but I began to notice cracks in the masterpiece. It was becoming clear to me she wasn’t always that nice. I thought maybe she was going through some things, having some bad days. I rationalized her behavior. I tried to be open and be there for her because I thought it would help. I wanted to be supportive. It didn’t take too long to realize, the nicer and more supportive I was trying to be, the more she took advantage and manipulated me. Finally it dawned on me… she was just not a nice person. She was so beautiful looking, but her soul was kinda ugly. One day we just stopped talking to each other. I was going to break it off with her but I never heard from her again. Maybe she was going to break it off with me. I guess we both felt it. What a clean breakup that turned out to be. The big lesson here was not to judge a book by its’ cover. I was so smitten with her looks that when I actually looked inside, I did not like what I saw. This made me appreciate someone’s personality more than I ever thought about. It also taught me about sex and attraction with how even the hottest body did nothing for me if the personality was trash.

 

7. During that first year of college I met M. Not to be confused with the previous M on this list, this was a different person entirely. Her kindness caught my eye. We had a class together. I saw how she carried herself, how she related to others. I bumped into her outside of class one day and introduced myself. We had a nice friendly banter for 10 minutes but we each had somewhere else to be. As the year went on, we ran into each other several times and would always have a good but brief conversation. She was the first blonde haired woman I ever liked. I’d always been attracted to dark haired women, but M’s blond waves bordering on curls were intoxicating. She was tall and eventually I found out she was mixed like I was, Puerto Rican and white. I knew there was something. Just seeing her on campus would bring a huge smile to my face. We even studied together a few times which might have been the only times I studied at all that semester. She was dating someone at the time, so I was respectful. We talked about class, about movies, music, life in general. We discussed our backgrounds. She came from a poor family too so we kind of got each other in that way. That first year of college ended. We exchanged phone numbers to stay in touch over the summer or whenever. I didn’t take that seriously since she was still with her long-term high school boyfriend. Then one summer night she called. She had a nasty breakup with him and was deeply hurt. She needed a friend so I was one. We talked on the phone almost every night for a while. We got together a few times, held hands, held each other. I was really crazy about her but she was devastated by her breakup. One moment she’d be great and the next a pile of sad goo. I did not want to take advantage and I didn’t think it wise to start something serious so soon afterwards but when she kissed me, I didn’t exactly resist. For about a month we talked every other night and when we got together her crystal blue eyes intoxicated me. As the summer was drawing to a close she was getting better and then one day she called to tell me she was transferring to a college in North Carolina. There were 2 reasons for this, 1-she wanted to get away from everything and apparently I wasn’t a significant enough reason to stay and 2- She wanted to be a theology major and this school had a great program. She had family down there she could stay with and she was leaving very soon. That knocked the wind right out of me. I felt used. We opened up so much to each other or so I thought because apparently this was brewing in her head and she never mentioned it until the decision was made. We’d only ever kissed at night during those times we were together and it felt apropos. Kisses in the moonlight were a perfect metaphor for whatever it was we had because when the lights came on, she was gone. That one hurt a lot, not only because I really liked her but because she blindsided me and made me felt like a tool she used to help her through a bad time and then was easily discarded when she didn’t need me anymore. She was the first person I had envisioned a future with, like a person I could end up with. I saw her one more time the following summer. She came home for break I guess and I saw her at a Canadian nightclub. We still went to Canada because 2 of the 3 people in my group were still only 20. She was 20 as well. She was on the floor dancing with 2 female friends and she looked sexy as hell. She spotted me during the song and when it ended she came over and gave me a monster hug. Once again she caught me completely by surprise. I was disoriented. I had some things I wanted to say but the moment was happening faster than I could process it. She was flirty but I was awkward. Within 15 minutes she left the place with her friends. I regretted not really saying much to her, like was she only in town for summer break, did she move back? Did she ever think of me? I lost touch with her for a long time until a few years back. I heard she got married and moved down south. I decided to look her up on facebook, just out of curiosity and what I found was that she was now a hardcore right winger. To be honest, even 20-something years ago that was something about her that scared me, how she was really bright but at the same time a hardcore Christian. What I mean was, she could be very opened minded about some things but the complete opposite about others. I didn’t care about politics or big picture stuff like that back then so it didn’t set off any warning bells but maybe it was for the best that one didn’t work out. What I learned from M was to trust my instincts. You should follow your heart whenever possible, but if your brain decides to chime in, you better listen.

 

8. I met H at work. She was a cool, kickass individual who was easy to talk to. At first I wasn’t into her but the more I got to talk to her, the more she grew on me. I didn’t even think she was attractive at first but the more I got to know her, the cuter she got. She had a great sense of humor and she was smart, both in terms of being intelligent and have a smart mouth. A simple 2-hour conversation with her was so much fun. Suddenly something happened and I fell head over heels in a way I never have. The timing this time was off as soon as I fell for her she then started dating a colleague at work. A bunch of painful weeks followed until she broke it off with him. Normally I keep my distance when someone is in a relationship and I try to give them time after a recent breakup but I was uncharacteristically inpatient and I put my cards on the table and it worked. We had a nice thing for while but she had to move away for an internship. We stayed together but eventually being in separate places took its’ toll. I was willing to stick it out through anything but the distance wore her down and I think she became bored with me. It wasn’t enough. She seemed to want more. The distance between us began to exist on the phone as well and as quickly as it ignited, the fire was put out. This one taught me a lot about myself. It taught me that beauty comes from more places than I expected. It taught me how to really love, that I was capable of real love and I learned what I was willing to give. I would have done anything for her. It destroyed me when it became obvious she would not do the same. It was also the biggest heartbreak of my life.

 

9. It took several years to really get back in the game but then S came along. She was a friend of a friend and she was attracted to me instantly. We met in a large group of people but I noticed her immediately. It wasn’t that I noticed her in a whoa, who is that kind of way, but more in a whoa I think this person is into me kind of way. I could definitely feel her interest. It wasn’t too long before I was into her as well as she was very pretty, with kind eyes and a smile that could light up a tough room, plus she was a bit of an old soul to boot. She was mixed in a way similar to how I’m mixed and that always gets me. I think that was a major point of attraction for her too. I got together with her several times but I was reluctant to move forward because she had just gotten out of a very serious thing right before she met me. I could tell there were still feelings there. She was very interested in me but I had to wonder how genuine it was considering the place she was in. I looked at her and thought she’d be a very loving companion, you could just tell… the kind of person who doesn’t mess around when they commit to you and the kind of person who would be so sweet and spoil their partner in many ways. Wondering if she was really over her ex was one thing but eventually I came to find out we were different in important ways. S was also deeply religious, something I am not. In my eyes, her religion would make her look painfully naïve and silly at times. It wasn’t easy to ignore. It made me wonder if I could be with someone long term who might not be open minded. She checked so many boxes, was gorgeous, great smile, funny, nice, artzy, jazzy, reserved, great energy, easy to talk to. But going back a few spots on this list was M and the big lesson M taught me was to trust my instincts. So I did. And shortly after I stopped seeing her, S got back together with the ex and eventually got married so apparently it worked out well for her. Maybe in another life.

 

10. I met G thru online dating. She was pretty in a subtle way. What I mean is, if you walked into a coffeeshop and took a look around she would not be the first person you’d notice. But if you sat with her and had just a 5 minute conversation it would quickly dawn on you that she was damn attractive. She was mysterious and guarded but very friendly. We got together for coffee and talked for nearly 3 hours. They kicked us out because it was closing time. We closed down the coffeeshop… you’d think that was a great sign, at least I did. We were great at conversation but we really were really lacking elsewhere. She reminded me of L (#5) a little bit in that she really seemed to like to spend time with me but it didn’t feel right. She seemed like someone who wanted to be in a relationship and loathed to be alone but I couldn’t help but feel like I was someone she settled for because she didn’t couldn’t be alone and that’s not a good feeling. After a nice start, the air was let out of the balloons rather quickly. It was like looking at a match that looks good on paper or on a webpage versus how it worked in practice. Things slowed down and suddenly we were only talking a few times a week. I could feel her interest waning. One day I sent her a text and she never answered so I never sent another. Neither did she. It was like we both realized it wasn’t there but didn’t actually discuss it. We just let it fade away. When I came across her profile on the dating site I was enamored but fast forward a few months, it didn’t mean much. Great on paper doesn’t translate to great in person. I learned the value of sparks. Sometimes someone checks all the boxes but doesn’t rock the casbah, so to speak. I hope someone rocks yours. I sent her that last text she never responded to 11 years ago today. I’m still waiting for cupid to respond.