I
wrote an essay on love. If you always wondered about how we love and
why relationships fail, please read on and let me know what you think...
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“What is Love?” -Haddaway
In the last month or so, I’ve been reading, watching and listening to a ton of stories both real and fictional about love. It’s really gotten my heart and mind racing. Love is everything. I’ve been taking a very close look at love… a place I’ve been and a place I would like to return to someday. I think I have a better understanding of it than I ever have. Now to be fair, I have no credentials. I haven’t shared my bed with more people than I can count. In fact, you may think I have no idea what I’m talking about, but love is important enough that I think you'll indulge me anyway on the odd chance I’m in the ballpark and have uncovered some wisdom in my years. I promise you I have been pondering this for a very long time. My theory is over a decade in the making. I also promise you that you have nothing to lose by reading this, other than a few minutes. So here goes.
In my experience I believe there are 2 kinds, 2 types or 2 levels of love. That’s my theory. You can also use those terms (kinds/types/levels) interchangeably here. I also believe that most folks today see only one kind of love and that can be very dangerous to relationships. Disagree? I think our record levels of divorce are proof of it. According to statistics, relationships are failing more than ever. Why is that? Is it because we’re more fickle? Harder to satisfy? In most aspects of our lives we have infinite choices and I’d bet that translates into our dating philosophy- always wondering what else is out there, always thinking we can do better. Well, I did pretty good here but I just know there’s something better out there! It could turn into a lifelong pursuit that could have been a life spent happy with someone you took a chance on. I’m sure those things play a role, but I think the bigger issue is that love isn’t as easily defined as it used to be. Once upon a time, there was really more of a single kind of love and the only way most relationships ended was if someone died or if one of the two people did some really messed up stuff that warranted the relationship coming to an end. Usually I’m all in favor of the progressive approach to things but maybe in this instance, maybe we did love better back in the day.
Over time, love and romance became for lack of better word, romanticized, to a degree where we only saw the best stuff. The rise of media perpetuated the fantasy. Movies, tv and other forms of media began to paint a very optimistic and unrealistic picture. I think it has influenced us negatively in matters of the heart because for decades people were made to feel more insecure, more insignificant and have been taught to think in a shallower, superficial way. Love is not a contest! Why can’t my love be like that movie, that book, that song? Media has had an extremely powerful effect on love. The effect is that it transformed love from a very cut and dried concrete institution into a concept with layers, more possibilities. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it! But we did, we really fixed ourselves up to love as superficially as our wants and desires in these times. Maybe it was inevitable. Maybe we had to evolve beyond the simple concept of love and make it more like our world; highly complicated, or maybe liberated, depending on your point of view. But the fact remains that relationships are failing more than ever. Why do we love so frivolously?
“There are 2 kinds of love that you ought to know…” –Rocky II
The Greeks believed that there were as many as 8 types of love. Some were self-love or love for family and since we are talking about mating here, I won’t acknowledge those. As I stated earlier, I believe there are 2 kinds of love. I call them: “Fantasy Love” and “Reality Love”. If you put on the Bachelor or some other dating program show, you might think these 2 types of love are one and the same but I assure you nothing could be farther from the truth. I think my 2 types of love have simplified and modernized the types those Greeks spoke of. In my theory of “Fantasy Love” I pretty much incorporate 3 of the Greek types together: “Eros” (erotic love, passionate physical love), “Ludus” (playful love, casual love, frivolous love) and “Mania” (obsessive, possessive love). In my second type of love; “Reality Love” I take those aforementioned 3 types and add 2 more of the Greek ones: “Philia” (deep friendship, loyalty, trust) and “Pragma” (mature, practical, equal, longstanding, enduring love). Think of it as level one love and level two love. Your head may be spinning a bit right now so let me break this down to you in more elaborate terms.
Fantasy Love is the publicized love, the romanticized love. It’s the one that gets all the headlines, movies, stories, songs, top billing. It’s the love we always hear about and the love everyone desires. It feels amazing and overwhelming at times. It’s this feeling that we hit the jackpot, found magic, embraced fate. For some folks this feeling lasts for years, others a few months but inevitably it does fade or weaken. A love “high” feels organic and real so we think we’ll never come down, but like ANY high, we do. Now let’s give love credit, a high that could last for a few years or even a few months is better than any drug going today. That is a tremendous high but the question is; what happens when the honeymoon is over, when the high moderates and the initial passion, excitement and infatuation ends? You were crazy about this person but now, the feeling is different. You more readily see their flaws, they no longer give you butterflies, they annoy you more easily and you find pleasure in not being around them from time to time. They seem ordinary to you rather than like someone out of a dream. You’ve come back down to earth. This is all very normal but if you’ve been riding the wave of your love high, this might seem like a crash. Do you accept that they are no longer the fantasy and the fantasy wasn't sustainable, or do you start to think about finding that love high again, if not with them, than maybe with someone else? It is this that breaks up a lot of folks. You might say, it was good while it lasted or we had a good run but the relationship has run its course. I think that’s bullshit. For whatever reason, you just don’t want to move to the next level. If you are separated a lot, like in a long distance relationship you can definitely grow apart and lose the magic. It’s unfortunate but likely. But if you are in a close relationship that you thought was everything and now think is nothing, unless one of you lost their damn mind or turned out to be someone other than you thought they were, I have to wonder, why are you giving up? If you found someone you can love, did love and have compatibility with, why toss it aside when the love high fades? Maybe it’s because you didn’t really love them, at least not completely, or you dove headlong into the fantasy that you had no chance of maintaining reality. See what I did there? I refer to level 1 as “fantasy” because it isn’t sustainable. People see what they want to see instead of what is really there and once the fantasy ends, so does the love. More is needed. You took a chance and opened your heart a bit but you never went all the way. You love was unbalanced and unrealistic. You never embraced full acceptance and moved to level 2. Maybe that’s why when things go bad with this type of love, people panic and bail out... because adversity was never part of the fantasy and they don’t know what else to do. Level 1 is necessary and important, but don’t let yourself overdo it. Everything, and yes even love, is best in moderation. Real life isn’t like the movies.
“Do You Believe in Love?” –Huey Lewis and the News
That brings me to my 2nd type/level of love; “Reality Love”. Reality love is that gritty love, that real love, that serious love. It’s ugly crying love. It’s ups and downs that don’t get too up or too down love. Reality love doesn’t have unanswered questions. It’s not a matter of if but when, not a matter of if but how. It’s always going to be there to support you. It’s going all in with the deepest commitment and acceptance. Fantasy love has strong roots in physical and emotional love but Reality love adds to that. It adds a powerful element of intellectual love. It requires patience, loyalty, understanding and full devotion. Compared to level 1 it’s boring and ugly but it’s also ordinarily phenomenal. It’s legendary but it’s taken for granted by those who aren't in one of these relationships. Let’s face it, flings, torrid affairs, short courtships and hot relationships that “run their course” in a short period of time are the newsworthy items. Two people who connected and devoted themselves for 50 years, made the sacrifices, worked to make it work- it’s a cute little mention, a nod, a wave, but it’s not juicy, exciting or salacious. It’s also not easy. That’s why so few do it these days. I have the utmost respect for those who did, do and those who can if they did/do it for the right reasons. They basically reached a point with their mate where they said; the search is over. I choose you and I will devote myself to you and to us for as long as possible. I will love you, support you and always be there... and they meant it! To me that’s the real romance, the real headline. I find that so damn impressive.
When you reach this 2nd level of love, it means you’ve built a very strong foundation on the 1st level. How strong? Strong enough where a few cracks, some shaky moments and decisions will not bring the house down. You can make the repairs as needed because your strong foundation holds and you strengthen your bond. If you haven’t reached the 2nd level of love, it means your foundation is not strong and cracks in the relationship can bring the whole thing down. Sounds pretty easy right?
But how do you get to the 2nd level of love? You need to invest time, patience and caring into someone until you get to know them, see how they fit. There’s no correct amount of time because it’s different for everybody. Don’t buy in too much to the fantasy. It’s always wonderful to meet someone amazing, and it's always very exciting but no one is perfect. Don’t place unreasonable expectations on your mate or the relationship. Don’t let yourself get overwhelmed by emotion. Practicality, logic, reason- they have a place at the love table too. Now after you’ve made your way into the first type of love, the Fantasy portion where you’ve connected physically, emotionally, this is where the relationship will either fizzle or graduate to adulthood. Adulthood you ask? Think of it this way… at some point in our lives, maybe as a teen, maybe as a twenty-something, there came a point where we had to make an adult decision and really grow up. I'm sure you remember a decision like that. We as people need to mature and grow and relationships are no different. You might have had a very important decision to make, one that could alter the course of your life. How do you make that decision? By going with your first emotion? Or do you take some time and contemplate the ifs? That’s growing up, graduating from emotion to reason. Should emotion be discarded? Of course not, but it should only be part of the decision making process, not the sole decider. If you can balance a clear head with a biased heart, you can then devote yourself to the relationship, move on to level 2 and have a much better chance at success. Remember level 1 is a hell of a ride but level 2 is a better journey.
“Love Will Tear Us Apart” –Joy Division
I was deeply in love once. I didn’t know what I was doing but I gave it everything I could at the time. I had been friends with this person for several months. We saw each other often as we worked at the same place. Our connection was noticeable. Some work friends were already sick of being around us due to the “witty banter” and dialogue that sounded “almost scripted”. I had never met anyone that I clicked with so easily, male or female. I naturally fell head over heels, batshit crazy for her and as someone who doesn’t have the best poker face, this wasn’t exactly a secret. There were a few obstacles along the way, but eventually she reciprocated my feelings for her. The first few weeks were the giddiest I’ve ever experienced. We were both so happy to be with each other. When she had to leave town for a summer internship, I scraped together every penny I could to go spend one weekend or one week a month with her. She would joke and say things like; why aren’t we married already? I’m sure she was at least half kidding, but I was still in awe over being in love for the first time. I didn’t know where we’d go, what would happen but I felt that as long as she was by my side and I was by hers, everything would be alright. Yeah, I was a bit naïve. We’d talk on the phone every day. Many nights she’d be in tears because she missed me so much. I kept the faith. We’d be alright as long as the love was there. I thought we’d be able to make it through anything. Love conquers all… until it doesn’t. It got to be too hard for her. We were kinda stuck in limbo. She was in another city and perhaps another one after that and I was here. You know how tough long distance relationships are. That one week a month I’d spend with her wasn’t enough. She threw in the towel. My heart was broken like nothing I had ever felt. It took me a very long time to recover. I was naïve but at the same time I was fully invested. That’s why it hurt so much. Right or wrong, I was willing to spend my life with her and devote myself completely to our relationship. She wasn’t. The funny thing is, I had definitely jumped into the first level of love with her, ridiculously so. It was probably quicker than I should have. But over time she convinced me that we had a chance to go the distance. She was the one who spoke about marriage and even kids. I was just happy to be there. Then in the end, when I was fully convinced that I wanted those things and more with her, it was over. To this day I wonder if she ever really reached that second level of love with me. The long distance between us surely played a role in our demise but was she ever as invested as I was? I guess I’ll always wonder but I think I know the answer. Fast forward many years and she’s married now with a few kids of her own. She seems very happy and I’m happy for her. She deserves it. I wouldn’t trade our time together for anything. It was an amazing experience and it started the process for me of understanding what love is and what’s required.
“I wanna know what love is. I want you to show me.” –Foreigner
What does the future hold? Well, hopefully love and hopefully love on both levels. I know I have the capacity to love deeply and completely. If you made it through this entire essay on love, I love you… but only on the 1st level. I’m all for us spreading and sharing as much love as possible. The world is a better place when we love. But when we get into relationships, let’s not love frivolously. Love deserves more than that. It’s been getting a bad name from all the posers and people who aren’t really committed to it. Love with your heart AND your head. Love deeply as well as passionately, intellectually as well as emotionally and I guarantee you that you’ll have more fulfilling relationships. Hell, maybe you’ll have just one.
“Love is the best thing we do” –Ted Mosby
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“What is Love?” -Haddaway
In the last month or so, I’ve been reading, watching and listening to a ton of stories both real and fictional about love. It’s really gotten my heart and mind racing. Love is everything. I’ve been taking a very close look at love… a place I’ve been and a place I would like to return to someday. I think I have a better understanding of it than I ever have. Now to be fair, I have no credentials. I haven’t shared my bed with more people than I can count. In fact, you may think I have no idea what I’m talking about, but love is important enough that I think you'll indulge me anyway on the odd chance I’m in the ballpark and have uncovered some wisdom in my years. I promise you I have been pondering this for a very long time. My theory is over a decade in the making. I also promise you that you have nothing to lose by reading this, other than a few minutes. So here goes.
In my experience I believe there are 2 kinds, 2 types or 2 levels of love. That’s my theory. You can also use those terms (kinds/types/levels) interchangeably here. I also believe that most folks today see only one kind of love and that can be very dangerous to relationships. Disagree? I think our record levels of divorce are proof of it. According to statistics, relationships are failing more than ever. Why is that? Is it because we’re more fickle? Harder to satisfy? In most aspects of our lives we have infinite choices and I’d bet that translates into our dating philosophy- always wondering what else is out there, always thinking we can do better. Well, I did pretty good here but I just know there’s something better out there! It could turn into a lifelong pursuit that could have been a life spent happy with someone you took a chance on. I’m sure those things play a role, but I think the bigger issue is that love isn’t as easily defined as it used to be. Once upon a time, there was really more of a single kind of love and the only way most relationships ended was if someone died or if one of the two people did some really messed up stuff that warranted the relationship coming to an end. Usually I’m all in favor of the progressive approach to things but maybe in this instance, maybe we did love better back in the day.
Over time, love and romance became for lack of better word, romanticized, to a degree where we only saw the best stuff. The rise of media perpetuated the fantasy. Movies, tv and other forms of media began to paint a very optimistic and unrealistic picture. I think it has influenced us negatively in matters of the heart because for decades people were made to feel more insecure, more insignificant and have been taught to think in a shallower, superficial way. Love is not a contest! Why can’t my love be like that movie, that book, that song? Media has had an extremely powerful effect on love. The effect is that it transformed love from a very cut and dried concrete institution into a concept with layers, more possibilities. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it! But we did, we really fixed ourselves up to love as superficially as our wants and desires in these times. Maybe it was inevitable. Maybe we had to evolve beyond the simple concept of love and make it more like our world; highly complicated, or maybe liberated, depending on your point of view. But the fact remains that relationships are failing more than ever. Why do we love so frivolously?
“There are 2 kinds of love that you ought to know…” –Rocky II
The Greeks believed that there were as many as 8 types of love. Some were self-love or love for family and since we are talking about mating here, I won’t acknowledge those. As I stated earlier, I believe there are 2 kinds of love. I call them: “Fantasy Love” and “Reality Love”. If you put on the Bachelor or some other dating program show, you might think these 2 types of love are one and the same but I assure you nothing could be farther from the truth. I think my 2 types of love have simplified and modernized the types those Greeks spoke of. In my theory of “Fantasy Love” I pretty much incorporate 3 of the Greek types together: “Eros” (erotic love, passionate physical love), “Ludus” (playful love, casual love, frivolous love) and “Mania” (obsessive, possessive love). In my second type of love; “Reality Love” I take those aforementioned 3 types and add 2 more of the Greek ones: “Philia” (deep friendship, loyalty, trust) and “Pragma” (mature, practical, equal, longstanding, enduring love). Think of it as level one love and level two love. Your head may be spinning a bit right now so let me break this down to you in more elaborate terms.
Fantasy Love is the publicized love, the romanticized love. It’s the one that gets all the headlines, movies, stories, songs, top billing. It’s the love we always hear about and the love everyone desires. It feels amazing and overwhelming at times. It’s this feeling that we hit the jackpot, found magic, embraced fate. For some folks this feeling lasts for years, others a few months but inevitably it does fade or weaken. A love “high” feels organic and real so we think we’ll never come down, but like ANY high, we do. Now let’s give love credit, a high that could last for a few years or even a few months is better than any drug going today. That is a tremendous high but the question is; what happens when the honeymoon is over, when the high moderates and the initial passion, excitement and infatuation ends? You were crazy about this person but now, the feeling is different. You more readily see their flaws, they no longer give you butterflies, they annoy you more easily and you find pleasure in not being around them from time to time. They seem ordinary to you rather than like someone out of a dream. You’ve come back down to earth. This is all very normal but if you’ve been riding the wave of your love high, this might seem like a crash. Do you accept that they are no longer the fantasy and the fantasy wasn't sustainable, or do you start to think about finding that love high again, if not with them, than maybe with someone else? It is this that breaks up a lot of folks. You might say, it was good while it lasted or we had a good run but the relationship has run its course. I think that’s bullshit. For whatever reason, you just don’t want to move to the next level. If you are separated a lot, like in a long distance relationship you can definitely grow apart and lose the magic. It’s unfortunate but likely. But if you are in a close relationship that you thought was everything and now think is nothing, unless one of you lost their damn mind or turned out to be someone other than you thought they were, I have to wonder, why are you giving up? If you found someone you can love, did love and have compatibility with, why toss it aside when the love high fades? Maybe it’s because you didn’t really love them, at least not completely, or you dove headlong into the fantasy that you had no chance of maintaining reality. See what I did there? I refer to level 1 as “fantasy” because it isn’t sustainable. People see what they want to see instead of what is really there and once the fantasy ends, so does the love. More is needed. You took a chance and opened your heart a bit but you never went all the way. You love was unbalanced and unrealistic. You never embraced full acceptance and moved to level 2. Maybe that’s why when things go bad with this type of love, people panic and bail out... because adversity was never part of the fantasy and they don’t know what else to do. Level 1 is necessary and important, but don’t let yourself overdo it. Everything, and yes even love, is best in moderation. Real life isn’t like the movies.
“Do You Believe in Love?” –Huey Lewis and the News
That brings me to my 2nd type/level of love; “Reality Love”. Reality love is that gritty love, that real love, that serious love. It’s ugly crying love. It’s ups and downs that don’t get too up or too down love. Reality love doesn’t have unanswered questions. It’s not a matter of if but when, not a matter of if but how. It’s always going to be there to support you. It’s going all in with the deepest commitment and acceptance. Fantasy love has strong roots in physical and emotional love but Reality love adds to that. It adds a powerful element of intellectual love. It requires patience, loyalty, understanding and full devotion. Compared to level 1 it’s boring and ugly but it’s also ordinarily phenomenal. It’s legendary but it’s taken for granted by those who aren't in one of these relationships. Let’s face it, flings, torrid affairs, short courtships and hot relationships that “run their course” in a short period of time are the newsworthy items. Two people who connected and devoted themselves for 50 years, made the sacrifices, worked to make it work- it’s a cute little mention, a nod, a wave, but it’s not juicy, exciting or salacious. It’s also not easy. That’s why so few do it these days. I have the utmost respect for those who did, do and those who can if they did/do it for the right reasons. They basically reached a point with their mate where they said; the search is over. I choose you and I will devote myself to you and to us for as long as possible. I will love you, support you and always be there... and they meant it! To me that’s the real romance, the real headline. I find that so damn impressive.
When you reach this 2nd level of love, it means you’ve built a very strong foundation on the 1st level. How strong? Strong enough where a few cracks, some shaky moments and decisions will not bring the house down. You can make the repairs as needed because your strong foundation holds and you strengthen your bond. If you haven’t reached the 2nd level of love, it means your foundation is not strong and cracks in the relationship can bring the whole thing down. Sounds pretty easy right?
But how do you get to the 2nd level of love? You need to invest time, patience and caring into someone until you get to know them, see how they fit. There’s no correct amount of time because it’s different for everybody. Don’t buy in too much to the fantasy. It’s always wonderful to meet someone amazing, and it's always very exciting but no one is perfect. Don’t place unreasonable expectations on your mate or the relationship. Don’t let yourself get overwhelmed by emotion. Practicality, logic, reason- they have a place at the love table too. Now after you’ve made your way into the first type of love, the Fantasy portion where you’ve connected physically, emotionally, this is where the relationship will either fizzle or graduate to adulthood. Adulthood you ask? Think of it this way… at some point in our lives, maybe as a teen, maybe as a twenty-something, there came a point where we had to make an adult decision and really grow up. I'm sure you remember a decision like that. We as people need to mature and grow and relationships are no different. You might have had a very important decision to make, one that could alter the course of your life. How do you make that decision? By going with your first emotion? Or do you take some time and contemplate the ifs? That’s growing up, graduating from emotion to reason. Should emotion be discarded? Of course not, but it should only be part of the decision making process, not the sole decider. If you can balance a clear head with a biased heart, you can then devote yourself to the relationship, move on to level 2 and have a much better chance at success. Remember level 1 is a hell of a ride but level 2 is a better journey.
“Love Will Tear Us Apart” –Joy Division
I was deeply in love once. I didn’t know what I was doing but I gave it everything I could at the time. I had been friends with this person for several months. We saw each other often as we worked at the same place. Our connection was noticeable. Some work friends were already sick of being around us due to the “witty banter” and dialogue that sounded “almost scripted”. I had never met anyone that I clicked with so easily, male or female. I naturally fell head over heels, batshit crazy for her and as someone who doesn’t have the best poker face, this wasn’t exactly a secret. There were a few obstacles along the way, but eventually she reciprocated my feelings for her. The first few weeks were the giddiest I’ve ever experienced. We were both so happy to be with each other. When she had to leave town for a summer internship, I scraped together every penny I could to go spend one weekend or one week a month with her. She would joke and say things like; why aren’t we married already? I’m sure she was at least half kidding, but I was still in awe over being in love for the first time. I didn’t know where we’d go, what would happen but I felt that as long as she was by my side and I was by hers, everything would be alright. Yeah, I was a bit naïve. We’d talk on the phone every day. Many nights she’d be in tears because she missed me so much. I kept the faith. We’d be alright as long as the love was there. I thought we’d be able to make it through anything. Love conquers all… until it doesn’t. It got to be too hard for her. We were kinda stuck in limbo. She was in another city and perhaps another one after that and I was here. You know how tough long distance relationships are. That one week a month I’d spend with her wasn’t enough. She threw in the towel. My heart was broken like nothing I had ever felt. It took me a very long time to recover. I was naïve but at the same time I was fully invested. That’s why it hurt so much. Right or wrong, I was willing to spend my life with her and devote myself completely to our relationship. She wasn’t. The funny thing is, I had definitely jumped into the first level of love with her, ridiculously so. It was probably quicker than I should have. But over time she convinced me that we had a chance to go the distance. She was the one who spoke about marriage and even kids. I was just happy to be there. Then in the end, when I was fully convinced that I wanted those things and more with her, it was over. To this day I wonder if she ever really reached that second level of love with me. The long distance between us surely played a role in our demise but was she ever as invested as I was? I guess I’ll always wonder but I think I know the answer. Fast forward many years and she’s married now with a few kids of her own. She seems very happy and I’m happy for her. She deserves it. I wouldn’t trade our time together for anything. It was an amazing experience and it started the process for me of understanding what love is and what’s required.
“I wanna know what love is. I want you to show me.” –Foreigner
What does the future hold? Well, hopefully love and hopefully love on both levels. I know I have the capacity to love deeply and completely. If you made it through this entire essay on love, I love you… but only on the 1st level. I’m all for us spreading and sharing as much love as possible. The world is a better place when we love. But when we get into relationships, let’s not love frivolously. Love deserves more than that. It’s been getting a bad name from all the posers and people who aren’t really committed to it. Love with your heart AND your head. Love deeply as well as passionately, intellectually as well as emotionally and I guarantee you that you’ll have more fulfilling relationships. Hell, maybe you’ll have just one.
“Love is the best thing we do” –Ted Mosby
