Fireworks (7-6-12)

I just saw the most amazing thing. A few hours ago I wasn’t even sure I’d leave the house but I’m so glad I did. If you read my last blog you know things haven’t been easy for me lately. Usually when I’d hear about some cool thing happening soon I’d tell everyone I know about it. I may have mentioned it to a few people this week but for the most part I didn’t try to organize the peeps to check it out. This is due to how I’ve been feeling. It basically was a tribute to the war of 1812 at Delaware Park with music, entertainment, the Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra and a fireworks show at the end. Best of all it was FREE!

Like I said, I mentioned it to a few people but as it turned out no one else could come. Now if you know me you know I hate to go to things alone. To me the best times are shared times, the best things are shared things. What good is a great time if it’s yours and yours alone? So after I had lunch this afternoon I started to think this evening wasn’t going to happen. I began to despair so much that I stayed later at work. Previously I had planned to leave for home by 6pm. The shindig at the park was starting at 5ish and going until the fireworks illuminated the sky after dark. When I left work it was 5 minutes to 8pm. You could say I had all but given up on the festivities. 

I walked into my apartment and my mind was more on food than fun. After I had a quick bite and settled in it was already 8:30… time to tap out and wave the white flag. The whole time I ate and checked social media I wanted to kick off my shoes and remove a few articles of clothing and achieve the next level of comfort, perhaps one that there is no return from but something wouldn’t let me go there.

My mind started to run through the hypothetical but likely. The fireworks wouldn’t start until total darkness which won’t happen until at least 9:30 at the earliest and the BPO would be wrapping up their performance during the fireworks show, so they’d probably start at 8 or even 8:30. I could hop on my bike and be there in 10-15 minutes. I could totally do that. I could still catch a big chunk of the show, even though I took my time to eat, even though I stayed at work an extra 2 hours. I could still do it.

Within a few minutes I was on the road with music blaring through my ear-buds and purpose in my pedaling. I’ve looked forward to this all week, I deserve this; I thought. Why should I not go just because I couldn’t convince anyone else to join me? This was an easy one… a short ride, outdoors, no charge. There was no reason NOT to go. Besides, on the 4th of July I was supposed to go to a cool party and see fireworks and I let my emotions get the better of me and I stayed home. But today is different. Today I wrote a happy poem. Today I left the house when I had all but given up o the evening. Today I might have turned the corner. Today I arrived at the park at about 10 minutes to 9 and even though I came into the park completely across from where the BPO was already playing, I could hear them clearly.

The people looked like ants from as far away as I was but the music was coming through nicely. I stopped next to the baseball diamonds and sat in one of the dugouts. The music sounded great. I wasn’t within eye shot of the show but I could recognize a classic tune that was affiliated with one of the military branches… okay, I could almost recognize it, but the music was loud and clear.

Did I want to continue further into the park and all the way to across from the zoo where the BPO was playing? I could see there were many people in chairs and even some lying on blankets far off in the distance. I wanted to enjoy the music but I didn’t really want to be around the people. So I stayed where I was for 10 minutes and thought it over to a beautiful soundtrack. After the 10 minutes of deliberating I decided I didn’t want to go any closer and in fact, I wanted to go a little further away. I thought about heading across the park to the lake side. I wanted to sit on the back stairs of the Albright Knox for the fireworks show. That sounded good. It would only take 5 minutes or so to ride there. I wouldn’t be able to hear the Orchestra any longer but I had somehow romanticized the back stairs at the gallery enough to myself that I didn’t mind the loss of the music.

I hopped on my bike and started back along the path but before I could even get 10 seconds into my trip I noticed something. I noticed the fireworks. They were set up on the golf course near the expressway side of the park. They were only 500 yards from where I was riding at that moment. Then I had an idea. Why not sit near the fireworks?!? I hopped off my bike and walked it onto the grass and made my way over to the kids’ soccer fields. Next to each of the two fields is a set of bleachers and I locked my bike up next to the one that was closest to the fireworks. I sat alone, a few rows up and now I was only about 100 yards away from them. As a bonus I could still hear the sweet symphony playing on the other side of the park.

There I sat and waited until it was nearly 10pm. It seemed pitch dark in the park and by now the joggers, bikers and walkers were at a minimum. I was so close to the fireworks set up, it seemed surreal… and NO one was anywhere nearby save the people passing a few hundred yards away on the exercise trails who were preoccupied with their fitness. I wondered if the fireworks were going to be extra loud being so close to them. I left my ear-buds in my ears to provide a small degree of protection against the booming sounds. It’s a good thing I did because when they began it sounded like cannons going off right next to me. The colors and sounds were amazing! The fireworks were going off so close to where I was I actually had to lay across the bleachers a bit to take it all in comfortably and not have to tilt my head up so drastically. They were right on top of me! It was the greatest fireworks show I’ve ever seen, no doubt due to my proximity to it. I had never been so close before and the whole 15 minutes that the sky above me was lit, no one was near me.

There I was practically lying underneath this majestic show and I was alone, and I enjoyed myself. Do I wish friends and/or loved ones could have been there to share that moment with me? Of course I do but for once that didn’t stop me from enjoying myself. Besides as I smiled and blurted out exclamations of joy under the color and lights while I sat there alone I felt special. Maybe I was too wrapped up in the moment but it was hard not to be. It felt like the show was happening just for me… they shouldn’t have. But regardless, I really appreciated it. 

the Hole in My Soul (7-5-12)

I’m going through a very difficult and sad time now. It’s a culmination of things, some big and some small, some known, some not but it has always been a fact that I am right on the verge of being extremely happy and/or very sad. I walk that tightrope daily. I’m an emotional person with a loud, active mind that is always thinking, always analyzing. I’m hard to reach but I love easily, hurt easily and worry constantly. I love hard. I hurt hard. I think hard. Being so passionate and so analytical at once can be a lot of fun and very useful and yet it can be absolutely brutal at other times. This is one of those times.

I feel so restless lately. My patience is thin and my mood shifts. I still want to be kind, relaxed and easy going but I get overwhelmed emotionally so much quicker than before. Have you ever been feeling completely good physically but exhausted mentally? Now you might think, well he’s been through a lot lately and this is merely a reflection of that. I won’t disagree but I feel like the adversity of late has only magnified what feels like something that has been a lifelong struggle for me.

When I was younger “a feeling” always gnawed away at me. I never could figure it out and for most of my teen years I tried to ignore it and just go with the flow. As I finished high school it became nearly impossible to ignore. I thought it was a deep rooted curiousness based on my emerging individuality. Basically, I thought it was kind of an identity crisis. I needed to know who I was. That must be it. I was tired of pretending to be something I was not. I was a little bit of an outcast anyway so I wasn’t a complete follower, but the times I was, it was at the expense of my curious mind and genuine heart, two things that could no longer be denied. Who was I really?

So I explored to my soul’s content and I found out all about the people, places and things I liked, didn’t like and absolutely loved. I tried new things and took notice of my reactions to them. Frankly, this is a journey that I’m still on and hopefully will be for as long as I live but let’s just say I’m not as wide-eyed now as I was 15-20 years ago. I know more now. I’ve grown a bit more decided and quicker to trust my intuition than the naïve overgrown kid with time on his side. Knowing myself and learning all the things I learned inside and out has strengthened me and made me who I am today but that gnawing feeling I felt all those years ago remains. The point is, I feel like I know myself pretty well by now but I feel like something’s missing. It’s the same feeling I’ve always had, kinda like a tickle in the back of my mind. I feel like I have a hole in my soul.

It’s more than a simple emptiness. It’s a lingering, enduring feeling that something isn’t right because something isn’t there. There’s underlying sadness even when I’m happiest but on the other side there is often underlying joy and hopefulness even when I am at my saddest, like I still believe I can find whatever it is that’s missing. The more time goes by the more I think about it. I try to problem solve and then when I can’t find the answer I need, I try to cope best I can. Perhaps it is inevitable to feel this way. In my late 20’s I discovered this thing called Myers-Briggs. It’s basically a personality test where you fall into one of 16 categories. My Myers-Briggs personality type indicator is INFJ. It stands for Introversion, iNtuition, Feeling, Judging. Introversion over extroversion, intuition over sensing, feeling over thinking and judging over perception. INFJs are only about 1%-2% of the population and males are rarer than females. So according to them I am the rarest one of all! We INFJs tend to be creative, smart, focused on fantasy more than reality, attracted to sad things, fearful of doing the wrong thing, observant, avoidant, fearful of drawing attention to self, anxious, cautious, somewhat easily frightened, easily offended, private, easily hurt, socially uncomfortable, emotionally moody, do not enjoy being looked at, fearful, perfectionists, we can sabotage ourselves, can be wounded at the core, value solitude, guarded, not like crowds, organized, second guessing ourselves, focused on peoples hidden motives, prone to crying, not competitive, prone to feelings of loneliness, not spontaneous, prone to sadness, longing for a stabilizing relationship, fearful of rejection in relationships, frequently worried, can feel victimized, prone to intimidation, have lower energy and are strict with ourselves. Basically we tend to be sad souls.

So maybe that’s why I feel like I have this hole in my soul. That sounds like the most logical explanation… I’m just destined to feel this way. But being so analytical I can’t help but wonder if maybe something IS missing. Is there something out there that will make me more complete, less sad and feeling less broken? That maybe someway, somehow, someday I could find some achievement, some goal I haven’t met yet that can provide me with the satisfaction my hungry soul needs.

If that is possible then the question becomes; what’s missing? Obviously, if I knew definitively what it was I’d like to think I’d work hard to get it but what could it be? There are several possibilities…

God? Could it be that the hole in my soul is my lack of faith? I haven’t totally believed since I was a kid so maybe the lifelong absence I feel is of a spiritual nature. I can’t say for sure and maybe I’ll never know until God confirms its’ existence to me. Even though part of me believes, my lifetime has shown me more evidence to not believe. Before any religious folk judge me let me just say I do have spirituality in my life. Just because I’m not godfull doesn’t mean I’m godless. I’ve taken lessons and teachings from various schools of thought and have incorporated it into my own code of conduct, my own philosophy. I think Buddha and Jesus are both great dudes. I try to lead a good life and those values and ideas have come from many places, some of them the same as yours. I just haven’t had that moment, an epiphany if you will, where my doubts are put to rest, maybe I never will. Perhaps this is why my soul is restless.

Maybe it’s from the lack of connections. All I ever want is to make REAL connections with people. I want to find a real depth of feeling with them. Honestly when I meet people I try to ascertain their depth level almost immediately. If I think they have what I seek or at least the potential I become intrigued in both knowing them and connecting with them, if not, then I tend to write them off. Until they prove to me otherwise, I'll maintain a very superficial relationship with them, that is I don't really consider them a friend, more like somebody "I know" instead. I have NO time in my life for shallow people. Now everyone’s idea of depth doesn’t mesh with mine and that’s why this isn’t easy. Plus people who have endeared themselves to us come and go and must be replaced. It's exhausting. I certainly haven’t connected with enough people to appease my appetite, maybe I never will. With all the trials and tribulations we face on a daily basis I am surprised by this. For as much as we are different we also so much the same. We walk the same roads and feel the same things. Why don’t I have more genuine connections? It’s as much my fault as it is yours… okay, maybe more mine. I’m not always open for business and many times my hours of operation don’t coincide with yours so possibly one of us is closed when we cross paths. I can only be open so many hours a week. Social interactions, even with people I know can be exhausting to me so I have to be choosy, but the fact remains, I really do want to connect with people. One day I might connect with just one person or with 30 more people and then my need to connect will subside.

Maybe I’m onto something. Perhaps I need to connect with just one person. Perhaps I just lack that “soulmate”, that companion, partner, the one. Could this be why my soul aches… a lack of soulmates? It seems like the easiest solution. It may not sound logical but maybe when I find someone to share everything I have inside with my hole will close. The hole in my soul could be filled by her love. It’s another intriguing thought. Maybe when I find my loving companion my restless soul will be at peace.

But what if I can’t find that closure until I find out why I’m even here? For someone who is always trying to find the meaning in things, perhaps it is a surprise that I cannot find that meaning of the biggest thing I know… my life. Does my life have any meaning to it? Have I found my calling? If I have not, when will I and if I have, have I pursued it with the ambition necessary to grow it to its’ full potential? Perhaps I feel like something is missing because something is; my calling, my career, my meaning. Do I linger incomplete because I have not completed THIS journey?

Or am I hurting deep inside as a consequence of a pain filled life? I’ve had more family members die than I’d like to count, I’ve lost 2 friends, one to murder, one to suicide and I’ve faced death a few times on my own. Have the losses, the struggle, the heartbreaks, hardships and misfortune simply been too much for my gentle soul to endure? Is it a lifetime burden I struggle with? In some ways I feel lucky to have experienced all I have and to still be here and be able to not only discuss them at length but to take the positives from each situation forward with me. There’s no doubt the pain has made me stronger but I can’t help but feel like I lose a small part of myself through every moment of major adversity. Does each blow make the hole grow bigger? If so, how do I reverse this? Is there a way? Is love the answer? Someone once said; All you need is love.

I find myself at a loss. Could any of these things fill the vacancy and make my soul feel complete? Will it take all of them? Some of them? None of them? Is this merely loneliness, emptiness, stubbornness brought on by a unique and terribly complex personality? I want to know the answers. I want to know the remedy, scratch that; I need to know the remedy. I wonder if I can ever fill the hole in my soul.