After returning from the Battle @ Buffalo over at Verve Dance Studio I feel inspired. I think I figured out a way to handle most of the problems people have with one another. We don’t have to use guns or weapons. We don’t have to do anything permanent. We don’t even have to raise our voices. However, I think we DO need to raise the roof.
I think when we have a beef with someone it should be handled only one way: dance. If you want to battle you should do it with your feet not your fists. You should do it popping and locking, not fighting and shooting. We need to bust a move, not bust a cap. When someone wrongs you or hurts your feelings you should have the right to challenge them. You should be able to tell them “it’s on”. Once it’s on, it’s not off til that person battles you on the dance floor. If you win, they have to show respect AND apologize for what they did. If you lose, they still have to show respect and from that point on they know that if they mess with you, they’re gonna get called out on it.
Now I’m not saying we should start static with people just so we can battle. The beef has to be legit. For my white friends, that means that there has to be a legitimate disagreement before any dance battle can occur. You can’t tell somebody it’s on just because they’re at a party with the same shoes as you, or someone gives you a silly look at the supermarket. Battles should be taken seriously and at the end, there should be love and respect no matter who wins. If you bring it just a little better, then you win that beef and you both squash it. You hug it out. Life is too short for lingering beefs.
Think about it. Most of the real a-holes we run into on a daily basis can’t dance. Some of the coolest people you know can dance their ass off. So when the jerks go out and do messed up stuff, they’ll get served. They’ll either have to stop being bad people or learn how to dance really freaking well. Either way that’s a win for humanity. Good energy will triumph over the dark forces.
Plus, I’m not saying you have to learn how to breakdance or some variation of hip hop dance to battle. If you are a salsa dancer, turn up the heat on that person who dissed you. If you are a Riverdancer, drown your opponent and bring the pain like rain. If you are a belly dancer, smack em’ in the lips with your deadly hips. It’s all about what you do, but above all else, you gotta do you. You gotta be yourself and come correct because phonies can’t hang on the dance floor.
So next time some guy spills a beer on you at a bar, tell him it’s on and shake your thing. When it’s all over and he’s like whaaaat, you tell him he just got served and walk away to dance another day. He won’t know what hit him. Guess what? That’s what getting served feels like!
Remember, the next time tensions rise and violence seems like it’s inevitable, it’s gonna be okay... just dance.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
100 Blogs in 100 Days! (Day 10) - "Chair People"
I went to Shakespeare in the Park quite frequently during my twenties. When I’d go it was a nice, relaxing sea of people on blankets, enjoying picnics and/or wine as much as the performance. It’s exactly how you’d think it would be. There was an organic beauty to all of it. A community show put on for free to people sprawling all over the soft, wonderful grass in unison ready to be entertained. It was so chilled out and perfect.
Last summer I went back for the first time in maybe 3 years and there was something noticeably different. There was a slight tension to the crowd that you could feel but could not see. However something new you could definitely see were lawn chairs far and wide. The tension I felt came from people scrambling to get a great spot and plop down their chairs on the hill.
Yes Shakespeare was getting really popular so there were more people and that was part of the tension but instead of the majority of fans sitting on the grass, the vast majority were now sitting in lawn chairs. I discovered that a small spot in the very front was reserved for people who brought blankets, sheets or who simply wanted to sit in the grass. Meanwhile going up the hill were lines and lines of chairs which made the grassy hill look more like an auditorium than a grassy hill. This immediately ruffled my feathers, stuck in my craw AND got my panties into a bunch. So yeah, I didn’t like that.
Who do these “chair people” think they are? As you can tell I am against people bringing lawn chairs out to these events… and don’t get me started on the Bidwell Park concert series. When did we suddenly feel the need to bring chairs to these shows? Did some people just get jealous of the old people who NEEDED to bring them? Yeah, I understand that some people have to bring a chair otherwise they would not be able to see the show. They numbered very few, but now people like me who’d prefer to sprawl out on the grass are the dying breed. How and why did this happen?
Is this just another example of negative American culture? You know the spoiled, take things too far kind of deal? Are we becoming so selfish and self absorbed in our lives that we’ve extended that behavior to when we are at play? On the grass we are all equals but now at certain shows across the country they have to split the chair people and the blanket people up. Splitting up the crowd? When you divide a crowd who are basically there for the exact same reason, it just seems wrong to me but in some cases it may need to be done so everyone can see. Perhaps we simply need taller stages and it wouldn’t matter any longer. I don’t like the division. Part of the reason I go to these things is to feel the warmth and the community of enjoying art with my neighbors. Maybe I’m just too much of an idealist. A co-worker earlier today called me a hippie when I brought up this topic.
I was at a show earlier this summer and I saw firsthand the tumultuous relationship the chair people have with us blanket folk and their own arch nemesis, the Standers. This instance is actually what inspired me to write down “chair people” in my idea notebook for future use and is how this blog came to be today.
These people arrived as early as I did to an outdoor show in the neighborhood. I sat more towards the back but they sat towards the front. They threw down a sheet and all 3 of them were able to fit on it comfortably. I remember this because I found one of the females in this party of 3 very attractive and she had my attention. Okay so it’s not all about nobility.
As the parkway filled up, a couple with a cooler and a few lawn chairs sat down right in front of them and in front their view of the stage. I remember thinking, well that seems kind of rude. What happened to common courtesy? Later in the show as more and more people started moving to the front I did as well as I came up alongside the standing crowd in front of the stage to take a few pictures of the show. As I got into the 80 or so people who were standing I ventured close to where those 2 chair people were as well as the 3 ladies behind them on the blanket.
Now to their credit, the 3 ladies didn’t seem to care that they could not see the band because of the people standing in front of them. Perhaps they were used to it because of the chair people. Speaking of which, the people in those chairs were less than happy. I could actually hear the woman say to the man how all of these people standing in front of them sucked. I wanted to retort. Oh, I so wanted to retort and say well, how do you think the people on the blanket may have felt when you plopped your chairs down in front of them like Magellan claiming the land for Spain ? I was astonished at the sense of entitlement.
I think until the bigger, taller stages are erected or some other solution is discovered the forthcoming war between the chair people and the blanket people may be inevitable. I’ve chosen my side… which side are you on? Viva la Resistance!
Last summer I went back for the first time in maybe 3 years and there was something noticeably different. There was a slight tension to the crowd that you could feel but could not see. However something new you could definitely see were lawn chairs far and wide. The tension I felt came from people scrambling to get a great spot and plop down their chairs on the hill.
Yes Shakespeare was getting really popular so there were more people and that was part of the tension but instead of the majority of fans sitting on the grass, the vast majority were now sitting in lawn chairs. I discovered that a small spot in the very front was reserved for people who brought blankets, sheets or who simply wanted to sit in the grass. Meanwhile going up the hill were lines and lines of chairs which made the grassy hill look more like an auditorium than a grassy hill. This immediately ruffled my feathers, stuck in my craw AND got my panties into a bunch. So yeah, I didn’t like that.
Who do these “chair people” think they are? As you can tell I am against people bringing lawn chairs out to these events… and don’t get me started on the Bidwell Park concert series. When did we suddenly feel the need to bring chairs to these shows? Did some people just get jealous of the old people who NEEDED to bring them? Yeah, I understand that some people have to bring a chair otherwise they would not be able to see the show. They numbered very few, but now people like me who’d prefer to sprawl out on the grass are the dying breed. How and why did this happen?
Is this just another example of negative American culture? You know the spoiled, take things too far kind of deal? Are we becoming so selfish and self absorbed in our lives that we’ve extended that behavior to when we are at play? On the grass we are all equals but now at certain shows across the country they have to split the chair people and the blanket people up. Splitting up the crowd? When you divide a crowd who are basically there for the exact same reason, it just seems wrong to me but in some cases it may need to be done so everyone can see. Perhaps we simply need taller stages and it wouldn’t matter any longer. I don’t like the division. Part of the reason I go to these things is to feel the warmth and the community of enjoying art with my neighbors. Maybe I’m just too much of an idealist. A co-worker earlier today called me a hippie when I brought up this topic.
I was at a show earlier this summer and I saw firsthand the tumultuous relationship the chair people have with us blanket folk and their own arch nemesis, the Standers. This instance is actually what inspired me to write down “chair people” in my idea notebook for future use and is how this blog came to be today.
These people arrived as early as I did to an outdoor show in the neighborhood. I sat more towards the back but they sat towards the front. They threw down a sheet and all 3 of them were able to fit on it comfortably. I remember this because I found one of the females in this party of 3 very attractive and she had my attention. Okay so it’s not all about nobility.
As the parkway filled up, a couple with a cooler and a few lawn chairs sat down right in front of them and in front their view of the stage. I remember thinking, well that seems kind of rude. What happened to common courtesy? Later in the show as more and more people started moving to the front I did as well as I came up alongside the standing crowd in front of the stage to take a few pictures of the show. As I got into the 80 or so people who were standing I ventured close to where those 2 chair people were as well as the 3 ladies behind them on the blanket.
Now to their credit, the 3 ladies didn’t seem to care that they could not see the band because of the people standing in front of them. Perhaps they were used to it because of the chair people. Speaking of which, the people in those chairs were less than happy. I could actually hear the woman say to the man how all of these people standing in front of them sucked. I wanted to retort. Oh, I so wanted to retort and say well, how do you think the people on the blanket may have felt when you plopped your chairs down in front of them like Magellan claiming the land for Spain ? I was astonished at the sense of entitlement.
I think until the bigger, taller stages are erected or some other solution is discovered the forthcoming war between the chair people and the blanket people may be inevitable. I’ve chosen my side… which side are you on? Viva la Resistance!
Thursday, July 29, 2010
100 Blogs in 100 Days: Day 9- "Sex Education"
Warning: This blog is about sex. I am going to talk about sex in a personal way, so if the thought of me talking about sex makes you uncomfortable, I would advise skipping this blog. If you are a little naughty or can handle it, read on.
I’m going to start in spring 1987.
All I wanted to do was play sports. I was 12 years old and every day was the same. I’d go to school and then come home, watch 90 minutes of cartoons which usually consisted of G.I. Joe, Transformers and Voltron. During the cartoons or right after them I ate dinner. Strangely, my family ate at 3:30 or 4pm most of the time which would bother me now but back then I didn’t mind because once dinner was over I would have 3-4 straight uninterrupted hours to go out and play play play. I’d play sports with other kids in the neighborhood, climb things, or take the G.I. Joe action figures out to the yard to wage an imaginary war against aliens, demons or any other terrible creature I saw on television that week.
Like most kids my age my concerns were minor ones… What will Alf do this week? I hope I kick a home run in gym glass tomorrow. I hope we have hot dogs for school lunch today. That was it until one fateful day.
They gathered the whole 7th grade class together in the cafeteria. Was this going to be 2nd lunch? Are we hobbits? I didn’t understand. Then a man and a woman dressed impressively and business-like walked in front of the room and asked how many of us knew where babies come from. I think nearly everyone raised their hands. Everyone knew babies came from women, duh.
Then it started. We began to look at diagrams of penises and vaginas. We learned all about the reproductive systems. I learned all about this dangerous weapon I possessed. It blew my mind. I’m not even sure all of it sunk in that day. But I was fascinated with the amount of responsibility, consideration and care required for my private parts. I had no idea of the importance of that thing! Up until that point I thought it was pretty useless. But on that afternoon Pandora’s jar was opened. I ask you, what does any kid want to do the second they’ve realized they have a new toy… that’s right they want to play with it.
So play I did and true to form I overdid it. Whenever I was outside playing I’d never want the fun to stop. Often my mom had to yell for me to come home or even come down the street to the playground and collect me because when I was just having too much fun, I’d never want it to end! Why would exploring my body be any different? I was having fun and I certainly did not want it to end. Suddenly instead of candy or toys I wanted to spend my allowance on swimsuit issues.
Several months later to say I was addicted might have been an understatement. I both loved and hated these people who taught me about sex. I loved this whole new world they introduced me to but I hated how time consuming and intrusive this new world became. I was never satisfied. 2 minutes after I’d finish, I’d want to do it again. I guess this is what happens when you give something important to a 12 year old. I didn’t know control. I didn’t know how to use it properly. I turned my body into an amusement park and the roller coaster was the most popular ride… or was it the tunnel of love?
Perhaps if my parents had discussed it with me I wouldn’t have been so inclined to set new records each week. When a strange woman talks all about sex to you, regardless of it’s at school or anywhere else, it’s a hell of a lot sexier than if your parents try to talk about it with you. Then it goes from mysterious and provocative to downright icky and annoying.
I became a fiend it seemed because these people came in and taught us about sex. With kids how they are and with sex as widespread as it has turned out to be I’m sure it was inevitable to discover this crazy new world and perhaps I would have reacted the same way but as we all know… you never forget your first.
Back to the subject at hand, so to speak… no one knows for certain if that same voracious appetite still exists in this man today, who would be nearly 36 by now, but legend has it that if it does, he hides it well. He always presents as a nice, gentlemanly sort but be careful… if you start talking about sex around him, he’ll blush.
I’m going to start in spring 1987.
All I wanted to do was play sports. I was 12 years old and every day was the same. I’d go to school and then come home, watch 90 minutes of cartoons which usually consisted of G.I. Joe, Transformers and Voltron. During the cartoons or right after them I ate dinner. Strangely, my family ate at 3:30 or 4pm most of the time which would bother me now but back then I didn’t mind because once dinner was over I would have 3-4 straight uninterrupted hours to go out and play play play. I’d play sports with other kids in the neighborhood, climb things, or take the G.I. Joe action figures out to the yard to wage an imaginary war against aliens, demons or any other terrible creature I saw on television that week.
Like most kids my age my concerns were minor ones… What will Alf do this week? I hope I kick a home run in gym glass tomorrow. I hope we have hot dogs for school lunch today. That was it until one fateful day.
They gathered the whole 7th grade class together in the cafeteria. Was this going to be 2nd lunch? Are we hobbits? I didn’t understand. Then a man and a woman dressed impressively and business-like walked in front of the room and asked how many of us knew where babies come from. I think nearly everyone raised their hands. Everyone knew babies came from women, duh.
Then it started. We began to look at diagrams of penises and vaginas. We learned all about the reproductive systems. I learned all about this dangerous weapon I possessed. It blew my mind. I’m not even sure all of it sunk in that day. But I was fascinated with the amount of responsibility, consideration and care required for my private parts. I had no idea of the importance of that thing! Up until that point I thought it was pretty useless. But on that afternoon Pandora’s jar was opened. I ask you, what does any kid want to do the second they’ve realized they have a new toy… that’s right they want to play with it.
So play I did and true to form I overdid it. Whenever I was outside playing I’d never want the fun to stop. Often my mom had to yell for me to come home or even come down the street to the playground and collect me because when I was just having too much fun, I’d never want it to end! Why would exploring my body be any different? I was having fun and I certainly did not want it to end. Suddenly instead of candy or toys I wanted to spend my allowance on swimsuit issues.
Several months later to say I was addicted might have been an understatement. I both loved and hated these people who taught me about sex. I loved this whole new world they introduced me to but I hated how time consuming and intrusive this new world became. I was never satisfied. 2 minutes after I’d finish, I’d want to do it again. I guess this is what happens when you give something important to a 12 year old. I didn’t know control. I didn’t know how to use it properly. I turned my body into an amusement park and the roller coaster was the most popular ride… or was it the tunnel of love?
Perhaps if my parents had discussed it with me I wouldn’t have been so inclined to set new records each week. When a strange woman talks all about sex to you, regardless of it’s at school or anywhere else, it’s a hell of a lot sexier than if your parents try to talk about it with you. Then it goes from mysterious and provocative to downright icky and annoying.
I became a fiend it seemed because these people came in and taught us about sex. With kids how they are and with sex as widespread as it has turned out to be I’m sure it was inevitable to discover this crazy new world and perhaps I would have reacted the same way but as we all know… you never forget your first.
Back to the subject at hand, so to speak… no one knows for certain if that same voracious appetite still exists in this man today, who would be nearly 36 by now, but legend has it that if it does, he hides it well. He always presents as a nice, gentlemanly sort but be careful… if you start talking about sex around him, he’ll blush.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
100 Blogs in 100 Days! Day 8- "Balance"
What does balance mean to you? Do you think of tightrope walking? Money? A balanced diet? Sneakers with an “N” on them? An energy bar? Consistency? Equality? People often speak of maintaining balance between work and play, healthy food and sweets, sadness and happiness and who knows what else. Whatever balance means to you, ideally it’s a positive thing.
“Be aware of wonder. Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some” -Robert Fulghum
I’m a strong believer in the balance of life. I mean that as more than professional balance, I’m talking emotional balance, life balance and the universal balance that exists all around us. My definition of balance is not too unlike what some people define as karma, except I’m not trying to be Zen or Buddhist. I’m just trying to be me. I’m trying to be the best me I can be. Instead of subscribing to one philosophy of thought, I like to combine many philosophies to create my own super philosophy. What I want to do is bring balance to my universe.
It’s not perfect. There are obstacles in the way of balance, no matter what type of balance you are seeking. Life tests and challenges us. There’s bad luck, unfortunate circumstances and also big stress. I feel like we can control a lot more than we think we can but sometimes something comes up and throws our balance into jeopardy. I think I keep an even, mindful keel about 90 percent of the time. I’m smiling, I’m thinking and I am certainly enjoying. That other 10% of the time I’m dealing with stress and my emotions. I know I am emotional and I don’t apologize for it or regret it. I don’t do anything hurtful to people because of it. I pretty much internalize my feelings and hide them from the world. Because of this, those emotions can hinder the pursuit for balance but at the same time those deep emotions make me feel so alive. So it’s all good.
“Evermore in the world is this marvelous balance of beauty and disgust, magnificence and rats.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson
I have my good days, bad days, easy days and tough days. Like I said, it’s all good. Life can’t be all sunny days and if they were, how would you even know what a sunny day was? Yep, I’m talking about necessary evil. You need dark to know light. You need clouds to know sunshine. I guess the key is to have more sunny days than cloudy ones and perhaps balance plays a big role in achieving that. If we get enough play to balance out that work, we are happy. At least that works for me.
Happiness is what I’m always seeking. I still get giddy over a lot of things. I get giddy over a nice surprise, meeting people, pretty women, cute pets, touchdowns, anticipating, a nice cool breeze, comfortable sneakers and on and on. Sometimes I see people with something awesome in their midst and they are ambivalent about it. Inside I am going bananas thinking how can you not feel crazy amounts of joy over that thing? But everyone is different and I’m not trying to tell anyone else how to live. So again I internalize. I just get really happy sometimes and I love it.
Sadness is unavoidable for me. I’m sensitive and I hurt deep and easy. If a friend blows me off I get very sad and upset. When a person rejects me I feel like the world has come crashing down… at least for a little while. Sometimes I get sad about some minor thing and friends give me looks like, why are you so bummed out about that? I get it but I can’t deny who I am. I just get really sad sometimes and for better or worse I love it.
“The word 'happiness' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness” -Carl Gustav Jung
In my relationships, whether its friends or lovers I need to have balance. I need to have a balance of give and take. I’m not saying I need to take things from people close to me, I’m just saying that I give a lot to people I care about and for me to feel content with the relationship I need them to give back to me. It can be attention, affection, love, concern, support, ideas and many other wonderful things. It certainly does not have to be tangible but it has to be there. Regardless of my experiences, I think any healthy relationship requires balance. It can be tough for me though because I give so much that many times people cannot or will not reciprocate and it makes me feel exposed and hurt and leads to a feeling of mistrust of that person. Eventually I distance myself from them and before too long, they’re gone. Things just got too unbalanced.
“The best and safest thing is to keep a balance in your life, acknowledge the great powers around us and in us. If you can do that, and live that way, you are really a wise man.” - Euripides
I don’t claim to have answers, even in regards to my own life but I think finding balance puts me on the right track. I need to find balance in my ratio of work and play, my diet, my exercise, my relationships and my world around me and I think that those answers, at least the ones for me, will start to materialize and bring balance to my life.
“Be aware of wonder. Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some” -Robert Fulghum
I’m a strong believer in the balance of life. I mean that as more than professional balance, I’m talking emotional balance, life balance and the universal balance that exists all around us. My definition of balance is not too unlike what some people define as karma, except I’m not trying to be Zen or Buddhist. I’m just trying to be me. I’m trying to be the best me I can be. Instead of subscribing to one philosophy of thought, I like to combine many philosophies to create my own super philosophy. What I want to do is bring balance to my universe.
It’s not perfect. There are obstacles in the way of balance, no matter what type of balance you are seeking. Life tests and challenges us. There’s bad luck, unfortunate circumstances and also big stress. I feel like we can control a lot more than we think we can but sometimes something comes up and throws our balance into jeopardy. I think I keep an even, mindful keel about 90 percent of the time. I’m smiling, I’m thinking and I am certainly enjoying. That other 10% of the time I’m dealing with stress and my emotions. I know I am emotional and I don’t apologize for it or regret it. I don’t do anything hurtful to people because of it. I pretty much internalize my feelings and hide them from the world. Because of this, those emotions can hinder the pursuit for balance but at the same time those deep emotions make me feel so alive. So it’s all good.
“Evermore in the world is this marvelous balance of beauty and disgust, magnificence and rats.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson
I have my good days, bad days, easy days and tough days. Like I said, it’s all good. Life can’t be all sunny days and if they were, how would you even know what a sunny day was? Yep, I’m talking about necessary evil. You need dark to know light. You need clouds to know sunshine. I guess the key is to have more sunny days than cloudy ones and perhaps balance plays a big role in achieving that. If we get enough play to balance out that work, we are happy. At least that works for me.
Happiness is what I’m always seeking. I still get giddy over a lot of things. I get giddy over a nice surprise, meeting people, pretty women, cute pets, touchdowns, anticipating, a nice cool breeze, comfortable sneakers and on and on. Sometimes I see people with something awesome in their midst and they are ambivalent about it. Inside I am going bananas thinking how can you not feel crazy amounts of joy over that thing? But everyone is different and I’m not trying to tell anyone else how to live. So again I internalize. I just get really happy sometimes and I love it.
Sadness is unavoidable for me. I’m sensitive and I hurt deep and easy. If a friend blows me off I get very sad and upset. When a person rejects me I feel like the world has come crashing down… at least for a little while. Sometimes I get sad about some minor thing and friends give me looks like, why are you so bummed out about that? I get it but I can’t deny who I am. I just get really sad sometimes and for better or worse I love it.
“The word 'happiness' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness” -Carl Gustav Jung
In my relationships, whether its friends or lovers I need to have balance. I need to have a balance of give and take. I’m not saying I need to take things from people close to me, I’m just saying that I give a lot to people I care about and for me to feel content with the relationship I need them to give back to me. It can be attention, affection, love, concern, support, ideas and many other wonderful things. It certainly does not have to be tangible but it has to be there. Regardless of my experiences, I think any healthy relationship requires balance. It can be tough for me though because I give so much that many times people cannot or will not reciprocate and it makes me feel exposed and hurt and leads to a feeling of mistrust of that person. Eventually I distance myself from them and before too long, they’re gone. Things just got too unbalanced.
“The best and safest thing is to keep a balance in your life, acknowledge the great powers around us and in us. If you can do that, and live that way, you are really a wise man.” - Euripides
I don’t claim to have answers, even in regards to my own life but I think finding balance puts me on the right track. I need to find balance in my ratio of work and play, my diet, my exercise, my relationships and my world around me and I think that those answers, at least the ones for me, will start to materialize and bring balance to my life.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
100 Blogs in 100 Days: Day 7- "Finding"
Today's entry comes in the form of a poem I wrote earlier today. I won't tell you what or who it's about. Take a look and come to your own conclusions. It's called "Finding":
Trying to live for today through yesterday
Painting on all the distractions to cover the cracks
Only to return to a home disguised as a temple
The only thing holy is his heart
To fall is divine but to get up is better
It makes him think that he has maintained control
Misguided enough to believe he has fallen on purpose
Too hard, too much, too deep, too easy, too bad
What are you trying to find around corners?
Trying to be what you think they want you to be
Only to feel terrible about looking in the mirror
In this search you’ve lost track of yourself
You get consumed by the thoughts of a kiss
And the whispers of an angel without wings
The decision has come down from the heavens
You are doing it all wrong
Trying to live for today through yesterday
Painting on all the distractions to cover the cracks
Only to return to a home disguised as a temple
The only thing holy is his heart
To fall is divine but to get up is better
It makes him think that he has maintained control
Misguided enough to believe he has fallen on purpose
Too hard, too much, too deep, too easy, too bad
What are you trying to find around corners?
Trying to be what you think they want you to be
Only to feel terrible about looking in the mirror
In this search you’ve lost track of yourself
You get consumed by the thoughts of a kiss
And the whispers of an angel without wings
The decision has come down from the heavens
You are doing it all wrong
Monday, July 26, 2010
100 Blogs in 100 Days! Day 6- "Kickapotamus Go!"
The last week of the Kickapotamus season was filled with high hopes. We were going into our last game with an 0-7 record but we were about to play another 0-7 team. Two winless teams, something had to give! It was also the last week we would be wearing the Red t-shirts of the Bend as our sponsor bar. The Bend isn’t exactly a great bar. I was just on Allen street on Saturday night and every bar in that 2 block strip of Allen was loaded… except for The Bend which had about 10-15 people inside. More than that, as a sponsor they were kinda lacking in the “sponsoring” department. They gave us the red t-shirts that they undoubtedly already had in a box somewhere and that was pretty much it. Yes we played for the Bend and all we got was a red t-shirt. We never received a drink special that I was aware of and prices seemed to go up each week on my Strawberry Daiquiris with the Maliboom boom rum. No Snowflake… bad girl.
I guess Kickapotamus just couldn’t deliver the publicity the Bend needed to justify more than the free t-shirts. We did drink enough there after each game, when the place was empty I might add, to maybe justify something but oh well. Perhaps if we won more games, the word would have gotten out about the place and we’d still have them as our sponsor today. In all seriousness, it was pretty cool to have a sponsor for the 1st time and it was even cooler that we all had on matching t-shirts this season!
So there we were rocking our red Bend shirts one last time and waiting to take on the only other team that “technically” were as bad as we were but it was not to be as the other team didn’t have enough people to play and then out of sheer embarrassment no doubt, those who did arrive, left. Luckily another team was hanging around after their game and agreed to play us despite just playing.
It wasn’t what we expected but hey, we were still playing. So we played this substitute team and I should note that this was the only team we’ve ever beaten in our 2 seasons of kickball. We played our hearts out and we lost again. As always it wasn’t pretty, but also as always it was a ton of fun! Who rocks the party that rocks your body? Well, if you don’t know, now you know. Kickapotamus represent!
We thought our season ended after that game. Technically we were 1-7 since we won a forfeit that last week but on the field we were 0-8 as we hadn’t beaten anyone. We were going to use the couple of weeks off in between our 2 seasons to work on our skills, practice and try to improve a little while the better teams in our league waged war in the playoffs. Little did we know another chapter in the story of Kickapotamus would be written today.
In our kickball league there are 3 divisions: North, Central and South. Last week they had their playoffs and 3 teams emerged as the winners of each division. So this week, or today they wanted the winners to play and find out who the ultimate spring session kickball team is. Those of you who follow sports already know what the problem is, How do you get to 1 from 3? If there were 2 teams it would be easy but 3? Actually if there were 4 teams it would also be easy because you’d have 2 games and then the winners of those 2 games would play each other for the league championship. The problem is only 3 teams qualified for this last day of playoffs.
Enter Kickapotamus. If you needed a 4th team on the most important day of the season, who is a better choice than us? Sure other teams have better records, we have bongos. Sure other teams are more competitive but we could totally out drink them and finally, yes there are more deserving teams but we are talking about Adult Kickball here. The whole idea is silly, ridiculous and purely for fun and who are more silly, ridiculous and fun than us. We embody the spirit of adult kickball and damn it we deserve to be there today where we will most likely get hammered on the field before we get hammered off of it.
We play at Front Park at 6pm today. We’ll be the team in red. Hey and maybe, just maybe we can shock the kickball world today. Viva Kickapotamus!
I guess Kickapotamus just couldn’t deliver the publicity the Bend needed to justify more than the free t-shirts. We did drink enough there after each game, when the place was empty I might add, to maybe justify something but oh well. Perhaps if we won more games, the word would have gotten out about the place and we’d still have them as our sponsor today. In all seriousness, it was pretty cool to have a sponsor for the 1st time and it was even cooler that we all had on matching t-shirts this season!
So there we were rocking our red Bend shirts one last time and waiting to take on the only other team that “technically” were as bad as we were but it was not to be as the other team didn’t have enough people to play and then out of sheer embarrassment no doubt, those who did arrive, left. Luckily another team was hanging around after their game and agreed to play us despite just playing.
It wasn’t what we expected but hey, we were still playing. So we played this substitute team and I should note that this was the only team we’ve ever beaten in our 2 seasons of kickball. We played our hearts out and we lost again. As always it wasn’t pretty, but also as always it was a ton of fun! Who rocks the party that rocks your body? Well, if you don’t know, now you know. Kickapotamus represent!
We thought our season ended after that game. Technically we were 1-7 since we won a forfeit that last week but on the field we were 0-8 as we hadn’t beaten anyone. We were going to use the couple of weeks off in between our 2 seasons to work on our skills, practice and try to improve a little while the better teams in our league waged war in the playoffs. Little did we know another chapter in the story of Kickapotamus would be written today.
In our kickball league there are 3 divisions: North, Central and South. Last week they had their playoffs and 3 teams emerged as the winners of each division. So this week, or today they wanted the winners to play and find out who the ultimate spring session kickball team is. Those of you who follow sports already know what the problem is, How do you get to 1 from 3? If there were 2 teams it would be easy but 3? Actually if there were 4 teams it would also be easy because you’d have 2 games and then the winners of those 2 games would play each other for the league championship. The problem is only 3 teams qualified for this last day of playoffs.
Enter Kickapotamus. If you needed a 4th team on the most important day of the season, who is a better choice than us? Sure other teams have better records, we have bongos. Sure other teams are more competitive but we could totally out drink them and finally, yes there are more deserving teams but we are talking about Adult Kickball here. The whole idea is silly, ridiculous and purely for fun and who are more silly, ridiculous and fun than us. We embody the spirit of adult kickball and damn it we deserve to be there today where we will most likely get hammered on the field before we get hammered off of it.
We play at Front Park at 6pm today. We’ll be the team in red. Hey and maybe, just maybe we can shock the kickball world today. Viva Kickapotamus!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
100 Blogs in 100 Days: Day 5- "Booked"
We’ve arrived at the 5th day already, only 95 more to go. I woke today and felt refreshed and renewed. Yesterdays troubles are just that, yesterday’s. I say down with drama, bad people and lies and up with what’s easy. I’m talking about easy hearts, easy people and easy relationships. That’s why today I didn’t take part in the garden walk but instead sat on Caffé Aroma’s patio for over 5 hours with a few of my oldest friends just shooting the breeze, making jokes and people watching. It was so pleasant and easy going that it was perfect. Plus I got a ton of sun but not too much burning.
Last night I made my first stop down at the Infringement Festival which started on Thursday and goes all the way through next Sunday August 1st. There is music, poetry, dance, film, culture, and serious art going on throughout the 10 days of the festival and I highly recommend checking it out and giving something a try. Schedules are in the current edition of Artvoice and online at http://www.infringebuffalo.org/schedule.php
I took in a band I hadn’t seen in many years, Anal Pudding and they were a lot of fun. Their songs seem more dancey than when I last saw them and the subject matter in their songs' lyrics lies somewhere between disgusting and hilarious. Since my sense of humor is naughtier than many, I had no problems with songs like Can I Masturbate in Your Car, Goat Raper and You’re Mama’s Got a Strap On and I think everyone should see these guys once. Whether you love them or hate them, they’ll get you talking and you’ll have a strong feeling about them one way or the other, which is what music is all about. What fun is it to see a band and think they are just okay?
I wrote as my status today how I have plans for the next 9 evenings in a row. It’s no joke! I’m going to lay it all out here and I will also cordially invite you to hang out if you feel like it.
Monday 7/26- The return of Kickapotamus as our kickball team takes on an unnamed foe in a KICKBALL PLAYOFF game! More details on this in tomorrow’s blog but I will tell you that we play at 6pm Monday evening at Front Park. Come down if you wanna see how it should be done!
Tuesday 7/27- Steam Donkeys, Bidwell Park. The Tuesday night Bidwell Park concert series continues with the Steam Donkeys, a local band that is a poppy rock band with some Americana roots rock mixed in. They should be cool to check out. The show is FREE and goes from 7-9pm. I usually go with at least 1 friend and we just throw a blanket down on the grass and soak in the atmosphere.
Wednesday 7/28- SOCCER! The MLS (Major League Soccer) is having their all-star game so to speak. Unlike the other major sports where the all-stars are split into 2 teams and the 2 teams play each other, the MLS all-stars will comprise 1 whole team and their opponent will be… Manchester United, yes the Manchester United on tour from the English Premier League which starts their own league play in a few weeks. I’m going down to Caffe Aroma, because where else around here would you watch soccer? Starts at 8:30pm.
Thursday 7/29- DANCE PARTY- As part of the ongoing Buffalo Infringement Festival Nietzsche’s on Allen is hosting a dance party from 9pm to 1am featuring some breakdancing with The Differential Flavor Crew and much more. I may not hit the floor too much but I surely love to watch those who do it well.
Friday 7/30- 6:30pm at Rust Belt Books there’s an honest to goodness puppet show http://www.costapuppets.com/ It’s called the Edge of Here and they go on Thursday night as well. If I miss the Thursday show I’ll try to catch Friday’s. It’s only about 45 minutes long which will enable me to make it back up Elmwood for 8PM- Cash For Congas, If you don’t know what that is yet, it’s a fundraiser for our kickball team conga player whose conga was stolen from his vehicle recently. He’s gives so much to us on the field as he plays that thing during the entire game so the least we can do is give back and help him get a new one! For more details: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=126571450695005#!/event.php?eid=141969319162977&ref=mf
Saturday 7/31- More Infringement Festival madness! There’s an Animation showcase, tons more music from great area bands in many venues within walking distance of one another and I don’t know which show I’ll see yet, I just know I’ll be down there.
Sunday 8/1- The Infringement Festival ends with a bang as they take over the Broadway Market! On the roof of the market will be multiple stages and tons of bands from Noon to 8pm! How can you resist that much music in such a great venue!
Monday 8/2- Kickapotamus’ first kickball game of the NEW season playing for our NEW sponsor the Old Pink!
Tuesday 8/3 Bidwell Park concert series: The Latin Jazz Project. 7-9pm. I can feel an itch in my hips just thinking about it!
So there’s my next 9 days planned out. Like I said if you wanna join me for something, feel free. Some things I’m going with a friend or two and a few of them I’m going alone so far.
Also on the horizon:
-Shakespeare in the Park Macbeth with an all female cast!
-Buffalo Bisons Friday night bash, August 6th
-My Birthday, Saturday August 7th!
Last night I made my first stop down at the Infringement Festival which started on Thursday and goes all the way through next Sunday August 1st. There is music, poetry, dance, film, culture, and serious art going on throughout the 10 days of the festival and I highly recommend checking it out and giving something a try. Schedules are in the current edition of Artvoice and online at http://www.infringebuffalo.org/schedule.php
I took in a band I hadn’t seen in many years, Anal Pudding and they were a lot of fun. Their songs seem more dancey than when I last saw them and the subject matter in their songs' lyrics lies somewhere between disgusting and hilarious. Since my sense of humor is naughtier than many, I had no problems with songs like Can I Masturbate in Your Car, Goat Raper and You’re Mama’s Got a Strap On and I think everyone should see these guys once. Whether you love them or hate them, they’ll get you talking and you’ll have a strong feeling about them one way or the other, which is what music is all about. What fun is it to see a band and think they are just okay?
I wrote as my status today how I have plans for the next 9 evenings in a row. It’s no joke! I’m going to lay it all out here and I will also cordially invite you to hang out if you feel like it.
Monday 7/26- The return of Kickapotamus as our kickball team takes on an unnamed foe in a KICKBALL PLAYOFF game! More details on this in tomorrow’s blog but I will tell you that we play at 6pm Monday evening at Front Park. Come down if you wanna see how it should be done!
Tuesday 7/27- Steam Donkeys, Bidwell Park. The Tuesday night Bidwell Park concert series continues with the Steam Donkeys, a local band that is a poppy rock band with some Americana roots rock mixed in. They should be cool to check out. The show is FREE and goes from 7-9pm. I usually go with at least 1 friend and we just throw a blanket down on the grass and soak in the atmosphere.
Wednesday 7/28- SOCCER! The MLS (Major League Soccer) is having their all-star game so to speak. Unlike the other major sports where the all-stars are split into 2 teams and the 2 teams play each other, the MLS all-stars will comprise 1 whole team and their opponent will be… Manchester United, yes the Manchester United on tour from the English Premier League which starts their own league play in a few weeks. I’m going down to Caffe Aroma, because where else around here would you watch soccer? Starts at 8:30pm.
Thursday 7/29- DANCE PARTY- As part of the ongoing Buffalo Infringement Festival Nietzsche’s on Allen is hosting a dance party from 9pm to 1am featuring some breakdancing with The Differential Flavor Crew and much more. I may not hit the floor too much but I surely love to watch those who do it well.
Friday 7/30- 6:30pm at Rust Belt Books there’s an honest to goodness puppet show http://www.costapuppets.com/ It’s called the Edge of Here and they go on Thursday night as well. If I miss the Thursday show I’ll try to catch Friday’s. It’s only about 45 minutes long which will enable me to make it back up Elmwood for 8PM- Cash For Congas, If you don’t know what that is yet, it’s a fundraiser for our kickball team conga player whose conga was stolen from his vehicle recently. He’s gives so much to us on the field as he plays that thing during the entire game so the least we can do is give back and help him get a new one! For more details: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=126571450695005#!/event.php?eid=141969319162977&ref=mf
Saturday 7/31- More Infringement Festival madness! There’s an Animation showcase, tons more music from great area bands in many venues within walking distance of one another and I don’t know which show I’ll see yet, I just know I’ll be down there.
Sunday 8/1- The Infringement Festival ends with a bang as they take over the Broadway Market! On the roof of the market will be multiple stages and tons of bands from Noon to 8pm! How can you resist that much music in such a great venue!
Monday 8/2- Kickapotamus’ first kickball game of the NEW season playing for our NEW sponsor the Old Pink!
Tuesday 8/3 Bidwell Park concert series: The Latin Jazz Project. 7-9pm. I can feel an itch in my hips just thinking about it!
So there’s my next 9 days planned out. Like I said if you wanna join me for something, feel free. Some things I’m going with a friend or two and a few of them I’m going alone so far.
Also on the horizon:
-Shakespeare in the Park Macbeth with an all female cast!
-Buffalo Bisons Friday night bash, August 6th
-My Birthday, Saturday August 7th!
Saturday, July 24, 2010
100 Blogs in 100 Days: Day 4- "Dishonesty"
Before anyone gets too concerned I haven’t left facebook or any other site. I was just really pissed off this morning and was thinking of taking a break from being online for a while. So I’m back with new parts and no longer broken. I also didn’t want to post status messages while being so angry. I want to keep my page sunny, silly and true for the most part and I also don’t think anyone wants to hear me whine about my girl troubles.
The short story is I met someone online somewhat recently and we had been talking and things were going very well. I looked forward to getting new messages from her and they didn’t disappoint. She was a divorcee which doesn’t bother me one bit. She told me she was divorced a few years ago and I didn’t ask about it because quite frankly, I didn’t care about her past that much. I don’t care about anyone’s past that much. I try not to judge. I mean, I don’t know what it’s like to be in her shoes.
Right on the verge of our first official date and meeting I find out she is still married to this guy and that she is estranged but still has strong feelings for this person, who by the way cheated on her on several occasions. Are you freaking kidding me?!?
I don’t care about a person’s flaws; is your skin a little wrinkly? Do you have acne problems? Are you shy? Do you have cellulite? Do you have a lot of debt? Do you bite your nails? I don’t care about any of those things if I like you and I was starting to like this woman. BUT if you prove to be dishonest, especially on that level, there is no acceptance on my part. From that point on, we’re done, and you no longer exist in my world. I never forget. Don’t cross me.
Therein lies the trouble with online dating. You can write anything you want to someone. You never know who the person on the other keyboard is. So when I found out I got so angry that I didn’t want to date or even communicate with people online for a long time but meditation and reading has cooled my jets and I am back to the moment.
I just hate being lied to by someone who claims to care about me. We spoke online at length recently and all the while she lied and kept the lies going. Why not just tell me your situation from the beginning? I want to pull back from dating for a little bit because I have been getting my hopes up a lot in the past few months and every time I have gotten my hopes up, they’ve been crushed through dishonesty, cruelty and unrequited feelings. I need a break from women. There are only so many times a sensitive INFJ personality like me can be crushed.
I’m going to continue to work on myself and enjoy life while trying to ignore the loneliness and emotional pain that has been building.
As for the person I am no longer speaking with, It’s her loss. Because she couldn’t tell me the truth she’s not going to get the awesome sincerity, kindness, sweetness, caring, love, generosity, companionship, laughter, loyalty, thoughtfulness, wit, honor, compassion, honesty, passion, intensity and sex that being involved with me brings.
Whatever…
“Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them” -Bill Maher
The short story is I met someone online somewhat recently and we had been talking and things were going very well. I looked forward to getting new messages from her and they didn’t disappoint. She was a divorcee which doesn’t bother me one bit. She told me she was divorced a few years ago and I didn’t ask about it because quite frankly, I didn’t care about her past that much. I don’t care about anyone’s past that much. I try not to judge. I mean, I don’t know what it’s like to be in her shoes.
Right on the verge of our first official date and meeting I find out she is still married to this guy and that she is estranged but still has strong feelings for this person, who by the way cheated on her on several occasions. Are you freaking kidding me?!?
I don’t care about a person’s flaws; is your skin a little wrinkly? Do you have acne problems? Are you shy? Do you have cellulite? Do you have a lot of debt? Do you bite your nails? I don’t care about any of those things if I like you and I was starting to like this woman. BUT if you prove to be dishonest, especially on that level, there is no acceptance on my part. From that point on, we’re done, and you no longer exist in my world. I never forget. Don’t cross me.
Therein lies the trouble with online dating. You can write anything you want to someone. You never know who the person on the other keyboard is. So when I found out I got so angry that I didn’t want to date or even communicate with people online for a long time but meditation and reading has cooled my jets and I am back to the moment.
I just hate being lied to by someone who claims to care about me. We spoke online at length recently and all the while she lied and kept the lies going. Why not just tell me your situation from the beginning? I want to pull back from dating for a little bit because I have been getting my hopes up a lot in the past few months and every time I have gotten my hopes up, they’ve been crushed through dishonesty, cruelty and unrequited feelings. I need a break from women. There are only so many times a sensitive INFJ personality like me can be crushed.
I’m going to continue to work on myself and enjoy life while trying to ignore the loneliness and emotional pain that has been building.
As for the person I am no longer speaking with, It’s her loss. Because she couldn’t tell me the truth she’s not going to get the awesome sincerity, kindness, sweetness, caring, love, generosity, companionship, laughter, loyalty, thoughtfulness, wit, honor, compassion, honesty, passion, intensity and sex that being involved with me brings.
Whatever…
“Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them” -Bill Maher
Friday, July 23, 2010
100 Blogs in 100 Days: Day 3- "You’ve Come a Long Way Baby"
While my recent dating life is about as dreadful now as it has been the last few years I feel like things are looking up. Despite not having a serious girlfriend for a few years and not finding what I want for longer than that I feel a great deal of hope. Things have been moving very slowly in the right direction and I have no reason to think they will reverse their course.
Why am I hopeful? I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately and I think it boils down to Self love, confidence through recent experiences and open mindedness. These are 3 areas that I think are important to finding someone. I can’t see how you’d find someone great if you hate yourself, have little to no confidence and have a narrow mind about people to date. Believe it or not this was how I felt 5-6 years ago.
After setbacks, poor choices and unforeseen circumstances that hurt me more than I expected it’s taken me many years to get to a place where I am comfortable within my own skin. I wouldn’t say I am 100% there yet but who is? The important thing is that I’m getting there, little by little and as I’ve been losing weight this summer and feeling better and better about myself I can feel the self love grow. I think I’m an awesome person on the inside and when I look awesome on the outside (thinner, more handsome and more confident) I think I am gonna fall head over heels for me.
While I would like more confidence, I feel like my self confidence is coming along rather well. I think in the past couple of years I’ve started to come out of my shell and no longer feel the same anxiety talking to strangers as I once did. I’ve always been a bit of a private man, isolated and living in my own world. I started to come out of that when I began posting blogs online where anyone could read them way back in the start of this millennium. To compliment that, I’ve gotten out and did more things with people in the past 2 years than I did the 10 before when I only stuck to a small group of friends. When I go out I find that I’m not the freaky weirdo that could never fit in that I grew up thinking I was. I find that I can get along with almost anyone and my wit and charm can really shine when I am in small groups.
Recent experiences tell me that I’m not so adamant about all the standards I set for my mate long ago. I’m not going to get into all of it here but in the past any potential girlfriends had to be dark haired, tall, athletic, smart, witty, sarcastic, funny, honest, caring, kind, affectionate, into sports, into good music, have good smiles, powerful eyes, with a long suckable neck and sexy as hell. That was just for starters. But I’ve gone out with a few ladies this year alone who do not quality under my old standards. What’s different? Well, I’m certainly more accepting of flaws, even if they aren’t really flaws per se, simply flaws with my plan. I don’t know why I’ve softened my guidelines but I’m glad I have. Is it because I’m getting older and more worried about the prospect of being alone? I can’t say no. I’d like to think there’s more to it than that. I mean, I’m far from perfect but someday I will be the perfect boyfriend, fiancé and husband for somebody. I’m sure the opposite will be true and I only need to look at the past few months for reasons.
Recently, and for the first time in years I was actually starting to truly fall for someone before she cut me down with the just friends axe. The thing that amazed me was that she wasn’t what I normally look for. But as a true INFJ personality I saw the great stuff and it shined so bright that the not so great stuff or stuff I would normally look to avoid couldn’t even be seen. I’m not certain if was a testament to how much I liked her or my growing acceptance of things that just aren’t on my “list”. Perhaps it is a little of both.
With a burgeoning love for myself, better self confidence and a mind open to more possibilities than ever I feel like my time is coming and my next great love (and hopefully my last) may be right around the corner. I’m proud of how far I’ve come and I’m excited about how far I can go. What does all of this mean? I think I’m getting close to finding my queen.
Why am I hopeful? I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately and I think it boils down to Self love, confidence through recent experiences and open mindedness. These are 3 areas that I think are important to finding someone. I can’t see how you’d find someone great if you hate yourself, have little to no confidence and have a narrow mind about people to date. Believe it or not this was how I felt 5-6 years ago.
After setbacks, poor choices and unforeseen circumstances that hurt me more than I expected it’s taken me many years to get to a place where I am comfortable within my own skin. I wouldn’t say I am 100% there yet but who is? The important thing is that I’m getting there, little by little and as I’ve been losing weight this summer and feeling better and better about myself I can feel the self love grow. I think I’m an awesome person on the inside and when I look awesome on the outside (thinner, more handsome and more confident) I think I am gonna fall head over heels for me.
While I would like more confidence, I feel like my self confidence is coming along rather well. I think in the past couple of years I’ve started to come out of my shell and no longer feel the same anxiety talking to strangers as I once did. I’ve always been a bit of a private man, isolated and living in my own world. I started to come out of that when I began posting blogs online where anyone could read them way back in the start of this millennium. To compliment that, I’ve gotten out and did more things with people in the past 2 years than I did the 10 before when I only stuck to a small group of friends. When I go out I find that I’m not the freaky weirdo that could never fit in that I grew up thinking I was. I find that I can get along with almost anyone and my wit and charm can really shine when I am in small groups.
Recent experiences tell me that I’m not so adamant about all the standards I set for my mate long ago. I’m not going to get into all of it here but in the past any potential girlfriends had to be dark haired, tall, athletic, smart, witty, sarcastic, funny, honest, caring, kind, affectionate, into sports, into good music, have good smiles, powerful eyes, with a long suckable neck and sexy as hell. That was just for starters. But I’ve gone out with a few ladies this year alone who do not quality under my old standards. What’s different? Well, I’m certainly more accepting of flaws, even if they aren’t really flaws per se, simply flaws with my plan. I don’t know why I’ve softened my guidelines but I’m glad I have. Is it because I’m getting older and more worried about the prospect of being alone? I can’t say no. I’d like to think there’s more to it than that. I mean, I’m far from perfect but someday I will be the perfect boyfriend, fiancé and husband for somebody. I’m sure the opposite will be true and I only need to look at the past few months for reasons.
Recently, and for the first time in years I was actually starting to truly fall for someone before she cut me down with the just friends axe. The thing that amazed me was that she wasn’t what I normally look for. But as a true INFJ personality I saw the great stuff and it shined so bright that the not so great stuff or stuff I would normally look to avoid couldn’t even be seen. I’m not certain if was a testament to how much I liked her or my growing acceptance of things that just aren’t on my “list”. Perhaps it is a little of both.
With a burgeoning love for myself, better self confidence and a mind open to more possibilities than ever I feel like my time is coming and my next great love (and hopefully my last) may be right around the corner. I’m proud of how far I’ve come and I’m excited about how far I can go. What does all of this mean? I think I’m getting close to finding my queen.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
100 Blogs in 100 Days: Day 2- "Vicious and Delicious"
In my battle to lose weight I’ve decided it might help me to reach my goals if I wrote about them on occasion. As you might have guessed, this is one of those occasions. The way I feel about it is a few visual aids can’t hurt right? We think in language and if I used certain words and terms here, broke them down and even classified them it might help to reinforce intentions and thinking. It might put a thought in my mind about certain foods that hopefully will allow me to make better choices going forward. So with that in mind, if I print this list out and keep it around I’ll have a constant reminder of what I need to consume more, less and none of.
I broke it down into 3 categories which you’ll see below. Foods I need to consume more are things that I don’t eat often but really should find the time and make the effort to eat more. Also of note is that my lists are flooded with Edwin realism. What I mean is there are things that are good for me that could be added to the list (like Spinach) but I don’t like to eat them. What I did was isolate things I like or can tolerate and put those on the list making it more realistic that I’d reach the goal. Conversely I put down awful things I do historically like to eat in great quantity instead of listing things I rarely eat because cutting down on foods I don’t touch will not be of great service to the mission. I very rarely eat bacon so putting it down on my list of things to avoid is meaningless. Without further ado:
1. Foods I need to eat more of: Everything on this list I like when I do eat them but don’t eat much because I find them boring, awkward or I make some other excuse.
-Blueberries: Blueberries are full of the good stuff and they make your tongue temporarily bluey. What’s better than that? I love any food or drink that will turn my tongue blue.
-White Rice: simple, easy, nutritious
-Fish: Omega 3, protein and every time I eat fish I hear that singing fish telling me not to eat that filet o’fish. Now that’s incentive!
-Coconut: I LOVE coconut. There are some good fats in there. I just have to make sure that my intake is not just Almond Joys.
-Dark Chocolate: I used to keep a large bar around and I’d eat a small square or two each day last summer but I got out of the habit of it.
-Yams: I love yams but I don’t like preparing them. Eating yams or sweet potatoes when I’m out doesn’t work either because they either coat them in butter and honey or they give you a sweet butter/honey sauce to dip them in which is bad news and ruins a good thing.
-Oatmeal: I get bored with oatmeal sometimes so maybe I just need to find ways to spruce it up without adding anything harmful to it.
-V-8: Normally I would tell you I really dislike the taste of V-8 but those people have come a long way in their taste technology as they have these new combo flavors with all the old benefits. I recently found this pomegranate blueberry one and a strawberry banana one that are DEElicious.
2. Foods I need to eat once in a while: These are high volume treats I really enjoy. To cut them out would be cruel. We should always enjoy the things we like to eat or drink but we must also be responsible. These things can still be enjoyed and life can still be good but the laws of moderation must be utilized. This will be the hardest of the 3 lists to stay true to but I know I can do it.
-Pizza: I don’t eat pizza like I used to, but when I have some I should really make sure it’s one slice instead of two.
-Burgers: I love me some burgers. I probably average 3-5 a month. Perhaps I can reduce that intake to 1-2 a month. But it is truly hard for me to resist the seduction of a tasty burger.
-Ice Cream: Call me Mister Softie. This is something I’ve already cut down on a great deal but there’s always room for improvement. I love me some soft serve though.
-Brownies: Every once in a while I get a craving for brownies. One good thing is that I never make them in my place anymore. That’s key. But occasionally when I am at a corner store type place I end up getting a square of Little Debbie or a similar kind. That I think needs to end. If I’m going to enjoy one once in a blue moon, I should make sure it’s a high quality brownie.
-Chinese Takeout: I love to eat Chinese food and I probably order once or twice a week. I’m thinking a few times a month might be better.
-Pasta: Call me Eddie bag o donuts. I like to indulge in the pasta semi-frequently. One of the things I’ve done lately is I’ve added a lot of veggies to the sauce when I have pasta so I feel like I need to eat less. Better to load up on the veggies than the pasta.
-Cookie: If the cookie monster can cut down, I guess I can too. But I must insist that C is still for cookie and I still believe that it is good enough for me.
-Fries: I used to eat fries often but now it’s gotten rare. I even turned down some at work recently!
3. Foods I need to stay away from like the plague:
-Cheesecake, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Swedish Fish, Donuts, Pop Tarts, Potato Chips, Popcorn
These are all things I would partake in pretty heavily back in the day. I’ve pretty much cut them out of my life but I do miss some of them.
So there are my lists. I did this for me, so I can remind myself what to do when cravings occur and my willpower is tested. I don’t want to lose track of the big goal: Get thin, get sexy and find my queen.
I’d love to hear your stories about things you might want to eat more, less and not at all.
I broke it down into 3 categories which you’ll see below. Foods I need to consume more are things that I don’t eat often but really should find the time and make the effort to eat more. Also of note is that my lists are flooded with Edwin realism. What I mean is there are things that are good for me that could be added to the list (like Spinach) but I don’t like to eat them. What I did was isolate things I like or can tolerate and put those on the list making it more realistic that I’d reach the goal. Conversely I put down awful things I do historically like to eat in great quantity instead of listing things I rarely eat because cutting down on foods I don’t touch will not be of great service to the mission. I very rarely eat bacon so putting it down on my list of things to avoid is meaningless. Without further ado:
1. Foods I need to eat more of: Everything on this list I like when I do eat them but don’t eat much because I find them boring, awkward or I make some other excuse.
-Blueberries: Blueberries are full of the good stuff and they make your tongue temporarily bluey. What’s better than that? I love any food or drink that will turn my tongue blue.
-White Rice: simple, easy, nutritious
-Fish: Omega 3, protein and every time I eat fish I hear that singing fish telling me not to eat that filet o’fish. Now that’s incentive!
-Coconut: I LOVE coconut. There are some good fats in there. I just have to make sure that my intake is not just Almond Joys.
-Dark Chocolate: I used to keep a large bar around and I’d eat a small square or two each day last summer but I got out of the habit of it.
-Yams: I love yams but I don’t like preparing them. Eating yams or sweet potatoes when I’m out doesn’t work either because they either coat them in butter and honey or they give you a sweet butter/honey sauce to dip them in which is bad news and ruins a good thing.
-Oatmeal: I get bored with oatmeal sometimes so maybe I just need to find ways to spruce it up without adding anything harmful to it.
-V-8: Normally I would tell you I really dislike the taste of V-8 but those people have come a long way in their taste technology as they have these new combo flavors with all the old benefits. I recently found this pomegranate blueberry one and a strawberry banana one that are DEElicious.
2. Foods I need to eat once in a while: These are high volume treats I really enjoy. To cut them out would be cruel. We should always enjoy the things we like to eat or drink but we must also be responsible. These things can still be enjoyed and life can still be good but the laws of moderation must be utilized. This will be the hardest of the 3 lists to stay true to but I know I can do it.
-Pizza: I don’t eat pizza like I used to, but when I have some I should really make sure it’s one slice instead of two.
-Burgers: I love me some burgers. I probably average 3-5 a month. Perhaps I can reduce that intake to 1-2 a month. But it is truly hard for me to resist the seduction of a tasty burger.
-Ice Cream: Call me Mister Softie. This is something I’ve already cut down on a great deal but there’s always room for improvement. I love me some soft serve though.
-Brownies: Every once in a while I get a craving for brownies. One good thing is that I never make them in my place anymore. That’s key. But occasionally when I am at a corner store type place I end up getting a square of Little Debbie or a similar kind. That I think needs to end. If I’m going to enjoy one once in a blue moon, I should make sure it’s a high quality brownie.
-Chinese Takeout: I love to eat Chinese food and I probably order once or twice a week. I’m thinking a few times a month might be better.
-Pasta: Call me Eddie bag o donuts. I like to indulge in the pasta semi-frequently. One of the things I’ve done lately is I’ve added a lot of veggies to the sauce when I have pasta so I feel like I need to eat less. Better to load up on the veggies than the pasta.
-Cookie: If the cookie monster can cut down, I guess I can too. But I must insist that C is still for cookie and I still believe that it is good enough for me.
-Fries: I used to eat fries often but now it’s gotten rare. I even turned down some at work recently!
3. Foods I need to stay away from like the plague:
-Cheesecake, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Swedish Fish, Donuts, Pop Tarts, Potato Chips, Popcorn
These are all things I would partake in pretty heavily back in the day. I’ve pretty much cut them out of my life but I do miss some of them.
So there are my lists. I did this for me, so I can remind myself what to do when cravings occur and my willpower is tested. I don’t want to lose track of the big goal: Get thin, get sexy and find my queen.
I’d love to hear your stories about things you might want to eat more, less and not at all.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
100 Blogs in 100 Days --- Day 1: Justice to Smile About (7-21-10)
“Revenge is a dish best served cold” – Old Klingon Proverb
I’ve always been in love with vigilantism. Now before you blow a gasket on me I want you to understand what I mean. I don’t condone or very much care for this religious killing or payback that these governments and terrorists engage in. To me, that’s not being a vigilante, that’s being a murderer. To me, there’s really no killing in my type of vigilantism. How would someone learn a lesson? How would someone feel humbled or humiliated if they were dead? No, my type of justice is instant and livable. I think my form of instant justice is more of that of an everyday vigilante. When I see a wrong out in my world I want to right it. When I can’t or won’t correct that wrong I feel guilty. Again I don’t look at major crimes as something I should concern myself with. After all, murder, arson, rape and real crimes are police matters. While I do love a good vigilante story I know that in reality there’s a line that should not be crossed. This is why we have police. But there are minor crimes, crimes against decency, crimes against nature, crimes against fashion, crimes against respect and courtesy that should not go overlooked. Well maybe we can overlook fashion crimes. What is happening may not always be illegal or even toeing the line, but they are crimes to me nonetheless. When some douchebag gets comeuppance, it is a most enjoyable feeling.
It’s why I’ve always been attracted to the story of Batman. It’s why I love the movies Taxi Driver, Falling Down, Death Wish, and many more. It’s why I love Dexter. In a strange way seeing evil getting punished reinforces my belief in humanity. It makes me think there is balance out there in this clumsy world. But too often I see people treating other people like garbage and getting away with it. They do it because they’re bigger, tougher, stronger, richer, just plain evil, selfish or think they are better or entitled in some way. It’s not right.
Imagine yourself in traffic and some idiot cuts you and a few other people off rather recklessly all while chatting on his cell phone and is basically oblivious to all the people around him at that very moment. He is living in a self absorbed fantasy world or maybe he is playing a live action video game and then they hit the coup de grace by running the light right in front of all of you which was completely red by the time they reached it. Now imagine yourself driving a few blocks down and seeing that car on the side of the road with a flat tire and an angry driver. Tell me you wouldn’t feel good. Tell me a smile wouldn’t cross your lips because you felt like he got what he deserved. You’d think that’s what they get for being an asshole. If life were so just, if people really reaped what they sow this would happen to bad people all the time. Unfortunately it rarely happens that way without the instant gratification. People do messed up things and get away with them… or so it seems. Do they pay for them? You tell me what you believe. I imagine if and when they get what they deserve the people who were affected by the offending behavior never see it. They don’t know evil was repaid. They almost have to have faith that justice will occur someday. That’s how life can be unfair. Sometimes the thoughtful, respectful, law abiding person gets stepped on by a jerk. The jerk does this because they can. The good person does nothing because they are the good person or the victim.
“Nobody can give you freedom. Nobody can give you equality or justice or anything. If you're a man, you take it.” – Malcolm X
Some people tell me not to worry. They say it will all get balanced out in the next life or the after life or somewhere else down the metaphysical road. I’m not sure I believe that but I don’t know if that is right or wrong.
“I find your lack of faith disturbing” – Darth Vader
What if I don’t believe what you believe? What if I don’t believe in the next life or even the afterlife? Why would I have these feelings? I think it stems from a lack of faith. I don’t entirely believe that people will get paid back for the terrible things they do. Don’t get me wrong, I hope they do but I think I lack the faith. It amuses me because I do believe in personal karma. Gosh, I would never act like a jerk to people because I am afraid of the cosmic repercussions. Maybe if someone doesn’t believe in such things they have nothing to fear?
“Instant karma’s gonna get you” - John Lennon
What if they did have something to fear? The problem with most vigilantes is that they’ve snapped. They’ve had some sort of trigger which caused the mental break from reality. Now the realities of rules and consequences no longer apply. Their heart may be in the right place but their minds may be out to lunch. Now as much as I like lunch, lunch is for the belly, not the mind.
My point is, the chances of running into a vigilante are slim and the chances of seeing justice occur out in the world may be slimmer. So if you ever see a jerk, liar, douchebag or similar type of vermin get their just desserts, it’s okay to smile.
I’ve always been in love with vigilantism. Now before you blow a gasket on me I want you to understand what I mean. I don’t condone or very much care for this religious killing or payback that these governments and terrorists engage in. To me, that’s not being a vigilante, that’s being a murderer. To me, there’s really no killing in my type of vigilantism. How would someone learn a lesson? How would someone feel humbled or humiliated if they were dead? No, my type of justice is instant and livable. I think my form of instant justice is more of that of an everyday vigilante. When I see a wrong out in my world I want to right it. When I can’t or won’t correct that wrong I feel guilty. Again I don’t look at major crimes as something I should concern myself with. After all, murder, arson, rape and real crimes are police matters. While I do love a good vigilante story I know that in reality there’s a line that should not be crossed. This is why we have police. But there are minor crimes, crimes against decency, crimes against nature, crimes against fashion, crimes against respect and courtesy that should not go overlooked. Well maybe we can overlook fashion crimes. What is happening may not always be illegal or even toeing the line, but they are crimes to me nonetheless. When some douchebag gets comeuppance, it is a most enjoyable feeling.
It’s why I’ve always been attracted to the story of Batman. It’s why I love the movies Taxi Driver, Falling Down, Death Wish, and many more. It’s why I love Dexter. In a strange way seeing evil getting punished reinforces my belief in humanity. It makes me think there is balance out there in this clumsy world. But too often I see people treating other people like garbage and getting away with it. They do it because they’re bigger, tougher, stronger, richer, just plain evil, selfish or think they are better or entitled in some way. It’s not right.
Imagine yourself in traffic and some idiot cuts you and a few other people off rather recklessly all while chatting on his cell phone and is basically oblivious to all the people around him at that very moment. He is living in a self absorbed fantasy world or maybe he is playing a live action video game and then they hit the coup de grace by running the light right in front of all of you which was completely red by the time they reached it. Now imagine yourself driving a few blocks down and seeing that car on the side of the road with a flat tire and an angry driver. Tell me you wouldn’t feel good. Tell me a smile wouldn’t cross your lips because you felt like he got what he deserved. You’d think that’s what they get for being an asshole. If life were so just, if people really reaped what they sow this would happen to bad people all the time. Unfortunately it rarely happens that way without the instant gratification. People do messed up things and get away with them… or so it seems. Do they pay for them? You tell me what you believe. I imagine if and when they get what they deserve the people who were affected by the offending behavior never see it. They don’t know evil was repaid. They almost have to have faith that justice will occur someday. That’s how life can be unfair. Sometimes the thoughtful, respectful, law abiding person gets stepped on by a jerk. The jerk does this because they can. The good person does nothing because they are the good person or the victim.
“Nobody can give you freedom. Nobody can give you equality or justice or anything. If you're a man, you take it.” – Malcolm X
Some people tell me not to worry. They say it will all get balanced out in the next life or the after life or somewhere else down the metaphysical road. I’m not sure I believe that but I don’t know if that is right or wrong.
“I find your lack of faith disturbing” – Darth Vader
What if I don’t believe what you believe? What if I don’t believe in the next life or even the afterlife? Why would I have these feelings? I think it stems from a lack of faith. I don’t entirely believe that people will get paid back for the terrible things they do. Don’t get me wrong, I hope they do but I think I lack the faith. It amuses me because I do believe in personal karma. Gosh, I would never act like a jerk to people because I am afraid of the cosmic repercussions. Maybe if someone doesn’t believe in such things they have nothing to fear?
“Instant karma’s gonna get you” - John Lennon
What if they did have something to fear? The problem with most vigilantes is that they’ve snapped. They’ve had some sort of trigger which caused the mental break from reality. Now the realities of rules and consequences no longer apply. Their heart may be in the right place but their minds may be out to lunch. Now as much as I like lunch, lunch is for the belly, not the mind.
My point is, the chances of running into a vigilante are slim and the chances of seeing justice occur out in the world may be slimmer. So if you ever see a jerk, liar, douchebag or similar type of vermin get their just desserts, it’s okay to smile.
100 Blogs in 100 Days - Introduction (7-21-10)
This is a project I’ve been thinking about starting for a few days. When I was younger and perhaps a little less hardened by the events of my life and those around me I used to blog 3-4 times a week. Back in the day I used to post on everything and anything, sometimes striking gold with random thoughts and sometimes striking out without cohesiveness. I miss it. I miss sharing and exchanging so much. To that end I’ve decided to put myself to the test.
I’m going to try to write 100 blogs in 100 days! I’m doing this to see if I can most of all but there are other reasons.
I’ve been looking at some of my blogs from years ago and while I’m still the same goofball I’ve always been who thinks the same silly thoughts (Why do most bald guys have goatees?), I feel like my entries have evolved and turned into something quite different than from when I began.
When I first started to write blogs and I think this began somewhere around 2001, I used to write about my daily adventures, my lovelife, sports, the arts, food, politics, and I’d ask countless questions on a variety of topics as a student of life. It always felt light but genuine. No subject was taboo and I’d be just as comfortable writing about oral sex as I would be writing about going out to a local concert.
Many entries were written in a light-hearted tone and they came in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes an entry would be 1 or 2 paragraphs and sometimes they’d be pretty long. But even the longest of the long back then can’t touch the mini-novels I’ve composed during recent times. Now my blogs are less random and often focused on a specific topic. I almost want to say they are more heavy, deep and serious and maybe they are but I still write in a similar style and I still try to write as humorously as always despite the more serious, mature and maybe even more passionate tone. Like I said, I think life has hardened me a bit over the years, but much like a Caramelo bar once you bite through the hard chocolate exterior, inside you’ll find a soft, sweet, gooey center. Yes, I’ve just compared myself to caramel.
When I look back at things I wrote in my twenties I miss the naivety of the posts. I miss the blind optimism and boundless hope I possessed. Those of you who know me now can attest that I am still a dreamer and I am generally hopeful and optimistic but ten years ago I was ridiculously so.
To get back to my roots I am going to write my ass off. I’m going to write 100 blogs in 100 days. This will be simple, silly and insignificant to most of you but it will be of the utmost importance to me. I hope to acquire more discipline to write everyday. I hope to learn more about myself and the world. Writing is just like any muscle in your body. If you want to be strong you have to workout frequently. Plus most of all, I think this will be fun!
I really hope some of my real friends out there read along as I make my way to 100! But I don’t want to discourage any new friends or casual friends from reading either! I would just like to think that the people who know me fairly well will care that I am doing this and support me. But regardless of who you are, I’d love it if you’d climb on board, offer input, feedback or criticism. Remember, we never learn anything from those who agree with us!
And just so you know how serious I am about this exercise, I’m not going to say that day 1 is just this short blog about how I want to start this thing. That would be too easy. The introduction does not count! You’ll get a real blog, #1 in a few more hours!
Stay tuned!
I’m going to try to write 100 blogs in 100 days! I’m doing this to see if I can most of all but there are other reasons.
I’ve been looking at some of my blogs from years ago and while I’m still the same goofball I’ve always been who thinks the same silly thoughts (Why do most bald guys have goatees?), I feel like my entries have evolved and turned into something quite different than from when I began.
When I first started to write blogs and I think this began somewhere around 2001, I used to write about my daily adventures, my lovelife, sports, the arts, food, politics, and I’d ask countless questions on a variety of topics as a student of life. It always felt light but genuine. No subject was taboo and I’d be just as comfortable writing about oral sex as I would be writing about going out to a local concert.
Many entries were written in a light-hearted tone and they came in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes an entry would be 1 or 2 paragraphs and sometimes they’d be pretty long. But even the longest of the long back then can’t touch the mini-novels I’ve composed during recent times. Now my blogs are less random and often focused on a specific topic. I almost want to say they are more heavy, deep and serious and maybe they are but I still write in a similar style and I still try to write as humorously as always despite the more serious, mature and maybe even more passionate tone. Like I said, I think life has hardened me a bit over the years, but much like a Caramelo bar once you bite through the hard chocolate exterior, inside you’ll find a soft, sweet, gooey center. Yes, I’ve just compared myself to caramel.
When I look back at things I wrote in my twenties I miss the naivety of the posts. I miss the blind optimism and boundless hope I possessed. Those of you who know me now can attest that I am still a dreamer and I am generally hopeful and optimistic but ten years ago I was ridiculously so.
To get back to my roots I am going to write my ass off. I’m going to write 100 blogs in 100 days. This will be simple, silly and insignificant to most of you but it will be of the utmost importance to me. I hope to acquire more discipline to write everyday. I hope to learn more about myself and the world. Writing is just like any muscle in your body. If you want to be strong you have to workout frequently. Plus most of all, I think this will be fun!
I really hope some of my real friends out there read along as I make my way to 100! But I don’t want to discourage any new friends or casual friends from reading either! I would just like to think that the people who know me fairly well will care that I am doing this and support me. But regardless of who you are, I’d love it if you’d climb on board, offer input, feedback or criticism. Remember, we never learn anything from those who agree with us!
And just so you know how serious I am about this exercise, I’m not going to say that day 1 is just this short blog about how I want to start this thing. That would be too easy. The introduction does not count! You’ll get a real blog, #1 in a few more hours!
Stay tuned!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
"Why I hate 8" (7-20-10)
You made the 8 block walk in record form
And couldn’t wait to tell me what was wrong
I thought with time I could help to lift your spirits
But 8 days later you were gone.
While the pain was there I had no idea
You were burdened by such a heavy load
I never thought the toughest person I knew would give up
No use running when you’re on the wrong road
I remember when you used to think
That it was beautiful whenever I gave too much
You said to me don’t you ever stop giving
You’ll never know all the lives you’ve touched
But now I think of your face in memory
Instead of warming up to the corners of your smile
I’ll never forget the last thing you told me
A life lived for another is what’s really worthwhile
ERG
And couldn’t wait to tell me what was wrong
I thought with time I could help to lift your spirits
But 8 days later you were gone.
While the pain was there I had no idea
You were burdened by such a heavy load
I never thought the toughest person I knew would give up
No use running when you’re on the wrong road
I remember when you used to think
That it was beautiful whenever I gave too much
You said to me don’t you ever stop giving
You’ll never know all the lives you’ve touched
But now I think of your face in memory
Instead of warming up to the corners of your smile
I’ll never forget the last thing you told me
A life lived for another is what’s really worthwhile
ERG
Monday, July 5, 2010
Honor Baby (7-5-10)
We often hear people talk of the miracle of life. They’ll say it’s a miracle we’re here. While I do not dispute this whatsoever I think some of us being here worked out a little easier than others. Some people were planned out. Others were created through likely circumstances. Then of course there are accidents, mistakes and very surprising people who walk among us. I feel like I am one of those people. I feel like it is truly a miracle I am here.
Once upon a time a girlfriend who had already known me for several months asked; “Where did you come from?” It wasn’t the first time I was asked that question. The answer is that’s a long, complicated story. For the benefit of those who do not have much time I’ll tell you that I came from Ramon and Audrey. For those of you who have more time… well, let’s go back to 1973.
My father was a very private, very quiet man. It seemed like for him to get into talking about anything he had to have a few beers in him. Once in a while when I was getting close to adulthood he’d have a few and tell me something about how he met my mom or how I came to be.
My father had gotten divorced some time before I was born. He had 6 kids already and he was a steel worker at Bethlehem Steel. Around 1973 he met my mom who was either 19 or 20. He was around 48. Yes, that's quite a difference. My father wasn’t exactly thrilled to be away from his family most of the time and he often coped with this by going drinking with friends. My dad always handled bad news, rough days and anger this way.
My mother was a high school dropout who didn’t even get out of the 9th grade. She ran away from home a lot and was the black sheep of her family. Since she was past 18 she could do what she wanted and that meant hooking up with guys and staying with them for days or weeks at a time. She wasn’t very smart or even streetwise but she was kind and more importantly she would do anything for those who simply were kind to her… a trait that I’ve inherited.
My father often frequented a few Virginia street bars. The Virginia street area was and still is a heavily Puerto Rican populated neighborhood. It was easy for him to find his friends around there, often huddled around a bar pool table. It was at one of these bars where he met my mom. I would love to know how they met exactly but I was never told the story. On the surface these 2 people had absolutely nothing in common except a moment in time. I’m sure my dad was lonely in those days and my mom, well as I said, if someone was nice to her she’d show great kindness and loyalty to them.
At some point in late 1973 my mom became pregnant for the first time. I’m not sure if it was planned. From the bits and pieces I’ve heard over the years I’ve always been under the assumption that it was not. My father, being the honorable and traditional guy he was, married her in April of 1974 when she was almost 6 months along. When I think about all the deadbeat dads out there who hit it and quit it I have to tip my cap to my father. Although he probably saw it as something he had to do there are many men out there who consider the same situation as negotiable.
Adding to the considerable pressure my mismatched parents must have felt was my Grandmother on my mom’s side. Or maybe I should say grandparents although I never heard much about my grandfather’s role in all of this. My grandmother on the other hand was strongly against me even being born. She pushed my mom hard to get an abortion. I’m sure she didn’t like the idea of my mom, as helpless as she was, to have a child, let alone one with a mysterious man more than twice her age.
Complicating it further was the fact that she hated my father because he was Puerto Rican. She thought an interracial baby was an abomination and that I should never have been born. It’s something that sits with me to this day. I’ve always been pro choice but I certainly understand the other side of the issue due to my own circumstances.
Despite her objections to my arrival, after I was born she always treated me well. She was and is still quite racist but I love her. She will hardly speak ill of anyone in my presence because I think she knows that I do not share her beliefs and I would get upset if she did. When I hear about the things she says from other people I can only shake my head. Someone that old, a Polish immigrant set in her ways is not going to suddenly see the light. There isn’t much I could say to convince her otherwise. I leave it at that. I also don’t think she knows that my parents told me about how she felt before I was born and the types of things she did and said. I’ve never discussed that far back with her and I never plan to. Let’s just say that it is over and I’m really glad they didn’t cave in to the pressure.
With all the madness going on in their lives and with the lack of having anything in common or even being able to relate to one another they stayed together and started a life together… quite possibly because of me. In the early morning hours of August 7th 1974 (2:31am to be exact) when my mom was one month short of 21 and my father was one month short of 49 a handsome little guy named Edwin Ray was born. One of my father’s other sons was named Raymond Edwin so I don’t think the name was much of a stretch from my father’s other kids.
As I grew I watched my father age further and reach the point where playing sports with my dad wasn’t going to happen. I saw other kids whose dads were only a generation ahead while my father was at least 2 in front of me. They could play with their sons, teach them things and even relate to them about pop culture or life. My father and I often had trouble understanding each other but I think we did the best we could. There was love there so many times he’d reluctantly bend or I would just accept something he said. I was stubborn just like him so we’d butt heads on occasion but I always had a respectfulness towards my parents that I had learned along the way somehow.
Growing up in my neighborhood I watched many of my friends die, go to prison, and get hooked up with gangs and seedy people. I watched many neighborhood girls get pregnant far too early and fall into the same trappings. While I was friendly with many people in the neighborhood I never got in too far. I never went with a friend if he was on a trip to do something illegal. I wouldn’t touch the neighborhood girls beyond a little making out. Despite everyone falling down around me I stood unaffected by the poverty, ignorance and immaturity that took many of my friends from me. I don't know, maybe those things took me away from them.
As I became a young man I discovered many qualities in myself that my friends didn’t have. At the time it made me less cool in their eyes and I took a great deal of ribbing over it, especially about my feelings of being respectful towards women. That philosophy made me the object of ridicule but I didn’t mind. While I had several friends who engaged in them I could not have any part of one night stands or quick hook ups with women. I had the opportunity on more occasions than I can count on one hand and every single time I turned it down. It just doesn’t work for me. Sex is meaningless to me without deep feelings. And don’t get me wrong, I love sex. I think my appetite for it is stronger than most but somehow I knew, even when I was young and hormones were running wild, to do what I perceived as the right thing. I learned very early that I couldn’t lie to myself.
Besides, I’m the worst liar you’ll meet. I’m terrible at deceiving someone because I can’t hide it. If I even try to trick you I always fess up moments later when I start giggling, making ridiculous faces or saying things in an obvious tone that gives me away. I’m also terrible about keeping secrets from people, especially if they are secrets about me. I don’t have many and if I know someone well enough I won’t have any.
I think about my life and why I am how I am. People will occasionally inquire about where I’ve come from and now you know despite knowing most of the details I often wonder the same thing. I think about why I have such strong morals and deep loyalties towards those I care about. Maybe the circumstances of your arrival directly affect the quality of your stay on this earth. I think about how I got here, what I’ve had to go through and all the wisdom I’ve collected on the way. Perhaps this is why I’ve developed a strong sense of honor, respect, loyalty and love for life and all people. I can’t help it… I’m an honor baby.
Once upon a time a girlfriend who had already known me for several months asked; “Where did you come from?” It wasn’t the first time I was asked that question. The answer is that’s a long, complicated story. For the benefit of those who do not have much time I’ll tell you that I came from Ramon and Audrey. For those of you who have more time… well, let’s go back to 1973.
My father was a very private, very quiet man. It seemed like for him to get into talking about anything he had to have a few beers in him. Once in a while when I was getting close to adulthood he’d have a few and tell me something about how he met my mom or how I came to be.
My father had gotten divorced some time before I was born. He had 6 kids already and he was a steel worker at Bethlehem Steel. Around 1973 he met my mom who was either 19 or 20. He was around 48. Yes, that's quite a difference. My father wasn’t exactly thrilled to be away from his family most of the time and he often coped with this by going drinking with friends. My dad always handled bad news, rough days and anger this way.
My mother was a high school dropout who didn’t even get out of the 9th grade. She ran away from home a lot and was the black sheep of her family. Since she was past 18 she could do what she wanted and that meant hooking up with guys and staying with them for days or weeks at a time. She wasn’t very smart or even streetwise but she was kind and more importantly she would do anything for those who simply were kind to her… a trait that I’ve inherited.
My father often frequented a few Virginia street bars. The Virginia street area was and still is a heavily Puerto Rican populated neighborhood. It was easy for him to find his friends around there, often huddled around a bar pool table. It was at one of these bars where he met my mom. I would love to know how they met exactly but I was never told the story. On the surface these 2 people had absolutely nothing in common except a moment in time. I’m sure my dad was lonely in those days and my mom, well as I said, if someone was nice to her she’d show great kindness and loyalty to them.
At some point in late 1973 my mom became pregnant for the first time. I’m not sure if it was planned. From the bits and pieces I’ve heard over the years I’ve always been under the assumption that it was not. My father, being the honorable and traditional guy he was, married her in April of 1974 when she was almost 6 months along. When I think about all the deadbeat dads out there who hit it and quit it I have to tip my cap to my father. Although he probably saw it as something he had to do there are many men out there who consider the same situation as negotiable.
Adding to the considerable pressure my mismatched parents must have felt was my Grandmother on my mom’s side. Or maybe I should say grandparents although I never heard much about my grandfather’s role in all of this. My grandmother on the other hand was strongly against me even being born. She pushed my mom hard to get an abortion. I’m sure she didn’t like the idea of my mom, as helpless as she was, to have a child, let alone one with a mysterious man more than twice her age.
Complicating it further was the fact that she hated my father because he was Puerto Rican. She thought an interracial baby was an abomination and that I should never have been born. It’s something that sits with me to this day. I’ve always been pro choice but I certainly understand the other side of the issue due to my own circumstances.
Despite her objections to my arrival, after I was born she always treated me well. She was and is still quite racist but I love her. She will hardly speak ill of anyone in my presence because I think she knows that I do not share her beliefs and I would get upset if she did. When I hear about the things she says from other people I can only shake my head. Someone that old, a Polish immigrant set in her ways is not going to suddenly see the light. There isn’t much I could say to convince her otherwise. I leave it at that. I also don’t think she knows that my parents told me about how she felt before I was born and the types of things she did and said. I’ve never discussed that far back with her and I never plan to. Let’s just say that it is over and I’m really glad they didn’t cave in to the pressure.
With all the madness going on in their lives and with the lack of having anything in common or even being able to relate to one another they stayed together and started a life together… quite possibly because of me. In the early morning hours of August 7th 1974 (2:31am to be exact) when my mom was one month short of 21 and my father was one month short of 49 a handsome little guy named Edwin Ray was born. One of my father’s other sons was named Raymond Edwin so I don’t think the name was much of a stretch from my father’s other kids.
As I grew I watched my father age further and reach the point where playing sports with my dad wasn’t going to happen. I saw other kids whose dads were only a generation ahead while my father was at least 2 in front of me. They could play with their sons, teach them things and even relate to them about pop culture or life. My father and I often had trouble understanding each other but I think we did the best we could. There was love there so many times he’d reluctantly bend or I would just accept something he said. I was stubborn just like him so we’d butt heads on occasion but I always had a respectfulness towards my parents that I had learned along the way somehow.
Growing up in my neighborhood I watched many of my friends die, go to prison, and get hooked up with gangs and seedy people. I watched many neighborhood girls get pregnant far too early and fall into the same trappings. While I was friendly with many people in the neighborhood I never got in too far. I never went with a friend if he was on a trip to do something illegal. I wouldn’t touch the neighborhood girls beyond a little making out. Despite everyone falling down around me I stood unaffected by the poverty, ignorance and immaturity that took many of my friends from me. I don't know, maybe those things took me away from them.
As I became a young man I discovered many qualities in myself that my friends didn’t have. At the time it made me less cool in their eyes and I took a great deal of ribbing over it, especially about my feelings of being respectful towards women. That philosophy made me the object of ridicule but I didn’t mind. While I had several friends who engaged in them I could not have any part of one night stands or quick hook ups with women. I had the opportunity on more occasions than I can count on one hand and every single time I turned it down. It just doesn’t work for me. Sex is meaningless to me without deep feelings. And don’t get me wrong, I love sex. I think my appetite for it is stronger than most but somehow I knew, even when I was young and hormones were running wild, to do what I perceived as the right thing. I learned very early that I couldn’t lie to myself.
Besides, I’m the worst liar you’ll meet. I’m terrible at deceiving someone because I can’t hide it. If I even try to trick you I always fess up moments later when I start giggling, making ridiculous faces or saying things in an obvious tone that gives me away. I’m also terrible about keeping secrets from people, especially if they are secrets about me. I don’t have many and if I know someone well enough I won’t have any.
I think about my life and why I am how I am. People will occasionally inquire about where I’ve come from and now you know despite knowing most of the details I often wonder the same thing. I think about why I have such strong morals and deep loyalties towards those I care about. Maybe the circumstances of your arrival directly affect the quality of your stay on this earth. I think about how I got here, what I’ve had to go through and all the wisdom I’ve collected on the way. Perhaps this is why I’ve developed a strong sense of honor, respect, loyalty and love for life and all people. I can’t help it… I’m an honor baby.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Chasing Dreams (7-1-10)
I came back from the store with 3 bags full of the next 4 days. As I made my way down a familiar street I asked myself, was I really alive? Was I really pursuing my dreams? If you’ve ever walked along that path you’ll know beyond a shadow of a doubt that dreams are truly realized by people who need to create. They make something out of nothing. They make legends out of a basic idea. They walk with their heads held high against the backdrop of a perfectly reachable sky. The stars align and the air whispers words of encouragement as they make their way… towards the destiny they once foresaw as recently as yesterday. Dreams are bigger than our daily desires. Dreams are worth more than you have in your pocket. You can’t put a finger on it because chasing dreams are for the rich in spirit and young at heart. If you are both those things you are on the right track. I know I am those things but I can often lose my way. For as rich in spirit and young at heart I feel sometimes I think my dreams are so big that I can’t figure out where to start. Maybe I dream too big. Maybe I have too many dreams. I’ve made several come true in the course of my life but there are always more. Fulfilling a dream is incredibly satisfying but for me, once I get a taste I need more. Dreams turn into rabbits… they multiply. Perhaps I’ll know my time is up when I stop dreaming. I can’t even fathom such a day but maybe it’s out there.
Am I really pursuing them? The simple answer is I am. But if I were to look more closely I’d wonder if I am going after them as hard as I should. I know, I know. I’m probably overthinking it. How hard can you go after them? In life there are things we have to do to get to the things we want to do. The point is my mind has been all over the place of late. I’ve been thinking back about the things I did, the things I wanted to do and the dreams I’ve had and still have. It always leads me to the same place. It leads me to my life’s work… the search for 5 primary things. I’ve been writing about them for years. If you’ve followed my blogs over time you might remember I often write about them at the end of each year to update my progress. I wrote about them at the end of every year with the exception of the last one. I’m not sure why I didn’t do it but maybe I’m making up for it now. If you take away all the little things, all the trivial and mundane which I dearly love my life boils down to the search for 5 major things: love, worth, self, truth and courage. I've been chasing them for most of my adult life.
“Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common-sense.”
Love- My search for love is more than what you’d think. Yes it is primarily about someone to spend my life with, growing and learning about the world and each other through our bond but it also includes a search for love in the world. I’m talking about a love for people, for life, for places, for knowledge and accomplishments. When you walk the earth spreading love, love finds you. When you project love, love responds. I believe that. Sometimes petty things, other people, emotions, negative energy and even bad luck shake my faith in love. Occasionally I have to remind myself to love but it’s never hard to be reminded if I go long enough without it because love is all around and I can’t help but absorb it.
But let’s get back to the search for “her”. My faith in that gets shaken more often. I haven’t been in a serious relationship in a long time and I have so much love to give but I just can’t find someone worthy of that love that reciprocates my feelings back to me. It always seems the ones I want don’t want me and the ones who want me don’t interest me. Basically it’s the equivalent of banging my heart into a wall. I believe in chemistry and connections but if you’ve read my work over the long term you’ll know I don’t subscribe to the theory of “the one”. There are so many people we can be compatible with and could truly love in this world. Even someone like me with my selectiveness and standards could fall for so many different women. Every time I think I have it figured out, life humbles me. Every time I’m ready to give up I meet someone who tickles my fancy and I start all over again. I’m sick of it. I really want to find someone who is an amazing person and who makes me feel great and vice versa. I’m sick of dating. I’m sick of trying so hard. I’m sick of letting people in and getting hurt. I want to find one person who makes me want to devote my life to her and be happily ever after and done with it.
So with a weary heart my search for love continues. For as long as my heart beats I’ll have love to give. I’m waiting for love to give back. I’m dreaming the what seems to be impossible dream. Don Quixote ain’t got nuthin on me!
“Self-worth comes from one thing -- thinking that you are worthy.”
Worth- Your worth is what you bring to the party. It’s what you are and the gifts you possess. It’s born into you. I sometimes struggle with this. I know that we are all born with something to contribute it’s just that I’m not always sure of what that is as far as I’m concerned. We are all worthwhile and have value. Sometimes we lose track and forget that we do but it’s always there. I think my feelings of worth fluctuate all the time because I do lose touch and forget. Also I’m the kind of person who needs support and reminders during those times of doubt or forgetfulness. I feel like I don’t have that person or people that I am really close to that will help me out when I’m lost so it takes me longer to find my way back. I need to change that… no man is an island.
“Take the time to come home to yourself every day”
“We must be our own before we can be another's”
Self- With regards to the 5 things I seek, I feel I’ve made the most progress here. When I think back to how I was at various times of my life and I remember how I denied so much of my true personality it makes me smile. It makes me smile because of how silly I was, worried about people’s reactions or opinions of me. I pretended to be other people or what I thought other people wanted me to be and it was ridiculous. I had friends I shouldn’t have had. I tried to hook up with women I knew deep down were not for me. It’s funny how many masks we wear. One thing I’ve learned over the years is how to be more comfortable within my skin. I accept my flaws. I accept your flaws. Most times I don’t hold them against you… or me. Don’t get me wrong, there’s still work to do. I need to love myself unconditionally. I can have a love/hate relationship with myself. It took a long time to even love myself a little but I reached that place a while back. There’s definitely acceptance of who I am but I can really get down on myself for my mistakes. It’s funny because I don’t care about mistakes when we are speaking externally but internally, it’s a whole different ballgame. It’s kind of like I passed self 101 with flying colors but I’m currently in self 102. I’ll get there. The fact that I can love myself some of the time leads me to believe that I can love myself all the time someday.
“Truth is the secret of eloquence and of virtue, the basis of moral authority; it is the highest summit of art and of life”
Truth- I seek out truth like I’m heavily addicted to it. It’s about wisdom. It’s about knowing the answer. It’s about honor and a moral code. It’s about leading a good life and being able to look at myself in the mirror each day. It’s also about learning the truth. If there’s one thing that drives me batty, it’s not knowing. Knowing the truth is so much better than wondering what it is, at least for me. Even if it’s an unpleasant truth I prefer that to having no idea whatsoever. Maybe that’s why I know a little about so much… I don’t want to be left out of the truth parade.
On the other side of the truth coin, I hate deception and dishonesty. I can't stand phony people or people who have to lie to charm and impress others. Before I get too tall on my soapbox I have to mention I’m not a complete saint or anything like that. I’ll lie on occasion but only about something I deem insignificant and generally only to protect someone’s feelings. For that same reason I will consider stopping short of revealing something. Withholding is not dishonesty when done for noble intentions but it isn’t something we should pat ourselves on the back for either. Sometimes it’s necessary to avoid being mean or cruel, which I feel like is slightly worse than being dishonest.
I see a great deal of honor in truth and I see a great deal of truth in honor. It’s why I live the life I live. The few who know me know that my faith in god or any higher power is shaky at best but they’ll also know that I am spiritual without being religious. I don’t know what’s right for you and whatever it is I say embrace it and be happy but for me, perhaps I take bits and pieces from various theories and religions and have cultivated it into my own code. That’s my truth. I believe in the wind, the sun and the moon. I believe in life giving us signs and I believe in a satisfied mind. Do I believe in fate? Sometimes, but only because I saw the Matrix one too many times.
All I really know is that there is some truth out there. We create it; we discover it and we can embrace it if we want to. I gobble it up like Pac Man and I always want more.
“Your options are limited only by your fears”
Courage- I think Dr. Cornel West has said it best: “Courage is the great enabling virtue that allows one to realize other virtues like love, hope and faith.” You can’t love, hope or believe without courage. What is life without courage? The times when I get most upset with myself are when I am a coward. When I do not stand up for myself, for others or for what’s right I get downright pissed at myself. Maybe it isn’t always fair but that’s how I feel. Courage isn’t easy though. It’s really hard not to go with the grain. It’s hard to shake things up for ideals. We get so comfortable in our lives and I am no exception but sometimes I believe silence and indifference are just as bad as the injustice and evil being ignored or tolerated.
Then there’s daily life. I see a pretty woman. For ten minutes I debate internally whether to talk to her and then before I know it the opportunity vanishes. I let fear have the last word. This also coincides with the relationship between not knowing and truth as I mentioned above. So instead of talking to her where the worst that would happen would be it wouldn’t work, I’ve now left myself wondering what might have been and I’m now angry at myself for letting fear dictate my actions or inactions… wondering and fear – a double whammy. Getting shot down doesn’t seem so bad then, huh? Unfortunately logic can sometimes get drowned out by emotion and fear is a biggie.
In truth, I’ve been more courageous these past few years but I don’t know if it’s from lessons learned and strength developed or from several near death experiences. Maybe those are the same thing. Having 3 experiences where you feel lucky and blessed to have escaped them alive and intact can open your eyes a bit. Hell, one should do the trick. It will give you courage going forward. It will make you wake up and feel lucky and happy that you have and it will make you feel less afraid to face the day and the challenges ahead. I’m saying this as much for my benefit as I am for anyone who reads this but life IS short. Time IS of the essence. Muster the courage to make yourselves happy. Dig deep and find the ability to not let fear get the last word. Search the depths of your being and summon the courage to chase your dreams. That’s what life is all about to me… chasing dreams.
“Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly”
Am I really pursuing them? The simple answer is I am. But if I were to look more closely I’d wonder if I am going after them as hard as I should. I know, I know. I’m probably overthinking it. How hard can you go after them? In life there are things we have to do to get to the things we want to do. The point is my mind has been all over the place of late. I’ve been thinking back about the things I did, the things I wanted to do and the dreams I’ve had and still have. It always leads me to the same place. It leads me to my life’s work… the search for 5 primary things. I’ve been writing about them for years. If you’ve followed my blogs over time you might remember I often write about them at the end of each year to update my progress. I wrote about them at the end of every year with the exception of the last one. I’m not sure why I didn’t do it but maybe I’m making up for it now. If you take away all the little things, all the trivial and mundane which I dearly love my life boils down to the search for 5 major things: love, worth, self, truth and courage. I've been chasing them for most of my adult life.
“Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common-sense.”
Love- My search for love is more than what you’d think. Yes it is primarily about someone to spend my life with, growing and learning about the world and each other through our bond but it also includes a search for love in the world. I’m talking about a love for people, for life, for places, for knowledge and accomplishments. When you walk the earth spreading love, love finds you. When you project love, love responds. I believe that. Sometimes petty things, other people, emotions, negative energy and even bad luck shake my faith in love. Occasionally I have to remind myself to love but it’s never hard to be reminded if I go long enough without it because love is all around and I can’t help but absorb it.
But let’s get back to the search for “her”. My faith in that gets shaken more often. I haven’t been in a serious relationship in a long time and I have so much love to give but I just can’t find someone worthy of that love that reciprocates my feelings back to me. It always seems the ones I want don’t want me and the ones who want me don’t interest me. Basically it’s the equivalent of banging my heart into a wall. I believe in chemistry and connections but if you’ve read my work over the long term you’ll know I don’t subscribe to the theory of “the one”. There are so many people we can be compatible with and could truly love in this world. Even someone like me with my selectiveness and standards could fall for so many different women. Every time I think I have it figured out, life humbles me. Every time I’m ready to give up I meet someone who tickles my fancy and I start all over again. I’m sick of it. I really want to find someone who is an amazing person and who makes me feel great and vice versa. I’m sick of dating. I’m sick of trying so hard. I’m sick of letting people in and getting hurt. I want to find one person who makes me want to devote my life to her and be happily ever after and done with it.
So with a weary heart my search for love continues. For as long as my heart beats I’ll have love to give. I’m waiting for love to give back. I’m dreaming the what seems to be impossible dream. Don Quixote ain’t got nuthin on me!
“Self-worth comes from one thing -- thinking that you are worthy.”
Worth- Your worth is what you bring to the party. It’s what you are and the gifts you possess. It’s born into you. I sometimes struggle with this. I know that we are all born with something to contribute it’s just that I’m not always sure of what that is as far as I’m concerned. We are all worthwhile and have value. Sometimes we lose track and forget that we do but it’s always there. I think my feelings of worth fluctuate all the time because I do lose touch and forget. Also I’m the kind of person who needs support and reminders during those times of doubt or forgetfulness. I feel like I don’t have that person or people that I am really close to that will help me out when I’m lost so it takes me longer to find my way back. I need to change that… no man is an island.
“Take the time to come home to yourself every day”
“We must be our own before we can be another's”
Self- With regards to the 5 things I seek, I feel I’ve made the most progress here. When I think back to how I was at various times of my life and I remember how I denied so much of my true personality it makes me smile. It makes me smile because of how silly I was, worried about people’s reactions or opinions of me. I pretended to be other people or what I thought other people wanted me to be and it was ridiculous. I had friends I shouldn’t have had. I tried to hook up with women I knew deep down were not for me. It’s funny how many masks we wear. One thing I’ve learned over the years is how to be more comfortable within my skin. I accept my flaws. I accept your flaws. Most times I don’t hold them against you… or me. Don’t get me wrong, there’s still work to do. I need to love myself unconditionally. I can have a love/hate relationship with myself. It took a long time to even love myself a little but I reached that place a while back. There’s definitely acceptance of who I am but I can really get down on myself for my mistakes. It’s funny because I don’t care about mistakes when we are speaking externally but internally, it’s a whole different ballgame. It’s kind of like I passed self 101 with flying colors but I’m currently in self 102. I’ll get there. The fact that I can love myself some of the time leads me to believe that I can love myself all the time someday.
“Truth is the secret of eloquence and of virtue, the basis of moral authority; it is the highest summit of art and of life”
Truth- I seek out truth like I’m heavily addicted to it. It’s about wisdom. It’s about knowing the answer. It’s about honor and a moral code. It’s about leading a good life and being able to look at myself in the mirror each day. It’s also about learning the truth. If there’s one thing that drives me batty, it’s not knowing. Knowing the truth is so much better than wondering what it is, at least for me. Even if it’s an unpleasant truth I prefer that to having no idea whatsoever. Maybe that’s why I know a little about so much… I don’t want to be left out of the truth parade.
On the other side of the truth coin, I hate deception and dishonesty. I can't stand phony people or people who have to lie to charm and impress others. Before I get too tall on my soapbox I have to mention I’m not a complete saint or anything like that. I’ll lie on occasion but only about something I deem insignificant and generally only to protect someone’s feelings. For that same reason I will consider stopping short of revealing something. Withholding is not dishonesty when done for noble intentions but it isn’t something we should pat ourselves on the back for either. Sometimes it’s necessary to avoid being mean or cruel, which I feel like is slightly worse than being dishonest.
I see a great deal of honor in truth and I see a great deal of truth in honor. It’s why I live the life I live. The few who know me know that my faith in god or any higher power is shaky at best but they’ll also know that I am spiritual without being religious. I don’t know what’s right for you and whatever it is I say embrace it and be happy but for me, perhaps I take bits and pieces from various theories and religions and have cultivated it into my own code. That’s my truth. I believe in the wind, the sun and the moon. I believe in life giving us signs and I believe in a satisfied mind. Do I believe in fate? Sometimes, but only because I saw the Matrix one too many times.
All I really know is that there is some truth out there. We create it; we discover it and we can embrace it if we want to. I gobble it up like Pac Man and I always want more.
“Your options are limited only by your fears”
Courage- I think Dr. Cornel West has said it best: “Courage is the great enabling virtue that allows one to realize other virtues like love, hope and faith.” You can’t love, hope or believe without courage. What is life without courage? The times when I get most upset with myself are when I am a coward. When I do not stand up for myself, for others or for what’s right I get downright pissed at myself. Maybe it isn’t always fair but that’s how I feel. Courage isn’t easy though. It’s really hard not to go with the grain. It’s hard to shake things up for ideals. We get so comfortable in our lives and I am no exception but sometimes I believe silence and indifference are just as bad as the injustice and evil being ignored or tolerated.
Then there’s daily life. I see a pretty woman. For ten minutes I debate internally whether to talk to her and then before I know it the opportunity vanishes. I let fear have the last word. This also coincides with the relationship between not knowing and truth as I mentioned above. So instead of talking to her where the worst that would happen would be it wouldn’t work, I’ve now left myself wondering what might have been and I’m now angry at myself for letting fear dictate my actions or inactions… wondering and fear – a double whammy. Getting shot down doesn’t seem so bad then, huh? Unfortunately logic can sometimes get drowned out by emotion and fear is a biggie.
In truth, I’ve been more courageous these past few years but I don’t know if it’s from lessons learned and strength developed or from several near death experiences. Maybe those are the same thing. Having 3 experiences where you feel lucky and blessed to have escaped them alive and intact can open your eyes a bit. Hell, one should do the trick. It will give you courage going forward. It will make you wake up and feel lucky and happy that you have and it will make you feel less afraid to face the day and the challenges ahead. I’m saying this as much for my benefit as I am for anyone who reads this but life IS short. Time IS of the essence. Muster the courage to make yourselves happy. Dig deep and find the ability to not let fear get the last word. Search the depths of your being and summon the courage to chase your dreams. That’s what life is all about to me… chasing dreams.
“Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)