I came back from the store with 3 bags full of the next 4 days. As I made my way down a familiar street I asked myself, was I really alive? Was I really pursuing my dreams? If you’ve ever walked along that path you’ll know beyond a shadow of a doubt that dreams are truly realized by people who need to create. They make something out of nothing. They make legends out of a basic idea. They walk with their heads held high against the backdrop of a perfectly reachable sky. The stars align and the air whispers words of encouragement as they make their way… towards the destiny they once foresaw as recently as yesterday. Dreams are bigger than our daily desires. Dreams are worth more than you have in your pocket. You can’t put a finger on it because chasing dreams are for the rich in spirit and young at heart. If you are both those things you are on the right track. I know I am those things but I can often lose my way. For as rich in spirit and young at heart I feel sometimes I think my dreams are so big that I can’t figure out where to start. Maybe I dream too big. Maybe I have too many dreams. I’ve made several come true in the course of my life but there are always more. Fulfilling a dream is incredibly satisfying but for me, once I get a taste I need more. Dreams turn into rabbits… they multiply. Perhaps I’ll know my time is up when I stop dreaming. I can’t even fathom such a day but maybe it’s out there.
Am I really pursuing them? The simple answer is I am. But if I were to look more closely I’d wonder if I am going after them as hard as I should. I know, I know. I’m probably overthinking it. How hard can you go after them? In life there are things we have to do to get to the things we want to do. The point is my mind has been all over the place of late. I’ve been thinking back about the things I did, the things I wanted to do and the dreams I’ve had and still have. It always leads me to the same place. It leads me to my life’s work… the search for 5 primary things. I’ve been writing about them for years. If you’ve followed my blogs over time you might remember I often write about them at the end of each year to update my progress. I wrote about them at the end of every year with the exception of the last one. I’m not sure why I didn’t do it but maybe I’m making up for it now. If you take away all the little things, all the trivial and mundane which I dearly love my life boils down to the search for 5 major things: love, worth, self, truth and courage. I've been chasing them for most of my adult life.
“Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common-sense.”
Love- My search for love is more than what you’d think. Yes it is primarily about someone to spend my life with, growing and learning about the world and each other through our bond but it also includes a search for love in the world. I’m talking about a love for people, for life, for places, for knowledge and accomplishments. When you walk the earth spreading love, love finds you. When you project love, love responds. I believe that. Sometimes petty things, other people, emotions, negative energy and even bad luck shake my faith in love. Occasionally I have to remind myself to love but it’s never hard to be reminded if I go long enough without it because love is all around and I can’t help but absorb it.
But let’s get back to the search for “her”. My faith in that gets shaken more often. I haven’t been in a serious relationship in a long time and I have so much love to give but I just can’t find someone worthy of that love that reciprocates my feelings back to me. It always seems the ones I want don’t want me and the ones who want me don’t interest me. Basically it’s the equivalent of banging my heart into a wall. I believe in chemistry and connections but if you’ve read my work over the long term you’ll know I don’t subscribe to the theory of “the one”. There are so many people we can be compatible with and could truly love in this world. Even someone like me with my selectiveness and standards could fall for so many different women. Every time I think I have it figured out, life humbles me. Every time I’m ready to give up I meet someone who tickles my fancy and I start all over again. I’m sick of it. I really want to find someone who is an amazing person and who makes me feel great and vice versa. I’m sick of dating. I’m sick of trying so hard. I’m sick of letting people in and getting hurt. I want to find one person who makes me want to devote my life to her and be happily ever after and done with it.
So with a weary heart my search for love continues. For as long as my heart beats I’ll have love to give. I’m waiting for love to give back. I’m dreaming the what seems to be impossible dream. Don Quixote ain’t got nuthin on me!
“Self-worth comes from one thing -- thinking that you are worthy.”
Worth- Your worth is what you bring to the party. It’s what you are and the gifts you possess. It’s born into you. I sometimes struggle with this. I know that we are all born with something to contribute it’s just that I’m not always sure of what that is as far as I’m concerned. We are all worthwhile and have value. Sometimes we lose track and forget that we do but it’s always there. I think my feelings of worth fluctuate all the time because I do lose touch and forget. Also I’m the kind of person who needs support and reminders during those times of doubt or forgetfulness. I feel like I don’t have that person or people that I am really close to that will help me out when I’m lost so it takes me longer to find my way back. I need to change that… no man is an island.
“Take the time to come home to yourself every day”
“We must be our own before we can be another's”
Self- With regards to the 5 things I seek, I feel I’ve made the most progress here. When I think back to how I was at various times of my life and I remember how I denied so much of my true personality it makes me smile. It makes me smile because of how silly I was, worried about people’s reactions or opinions of me. I pretended to be other people or what I thought other people wanted me to be and it was ridiculous. I had friends I shouldn’t have had. I tried to hook up with women I knew deep down were not for me. It’s funny how many masks we wear. One thing I’ve learned over the years is how to be more comfortable within my skin. I accept my flaws. I accept your flaws. Most times I don’t hold them against you… or me. Don’t get me wrong, there’s still work to do. I need to love myself unconditionally. I can have a love/hate relationship with myself. It took a long time to even love myself a little but I reached that place a while back. There’s definitely acceptance of who I am but I can really get down on myself for my mistakes. It’s funny because I don’t care about mistakes when we are speaking externally but internally, it’s a whole different ballgame. It’s kind of like I passed self 101 with flying colors but I’m currently in self 102. I’ll get there. The fact that I can love myself some of the time leads me to believe that I can love myself all the time someday.
“Truth is the secret of eloquence and of virtue, the basis of moral authority; it is the highest summit of art and of life”
Truth- I seek out truth like I’m heavily addicted to it. It’s about wisdom. It’s about knowing the answer. It’s about honor and a moral code. It’s about leading a good life and being able to look at myself in the mirror each day. It’s also about learning the truth. If there’s one thing that drives me batty, it’s not knowing. Knowing the truth is so much better than wondering what it is, at least for me. Even if it’s an unpleasant truth I prefer that to having no idea whatsoever. Maybe that’s why I know a little about so much… I don’t want to be left out of the truth parade.
On the other side of the truth coin, I hate deception and dishonesty. I can't stand phony people or people who have to lie to charm and impress others. Before I get too tall on my soapbox I have to mention I’m not a complete saint or anything like that. I’ll lie on occasion but only about something I deem insignificant and generally only to protect someone’s feelings. For that same reason I will consider stopping short of revealing something. Withholding is not dishonesty when done for noble intentions but it isn’t something we should pat ourselves on the back for either. Sometimes it’s necessary to avoid being mean or cruel, which I feel like is slightly worse than being dishonest.
I see a great deal of honor in truth and I see a great deal of truth in honor. It’s why I live the life I live. The few who know me know that my faith in god or any higher power is shaky at best but they’ll also know that I am spiritual without being religious. I don’t know what’s right for you and whatever it is I say embrace it and be happy but for me, perhaps I take bits and pieces from various theories and religions and have cultivated it into my own code. That’s my truth. I believe in the wind, the sun and the moon. I believe in life giving us signs and I believe in a satisfied mind. Do I believe in fate? Sometimes, but only because I saw the Matrix one too many times.
All I really know is that there is some truth out there. We create it; we discover it and we can embrace it if we want to. I gobble it up like Pac Man and I always want more.
“Your options are limited only by your fears”
Courage- I think Dr. Cornel West has said it best: “Courage is the great enabling virtue that allows one to realize other virtues like love, hope and faith.” You can’t love, hope or believe without courage. What is life without courage? The times when I get most upset with myself are when I am a coward. When I do not stand up for myself, for others or for what’s right I get downright pissed at myself. Maybe it isn’t always fair but that’s how I feel. Courage isn’t easy though. It’s really hard not to go with the grain. It’s hard to shake things up for ideals. We get so comfortable in our lives and I am no exception but sometimes I believe silence and indifference are just as bad as the injustice and evil being ignored or tolerated.
Then there’s daily life. I see a pretty woman. For ten minutes I debate internally whether to talk to her and then before I know it the opportunity vanishes. I let fear have the last word. This also coincides with the relationship between not knowing and truth as I mentioned above. So instead of talking to her where the worst that would happen would be it wouldn’t work, I’ve now left myself wondering what might have been and I’m now angry at myself for letting fear dictate my actions or inactions… wondering and fear – a double whammy. Getting shot down doesn’t seem so bad then, huh? Unfortunately logic can sometimes get drowned out by emotion and fear is a biggie.
In truth, I’ve been more courageous these past few years but I don’t know if it’s from lessons learned and strength developed or from several near death experiences. Maybe those are the same thing. Having 3 experiences where you feel lucky and blessed to have escaped them alive and intact can open your eyes a bit. Hell, one should do the trick. It will give you courage going forward. It will make you wake up and feel lucky and happy that you have and it will make you feel less afraid to face the day and the challenges ahead. I’m saying this as much for my benefit as I am for anyone who reads this but life IS short. Time IS of the essence. Muster the courage to make yourselves happy. Dig deep and find the ability to not let fear get the last word. Search the depths of your being and summon the courage to chase your dreams. That’s what life is all about to me… chasing dreams.
“Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly”
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