Do you ever find yourself working or doing something important when inspiration hits you and you come up with an idea or a thought so amazing you need to save it immediately? What do you do? Do you drop everything? I don’t know how you deal with it but I always try to give inspiration the benefit of the doubt over whatever else I’m doing. It isn’t always easy. Some tasks and some lines of work don’t allow this kind of behavior. What if the thing you are right in the middle of is not something you can just stop? That’s the worst! Although my job is hardly ever that important there are times when I have to complete what I am doing before taking a moment for myself. I just have to make sure I don’t lose whatever gem it is while waiting for my opportunity to save it.
I’ll keep repeating the thought or idea in my head over and over again until I can find some way to let it out. I always try to keep a batch of post its, index cards or a small notepad nearby at all times for these emergencies. If needed I can write down a single word, number or symbol that will remind me of the thought when I have the time to cement it further.
Sometimes I’m enamored with the idea so much that my legs start tapping or moving and my body reflects my minds’ excited desire to get the thought somewhere safe. “Where’s a pen” I’m thinking or “where did I put my phone” as it looks like I’m dancing to no music. To the viewer I probably look borderline spastic. On occasion people have even asked me if I have to go to the bathroom. I guess it’s an inspiration dance. Dare not speak to me when I am performing this dance, or at least take pity on me and wait at least until I’ve written down, texted or emailed myself the idea. There have been times where I thought of something profound and then someone distracted me and I lost it. Then I hate that person forever. I kid, but I do spend a large chunk of the rest of that day trying to regain that amazing discovery most times to no avail. Could it have been the meaning of life? A new invention? A faster way to do something? An idea for a poem? A story? Sadly, we’ll never know.
Fate plays a role in this as well. I feel like fate has a pretty good sense of humor or maybe a cruel one when I find myself ready to leave my apartment for work when something brilliant comes to me. I have to put my backpack down, my keys back on the table and sit at my desk for a few minutes to get it out. Of course there are other wonderful times like when I’m trying to go to sleep or if I’m on the can or in the shower. I swear some of my best ideas come to me at some of the worst times. Actually I should rephrase that. A great idea is always welcome! There is no “worst” time. I just like it best when it’s easy to document or channel them because apparently my mind has a mind of its’ own! I say always try to keep something nearby whether that’s your phone, a pencil, a paintbrush, an etch-a-sketch… something. Take it from me and an unfortunate incident that happened this morning… you don’t want to catch yourself at the wrong place at the right time.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Reborn (3-21-11)
Pardon the pun but when I walked into work this morning there was a spring in my step. I felt lighter. I felt stronger. I felt fresh. I felt great. I knew the weather forecast going in. I checked it this morning and it bummed me out, but only for a second… warm to start the day but then getting chilly and remaining chilly and below normal all week. If I had seen a forecast like this even a month ago it would have brought some serious dread and more of those winter blues but that’s just it. The winter is over. While there may be some cold days and chilly nights ahead the fact of the matter is that today is the first full day of spring. Nothing can change that.
Every year spring rejuvenates me and today I feel as fresh and hopeful as ever. My voice is barely working above a whisper and my body is worn down from a very full weekend of activity but none of that matters. I feel like I’ve shed my winter skin and I am ready to roll. Much like the nature around me, I feel reborn. Over the next few weeks I will begin to grow and expand and no I am not talking about waistlines. I’m going to start going out more. I’m going to start to do things based on a feeling or a whim. I’m going to expect to have a good day every day as opposed to knowing a day is going to suck because of the weather.
This is me at my most optimistic. It’s almost manic that I go from being so being down and out stricken with the winter blues to downright euphoric about the 6 months ahead but that is life in Buffalo. The weather here IS manic. The seasons provide such drastic opposites of weather that completely influence and reflect or maybe I should say dictate my mood. I think it does that for many Buffaloians. The good is great when it arrives and the bad is only terrible when it’s been bad for a long time. I don’t feel like garbage when winter hits. It takes months of icy sidewalks and bitter cold to break me down. Eventually it does and usually by February I’m tapping out. I start counting down the weeks to spring. I start anticipating the first 50 degree day, then the first 60 degree day. I start looking to the trees to show me signs of life. Deep below my battered, exhausted surface hope springs eternal. It really does feel like I’ve shed an old layer of skin and have been reenergized by a potent combination of my mind and nature.
The dreamer in me is reborn with new hopes and dreams. Last summer I did many things for the first time. Some were little things I was curious about like trying this restaurant or going on a hike to this place and others were big like appearing in a film for the first time. I don’t know if many of you are old enough to remember those Looney Tunes where they’d post signs about what season it is as a prelude in one of their cartoons. If it was duck season you could be sure Daffy Duck had some trouble coming or if it was wabbit season you could also be sure that Elmer Fudd had some trouble coming and Bugs Bunny was going to give it to him. Well there’s a signpost up ahead. I feel like it says “dream season”. I know the whole year should be dream season but during this time when I feel like I am at the peak of my creativity/emotions/powers, I’m most likely to chase them and tackle as many of them as I can.
The kid in me is reborn as I feel younger this time of year. I get giddy about young things like playing sports on organized teams and going to baseball games, plays, concerts and festivals. I get excited about community events and city pride. I feel like the kid who felt like anything was possible and will appreciate every good moment for what it is.
The energy in me is reborn. Creative inspiration is everywhere. That lull that almost feels like an environmental writer’s block dissipates and suddenly I want to work on a dozen projects. I drop the baggage of the winter that keeps me stuck like an anchor and proceed to only look forward. I’ve already got 8 things written on my calendar for April. By the end of the week I may have 8 more. Life becomes enjoying each moment and then when that moment is gone life becomes anticipating the next great moment which will only be a few blinks away. I chip off all the disappointments, burdens and bad energy the winter provided and start anew with a clean slate. Maybe that’s why I feel lighter.
Needless to say I’m looking forward to a great spring and summer. All that moaning and bitching about the winter is done. This is what we’ve been waiting for. We’ve been reborn. Tomorrow is ours… what will we do with it?
Every year spring rejuvenates me and today I feel as fresh and hopeful as ever. My voice is barely working above a whisper and my body is worn down from a very full weekend of activity but none of that matters. I feel like I’ve shed my winter skin and I am ready to roll. Much like the nature around me, I feel reborn. Over the next few weeks I will begin to grow and expand and no I am not talking about waistlines. I’m going to start going out more. I’m going to start to do things based on a feeling or a whim. I’m going to expect to have a good day every day as opposed to knowing a day is going to suck because of the weather.
This is me at my most optimistic. It’s almost manic that I go from being so being down and out stricken with the winter blues to downright euphoric about the 6 months ahead but that is life in Buffalo. The weather here IS manic. The seasons provide such drastic opposites of weather that completely influence and reflect or maybe I should say dictate my mood. I think it does that for many Buffaloians. The good is great when it arrives and the bad is only terrible when it’s been bad for a long time. I don’t feel like garbage when winter hits. It takes months of icy sidewalks and bitter cold to break me down. Eventually it does and usually by February I’m tapping out. I start counting down the weeks to spring. I start anticipating the first 50 degree day, then the first 60 degree day. I start looking to the trees to show me signs of life. Deep below my battered, exhausted surface hope springs eternal. It really does feel like I’ve shed an old layer of skin and have been reenergized by a potent combination of my mind and nature.
The dreamer in me is reborn with new hopes and dreams. Last summer I did many things for the first time. Some were little things I was curious about like trying this restaurant or going on a hike to this place and others were big like appearing in a film for the first time. I don’t know if many of you are old enough to remember those Looney Tunes where they’d post signs about what season it is as a prelude in one of their cartoons. If it was duck season you could be sure Daffy Duck had some trouble coming or if it was wabbit season you could also be sure that Elmer Fudd had some trouble coming and Bugs Bunny was going to give it to him. Well there’s a signpost up ahead. I feel like it says “dream season”. I know the whole year should be dream season but during this time when I feel like I am at the peak of my creativity/emotions/powers, I’m most likely to chase them and tackle as many of them as I can.
The kid in me is reborn as I feel younger this time of year. I get giddy about young things like playing sports on organized teams and going to baseball games, plays, concerts and festivals. I get excited about community events and city pride. I feel like the kid who felt like anything was possible and will appreciate every good moment for what it is.
The energy in me is reborn. Creative inspiration is everywhere. That lull that almost feels like an environmental writer’s block dissipates and suddenly I want to work on a dozen projects. I drop the baggage of the winter that keeps me stuck like an anchor and proceed to only look forward. I’ve already got 8 things written on my calendar for April. By the end of the week I may have 8 more. Life becomes enjoying each moment and then when that moment is gone life becomes anticipating the next great moment which will only be a few blinks away. I chip off all the disappointments, burdens and bad energy the winter provided and start anew with a clean slate. Maybe that’s why I feel lighter.
Needless to say I’m looking forward to a great spring and summer. All that moaning and bitching about the winter is done. This is what we’ve been waiting for. We’ve been reborn. Tomorrow is ours… what will we do with it?
Thursday, March 10, 2011
* Words and Actions (3-10-11)
Here I am the day after my first ever poetry reading. I have mixed feelings. I read 5 pieces in all and the experience was phenomenal but there was one thing missing… my friend. I wrote a poem for her and she hadn’t seen or heard it yet and I was going to perform it for her. Even though I recently wrote it, I learned it down cold so I could recite it without paper. She didn’t show. She didn’t show because I hurt her the night before. I didn’t support her so she didn’t support me. I’ll get back to this later.
For many years I wanted to read poetry in front of a crowd. It seemed like every time I was ready to do it something happened like the poetry series I was going to try closed down or the person who ran a different series moved to another state. I began to wonder if these were signs that it wouldn’t happen. Did I miss my chance? The major regular poetry reading events were gone and I heard only rumors or bits about other little ones around town. I packed away the pieces I wrote and kinda forgot about poetry for a while.
A little over a year later I met someone who moved me so much that I started to write again. She was extraordinary, so much so that I felt inspiration finally return. She was my muse although she didn’t know it. I started to write about her and then I started to write about other things. My poetry sabbatical had ended. Now I had all these poems and I wanted to share them with her, with you, with everyone but how?
Several more months passed and I was still writing poetry every now and then because she and other things kept inspiring me. A few weeks ago a friend of mine mentioned that they were going to start poetry readings at Caffe Aroma. This was it! This was my chance to get in front of that mic after all this time and fulfill a dream. This was my chance to share with my inspiration a piece that was written just for her. I committed to going even though at the time it was still a few weeks away.
As the days closed to poetry day I wrote a few new pieces. I wrote one about fear that I was going to read first. I wrote a new one for my friend. I mentioned that I wrote one for her when she asked about an older one I wrote for her and she wanted me to email it to her. I declined although she almost convinced me to do it. I wanted her to hear it from me. I wanted to see the look on her face. I stuck to my guns.
I arrived almost an hour before the scheduled start time. It was raining steadily all evening. I wondered if this would affect the turnout. On the facebook page for the event 12 people said they’d be there and 1 was the host so I thought there would be around 10 poets. I liked this open mic poetry thing a lot because it was their first one so it would be small, a friend was hosting it, it was at a place I’m very comfortable in and I knew a few friends were going to be there to support me. This was the right place and time to break my poetry reading cherry.
As it turned out there were only 4 actual readers and that was including me. I had more friends there than that (5)! The place wasn’t full but it was definitely more than half full. The first reader went, an 84 year old poetry pro. His pieces were thought provoking and I tried to listen as much as I could but I knew I was next and my nerves were on crack. I felt so twitchy. I keep telling myself 2 things. The first was to take a nice deep breath when I felt extra tense. The second was that I kept reminding myself to enjoy it. This was my first time. I couldn’t do it for the first time after this. Enjoy it Ed, this is your moment. When the first reader finished he called me up and I grabbed my stack of words and walked up there.
There was a nice tall chair set up next to the mic so I sat down and I think the chair really helped. I was beyond nervous. I took a quick look at my friends and then I started the first piece “Fear”. The piece talks about how my fears keep me from doing things, even from trying things sometimes. I tackled my fears head on by doing this piece right out of the gate. This moment was years in the making and when I reached the end of that piece I knew I’d be alright. My mindset switched from “I don’t know if I can do this” to “Try not to stumble on your words that much”. I began the 2nd piece with a brief introduction about it being short and silly and how it was “written for someone who I thought was coming tonight but isn’t here.” A guy in the front volunteered to take her place. I allowed it and began. This was the only piece I could do without the benefit of a page in front of me and so I did it that way. When I finished that piece and received a great ovation my nervous energy had turned into adrenaline and a rush that had me higher than I’d been in years!
I went up a second time and did a few more pieces because there weren’t too many readers and although I think my tongue stumbled a little a few times, I felt like it went well. I did a piece on President Obama and how I felt in 2008 the day after he won and another one on my identity crisis growing up that continues to this day.
Everyone said I didn’t look nervous despite my insides rattling something fierce when I was up there. A friend even took video of my performances and I can’t wait to see them. Overall the night went nearly perfect with only the one thing lacking to prevent perfection… the absence of my friend, the unknowing muse.
The night before she invited me out along with 3 other friends. I accepted because I hadn’t seen her in nearly 5 weeks and I missed her greatly. She’s super busy with her job so there have been times where I wouldn’t see her for long stretches but this was probably the longest stretch of not seeing her in the year that I’ve known her.
She picked me up on the way to our destination and I was so happy to see her again. She looked even prettier than the last time I’d seen her. I was in awe. We babbled excitedly all the way down so much so that I forgot to tell her where to turn. We met up with another friend and 4 of us went to a bar to await the 5th.
There were people everywhere and it was pretty loud. We all got drinks and posed for a few pictures. Things seemed okay when a guy arrived who I hadn’t seen before. She went right over to him and greeted him and then led him by the hand to our group to meet everyone. Now things began to click. I knew why I hadn’t seen her in so long. There was a new guy. I wish she had told me he was coming because my insides went spinning rapidly when all of it hit me. All my silly hopes and dreams were crushed. It shocked my system but nothing was more shocked or hurt than my heart. I knew how she felt about me, why did it hurt so much?
Somewhere around the 2nd month we knew each other I mentioned to her that I had developing feelings for her through writing. She quickly pointed out that she didn’t have them for me. It was a hard pill to swallow. We were getting to know each other and with every meeting my feelings for her grew. Sometime during the winter those feelings grew into something I hadn’t felt since the supposed love of my life almost 8 years earlier. I knew she didn’t feel the same but like a fool I hoped that the more she got to know me and more we connected over time, experiences, moments and memories that something would develop. I'm a good guy. We obviously have some sort of connection. I thought that my love for her would somehow create a love for me. I knew the odds weren't in my favor but if there is just the slightest, smallest chance you could find someone to be with you for the rest of your life you take that chance.
Everyone who I talked to seeking advice warned me of this strategy. They told me to move on, stay away from her, forget about her, avoid the inevitable pain, embarrassment and heartache in store for me. It wasn’t a strategy, I mean she was my friend and a close one at that. I cared deeply about her. How do you kick someone like that out of your life? I had shared some amazing and memorable times with her and that’s just in the first year we knew each other. I wondered how do I maintain this great friendship without getting hurt, hurting her or making things too uncomfortable?
My plan was simple, don’t tell her how I feel. Bury it. I hoped one of two things would happen: 1- She’d eventually fall for me and everything would be fine or 2- Enough time would pass where my feelings would fade, I’d meet someone else or I would be able to accept the facts and get over it. Obviously I was pulling for #1 but either would have avoided what would happen on that night. As it turned out, my feelings didn't fade, every woman I met I compared to her and they didn't compare and although deep down I knew the truth, I guess I wanted to believe in some hopelessly romantic way that she'd fall for me. Unfortunately when I saw her flirting with this new guy and being handsy I was filled with so much jealousy, anger, hurt and who knows what else. The level of emotional pain surprised and overwhelmed me. There was this woman I adore who didn’t adore me with another guy having a great time. It was eating me up inside. I remember thinking “I waited over a month to see you so I could see this”. I could feel my eyes getting watery. One of the people in the group asked me if I needed a drink. I accepted and he got me a big margarita. I drank it within 20 seconds and put the glass on the bar.
What was I going to do? I wanted to cry. I wanted to run away. I wanted to drink myself so silly that I wouldn’t remember the moment. I thought of her. I didn’t want to ruin her night or any of our other friends by being an ass. I didn't know what I'd do. Would I say snooty things? Would I just be really quiet while the hurt tore me apart inside? I didn’t want to hurt her so I said goodbye to each person including the new guy and I took off. I thought I was doing the right thing but what I didn’t know was that by leaving I really hurt her feelings. So by trying not to hurt her, I hurt her anyway. The last thing she said to me was that she’d see me the next night for the poetry thing. I think I nodded as I hurried out the door. I wonder now if I would have reacted the same way if I knew he was coming and she told me about him prior to his arrival.
I marched my way home walking a 40 minute walk in 30 minutes fighting back tears. I felt so small. I felt so naïve. I felt so stupid. I didn’t know I’d react how I did but I also thought it was just going to be some old friends hanging out. The new guy surprised me and the bare truth laid out in front of me tore me down to my core. I finally saw and became 100% certain that her and I was not to be. My hopes, dreams and love no matter how foolish were destroyed. I am a passionate, sensitive, prideful, emotional guy who wears his heart on his sleeve and while those things often do me credit, in this instance they did great harm. I wished I could turn off my feelings for her. I asked my heart several times that night why I felt the way I did about her. I'm not sure when it happened but at some point I fell in love with her.
The next day my mind was consumed with my pain, my nerves and my poetry reading, so much so that I didn’t write her to apologize for leaving. She didn’t write or text either. I didn’t know or think she was hurt or anything, just surprised. I never meant to ruin her night. I tried to save it. Of course I was blinded by my pain and I couldn’t see the bigger picture.
I discovered she wasn’t happy with me when she didn’t show. She didn’t even text or call to say she couldn’t make it. Nearly that whole hour I was at the coffeeshop before the reading started I kept looking out the window, hoping my muse would show. I was waiting to see her coming down the sidewalk or crossing the street, filling my heart with joy. I understood she was with some guy now and that my hopes and dreams were gone but I still really wanted to recite her poem to her. As my inspiration, I owed her that.
After I got home feeling as high as can be with a wonderful 1st reading behind me something in the back of my mind was starting to bother me. So I promptly wrote her to apologize and she replied quickly telling me how she felt. I didn’t support her so she didn’t feel like supporting me. Then my great night went in the crapper as the guilt took over and I felt so awful inside for hurting the one person in the world I least wanted to hurt.
I don’t know where things are between us now. Can we still be friends? I hope so but at the same time I can’t change how I feel. You can’t tell someone not to love someone. On the one hand my unresolved feelings have a resolution I wasn't expecting, on the other I've only loved 2 people in my entire life, including her. Love doesn't come easy for anyone, especially me. Yep, I'm an idiot. I hope she can forgive me. If she wants me to stay away, I'll disappear and never bother her ever again. I don't know what to do about it. It's out there now. There's no more hiding my feelings. There just a love unrequited. The feelings are already beginning to fade. Once upon a time very recently I loved this woman... does she even care? Does that mean anything to someone who doesn't feel the same way?
She's the most amazing woman I've ever met. It sounds cliché and corny but she makes me want to be a better person. She makes me want to shoot for the moon and go places I’ve never been. She makes me want to take better care of myself. She makes me want to live life more passionately and courageously. The bottom line is that she makes me very happy and I am so comfortable around her. I definitely want her to be happy but more than anything I just wish it could have been with me. If she had opened her heart to me, I would have loved her like she's never been loved. Without her I feel like an uncompleted poem. I want to finish it. I want to share it. I want to read it to you but without my muse, I don’t have the words.
For many years I wanted to read poetry in front of a crowd. It seemed like every time I was ready to do it something happened like the poetry series I was going to try closed down or the person who ran a different series moved to another state. I began to wonder if these were signs that it wouldn’t happen. Did I miss my chance? The major regular poetry reading events were gone and I heard only rumors or bits about other little ones around town. I packed away the pieces I wrote and kinda forgot about poetry for a while.
A little over a year later I met someone who moved me so much that I started to write again. She was extraordinary, so much so that I felt inspiration finally return. She was my muse although she didn’t know it. I started to write about her and then I started to write about other things. My poetry sabbatical had ended. Now I had all these poems and I wanted to share them with her, with you, with everyone but how?
Several more months passed and I was still writing poetry every now and then because she and other things kept inspiring me. A few weeks ago a friend of mine mentioned that they were going to start poetry readings at Caffe Aroma. This was it! This was my chance to get in front of that mic after all this time and fulfill a dream. This was my chance to share with my inspiration a piece that was written just for her. I committed to going even though at the time it was still a few weeks away.
As the days closed to poetry day I wrote a few new pieces. I wrote one about fear that I was going to read first. I wrote a new one for my friend. I mentioned that I wrote one for her when she asked about an older one I wrote for her and she wanted me to email it to her. I declined although she almost convinced me to do it. I wanted her to hear it from me. I wanted to see the look on her face. I stuck to my guns.
I arrived almost an hour before the scheduled start time. It was raining steadily all evening. I wondered if this would affect the turnout. On the facebook page for the event 12 people said they’d be there and 1 was the host so I thought there would be around 10 poets. I liked this open mic poetry thing a lot because it was their first one so it would be small, a friend was hosting it, it was at a place I’m very comfortable in and I knew a few friends were going to be there to support me. This was the right place and time to break my poetry reading cherry.
As it turned out there were only 4 actual readers and that was including me. I had more friends there than that (5)! The place wasn’t full but it was definitely more than half full. The first reader went, an 84 year old poetry pro. His pieces were thought provoking and I tried to listen as much as I could but I knew I was next and my nerves were on crack. I felt so twitchy. I keep telling myself 2 things. The first was to take a nice deep breath when I felt extra tense. The second was that I kept reminding myself to enjoy it. This was my first time. I couldn’t do it for the first time after this. Enjoy it Ed, this is your moment. When the first reader finished he called me up and I grabbed my stack of words and walked up there.
There was a nice tall chair set up next to the mic so I sat down and I think the chair really helped. I was beyond nervous. I took a quick look at my friends and then I started the first piece “Fear”. The piece talks about how my fears keep me from doing things, even from trying things sometimes. I tackled my fears head on by doing this piece right out of the gate. This moment was years in the making and when I reached the end of that piece I knew I’d be alright. My mindset switched from “I don’t know if I can do this” to “Try not to stumble on your words that much”. I began the 2nd piece with a brief introduction about it being short and silly and how it was “written for someone who I thought was coming tonight but isn’t here.” A guy in the front volunteered to take her place. I allowed it and began. This was the only piece I could do without the benefit of a page in front of me and so I did it that way. When I finished that piece and received a great ovation my nervous energy had turned into adrenaline and a rush that had me higher than I’d been in years!
I went up a second time and did a few more pieces because there weren’t too many readers and although I think my tongue stumbled a little a few times, I felt like it went well. I did a piece on President Obama and how I felt in 2008 the day after he won and another one on my identity crisis growing up that continues to this day.
Everyone said I didn’t look nervous despite my insides rattling something fierce when I was up there. A friend even took video of my performances and I can’t wait to see them. Overall the night went nearly perfect with only the one thing lacking to prevent perfection… the absence of my friend, the unknowing muse.
The night before she invited me out along with 3 other friends. I accepted because I hadn’t seen her in nearly 5 weeks and I missed her greatly. She’s super busy with her job so there have been times where I wouldn’t see her for long stretches but this was probably the longest stretch of not seeing her in the year that I’ve known her.
She picked me up on the way to our destination and I was so happy to see her again. She looked even prettier than the last time I’d seen her. I was in awe. We babbled excitedly all the way down so much so that I forgot to tell her where to turn. We met up with another friend and 4 of us went to a bar to await the 5th.
There were people everywhere and it was pretty loud. We all got drinks and posed for a few pictures. Things seemed okay when a guy arrived who I hadn’t seen before. She went right over to him and greeted him and then led him by the hand to our group to meet everyone. Now things began to click. I knew why I hadn’t seen her in so long. There was a new guy. I wish she had told me he was coming because my insides went spinning rapidly when all of it hit me. All my silly hopes and dreams were crushed. It shocked my system but nothing was more shocked or hurt than my heart. I knew how she felt about me, why did it hurt so much?
Somewhere around the 2nd month we knew each other I mentioned to her that I had developing feelings for her through writing. She quickly pointed out that she didn’t have them for me. It was a hard pill to swallow. We were getting to know each other and with every meeting my feelings for her grew. Sometime during the winter those feelings grew into something I hadn’t felt since the supposed love of my life almost 8 years earlier. I knew she didn’t feel the same but like a fool I hoped that the more she got to know me and more we connected over time, experiences, moments and memories that something would develop. I'm a good guy. We obviously have some sort of connection. I thought that my love for her would somehow create a love for me. I knew the odds weren't in my favor but if there is just the slightest, smallest chance you could find someone to be with you for the rest of your life you take that chance.
Everyone who I talked to seeking advice warned me of this strategy. They told me to move on, stay away from her, forget about her, avoid the inevitable pain, embarrassment and heartache in store for me. It wasn’t a strategy, I mean she was my friend and a close one at that. I cared deeply about her. How do you kick someone like that out of your life? I had shared some amazing and memorable times with her and that’s just in the first year we knew each other. I wondered how do I maintain this great friendship without getting hurt, hurting her or making things too uncomfortable?
My plan was simple, don’t tell her how I feel. Bury it. I hoped one of two things would happen: 1- She’d eventually fall for me and everything would be fine or 2- Enough time would pass where my feelings would fade, I’d meet someone else or I would be able to accept the facts and get over it. Obviously I was pulling for #1 but either would have avoided what would happen on that night. As it turned out, my feelings didn't fade, every woman I met I compared to her and they didn't compare and although deep down I knew the truth, I guess I wanted to believe in some hopelessly romantic way that she'd fall for me. Unfortunately when I saw her flirting with this new guy and being handsy I was filled with so much jealousy, anger, hurt and who knows what else. The level of emotional pain surprised and overwhelmed me. There was this woman I adore who didn’t adore me with another guy having a great time. It was eating me up inside. I remember thinking “I waited over a month to see you so I could see this”. I could feel my eyes getting watery. One of the people in the group asked me if I needed a drink. I accepted and he got me a big margarita. I drank it within 20 seconds and put the glass on the bar.
What was I going to do? I wanted to cry. I wanted to run away. I wanted to drink myself so silly that I wouldn’t remember the moment. I thought of her. I didn’t want to ruin her night or any of our other friends by being an ass. I didn't know what I'd do. Would I say snooty things? Would I just be really quiet while the hurt tore me apart inside? I didn’t want to hurt her so I said goodbye to each person including the new guy and I took off. I thought I was doing the right thing but what I didn’t know was that by leaving I really hurt her feelings. So by trying not to hurt her, I hurt her anyway. The last thing she said to me was that she’d see me the next night for the poetry thing. I think I nodded as I hurried out the door. I wonder now if I would have reacted the same way if I knew he was coming and she told me about him prior to his arrival.
I marched my way home walking a 40 minute walk in 30 minutes fighting back tears. I felt so small. I felt so naïve. I felt so stupid. I didn’t know I’d react how I did but I also thought it was just going to be some old friends hanging out. The new guy surprised me and the bare truth laid out in front of me tore me down to my core. I finally saw and became 100% certain that her and I was not to be. My hopes, dreams and love no matter how foolish were destroyed. I am a passionate, sensitive, prideful, emotional guy who wears his heart on his sleeve and while those things often do me credit, in this instance they did great harm. I wished I could turn off my feelings for her. I asked my heart several times that night why I felt the way I did about her. I'm not sure when it happened but at some point I fell in love with her.
The next day my mind was consumed with my pain, my nerves and my poetry reading, so much so that I didn’t write her to apologize for leaving. She didn’t write or text either. I didn’t know or think she was hurt or anything, just surprised. I never meant to ruin her night. I tried to save it. Of course I was blinded by my pain and I couldn’t see the bigger picture.
I discovered she wasn’t happy with me when she didn’t show. She didn’t even text or call to say she couldn’t make it. Nearly that whole hour I was at the coffeeshop before the reading started I kept looking out the window, hoping my muse would show. I was waiting to see her coming down the sidewalk or crossing the street, filling my heart with joy. I understood she was with some guy now and that my hopes and dreams were gone but I still really wanted to recite her poem to her. As my inspiration, I owed her that.
After I got home feeling as high as can be with a wonderful 1st reading behind me something in the back of my mind was starting to bother me. So I promptly wrote her to apologize and she replied quickly telling me how she felt. I didn’t support her so she didn’t feel like supporting me. Then my great night went in the crapper as the guilt took over and I felt so awful inside for hurting the one person in the world I least wanted to hurt.
I don’t know where things are between us now. Can we still be friends? I hope so but at the same time I can’t change how I feel. You can’t tell someone not to love someone. On the one hand my unresolved feelings have a resolution I wasn't expecting, on the other I've only loved 2 people in my entire life, including her. Love doesn't come easy for anyone, especially me. Yep, I'm an idiot. I hope she can forgive me. If she wants me to stay away, I'll disappear and never bother her ever again. I don't know what to do about it. It's out there now. There's no more hiding my feelings. There just a love unrequited. The feelings are already beginning to fade. Once upon a time very recently I loved this woman... does she even care? Does that mean anything to someone who doesn't feel the same way?
She's the most amazing woman I've ever met. It sounds cliché and corny but she makes me want to be a better person. She makes me want to shoot for the moon and go places I’ve never been. She makes me want to take better care of myself. She makes me want to live life more passionately and courageously. The bottom line is that she makes me very happy and I am so comfortable around her. I definitely want her to be happy but more than anything I just wish it could have been with me. If she had opened her heart to me, I would have loved her like she's never been loved. Without her I feel like an uncompleted poem. I want to finish it. I want to share it. I want to read it to you but without my muse, I don’t have the words.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Swirling (3-9-11)
The mood around work today is one of melancholy. For the last few months our boss’ brother has been battling terminal cancer. To see the mood swings and pain she has gone through have been a stark reminder of my own ordeal when my father passed in a similar way. A lot of memories and emotions have stirred through me. That’s not to mention how things haven’t been all that great the past 5-6 weeks anyway. Sometimes I wish I could turn it off. I feel so deeply about things, about people. I wish I could flip a switch and go numb. I'm sure my boss feels that way too right now.
She left work early yesterday because she received the call that he had taken a turn for the worse and today we find out that he passed this morning. I’m left in charge but I’m not really here. My mind is all over the place right now. If thought were a highway I’d get a ticket for speeding.
I’m glad her brother’s suffering is finally over. What I can say from experience after losing a brother, a father and a sister is that the pain never goes away… at least not for me. Sure it softens over time and maybe we learn to deal with it better but it never goes completely away. That’s how it is with me and emotions.
When I love, I love forever. When I’m hurt, I’m hurt forever. For me emotions fade over time and distance but the imprint remains. I may not be crying about my dad every day like I once did but I’m still very sad about it. As for living people who bring the pain, I’ve forgiven some people who have hurt me but I never forget. Others I’ll never forgive. A lot of people like that are gone from my life and I don’t miss them. Life is too short to be involved with people who hurt you, especially intentionally or through deceptive means… even if they are “sorry”.
I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke not remembering my dreams as usual but with the feeling that I had a ton of crazy ones. In fact, the first 10-15 minutes I was awake today I felt like I was catching my breath from an all night thrill ride of dreams. There’s just so much on my mind that I keep double checking my work because I feel like I’m drifting in and out and forgetting things or steps. After double checking many times I have discovered I have not made any errors but something is telling me to be extra cautious. I am more and less aware than usual.
I’m soaking in all the emotion here at work like a sponge. Coupled with my own it’s like an intoxicating array of depth and feeling that has me a little bit sensitive and twitchy. Words are coming out of my hands like lightning leaving my fingers. The day is half over and my thoughts are racing and my emotions are swirling. What a great night to make my poetry reading debut!
She left work early yesterday because she received the call that he had taken a turn for the worse and today we find out that he passed this morning. I’m left in charge but I’m not really here. My mind is all over the place right now. If thought were a highway I’d get a ticket for speeding.
I’m glad her brother’s suffering is finally over. What I can say from experience after losing a brother, a father and a sister is that the pain never goes away… at least not for me. Sure it softens over time and maybe we learn to deal with it better but it never goes completely away. That’s how it is with me and emotions.
When I love, I love forever. When I’m hurt, I’m hurt forever. For me emotions fade over time and distance but the imprint remains. I may not be crying about my dad every day like I once did but I’m still very sad about it. As for living people who bring the pain, I’ve forgiven some people who have hurt me but I never forget. Others I’ll never forgive. A lot of people like that are gone from my life and I don’t miss them. Life is too short to be involved with people who hurt you, especially intentionally or through deceptive means… even if they are “sorry”.
I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke not remembering my dreams as usual but with the feeling that I had a ton of crazy ones. In fact, the first 10-15 minutes I was awake today I felt like I was catching my breath from an all night thrill ride of dreams. There’s just so much on my mind that I keep double checking my work because I feel like I’m drifting in and out and forgetting things or steps. After double checking many times I have discovered I have not made any errors but something is telling me to be extra cautious. I am more and less aware than usual.
I’m soaking in all the emotion here at work like a sponge. Coupled with my own it’s like an intoxicating array of depth and feeling that has me a little bit sensitive and twitchy. Words are coming out of my hands like lightning leaving my fingers. The day is half over and my thoughts are racing and my emotions are swirling. What a great night to make my poetry reading debut!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Words... some of my poetry
As I am psyching myself up to read poetry in front of strange faces in a familiar place I've been writing many poems. Not all to be read that night mind you, but it's cool to be writing so many lately. Below are 5 pieces I've written. A few are from this week, some from the last year or two. As part of the building courage part, here's me sharing some words with you:
“8 Blocks”
You made the 8 block walk in record form
And couldn’t wait to tell me what was wrong
I thought with time I could help to lift her spirits
But 8 days later she was gone.
While the pain was there I had no idea
She was being burdened by such a heavy load
I never thought the toughest person I knew would give up
There’s no use running when you’re on the wrong road
I remember when she used to think
That it was beautiful whenever I gave too much
She said to me don’t you ever stop giving
You’ll never know all the lives you’ve touched
But now I think of your face in memory
Instead of warming up to the corners of your smile
I’ll never forget the last thing you told me
A life lived for another is what’s really worthwhile
“Drift Away”
New month, new energy, imagination at play
Wondering if it is best to drift away
It’s not going to happen, gave it my best
My mind suspected but my heart never guessed
Syrup tinged gifts and words so sweet
A pride too prideful to admit its defeat
Anything was possible and it would have been given
A sleeping heart awoken and terribly driven
Unexpected but true, heartfelt and real
Blinded by a torch and a hopeful ideal
Couldn’t say no, couldn’t look concerned
Couldn’t say words that would go unreturned
Lying to myself and believing too much
Foolishly wishing this dream could be touched
A simple guy lost in a friendship misread
Should have known from the start I was in over my head
"completED"
caught between two worlds
the gravitational pull of passions
there's no indecision
everything is done on purpose
retreating from time to time
I am what I am
discouraged by the environment
hopeful for no reason
Lost on a familiar path
somewhere between compete and critique
between a snicker and a slap
I've scored too many points to be pointless
I sweat for a few smiles
It’s what I’ve always known
I find joy in what I create
It’s what I’ve had to learn
Consistent surprises
Whether it’s my hands or my feet
Lowered expectations
Or maybe just an afterthought
Tell me I love too much
I reply why don’t you?
It’s hard being everything to everyone
But it’s easy being me
“Finding”
Trying to live for today through yesterday
Painting on all the distractions to cover the cracks
Only to return to a home disguised as a temple
The only thing holy is his heart
To fall is divine but to get up is better
It makes him think that he has maintained control
Misguided enough to believe he has fallen on purpose
Too hard, too much, too deep, too easy, too bad
What are you trying to find around corners?
Trying to be what you think they want you to be
Only to feel terrible about looking in the mirror
In this search you’ve lost track of yourself
You get consumed by the thoughts of a kiss
And the whispers of an angel without wings
The decision has come down from the heavens
You are doing it all wrong
Walking With the Ghost
I used to be the one who hides but now I am the shadows
I used to have so much to say but now I am the whisper
When it all gets flipped around and I'm trying to remember where my feet go down
The gravity of the situation leaves me completely indifferent
I heard a few people say I've brushed with death
I heard a few people tell me that I am lucky
Then why do I feel like I hardly exist anymore except in dreams and memories
I lost a part of me that is gone forever yet I never say never
I saw the people coming and going around me
I saw the way everyone moved right past me
It takes some flukish event to even get the time of day from strangers and friends
I'm invisible when I sneak right past you making noise and making amends
This day is of my own making and so was the day before
This day may be tomorrow too if I don't figure out how to move
I've grown in some areas but maybe not where I need the most
I've grown from being the shadow into being the ghost
“8 Blocks”
You made the 8 block walk in record form
And couldn’t wait to tell me what was wrong
I thought with time I could help to lift her spirits
But 8 days later she was gone.
While the pain was there I had no idea
She was being burdened by such a heavy load
I never thought the toughest person I knew would give up
There’s no use running when you’re on the wrong road
I remember when she used to think
That it was beautiful whenever I gave too much
She said to me don’t you ever stop giving
You’ll never know all the lives you’ve touched
But now I think of your face in memory
Instead of warming up to the corners of your smile
I’ll never forget the last thing you told me
A life lived for another is what’s really worthwhile
“Drift Away”
New month, new energy, imagination at play
Wondering if it is best to drift away
It’s not going to happen, gave it my best
My mind suspected but my heart never guessed
Syrup tinged gifts and words so sweet
A pride too prideful to admit its defeat
Anything was possible and it would have been given
A sleeping heart awoken and terribly driven
Unexpected but true, heartfelt and real
Blinded by a torch and a hopeful ideal
Couldn’t say no, couldn’t look concerned
Couldn’t say words that would go unreturned
Lying to myself and believing too much
Foolishly wishing this dream could be touched
A simple guy lost in a friendship misread
Should have known from the start I was in over my head
"completED"
caught between two worlds
the gravitational pull of passions
there's no indecision
everything is done on purpose
retreating from time to time
I am what I am
discouraged by the environment
hopeful for no reason
Lost on a familiar path
somewhere between compete and critique
between a snicker and a slap
I've scored too many points to be pointless
I sweat for a few smiles
It’s what I’ve always known
I find joy in what I create
It’s what I’ve had to learn
Consistent surprises
Whether it’s my hands or my feet
Lowered expectations
Or maybe just an afterthought
Tell me I love too much
I reply why don’t you?
It’s hard being everything to everyone
But it’s easy being me
“Finding”
Trying to live for today through yesterday
Painting on all the distractions to cover the cracks
Only to return to a home disguised as a temple
The only thing holy is his heart
To fall is divine but to get up is better
It makes him think that he has maintained control
Misguided enough to believe he has fallen on purpose
Too hard, too much, too deep, too easy, too bad
What are you trying to find around corners?
Trying to be what you think they want you to be
Only to feel terrible about looking in the mirror
In this search you’ve lost track of yourself
You get consumed by the thoughts of a kiss
And the whispers of an angel without wings
The decision has come down from the heavens
You are doing it all wrong
Walking With the Ghost
I used to be the one who hides but now I am the shadows
I used to have so much to say but now I am the whisper
When it all gets flipped around and I'm trying to remember where my feet go down
The gravity of the situation leaves me completely indifferent
I heard a few people say I've brushed with death
I heard a few people tell me that I am lucky
Then why do I feel like I hardly exist anymore except in dreams and memories
I lost a part of me that is gone forever yet I never say never
I saw the people coming and going around me
I saw the way everyone moved right past me
It takes some flukish event to even get the time of day from strangers and friends
I'm invisible when I sneak right past you making noise and making amends
This day is of my own making and so was the day before
This day may be tomorrow too if I don't figure out how to move
I've grown in some areas but maybe not where I need the most
I've grown from being the shadow into being the ghost
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