Swirling (3-9-11)

The mood around work today is one of melancholy. For the last few months our boss’ brother has been battling terminal cancer. To see the mood swings and pain she has gone through have been a stark reminder of my own ordeal when my father passed in a similar way. A lot of memories and emotions have stirred through me. That’s not to mention how things haven’t been all that great the past 5-6 weeks anyway. Sometimes I wish I could turn it off. I feel so deeply about things, about people. I wish I could flip a switch and go numb. I'm sure my boss feels that way too right now.

She left work early yesterday because she received the call that he had taken a turn for the worse and today we find out that he passed this morning. I’m left in charge but I’m not really here. My mind is all over the place right now. If thought were a highway I’d get a ticket for speeding.

I’m glad her brother’s suffering is finally over. What I can say from experience after losing a brother, a father and a sister is that the pain never goes away… at least not for me. Sure it softens over time and maybe we learn to deal with it better but it never goes completely away. That’s how it is with me and emotions.

When I love, I love forever. When I’m hurt, I’m hurt forever. For me emotions fade over time and distance but the imprint remains. I may not be crying about my dad every day like I once did but I’m still very sad about it. As for living people who bring the pain, I’ve forgiven some people who have hurt me but I never forget. Others I’ll never forgive. A lot of people like that are gone from my life and I don’t miss them. Life is too short to be involved with people who hurt you, especially intentionally or through deceptive means… even if they are “sorry”.

I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke not remembering my dreams as usual but with the feeling that I had a ton of crazy ones. In fact, the first 10-15 minutes I was awake today I felt like I was catching my breath from an all night thrill ride of dreams. There’s just so much on my mind that I keep double checking my work because I feel like I’m drifting in and out and forgetting things or steps. After double checking many times I have discovered I have not made any errors but something is telling me to be extra cautious. I am more and less aware than usual.

I’m soaking in all the emotion here at work like a sponge. Coupled with my own it’s like an intoxicating array of depth and feeling that has me a little bit sensitive and twitchy. Words are coming out of my hands like lightning leaving my fingers. The day is half over and my thoughts are racing and my emotions are swirling. What a great night to make my poetry reading debut!