Here I am the day after my first ever poetry reading. I have mixed feelings. I read 5 pieces in all and the experience was phenomenal but there was one thing missing… my friend. I wrote a poem for her and she hadn’t seen or heard it yet and I was going to perform it for her. Even though I recently wrote it, I learned it down cold so I could recite it without paper. She didn’t show. She didn’t show because I hurt her the night before. I didn’t support her so she didn’t support me. I’ll get back to this later.
For many years I wanted to read poetry in front of a crowd. It seemed like every time I was ready to do it something happened like the poetry series I was going to try closed down or the person who ran a different series moved to another state. I began to wonder if these were signs that it wouldn’t happen. Did I miss my chance? The major regular poetry reading events were gone and I heard only rumors or bits about other little ones around town. I packed away the pieces I wrote and kinda forgot about poetry for a while.
A little over a year later I met someone who moved me so much that I started to write again. She was extraordinary, so much so that I felt inspiration finally return. She was my muse although she didn’t know it. I started to write about her and then I started to write about other things. My poetry sabbatical had ended. Now I had all these poems and I wanted to share them with her, with you, with everyone but how?
Several more months passed and I was still writing poetry every now and then because she and other things kept inspiring me. A few weeks ago a friend of mine mentioned that they were going to start poetry readings at Caffe Aroma. This was it! This was my chance to get in front of that mic after all this time and fulfill a dream. This was my chance to share with my inspiration a piece that was written just for her. I committed to going even though at the time it was still a few weeks away.
As the days closed to poetry day I wrote a few new pieces. I wrote one about fear that I was going to read first. I wrote a new one for my friend. I mentioned that I wrote one for her when she asked about an older one I wrote for her and she wanted me to email it to her. I declined although she almost convinced me to do it. I wanted her to hear it from me. I wanted to see the look on her face. I stuck to my guns.
I arrived almost an hour before the scheduled start time. It was raining steadily all evening. I wondered if this would affect the turnout. On the facebook page for the event 12 people said they’d be there and 1 was the host so I thought there would be around 10 poets. I liked this open mic poetry thing a lot because it was their first one so it would be small, a friend was hosting it, it was at a place I’m very comfortable in and I knew a few friends were going to be there to support me. This was the right place and time to break my poetry reading cherry.
As it turned out there were only 4 actual readers and that was including me. I had more friends there than that (5)! The place wasn’t full but it was definitely more than half full. The first reader went, an 84 year old poetry pro. His pieces were thought provoking and I tried to listen as much as I could but I knew I was next and my nerves were on crack. I felt so twitchy. I keep telling myself 2 things. The first was to take a nice deep breath when I felt extra tense. The second was that I kept reminding myself to enjoy it. This was my first time. I couldn’t do it for the first time after this. Enjoy it Ed, this is your moment. When the first reader finished he called me up and I grabbed my stack of words and walked up there.
There was a nice tall chair set up next to the mic so I sat down and I think the chair really helped. I was beyond nervous. I took a quick look at my friends and then I started the first piece “Fear”. The piece talks about how my fears keep me from doing things, even from trying things sometimes. I tackled my fears head on by doing this piece right out of the gate. This moment was years in the making and when I reached the end of that piece I knew I’d be alright. My mindset switched from “I don’t know if I can do this” to “Try not to stumble on your words that much”. I began the 2nd piece with a brief introduction about it being short and silly and how it was “written for someone who I thought was coming tonight but isn’t here.” A guy in the front volunteered to take her place. I allowed it and began. This was the only piece I could do without the benefit of a page in front of me and so I did it that way. When I finished that piece and received a great ovation my nervous energy had turned into adrenaline and a rush that had me higher than I’d been in years!
I went up a second time and did a few more pieces because there weren’t too many readers and although I think my tongue stumbled a little a few times, I felt like it went well. I did a piece on President Obama and how I felt in 2008 the day after he won and another one on my identity crisis growing up that continues to this day.
Everyone said I didn’t look nervous despite my insides rattling something fierce when I was up there. A friend even took video of my performances and I can’t wait to see them. Overall the night went nearly perfect with only the one thing lacking to prevent perfection… the absence of my friend, the unknowing muse.
The night before she invited me out along with 3 other friends. I accepted because I hadn’t seen her in nearly 5 weeks and I missed her greatly. She’s super busy with her job so there have been times where I wouldn’t see her for long stretches but this was probably the longest stretch of not seeing her in the year that I’ve known her.
She picked me up on the way to our destination and I was so happy to see her again. She looked even prettier than the last time I’d seen her. I was in awe. We babbled excitedly all the way down so much so that I forgot to tell her where to turn. We met up with another friend and 4 of us went to a bar to await the 5th.
There were people everywhere and it was pretty loud. We all got drinks and posed for a few pictures. Things seemed okay when a guy arrived who I hadn’t seen before. She went right over to him and greeted him and then led him by the hand to our group to meet everyone. Now things began to click. I knew why I hadn’t seen her in so long. There was a new guy. I wish she had told me he was coming because my insides went spinning rapidly when all of it hit me. All my silly hopes and dreams were crushed. It shocked my system but nothing was more shocked or hurt than my heart. I knew how she felt about me, why did it hurt so much?
Somewhere around the 2nd month we knew each other I mentioned to her that I had developing feelings for her through writing. She quickly pointed out that she didn’t have them for me. It was a hard pill to swallow. We were getting to know each other and with every meeting my feelings for her grew. Sometime during the winter those feelings grew into something I hadn’t felt since the supposed love of my life almost 8 years earlier. I knew she didn’t feel the same but like a fool I hoped that the more she got to know me and more we connected over time, experiences, moments and memories that something would develop. I'm a good guy. We obviously have some sort of connection. I thought that my love for her would somehow create a love for me. I knew the odds weren't in my favor but if there is just the slightest, smallest chance you could find someone to be with you for the rest of your life you take that chance.
Everyone who I talked to seeking advice warned me of this strategy. They told me to move on, stay away from her, forget about her, avoid the inevitable pain, embarrassment and heartache in store for me. It wasn’t a strategy, I mean she was my friend and a close one at that. I cared deeply about her. How do you kick someone like that out of your life? I had shared some amazing and memorable times with her and that’s just in the first year we knew each other. I wondered how do I maintain this great friendship without getting hurt, hurting her or making things too uncomfortable?
My plan was simple, don’t tell her how I feel. Bury it. I hoped one of two things would happen: 1- She’d eventually fall for me and everything would be fine or 2- Enough time would pass where my feelings would fade, I’d meet someone else or I would be able to accept the facts and get over it. Obviously I was pulling for #1 but either would have avoided what would happen on that night. As it turned out, my feelings didn't fade, every woman I met I compared to her and they didn't compare and although deep down I knew the truth, I guess I wanted to believe in some hopelessly romantic way that she'd fall for me. Unfortunately when I saw her flirting with this new guy and being handsy I was filled with so much jealousy, anger, hurt and who knows what else. The level of emotional pain surprised and overwhelmed me. There was this woman I adore who didn’t adore me with another guy having a great time. It was eating me up inside. I remember thinking “I waited over a month to see you so I could see this”. I could feel my eyes getting watery. One of the people in the group asked me if I needed a drink. I accepted and he got me a big margarita. I drank it within 20 seconds and put the glass on the bar.
What was I going to do? I wanted to cry. I wanted to run away. I wanted to drink myself so silly that I wouldn’t remember the moment. I thought of her. I didn’t want to ruin her night or any of our other friends by being an ass. I didn't know what I'd do. Would I say snooty things? Would I just be really quiet while the hurt tore me apart inside? I didn’t want to hurt her so I said goodbye to each person including the new guy and I took off. I thought I was doing the right thing but what I didn’t know was that by leaving I really hurt her feelings. So by trying not to hurt her, I hurt her anyway. The last thing she said to me was that she’d see me the next night for the poetry thing. I think I nodded as I hurried out the door. I wonder now if I would have reacted the same way if I knew he was coming and she told me about him prior to his arrival.
I marched my way home walking a 40 minute walk in 30 minutes fighting back tears. I felt so small. I felt so naïve. I felt so stupid. I didn’t know I’d react how I did but I also thought it was just going to be some old friends hanging out. The new guy surprised me and the bare truth laid out in front of me tore me down to my core. I finally saw and became 100% certain that her and I was not to be. My hopes, dreams and love no matter how foolish were destroyed. I am a passionate, sensitive, prideful, emotional guy who wears his heart on his sleeve and while those things often do me credit, in this instance they did great harm. I wished I could turn off my feelings for her. I asked my heart several times that night why I felt the way I did about her. I'm not sure when it happened but at some point I fell in love with her.
The next day my mind was consumed with my pain, my nerves and my poetry reading, so much so that I didn’t write her to apologize for leaving. She didn’t write or text either. I didn’t know or think she was hurt or anything, just surprised. I never meant to ruin her night. I tried to save it. Of course I was blinded by my pain and I couldn’t see the bigger picture.
I discovered she wasn’t happy with me when she didn’t show. She didn’t even text or call to say she couldn’t make it. Nearly that whole hour I was at the coffeeshop before the reading started I kept looking out the window, hoping my muse would show. I was waiting to see her coming down the sidewalk or crossing the street, filling my heart with joy. I understood she was with some guy now and that my hopes and dreams were gone but I still really wanted to recite her poem to her. As my inspiration, I owed her that.
After I got home feeling as high as can be with a wonderful 1st reading behind me something in the back of my mind was starting to bother me. So I promptly wrote her to apologize and she replied quickly telling me how she felt. I didn’t support her so she didn’t feel like supporting me. Then my great night went in the crapper as the guilt took over and I felt so awful inside for hurting the one person in the world I least wanted to hurt.
I don’t know where things are between us now. Can we still be friends? I hope so but at the same time I can’t change how I feel. You can’t tell someone not to love someone. On the one hand my unresolved feelings have a resolution I wasn't expecting, on the other I've only loved 2 people in my entire life, including her. Love doesn't come easy for anyone, especially me. Yep, I'm an idiot. I hope she can forgive me. If she wants me to stay away, I'll disappear and never bother her ever again. I don't know what to do about it. It's out there now. There's no more hiding my feelings. There just a love unrequited. The feelings are already beginning to fade. Once upon a time very recently I loved this woman... does she even care? Does that mean anything to someone who doesn't feel the same way?
She's the most amazing woman I've ever met. It sounds cliché and corny but she makes me want to be a better person. She makes me want to shoot for the moon and go places I’ve never been. She makes me want to take better care of myself. She makes me want to live life more passionately and courageously. The bottom line is that she makes me very happy and I am so comfortable around her. I definitely want her to be happy but more than anything I just wish it could have been with me. If she had opened her heart to me, I would have loved her like she's never been loved. Without her I feel like an uncompleted poem. I want to finish it. I want to share it. I want to read it to you but without my muse, I don’t have the words.
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