I was going to post a blog the day after Christmas called
“living or dying”. It was about my weight gain and how it’s affected me the
last few months, the feelings it has generated and the limitations and
handicaps I’ve put on myself. It was about how I need to make real, hard
choices and how I need to make them soon. I was going to post that blog but after proofreading it I thought it was too much of a bummer to post and that I'd feel better or differently within a day or two. Unfortunately I don't.
Tonight I was going to read at Caffe Aroma’s open mic poetry
night. I was there later than I wanted to be but when I arrived it was around
8:40, about twenty minutes before it was supposed to start. I walked in and
looked around. The first thing I always do when I go into a coffee shop is look
around for where I will try to sit. As I stood in line my eyes scanned the
entire place. There wasn’t anywhere to sit. I mean, there were a few open chairs,
but they were open chairs at tables where couples sat, or in very tight places
in between two other people. Therein lies the problem. I don’t want to try to
do tight spaces. In fact, these days I almost don’t want to leave the house. I
stood and scanned back and forth trying to figure out a way. While I scanned I
also noticed there were no familiar faces. I mean, there were people there I’ve
seen before but no friends. I started thinking about whether I really wanted to
read tonight. Ten seconds later I was back on Elmwood Avenue heading home.
I’ve been riding the delicate balance of joy and sadness
lately and it seems sadness is winning most of the time. Why? Because no matter
what fun I have, no matter what wonderful things I do I always return to the
mirror. The mirror doesn’t lie. When I look into the mirror these days I hate
what I see. I’m not very good to myself because of that hatred. I pondered why
I hate myself so much and why I treat myself so poorly. I hate myself because I
am fat. It’s that simple.
Why am I fat? My life is full of catches and excuses. I care about myself most when someone cares for me but no one will come into my life and care for me until I take the time to care about myself. In addition I hate myself because I am fat but eating is one of the few things I like to do (and can do) and probably the only thing I look forward to daily. Basically, I’m single and lonely because I’m fat and I’m fat because I’m single and lonely. I think that just about covers it.
Part of the reason I walked out of Caffe Aroma tonight is
because I kinda didn’t want to be there in the first place. When I saw how full
it was and with no friends there yet I guess I used that to finish
rationalizing why I wouldn’t perform that night. The deep truth is I don’t want
anyone to see me. I don’t want anyone to see me like this and to continue being
frank, it’s hard for me to go anywhere or do anything anymore unless someone is
with me. When I am with a friend or two or ten I feel stronger, more confident.
Perhaps this is where the phrase “strength in numbers” comes from. When I am
alone, I constantly want to hide. I’m so lonely but I don’t want anyone to see
me… how do I reconcile this?
The simple fact of the matter is I feel so disgusting that I couldn’t bear to have anyone look at me up there reading tonight. While I want the open mic to grow and there to continue to be many poets and poetry fans in attendance, tonight I was hoping hardly anyone would be there. I love to read but I hate to be seen. That might have a lot to do with why I’ve always been drawn to the non-visual mediums of radio and writing. Tonight I was afraid of people looking at me, afraid of chairs creaking when I sit in them, afraid of having a little more hobble in my walk than I used to and afraid of what people might be thinking about me. I used to think I had serious social anxieties but I’ve learned that these social anxieties I think I have are all in my head, or better yet all in my belly.
Nowadays I look forward to very little. The only thing I
feel like I can consistently get excited about each day is lunch or dinner. But
this is me at my weakest. I feel like this is a major point in my life. I almost
feel like this is a choice between living and dying. Do I want to continue to
live like this? It’s almost like I’m slowly killing myself and that’s not
something I want. I think I want to do the right thing. I think I want to feel
better about myself and my appearance but then why do I keep eating myself into
complete seclusion and ill health?
I’ve always been a little chubby but there’s a difference
between that and not being able to walk a block without being semi-out of
breath and having my back ache. I had a 3-day Christmas weekend and outside of
a pleasant breakfast with my good friends Christmas morning it was one of the
worst Christmases ever. Those 3 days for the vast majority of them I’d never
felt so alone and far away and it’s going to continue to get worse unless I do
something about it.
On New Year’s Eve I had such a great time with my friends. It was one of the best New Year’s I’ve ever had. It was probably the best day I’ve had in a month. It was so nice to finally feel good for a change but it lasted only until the next day. That’s when I started to see pictures from the night before and I was face to face with this enormous guy. It was me. While the mirror doesn’t lie it doesn’t always show you the full picture. In the photos I could see myself head to toe and all I kept thinking was how could I let myself get so far out of control? I’m so embarrassed and ashamed. At the same time, I needed to see those photos, despite the short term sadness because just maybe it’s the wake up call I need. Maybe when I feel the need to overeat or have something terrible for me I should look at those pictures. Perhaps the long term benefits are worth the short term pain. Perhaps by the summer when my urges to go out and do things increase I won’t flake out or be afraid to do things. Maybe I won’t have to worry about being “too fat” to go out. Some people are too broke. Others are too tired or too busy to do things. Here I am essentially too fat to live my life to the fullest. This has to change or I might as well start writing my obituary. I know that’s a strong thing to say but all I’m doing is living unhealthy and slowly bringing about my demise. I enjoy life too much for that. There’s still way too much hope inside me to give up. There still an abundance of love I have to share. My story is not done yet but maybe this is the pivotal chapter where things start to change.
I’ve never been comfortable in my own skin. It almost doesn’t seem fair. When I was thin and in great shape I didn’t know who I was or what exactly I wanted. It was like I was great on the outside and undercooked on the inside. All these years later when I better know who I am and have confidence in my abilities I feel like my physical insecurities hold me back like I’m fine on the inside but messed up on the outside. When will I ever have balance? I know it’s on me to make it, to find it, but it’s so hard. For all the ups and downs, falls, triumphs, wrong turns and accomplishments it’s so hard to be on this ride alone. In those moments of weakness I don’t have someone to hold me, to look me in the eyes and recharge my resolve without even saying a word because I know they are there for me. Sometimes I guess I feel like living for myself isn’t enough. I wish I had someone dear to me to live for, to inspire me, to give me strength. I know if I were with someone who loved me I would be in far better shape emotionally and physically. It would also be nice to have someone who loved me since I don’t always love myself. I mean, I could say that I do but my actions show otherwise.
I think I should stop here because I do feel better getting this out and I don’t want to be too redundant. I’m sorry I didn’t stay at Aroma to read tonight but I am compelled to do things like flee when my emotions get the better of me. I don’t know what the future holds. I know where I have to go. I know what I have to do. I know it will be hard. I don’t know if I can do it but I feel like I have no choice. Wish me luck.
