The power of the dark side (12-28-16)

I could have been seriously hurt or worse today. This morning, I came downstairs to go to work. I went to the bike rack in front of the house and my bike wasn't the only one locked up. There was the yellow mongoose that I hadn't seen for weeks locked up on the other side of the rack. When I first moved into my apartment about 2 months ago, that yellow mongoose was locked up to the rack all the time, every night. I assumed it was someone who lived in my building. A few weeks ago it disappeared. I figured the person who owned it brought it inside due to the weather, same as I did a few weeks ago. When the weather improved at the end of last week and the snow started to melt away, I brought my bike out again and have been using it pretty much since Friday.

So I unlocked my bike but before I got on it to ride off I noticed something. The quick release handle to lock the back tire in place was open. I took a closer look and someone had nearly completely loosened my back tire. I say nearly because if they had loosened it completely the nuts and bolts would have fallen out/off. Also the back tire wasn’t in the fork on one side. Intense anger started coursing through me, someone sabotaged my bike! Were they hoping I would have just gotten on, tried to pedal and do a brutal faceplant? I was fortunate I noticed it was tampered with. Once I re-aligned the back tire and tightened it, I begin my ride to work. I was seething. If only I had caught the person doing it. I would have beat them to an inch of their life. How dare they!

I got about a half block down, barely able to focus on what I was doing when I looked down and my mouth hung open. The handle on my front tire was open and that tire was loosened too! And I’ve been riding for a half block on it! I stopped immediately. In my anger I wasn’t thinking clearly enough to check other parts of the bike before departing. Thankfully I hadn’t made and turns or sudden movements. I was just coasting that half block. Again, the tire was loosened but not all the way where the nuts would have fallen off. The person who did this knew something about bikes. I tightened the front tire, checked everything else on the bike and then finally made my way into work.

Although at first I thought it might have been one of the drunk people coming out of the bar next to my building late last night, the precision in which this was done makes me think the person who did this knows their way around a bike. They knew just how to sabotage it to make it less noticeable. They had a working knowledge of quick release bike tires. The anger had me throbbing. I would never do that to someone else, why would someone do that to me? Because my bike was there? Truth is… they wanted me to crash. They wanted me to get hurt. Now I BADLY want to know who did it.

I’m a loving person. There is a lot of light within me but much like the course of a day, there is also night. I have a dark side. I do my best to hide it, to suppress it, to keep the nights short but external forces pull it out from time to time. I am afraid of it. I’m afraid one day it will get completely loose. There is so much rage and anger inside of me for all those times I let people get away with rotten things. For all those times I had every right to be upset but I fought back the urge to lash out, explode, seek revenge or retribution and took the high road. It’s all stored within me. I’ve never forgotten a person who wronged me or whose injustice was never answered for. People say; you have to learn to let it go. If it were only that easy. Tell Batman to let it go. Tell an elephant to let it go. I remember emotion easier than anything else. I’ve been thinking about this, stewing about this all day. Why would someone want to sabotage my bike? If someone did this to another person’s car, it would be a felony wouldn’t it? Attempted assault! Who would have a motive to hurt me?

I’ve barely spoken to the people in my building and the nearby ones. As usual, I’m not friendly but I am nice. I’ve held doors for people; I’ve helped carry things for others. I’ve even redistributed the mail and given people theirs when the post office mixes it up. I don’t know and haven’t seen everyone in my building, just the 2 neighbors closest to me on my side of it. On the other side of the building are 3 more apartments, including apartment number 10. In case you didn’t read my post the other day, I had a problem with some neighbors blasting music that was almost at nightclub-like levels. I left an anonymous note outside their door mentioning how I thought the music was really loud and asked them to “please consider your neighbors”. I hand wrote the note and didn’t think anything of it. But outside of my apartment door I have something written on it. It didn’t occur to me until a few minutes ago that the handwriting would obviously match and I wrote both in cursive and both with the same black sharpie. If someone was wondering which neighbor wrote the note, it’s probably not a tough thing to figure out. So that makes me wonder, was this payback for the note? That’s kind of thin but I can’t think of anyone else who would want to sabotage my bike. I’ve never seen who lives in apartment 10 nor do I know who owns the yellow mongoose bike outside locked up next to mine. Is it a coincidence that someone with bike knowledge disabled my bike when a bike I hadn’t seen for a long time reappeared next to mine? Maybe it was a drunk from the bar. That, in fact might be the best case scenario. If someone who lives in my building is so petty that they tried to take me out like that, I don’t think I’ll be in that apartment too long.

I was going to bring my bike into the apartment tonight anyway because some snow is supposed to return tomorrow but man I can’t stop thinking about it. This isn’t good for my high blood pressure. This isn’t good to keep my darkness at bay. This just isn’t good. Most likely this person will get away with it and all I can do or say is feel fortunate that I caught everything before I crashed in traffic and was hurt or even killed. The world is a fucked up place. People seem worse than ever, at least in my lifetime. I try to keep my head down, never bother anyone, never hurt a soul, help when I can but I cannot expect the same from everyone else. I cannot expect people to treat me as I would treat them. I cannot reconcile this anger that is brewing… and my patience is running out.   

Lost souls can come home… (11-17-16)

I get caught up. It happens to me all the time. I get caught up in my own little world. I get caught up in the fun. I get caught up in the pain. Emotions can speak louder than words to me. Sometimes all I hear is the anger and not the words that provide the context. I hear the joy and not necessarily the reasons for it. I can’t help it. I’m often the last person to agree to go to the party and then if it’s good, I’m the last one to want to leave. My inner child hugs my heart. It’s always close by. When my “gold” comes out I’m transformed into the most loving, caring, sensitive soul. My analytical, introverted side wants to be left alone while that other part of me just wants to give love, embrace love and connect. For the past 2 plus weeks since I’ve been at my new apartment I’d say the sour puss side of me has been in control… more thinking than feeling. It was a little unusual but it was out of necessity really, I had to move; I had to do a lot of adulting in the past few weeks. There wasn’t any time to be sitting around feeling things. Stuff had to be done. So I did it. I somewhat closed off my fun, feeling side and went to work. I say somewhat because I find it’s impossible to completely close off one side or the other. When the youthful exuberance overcomes me, the frosted side if you will, the dry side is still there, still talking, still offering warnings, advice,  trying to be responsible and realistic, it’s just that the fun side is drowning it all out. I choose not to listen to what’s playing in the background when the music in the foreground is so sweet. Conversely when I’m being businesslike and structured I can hear the other side telling me to have fun, enjoy things and dream. It’s my belief that you can’t be one way or the other ALL the time. You just can’t.

My whole life I’ve been trying to reconcile the two… trying to find that balance consistently. Sometimes I can achieve it and it’s wonderful but often external factors cause the balance the shift. Okay, I realize that it’s not really external factors, it’s me. It’s how I react to the external factors that throw it off but you get what I’m saying. Something happens that I did not predict… something beyond my control that causes a chain of events to follow. On occasion it works out. Sometimes I have to do damage control or change plans on the fly to help make things okay. There have been instances where the stress and damage is too much and it costs me. I find that when I have that balance between the dry side and frosted side, it’s easier to tackle unforeseen events and problem solve. When the 2 sides of me are working together, we can get a lot done and we can handle the unexpected. When they’re not in sync, life gets harder and something is often missing.

Now I don’t know if it’s like this for you but when one part of me is running the show for extended periods the other part of me is still running in the background, like that app that’s still running on your cell phone and eating up battery when your phone isn’t technically on.  You don’t realize it’s running until you look at your phone later that day and see the battery is really low and you’ve barely used your phone! This is pretty much how I feel right now. While I was taking care of important business I wasn’t completely acknowledging the emotions that have accompanied everything the last few weeks.

“I ain’t got time to bleed” – Jesse Ventura, in the movie Predator (1987)

Well, now that all the important stuff is done (finding a place, agreeing on terms, packing, finding moving help, moving, changing addresses, unpacking and organizing) I do have time. And what I discovered last night and this morning when I started to listen to the emotional side of me was that I was really depressed. I had no idea but all the symptoms were there, weight gain, not wanting to be around anyone, excess fatigue and a feeling of loss. What I discovered during idle moments over the last 24 hours is that I still have a lot of adjusting to do. Now I’m bummed because of all the political stuff going back to last week and hey, maybe you are as well but there’s more to it than that. For the last 4+ years I’ve lived with another human and a few cats. Now I live completely alone. My human roommate and I, we didn’t hang out all the time or do loads of things together but I do miss her presence. It’s comforting to have another human that you trust and do not dislike nearby. There would be days where we wouldn’t chat at all but you really do get used to that other presence. Then of course there’s Bailey and Lana, my two former cat roommates. I miss them tons. They were such good friends to me and I tried to be as good a friend to them. Not a day would go by where I wouldn’t sit with one or both of them and have a casual conversation with them. As you may have guessed, I did most of the talking but Bailey would occasionally chime in with varying meows. During the time I lived with them, they were always there for me, something that I did not take for granted then nor do I now. But that doesn’t mean I’m not hurting a bit without their presence.

It seems silly to me a little that I still think about them quite a bit even though they are now about 3 weeks out of my life and 2 hours away. But I sit around and think about how they are, wishing I could give them scratches and hear them purr a little. I always enjoyed them and other than at sleepytime, I tried to never ignore or deny them attention or love. Now I know what you are thinking, why don’t you just get your own cat? If only it were that easy. I’m afraid finances are an issue there and I would never get a cat or dog with iffy finances. I don’t think that would be fair to them. I take the concept of adopting an animal incredibly seriously. Besides that, I’m not ready. If I got a cat tomorrow I wouldn’t be able to help comparing it to the 2 wonderful friends I’ve parted ways with that I had built a 50 month relationship with. That wouldn’t be fair to the new cat either.

Hopefully, somewhere down the road things will be different and I can adopt one but for now all I can do is be honest with myself and accept how I’m feeling. I feel lonely. I feel loss. I feel sad. Being so busy and having so many things to do helped to hide it for a while but man if you don’t acknowledge what you’re feeling, especially when it’s strong, it will find you and whoop you. This is always true for me, especially being so sensitive and feeling, but maybe it’s true for you too. Don’t deny your feelings. They’ll always find their way back, even if you are lost. And it doesn’t matter if you are the most lost soul in the world. Lost souls can still find themselves. Lost souls can come home. This lost soul is going back to an empty home with a heart full of love so eventually I’ll be okay but in the short term…

"Fight on, my men

I am hurt, but I am not slain;

I'll lay me down and bleed a while,

And then I'll rise and fight again."  -Sir Andrew Barton

Heartbreaker/Heartbroken (8-28-16)

“I find you fascinating.” The words echoed in my brain for days after Sophie left. No one had ever told me I was fascinating let alone someone I had just met. I found her inspiring. She was the kind of person you read about or the kind they make independent films about. She was brave and sharp. She had so much going for her yet she was still thoughtful and kind. She didn’t have to be. Honestly no one has to be, but when you were as captivating as Sophie with a presence that causes double takes and attracts many a man’s attention, one would forgive such failings. Actually, Sophie didn’t have any failings, at least none I could see in the short time I knew her. In fact, she had an aura about her… one that conveyed peace and love in a charming and realistic way. I’ve met some people who conveyed a message of peace and love before but they would lose me in new age rhetoric and spiritual speak that’s beyond my grasp. Now, this is not a critique of those people, it’s just more difficult to relate to and communicate with people who are speaking a somewhat different language. This brings me back to Sophie. She told me the best way she knew to understand people was through “patience and love”. Patience for those times when the timing isn’t right or when the words and gestures are not quite understood and love for every occasion so that no matter what the result, you’ll have no regrets. I was a few years older than Sophie but her soul seemed twice my age. She was wise. She was lovely. She was funny. It’s really too bad I never got her last name.

I was on a train to Chicago. She was getting off in Cleveland. Our paths crossed between Erie, PA and Lebron’s house. That’s when curiosity got the better of me. It was my first time on a train and I began to wonder if my train was like those trains in the movies… what cool stuff and adventures might I find? I got up and began to wander around the train, exploring and slowly taking it all in as I often do. I met Sophie near the bathroom. I wasn’t actually going to the bathroom; I just wanted to make sure I knew where it was and how it looked inside. It doesn’t hurt to know your assets and liabilities when you are on a 12 hour ride. After inspecting the facilities I heard a voice ask me a question from a nearby seat. “First time on a train?” It came from this beautiful dark haired woman with a winning smile who had this incredible sparkle in her eyes. I stopped dead in my tracks. I just looked at her, stunned for a moment before I could muster a reply. Just as I was finally about to answer she added; “You’re looking around with the eyes of a child.” I smiled. “Is it that obvious?” She smiled back. “No, it’s wonderful. Most adults do not maintain the sense of wonder and appreciation a child does. That’s a beautifully rare thing. ” Usually when I meet people I’m very nervous. My introverted and anxious nature makes me seem awkward and slow to respond as I’m trying to get a read on the person, process what is happening, especially in the awe-inspiring presence of an attractive woman. Those are usually the most difficult conversations for me to have. I usually sound like a bumbling, rambling nerd in such scenarios but Sophie provided me a level of comfort I wasn’t used to. She was sitting with an empty seat and asked me to join her. I went to the front of the car, grabbed my backpack and hurried back. I wanted to run back as fast as I could but of course, I wanted to be cool. It felt like a sitcom moment where I exaggerated my walk so that I could rush but still seem a little extra suave. I probably ended up looking rather foolish. I think Sophie saw right through me but appreciated the effort… for the humor of it.

We exchanged first names and small talk but within 5 minutes we were having the kind of deep conversation I would need to know someone for years to have. I don’t even remember how we got there. We discussed philosophy, emotions, motivations and behavior like 2 people who knew each other intimately. It was scary yet so exciting at the same time. If I had stopped to think about the depths of it all as we spoke, I might have been compelled to pull back but we kept going, kept digging for almost an hour. She was amazing. The kind of person I would dream about. Was she real? That hour passed by so quickly and upon our arrival in Cleveland she quickly apologized for having to leave, grabbed her backpack, gave me a heartfelt hug and flashed her magnetic smile as she walked out of my life. We had only exchanged first names, nothing more. The last thing she said to me after apologizing for having to leave so abruptly was that she really enjoyed our conversation... “Thank you Eddie. That might have been the most sincere conversation I’ve had in years! I really hope you can mend your broken heart someday. I know you will.“ I wished her luck with her own problem she was having that necessitated her trip to Cleveland. I think we really helped each other that day, both in lending an ear to someone who was going through something significant, and offering compassionate and non-judgmental feedback. It was a perfect moment in time. One I’ve never forgotten.

Sophie had this theory about me. She asked me about my childhood and teen years growing up. She asked me about my relationships with my parents, with close friends, girlfriends etc. She came to a conclusion that floored me. She told me I’ve had a broken heart ever since I was little. She thought that I never received the love I gave out and expected to receive in return and my heart stayed broken because the relationships I had did not truly satisfy me.  She spoke of my underlying sadness. She said it’s there even when I’m happy; it’s just there in the background. How did she know? She suggested I was perpetually broken hearted, always looking for someone to help me repair it but never able to find the right person, that I was basically waiting for someone to save me. She told me I was living my own fairy tale. When she said all of this, I thought she it was a bit too much but the more we talked about it the more I was willing to entertain her theory. Sophie was a sweet person; she had no reason to bullshit me, no motivation to hurt me. She was the kind of person who always seemed to want to help others… my favorite kind of person. She was just sharing her observations with me. Maybe I do have this perpetual broken heart. Maybe I am waiting for someone to come and save me. I keep thinking about the last thing she said to me, “I really hope YOU can mend your broken heart someday. I know YOU will.” Sophie thought the answer to my lifelong broken heartedness was to fix it myself. That would explain why I haven’t found anyone who could do it. She also thought I would get there myself someday. Looking back, I wish she had stayed on to Indiana because then maybe she could have told me how to accomplish this feat but perhaps that would have defeated the purpose. This conversation was so many years ago and barely a blip in the story of my life but lately I’ve been thinking of Sophie.

The last few weeks have been very difficult. Many awful things were happening and then I confounded the problems by doing what I always do, thinking about it far too much, being too sensitive and making things worse. By nature I am a constant worrier. I don’t always vocalize it but I often worry about everything. I worry about things I can control and things I cannot. I try to remember not to worry about things I cannot control but when worrisome things start to pile up, when too much adversity unexpectedly arrives at once, sometimes I get overwhelmed. I’m just so damn sensitive. If some of my crazy leaked out and affected you lately I apologize. I guess I do have a broken heart.

A lifelong broken heart… it might justify the root cause of why I’m so sensitive. Introversion surely plays an important role, as does being easily over-stimulated, highly empathetic, a tad obsessive and even a bit dramatic. I try too hard; I always try to hang on to a good time or a good thing. I never let anything go. I never forget. I never completely move on. If something important happens, good or bad, if something touches me, it never leaves. I never get over things. I think it’s because my heart IS broken. It has been for as long as I can remember starting with my parents never giving me everything I wanted from them emotionally and it continued and snowballed from there.

Okay, so I’m broken hearted by nature. Does that mean I am always sad or depressed? No it doesn’t, but those things are never far away. I wonder if this is just a case of; it is what it is. Some people seem like they are always happy. Some people seem like they are always in a bad mood. I am neither. But the way my life has played out, all the pain I’ve experienced, the relationships I’ve had, or better yet the lack of relationships I’ve had have helped to shape me into this broken hearted romantic who still believes in love and dreams despite the lack of personal evidence in the field. So maybe it IS easier to hurt me, maybe I DO feel too much, so what? Despite any mistakes that I have made during the course of my life, I don’t regret nor will I ever regret how I feel or have felt. My feelings make me who I am but yes, they can work to my detriment as well. I will work to be better at controlling my feelings so that I don’t get lost in them for days, months or even decades. I’ll work to do a better job of my emotions and feelings having less of an impact on my actions.

I think too much AND I feel too much. Is that rare? I know the famous saying is “we think too much and feel too little”. For good and bad, I embrace it. For the most part I like who I am. I like that I think and feel too much. I just have to be aware of who I am at all times and when situations test me. I just need better control over my thoughts and emotions so that I don’t make bad things worse, so I don’t turn good things into disasters and great things into obsessions. Am I perpetually broken hearted? Yes, probably but maybe when Sophie hoped that I could mend my broken heart, perhaps she didn’t mean it so literally. Not every situation that presents itself before us is one that needs to be fixed in plain terms. Instead of trying to fix something that maybe I can’t technically fix perhaps it’s better to accept it, adapt to it and make it a strength instead of a perceived weakness. Something like using my crazy powers for good instead of evil over lamenting that I have them in the first place. Is this what Sophie meant? Sometimes our struggles, our flaws, our adversity and how we respond to those things should be what defines us, not our ability to ignore them and pretend we are people that we are not. I dunno, I’m a work in progress and I’ll never be finished. I’ll never be perfect or complete or completely satisfied with everything and you know what, it’s okay. I’ll keep trying to do better than the last time because that's the point, to be better than we were. And as for my broken heart… it still works. Thank you Sophie. I hope your heart is filled with joy and fascination. 

My Olympic Observations (8-19-16)

I've been enjoying the Olympics thus far but I've had some thoughts about what we're seeing and not seeing.

My Olympic Observations:

1. A lot of athletes from around the world go to school in the U.S. There have been countless times where they talked about a foreign athlete from almost anywhere in the world and they say “he/she attends the university of Iowa”. It makes me think wow, even though America has a lot of problems, even though our higher education system is flawed financially, we are still a world destination and a place where citizens of the world want to be. Imagine if we fixed the brutal student loan system and the government wasn’t trying to profit on young people who are punished for the crime of trying to better themselves.
2. From what we see on television Rio looks like heaven on earth but don’t let the media fool you. There are so many people struggling in Rio and in Brazil as they have brutal income inequality and corruption throughout their government worse than we do. They also have a notoriously brutal and corrupt police force which has killed more people in the city of Rio alone than our police have killed in the entire USA this year. This spotlight on Rio should serve as a warning to us. This is where we are heading. We aren’t living in favelas yet, with starving have-nots in slum villages “living”, if you can call it that, in the shadows of glorious shopping centers for the haves but we’re getting damn close.

2. I think we need a new national anthem. Don’t get me wrong, the old one is okay. I always thought it was a great burn that it was set to a popular high society British tune but I think its’ time has passed. For one, we like the British now. They are our friends. It seems pretty disrespectful that our national anthem is a dig at one of our closest friends. For two, the language in that thing is so antiquated. No one speaks that way anymore except when they are singing the thing. Some may find that romantic, I just find it tired. It’s okay to evolve. Third and most importantly, the entire song is about a great battle in Baltimore harbor during the war of 1812. I understand that it’s a source of national pride because we won that pivotal battle and the war, but at what point does the song do more harm than good? That battle happened over 200 years ago! I mean, America is thought of around the world as an arrogant bully and our national anthem sings of rockets and bombs, yee haw! I dunno, perhaps this type of thinking influences our aggressive, violent culture. From childhood we are singing or constantly hearing about how we fought and kicked England’s ass and how wonderful it was. Maybe if our anthem was something more inclusive and respectful, we’d be more inclusive and respectful. The things we regularly say, or in this case sing, have more of an influence on us than we think. We simply take it for granted but just maybe, if you have a violent national anthem, you might be more likely to have violent culture… just saying.

3. I hate any “sport” where someone is riding a horse. I’m sorry, not sorry, I can’t do it. When equestrian comes on I now always cringe and change the channel. The funniest part to me is when the horse doesn’t quite make a jump or doesn’t perform as desired and the commentators remark about how the person on the horse didn’t make it. “Oh, Richard came up a little short there.” or “Angela clipped the bar on that jump.” Respect the horse! I just can’t get over how we humans see a large majestic creature and the first thing we think is, hey let’s ride it! I dunno, maybe it’s just me.

4. My favorite thing about the Olympics is the overall brilliance of the humanity assembled. Countries that are friends, foes, something in between assemble and compete peacefully, together for 2 weeks and united on a global level. What else in this world can achieve that? The only flaw in it is the competition element, but that notwithstanding, to see all the countries come together and co-exist for even a short period of time is a beautiful thing.

the Day After... (Hillary's nomination) 7-27-16

I couldn’t say I was surprised yesterday when Hillary was officially nominated by the Democrats for president, but what did catch me by surprise was my reaction to it. An overwhelming sense of despair and hopelessness set in. I wanted to cry. I was so down and dejected. I couldn’t believe how much I was hurting. All the anger at the corrupt system and all the emotion I’ve put into this campaign came home and hit me all at once. I succumbed to the demoralizing feeling of having your hope extinguished by fears, by cowardice, by what’s wrong about the world. I feel numb today. Maybe that’s what you’re supposed to feel when something you love, something you care about so much dies. You might think I’m overstating this but it feels like a piece of me died yesterday. The dream for 2016 certainly did.

And don’t get me wrong, the political revolution has not died. It will live on. It will continue to speak for the 99% and take on political corruption and elitism whenever possible. But it’s not the same. We were so close. We almost got there. That with the knowledge of the fact that the decks were stacked against us, that the establishment defended itself in such a way to unfairly prevent us from realizing our greatest hopes is where the anger comes from. If we lost a fair fight, I’d be disappointed but not angry. If the nation wasn’t ready for the dramatic reform that our revolution promised, I’d be disappointed but not bitter. But the fact is they cheated us out of our moment. The most evil and underhanded things often happen in the cover of darkness. They happen when people are distracted, when people aren’t looking or when people are misled. Trump is the ultimate distraction. The Democrats and their candidate have gotten away with things that might have gotten others impeached or put into jail in previous years. But there is no outrage right now, at least not from the majority of voters. Yes, the voters don’t like the nominee, yes they don’t trust her but when you put a truly flawed, even awful candidate against the anti-christ, you get what we have here today. It’s anybody’s ball game. You have wrong vs evil and there are no winners there.

Despite how I feel about this particular candidate, I think it’s wonderful that we have nominated what could be our first woman president. It’s long overdue. Other major countries did it decades ago. I understand that Hillary is looked at differently than male politicians. There’s no excuse for that. But that doesn’t give her a pass on her record… a record that leans to the middle, towards money and towards neoliberal policy. Despite all the happy rhetoric of late, nothing in her history convinces me that she will follow through on any of the progressive policies Bernie worked to add to the Democratic platform. I hope I’m wrong, but I have no faith or trust in someone who has a record of putting money before people and who follows instead of leads. We need much better than this. We almost had it.

I love Bernie. I love him and I thank him for everything he has done and continues to do on our behalf. God, this past year was like a whirlwind romance. It was SO refreshing to meet someone in the highest levels of politics who cared more about the people than their ego. It was liberating to meet someone who wasn’t on the take, who wasn’t interested in playing politician. He never pandered to get our votes. He wasn’t phony and that’s why we were attracted to him and his policies. All he offered was what he believed was right and we were attracted to that. It wasn’t about what he thought we wanted, or telling us what we wanted to hear. This was organic. He said what he has always said, the way he has always said it, and suddenly it was exactly what many of us wanted to hear. That’s real. I’ve always considered myself a liberal but he even pulled me a little bit farther to the left! The timing was right and as evidenced by the millions of people who crowded his every rally and campaign stop, the nation was ready. A nation of people who were cynical and let down by President Obama’s empty promise of hope in 2008 came back. New people, who saw an authentic reason to get involved did just that. Skeptics became believers. This type of thing doesn’t happen any more and Bernie changed the game. For that I will always be grateful and I will always hold a deep love and respect for the man, even when we disagree on things. Do I think he should have endorsed Hillary? No, but I understand why he did it and what he’s trying to do for us by doing so. He’s altered the democratic platform in a positive way and he’s a much bigger person than his opponents and his colleagues in Washington. 

That said, I’m not going to blame anyone for voting for Hillary. Donald Trump could bring about the end of the world and that is NOT an exaggeration. There’s a reason we don’t nominate the arrogant, know-it-all jerk who has all the answers in hindsight and acts childish towards anyone who disagrees with him for president. There’s a very good reason why we don’t nominate the school bully or the incoherent bigot for president. There’s an extremely good reason we don’t nominate crazy people for president. But guess what? This year we have all of those things rolled up in one Donald Trump! Its mind blowing that someone like this is a major party nominee for president. It’s even more inconceivable that he’s currently winning! If you feel like it’s necessary to vote for Clinton, I can’t blame you but I will not be joining you. I cannot and will not support everything that I find wrong with the political system because it’s going up against the ultimate evil. I wish more voters had the courage to come with us and make the change we so badly need by voting outside of the 2-party stranglehold on our democracy. If enough people were brave enough and cared enough to do it, we could have put both of these corrupt parties on their asses. But I can clearly see that will not be the case in this election. I do think someone still needs to have the balls to disobey and I will be happy to do it. For “fringe” parties to become relevant they need votes, not facebook likes. If we get enough votes for the Green party, they won’t have to struggle and fight to get on the ballots every election. The same goes for the Libertarians. We need more parties and voting is the only way to get there. If we want democracy WE HAVE TO MAKE IT HAPPEN. We can’t just talk about how we want things to be fair or to reflect the diversity of political views. We have to act on it. You know who is just talk? The Democrats and Republicans. Everything is talk until they’ve checked with their corporate masters to see what they should really do.

When you’re being oppressed, when’s the best time to make a stand? Is tomorrow good, maybe next week, next year? How about 4 years from now? I don’t know, how about right now? Why wait another second? If you think Trump is bad, wait until 4 years from now to see what monstrous candidate they bring up from the muck if Hillary wins. It’s getting worse and worse. We’ve gone from idiot W. Bush to the likes of incoherent, delusional Palin to an out of touch rich guy with little experience like Mitt Romney to an out of touch rich guy with a massive ego, brutal temperament and no experience in Trump. What’s next, someone who shoots fire out their eyes, but only at poor, marginalized people? If that's the case, then 4 years from now we won’t be able to stand up and fight for our democracy because we’ll have to stop that nut. This will only end WHEN WE MAKE IT END. 

Okay, now I’m going to take the gloves off. To all the people who want to vote for Hillary because of Trump, okay, I get it. Do what you feel you have to do. I’m not going to give you any shit. But to those who want to take it further and chastise me and the other Bernie or Bust folks, especially those of you who were Bernie supporters and progressives a few months ago, who do you think you are to judge me? You got off the bandwagon and want to curse at those still on it? To try to say I’m stupid, or ridiculous, or being a baby for standing up for what I believe in, how dare you! Fuck your condescension. You want judgment? I think those of you fucking "heroes" who were with us and who know better but now are “sacrificing” for the rest of us are cowards. I don’t want Trump to win, but if this election has shown me anything it’s that personal integrity and honor are worth everything. I’m not going to abandon mine for any reason. I can’t do that. I am nothing without integrity. If you can live with yourself setting yours aside, good luck but don’t condescend to me for believing that the political revolution was not a fad, a fun time or a fucking hashtag. It’s a fucking revolution and it needs people who are willing to be brave and fierce and I will do my best to be both. The future of our nation depends on it. 

Needless to say, I am kind of checking out of the presidential race now. I’ll monitor things but I don’t really care what Trump and Hillary say unless they say it to each other’s faces in a debate. That should be entertaining… a calculating, trained liar against an out of control liar. Should be fun TV! But just because I am checking out of the Hillary/Trump debacle, don’t believe for a second that I am taking a break from educating myself and empowering myself in the fight for economic, environmental, racial and social justice. It’s like in the Matrix. Once you’ve been unplugged and know the truth about the world around you, there is no going back and more than that you want to help everyone else you can who want to be unplugged do so.

“whenever the people are well-informed, they can be trusted with their own government; that, whenever things get so far wrong as to attract their notice, they may be relied on to set them right." –Thomas Jefferson

Wake up America!

An excerpt from my short story: “The Ghost of Past Orgasms” (4-22-16)

“I think where a lot of men get it wrong in the bedroom is the thought that there are only a few “fun spots” on the woman and that’s where they should maintain their energy. While there are definitely a few places where a concentration of energy should be applied, to focus ONLY on those places means missing out on a much greater experience, especially for her. I would suggest that the woman’s entire body can be and should be treated with sexual respect. Hands don’t have to stay on the “10 and 2” positions. This isn’t a machine! This is a living, breathing, beautiful individual who needs more than the bare minimum, even if that’s how you dressed for the event. I would recommend really getting a feel for the occasion by using those hands liberally and sensually. Explore! There’s no rush. It’s my experience that a hands-on approach is favored over empty oral theory. That’s not to say things should be quiet. Telling her what you are enjoying as you are enjoying it is a surefire way to generate extra heat. There’s so much more to this than simply dipping a carrot. This should be the equivalent of a well balanced meal with a well balanced feel. In the end we guys tend to only remember reaching the top of the mountain but the fact of the matter is; THAT takes a few seconds. Teasing and exploring make the entire trip more memorable for all parties involved and let’s be honest, the journey is often better than the destination, especially if we already know how the story ends. When those muscles tense, that pulse quickens and the sweat beads, a chorus of exhilaration sings us to the promised land. We can choose to make the song as long and as memorable as an epic anthem or as short and forgettable as a commercial. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather bathe in the purple rain.” 

The Walking Dead this Sunday... who will Negan kill?

Okay, I think we all know someone is going to die on the Walking Dead season finale Sunday night but the question is who? If you follow or have knowledge of the comic you know who is supposed to die but as we know with TWD, they don’t always follow the comic. So while we wait a few more agonizing days until the 90-minute season finale I figure it can’t hurt to speculate. Especially since I can’t stop thinking about it all week anyway.

First off, who I think is immune to dying this week: Rick obviously, Carl, Judith- not even TWD is twisted enough to kill a baby in the way that someone will be killed this week. So who’s ride is going to end with Season 6? Here are the possibilities from the main credited cast: (There are no upcoming spoilers here, only speculation)

First category:  “NO WAY”

Spencer- Not a big enough name, although he could die the way Denise did, unexpectedly and suddenly in the middle of the episode. He’s just not a big enough payoff to die at the end of the season. The last living Monroe will probably meet his end during the war between Team Rick and the Saviors that will be the main plotline of the upcoming Season 7.

Aaron- See Spencer.

Second Category: “POSSIBLE BUT NOT LIKELY”

Sasha- Her character has recently began to find happiness once again in what has been a tremendous emotional roller coaster ride for her. A supporting character finding happiness or enlightenment is usually when they suddenly die, ask Denise. Since this death coming on Sunday will be drawn out at the end and highly impactful I doubt Sasha with be the one to go.

Eugene- As entertaining as Eugene is I feel like his story has just begun. He's just made it to level 2! Plus I don’t think he’s a big enough name to die in a season finale against the greatest foe Team Rick has ever seen.

Tara- Her love just died so she is either in store for death herself or a character shift. The show hasn’t even showed her let alone her reaction since Denise’s death so she falls into the same boat as Aaron and Spencer. She could die during the episode, but not at the end of the episode. It wouldn’t be impactful enough to kill her off as Negan's first.  

Father Gabriel- 6 months ago his death would have been greatly celebrated as he is one of most disliked characters in the show’s history. But something interesting happened while we prayed for his demise, he evolved. The same character who turned his back on his congregation and anyone else who needed his help started to pull his weight. His 180 degree turnaround has been so compelling that Rick actually trusted Gabriel with Judith during the zombie walk through Alexandria. To seal the deal, he killed a savior (no pun intended) a few episodes back. He's changed. I don't think fans are still rooting for Gabriel’s death. Morgan says ALL life is precious. In the zombie apocalypse this is debatable since so many people turn into murderous, sinister bastards. Morgan wouldn’t give up on that Wolf, and yes, the wolf saved Denise’s life so she could save Carl, etc. Even the most evil character like that wolf, came back, so to speak. That’s not to say the wolf was going to start handing out cookies to everyone and organizing the Alexandria PTA, but he’s proof that even the most evil characters are not hopeless. However the question is; when and with who do you try? Would you take that chance? For every bad person who can be saved there’s probably several more who’d kill you and take all your stuff in a second. So “evil” may or may not be salvageable but Father Gabriel and Eugene are examples of why you can’t give up on cowardice. If you think about it, Carol is another example. These were people who couldn’t handle themselves, needed help to survive and were almost entirely useless in the ZA. Then at some point, something clicked and now they are useful in some way and in Carol's case, useful in a BIG way. Of course we could talk about Nicholas as a failure in cowardice since he killed himself, but he saved Glenn by doing so, so it wasn’t as big of a waste as it could have been. The point is cowards can come back, come around and the question is do you have the patience to wait for them to do so. It’s risky but Gabriel has come out the other end is doing fine now. I don’t know about you but I think with Gabriel there is still story to tell and more growing to do so I don’t think he’ll get sent to meet the real father Sunday night.   

Rosita- Rosita is a good candidate simply because she’s in a rough emotional spot and has nothing in front of her right now. After getting cruelly dumped by Abe, she’s a bit lost and vulnerable. She’s a good fighter and apparently has enough going for her to turn Spencer into an idiot (or mush) after one emotionless night, so it would be a shame for her to go when we are finally starting to explore the character. I don’t think she’s long for this world, just because of how they never make her a vocal point but I think that’s why her death Sunday night would also not carry the impact a main character’s death during the season finale should have. I think she’s more likely to die randomly during the season 7 war that’s coming.

Third Category: “WOULDN’T BE SHOCKED”

Morgan- He has ripped out the heart of fans for a while now, delicately balancing being a bad-ass fighter who could be a huge asset with being a massive pain in the ass who could have gotten several people killed with his philosophy of every life being precious and sparing otherwise vicious people so they could go on doing vicious things. If only he took out those 2 Wolves who tried to kill him a season and a half ago, it would have saved lives and prevented things that happened down the road from happening. Of course on the other side of it, his displays of humanity and mercy are rare for the ZA. It’s an opinion and a philosophy that is necessary to balance out the cold blooded, unapologetic and now automatic killings that have been generated by this crazy world. Morgan is important because he might be the only person who can pull Rick (and thus everyone else) back from the brink of savage brutality. Of course you cannot fight sheer evil with hugs, not in this world. The answer is probably in between these 2 philosophies, a time and a place, and since Morgan is the only voice on the “life is precious” side, he is very important. Plus, I think he has a bigger role to play down the road, both with helping Carol resolve her inner conflict and in helping Rick not become Negan or the Governor himself.   

Carol- She’s come full circle. She started off as someone who couldn’t kill and now she’s heading back to that point. Granted, in Season 1 she was helpless and now she is conflicted. That's a huge difference. The totality of her actions, namely her kills, has caused a measure of guilt and that guilt is tearing her apart. Can she resolve it? While you couldn’t blame her for pulling back and respecting life again after everything she's had to do, it would be frustrating for Team Rick because she’s so damn good at killing… at doing what needs to be done and not hesitating. There is no one better in a crisis. In fact, there would be no Team Rick without Carol. They would have been the Termites’ dinner otherwise. She’s in a period of introspection right now. Can she resolve doing what needs to be done when it needs to happen with her guilt over doing it? These are incredible times and Carol has turned into an incredible asset. I think killing her off would suck terribly because we want to see where she’ll go from here, but if she dies, people will say it’s because she lost her way. I wouldn’t be shocked if Carol was Negan’s first victim but I just don’t think it will be her. There’s still more story to tell.  

Michonne- What a swerve it would be to have Michonne be Negan’s first victim? She’s been through a remarkable journey where she learned to trust again, believe again and now, love again. TWD sure doesn’t mind offing people who have found something good in their lives. They like the drama of snatching that good fortune away in a second as both surprising storytelling and as a reminder that nothing good lasts in the ZA. Could I see them offing her? Yes, other than finally consummating “Richonne” and embracing her new Grimes family, her character hasn’t been up to much lately, which for all intents and purposes is a good thing considering most of the characters who are “up to something” in the story are dealing with adversity. If they wanted a surprise kill, she’d be the way to go and that would confirm that getting involved with Rick is VERY bad luck.

Maggie- It looked like Maggie could have lost the baby last week, if not, all is not well with the child. Since Glenn and Maggie have kind of adopted Enid anyway, the child isn’t entirely necessary. Plus with Judith still filling diapers there’s not a need to have another child on the show. It is however, important for what the child represents… hope. You’ve heard characters both on Team Rick and elsewhere question Maggie as to why she would want to get pregnant in this world, like doing so may as well be a death sentence. Maggie and Glenn occupy a different but similar wing of Morgan’s all life is precious argument. In a world so completely caught up with the moment (and for good reason), these are 2 people with a brave eye towards the future. More than that Maggie is set up in a very important but developing role; as the ambassador/representative of Alexandria. Rick and his temper have no time for slimy douches like the Hilltop Colony’s leader Gregory. Maggie is tough but with a softer, perhaps more diplomatic touch. In this season alone we’ve met the Hilltoppers and The Saviors. Odds are there are more colonies out there and in a world of dwindling supplies and resources, seeking out the other groups and working with them is becoming necessary. If they want to trade and work with Alexandria, they’ll speak with Maggie. If they want to take everything and kill everybody, well then they’ll speak with Rick. Maggie is important to the future of Team Rick so killing her here while extra surprising would be excessive. They just lost Deanna. Maggie needs time to grow into her role so I think she’ll be safe, although as we saw last Sunday the same might not be said for her baby.

Fourth Category: “UH-OH”

Abraham- I think Abraham would be the major character most fans could live with dying. His arc of losing his mind seems to be over and he’s found himself in a good place with newly found peace of mind and a new companion in Sasha. That’s way too much good fortune for one guy on this show! That’s why I think he’s a great candidate to be the first person to die at Negan’s hands. His euphemisms and ways to express himself are certainly a highlight and it’s not like there are many people left with military training out there but he’s not on the same level with the other 2 characters in this category who have been with Rick since episode 2. So his death, while powerful, wouldn’t carry the same weight of either Daryl or Glenn dying. In the comics, Abraham dies the way Denise did, so technically, he’s living on borrowed time… for what that’s worth.  

Daryl- We left last weeks’ episode with Daryl being shot in the arm or shoulder.  No he’s not dead and no, he will not die Sunday. Daryl still has a game to finish with Dwight and right now Dwight is winning. If you’ve studied comic book science you’ll know three things: 1-Only a major bad guy can finish off a major good character. Negan would qualify as a major bad guy, so yes he could kill Daryl on Sunday but also true in comic science is 2-A major bad guy doesn’t get introduced by killing an already wounded and weakened character. If Daryl is in rough shape after being shot, killing him wouldn’t be much of an accomplishment. Negan needs to kill a healthy, strapping major character to make maximum impact. 3-Daryl is has unfinished business. In the comic world, unfinished business with a bad guy is a huge deal. So this means, Daryl can die at Negan hands but only after he squares things with Dwight. If Daryl were to get revenge on Dwight during Sunday’s episode, I’d say he’s more likely to be the guy but if he doesn’t, I think he lives to fight, and die another day. Besides, if Daryl dies we riot, right?

Glenn- That leaves us with the guy who gets it at this point in the comics. That scene has been discussed for a few years by fans and media alike. Will The Walking Dead stay true to the comic? With the big Glenn death tease earlier this season, it was wondered if we’d even get to this point. Glenn as a character has been vital to the story thus far. His ability to get out of sticky situations and knock arrogant prima donnas on their ass has been wildly important. He survived being tortured by the Governor. He survived the chopping block at Terminus. Does Glenn have 9 lives and does anyone know if he’s already used 8 of them? Something to consider; Glenn for the first time a few episodes ago, killed his first 2 humans. On this show, when a character loses their way, trades in their belief system, they could be on borrowed time. It’s happened to a few of them. I’m also wondering that other than being a new dad to be and killing his first humans what else has Glenn been up to? What would his role be going forward? Obviously he is great on runs and has wisdom gleaned from Dale, Hershel and all the best moral characters on the show. To lose him WOULD be brutal but he is the only major character from the early days of the show who isn’t involved in a major subplot right now. Does that automatically equal death… no, not necessarily. But for the same reason that I think Carol is safe because she’s on a quest to find herself and Daryl is safe because he’s on a quest for revenge, Glenn is not on a "quest" right now. He's just there. One train of thought is maybe the show has been cleaning up Glenn’s affairs, so to speak, to prepare for THIS moment. While the show hasn’t always stuck to the comics, there are a few moments, major moments, that they have to get right. I think this is one of them. As much as I hate it, I think Glenn is the one to meet his demise at the hands of Negan Sunday.