I want to thank everyone who helped to cheer me up yesterday. It really helped and I really appreciated it. Although I tried to keep myself away from writing while I felt gloomy, you are what you eat. That's right, I eat words. So here's what came out. It's a bit of rambling free flowing jibberish but it made me feel a lot better. I call this Down and Up. It's easy to understand and reflects the roller coaster ride I have with my emotions sometimes.
Down & Up
Most of the days are sunny
Finding joy in the mundane
Thinking optimistic thoughts
Wishing and being hopeful
Believing in balance, love and dreams
Everything is great
Until something turns the mood
It can be the smallest thing
A rejection, an unwelcome change, meanness or disrespect
Sluggish indifference arrives
I don’t want to do anything
I don’t want to leave the house
I can’t be seen
My large heart can’t find anything to wear
I can’t care about tomorrow, next week or the next life
When all I need are the next 5 minutes
So I take the moment with my hands
And squeeze it for all it’s worth
Ringing out superficial smiles
It’s better than none at all
I feel heavy and tired
With the burden of getting it right
Sometimes people are too much
And at times like this I wish I had one
To keep me from going too far away
To keep me from doing stupid things
Booming belief turns into empty reality
When I think of the things I haven’t done
I start to think of my regrets
As I tumble further down the hole
I wonder if time is running out
And the good times are behind me
Will I ever find that which I value most?
Or will I always be alone
The burden deepens
I find more temporary satisfaction
From the most primal of places
To stop the pain for a few
The scars of this war are numerous
From a lifelong fight with myself
I know my strengths and my weaknesses
I know when my strength is weakest
And when my weakness is strongest
Another round scored against me
Finally I can’t take the jabs any longer
I march out the door in search of a cure
I try not to look at anyone
Because I want no one to see me
Yet I know I’m only climbing out if someone extends a hand
Take a walk around a corner
I know it’s only a matter of time
Until some silly thing brings me back
It’s so easy to make me happy
But also so easy to hurt me
This is why I keep business hours
Vulnerability makes me a people person
Who doesn’t always want to be around people
Trying to remind myself that time unhappy is time wasted
Emotions overpower logic
I can think of no greater example than love
Giving yourself to someone
Trusting someone so deeply
Believing that you’ve found one person
That will never hurt you and always be there
That’s not logical either
What’s love got to do with it?
What’s logic got to do with it?
Waves of delight crashing against rough shores
Bracing myself only makes it hurt more
What have I learned?
Where do I think I’m going with that look on my face?
I see a pretty girl, a cool hat
A car drives by playing something I like
Life slows down and becomes attractive
My mind slows as well
A voice says take it in you fool, it’s wonderful
Again I grow curious
My imagination perks up
My eyes open wide
The out of body experience ends
I return to smiles and whispers
I return to nod and sway
I return to my favorite way
Where have I been all week to forget to enjoy these days?
I wear this one with pride
Before I know it I’m happy again
Again I am in love.
