It’s been 11 days since I’ve had a Pepsi or really any
caffeine for that matter. Every day has been hard, sometimes for different
reasons. I used to think I had cravings before but man, these cravings lately
have been intense. I think about various forms of addiction and I wonder if
this is what it’s like for people addicted to alcohol, drugs, sex, etc. I’m not
trying to belittle any of those things or those people and I don’t think my “coke” problem
(which is really Pepsi) is any worse than someone’s serious coke problem but
Pepsi has been a huge part of my life since I was a teenager and caffeine
has a been a significant part longer than that. I'm frequently uncomfortable and there are many temptations.
I also have a tendency to overthink and a slightly obsessive mind. It can cause a moment of thought to last a whole day, or worse. Just last night my roommate opened up a brand new 2-liter of ginger ale and
that sound took me to a place where I could almost taste a fresh, ice cold Pepsi.
For about 10 minutes there I wanted one more than anything. I really could almost taste it. I’m still trying to
get used to dinnertime without that big glass of sweet cola goodness to wash
everything down. It was like a treat I gave myself when I made it to the end of another day. Now I'm redefining what the word "treat" means to me. I'm proud of how far I've come but I'm not going to think for one second that this is over yet.
When I see other people drinking one, a bottle on the street or a Pepsi commercial
on TV I feel sad for a little bit at my loss until I force myself to consider what
I gain by not having it. I have to make myself see the positive. It’s not
automatic yet. What is automatic is the feeling of loss and of want. Hopefully
in a few weeks those feelings will fade and I won’t have to constantly have to
make an effort to remind myself of the positive, I’ll just know it. This is why
I can’t waver. If I can go several weeks without touching the stuff, a new
pattern will emerge and the old routines will fade further into the rear view. It
is never easy to consciously begin a new habit, especially when part of you wants to cling to the old one.
I’m not there yet. Every day is hard. I’m also trying to
keep my calorie count to a certain level so in some ways these cravings can be like
a double whammy. My caffeine withdrawal seems to be over but my sugar
withdrawal, my sugar cravings continue… even as I type this. A co-worker has
brought in really good donuts today. He brought in a dozen but there’s only 4
of us here! He says, help yourself and I think, I’m trying.
So I haven’t touched them. I’m afraid to even go near the
box in fear I might smell them and trigger a whole new level of craving. I must
be strong. I keep telling myself, reminding myself that food’s primary purpose
is for fuel, for giving the body what it needs. For too many years of my life,
actually more like all of them, I’ve been misguided and thought of food’s
primary purpose was for taste or for fun. I mean, I’ve always known what the
right path was but I chose to avoid it. I’d let my emotions dictate my
appetite. I’d let my inner child run amok. When it came to food I would often
choose fun over responsibility. Even yesterday, all I had to drink for the
ENTIRE day was spring water and at one point I thought, what a boring way to
live. But what an awful thing to think! We live in a society where so many
awful foods and drinks are pitched to us for being tasty, for being cool, for
being fun as if they are perfectly safe to consume but they are not. Sure you
could have a bottle of Pepsi today and it would probably do absolutely nothing
to you. But if you have a bottle every day, sometimes 2 or 3 and continue to do
that for 20 years you might become aware of how powerful an effect it has on
you chemically, psychologically and physically. I am aware… every minute, every
hour and every day of distance I create from it.
I am still trying to lose the weight I gained when I
started college. I’m still running from the shadow of an addiction so “trite” I
never even considering quitting it until only a week before I did. I thought,
Pepsi isn’t great for you, but it’s no worse than most of the other things I
put in my body… well guess what? I’ve put a lot of bad things in my body. I’m
dealing with the repercussions now. When you’re younger you take so many things
for granted, especially your health. I have a line in one of my poems about
needing my diet to grow up but the truth is, it’s time I did.
