The Right Choices (9-27-13)

Remember those plans we had at the beginning of the day? How about those plans we made the night before? I’m not really talking about plans we made with other people. They are the plans we made for ourselves- perhaps an outline to keep us on track and productive, or maybe a blueprint needed to best utilize our time, because let’s face it, there’s never enough time. How well do we stick to these plans? How much of what we think we intend to do is subject to change? How often do we plan to do one thing but instead end up doing the opposite?

“No, wait a minute… I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of tuna on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted ... and a cup of tea.” –George Costanza

Everybody knows how delicate life is, how short the amount of time we get on this earth can be but that doesn’t stop us from procrastinating like our lives depend on it! We waver, flip-flop, make excuses, rationalize and become indecisive. We make decisions based on our mood. We sacrifice long term happiness for short term bliss. We change our minds so easily and we do so for the silliest of reasons.

The worst part about it is we know what we are supposed to do. We know which path is the one we should take but we allow ourselves to get distracted. We choose to do the wrong thing because it feels good, tastes good or looks good. We put things off and then tell other people; “oh, the thing that happened was”. Sometimes we might even get people to feel sympathy for us since this “other thing” happened that prevented us from doing what we planned but that other thing is us! So what do we tell ourselves? How do we rationalize excuses within? How do we get away with it? Why don’t we hold ourselves accountable?

I’m not sure we do get away with it. Maybe we pretend we do in the present sense but the damage gets done. We add more stress, more pain, more weight, more debt, more time spent anxious that would have been better spent relaxing after we took care of whatever we had to do. This conflict within limits us. I sometimes like to fool myself by thinking I can accomplish so much more than I do but it’s just a case where I choose not to. I choose to stop here. I choose to overdo it. I choose to have another serving. I choose to sleep in. I choose to spend money I shouldn’t spend. Yes it is a choice and because we know it is, we validate bad decisions but we are doing nothing more than lying to ourselves and we’ve gotten really good at it! Lying to yourself isn’t easy, you know all your tricks, so the best lies, the most convincing ones, the most devious ones are the ones we tell ourselves.

This happens to me all the time; I know I should do something but I really want to do something else. I feel like I have choices when maybe there shouldn’t be one. I chalk it up to immaturity both in my actions and my thoughts. It’s something I have to work on. It’s something I have worked on. I also settle for the bare minimum most of the time. I tell myself not to be greedy, just get what you need and be done with it. I do this in many areas, except one crucial one, love. When it comes to love, when it comes to potential mates, I don’t settle. I do anything but settle. Maybe this happens because in this department my heart overrules my head, and my heart… doesn’t play around. But when my head is in charge and that’s most of the time, look out because who knows which way the wind blows.

“If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.”  -Jerry Seinfeld

When I know I have to do something but my mind instead wants to convince me to have fun, indulge or do the easy or lazy thing I have to be strong of mind. When impulses mask themselves as instincts I need to be wise enough to see through them and do the opposite. What I feel like I desperately want at this moment isn’t worth the cost of something I need down the road. It sounds easy, I mean I just typed it but following through, putting the preaching into practice is where the message gets lost in translation. I need to remind myself often.

When my mind craves/wants something I shouldn’t give in. There’s a difference between being young at heart and being young at mind. Frankly, my inner child is spoiled rotten. He always wants to push it a little longer, linger, fester and opt for fun over responsibility, chillin’ over working, excuses over solutions.  I don’t even know why I need to have this conversation with myself because I’d like to think I know right from wrong and I’m smart enough to see through my own ruses. Do you know what the funniest part of this whole conversation is? Doing the right thing often feels just as good if not better than doing the “fun” thing. The only difference, other than helping over hurting is that the good feeling doesn’t come quickly enough when we have to make the right decision. In this day and age when everyone has the attention span of only 140 characters, we want it now. We convince ourselves that we need instant gratification over hard earned satisfaction but instant gratification isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

For example:

My job allows me to work pretty much whenever I want to get my 40 hours in during the week. I have 7 days to play with and Monday through Saturday we are open from 10am to 8pm. Now, on weekdays I could come in an hour or two earlier as there is usually someone in the building earlier than 10 so from Monday through Friday my window is more like 8-8. Do I take advantage of this? No I don’t. I often go in as late as I can and in some cases I work so few hours on the weekdays that I have to go in on Saturdays to make up the time I am short. It’s not even a matter of sleeping in. Most days I sleep no later than 9:30 or 10 but I might not head in to work til Noon or later. On nights where I have something planned after work (you know, something fun) I do go in earlier because I can’t stay later but without that incentive I’ve gotten into a rut where I am in no hurry to get to work in the mornings. I sit at my computer and I write, I read, I watch Sportscenter and I play with a cat. These are all things I could do after work but why wait, right? I want to have fun now! I want to do what I want when I want it. It’s like I’ve convinced myself that being an adult entitles me to be a child.

Well, the truth of the matter is that when I go in late I’m usually not in the greatest mood. It’s like I was outside playing and my mom called me in for the night. Since my fun was cut short I now have to make the switch to work-mode for several hours before I can have fun again. Making the switch from funtime to serious-time never goes over well, that’s why we usually go to sleep shortly after we make that switch at night but to make that switch in the late morning, it’s just not natural. I know this because yesterday I came into work early and I noticed something. While I was a little grumpy because it was early and because I’m not used to that, once I got into work and settled in, my mood was great. I was happier than usual. Perhaps not having “fun” for 2-3 hours right before coming in made it easier to adapt. Now, much like work used to be or even how school used to be, I’m really looking forward to the end of the day so I can unwind a bit. It almost feels like I’ve earned it more today than yesterday when I showed up after 1pm. Maybe there’s something to this whole satisfaction over gratification thing. Maybe if I get right into my responsibilities instead of right into the fun, the fun later on means more. It’s more satisfying. There’s that word again.

A similar thing happens when it comes to my diet. I’m traditionally a very emotional eater, plus I always try to enjoy too much of a good thing and that makes me a downright dangerous eater. Once I start having fun I often overdo it. At my worst I’ll scarf down sweets like I was on a dessert island the last few years but you know what? When I give in to my cravings it might feel pretty good at that moment but not even 10 minutes after I finish the chicken wings, the cookies, the ice cream, the pizza or the sexy bread the guilt starts creeping in. I always know it is coming but something convinces me that a quick fix is the way to go. I truly am a junk food junkie! A couple months back I posted something about how my diet needs to grow up. Maybe it’s more than my diet.

Then there are those times where I control the cravings and make the healthy choices. When that happens I feel proud in a way that scoring a pack of raspberry Zingers can’t provide. I feel happy with myself. It’s a tremendous feeling and I know this but then the next day is like the first day as I’m back to that struggle between a delicious here and now over a tasty tomorrow. Considering how good I feel when I eat right, or when I find the time to get in a work out, you’d think I’d be addicted to THOSE things. Instead I’m often upset with myself because when I have to make the right choice I’ve done the opposite.

For all my failures there are some impulse success stories too. There are times when indulging the cravings pays off. When I was younger I used to write poetry. Granted it was silly stuff and overly cheesy romantic verse but I used to write. I dreamed of one day performing my work but I was too afraid. I was terrified of public speaking and I lacked confidence and with that stalemate the dream eventually went poof. Then several years later I started going to poetry slams and the dream was reborn. I went to this monthly slam starting back in 2006 and continued to go nearly every month for 2 years. The dream was reborn. Finally I heard some poetry that really spoke to me. It inspired me. Suddenly the cravings were back. The cravings to write and perform my work for others returned… but the roles were reversed. I fought the cravings. Fear and insecurity defeated the cravings for a time but finally by 2009 I was ready (just barely) to perform my work for others and I went out to my first open mic. Slowly I gave into the cravings. By 2010 I started to read out monthly and during this past year I began appearing regularly around town. By now the cravings have won. In this instance giving into them and doing the opposite of the easy thing worked out.

I guess my point is that we have to know when and where to give in to our desires but that’s only the start. For the most part we already know what’s best but actually making the right choice plays a pivotal role. Knowing really is only half the battle. After all, what good is knowing the difference between good and bad choices if we are going to make the bad ones most of the time? That just introduces guilt because we know we're wrong. We may as well be as ignorant as we want to act. If you’re like me and there’s this demanding little voice that’s always telling us to do the fun or easy thing maybe it’s best if we just do the opposite. 

“Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something!”  -George Costanza

Necessary (9-18-13)

Hobbies are supposed to bring you joy. That’s why we pursue them. We do the things we love to get away from the things we don’t. Maybe we do them to escape the daily grind or to help us cope. Anyone who has one knows the joy and comfort they bring to us. More than that I think everybody remembers what the first time was like, you know, when you discover it- a new hobby to pass the time, an exciting interest that breathes new life into you. It makes us feel taller. It makes us feel like the people we’ve always wanted to be.

When I first started writing poetry 3-4 years ago I thought it would be a fun little hobby, perhaps a way to deal with the ups and down of life. Along the way I’ve learned an important lesson about it. When you can write it, you must write it. Once you realize that you can put your thoughts down to paper, once you accept the fact that your emotions, opinions and dreams can come alive on that page you now have an obligation to keep going. You must. It becomes more than a hobby, it becomes necessary.

Over time writing poetry has become therapeutic for me. Each poem is like a photograph. It’s a moment in time, captured. This was the time I was in love, this one was the time I was bullied, insecure, amazed, thankful, afraid, etc. It helps me to get the bad energy out of my system, and let me tell you, some of that pain has been there a long time. When I talk about how my grandparents wanted me to be aborted because they didn’t want a “mixed” child, that’s something that’s been with me for over 20 years. When I talk about getting bullied in high school, my first love, my weight problems, those are issues that are not new. Sure, there are also pieces about recent events but everything I write has been a byproduct of this journey I’ve been on my whole life. I learned early on to write for myself and I definitely do but I would be foolish not of think of others as well. Sometimes I write deeply personal pieces and I need to write them for me but the more I’ve performed them out in the world I’ve noticed other people relate to them. Some people have gone through similar things, felt similar ways and it floors me. To think I could speak for others in any way is a very humbling feeling. It was only a few years ago where I couldn’t even speak for myself.

I don’t know if I spoke for anyone Monday night at Babeville’s 9^th Ward but damn was it a rewarding experience. I had the opportunity to open for Saul Williams. Hold on, I have to type that again; I opened for Saul Williams. I still can’t believe that happened. When I started to read out almost 3 years ago I couldn’t stop my hands from shaking so sometimes I had to hold the paper with 2 hands just so I could steady it enough to read it. I was absolutely petrified to have everyone look at me, let alone listen to me. My voice was soft and searching for the right volume, the right rhythm, even the right words. One of my first times out, I actually let a bad day and some insecurities turn me around and make me run out the door before a reading. I went home that night, cried a little, wrote a wonderful poem about such a terrible night and made the most of a bad situation. To this day, even though I’ve probably read over 70-80 times now I still tremble, I still sweat like I’m being tortured and I still get butterflies like you won’t believe but I’ve come so far. I’ve read for 2 people and 200. I’ve read for all ages, all colors and Monday was the culmination of all that work, all those nerves and a journey that shall continue, perhaps for as long as I live. There I was sharing the same stage with one of the titans of modern poetry, modern art. Part of me still feels like I had no business being on that same stage, like who am I? Then a different part of me reminds me that I am Eddie Gomez and I am a poet. I am a storyteller and my work is far from over.

In other news I am going to read the Alchemist again. I’ve already read it 3 times the last 6-7 years since I’ve owned it but I think of that book the same way people think of religious books, hell THE religious book. I think of it the same way people who go to church regularly or semi-regularly think of the word. They have to go church every now and then and remind themselves and reinforce what they believe in. They have to go and pay respects to the word. It’s the same thing for me and that book. I have to revisit it from time to time to reinforce and refresh the valuable lessons inside. I know that sometimes I lose my way and have to be reminded again of what’s important.

It’s been a heck of a week already, maybe even a heck of a year in some respects and because of how improbably awesome things have gotten, I’m starting to believe that things can get even improbably better! How’s that for optimism… thank you poetry.