My 31 favorite horror movies (10-31-17)

Before Halloween and October are over, I want to share my 31 favorite horror films with you. Luckily, I’ve been able to watch many of these the past few weeks.

My All Time horror movie list:

1. The Exorcist (1973): To me this is the ultimate horror film. It has the ultimate “bad guy”, the story builds and builds and culminates in one of the best third acts in horror history. The acting was brilliant all around, the movie was chilling throughout and truly scared you. Scared is a feeling, it’s felt. Too many horror flicks think horror is gore, visual tricks and sudden shocks. A slow burn scare is the ultimate scare. Sometimes losing all control is scarier than death. Speaking of losing control, my mom saw The Exorcist in the theater while she was pregnant with me. She didn’t make it the end because she was constantly throwing up watching the film. Can’t argue with that.

2. The Shining (1980): Talk about a creepy feeling movie. Again, the acting is fantastic and Nicholson is at his creepy best. Watching his slow mental breakdown is powerful. The story is fascinating and why wouldn’t be- it’s based on a Stephen King book of the same name. When I finally had the chance to see this in a theater with surround sound, holy crap, the film became even scarier. From Kubrick’s vivid colors to the scariest little sounds and score to Jack’s creepy descent into madness. This is quintessential horror.

3. Halloween (1978): The original slasher film. This John Carpenter classic set the tone for the genre for the next generation of films. It’s iconic villain; Michael Myers, is father to all the Jason’s, Freddie’s and everyone who came later. Halloween has influenced hundreds of horror movies since and we know why

4. Night of the Living Dead (1968): This is one of the greatest horror movies of all time but not just for the horror. Yeah the zombies were wonderful but what really made this incredible was the struggle not just with the undead but the living as well. Issues of race were as important as survival and that realism sets this George Romero classic in a class by itself. They're coming to get you Barbara!

5. Carrie (1976): Could this film have been cast any better? From Carrie to her mom to a young John Travolta to all the mean girls, the cast and acting were good. The story was unique and new, yet another Stephen King adaptation. The story is fascinating because quite frankly, in the end we are kind of rooting for the “bad guy”.

6. the Evil Dead (1981): while the sequels are legendary for other reasons, this low budget first offering from Sam Raimi was unique and creepy as hell, not to mention gory and graphic in ways we hadn’t seen before. I’m not necessarily a fan of gory and graphic, you can’t ignore the first films to do it. The Evil Dead made the most of a small budget providing some big scares.

7. Rosemary's Baby (1968): A frightening cult plot and wonderfully acted by all involved, this is another story that builds and builds. How deep does the rabbit hole go? When people are so nice they are creepy, perhaps they’re in a cult with a plot against you, lol.

8. Psycho (1960): I was on the fence as to whether I’d call Psycho a horror film or a psychological thriller, it’s influence on horror films cannot be denied and that’s why I’m including it here. Anthony Perkins was perfect as Bates and Hitchcock goes in a slightly different direction but scores big with this classic.

9. Poltergeist (1982): When the horror comes home. In Poltergeist, it’s not an old haunted house, a mansion, a castle or some historic locale. It’s a brand new home in a brand new housing community… that just happened to be built on an old Native American burial ground. Another well acted film, who can forget little Carol-Anne? Poltergeist reminds us that we should know about the history of the area we buy our home in.

10. Amityville Horror (1979): Speaking of haunted houses and Native American burial grounds! This movie is aided by the fact that several gruesome murders really did take place in the house. The debate on whether the home is haunted has raged on for decades and this movie helped to keep the debate going. Much like in the Shining, watching the slow burn psychological breakdown happen is riveting. What’s the breaking point? Can they find their way back? Just how powerful can a haunted house be? I don’t know if the stories outside of the murders are true but I wouldn’t walk within 50 feet of that house!

11. Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974): The first film to really explore the gore and brutality elements of horror. Leatherface is iconic and pretty damn scary but another important aspect in horror is location. What’s scarier than running out of gas in a rural location in Texas, or in many underdeveloped places in the south?

12. Dawn of The Dead (1978): Another Romero classic full of zombies and social commentary. I find this film to be an early blueprint for The Walking Dead

13. The Fog (1980): Beware the Fog! A tale of revenge and reckoning, the Fog scores with an overall creepy feeling that basically lasts the entire film. As with any John Carpenter film, the score is great and the tone is perfect. I find this to be an underrated and mostly forgotten film but I find a great deal of scares when the horror comes in everyday things, natural phenomenon. It’s just a fog bank, right?

14. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984): What’s crueler than a homicidal maniac? One that taunts you as he kills you. Wes Craven took the slasher genre one step further than Myers and Jason with Freddie Krueger. Freddie has one liners but was still scary. If you aren’t safe in your dreams, where are you safe?

15. Trick r Treat (2007): A collection of scary stories separate but connected. This collection picks up where Creepshow and Tales From The Darkside left off and made a better film.

16. The Omen (1976): What would you do if you were somehow the parents of the anti-christ? But he’s just a little boy! While not on the level of some the greatest horror films, this creepy movie boasts one of the most unlikely villains: a little kid.

17. The Babadook (2014): One of the few recent films I’ve included. This film reminds us that horror and fear take place in the mind. This movie crosses the line from psychological thriller to psychological horror.

18. Prince of Darkness (1987): Another John Carpenter entry and another underrated film. Again we have the ultimate battle between good and evil except evil comes and good, or God, is nowhere to be found. How do we stop it? What chance would we have? Plus we get a cast full of actors who appeared in previous Carpenter films.

19. Scream (1996): It was both parody and paid homage to the genre. A slickly written film expertly directed by Craven, Scream might not have generated any from the viewer but it might have made you jump a few times and the twists, turns and subtleties made this a movie that did it’s homework and charted some new ground. A fun horror film but thankfully they knew not to make it too silly or comedic.

20. The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (1920): A legendary offering that influenced the horror genre greatly. This film knows that the key to horror is playing with your mind. It featured the first ever “twist” ending and visually must have been a thrill ride to see nearly 100 years ago in a theater.

21. It (1990): A Stephen King adaptation about a very old killer clown that targets and kills kids. That in itself is pretty damn creepy. The way Pennywise torments and terrorizes the kids is both frightening and cruel. It makes for a pretty damn good horror film even if it’s a bit long. The cast is a who’s who of 70s/80s actors but Tim Curry slays as Pennywise.  

22. Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter (1984): great characters and development, something often lacking in slasher films. It's not about how many, how fast and how gruesome we can make the kills. It's about how meaningful they are. We’re given just enough about them that we aren’t automatically rooting for Jason here. A young Crispin Glover and even younger Corey Feldman. One survived, one didn’t.

23. The Birds (1963): Part of what makes zombie movies terrifying is the fact that we have no control. If the dead turned to zombies, there isn’t much we could do but try to survive for as long as we could. There’d be too many of them. This is true in The Birds. How can you fight and defeat ALL the birds? Can you imagine people coming out of the theater after seeing this in 1963-64 and immediately seeing a flock of birds? They might feel a little nervous. That’s a good horror movie.

24. Friday the 13th (1980): yes, I have a sequel slightly above the original. First off, Jason isn’t really in this film but his mom does an admirable job of dispatching teens in his wake. This film was important for 2 reasons, 1- introducing the long standing franchise and 2- it might have been one of the first films where the viewer might have been rooting for the slasher/killer. In Halloween, you root for Jamie Lee Curtis, but in this film where the teens are not exactly depicted as upstanding kids, you might be inclined to feel like they deserved it except unlike in Carrie, where the title character takes revenge for those who wronged her, Mrs. Voorhees and subsequently Jason take revenge on kids who probably had nothing to do with his death.

25. Child's Play (1988): Dolls can be creepy. This movie made them creepier. The soul of a mass murderer lives on in a child's doll. 

26. Christine (1983): Yet another John Carpenter directed film on my list. It’s also another Stephen King adaptation. In this case it’s not a house or even a person possessed by an evil spirit; it’s a car. A classic car no doubt. I find this film to be minimalist and creepy. Keith Gordon is great in the title role and you go from rooting for the car at times to finally realizing that it has to be stopped.

27. Phantasm (1979): Beware the Tall Man! This cult classic is scary and a bit uneven but it’s raw and creative. It lives in its own world. Imagine a frightening funeral director who’s very ambitious about his business. The creep factor is raised with the accessories and help he uses to achieve his ends. The tall man alone makes the film memorable.

28. The Blair Witch Project (1999): The origin of found footage films. This low budget creeper is good because it is low budget and while the shaky camera work annoyed some, I found it to be realistic and it added to the fear. This might have been higher on the list if I better understood what was going on for most of it, but that doesn’t make it that less scary.

29. Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982): How many more days til Halloween, Halloween, Halloween? An unusual and underrated entry on this list for sure. People who hate this film usually do so because it has nothing to do with Michael Myers and the first 2 movies. Initially, that's why I didn't like it either but on its own, it’s a pretty scary story. Can you imagine Halloween masks killing kids and anyone who wears them? Plus tell me you didn’t hear the Silver Shamrock jingle when you saw this was on my list.

30. Saw (2004): While I can’t stand the Saw franchise, you can’t argue with the original. It’s more twisted, gory and sick than I’d prefer my horror to be but it was creative and unique. As horrifying psychologically as it is visually.

31. The Prophecy (1995): Since it’s my list, I’m gonna end this with one of my favorites. This is a story about a centuries old war between angels and demons. Humans are the wild card in this war and fight is on. Christopher Walken is quite entertaining as the angel of death; Gabriel. Viggo Mortensen is so creepy as Lucifer.

Special mention: While not "horror films", these films are Halloween musts and classics nevertheless.

-Hocus Pocus (1993): While not the scariest film, it's a Halloween staple and loads of fun. The Sanderson sisters return after 300 years to eat children and stay young forever. While completely evil, Bette Midler, Kathy Najimy and Sarah Jessica Parker are entertaining and charming running amok on a modern day Halloween!

-Nightmare Before Christmas (1993): In the town of Halloween you'll find every spooky thing you can think of... and Oogie Boogie! While Nightmare is more of a Halloween themed Xmas film, you can't go wrong throwing it on in October, or any other time for that matter. It's a collection of charming characters, creative storytelling and fun fun fun!

Honorable Mention (just missed): The Strangers, Paranormal Activity, Sleepy Hollow, A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, Nosferatu, the Ring (Ringu), The Grudge, Wes Craven’s New Nightmare

With my list I went for what I consider to be true horror films. I intentionally left off some films with horror elements but might be considered other genres. For example, I consider The Thing and Alien(s) sci-fi thrillers, Army of Darkness a dark comedy, Jaws, Silence of the Lambs and Don’t Look Now psychological thrillers

What’s your favorite scary movie?

The absence of freedom (10-5-17)

The absence of freedom:

Being a victim of theft is hard. It’s even harder when the theft is not outside in the world somewhere but instead at home. I can’t help but think of the saying; “too close to home”. This was closer than that. It was home. If you missed my post on Saturday, someone broke into my building’s basement and then smashed the door to my storage locker where my bike is usually kept and stole my most valuable possession; a $329 comfort bike with additions and modifications that had made it the best bike I ever had. It had everything I wanted/needed on it. I couldn’t have been happier with that bike and although I only had it for 6 months, it left a lasting impression on me.

Since the theft was discovered I’ve been on edge, jittery. My nerves have been in overdrive. I spent the first day trembling, both with rage and anxiety. There was fear… so much fear. I was afraid of what I would do to the person who stole it if I saw them. I was afraid of the thought of my life without that bike. I was afraid of being more confined to my apartment, a place that no longer felt safe anymore. I was afraid to go to sleep that night… and the next night… wondering if someone is going to break into my building again. I have nearly nothing left for a thief to steal. He got my pride and joy and he stole other things, many other things. It’s more than a tangible possession. He stole my peace of mind. And I realize it’s just a bike. It can be replaced. It’s not life or death but my bike means a lot to me. In the short term, the stress and damage to my psyche, to my piece of mind is significant. That bike was more than just a method of exercise or a way to get somewhere… it represented freedom. It extended my world in a way that I need. It made me feel I had choices, opportunities. It liberated me. I don’t like to be dependent on people. Now I have to take the bus everywhere. The thought of that alone makes me feel ill. I feel like the thief took so much more than my bike and I hate this person so much. A person I’ve never met and never will meet, I hate him. I want to hurt him in ways that Marcellus Wallace would classify as medieval.

My world view walks a thin line. Some days the idiots chip away and I feel pessimistic about the world, about humanity. Other days people do remarkable things that give me hope. Lately it’s more the former than the latter and when the awful things actually happen to you, the feelings are so much stronger. For all of Saturday and most of Sunday I was basically of the mindset of “fuck everyone”. I’ve never hurt anybody. When I’m out in the world, I hold doors for people, help whenever I can, try to be a good person. Why do people do awful things to me? I feel like I’m playing this game of life by rules that other folks don’t follow. I’ve had 2 bikes stolen in the last 7 months. I’ve been jobless for 4 months. I don’t have anything. I don’t have anything but this growing darkness inside of me. I’ve done everything I can to suppress it my whole life. My fiery temper, my desire for justice and revenge. It’s better that I don’t know who stole my bike. I’m afraid of what I would do if I found out. There are decades of pain and rage that have built up. I‘ve swallowed them. I don’t know how to let them go. They only get released when justice is served but when it’s not, those feelings remain. I haven’t been in a real fight since I was 16 years old in high school. That fight scared me. I picked up a guy and threw him with such force and savagery and then pounced on him, grabbed his head and locked him up. His life was literally in my hands. I could have killed him. I could have snapped his neck in seconds. Thankfully I caught myself before the teachers arrived and I let him go. Afterwards I thought about what I did, what I was capable of. I did what I’ve always done; I was minding my own business. But sometimes that’s not good enough. There are shitty people out there, evil people too and those people will force your hands. After I felt the power of my rage, I began to understand why I needed to control it. From that point on I decided I would not fight, I would not show that part of me ever again if I could help it. In that regard, I have succeeded. I have been held up at gunpoint, attacked, threatened and have had many things happen to me in the 25 years since then. I’ve been able to keep the darkness at bay. I’ve been upset, emotional but not out of control. It’s not easy.

I know it’s just a bike, but this was my bike, taken from where I live and I feel violated. The thought of being violated this way, my second bike stolen in 7 months, fills me with rage. What would I do if I saw my bike, if someone was riding it? I find myself staring at every bike I see. Each one comes into view with incredible curiosity followed by extreme jealousy. When they first catch my eye I get scared and excited, wondering if they are riding my bike. Then after I’ve stared them down and confirm that their bike is their own, I become somber. That’s when the loss arrives. I envy them for having the freedom to go for a ride. I feel like I’ve been cheated. But do you know what’s worse than feeling cheated? The feeling of being cheated and then someone kicking you when you’re down.

Let’s move to the day after I discovered my bike was stolen.

I received a friend request from someone I didn’t know. He also posted on my stolen bike facebook post that was shared in the Buffalo Stolen Bike group writing; “I know who got it”. I quickly accepted his friend request and messaged him. My faith in people was on the way to being restored. This stranger was going to help me! I looked at his FB page… pictures of his significant other and a child, real posts- okay this seems like the profile of a real person. I was also able to ascertain that he was 18-19 years old so I had to be ready for the young-speak… meaning; slang, abbreviations, text language and expressions. I asked the kid if he had information. He told me it was a Mexican guy from Hertel Avenue who did it. Okay, did he know more? He told me he had a name and address. I asked if he could share that information and he replied; “Yes”. I waited a few minutes waiting for him to do just that and there was no reply. Finally I asked him how I can get him to tell me that info and he told me it “has a price”. My heart sank. Really? He posted on my stolen bike post and in it I did mention how broke I was. Was this guy just messing with me? Was he the thief himself? To humor him I asked him how much his price was. He answered “$30. And I’ll go wit u to get him.” This sent my mind racing. He’ll go with me to get him? What is going on here?

When I was a kid on the lower west side, I wasn’t the most street savvy dude but I learned to recognize many set ups and most cons. This didn’t feel right. I would go with this kid I don’t know to confront a thief that he knows? That seemed very dangerous for me. I asked him how I could trust he was on the level not to mention how I could get my bike back. He replied that he’d go with me right now if I didn’t believe him. That hardly made me feel better about it. He told me this thief also stole his phone. I wasn’t sure I was buying this. I mean, why wouldn’t he call the police? If the guy took his phone and he knew how to find him? I politely thanked the kid and told him I didn’t have any money nor could I go for an impromptu visit to potentially see a guy who broke into my basement, smashed my storage locker door and stole my property. I would need 3 things to go on that ride. 1-a bulletproof vest, 2-a gun and 3-half a bottle of Jack.

As the night went on I was processing the conversation that was had and wondering how honest, if at all this kid was. I think he sensed my doubt. He told me he wasn’t lying and that he had proof. Okay, what proof? He quickly replied that he had the name and address. I asked him; “Don’t you think we should get the police involved?” He surprisingly agreed. I wasn’t expecting that. I thought the mere mention of the police would scare this kid off. He told me it wasn’t right that this guy was stealing people’s stuff. I agreed. I told him that I’d have the money and we’d take care of this tomorrow. He’d get back his phone and me, my bike. He was cool with it. I was anything but cool. I couldn’t sleep again that night as I was running over everything that was said, wondering if this kid was really trying to help or if he was affiliated with or the thief himself. I’d have some answers tomorrow.

The next morning I got an early start, took a bus to the bank and got out a little bit of money. I contacted the kid, told him I was ready to move on this guy. Now I was going to find out if he was serious. He told me he was in but that he couldn’t do it until he got out of school. I asked him when that would be. “3:30”. That was several hours I’d have to wait, meanwhile this guy could potentially sell my bike or some of its’ parts. I asked the kid if he couldn’t just give me the info, so I could move on him with the police. I promised him that if his information was credible I would get him the money. He refused to tell me anything. He said he didn’t trust that I’d pay him. I didn’t think it was fair that I was supposed to trust him but he couldn’t trust me. At this point, I didn’t think this kid was interested in helping me. He was interested in the money and perhaps setting me up. I had been through a rough few days and now I was playing games. My emotions were wearing thin. I had come to the decision that if he went to the police with me, then I’d know he was serious about catching this dude and actually helping me. That was my litmus test. The police would prove his legitimacy.

He told me he would meet me at the police station when he got out of school at 3:30. Since he told me this guy lived on Hertel, I figured okay, there’s a police station on Hertel. Let’s meet there. Waiting the next several hours until it was almost go time was so hard. I walked up Hertel ave. I looked at every porch, up the side of every house wondering if I’d see my bike. Wouldn’t that be great… to find it without this kid and his financial demands? I walked through housing projects; up and down the most rundown parts of Hertel Ave. No luck. Despite seeing nothing, it probably helped to burn off some of the anxiety and nervous energy that filled me since I found out that my bike was gone… plus I had a lot of time to kill.

I arrived at the police station at 2:45. I sat out in front. It was a gorgeous day. The only thing that could have made it better was getting my bike and my life back with the thief getting arrested. I waited until it was a few minutes before 3:30 and I messaged the kid. I asked him if he was ready. He said he’d be there in a few. Then he asked me which bus was needed to get there. Where was he? He was on South Park. Ugh. If that’s where he actually was it was going to take a while before he could get to the police station on Hertel. I told him which buses to take. He said he was coming. So I sat there. Again, I knew if this kid showed up and provided the information, it would be worth it. I would have paid $30 to get my bike back, if it was unharmed and how it was when it left. I wasn’t going to pay if this kid provided information that was incorrect, bull or if it was too late and my bike was sold or gone.

The South Park bus and the Elmwood both run pretty frequently at this time of day. Those are the buses I told him to take. I began to question if this kid was actually coming. I asked once again if he could give me the name and address because the clock was ticking and it was going to take him at least an hour to arrive. I promised to pay him. He again refused. He said we have to go together. He said he had to get there and “see the money” before he revealed anything. I was on the brink of pulling out. Now he was inferring that he needed the money first before we went to see this guy. That wasn’t going to happen. But I played along in the context of our conversation to see if I could get something out of him. I asked; “So you aren’t going to say anything until after you get paid? How do I know the information is legit?” He responded; “Cuz I will go to the house with you. And talk to him normal so the cops can get him.” Now it sounded like he knew the guy and wanted to talk to him before the police were involved. That wasn’t going to work. Who’s to say this kid didn’t just go into his own house “talk” to the guy who I’d never see and then come out and tell me the bike was already sold. Oh well, sorry about your bike and $30. Maybe the kid was going to lead me into an ambush of some kind. I couldn’t trust him at all. I probably trusted him far more than I should have, pretty much since the moment he told me the information had “a price”.

One hour and twenty minutes later I figured this kid had to be getting close. I messaged him to check on his progress and asked which bus he had to take again. What the fuck?!?! An hour and twenty minutes and apparently he hadn’t gone anywhere. It was then I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt he wasn’t going to meet me at the police station. I was also now convinced he was involved somehow. I told him to forget it. I unfriended him and haven’t spoken to him since. I had my bike stolen and then I had this jerk kick me when I was down. I hoped this kid would help restore my faith in people. Instead now I’m even more cynical, more skeptical, more untrusting and bitter. The absence of freedom is a tough road to travel on… especially when you don’t have wheels.  

Buffalove/Buffalost - a poem for home

“Buffalove/Buffalost”  by Eddie Gomez

I think I hurt my eyes staring at too many sunsets

Never knowing how lucky I was, the only major city in the northeast

Where the sun sets over the water, if only it were a little hotter

All they see is the cold and ice but the view is so nice

Here, you can experience 4 seasons in one day… I only wish you could stay

Then you could wipe away the stereotypes from your eyes and see the beauty.

The place I was born, cold or warm, I love my city…  But not everyone does

From an afterthought to none, since 1901, they say we’re cursed,

On a losing streak, or worse- our outlook always bleak but

We’ve survived countless tragedies and mistakes…

Stanley Cup failure and Super Bowl heartbreaks

So you think you know embarrassment? How about during your city’s biggest moment

Someone shoots the president. We couldn’t stop it.

Nor could we stop our jobs from moving overseas, leaving us with the residue and waste

Placed underground and on every corner, like generations of hard work erased

Leaving a dead city of job mourners

I find suburban sprawl to be a culture choke but you say its economic growth

I guess THAT kind of doublespeak, is for rich folks

Even after they dropped their expressways onto our parkways 

with the ease of a plow on snow days, we weren’t phased

Beautiful green and trees, now gray and paved, those who were saved left for another place

But this is where I drew my first breath, I inhaled and everybody left

I exhale and I learn, they probably won’t return, out of fear it’s COLD 6 months of the year

Out of fear of urban decay and October surprises, but the real surprise is… we’re still here

I’ve seen enough starving artists to know
why many leave Buffalo

Send our best to New York and Chicago (literally)

They may know why they left but not what they leave behind

Starving artists, swallowing their pride but still hungry inside

Are we the City of good neighbors or the City of good haters?

We use the change of seasons to justify our reasons but I don’t believe it

if you like your city pre-assembled and easy, then go ahead and leave it

But if you take pride in building blocks, taking something that is not

And turning it into something that was never going to be, don’t leave

People talk about comebacks but some of us never left.

Through all the defections and imported beers, We’re still here

We’re talking proud but we’re thin skinned

Maybe until the Bills win or the kids come back, things will stay like that

But we’ll still lay out the welcome mat and ask for a fair chance

Go on and check out our food, festivals and sights, Niagara Falls and architectural delights

We’ve always been more than chicken wings and novelty
more than blizzards and poverty

So forget what you read, this place is not dead

and if you bothered to see for yourself instead
you’d know how we roll…

our city...
smells like cheerios

I look down my street and I see more than a punchline, more than our mistakes

More than a checkered past, I see past all of the hate

A foundation of doubt thought about long ago
by those who left, tapped out or chose to stay home

While we stuck shovels into the earth, moved back all the dirt and rebuilt our dreams

And now I can see beyond my eyes, I see a city on the rise…
I guess

staring into sunsets can do that to you

Thank you

"Thank you"

Have you ever met someone so awful

so selfish

so terrible

that you wanted to thank them?

They made you so angry

your hands became fists

your blood boiled 

and your eyelids twitched

But afterwards

you’re kinda glad you crossed paths 

and thankful they exist… 

wait, what?

You’re left confused that someone who annoyed you 

could have meaning in your life

but I’m here to tell you why

There’s a reason we wake up in the morning 

That’s nature’s way of showing us the bright side

I know the secret as to why life is so good

because it isn’t good all the time

Where would we be 

without a little difficulty? 

We’d get bored, weak and crazy

The bumps in the road 

and the people who have the guts to tell us no 

help us grow

I mean

I haven’t learned much of anything from those who always agree.

Who nod their heads

fill me full of hot air 

and follow me

Our failures… 

Being wrong

falling down

they make us stronger

and that character we now embrace 

wouldn’t exist if everything fell into place

Could you truly have any joy 

without first feeling pain?

We wouldn’t know the first thing about sunny days 

until it rains

I’m not saying to embrace the storm

you should try to keep warm

But running inside to stay dry 

wouldn’t mean a thing without gray skies

I wouldn’t know the joy of work 

without the stains in my shirts

I wouldn’t know the value of sweat 

without having my body hurt

No pain

no gain

I look at all this knowledge I’ve gained 

and I just have to say

thanks

Am I looking forward to the pain? 

no

but we need some of these things

just not in extremes

I’m not talking about death or war

a lifetime alone 

or hopelessly poor

but you gotta go through at least one heartbreak 

to know what your heart is for…

You have to lose something 

to understand what finding it means

Dreams

wouldn’t mean that much without a nightmare or two

Strange as it seems

they’re good for you

You have to let things out 

to know what was there

because courage is meaningless 

until you’re scared

We need a yin to our yang

a balance to attain

we need to know 

that we’re not alone

Besides

what good is climbing the tallest peak 

without anyone to share it

What good is a smile 

if you’re the only one who wears it?

If you give someone a gift

you’re the one who’s gifted

If you want a better perspective in life

then you have to flip it

What would coffee be without mornings?

What would a destination be without the ride?

We have to get embarrassed a few times 

before we can know anything about pride

As much as I want to overcome adversity

a little bit goes a long way 

to understanding the value of better days

What I’m trying to say 

is we have to get through the hard times

to find the good ones

to find the best ones

So I wish you a few bumps in the road 

so you can learn to survive them

so you can learn to appreciate when the path is smooth

what winning is like after you lose

The next time you go through 

a rough patch 

remember

when you come out the other end

You’re going to come out wiser 

if you embrace the lesson 

I say thank you to those who are always in a rush

you remind me to enjoy my pace

Those who speak without thinking remind me to embrace 

my words

and those who hate show us the value of love

The louder you get

the tighter we hug

We’ll never let the darkness ruin our days

because nights only have half the say

so when your head hangs low

just know

the sun is coming

the bright side is on its’ way

Let the rain come down (8-3-17)

Yesterday was an exercise in the emotional ups and downs of life- a reminder that life is what you make it. It started off by seeing Mnemosyne. Watching Paul play wonderfully and Angela dance gracefully and beautifully, especially after what happened to her recently was simply inspiring. Next I made my way down to Kleinhans for my last solo Infringement show. Only a few folks showed up but they were wonderful and I read for them. I read many positive pieces and my new one; Disappointment is a Dish Best Served at Home"; a piece about the struggles of local artists. That's where my head's been at lately.

I scurried down to Spot Downtown to try to catch the Pure Ink National Team perform but alas I was late and missed them. Unfortunately we were scheduled at around the same time. Disappointment was beginning to set in. My faith in others, my faith in myself has been shaky lately. I needed something to bring me back.

I then headed to Mohawk Place for the Prince vs Bowie dance party, found a seat and sat my conflicted ass down. Then something wonderful happened. I watched the magic and beauty of a room full of folks, with more coming in all the time, dancing to Prince and David. There was so much joy in this place, I was sure to catch it. A smile came over me. Much thanks to Leslie for creating this event. After my spirits were lifted and my faith restored, I hit the stage to perform my Prince tribute poem "Purple Hearts". When I finished paying tribute to the greatest, several folks came over to me to express their love and thanks. A few people told me I made them or even their mom cry. I took a breath and thought sometimes I just can't see my own worth; the things I am capable to giving to others. I thought that maybe I am more than I think I am.

After watching a few performances I went outside, unlocked my bike and started the long ride home from downtown. I felt really good, like I had ended on a high note. I got about a quarter of the way home and suddenly the skies opened up. I stopped under a tree, put my valuables in a baggie, loaded them into my pack and began to despair once again. I thought of course it’s pouring when I have this long ride home. I wanted to feel dread but a strange thing happened. A smile came over me. I thought, you know, this could be quite refreshing. I resumed my journey home with my newfound attitude serving as a raincoat for my soul. I rode up Elmwood and the lightning filled the sky, the thunder echoed across the air. Save for a few cars, no one was out. It was raining too hard. Puddles were abundant, I rode through a few. Within minutes I was completely soaked so any additional rain didn't matter. Let the rain come down. The harder it rained, the more I smiled. Some words came out. I sang "I never meant to cause you any sorrow. I never meant to cause you any pain." Before I knew I was singing Purple Rain as I slowly made my way up Elmwood Avenue. I didn't stop or lower my voice as I passed people running to their cars or a cab. I sang that entire song, the guitar alive in my mind, my hands banging on the handlebars like Bobby Z on the drums. I became the Revolution. "Honey, I know times are changing". I arrived home as wet as any person can be outside of the bedroom. I was exhausted from both the physical and emotional rides I took yesterday but I was pleasantly satisfied. At least for one night, the world made sense. I think I'm gonna be alright.

Finishing an awful chapter… (3-30-17)

You can’t start the next chapter until you finish the current one. You can quit the current one, put it off, even run from it but you need closure before you can begin the next one. Whatever that closure is, it’s necessary. It’s what frees you to explore, to keep moving. Have you ever run into a situation where you have to complete the chapter, even if it’s absolutely brutal and you want to move on? You have to finish every agonizing part of it. Then to make matters worse, you lose control of when and how you can complete it. You’re on someone else’s schedule now and they will force you to finish it. All you can do is wait and react for when you have permission. It kind of takes the fun out of it, right? That’s how I had been feeling lately. Like someone was forcing me to write a chapter of my own story that I objected to. It's a frustrating cake with angry icing. I have been choking it down for weeks.

If you follow my blogs, you’d know all about the girl down the hall at my old place. You’d know about the crazy incidents, the fights, the arrests and my misery around all of it. I hated my old apartment. I took a chance on a new neighborhood, tried something different and it didn’t work. I had crazy, violent neighbors, bar people in front of my place screaming every night and my bike got stripped down to its’ skeleton in broad daylight! I had daily anxiety and so much stress that I gained 35 pounds in 4 months! When the opportunity arose to get the hell out of there, I took it. Shortly after I made arrangements to leave the girl down the hall was evicted for not paying her rent. Go figure. She and her cast of live-in partygoers and domestic abusers were a major problem but they weren’t the only one. Plus who knows who or what would have moved in next. I mean, they allowed this idiot to move in. I had extremely low confidence in the management.

If I could do it all again I would have approached the management and told them everything that was happening and about my intention to leave instead of jumping the gun a bit, whether I felt I had a good reason or not. I thought that I could break my lease but in the end I discovered technically I could not and upon delivering my 30-day written notice to management I was immediately told of their intention to sue me for the duration of my lease, in fact they filed a lawsuit against me the very next day! I was surprised by this. If I tell you I want to leave, don’t you think you’d ask why? Prior to my leaving I didn’t tell them about all the crazy stuff that was going on, despite having kept a journal of events complete with dates and times. Since my apartment was the only one between the girl down the hall and the outside door and also due to the fact that many of the hallway incidents occurred literally right outside my door, I felt like if I snitched on them, they’d know it was me and I didn’t want to deal with that added stress, of constantly looking over my shoulder coming in and out of the building or having a specific reason to feel threatened. I’ve seen this happen in the past. These were people who had guns and no regard of the law, proven by the fact that there was more than one arrest over a few weeks and then pride afterwards at how many cops it took to restrain them, or how difficult they made their job. I didn’t want to get mixed up in that, nor did I want to live next to it anymore. So I made arrangements to leave. The management never showed any concern for my situation, never asked, never cared about anything other than the money. They are a business and that’s their right but the guy who owned the company is filthy rich already. He owns 20-something buildings locally including 400 rental units all over town and a hotel. He’s not hurting for money. Nor would it have been much trouble to re-rent my apartment, who for a different personality, might be a dream spot.

I did not want to go to court and lose a judgment to him because of the money but more so having that on my record. I’d get blacklisted by all the rental companies in the area. They’re all doing credit and background checks these days. So I studied what my rights were and began to prepare for court. I tried to get free legal assistance from a few community based legal groups who help lower income folks with their legal issues. Unfortunately or fortunately, I made a little too much money to qualify for these groups. I was on my own.

I was ready to present a narrative of someone who couldn’t bear to live in that apartment any longer. I was afraid of the neighbors, afraid I’d get sucked into some violent drama, annoyed at the constant noise from the bar people outside my window every night after midnight, dismayed at how unhappy I was that I gained 35 pounds in 4 months and had to leave for the sake of my mental health. This wasn’t an exaggeration.

Could I have handled things better? Of course but I was not going to allow this dude to win a judgment of over $4,000 against me. I was going to fight. So I read everything I could about small claims court; presentation, how to prepare and what things I should focus on in my argument. I wasn’t trying to get out of my lease scot free but I was trying to keep the damage fair and as mild as possible. In my mind, I could pay him one additional month’s rent and maybe he could keep my deposit which he already had. I thought that was fair. In the weeks leading up to the court date I had to pack, move and had so much on my plate while all the while I knew in the back of my mind that this day in court hung over me almost as heavily as actually living there during the circus that drove me out. Did I want to leave it up to a judge to decide? The fact of the matter was I was breaking a lease that still had 7 months on it. I had my reasons and to me they were vital but in court they could be debatable. What if he was awarded 3 months rent? That would be too much to bear and I would be livid just on principle. I get why leases have to be so strict because there are a lot of deadbeats out there, people who would try to screw over property owners and disappear into the abyss. I wasn’t one of those people so after reading any and all information I could find over 2 weeks I decided to introduce a new tactic; humbling up.

I sent the landlord a text, apologizing for how screwed up things had become. I also told him I would be willing to do whatever I could to help him find a new tenant. I also laid on pretty thick how poor I am for three reasons: 1- to see if I could generate any sympathy from the guy, 2- to remind him that I would be very difficult to collect from in the case of a large financial judgment and 3- to get him to accept a smaller amount as a settlement. I wasn’t lying to the guy, I’m not made of money but I still painted a picture of a poor, scared tenant that panicked who really isn’t a bad guy nor is trying to hide from the problem. I made sure all our communications were through text so that anything that was said, I’d have a record of and could use in court if necessary.

By re-opening the lines of communication my mind was put a little at ease as he replied that he would like me to have the place as clean as possible so he could start showing the apartment in order to mitigate both our damages. This gave me some optimism as I knew if he put an ad up on Craigslist and put forth an effort he might even have a new tenant by the time I left at the end of March. After all, there was still 3 weeks left in March at the time it was discussed. He said he’d put an ad in. In an effort to make things easier all around I actually moved out on March 22^nd instead of the end of the month. I came the next morning and cleaned the heck out of the place. The apartment actually looked better than it did when I moved in 5 months earlier, plus the cigarette stench was gone. When I saw the place the first time, the previous tenant still lived there and knew we were coming so he had some incense burning to hide it but when I started arriving with boxes the day after this guy moved out the smell was suffocating. The carpet, the ceiling tiles, everything reeked of cigarettes. It took weeks and a whole lot of effort to finally get that smell out of there. I was now leaving an apartment that smelled of scrubbing bubbles and pine sol.

As the court date was fast approaching a funny thing happened, he didn’t put up an ad. He wasn’t making any attempt to fill the place, even after I left. I took note of this in case I had to use this information in court. Here’s a studio in one of the most vibrant areas of the city. Yeah it was a small place and it surely wasn’t for me, but for someone else it might be perfect. I didn’t think it would be empty for long.

I decided for my last act before our court date to make an offer for settlement. If he accepts it, great and if he doesn’t I would have it on record that I was trying to work out something reasonable with the guy. So I texted him and told him I could probably scrape together one month’s rent for him. He responded that he would accept that, cancel our lease and the court proceedings if I also would forfeit/surrender my security deposit as well. I thought about it. He already had my deposit so what he was asking for wasn’t any “new” money. The lease stated that upon moving I was going to be charged $75 for a cleaning fee regardless and I believe there were a few other small charges as well. Do I accept his counter offer, do I counter back myself or do I take my chances in court? After considering what would be best I decided to accept his counter offer of one month’s rent and he keeps my deposit. That was what I would have been looking for in court anyway, besides, I thought it was more than fair for him, all things considered.

I told him I needed to see our agreement in writing. He said he’d have it in writing the next morning and I could come down and pay the rent, sign it and we’d be good so the next morning I went down, paid, signed, got receipts and copies of everything and left feeling lighter. I had just moved into my new place and there were issues and projects I wanted to tackle there. I didn’t want to worry or dwell on this past chapter any longer and I had been doing nothing but for nearly a month. The settlement agreement had only one provision, he would cancel our lease and court date if I paid and after he inspected the place to make sure I didn’t cause any damage.

Well as I mentioned, I cleaned the hell out of the place so I expected that this was over. But before I could turn the page we still had the matter of a court date 6 days away. We had a settlement and I had proof I met my end of it but as the days drew nearer to the big day, I received no communication that my case was canceled, dismissed or that I shouldn’t go. While I knew that any decision by the court could be appealed I was not about to miss court unless I received some official word that I didn’t have to go.

This morning I got up far earlier than I’d prefer, hopped on the bus and made my way there, ready for anything, whether that meant showing copies of the settlement paperwork, arguing my case, proving I left the place in good shape, whatever it could be I was ready. I arrived ten minutes early and the bell in the elevator dinged signaling my floor. I walked out of the elevator to a very empty place. There were 2 people on the entire floor and when I saw who it was, I smirked and thought, of course it’s them.

Sitting right outside the courtroom I needed to report to was the girl from down the hall and her mother. That same mother who introduced herself to me the day I was moving in and assured me that my new home was a “great place” with “really nice people, and so quiet”. That was why I smirked. I walked past them like I didn’t know them and sat down further down the long hall. It’s not like I didn’t have my choice of seats. The girl looked at me and she knew who I was. She probably didn’t know I moved considering she got evicted a few weeks after I gave notice but a few weeks before I left. She might have even wondered what I was doing there. Since she showed up she planned to fight as well and not just let the guy win a default judgment against her. I heard her and her mother talking about how management didn’t fix her bathtub or how some light in the hallway didn’t work. She was going to try to say she didn’t pay rent and was evicted because she was withholding money over the landlord not performing their duties as they should have. Right. I wondered if she thought I was there to help the management testify against her and what she did to ruin the place; all the parties, the noise, the endless fights, arrests, etc. Oh the stories I could tell…

The judge was 45 minutes late so I had plenty of time to go over every scenario, rehearse all my answers and rebuttals if necessary. I felt like I was prepared for every possible scenario. When the judge finally arrived something else occurred to me… conspicuous by his absence was my former landlord. He didn’t show. I know he and I had a settlement but from what I could tell, he didn’t have a settlement with the girl down the hall. Since no one representing the management’s side showed up, within a few minutes both her case and my case were dismissed because the other party, the plantiff, wasn't there. A thought crossed my mind, was this his play the whole time? Was he never planning on showing up or did he not show up because he and I settled and he got paid already? That’s something I’ll wonder about for a little while. I paid one month’s rent to get out of seven, so I’m not crying but I do wonder. Also, if he wasn’t gonna show and he and I are cool, I wish the mofo would have told me so I wouldn’t have had to drag my tired ass down to court at 9am for no reason.

I left the courthouse mildly annoyed but greatly relieved. This nightmare was finally over. After 5 of the worst months I’ve ever known I feel like I can finally move on with my life. I’ve been reunited with people and cats that I missed terribly for those 5 difficult months and I feel a sense of peace I haven’t felt in quite a while. My mind is drifting to thinking creatively about what can happen for me rather than obsessively about what could happen to me. That means getting back to my poetry, performing and writing again. It’s like Maslow’s hierarchy of needs theory says; once the basic and psychological needs are met, then self fulfillment can be addressed. Now that I’m not stressing every second about crazy neighbors, worrying about what’s going to happen, wondering what I should do, then worrying about moving and being sued, it will be nice to have my overactive mind at ease, able to dream again, able to throw myself into my work again.

Right before I posted this, I decided to check craigslist one last time, to see if he finally listed my old apartment yet and wouldn’t you know, at that moment, it was the first ad I saw at the top of the page. He’s even asking for more rent now too. It may be petty but I'm hoping the prick doesn’t get someone to rent it until next month so he doesn’t get double rent for April. With that I clicked to a different webpage and it was like I changed the channel on the remote, except this was a channel I was never going to watch again. Now that I’m finished with it, I can just turn it off and move on. That’s the last time I ever look at that chapter of my life again. Good luck and goodbye.

The girl down the hall – part 2 (2-5-17)

Almost 2 weeks ago I told the story of the girl down the hall from me. The mid-20 something year old girl who has a 5 year old who doesn’t live with her and who I’ve never seen or heard in the building despite her facebook page listing her as a “stay at home mommy”. Since my apartment is the first one after the door and stairway, everyone who comes in and out passes by me. I hear conversations I don’t want to hear. I get subjected to all kinds of disturbances and annoyances that I would rather do without. In the first story, I talked about how she’s 3 months or so pregnant and how her boyfriend, who I think is the father, is a complete psychopath with no regard for anyone or anybody. I told you about his arrest for trying to fight and rob people in front of the building on Hertel Avenue. What I’ve learned since then is that his “job” appears to be trying to sell phones, jewelry and electronics to people. Kind of a travelling salesman of the shady kind because who knows where he gets these things. He pulled a guy off the street, brought him into the hallway and sold him a “brand new” iphone right outside my door. He’s very violent, belligerent and he’s so incredibly loud. I hear him screaming all the time, whether he’s happy or upset. He’s unbalanced and lives every moment like it’s his last… but in a bad way.

Now as for me I’ve been trying really hard to not get involved, AT ALL. I’m not talking to anybody, I don’t want to see anybody and I’m not going to go out in the hallway to politely ask a guy who was bragging on the phone about his arrest to a friend, how he spit on all the police officers and told them repeatedly to suck his dick. I’m not asking a guy who was so proud that he had to be restrained in a special chair at the police station, to please be considerate of other people in the building. After listening to this guy for a few weeks, I have a pretty good idea of how that conversation would go. He’d be defiant, insulting and probably try to fight me, because how dare I step up to him like that, and then in a face to face, disrespectful situation like that I’m afraid of what I might do. I don’t want anyone to die, not me, not someone else. I just want to be a tenant in a building occupied by rational, respectful ADULTS, not a target, or someone who has to buy a gun so I can leave my apartment. I’m not going there. I have enough darkness in my life.

So I’ve been compiling every incident in a journal with dates and times. When I paid my rent earlier this week I thought about handing it in to the management but something told me it wasn’t quite time yet. Frankly, part of me was concerned that they’d knew it was me who blew them in and you know the code of the streets, snitches get stitches. Again, I don’t want to be a target. I’ve been having these internal arguments where I want to report on all of it, the owners should know what’s going on in their building and I shouldn’t have to deal this shit but at the same time, I’m waiting for the right time to do it, you now, trying to pick my spot.

Yesterday I visited a friend of mine and when she asked me about the building situation I told her I’m trying to stay out of it and be patient because these people are too volatile, the situation is too crazy to last long term. You’ve got essentially a very stupid girl renting the apartment who doesn’t have a job and whose child doesn’t live with her. Then you have another female staying there, and their 2 boyfriends who appear to know each other. The psycho guy comes and goes. I heard him talking in the hallway on the phone to one of his “bitches” so I think he has other girls to party with and other places to stay but the other guy, who dates apartment girl’s friend, well he’s been living here, pretty much since the disturbances started 3 weeks ago. He’s the asshole who smokes in the hallway and is the reason I sealed my doors so that the smoke couldn’t get in my place.

Last night, that guy might have taken himself out of the equation. Around 10:30 last night, the girl who’s been staying in apartment 9 the last few weeks ran out into the hallway. She was basically right outside my door and she screamed; “That’s it! You put your hands on me and now I’m calling the cops!” the guy followed out into the hallway and this started basically a literally half hour screaming match up and down the stairs and out in front of the building where the guy was basically telling her to “suck his dick”, calling her a “crazy bitch” and making sure she understood that “I’m not fucking with you anymore anyway”. She kept screaming about how she was going to call the police and how he was going to pay for putting his hands on her. So yes, for half an hour they just went back and forth, up and down the steps and not only was I not going to get involved but I had a smirk on my face. I couldn’t wait for the police to arrive. Yes, I had some compassion for the female, but these people have been making my life a hell for weeks, waking me up constantly, partying every night, making it hard for me to get to sleep, making me feel unsafe in my own place, so my satisfaction that this drama was unfolding was a guiltless satisfaction. It’s hard for me to feel sympathy for people who treat me with disrespect and who continue to make terrible choices. I’d help anyone in a normal situation but this wasn’t a normal situation. These people need help beyond the means of which I can provide… and they were about to get it.

When 2 vehicles pulled up to the house I was surprised. It wasn’t the police but the parents/relatives of the girl who was assaulted. By this time, the argument had moved back inside of apartment 9. Two people, who didn’t actually “live” in apartment 9 were trying to tell the other to move out and leave. I thought, well this is going to get interesting. Within a minute I heard a man screaming that he was going to knock the attacker out, but the abuser was defiant. He wouldn’t let go of the girl’s arm. From what I can tell there was some pushing and shoving, many threats back and forth and I heard a little bit of wrestling or contact in the hall. Then I heard the father say something about the abuser having a gun. Oh boy. Yes, that’s when I decided it would be a good idea to grab my phone and lay flat on the floor. I’m not trying to get shot over some other’s people’s crazy shit. Before I could call the police, someone in the hall did. The father decided at this point not to try to throw the guy out but to instead get his daughter out of Dodge. They made it down to the downstairs door and the street and were trying to leave to wait for the police but the abuser would not release the girl’s arm. A tug of war was underway.

Suddenly a police car came flying up, stopped in the middle of the street and the abuser released her arm and ran up the driveway beside my building. The police gave chase. Perhaps if he had taken out the trash at all in the last 3 or so weeks he might have known that the driveway leads to a little parking lot behind the restaurant next door but there’s no way out, There were 5 foot concrete walls, with tall fences on top of them. A minute or so later the police emerged with him, shackled him up and threw him in the car; all the while he was screaming and freaking out, not unlike the other crazy guy who was arrested almost 2 weeks ago. Other police cars arrived on the scene and although there weren’t as many as there were last week (6), there were quite a few and once again, another crazy guy was being taken to jail. I couldn’t help but feel joy over this. I thought, wow not only did they get all their drama finished this time before midnight; also now it’s going to be sooo quiet tonight. Maybe I’ll even be able to enjoy the Super Bowl in peace this weekend. I went to bed relaxed and peaceful. Perhaps this situation is working itself out after all. But I also think it may be time to turn in my incident journal to management on Monday.

p.s. As I was getting ready to post this, the girl who was attacked last night showed up alone and collected all of her clothes and belongings, like 5 garbage bags full. I guess she’s moving out. This is a positive sign. Because if she’s moving out there a lot less chance that the attacker from last night will be moving back in when he gets out of jail.