Happy Christmas. I’ve always liked that better than Merry Christmas. Oh, who am I kidding… if you get anything out of me, it’s probably happy holidays or a “you too” after you wish some version of it to me. I always feel like a party pooper this time of year because this holiday means so little to me now. I wish it didn’t but that’s just how it turned out. Sure I like a good Christmas movie like Die Hard or Gremlins or Scrooge and yeah I listen to Xmas music the week of, but I have no tree, no decorations. I only exchange gifts with 1 or 2 people. I’m grateful for the time off work but if it weren’t for some of the vibes I take in the few days leading up to Xmas, this wouldn’t be much different than Labour Day or Memorial Day to me. When I was a kid, I loved Xmas even though my family was poor and I barely got anything I wanted. Despite that, the feelings were rich and vibrant. I still had the spirit. The gifts were lean, the table was practically empty and most times we’d either take the bus or my dad would drop my mom, my younger sister and I at my grandmother’s house for a holiday feast in the burbs. I was always embarrassed to be there because we could never afford presents for anyone while aunts and uncles I’d only see or hear from that one time a year had gotten me something, sometimes a lot of things. My father almost never joined us as my white grandmother was openly racist and my Puerto Rican father couldn’t stand her. Hell, if he knew she was stopping by our house on any day, he’d have 3-4 beers just to get into the right mindset to be near her. Still, it was in that complicated environment where I would get a taste of what Christmas could be like.
After I reached college age, the family get togethers began to fade. Christmas began to mean less to me. It tends to do that without family and loved ones. I likened it to Halloween as I just brushed it off and thought these holidays were for the young. Most of my adult life, if I ever did anything on xmas, it would be getting together with friends. Sometimes I’d be dining alone at India Gate on Christmas night or picking up Chinese take out from Great Wall. Some years I’d go nowhere at all. In the last ten years and throughout most of my 40s this has become the norm. I never married. Never had any kids. I’ve only ever dated someone during Xmas twice in my life. Most of the year I rather enjoy being alone. Well, enjoy might be too strong a word but tolerate isn’t strong enough. I’m generally content I guess. I like having my space and time. I like things as uncomplicated and drama free as possible. But yeah, this time of year is one of the few times where loneliness arrives, where I have those thoughts about choices I’ve made. What if I had a wife for 20 years and/or teenage children? Maybe they’d be in college now. Maybe they’d have finished. Frankly I was such a late bloomer, there was no way me getting married or having kids was a good idea. I dunno, it just wasn’t my path. I swear this is the only holiday that makes you think of the holiday that could have been instead of what it is. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not humbugging Christmas. For me, internally I wish it was just another day but externally I’m constantly reminded it is not. Christmas is everywhere.
Today’s the day where I ponder alternate paths. I do feel sadness for at least today. I’m not going to deny it. For those of you enjoying the day, please don’t take any of it for granted. I see your posts, pictures and your videos and it usually brings me joy because regardless of how things are for me, I want the best for you. I want all of you to enjoy this holiday with your favorite people, in your favorite places, and I enjoy getting confirmation that you are. When I see all the Christmas stuff it saddens me after a while, but when I see and hear of people I know enjoying it, that has the opposite effect. I often say I don’t miss the things I’ve never had but I do miss the feeling of getting 9 GI Joes for Xmas 1986. I have no idea how my father could afford it. I miss the Puerto Rican rice pudding that blew my mind at a few family get-togethers. I miss the Xmas cookies, the checking in with people I never see, putting faces to names. I even miss the amaretto and cranberry or pints of stout I might have raised to offer cheers once upon a time. I miss the feeling that even I, the outcast, the introvert who never fits in anywhere could belong to a shared moment. My mind spins. I don’t know where I am anymore, except that I am here, like my own ghost of Christmas past, not here to frighten me or to convince me to change my ways, but to remind me that some wonderful things happened on this day, like a facebook memories post from my entire life on this day, in more vivid detail.
I’m not writing this looking for sympathy or anything. Descartes once said; I think therefore I am. For me, it’s more I feel therefore I write. While I hope all of you are enjoying the day, if any of you are not. If any of you feel the same or can relate, you aren’t alone. Maybe you miss someone. Maybe you have no one. It’s not all Santa, tinsel, presents and gingerbread for all. It is a reminder that not everyone is celebrating or making merry today and that’s okay. We do what we can with what we have. Besides, there’s surely many out there who have it far worse than my sad, reminiscing ass. I guess this is what Ferris was talking about when he said to stop and take a look around every once in a while, or risk missing life. But the question I ponder on this day is, is this me taking a look around, or have I already missed it?
