I
never remember my dreams. Maybe once in a month or two I’ll remember a
dream and that’s usually only if I wake up really early and fall back
asleep. It’s like cheating. Considering the type of waking dreams I have
during the day, I wonder what kinds of amazing dreams I have when I
sleep. I wonder why I never remember them. It gets to the point that
when I do remember a dream or components of one that I think it must
have been important somehow. Why would I remember THIS one?
Last night I had an incredible dream.
I’ve always wanted the ability to time travel. To be able to go any time I want. Yes there are some predictable things I’d do. I’d go into the future to see about my well being, to see how the world is. I’d be sure to get the lotto numbers for the next Powerball drawing, lol. Well, I’d have to be to pay my bills if I spent my days time traveling instead of working. I’d also use my wealth to impact people in a positive way, give to those who need it. Maybe I’d bring things back from the future. Thanks to Back to the Future and dozens of sci-fi stories I’ve read or seen over the years, I’m extremely paranoid and afraid of tampering with the past because of the ramifications of what could happen in an alternate reality. You just don’t know. Killing Hitler in the 1930s, stopping JFK or Dr. King from being assassinated could have different but equally terrible consequences. It could endanger the existence of things that are here now. I could even jeopardize my own existence depending on what I tamper with. Can you imagine? You change something in the past for the betterment of many but the ripple effect of that is you were never born. It sounds like a Twilight Zone episode. But the future? It hasn’t happened. It could be. It may be. Tampering with the future to make it a better future… I’d have no problem doing that.
So if I could time travel, I’d go into the future to bring back things that would benefit the present and potentially, make it an even better future. I’d go back into the past simply to take in sights, sounds and be a tourist. I’d go back in time to see Prince & the Revolution on the Purple Rain tour in 85. I’d go back and see the Doors at the Whiskey, Bowie in the mid-70s. I’d go see Jimi, Coltrane, Marvin Gaye, Otis Redding and so many great artists we’ve lost. I’d go see many musicians when they were in their prime. I’d go see Star Wars in a theater in 1978. I’d go back to walk around Buffalo 50 years ago, 100 years ago… and maybe take a few pictures. To me the past would be a vacation and the future would be more like work.
But what happens when it’s not our collective past and future, but just your own? In my dream, I had the opportunity to go back into time on a very personal level. Lately I’ve been pining for many things from my youth. I wish I could go back and live a day again in 1985, 1990, 1995. I want to watch MTV when there’s nothing but videos. I want to listen to radio stations on a regular day 35 years ago. I want to hang out in the neighborhood, sit on a porch and interact with everybody like the old days. I’ve also been binge watching That 70’s Show and I can’t help but think I would have fit in with those kids, in that era… before neo-liberalism and pushback against our progress during what I consider the be the best music era of all time. The late 70’s had it all… commercial exploitation, arena rock, funk, singer songwriters, and the birth of incredible new genres like hip hop, punk and new wave, which to me were the most important genres in music history. I keep thinking about it, growing up in that time and just taking it all in. When I was a kid I didn’t really notice or get into music until around 1983/84. That was an incredible time for music for sure. My first 3 records were Thriller, Purple Rain and Van Halen’s; 1984. I liked a lot of things, a lot of bands but never more than one genre at a time. I didn’t think you were allowed to like hip hop and hair metal at the same time. Peer pressure made sure of it. I also didn’t know who I was yet and being that I was a child, that wasn’t a serious offense. So while I enjoyed the hell out of my youth in many ways, part of me wishes I could go back and do it all again knowing everything I know now. This is where last night’s dream comes in.
In my dream I was sent back in time. I was me but I was a younger me. But it was different, I had my current mind. I was aware that I was reliving my life yet I was actually there, inside that younger version of me with the ability to alter anything I wanted. I could avoid mistakes I made and make better choices than those times where I made stupid ones. I could set my life on a completely different path. I actually knew then what I know now. It was amazing. I just had to figure out “when” am I.
I lived on Hudson Street right around the corner from Allen. So I immediately had an idea of when I was. I lived in that house for almost 10 years. I was somewhere between 9 and 19. I was coming back from something in the evening. I used my house key to get in. I walked into the house and it was just as I remembered it. My dad was still alive. I heard a kitten meow. It was from a batch of kittens our cat Peaches had. I started to zero in on when it was, how old I was. I was either 12 or 13, in junior high and right on the verge of high school. I was about to embark on what were some of the toughest years of my life. My first two years of high school were so brutal that I had suicidal thoughts, I wanted to quit school. People bullied me all the time, life was so hard then. My closest friends had all moved to other states. I was so lonely and afraid. No one liked me. But this was the time right before that period began. I still had time to change things, to be stronger. I didn't know who I was back then, but know with my current mind in that young body, I knew. I knew who I was and that would make things easier, better this time. I sat down. I started to think about it. What was I about to do? Did I want to do it? Yeah, I wanted to erase some of my worst memories, put myself in a far better position than I ended up in. But a funny thing happened on my way to my new life. I began to think about the life I was leaving behind.
I thought about my favorite people. I thought about my experiences, all the joy and fun I’ve had over the years. It dawned on me that if I do this, if I relive these years, everything I had and did would be wiped out. They’d become only the memory of another life, that didn’t exist except for in my mind. Would I try to cheat? Would I try to better my young life but still try to cross paths with the people I knew from the previous one? After all, I knew who they were, where they worked, lived, hung out, etc. Was that even possible? If I chose to go back to this point in my life and do it again in a better way, my life would move in an entirely different direction. The timing would be different. The circumstances would be different. There would be new friends, new experiences, new people in my life. It would mean a different me. I really began to think long and hard whether or not this is what I wanted. Was I willing to trade my joys, my loves, my entire life for a new one. Here I was sitting in my room in 1987... now I wasn’t so sure but was it too late? Was I now stuck here in the 12-13 year old me? Could I abort this time travel mission and return to the present? If I were stuck here, in order to have the life I already had I’d have to make pretty much all the same choices all over again. That meant the same pain and difficulty all over again but this time with the knowledge that it was going to happen instead of being hit with the adversity in real time. Depression came over me. Why did I need to wish for this? It was too much.
Then I woke up and the feeling was bittersweet. I remembered my dream and I was torn. Part of me really wanted to go back and do it better, use the wisdom I’ve picked up and become a better Eddie. But the other part of me felt like I was cheating and wasn’t willing to part with who I am to become who I could’ve been. There’s no guarantees that a re-lived, alternate life would have been a better life, a better me. Maybe we shouldn’t mess with the past. The words of Doc Brown echo in my head. Like I said earlier, if I go back, I’d go back to see things, hear things, take it in but not to change things. I understand that you can’t do it all again. I think I woke up because I made my choice. The past is a great place to visit but you can’t live there.
Last night I had an incredible dream.
I’ve always wanted the ability to time travel. To be able to go any time I want. Yes there are some predictable things I’d do. I’d go into the future to see about my well being, to see how the world is. I’d be sure to get the lotto numbers for the next Powerball drawing, lol. Well, I’d have to be to pay my bills if I spent my days time traveling instead of working. I’d also use my wealth to impact people in a positive way, give to those who need it. Maybe I’d bring things back from the future. Thanks to Back to the Future and dozens of sci-fi stories I’ve read or seen over the years, I’m extremely paranoid and afraid of tampering with the past because of the ramifications of what could happen in an alternate reality. You just don’t know. Killing Hitler in the 1930s, stopping JFK or Dr. King from being assassinated could have different but equally terrible consequences. It could endanger the existence of things that are here now. I could even jeopardize my own existence depending on what I tamper with. Can you imagine? You change something in the past for the betterment of many but the ripple effect of that is you were never born. It sounds like a Twilight Zone episode. But the future? It hasn’t happened. It could be. It may be. Tampering with the future to make it a better future… I’d have no problem doing that.
So if I could time travel, I’d go into the future to bring back things that would benefit the present and potentially, make it an even better future. I’d go back into the past simply to take in sights, sounds and be a tourist. I’d go back in time to see Prince & the Revolution on the Purple Rain tour in 85. I’d go back and see the Doors at the Whiskey, Bowie in the mid-70s. I’d go see Jimi, Coltrane, Marvin Gaye, Otis Redding and so many great artists we’ve lost. I’d go see many musicians when they were in their prime. I’d go see Star Wars in a theater in 1978. I’d go back to walk around Buffalo 50 years ago, 100 years ago… and maybe take a few pictures. To me the past would be a vacation and the future would be more like work.
But what happens when it’s not our collective past and future, but just your own? In my dream, I had the opportunity to go back into time on a very personal level. Lately I’ve been pining for many things from my youth. I wish I could go back and live a day again in 1985, 1990, 1995. I want to watch MTV when there’s nothing but videos. I want to listen to radio stations on a regular day 35 years ago. I want to hang out in the neighborhood, sit on a porch and interact with everybody like the old days. I’ve also been binge watching That 70’s Show and I can’t help but think I would have fit in with those kids, in that era… before neo-liberalism and pushback against our progress during what I consider the be the best music era of all time. The late 70’s had it all… commercial exploitation, arena rock, funk, singer songwriters, and the birth of incredible new genres like hip hop, punk and new wave, which to me were the most important genres in music history. I keep thinking about it, growing up in that time and just taking it all in. When I was a kid I didn’t really notice or get into music until around 1983/84. That was an incredible time for music for sure. My first 3 records were Thriller, Purple Rain and Van Halen’s; 1984. I liked a lot of things, a lot of bands but never more than one genre at a time. I didn’t think you were allowed to like hip hop and hair metal at the same time. Peer pressure made sure of it. I also didn’t know who I was yet and being that I was a child, that wasn’t a serious offense. So while I enjoyed the hell out of my youth in many ways, part of me wishes I could go back and do it all again knowing everything I know now. This is where last night’s dream comes in.
In my dream I was sent back in time. I was me but I was a younger me. But it was different, I had my current mind. I was aware that I was reliving my life yet I was actually there, inside that younger version of me with the ability to alter anything I wanted. I could avoid mistakes I made and make better choices than those times where I made stupid ones. I could set my life on a completely different path. I actually knew then what I know now. It was amazing. I just had to figure out “when” am I.
I lived on Hudson Street right around the corner from Allen. So I immediately had an idea of when I was. I lived in that house for almost 10 years. I was somewhere between 9 and 19. I was coming back from something in the evening. I used my house key to get in. I walked into the house and it was just as I remembered it. My dad was still alive. I heard a kitten meow. It was from a batch of kittens our cat Peaches had. I started to zero in on when it was, how old I was. I was either 12 or 13, in junior high and right on the verge of high school. I was about to embark on what were some of the toughest years of my life. My first two years of high school were so brutal that I had suicidal thoughts, I wanted to quit school. People bullied me all the time, life was so hard then. My closest friends had all moved to other states. I was so lonely and afraid. No one liked me. But this was the time right before that period began. I still had time to change things, to be stronger. I didn't know who I was back then, but know with my current mind in that young body, I knew. I knew who I was and that would make things easier, better this time. I sat down. I started to think about it. What was I about to do? Did I want to do it? Yeah, I wanted to erase some of my worst memories, put myself in a far better position than I ended up in. But a funny thing happened on my way to my new life. I began to think about the life I was leaving behind.
I thought about my favorite people. I thought about my experiences, all the joy and fun I’ve had over the years. It dawned on me that if I do this, if I relive these years, everything I had and did would be wiped out. They’d become only the memory of another life, that didn’t exist except for in my mind. Would I try to cheat? Would I try to better my young life but still try to cross paths with the people I knew from the previous one? After all, I knew who they were, where they worked, lived, hung out, etc. Was that even possible? If I chose to go back to this point in my life and do it again in a better way, my life would move in an entirely different direction. The timing would be different. The circumstances would be different. There would be new friends, new experiences, new people in my life. It would mean a different me. I really began to think long and hard whether or not this is what I wanted. Was I willing to trade my joys, my loves, my entire life for a new one. Here I was sitting in my room in 1987... now I wasn’t so sure but was it too late? Was I now stuck here in the 12-13 year old me? Could I abort this time travel mission and return to the present? If I were stuck here, in order to have the life I already had I’d have to make pretty much all the same choices all over again. That meant the same pain and difficulty all over again but this time with the knowledge that it was going to happen instead of being hit with the adversity in real time. Depression came over me. Why did I need to wish for this? It was too much.
Then I woke up and the feeling was bittersweet. I remembered my dream and I was torn. Part of me really wanted to go back and do it better, use the wisdom I’ve picked up and become a better Eddie. But the other part of me felt like I was cheating and wasn’t willing to part with who I am to become who I could’ve been. There’s no guarantees that a re-lived, alternate life would have been a better life, a better me. Maybe we shouldn’t mess with the past. The words of Doc Brown echo in my head. Like I said earlier, if I go back, I’d go back to see things, hear things, take it in but not to change things. I understand that you can’t do it all again. I think I woke up because I made my choice. The past is a great place to visit but you can’t live there.
