I wrote this last Wednesday. It was a day after my sister's funeral and I was feeling a bunch of things. I wanted to let it out and to also chronicle what I was feeling at the time. This evening I looked it over and decided to share this with you.
So now I present "Emotional Days" 12-23-09 (originally written on 12-16-09):
I caught the bus and had less than 10 minutes to go until my stop. It was a stop I didn’t want to make but even if I didn’t jingle the cord and signal my forthcoming departure it would not matter. I could look out the window into the rainy night and watch that stop shrink into the distance but a family member would still be gone too soon and I would only have further to walk in the rain when I got off the bus.
When I made my way off I only had to walk a short block to the funeral home. When I thought about everything that awaited me in less than 5 minutes my eyes teared up a bit. Not only was I going to see someone I cared about in a way I didn’t want to see them, I was also going to see family who in some cases I hadn’t seen in over a decade. There was nervousness. There was sadness. There were tears. I thought of a famous Temptations song called “I Wish it Would Rain”. In the song David Ruffin sings how he wishes it would rain because the raindrops would hide his teardrops and no one would know he was crying. I thought about that song as the rain bounced off my face.
I composed myself as I hit the parking lot. I slowed down as I approached the building. I started to take deep breaths and I tried to relax the best I could considering everything that was going on in my mind. I wiped a combination of sweat and rain from my brow and walked inside. When I did I noticed a lot of people were there. I could feel beads of sweat starting to reform on my brow. My social anxiety was starting to appear a bit but this was bigger than me or my fears.
I sat down because sitting and being in one place absorbing the room makes me more comfortable in situations like these. By nature I’m a watcher and listener. At least that is when I am at my best. In those situations I am fairly calm and comfortable. When I am on my feet wandering about talking to various people I feel like I’m in a whirlwind. I don’t feel like I’m absorbing much because I feel like I’m caught in the rapids so to speak. Sometimes it’s fun to get out there, drift, say ridiculous things and be silly but in this situation my comfort levels, emotion and nervousness dictated that I find a place to sit and chill.
In only a minute of sitting there I began to see familiar faces. I’d stand up and hug a nephew, then another, then a niece, a brother, another brother, a sister and so it went. My fears and sadness over my sister’s passing faded just a bit and were replaced by warmth and love. Seeing a new person that I hadn’t seen in years brought a smile to my face each time. When a person came by and I looked at them and it registered and that moment came when I knew who it was I was tickled. There was so much warmth from everyone at such a cold moment in our lives. It was really touching.
When you really get the emotions going like that you can’t shut them off. You can’t say, oh okay this is over I’ll just start thinking about something else. So at the end of the viewing I didn’t want to go straight home. I couldn’t have gone straight home. I probably would have walked the neighborhood for an hour or two deep in thought, even on such a rainy night. I was thrilled when I was invited over to my brother’s house to hang out with the family.
When I arrived I was delighted to see so many of the more familiar faces I saw at the viewing. Plus there was delicious food and the Sabres were playing on my brother’s HDTV. I’ve hardly seen hockey on those televisions but when I do, what a treat! Between the game, the food and the catching up it strangely almost felt like a pleasant get together rather than a gathering for tragic reasons. Being around so many loved ones really helped to take some of the sting away. It wasn’t a thing that had any kind of staying power. It was a buzz and a happiness that would be gone a few hours later but that was no matter, for now I’d take it.
I caught a ride home and looked at the clock. It was after midnight. I had to get up at 7:30 to insure I’d be able to catch the 25 and make it down for the service by 9am. Now because I walked in a little after midnight it didn’t mean I could get to sleep right away. I was all wound up with emotions, good and bad and there was no way I could close my eyes and sleep at that point. I found a photo album and in there I had a few old pictures from the late 70’s when I was a wee lad. A couple photos were from Thanksgiving in 1979 and in them was nearly everyone in the family. My mom and dad were there. My niece, 2 sisters and at least 3 brothers were in the pictures. It was nearly everyone. As I looked upon those pictures I thought for a while about my sister who passed and I remembered as many things about her as I could.
Before I knew it, it was getting towards 2am. I was getting sleepy but I’m always someone who has trouble getting up when there is not at least 7 hours to sleep. Don’t get me wrong, most times I’d like to get up but often I will turn the alarm off and tell myself that I will rest for a few more minutes and then wake up an hour later. I would never forgive myself if such a thing happened on this morning so I set my alarm, then the alarm on my phone and then I set my television to turn on a minute after the phone went off. I thought that if the stress and anxiety alone didn't do the trick 3 alarms would surely be enough to get me up and active when I needed to be.
When morning came I woke up without a hitch despite getting only 5 hours of sleep. I rolled over and looked at the clock and saw that I woke up 10 minutes before the alarm was to go off. I shut off the alarm but then not to outsmart myself I got up and starting wandering around the apartment to ensure fully awake status. If I had shut off the alarm and then stayed in bed I might have fallen back asleep with only 2 secondary alarms left to wake me. I couldn’t take the chance.
Everything worked out and once again I was on the bus ride to the place. I felt a good deal of sadness but I kept thinking about those closest to her. Those people who would see her everyday and interact with her all the time. I thought about those who would miss her most of all. Needless to say, everyone there would be sad. Everyone there would be hurting but my heart went out to those who would hurt most.
When my father died I remember being at the funeral and seeing a great deal of people. I wondered who some of them were but in my grief I didn’t get around to talking to too many of them. In hindsight I wished I did. Since my dad was such a quiet man there were a lot of things I didn’t know about him, especially from the times when he was younger or before he met my mom. He would often tell Army stories when he was drunk but that was about it. He really kept to himself, even with family. So when I look back on it I wished I had heard more stories and met more people who knew him but when you are overcome with grief, anger, shock and you have other family to care about like my mom who was a wreck, it’s hard for the mind to overcome the emotion of the moment. I wondered if it would be this way for some of my relatives at this service.
I got off the bus at the same stop as before. Even though I visited this place the night before and the temperature was far lower then, I felt colder. I felt the chill of a final goodbye in my bones.
I made sure to arrive early to find a seat for the service and relax as best I could before the vast majority of people would arrive so I wouldn’t have to deal with my social anxiety. There weren’t too many people there when I walked in. I saw some relatives walking about with these blank expressions on their faces. I could only think they were deep in thought, memory, or maybe suppressing emotions or thinking about someone who wasn’t. I could feel the pain in the room and it was the first moment of many when my eyes watered and I felt the dull ache of loss.
I found a comfortable chair in close to the front but not too close. I sat down and occasionally I looked at the casket. I’m not someone who likes to look at those things. In fact I never approached it on either day. I can’t stand to see someone that way. After my dad’s viewing and funeral, that was it. I’m far too emotional and sensitive. I fear that my system could overload as it almost has on a few occasions and that is a scary feeling.
I was instead sitting 25 feet away still feeling the sorrow. I’d be okay one minute and watering up the next. When I’m in a group I tend to talk less than when I am with 1 or 2 people. I tend to fall back and become more sponge-like. I absorb whatever the feeling is around me and for the most part my sadness didn’t overcome me but whenever someone would lose it then the water in my eyes started to descend down my cheeks. It hurt me to see some in my family in so much pain. When they cried, I cried.
The range of emotion was heartbreaking. Some were incredibly sad, some angry, some temporarily distraught. My words really cannot do it justice. There was an invisible pendulum swinging throughout the ceremony. On one side there was the celebration of her life and joy for having known her, having been related to her and on the other hand was the sadness that came with the loss of her. I would smile, and then I would cry. The cycle was repeated throughout. It fills your heart and then tugs at it.
When it neared time to go I felt like I had let a lot out and had come to grips with what had occurred. I was at a loss at what to say to those who suffered the strongest. There are no words. All you can do is be there and hug someone if they needed to be hugged. Being there is the strongest statement that I could make.
In times of sadness sometimes we are privy to the kindness and generosity of others. This situation was no different. Many people I don’t even know donated food, time and other things to the family in their time of grief and this is admirable. After the funeral most of the mourners adjourned to a small reception at what I believe is called the Agustin “Pucho” Olivencia Community Center in downtown Buffalo near the ballpark. As I understand it the people there donated the space and food.
There were all kinds of snacks and some tasty food and sides to boot. I was in awe over the kindness that was showed. While there I was able to chat a little with family, pose for a few pictures and I even met a few people I had never met, or at least didn’t remember meeting when I was a kid.
One man I met was Rafael. He and his wife sat down at the table I was sitting at and I didn’t know who they were at first. Then someone came by and told him in Spanish that I was Ramon’s son. I was able to pick up bits and pieces of it even though they only spoke Spanish. Rafael was impressed with my size. My father was about 5’9” and maybe 130 pounds and me… well I’m a bit larger than that. :)
He called out to me in English and said “Hey, I knew your father”. This grabbed my attention immediately because as I mentioned earlier, there was much I didn’t know about him. He started to tell me about how he and my father used to drive back and forth between here and North Collins and he told me a little how they used to drink and have good times. I must have shaken his hand 3-4 times. I told him it was really a pleasure to meet him. Now that my father has been gone nearly 14 years I feel like the chances and opportunities to learn more about him are slipping away.
This reception felt like a celebration, not just of Wanda but of life and family. It’s kind of a sobering happiness. It’s a sunshine that comes after a storm, happiness that comes after pain and tragedy. I’m reminded that there is a bright side to everything; even the darkest of hours will give way to light once again. It’s not just a light but it’s a spark that occurs reminding us how precious life can be but also family.
Despite everything that has happened the past few days I am feeling okay. I have a lot of nice memories and a lot of respect for Wanda. I am very happy to have known her and to have called her sister. She made it through a lot of things that claimed lesser people and I cannot even fathom that kind of inner strength.
As the emotions have peaked and have slowly begun their descent back to normalcy my mind starts to weigh in and the feeling I have and the philosophical thought/debate going on inside reminds me of how I felt back when one of my brothers passed, when my father passed, my grandfather, and when my friend hung himself. It’s an inner debate that I cannot resolve especially at times like this. Do I cram as much life as I can into the moment or do I make every effort to extend my time on this earth? Is life so precious that I need to live it up or is life so precious that I need to be able to enjoy as much as possible which means making myself able to prolong it and have more of it to enjoy? In a crude way I am asking the age old question of quantity versus quality. One cannot help but to reflect on the meaning of life when they lose someone they cared for.
Getting back to it, now anyone with any measure of logic or wisdom would choose to live smartly and have as many good years as possible. Someone acting purely on emotion may choose to go bananas and live life to the hilt. What complicates what should be a black and white decision between two extremes is that there is a variable that I was reminded of this past week… you can go at any time.
It’s a scary scary thing to think about but it is true. With that in mind does it make you want to live like there’s no tomorrow? It’s tempting. Sometimes I think about saying screw it and getting a pizza, bucket of wings, cake, ice cream, 6-pack of sodas and eating until I pass out. Then when I wake up I’d go out and pick up a female and have a good time. Then I would spend beyond my means, think beyond my means and live beyond my means but feel incredibly alive. It would probably only last a short time. Would cramming all this life be the way to go? Perhaps it’s simply an illusion because I’m alive right now but I wonder if I could become more alive. Times like these when someone is taken from us too soon put these thoughts into my mind.
To be honest with you I live my life like it is a marathon. With the exception of my food weakness, I do everything slowly, carefully and with an obvious fear of my own mortality. I don’t want to go anywhere so you’ll never see me take big risks. I won’t drive a car 70 MPH. I won’t smoke. I won’t do drugs and I will rarely drink and when I do it’s going to be a moderate if not light amount. That’s me. I would like to be around to live, love and see the wonders of the future.
So maybe I’ve already answered whatever questions that are bouncing around in my mind. I suppose I’ve never left the path but of late it’s been hard to find my way during these emotional days.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
Life is full of ups and downs (12-11-09)
When I first encountered the phrase “the roller coaster ride of life” I was afraid. First of all I am afraid of roller coasters so that phrase naturally had an uncomfortable feeling for me but when I really thought about it I didn’t like the idea of life moving so fast, going really high, then really low, side to side and for a loop. I don’t like to rush. I don’t like big loop de loops. I don’t like going 60 MPH in a car. That’s who I am. I’d rather avoid the twists and turns and live a life full of balance, loyalty, consistency and stability. I like to keep the surprises to a minimum but that’s not to say I won’t mix up things in daily life.
I’ll walk down a new street to get somewhere. I’ll be happy to try a new restaurant. I’ll impulse buy a t-shirt that I see online or at some little store. I’m not afraid of the kiddie coaster. Those are the kinds of twists and turns I like… little ones. I don’t know where my path leads but I cling to it and do everything I can to stay on it despite the allure that tempts me to leave it. I’m looking for comfort on my adventures if that makes sense.
As you might expect there are positives in living this way and there are some negatives too. You can decide what you think they are. I try not to get too high or too low but sometimes life knocks on your door and leaves a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep for you to stomp out. Other times it rings your doorbell and gives you flowers.
Ed note: At this point I was going to whine about the annoying parts of my day and rejoice in the beauty of the instant rebound. I was going to tell you about how my heater was not operational and how I was freezing this morning with my space heater keeping the apartment over 60 but not too comfy. I was going to add how I woke up late because I was hiding under the covers and disregarded time making me very late for work today.
I was going to continue with how listless I feel with my job and how I didn’t really care about being late because I knew the building was going to be freezing today. I took my time getting ready and I even stopped at the mini-mart on my walk into work to get cocoa because what’s a better partner to accompany me into a chilly place than a fistful of hot cocoa?
Unfortunately the mini-mart had a serious problem with their cash register. They had a modern computerized system that probably saved a ton of time and limited mistakes from what they must have had a decade earlier. Of course I tell you this because today is the day it comes crashing down. I’m standing there 3rd in line with a 24 oz. hot cocoa, an orange juice and a soda but I’m getting any closer because the register is freaking out. It won’t open, it won’t reset and it pretty much will not do anything.
A second worker arrives on the scene and offers advice and tries to help with the problem. It’s funny to me because everything he suggest the first guy already tried and he proceeds to swat the guy’s fingers away repeatedly… “I already tried that!” After about 5 minutes from the mini-mart comedy team the owner or at least the guy in charge arrives. Once again they attempt to do things that were already tried and sighs and the smacking of gums start to become more frequent. It almost became melodic. In fact in one space where it was really quiet I took a deep breath and sighed just to keep the music going.
Now I’m standing there for 15 minutes holding that cocoa and I won’t sip it because I haven’t paid for it yet but I have moved up to 2nd in line because one of the people in front of me gave up. Another pleaded with the cashiers by offering to give them extra cash for his coffee if he could leave but they wouldn’t allow it. After banging their heads against the wall for a while they basically treated the register like our internet connections. They unplugged it and then plugged it back in. It took a few more minutes but the register was fully operational once again. I got out of there after 15-20 minutes and realized I was incredibly late for work.
I was going to continue by telling you how I was feeling like poop for getting in so late and then right off the bat, before I can even take off my jacket someone mentions to me a problem that we had that I was responsible for. I don’t make many mistakes at work but if I do I get really angry with myself. I started to think this was the worst Friday in quite some time and it wasn’t even noon yet.
Not long after I arrived my cell phone rings and it’s a teacher friend of mine who was off of work again. He said, “Hey, you wanna get lunch over at India Gate?” At this point I had only been at work for a little over half an hour but the thought of yummy Indian food to break my mood was too tempting to refuse. I said yes and suddenly I was on my way to enjoy a nice lunch.
It was everything I hoped it would be. In the lunch buffet they had a chicken dish I like, some delicious squash and they even had strawberry mousse. I ate a nice amount and chatted with my friend about sports, life and the future. I went back to work with a smile on my face and Indian food smell absorbed into my clothes.
When I returned I discovered that an annoying task that would have been mine to do was given to someone else since I wasn’t around. My smile grew. Then I made a plan with a friend of mine to go out to see those Christmas movies next weekend I posted a few days ago. I finally got someone to come along! The day had made a 180 degree turn and suddenly everything was groovy and gravy, whichever one is better.
I was going to wax philosophical about the ups and downs of life and how the highest highs and lowest lows could happen in one single day. Then it happened…
At 3pm I went on my break and logged into facebook wondering what wacky things people were up to and then I see it. My nephew posted an RIP message about his Aunt. I scrolled down and then I saw what her daughter and my niece wrote. Then I reread it because sometimes we seem to think that if we reread bad news that it will be different that 2nd time. It wasn’t and this is how I found out that one of my older sisters was gone.
I started tearing up for many reasons. I had many good memories of her and I always looked upon her favorably. Unfortunately I hadn’t seen her in over a decade and I started to feel anger with myself over that. There was never any problems or anything like that, it was just after our father died in 1996 I went into a shell that I have not really come out of. Ever since our father passed I’ve dealt with deep personal things by not dealing. I’ve battled depression and stress. These were probably things that I should have shared with and battled with the rest of the family but I’m an idiot sometimes. The point is that I haven’t seen her in long time and I feel awful for it now that she’s gone. I hope she’s in a better place and is no longer in pain or suffering in any way.
Things like this happen and all my little troubles and games that I play with myself pale in comparison.
One of the things I learned about my father passing was that it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to let those things out. It’s important to let those things out. It’s important to let those things out with friends and family and it wasn’t a lesson I learned right away. It took many years after his death for me to learn that because I held everything in. For so long I carried the weight. I carried resentment, fear, anger and so many other things that aren’t healthy companions on my life’s path. I almost turned to the dark side.
When my friend committed suicide in 2003 I cried for days. I cried through the ceremony, and I hugged everyone I could. Afterwards we sat around and talked and talked and everything came out. While it ended up being a cathartic and positive experience it’s not a ride I ever wanted to take again. Now I realize that it is inevitable.
So how do I feel? How I feel right now is a combination of sadness and joy. I feel obvious sadness for someone who I knew, who I spent time with, who is family, who I cared about, who meant a great deal to others and who is now gone. On the other hand I want to feel an incredible joy for life because it has revealed itself to me yet again to be very precious indeed.
I want to hug all of my friends. I want to hug all of my family. I want to walk into the sunset with my eyes open and I want to walk into the moonlight with my eyes closed. I want to sit at the head of a table holding the most magnificent feast. I want to score a diving touchdown. I want to kiss a pretty female softly on the lips. I want to shovel my neighbor’s sidewalks and give ten dollar bills to those on the street digging through garbage cans for refundable recyclables. I want to dive headlong into a vat of milk chocolate. I want to read Christmas stories to little ones and listen to children explaining what they want for Christmas like Santa Claus. I want to surprise and provide. I want to compliment and reinforce. I want to give and share. I want to love and be loved. Most of all I want to live. RIP Wanda.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Edwin Rebooted:
Edwin Rebooted:
I must admit that I like me. I think I’m very clever and I
think I have great taste. Plus I think I’ve grown wiser with the years that
have passed and the decisions err mistakes I’ve made. Unfortunately the public
consensus will most likely contradict my personal love affair. The facts are in
and they aren’t good. First is that I may have less friends now than 10 years
ago. Next are all the gray hairs, the extra weight, the dental problems. The
fact is I’m getting a bit older. I don’t hold the same appeal I used to have
back in the day and the current generation doesn’t get me nor do I get them. My
viability and local celebrity have taken a hit. It’s unfortunate because there
is still plenty of life in these older bones. There are still plenty of ideas
in here and there’s still plenty of money to be made but alas there’s no accounting
for taste. The bottom line and the will of the people dictate that a change
must happen. We need to improve. So never mind the fact that the current Edwin
is awesome. We will downplay Edwin’s cult status with those who know him in
lieu of attracting a larger fanbase. We need more Edwin fans!
We need to refresh and repackage me so that I may take what is essentially a good core idea (me) and get it out there all over again for public consumption. We aren’t going to spray Febreze on me and call me fresh. No no, we are going to completely retool and update me to reach a whole new generation of fans. To do this we are going to take a page out of Hollywood’s playbook. Much like the Star Trek series, Superman, Batman and a host of 80’s horror movies and comedies it’s time for a reboot. We are going to carefully attempt to take the original idea and redo it as if I never existed before this moment yet still pay homage to the Edwin of old. It’s a delicate balance but when it’s done right it’s Batman Begins or the Dark Knight but when it’s done wrong it’s The Omen, Amityville Horror, the Karate Kid and Texas Chainsaw Massacre or the 500 upcoming films in production like the new Breakfast Club, Poltergeist, The Warriors, Neverending Story and who knows what else. You know they’ll all suck. Anyway as you might have figured, we’re shooting for Batman.
For you hardcore Edwin fans have no worries, we are going to keep a lot of the core principles of what made me who I am. You have to understand we are certainly trying to get new Edwin fans but at the same time we do not want to alienate the diehard fanbase (after the fact we are rebooting in the first place)… we want to build upon it.
While the final cut of the new Edwin is not finished and the reboot is still in production, I can verify that these things will stay the same: I am still half Puerto Rican. I am still 6’3” tall. I still have a great love for music and sports. Plus I will have had roughly the same childhood and upbringing as those things are not essential to the makeover, but may be very important to the diehards and original fans. That’s why they still remain intact, albeit in the background. We must appease the whiny loyal “Ed-Heads” from way back.
On the other hand we’ve implemented some pretty nifty ideas to enhance the appeal of the new me. We don’t have much of a budget for the reboot so there’s not too much CGI involved but we feel this is to our advantage as many people are getting burnt out on CGI and there’s not enough to annoy you but enough to recognize that this is some awesome modern stuff here. So instead of relying on a bunch of effects, we’ve had to use a lot of thinking and brainstorming to tweak the protagonist. We think some of the changes will really update the Edwin character for the dawn of this new decade and open me up to a much larger audience. Here are some of the “rumored” changes for the rebooted version of me:
-The first is now I have one brown eye and one green eye. We think this will add a mysteriousness, uniqueness and intensity that may have been lacking and that we think will appeal to the Twilight crowd and Bowie fans.
-No more retail for me. The reboot will feature Edwin with a new career as a wisecracking, thick-skinned bartender with a sensitive and charming side that makes me very popular. Of course this job will be a cover or ruse as Edwin will have another job behind the scenes as a conflicted vigilante art thief who is trying to go legit. We think this will appeal to the people who think they are cool but aren’t crowd.
-The new Edwin will be involved in a love triangle and he won’t even know it. It will be tragic. We think this will bring in lovelorn nerds and whatever Twilight people we couldn’t grab with the 2 different colored eyes angle.
-The new Edwin will have crazy tattoos in the form of sleeves on both arms. The tats will consist of angels, devils, Chinese characters and skulls. We think this will appeal to young men, male teens and pro wrestling fans.
-The new and improved Edwin will live in a flat with his loyal dog Bartleby. Bart will be half Husky and half Labrador and will have unique talents like being able to change the channels on the cable remote when Edwin is out of the room and of course he always alerts Edwin at the slightest sign of trouble. We think a loveable and loyal companion will improve Edwin’s standing with the adult women demographic.
-Among other changes featured: He shops exclusively at Whole Foods but never buys anything too overpriced. He’s a master freestyle skateboarder (which will come in handy in the reboot) and he knows a cool blind, homeless bluesman named “Stacks” who often sits on the outside steps of his building. Unlike most homeless people this guy offers sage like advice and seems to be incredibly bright, clean and well put together despite being without a home. Also Stacks never seems to ask for money or anything but rebooted Edwin gives him food and old jazz records all the time. “Stacks” t-shirts are already being planned.
Now that you’ve read the trailer for this new Edwin, we hope this will entice you, pique your interest and bring those who never knew or walked away from Edwin back with renewed enthusiasm in the franchise.
Look for the new Edwin this Spring coming to a coffeeshop near you. Edwin is not yet rated.
We need to refresh and repackage me so that I may take what is essentially a good core idea (me) and get it out there all over again for public consumption. We aren’t going to spray Febreze on me and call me fresh. No no, we are going to completely retool and update me to reach a whole new generation of fans. To do this we are going to take a page out of Hollywood’s playbook. Much like the Star Trek series, Superman, Batman and a host of 80’s horror movies and comedies it’s time for a reboot. We are going to carefully attempt to take the original idea and redo it as if I never existed before this moment yet still pay homage to the Edwin of old. It’s a delicate balance but when it’s done right it’s Batman Begins or the Dark Knight but when it’s done wrong it’s The Omen, Amityville Horror, the Karate Kid and Texas Chainsaw Massacre or the 500 upcoming films in production like the new Breakfast Club, Poltergeist, The Warriors, Neverending Story and who knows what else. You know they’ll all suck. Anyway as you might have figured, we’re shooting for Batman.
For you hardcore Edwin fans have no worries, we are going to keep a lot of the core principles of what made me who I am. You have to understand we are certainly trying to get new Edwin fans but at the same time we do not want to alienate the diehard fanbase (after the fact we are rebooting in the first place)… we want to build upon it.
While the final cut of the new Edwin is not finished and the reboot is still in production, I can verify that these things will stay the same: I am still half Puerto Rican. I am still 6’3” tall. I still have a great love for music and sports. Plus I will have had roughly the same childhood and upbringing as those things are not essential to the makeover, but may be very important to the diehards and original fans. That’s why they still remain intact, albeit in the background. We must appease the whiny loyal “Ed-Heads” from way back.
On the other hand we’ve implemented some pretty nifty ideas to enhance the appeal of the new me. We don’t have much of a budget for the reboot so there’s not too much CGI involved but we feel this is to our advantage as many people are getting burnt out on CGI and there’s not enough to annoy you but enough to recognize that this is some awesome modern stuff here. So instead of relying on a bunch of effects, we’ve had to use a lot of thinking and brainstorming to tweak the protagonist. We think some of the changes will really update the Edwin character for the dawn of this new decade and open me up to a much larger audience. Here are some of the “rumored” changes for the rebooted version of me:
-The first is now I have one brown eye and one green eye. We think this will add a mysteriousness, uniqueness and intensity that may have been lacking and that we think will appeal to the Twilight crowd and Bowie fans.
-No more retail for me. The reboot will feature Edwin with a new career as a wisecracking, thick-skinned bartender with a sensitive and charming side that makes me very popular. Of course this job will be a cover or ruse as Edwin will have another job behind the scenes as a conflicted vigilante art thief who is trying to go legit. We think this will appeal to the people who think they are cool but aren’t crowd.
-The new Edwin will be involved in a love triangle and he won’t even know it. It will be tragic. We think this will bring in lovelorn nerds and whatever Twilight people we couldn’t grab with the 2 different colored eyes angle.
-The new Edwin will have crazy tattoos in the form of sleeves on both arms. The tats will consist of angels, devils, Chinese characters and skulls. We think this will appeal to young men, male teens and pro wrestling fans.
-The new and improved Edwin will live in a flat with his loyal dog Bartleby. Bart will be half Husky and half Labrador and will have unique talents like being able to change the channels on the cable remote when Edwin is out of the room and of course he always alerts Edwin at the slightest sign of trouble. We think a loveable and loyal companion will improve Edwin’s standing with the adult women demographic.
-Among other changes featured: He shops exclusively at Whole Foods but never buys anything too overpriced. He’s a master freestyle skateboarder (which will come in handy in the reboot) and he knows a cool blind, homeless bluesman named “Stacks” who often sits on the outside steps of his building. Unlike most homeless people this guy offers sage like advice and seems to be incredibly bright, clean and well put together despite being without a home. Also Stacks never seems to ask for money or anything but rebooted Edwin gives him food and old jazz records all the time. “Stacks” t-shirts are already being planned.
Now that you’ve read the trailer for this new Edwin, we hope this will entice you, pique your interest and bring those who never knew or walked away from Edwin back with renewed enthusiasm in the franchise.
Look for the new Edwin this Spring coming to a coffeeshop near you. Edwin is not yet rated.
Monday, November 2, 2009
10 Ways To Stay Single
Do you love being single? Are you afraid of getting involved? Does the idea of having a girlfriend scare you beyond words? Are you afraid every day that you might slip and end up in a serious meaningful relationship?
Well, I’m here to tell you that you should be afraid. There are many wonderful people out there who would date you today. You are probably compatible with more people than you think. Let’s face it… it’s tough to stay single these days but it’s possible… especially if you listen to me.How can I help you to stay single?
When you’ve been predominantly available for 6 and a half years you can look at it one of two ways. Is the glass half empty or half full? Half full you ask? How can such a period of futility and loneliness be considered a good thing? I’m glad you asked. It can be a great thing when you compile all the things you’ve learned during that time to help others. Helping others… isn’t that what life is really about? It takes a measure of skill, talent and a strong discipline to ward off potential relationships. My extensive and inept work in the dating field has shown me the way. All of these guidelines have been tested and they work! I’m taking everything I’ve learned and offering it to you to help you stay single. So if you want to learn how to be single or if you want to stay single for the foreseeable future empty your cups and prepare to fill them with the science I’m about to drop:
Ed’s 10 Ways to Stay Single (in no particular order):
1. Stay Home – The easiest and best piece of practical stay single advice is to stay home. After all, how can you meet anyone if you don’t SEE anyone? It’s completely obvious that a major key to staying away from potential mates is hiding from them. Now before we get carried away here I know you cannot live your entire life without going out but you can certainly be a lot smarter and go out less. Let’s get started. If you can work a job where you see no one but your co-workers who you’d never consider you are in good shape. This means nothing with customer service or face to face selling, meeting or appointments. You’ll run into too many strangers that way. Okay so you work in a job where you never see anyone but the same work people all the time. That’s a great start. Now if instead of going out to eat you ordered in frequently (I’m afraid there aren’t many attractive pizza delivery girls) you wouldn’t have to worry about running into any people you might hook up with. Do you see how the stay home dynamic can work for you like it has for me? You can do this. So to summarize, get cable TV and find a number of great shows to watch all week long. Plan your day and your life around them. Netflix can come in handy here as well. This will help take the sting away from needing human companionship. Remember, Monk is really your friend.
2. Be nice and polite but NOT friendly - Now while staying home a lot and avoiding human contact for the most part is effective and a great place to start, being single doesn’t mean you have to be a hermit or a jerk- that’s too easy, unrealistic and it generates no sympathy from people who know you. Yes you can be single, but you can be a loveable single whom your friends talk about like this: “I wish he could find someone” instead of someone whom your friends talk about like this: “he might meet someone if he wasn’t such a douche”. You want to go for adorable and lonely not misanthropic and alone. One of the major keys to being single is doing the “bare minimum”. It’s a term we’ll revisit many times throughout these guidelines. When you meet new people, be polite and even nice. You can smile at them and show them all the courtesy and respect one would and should show someone they have just met but, and this is where it gets tricky, you must not do more than that! You must practice the bare minimum. If you are nice and polite, they will think nicely of you but if you do anything more than that you risk attraction especially if you are charming, good looking, funny or any combination of those things. Keep it simple and don’t go in for a closer look. Yes you can be nice and polite but not friendly and yes this will help you to stay single.
3. Wait for women to come to you - Let’s face it, the rules of dating and courtships haven’t changed much over the years. The majority of the time the guy will approach the girl. Now knowing this, if you went out of your way not to approach women your chance of meeting someone extraordinary and falling in love will drop considerably. If you go out with friends and just stick to hanging out and doing all your socializing with them any interested women will think you either don’t care about meeting someone or are already involved. Plus if you are out with at least one friend this benefits you greatly. A woman is less likely to go against the norm and approach you if you are already with people.
4. Gain weight – Gaining weight is a surefire remedy to the relationship blues, both while being in one and if you are looking to stay out of one. This tried and true method of loneliness impacts nearly every other guideline on this list. Gaining weight will impact how you feel about your appearance so you’ll want to stay home more. The loss of confidence will impact your “game” leading to a point where you will hardly approach desirable females. Plus your sudden and constantly sweaty features will not be something you want to show people. Your new wardrobe will consist of fat clothes and you will have to become less trendy of a dresser by default in that many great pieces of clothing only go up to a certain size. If you work hard enough at it, you can switch to full time jogging pants in no time! Remember, you eat because it makes you happy but you are not truly happy because you eat. Dig into those goodies and watch the dividends add up quickly in your quest for dating solitude.
5. Fight the urge to compliment people – If you are like me and you see a woman with great hair, a fantastic smile or a beautiful dress you’d like to tell her about it. Sometimes it has nothing to do with hitting on her, you just want to be nice the way you’d want someone to be nice to you if they liked how you were dressed or how you smiled. It makes a person feel good. While this is a wonderful gesture and can make a person’s day you have to be very careful with this because sometimes even the most innocent of comments can be taken the wrong way and you could come face to face with attraction. Attraction can be a strong thing and can pull you (get it?) into trouble. If you want to stay single you must fight the urge to compliment the women. They like that sort of thing and if you do it they may end up liking you. Remember, bare minimum. You must endeavor to keep people’s perceptions of you no better than anyone else. You also must keep the expectations of you at a realistic and non-memorable level. So next time you see the prettiest dress you’ve seen in years keep your mouth shut or else risk the consequences.
6. Dress down – Dressing down is an important aspect of staying single. If you can find a job where you can dress like a bum most of the time you are well on your way. It provides added benefits if you walk to work in a rough neighborhood because nobody will want to rob you if you look like your wardrobe cost no more than $30. While dressing down in the workplace is good, working from home is ideal since you can do it in underwear and a t-shirt. Not everyone is so lucky though. When you are out and about dress youthful or poor to chase away your primary demographic. I’m 35 but I probably dress more like 25 so many women my age don’t give me the time of day. Any mature woman will not even look at me when I’m out in a sports jersey and a cheap jacket. It makes me feel like Arnold Schwarzenegger when he discovered that the mud would conceal him from the Predator. If you can dress down you can enter into even the fiercest mating grounds without fear as cougars will not pick up your scent. This will have an adverse effect on you in the opposite direction as many 24 year olds who think you are younger will be attracted but don’t worry as they will be put off by “dad” dressing young or hip when they find out your real age. They’ll run for the hills in search of someone closer to their age without the teeth, back and knee problems and without so much wear on the spare tire. Dressing down is also dressing very comfortably so you’ll feel great inside those ratty clothes even if the public perception of your style isn’t very good. Remember, bare minimum!
7. Fear - Be afraid, be very afraid. Look down, look away. Confidence is a virtue and many women find it downright sexy. If you and a woman catch each other’s glances look away immediately. Stay locked in any longer and we may get a smile or some form of warmth which is a one way ticket to Couplesville if not Datetown. If you want to stay single you can’t risk your status no matter how much you enjoyed her face. You must get those eyes out of there once her eyes catch yours. Some of us who are firmly entrenched in my staying single program do this automatically due to shyness or lack of self confidence, but for those who do not have to worry about such things or are new to this program do yourself a favor and look down, look away, look anywhere else. If you do this quickly and forcefully the female may wonder whether you didn’t like what you saw or if you are just shy. Either way the worst thing you can do here is to look again. If you feel like you need to look at her again because she is attractive and you want a second helping of her beauty to dream about at a later date make sure to do it when there is practically zero chance she’d look at you or catch you looking. If you return too soon to get another eyeful this may be misconstrued as a double take. A double or triple take is a sure sign of approval or amazement and unless she has 2 noses and a thick mustache she’s going to think you are interested. Do not tempt fate people, look down and look away or you’ll look interested.
8. Utilize awkwardness – Does she think you’re weird? If she does that puts you out of the potential boyfriend category and into the wacky friend one. Generally women don’t date weird. Awkwardness is the single person’s best friend. When you happen to make the acquaintance of someone you are attracted to you inevitably start to wonder about dating them. However, she may not return your feelings for her if she thinks you are too strange and not compatible for a relationship. Your awkwardness can slide you headlong into friend territory and take any sexual tension out of the way. It’s time to utilize it and get her thinking that kissing you would “be weird”. Once you are past this point with the woman, you can be friends with hardly a problem. However there is one caveat with this. Unfortunately there is a danger with awkwardness. Sometimes women think it is cute and if you accidently cross over into “mysterious” territory, she might find you even more attractive. You must be very careful not to be Johnny Depp while being unconventional. So as a good rule of thumb aim for Don Knotts, not Don Juan. Mysterious is sexy but strange, weird and awkward… not so much.
9. Be unrealistic and extremely picky – If you asked me who my dream girl is I’d tell you Zooey Deschanel, Emmy Rossum, or Shakira when she has her dark and wavy hair. This is without even knowing them at all. It’s based solely on their looks and their art... okay mostly looks. Those are my dream girls. Guess what? I’m not going to meet them, let alone end up with any of them. The point is if you set the bar incredibly high only someone utterly incredible will give you pause. This is a great rule of thumb when trying to stay single, only go after the Megan Fox, not the Angela Bassett (dog). This way many wonderful people who lack supermodel looks will slip through your fingers and you’ll be left wondering when you’ll meet someone special. Keeping your standards super high will seem disciplined and admirable to some. They’ll say “look, he won’t settle for less than what he wants, I really respect that’. Of course your friends who say that will be involved in great relationships and will secretly think you are an idiot. Now if you meet Heidi Klum and she just happened to have divorced Seal and is going through a vulnerable period where she needs someone and you just happen to be it, you’ll get the last laugh and that would blow this plan out of the water, but do you know what the odds are on that? Exactly, so obviously you should stick to your guns and reach for the stars. It may only be a pipedream, but it’s your pipedream which makes it awesome. This leads me to:
10. Dreamers - Generally women dislike dreamers. Don’t tell me what you plan to do, go do it. Simply, most women prefer doers. They’d rather be with a guy who is out there in the real world rather than someone staring out the window at it. If you sit around a lot, process life and the meaning and beauty of things this “inactivity” will turn some women off. If you also add a lot of crazy creative ideas that you will never accomplish or even try 95% of the time, now you are just wasting time and will turn off an even larger demographic. If you can add a frosting of excuses and reasons not to even try to your cake of dreams, you will have crafted a magnificently dreamy dish. Sitting around all day thinking about what could be and not doing anything about it will chase away even the sweetest of the sweet. The bottom line is if you wanna stay single, keep dreaming.
Well, I’m here to tell you that you should be afraid. There are many wonderful people out there who would date you today. You are probably compatible with more people than you think. Let’s face it… it’s tough to stay single these days but it’s possible… especially if you listen to me.How can I help you to stay single?
When you’ve been predominantly available for 6 and a half years you can look at it one of two ways. Is the glass half empty or half full? Half full you ask? How can such a period of futility and loneliness be considered a good thing? I’m glad you asked. It can be a great thing when you compile all the things you’ve learned during that time to help others. Helping others… isn’t that what life is really about? It takes a measure of skill, talent and a strong discipline to ward off potential relationships. My extensive and inept work in the dating field has shown me the way. All of these guidelines have been tested and they work! I’m taking everything I’ve learned and offering it to you to help you stay single. So if you want to learn how to be single or if you want to stay single for the foreseeable future empty your cups and prepare to fill them with the science I’m about to drop:
Ed’s 10 Ways to Stay Single (in no particular order):
1. Stay Home – The easiest and best piece of practical stay single advice is to stay home. After all, how can you meet anyone if you don’t SEE anyone? It’s completely obvious that a major key to staying away from potential mates is hiding from them. Now before we get carried away here I know you cannot live your entire life without going out but you can certainly be a lot smarter and go out less. Let’s get started. If you can work a job where you see no one but your co-workers who you’d never consider you are in good shape. This means nothing with customer service or face to face selling, meeting or appointments. You’ll run into too many strangers that way. Okay so you work in a job where you never see anyone but the same work people all the time. That’s a great start. Now if instead of going out to eat you ordered in frequently (I’m afraid there aren’t many attractive pizza delivery girls) you wouldn’t have to worry about running into any people you might hook up with. Do you see how the stay home dynamic can work for you like it has for me? You can do this. So to summarize, get cable TV and find a number of great shows to watch all week long. Plan your day and your life around them. Netflix can come in handy here as well. This will help take the sting away from needing human companionship. Remember, Monk is really your friend.
2. Be nice and polite but NOT friendly - Now while staying home a lot and avoiding human contact for the most part is effective and a great place to start, being single doesn’t mean you have to be a hermit or a jerk- that’s too easy, unrealistic and it generates no sympathy from people who know you. Yes you can be single, but you can be a loveable single whom your friends talk about like this: “I wish he could find someone” instead of someone whom your friends talk about like this: “he might meet someone if he wasn’t such a douche”. You want to go for adorable and lonely not misanthropic and alone. One of the major keys to being single is doing the “bare minimum”. It’s a term we’ll revisit many times throughout these guidelines. When you meet new people, be polite and even nice. You can smile at them and show them all the courtesy and respect one would and should show someone they have just met but, and this is where it gets tricky, you must not do more than that! You must practice the bare minimum. If you are nice and polite, they will think nicely of you but if you do anything more than that you risk attraction especially if you are charming, good looking, funny or any combination of those things. Keep it simple and don’t go in for a closer look. Yes you can be nice and polite but not friendly and yes this will help you to stay single.
3. Wait for women to come to you - Let’s face it, the rules of dating and courtships haven’t changed much over the years. The majority of the time the guy will approach the girl. Now knowing this, if you went out of your way not to approach women your chance of meeting someone extraordinary and falling in love will drop considerably. If you go out with friends and just stick to hanging out and doing all your socializing with them any interested women will think you either don’t care about meeting someone or are already involved. Plus if you are out with at least one friend this benefits you greatly. A woman is less likely to go against the norm and approach you if you are already with people.
4. Gain weight – Gaining weight is a surefire remedy to the relationship blues, both while being in one and if you are looking to stay out of one. This tried and true method of loneliness impacts nearly every other guideline on this list. Gaining weight will impact how you feel about your appearance so you’ll want to stay home more. The loss of confidence will impact your “game” leading to a point where you will hardly approach desirable females. Plus your sudden and constantly sweaty features will not be something you want to show people. Your new wardrobe will consist of fat clothes and you will have to become less trendy of a dresser by default in that many great pieces of clothing only go up to a certain size. If you work hard enough at it, you can switch to full time jogging pants in no time! Remember, you eat because it makes you happy but you are not truly happy because you eat. Dig into those goodies and watch the dividends add up quickly in your quest for dating solitude.
5. Fight the urge to compliment people – If you are like me and you see a woman with great hair, a fantastic smile or a beautiful dress you’d like to tell her about it. Sometimes it has nothing to do with hitting on her, you just want to be nice the way you’d want someone to be nice to you if they liked how you were dressed or how you smiled. It makes a person feel good. While this is a wonderful gesture and can make a person’s day you have to be very careful with this because sometimes even the most innocent of comments can be taken the wrong way and you could come face to face with attraction. Attraction can be a strong thing and can pull you (get it?) into trouble. If you want to stay single you must fight the urge to compliment the women. They like that sort of thing and if you do it they may end up liking you. Remember, bare minimum. You must endeavor to keep people’s perceptions of you no better than anyone else. You also must keep the expectations of you at a realistic and non-memorable level. So next time you see the prettiest dress you’ve seen in years keep your mouth shut or else risk the consequences.
6. Dress down – Dressing down is an important aspect of staying single. If you can find a job where you can dress like a bum most of the time you are well on your way. It provides added benefits if you walk to work in a rough neighborhood because nobody will want to rob you if you look like your wardrobe cost no more than $30. While dressing down in the workplace is good, working from home is ideal since you can do it in underwear and a t-shirt. Not everyone is so lucky though. When you are out and about dress youthful or poor to chase away your primary demographic. I’m 35 but I probably dress more like 25 so many women my age don’t give me the time of day. Any mature woman will not even look at me when I’m out in a sports jersey and a cheap jacket. It makes me feel like Arnold Schwarzenegger when he discovered that the mud would conceal him from the Predator. If you can dress down you can enter into even the fiercest mating grounds without fear as cougars will not pick up your scent. This will have an adverse effect on you in the opposite direction as many 24 year olds who think you are younger will be attracted but don’t worry as they will be put off by “dad” dressing young or hip when they find out your real age. They’ll run for the hills in search of someone closer to their age without the teeth, back and knee problems and without so much wear on the spare tire. Dressing down is also dressing very comfortably so you’ll feel great inside those ratty clothes even if the public perception of your style isn’t very good. Remember, bare minimum!
7. Fear - Be afraid, be very afraid. Look down, look away. Confidence is a virtue and many women find it downright sexy. If you and a woman catch each other’s glances look away immediately. Stay locked in any longer and we may get a smile or some form of warmth which is a one way ticket to Couplesville if not Datetown. If you want to stay single you can’t risk your status no matter how much you enjoyed her face. You must get those eyes out of there once her eyes catch yours. Some of us who are firmly entrenched in my staying single program do this automatically due to shyness or lack of self confidence, but for those who do not have to worry about such things or are new to this program do yourself a favor and look down, look away, look anywhere else. If you do this quickly and forcefully the female may wonder whether you didn’t like what you saw or if you are just shy. Either way the worst thing you can do here is to look again. If you feel like you need to look at her again because she is attractive and you want a second helping of her beauty to dream about at a later date make sure to do it when there is practically zero chance she’d look at you or catch you looking. If you return too soon to get another eyeful this may be misconstrued as a double take. A double or triple take is a sure sign of approval or amazement and unless she has 2 noses and a thick mustache she’s going to think you are interested. Do not tempt fate people, look down and look away or you’ll look interested.
8. Utilize awkwardness – Does she think you’re weird? If she does that puts you out of the potential boyfriend category and into the wacky friend one. Generally women don’t date weird. Awkwardness is the single person’s best friend. When you happen to make the acquaintance of someone you are attracted to you inevitably start to wonder about dating them. However, she may not return your feelings for her if she thinks you are too strange and not compatible for a relationship. Your awkwardness can slide you headlong into friend territory and take any sexual tension out of the way. It’s time to utilize it and get her thinking that kissing you would “be weird”. Once you are past this point with the woman, you can be friends with hardly a problem. However there is one caveat with this. Unfortunately there is a danger with awkwardness. Sometimes women think it is cute and if you accidently cross over into “mysterious” territory, she might find you even more attractive. You must be very careful not to be Johnny Depp while being unconventional. So as a good rule of thumb aim for Don Knotts, not Don Juan. Mysterious is sexy but strange, weird and awkward… not so much.
9. Be unrealistic and extremely picky – If you asked me who my dream girl is I’d tell you Zooey Deschanel, Emmy Rossum, or Shakira when she has her dark and wavy hair. This is without even knowing them at all. It’s based solely on their looks and their art... okay mostly looks. Those are my dream girls. Guess what? I’m not going to meet them, let alone end up with any of them. The point is if you set the bar incredibly high only someone utterly incredible will give you pause. This is a great rule of thumb when trying to stay single, only go after the Megan Fox, not the Angela Bassett (dog). This way many wonderful people who lack supermodel looks will slip through your fingers and you’ll be left wondering when you’ll meet someone special. Keeping your standards super high will seem disciplined and admirable to some. They’ll say “look, he won’t settle for less than what he wants, I really respect that’. Of course your friends who say that will be involved in great relationships and will secretly think you are an idiot. Now if you meet Heidi Klum and she just happened to have divorced Seal and is going through a vulnerable period where she needs someone and you just happen to be it, you’ll get the last laugh and that would blow this plan out of the water, but do you know what the odds are on that? Exactly, so obviously you should stick to your guns and reach for the stars. It may only be a pipedream, but it’s your pipedream which makes it awesome. This leads me to:
10. Dreamers - Generally women dislike dreamers. Don’t tell me what you plan to do, go do it. Simply, most women prefer doers. They’d rather be with a guy who is out there in the real world rather than someone staring out the window at it. If you sit around a lot, process life and the meaning and beauty of things this “inactivity” will turn some women off. If you also add a lot of crazy creative ideas that you will never accomplish or even try 95% of the time, now you are just wasting time and will turn off an even larger demographic. If you can add a frosting of excuses and reasons not to even try to your cake of dreams, you will have crafted a magnificently dreamy dish. Sitting around all day thinking about what could be and not doing anything about it will chase away even the sweetest of the sweet. The bottom line is if you wanna stay single, keep dreaming.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Me and Ben (10-15-09)
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I wrote this last Friday (hence the phrase ”last night” in the first sentence) but I looked at it again yesterday and figured why not post this:
Last night I went to see Ben Folds perform with the Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra at Kleinhans Music Hall. Ben has been performing with more orchestras of late and I actually have a DVD where he performs with an Australian one “Live in Perth”. Many of his songs feature strings and various forms of percussion and wind so it’s not much of a stretch to see his songs performed this way although until you see it I do not think you can truly appreciate the idea.
I hadn’t been to the music hall since grade school so it was nice to pay it another visit. In many ways it looked the way I had remembered it. It kind of had a 1980’s vibe in the walking areas and when we went downstairs to the bar and lounge that wasn’t actually open it reminded me a great deal of that creepy hotel in The Shining. I was waiting for Delbert Grady to give me a free drink and start advising me to “correct” my wife and kids. Sorry, somewhat obscure reference there.
Our seats were upstairs but my friend wanted to get a drink before the show (that's why we went to the lounge that turned out to be closed) so we wandered about the place upstairs and below and while there was some discussion as to whether the show started at 7:30 or 8pm, a little bit after 7:30 the discussion was rendered moot.
I walked out onto the upper balcony area and there he was. Ben was at the front on a massive piano and the Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra was playing along to the first song of the evening; Zak and Sara. During that song I found myself much like I do when I wake up really early in the morning after not getting enough sleep. I rub my eyes and try to get focused. Sometimes it takes a few minutes to clear the cobwebs out and to get my vision straight. Then after a few minutes I am ready for the day. During Zak and Sara that's how I felt. I was a little overwhelmed by the novelty and sheer size of the performers involved. It took me until the start of the next song, "Smoke" to finally have absorbed the enormity of what was happening down on the stage. At that point there was no more adjusting… my eyes and ears were open and it was simply bliss.
As wonderful as the songs were what was nearly as awesome were the little stories Ben told in between the songs. I learned more about the origins of the songs he played that I had ever known through the internet, or the other 3 times I’ve seen him or the “Five”. It was if in this setting he wanted to talk more about the songwriting than usual which was enlightening and very cool. Every story between every song ended with a “whoa I didn’t know that, that’s cool” moment and at least one good laugh.
When Ben and the Orchestra played it was heavenly. It reminded me of some of the great sensations I have felt with my senses. It reminded me of the way great chocolate tastes, how a fresh pot of quality coffee smells when it first hits your nose, how soft and wonderful cashmere feels against my skin and how a naturally attractive woman captures my eyes the moment I notice her. However, this sensation was for my ears. My eyes wandered from strings to horns, from percussion to Ben at the piano but my ears took in everything. They were funny songs, ironic songs, great stories, sadly beautiful songs and also some of the most beautifully sad and yes there is a difference.
Speaking of differences, when you hear music in Kleinhans Music Hall, it is top shelf acoustics. The sound is wonderful in there and I could hear every instrument. I could zero in on any player and hear exactly what they were doing. The music made my ears feel free. It amplified the joyous melodies and heightened the sad ones. In fact, I mildly teared up a few times from the beauty but there was one song in particular that really had me on the verge. From Ben’s record Songs for Silverman there is this song called Gracie. Gracie is about his daughter Gracie and I believe she is his youngest of 2 children. On the album previous he wrote a song for his son and told a charming story about how Gracie had to wait a few years for her song and how he ran it by her when he finished writing it. When it was played both my eyes welled up and I have to admit I fought it back a little otherwise a few tears would have rolled down my cheek. It made me wonder what would happen if he played “The Luckiest” which is the track that has the most emotional impact on me. With the full effect of the strings on stage I might have needed a bucket. Unfortunately he didn’t play it on this night. For the record:
Songs I wished I could hear: The Luckiest, Army, Selfless Cold and Composed, Philosophy, Fred Jones Part 2, Brick, Don’t Change Your Plans, and Fair.
Songs I was especially thrilled to hear: Narcolepsy, Gracie, Landed, Jesusland, Not the Same, Cologne, Lullabye
Honestly I would have probably needed him to play about 40 songs for me to have heard everything I wanted to. That might’ve taken a while and that's a credit to him. After about 90 minutes he has only made it through about 15 songs and I was floating on a cloud when suddenly it was “thank you, good night!” He walked off the stage and the place went ballistic. He came back out for 1 encore and left again, this time with the whole Orchestra which seemed ominous. The place continued to go bananas but he didn’t return. I thought maybe he’d come back out on his own to play a few. About half the crowd was still in their seats and as loud as possible for almost 10 minutes but he didn’t return. Finally after those 10 minutes passed and the heartiest and most optimistic were starting to depart an usher approached my friend and I and told us it was time to go. We told her how we were holding out hope, how maybe Ben was trying to weed out the casual fans and then he’d return to the stage and belt out a few more but it was not to be. She explained that the Orchestra and basically everyone were salaried and they were only scheduled for a certain amount of time. If they went over it, overtime would have to be paid and as we know, overtime pay isn’t something too many people are giving out these days. The next day Ben confirmed it on his twitter by saying thanks to Buffalo and that he wished he could have come back out but there were circumstances preventing that.
In conclusion I must say that this is among the top 5 best shows I’ve ever seen along with Ben Folds at a bar/club (Clutch Cargo) that used to be a church outside of Detroit, The HORDE fest in 97 with Beck, Morphine, Primus, Ben Folds Five, Neil Young and others, Elvis Costello with Feist at the Knox last year and probably Radiohead in the Canadian moonlight outside Toronto around 2000. I hate to say this person is my favorite singer, band or whatever because if you tracked every year of my life from when I started to care about music until now there’s almost a new favorite band every year! But with 4 Ben Folds concerts under my belt and with my ownership of every major CD and DVD of his that’s been put out I guess you could say that Ben is my favorite musician. I look forward to the next show but getting back to my favorite singers or bands for each year of my life deal, this might be fun… or embarrassing. I think I may start that blog next.
by the way, the photo isn't mine. It was taken by Toronto photographer Sara Collaton, all credit goes to her.
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