I must admit that I like me. I think I’m very clever and I
think I have great taste. Plus I think I’ve grown wiser with the years that
have passed and the decisions err mistakes I’ve made. Unfortunately the public
consensus will most likely contradict my personal love affair. The facts are in
and they aren’t good. First is that I may have less friends now than 10 years
ago. Next are all the gray hairs, the extra weight, the dental problems. The
fact is I’m getting a bit older. I don’t hold the same appeal I used to have
back in the day and the current generation doesn’t get me nor do I get them. My
viability and local celebrity have taken a hit. It’s unfortunate because there
is still plenty of life in these older bones. There are still plenty of ideas
in here and there’s still plenty of money to be made but alas there’s no accounting
for taste. The bottom line and the will of the people dictate that a change
must happen. We need to improve. So never mind the fact that the current Edwin
is awesome. We will downplay Edwin’s cult status with those who know him in
lieu of attracting a larger fanbase. We need more Edwin fans!
We need to refresh and repackage me so that I may take what is essentially a good core idea (me) and get it out there all over again for public consumption. We aren’t going to spray Febreze on me and call me fresh. No no, we are going to completely retool and update me to reach a whole new generation of fans. To do this we are going to take a page out of Hollywood’s playbook. Much like the Star Trek series, Superman, Batman and a host of 80’s horror movies and comedies it’s time for a reboot. We are going to carefully attempt to take the original idea and redo it as if I never existed before this moment yet still pay homage to the Edwin of old. It’s a delicate balance but when it’s done right it’s Batman Begins or the Dark Knight but when it’s done wrong it’s The Omen, Amityville Horror, the Karate Kid and Texas Chainsaw Massacre or the 500 upcoming films in production like the new Breakfast Club, Poltergeist, The Warriors, Neverending Story and who knows what else. You know they’ll all suck. Anyway as you might have figured, we’re shooting for Batman.
For you hardcore Edwin fans have no worries, we are going to keep a lot of the core principles of what made me who I am. You have to understand we are certainly trying to get new Edwin fans but at the same time we do not want to alienate the diehard fanbase (after the fact we are rebooting in the first place)… we want to build upon it.
While the final cut of the new Edwin is not finished and the reboot is still in production, I can verify that these things will stay the same: I am still half Puerto Rican. I am still 6’3” tall. I still have a great love for music and sports. Plus I will have had roughly the same childhood and upbringing as those things are not essential to the makeover, but may be very important to the diehards and original fans. That’s why they still remain intact, albeit in the background. We must appease the whiny loyal “Ed-Heads” from way back.
On the other hand we’ve implemented some pretty nifty ideas to enhance the appeal of the new me. We don’t have much of a budget for the reboot so there’s not too much CGI involved but we feel this is to our advantage as many people are getting burnt out on CGI and there’s not enough to annoy you but enough to recognize that this is some awesome modern stuff here. So instead of relying on a bunch of effects, we’ve had to use a lot of thinking and brainstorming to tweak the protagonist. We think some of the changes will really update the Edwin character for the dawn of this new decade and open me up to a much larger audience. Here are some of the “rumored” changes for the rebooted version of me:
-The first is now I have one brown eye and one green eye. We think this will add a mysteriousness, uniqueness and intensity that may have been lacking and that we think will appeal to the Twilight crowd and Bowie fans.
-No more retail for me. The reboot will feature Edwin with a new career as a wisecracking, thick-skinned bartender with a sensitive and charming side that makes me very popular. Of course this job will be a cover or ruse as Edwin will have another job behind the scenes as a conflicted vigilante art thief who is trying to go legit. We think this will appeal to the people who think they are cool but aren’t crowd.
-The new Edwin will be involved in a love triangle and he won’t even know it. It will be tragic. We think this will bring in lovelorn nerds and whatever Twilight people we couldn’t grab with the 2 different colored eyes angle.
-The new Edwin will have crazy tattoos in the form of sleeves on both arms. The tats will consist of angels, devils, Chinese characters and skulls. We think this will appeal to young men, male teens and pro wrestling fans.
-The new and improved Edwin will live in a flat with his loyal dog Bartleby. Bart will be half Husky and half Labrador and will have unique talents like being able to change the channels on the cable remote when Edwin is out of the room and of course he always alerts Edwin at the slightest sign of trouble. We think a loveable and loyal companion will improve Edwin’s standing with the adult women demographic.
-Among other changes featured: He shops exclusively at Whole Foods but never buys anything too overpriced. He’s a master freestyle skateboarder (which will come in handy in the reboot) and he knows a cool blind, homeless bluesman named “Stacks” who often sits on the outside steps of his building. Unlike most homeless people this guy offers sage like advice and seems to be incredibly bright, clean and well put together despite being without a home. Also Stacks never seems to ask for money or anything but rebooted Edwin gives him food and old jazz records all the time. “Stacks” t-shirts are already being planned.
Now that you’ve read the trailer for this new Edwin, we hope this will entice you, pique your interest and bring those who never knew or walked away from Edwin back with renewed enthusiasm in the franchise.
Look for the new Edwin this Spring coming to a coffeeshop near you. Edwin is not yet rated.
We need to refresh and repackage me so that I may take what is essentially a good core idea (me) and get it out there all over again for public consumption. We aren’t going to spray Febreze on me and call me fresh. No no, we are going to completely retool and update me to reach a whole new generation of fans. To do this we are going to take a page out of Hollywood’s playbook. Much like the Star Trek series, Superman, Batman and a host of 80’s horror movies and comedies it’s time for a reboot. We are going to carefully attempt to take the original idea and redo it as if I never existed before this moment yet still pay homage to the Edwin of old. It’s a delicate balance but when it’s done right it’s Batman Begins or the Dark Knight but when it’s done wrong it’s The Omen, Amityville Horror, the Karate Kid and Texas Chainsaw Massacre or the 500 upcoming films in production like the new Breakfast Club, Poltergeist, The Warriors, Neverending Story and who knows what else. You know they’ll all suck. Anyway as you might have figured, we’re shooting for Batman.
For you hardcore Edwin fans have no worries, we are going to keep a lot of the core principles of what made me who I am. You have to understand we are certainly trying to get new Edwin fans but at the same time we do not want to alienate the diehard fanbase (after the fact we are rebooting in the first place)… we want to build upon it.
While the final cut of the new Edwin is not finished and the reboot is still in production, I can verify that these things will stay the same: I am still half Puerto Rican. I am still 6’3” tall. I still have a great love for music and sports. Plus I will have had roughly the same childhood and upbringing as those things are not essential to the makeover, but may be very important to the diehards and original fans. That’s why they still remain intact, albeit in the background. We must appease the whiny loyal “Ed-Heads” from way back.
On the other hand we’ve implemented some pretty nifty ideas to enhance the appeal of the new me. We don’t have much of a budget for the reboot so there’s not too much CGI involved but we feel this is to our advantage as many people are getting burnt out on CGI and there’s not enough to annoy you but enough to recognize that this is some awesome modern stuff here. So instead of relying on a bunch of effects, we’ve had to use a lot of thinking and brainstorming to tweak the protagonist. We think some of the changes will really update the Edwin character for the dawn of this new decade and open me up to a much larger audience. Here are some of the “rumored” changes for the rebooted version of me:
-The first is now I have one brown eye and one green eye. We think this will add a mysteriousness, uniqueness and intensity that may have been lacking and that we think will appeal to the Twilight crowd and Bowie fans.
-No more retail for me. The reboot will feature Edwin with a new career as a wisecracking, thick-skinned bartender with a sensitive and charming side that makes me very popular. Of course this job will be a cover or ruse as Edwin will have another job behind the scenes as a conflicted vigilante art thief who is trying to go legit. We think this will appeal to the people who think they are cool but aren’t crowd.
-The new Edwin will be involved in a love triangle and he won’t even know it. It will be tragic. We think this will bring in lovelorn nerds and whatever Twilight people we couldn’t grab with the 2 different colored eyes angle.
-The new Edwin will have crazy tattoos in the form of sleeves on both arms. The tats will consist of angels, devils, Chinese characters and skulls. We think this will appeal to young men, male teens and pro wrestling fans.
-The new and improved Edwin will live in a flat with his loyal dog Bartleby. Bart will be half Husky and half Labrador and will have unique talents like being able to change the channels on the cable remote when Edwin is out of the room and of course he always alerts Edwin at the slightest sign of trouble. We think a loveable and loyal companion will improve Edwin’s standing with the adult women demographic.
-Among other changes featured: He shops exclusively at Whole Foods but never buys anything too overpriced. He’s a master freestyle skateboarder (which will come in handy in the reboot) and he knows a cool blind, homeless bluesman named “Stacks” who often sits on the outside steps of his building. Unlike most homeless people this guy offers sage like advice and seems to be incredibly bright, clean and well put together despite being without a home. Also Stacks never seems to ask for money or anything but rebooted Edwin gives him food and old jazz records all the time. “Stacks” t-shirts are already being planned.
Now that you’ve read the trailer for this new Edwin, we hope this will entice you, pique your interest and bring those who never knew or walked away from Edwin back with renewed enthusiasm in the franchise.
Look for the new Edwin this Spring coming to a coffeeshop near you. Edwin is not yet rated.
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