When I first encountered the phrase “the roller coaster ride of life” I was afraid. First of all I am afraid of roller coasters so that phrase naturally had an uncomfortable feeling for me but when I really thought about it I didn’t like the idea of life moving so fast, going really high, then really low, side to side and for a loop. I don’t like to rush. I don’t like big loop de loops. I don’t like going 60 MPH in a car. That’s who I am. I’d rather avoid the twists and turns and live a life full of balance, loyalty, consistency and stability. I like to keep the surprises to a minimum but that’s not to say I won’t mix up things in daily life.
I’ll walk down a new street to get somewhere. I’ll be happy to try a new restaurant. I’ll impulse buy a t-shirt that I see online or at some little store. I’m not afraid of the kiddie coaster. Those are the kinds of twists and turns I like… little ones. I don’t know where my path leads but I cling to it and do everything I can to stay on it despite the allure that tempts me to leave it. I’m looking for comfort on my adventures if that makes sense.
As you might expect there are positives in living this way and there are some negatives too. You can decide what you think they are. I try not to get too high or too low but sometimes life knocks on your door and leaves a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep for you to stomp out. Other times it rings your doorbell and gives you flowers.
Ed note: At this point I was going to whine about the annoying parts of my day and rejoice in the beauty of the instant rebound. I was going to tell you about how my heater was not operational and how I was freezing this morning with my space heater keeping the apartment over 60 but not too comfy. I was going to add how I woke up late because I was hiding under the covers and disregarded time making me very late for work today.
I was going to continue with how listless I feel with my job and how I didn’t really care about being late because I knew the building was going to be freezing today. I took my time getting ready and I even stopped at the mini-mart on my walk into work to get cocoa because what’s a better partner to accompany me into a chilly place than a fistful of hot cocoa?
Unfortunately the mini-mart had a serious problem with their cash register. They had a modern computerized system that probably saved a ton of time and limited mistakes from what they must have had a decade earlier. Of course I tell you this because today is the day it comes crashing down. I’m standing there 3rd in line with a 24 oz. hot cocoa, an orange juice and a soda but I’m getting any closer because the register is freaking out. It won’t open, it won’t reset and it pretty much will not do anything.
A second worker arrives on the scene and offers advice and tries to help with the problem. It’s funny to me because everything he suggest the first guy already tried and he proceeds to swat the guy’s fingers away repeatedly… “I already tried that!” After about 5 minutes from the mini-mart comedy team the owner or at least the guy in charge arrives. Once again they attempt to do things that were already tried and sighs and the smacking of gums start to become more frequent. It almost became melodic. In fact in one space where it was really quiet I took a deep breath and sighed just to keep the music going.
Now I’m standing there for 15 minutes holding that cocoa and I won’t sip it because I haven’t paid for it yet but I have moved up to 2nd in line because one of the people in front of me gave up. Another pleaded with the cashiers by offering to give them extra cash for his coffee if he could leave but they wouldn’t allow it. After banging their heads against the wall for a while they basically treated the register like our internet connections. They unplugged it and then plugged it back in. It took a few more minutes but the register was fully operational once again. I got out of there after 15-20 minutes and realized I was incredibly late for work.
I was going to continue by telling you how I was feeling like poop for getting in so late and then right off the bat, before I can even take off my jacket someone mentions to me a problem that we had that I was responsible for. I don’t make many mistakes at work but if I do I get really angry with myself. I started to think this was the worst Friday in quite some time and it wasn’t even noon yet.
Not long after I arrived my cell phone rings and it’s a teacher friend of mine who was off of work again. He said, “Hey, you wanna get lunch over at India Gate?” At this point I had only been at work for a little over half an hour but the thought of yummy Indian food to break my mood was too tempting to refuse. I said yes and suddenly I was on my way to enjoy a nice lunch.
It was everything I hoped it would be. In the lunch buffet they had a chicken dish I like, some delicious squash and they even had strawberry mousse. I ate a nice amount and chatted with my friend about sports, life and the future. I went back to work with a smile on my face and Indian food smell absorbed into my clothes.
When I returned I discovered that an annoying task that would have been mine to do was given to someone else since I wasn’t around. My smile grew. Then I made a plan with a friend of mine to go out to see those Christmas movies next weekend I posted a few days ago. I finally got someone to come along! The day had made a 180 degree turn and suddenly everything was groovy and gravy, whichever one is better.
I was going to wax philosophical about the ups and downs of life and how the highest highs and lowest lows could happen in one single day. Then it happened…
At 3pm I went on my break and logged into facebook wondering what wacky things people were up to and then I see it. My nephew posted an RIP message about his Aunt. I scrolled down and then I saw what her daughter and my niece wrote. Then I reread it because sometimes we seem to think that if we reread bad news that it will be different that 2nd time. It wasn’t and this is how I found out that one of my older sisters was gone.
I started tearing up for many reasons. I had many good memories of her and I always looked upon her favorably. Unfortunately I hadn’t seen her in over a decade and I started to feel anger with myself over that. There was never any problems or anything like that, it was just after our father died in 1996 I went into a shell that I have not really come out of. Ever since our father passed I’ve dealt with deep personal things by not dealing. I’ve battled depression and stress. These were probably things that I should have shared with and battled with the rest of the family but I’m an idiot sometimes. The point is that I haven’t seen her in long time and I feel awful for it now that she’s gone. I hope she’s in a better place and is no longer in pain or suffering in any way.
Things like this happen and all my little troubles and games that I play with myself pale in comparison.
One of the things I learned about my father passing was that it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to let those things out. It’s important to let those things out. It’s important to let those things out with friends and family and it wasn’t a lesson I learned right away. It took many years after his death for me to learn that because I held everything in. For so long I carried the weight. I carried resentment, fear, anger and so many other things that aren’t healthy companions on my life’s path. I almost turned to the dark side.
When my friend committed suicide in 2003 I cried for days. I cried through the ceremony, and I hugged everyone I could. Afterwards we sat around and talked and talked and everything came out. While it ended up being a cathartic and positive experience it’s not a ride I ever wanted to take again. Now I realize that it is inevitable.
So how do I feel? How I feel right now is a combination of sadness and joy. I feel obvious sadness for someone who I knew, who I spent time with, who is family, who I cared about, who meant a great deal to others and who is now gone. On the other hand I want to feel an incredible joy for life because it has revealed itself to me yet again to be very precious indeed.
I want to hug all of my friends. I want to hug all of my family. I want to walk into the sunset with my eyes open and I want to walk into the moonlight with my eyes closed. I want to sit at the head of a table holding the most magnificent feast. I want to score a diving touchdown. I want to kiss a pretty female softly on the lips. I want to shovel my neighbor’s sidewalks and give ten dollar bills to those on the street digging through garbage cans for refundable recyclables. I want to dive headlong into a vat of milk chocolate. I want to read Christmas stories to little ones and listen to children explaining what they want for Christmas like Santa Claus. I want to surprise and provide. I want to compliment and reinforce. I want to give and share. I want to love and be loved. Most of all I want to live. RIP Wanda.
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