Sometimes you meet someone of the opposite sex and you don’t have any expectations or hopes. You think, well this seems like a cool person that I should know but you are intrigued because you feel this connection to them that you can’t explain. How often does that actually happen? Furthermore, this female is not what you would normally be attracted to physically, short and blonde instead of tall and brunette, which is what always drives me crazy. Does it mean anything?
Over time and continued meetings you begin to find that the skepticism fades and embraceable warmth takes over. You start to like the person and feel comfortable in their presence. Before too long you become real friends. I guess that’s what happens to most people. However if you are me in this case you get hit by the thunderbolt and fall for someone who hasn’t fallen for you and find yourself feeling like the stupidest person you know.
Hindsight starts to beat you down with insecurity and self-doubt. You start to think I should have known that someone like her would never go for a guy like me. You ask yourself, what was I thinking? Why would I do this to myself? Why did I get so hopeful that if I let her in a little she’d like it there? The answer is I didn’t do it. Neither did she. Sometimes the thunderbolt just hits you and you are powerless to change how you feel until it’s too late to reverse your ground. Suddenly you realize you are in over your head and you like someone more than they like you. Such inequalities are never pleasant. Maybe you misread things. Maybe indisputable factors start to dawn on you. Like for instance, perhaps you realize that she in fact has many suitors and guess what, these other guys are thinner than you are. They have more security, money and some might be better looking. See, I told you there was an insecurity beatdown.
The fact of the matter is that I got to know this person a bit over several dinners and activities and I started to develop feelings for her. I care about her. Now this is me, the guy who’s so comfortable being single most of the time. This is me, the guy who’s hardly attracted to anyone and never lets anyone in. This is me, the guy who is more attracted to fantasy than reality. This is me, the guy who always gets hurt if things go past a few initial dates.
Whenever I break it off with someone it always happens quickly. I go a date, maybe 2 and I just know. Whenever things go on longer than that the female always breaks it off with me. Do I have a clearer idea of what I want, is workable or what I think I can fall for? I dunno, but I wonder about it. I think that because we continued to see each other I thought that meant we were building into something, like a natural progression. Whenever a woman takes such an interest in me I assume it must be romantic attraction. You know what they say about assumption.
When did I go from just kinda liking this girl to really liking her and caring about her so much? I don’t even know. It just hit me… like a thunderbolt. Unfortunately I can’t take it back. I mean, I can cut the feeling off. I can ignore it or convince myself that those emotions are useless and shelf them. Guys are like that. We compartmentalize and can separate work from play, business from pleasure and feelings from friends. We can be completely warm to someone on our right and completely cold to someone on our left. The point is I’ll get over it. It isn’t like this is when the woman I thought I was going to spend my life with left me and shattered my world.
When it boils down to it that is what I am looking for. I’m looking for someone wonderful who I don’t just want to date, hook up with or even have sex with. I’m looking for someone to share my life with. I want someone who will make me laugh everyday and vice versa. I want someone I can give unique heartfelt things I’ve created like poems, CDs and videos. I want someone who inspires me and appreciates me for the weird, thoughtful, silly, sensitive, funny, supportive, simple enigma that I am. I want to be with someone that no matter what I am doing with them, I know it’s going to be better because they are there beside me. I thought I might have found her but I didn’t. I’ll get over it. People go through this all the time. I never really do and maybe that’s why I take it so hard.
Despite getting a bit hurt here, I have no regrets. I learned long ago that the heart wants what the heart wants. I don’t question it nor do I regret any feelings I had. However, it is embarrassing to have misread a situation like this so badly and to have cultivated the conditions the correct way for something like this to develop within and the heart to intervene. For someone who trusts his instincts and follows them religiously, to goof up like this is a real blow to their credibility. So back to the lab I go to learn from mistakes and sharpen my senses. In conclusion, I’ll be okay in a short period of time. I’ll still care about this person despite my disappointment, the redefinition of our relationship that will now have to take place in my mind and the subsequent ridicule I feel. Yeah so I fell down. I know the world will keep on turning.
In the short term, I feel stupid… and alone. But at least I’m used to the last part.
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