I’m a firm believer in following the signs. I like to go with the flow, let the breezes blow me wherever they see fit. I’m willing to do this inside of the context of my life. I have rules and inside those rules resides flexibility. It’s a formula I like very much. I have iron clad ideals and morals and they will not bend for anything. That gives me honor and self-respect. Inside of that I have a deep love for life, new experiences and all the little things. That gives me pleasure.
One of the most pleasing things I find in life is when I feel like nature, fate or something I cannot easily explain gives me a sign, or a nudge and I follow it and there is a positive result. The hard part is, what things can be interpreted as a sign? If we want to see them signs are everywhere. Ever notice how many silver hatchbacks you see out there when you buy a silver hatchback for yourself? I guess it’s up to us to figure it out. Perhaps it’s all ridiculous belief. Perhaps it’s ridiculous disbelief. I don’t know. I don’t claim to have the answers. I just know what I like. I know what I believe works for me. Sometimes I notice things and I let them guide me. When this happens for me, it can feel like there is some mystical force out there lending a hand. How cool is that?
Today at work I had the pleasure to meet Sam. Sam is a guy from Toronto who comes to town once in a while to sell us merchandise. He calls all the time. He’s always trying to talk my boss into buying music in bulk. After being in his presence for a few hours today I can tell you a lot more about him. He seems like a great guy. He knows a ton about music. He tends to curse a lot and oh, he has a very advanced case of Parkinson’s disease.
We see people like Michael J. Fox or Muhammad Ali on television and we see them twitch and our hearts cry out to them. Hell I do it too. I love those guys and what they’ve given to us. I wish no one would ever have to have their life taken away in this manner. Today I saw a guy who looked 5 times worse than those celebrities ever have on television. It broke my heart. In fact other than a few quick words in the beginning we didn’t talk at all. I was entrenched in my work and he was negotiating prices with my boss for most of the time he was there.
Needless to say he couldn’t sit still. He was all over the place, all over the room. It’s a huge room too. While my attention was mostly on my duties, out of the corners of my eye I could see someone moving around so spastically that it almost looked like dancing. That is until my eyes gazed upon him completely. I could see how crazy this disease looked 10 feet away from me… arms and legs jerking in every direction. Occasionally I’d hear him curse about his condition when he’d try to pick up something or if a kick was a little harder than usual.
He never really looked at me. I made sure not to look at him for more than a few seconds at a time. One, I didn’t want him to see me looking at him and two, if I looked at him for more than 2 seconds I would start to well up. There was a period of about 30 minutes where he wasn’t in my peripheral vision and I had my iPod turned up high enough where I couldn’t hear the thrashing but I knew it was there. Then there was about 15 minutes where he got really bad, so bad in fact that you couldn’t understand what he saying. Luckily he had a few friends with him who made the trip down and they knew he needed his medication. So that medication kept him how he had been for most of the time he was here. I was amazed. About 20 minutes later when the meds kicked in he was back to incredibly spastic and joking again. I felt so much admiration for his courage. He is obviously in terrible shape yet he soldiers on. He’s still doing what he loves, buying and selling music. He has every right to throw in the towel and he won’t do it. No one would blame him if he did.
After a few hours he finally completed his sale to us and left with his friends on the drive back to Toronto. The room stood still to me. It was quiet. There was no movement. My boss sat down exhausted, not only for trying to do business with Sam for several hours but also for trying to get the old man who owns our company to shell out some cash to buy product. I was doing my work with my fingers clicking away at my computer but my mind was far away.
I started thinking about the big picture. I started thinking about why I saw what I saw. Was this a sign? Like I said earlier who knows, but it certainly makes you think. Between this, my oldest friend’s niece getting brutally murdered last week and many other things I’ve seen and heard very recently I’m reminded how precious life is. Life is a miracle and we are all examples. I’m thinking about getting more serious about my life so not to squander the gift we’ve been given.
For example, I think about my life and how I’ve been lonely for years. I think about how I see the world. I’ve been waiting around a long time. I’ve been incredibly picky and aloof. I feel like how dare I act this way. Ever since my last relationship ended many years ago I’ve been looking for the perfect person. I think the reason for this is fear. I think because I’m afraid to let someone in, afraid to love and afraid of getting hurt so deeply again I’ve been missing out on life in some way. I think that the perfect woman would never hurt me. After all she’d be perfect. Unfortunately Milla Jovovich isn’t coming through my door in ace bandages. People are dying, deteriorating and changing all around me and I’m sitting around waiting for this angel to come release me. All the while so many wonderful women have come and gone in my life. In fact, I’ve met some of the most beautiful and amazing women I’ve ever met recently.
The truth is, there is no perfect woman. As I am not perfect the woman I love will not be either. Furthermore I think the signs have convinced me to no longer be afraid. The signs have convinced me to give love, let love in and live. The signs are speaking to me… I think I understand. I'm sure something or someone will let me know if I don't. :)
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