With the rapture only hours away I started thinking, what’s the deal with the rapture? As far as I know all the Christian believers will go to heaven. Is that all there is to it? There are plenty of bad people who believe, do they get to go too? I mean they believe… they just don’t care. Do they get to go? Or does the fact they are bad predispose them to being non-believers despite them thinking they are true believers? Forgive my ignorance on the subject but I am a skeptic. I’m one of those people who would like to believe but simply cannot without proof of some kind. If you are the religious sort you would be happy to know that I do follow many of the moral lessons and guidelines suggested by the good book despite my reluctance to accept everything I’m told as the gospel, pun intended.
My case of disbelief would certainly be alleviated tomorrow once I see Jesus guiding souls to heaven. Then I’d know why I wanted to believe most of my life, because way in the back of my mind I did! It would just take the sight of Mr. Christ to trigger it and fix that problem. So maybe, just maybe as a last second believer I would get to go to the promised land after all. With that in mind it just occurred to me, I may be going on a huge trip in a few hours! I should make my rapture list. We’ll call it things to do before I’m saved tomorrow:
Things to do before I’m saved:
1. Survive a zombie attack: I’ve always wanted to be in a zombie movie and get attacked by brain starved zombies. Of course I always wanted to survive the attack too. Sadly just this week the CDC released this guide on how to survive a zombie attack: http://emergency.cdc.gov/socialmedia/zombies_blog.asp Unless I get attacked by zombies tonight or sometime tomorrow, I’ll never get a chance to use what I’ve learned. Oh well.
2. Get caught up in a scandal: I’ve always wanted to be caught up in a scandal. I don’t mean murder or something illegal, just something scandalous that everyone will gossip about. For instance I could replace the usual coffee with decaf today. Since I don’t drink coffee here at work and never go near the coffeemaker no one would think it was me. Plus I’ll plant an empty decaf coffee packet on top of the trash, walk by and say, “Hey guys, when did you switch to decaf?” Then sit back and let the scandal run its course with everyone pointing fingers and accusing everyone else of switching the coffee. Muhahahahaha!
3. Send everyone I love and value emails: If you receive an email or message from me today or tomorrow you can be sure you are someone I love, value and cherish. It would make sense to say goodbye. However, if we both end up on the same trip, we’ll have a good laugh while we think about all the suckers, err non-believers left behind.
4. Arroz con Pollo: If I’m going away I really feel like I should have a fine Arroz con Pollo dinner before I go. There’s no telling if they have Latin food in heaven… now that I think about it, is there food in heaven? Do you get hungry in the afterlife? Let’s see, hunger is a by-product of the body and since we will no longer have our bodies maybe things like a need for sleep, food, cleaning and sex will be things of the past. Which leads me to…
5. Have sex: Gosh I’m sure going to miss sex in the afterlife. Considering how long it’s been for me, you’d think I was raptured years ago. I’m thinking J.C. and his dad may frown upon cheap meaningless sex right before the journey so obviously I need to make it meaningful. It’s clear what I need to do. I need to find someone, get married and then have marital relations before 6pm tomorrow. Any takers?
6. Pretend the Bills have won the Super Bowl and/or the Sabres the Stanley Cup: I’m going to have to take a few minutes and pretend that the impossible has happened… no not the rapture, I’ll have to pretend that Buffalo won a major sports championship and then act accordingly. I've always thought I'd see the day at some point point in my lifetime but now with my life flashing before my eyes it's time to wing it. I’m thinking if I jump up and down while screaming for 10 minutes, then cry for 10 more and then polish off that bottle of Kahlua on my counter, that should do it.
7. Play someone a song with a musical instrument: Sadly I never learned how to play piano well BUT I can play one note/finger at a time so if I could find someone who has a birthday tomorrow or soon perhaps I could play them a celebratory version of “Happy Birthday” or maybe even “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” if they prefer. NOTE: I can also play Biz Markie’s “Just a Friend” so my offer extends to the lovelorn and heartbroken.
8. Learn a new dance: Thankfully I might be spending my last night on earth at Soul Night so I’m thinking I could learn a new dance there but I have a fall back plan just in case. There’s this other dance I’m thinking of learning. It’s real easy to do. First you limp to the side like your leg was broken, shakin’ and twitchin’ kind of like you were smokin’…
9. Read my poetry in public: Oh wait, I did this 3 times already. Where were you? For all you know I’m really good. Only one way to find out: see me next at Caffe Aroma on Monday night June 6th at 9pm. Yeah, I worked in a plug for a post-rapture gig. See, that makes me edgy and cool.
10. Write a list of 10 things to do before I’m saved: Check!
Lastly I admit there are some things I was planning to do but now just don’t see the need.
Things I wont do:
-Fix my bike: Maybe if I had 3 days to go
-Get an enhanced license: Who needs to get in Canada when you can get into Heaven!
-Save money: Don’t need money where I’m going… but need money where I am going TONIGHT!
-Q-tip my ears: I did it this morning. I think I am now good for all eternity
-Get a haircut: I think Jesus will appreciate my commitment to long flowing hair and sandals.
By the way, just kidding about all the rapture stuff. If you feel like you are going to be saved tomorrow I’m happy for you… if I haven’t offended you, put in a good word for me.
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