Today is my Dad’s birthday. He’s been gone almost 15 years but if he were still around he’d be 85 today… and probably having a beer or two watching the Yankees game. I miss him for all the reasons you are supposed to miss people you care about but I miss him most of all because I wish I knew him better. 21+ years wasn’t enough time, especially since I was a late bloomer and I was so naïve and unsure of so many things at 21 it wasn’t funny. I’d give almost anything to have a conversation with him now when I’d know what to ask and how to appreciate and understand the answers.
I’m like my dad in a lot of ways. I am a bit mysterious and withdrawn. So many times I wondered what he was thinking but was afraid to ask. I’m internal and passionate like he was but I also have my mom in me. My mom would just talk and talk and talk. She’d say whatever was on her mind and I’m sure I wouldn’t be a blogger if not for her even though she has no idea what a blog is. For all the intellect, passion, awareness, calm and quietness my father gave me I also received an equal doze of silliness, openness, joy, nerves and generosity from my mom. Sometimes it’s hard to balance the two.
This past year I had the pleasure of going to a few family gatherings. Sometimes they weren’t for the best reasons but I always took something wonderful from them. Whether it was catching up, sharing some laughs and warmth, or feeling a little less lonely there was so much to like. But one of my favorite things was when I’d learn something about dad. It’s amazing to me to have lived with the man for 21+ years and not know him as well as I’d like. I was young and wrapped up in whatever young guys worry about. I was off in my own world most of the time and was never really interested in history lessons or stories about the good old days. I hope he didn’t think I wasn’t interested in who I was or where I came from. I was just young and foolish just like he was once upon a time.
Obviously I’ll always remember him and every year on this day I will think long and hard about him remembering the little things and those times he’d let me in. While there may be some regrets in hindsight, I can honestly say that I loved him very much and I know he loved me and even though we didn’t always say it, we both knew. Happy Birthday Dad!
No comments:
Post a Comment