Recently I made the acquaintance of a guy named Chuck. Chuck is not the kind of guy I would be friends with. He’s in his late 40’s, maybe 50. He’s a conservative, doesn’t like music that came out after 1970 and likes to hunt and shoot animals. After talking to him long enough to find all those things out, I knew I wasn’t going to hit it off with this guy. We just didn’t have a lot in common. I diverted my attention to someone more interesting nearby.
Then a strange thing happened. I overheard Chuck talking about relationships. He talked about how he puts his women on a pedestal and because of this; the vast majority never seem good enough. He talked about the fickle reasons he’d use to rule someone out. He mentioned that sometimes it felt like he didn’t really want a relationship because of how picky he could be. He talked about sabotaging his own dates. By this time he noticed that I moved back over to where he was and was listening intently. He smiled and asked if I were a kindred spirit.
I revealed that I was and that I had been since my teen years. This surprised him. He told me that he became this way after he had a meaningful relationship with the girl of his dreams in his mid-20’s and when she left him, he found it hard to find anyone who could measure up to her. My reason for being so selective was based on a dream girl I’ve been dreaming about since I was in high school but had never met, let alone had a relationship with.
He laughed and informed me that I might be more hopeless than he is. He went on to warn me like the ghost of relationships past that I needed to change my ways. “You’re still young” he explained, “You still have time to connect with someone and be happy”. I wasn’t sure how I felt about what he was saying. Was he telling me to drop my standards? He above anyone should know how difficult that would be. When I find something less than I want, I don’t want it, not even a little bit. I can’t pretend when it comes to the heart and other people’s feelings. I couldn’t be with a beautiful woman who only did it for me physically. Before I could offer my skeptical retort he added; “Now I’m not saying that you should lower your expectations that much, but I think it’s important that you get the fantasy of the perfect woman out of your head. She doesn’t exist… and while you are spending all your time looking for this perfect woman, all of these really great woman are passing you by. Basically you gotta stop always looking for something better when you have something great right in front of you, because most times that’s the best we’ll ever get.”
He paused to let me absorb what he said. After a few seconds spent on his words I gave him a reassuring look and a slight nod. It was like I was writing down his words in my mind and I had just caught up. He continued; “I should know. I’ve been fixated on my fantasy for so long that I can never give myself to someone, at least not completely. I’m always partially into them and partially into someone who doesn’t exist anymore. How is that fair to the person I’m with? But I’ve blown it. Now I’m past my prime and it gets harder and harder to meet someone even halfway decent.” He sighed as if revealing that last bit of information hurt him to say. He stood there, silent and relieved as if he’d been waiting to give this speech to someone for a long time. I imagine what he said wasn’t easy for him to say and that it probably took a lot for him to admit he’s been wrong for so long. I didn’t ask him when he figured it all out or what triggered such knowledge and maybe I should have but he gave me plenty to ponder already.
I thanked him for his words and after giving him a firm and thankful handshake I turned to walk away. He had given me so much in only a few minutes and even though I could not completely agree with everything he said, I could not disagree with any of it either. He had been at it longer than I had and the more I thought about it, the more it scared me to think about becoming this man in 12-15 years. He had a point but I know myself. I know I won’t settle. Would I have to learn to settle for someone as he put it, really great instead of perfect? Before I was too far away Chuck called out to me one last time. He said; “Hey kid, one more thing… “Love isn't finding a perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly.” I stopped in my tracks. That sounded so profound. I think he could see the impressed look on my face so he said the last thing he ever said to me; “Don’t worry kid, that’s not mine… but make it yours”.
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