I’ve been feeling different lately. I think it’s because things are changing around me and as a result, inside of me. I believe the change of seasons has something to do with it. I find that I go through 2 big changes in the course of a year. It’s those 2 times when I have to adjust to a changing environment. The first occurs in the spring when I become a phoenix and feel reborn. I feel like I shed layers and open up to the world. The other is when fall begins, when I have to make so many adjustments and I feel like I pull back and withdraw a bit. I’ve often joked about hibernating some years. I am a product of my environment and also being sponge-like has me absorbing the changes around me. Maybe it’s the crunch of the leaves or the appearance of chestnuts at my feet.
The biggest change of many is a lifestyle change this time of year. Most of my recent activities were outdoor ones. There are all the sports, festivals, concerts, events and patios I frequented in recent weeks that are already over or going to be over very soon. The upcoming journeys outside will consist of going from inside to inside. I go from inside my apartment to inside another location. Outside becomes a means to an end and no longer an open ended destination of its own. What will happen is I’m reducing my time spent outside from maybe 50% of my free time to 10% or less. That’s a big adjustment. Plus I have to trade the freedom and playfulness of shorts and t-shirts for the restrictiveness and cover of pants and jackets. Is that a clear enough metaphor for you on how I feel about the seasonal change? While I do miss wearing certain articles of clothing I haven’t been able to wear for almost half a year, I also like having a choice. That is why I will like these next few weeks a lot. One day it will be 65-70 and the next 45-50. I can mix it up clothing wise and I do like that.
There is definitely a natural trade off of beauty between the seasons. The beauty of swaying trees and cute females in less clothing is replaced by colors abound and cute females in cute little hats and outfits. Between nature and women there are surely many subtle and not so subtle layers of beauty that will change or happen during this seasonal shift. Maybe it’s just a human’s natural aversion to changes. We like comfort and stability. Even the most adventurous of us like to be able to count on a few things. It can’t all be different and it’s not but for me there’s this feeling of constriction coming.
Throughout my life I often feel like a loner even in the midst of good friends and caring family. There are times I feel like no one really cares about me even though deep down I know it’s not true. There are also times where I feel like no one gets me, and deep down I know that is true. It’s a product of being a different sort of guy. As someone who has no deep connection to anyone it can be hard for me during this time to not feel isolated and withdrawn. With the conclusion of many of my summertime activities and habits, so goes the company of many summertime friends who I will see less and less this time of year. My sports friends aren’t always my arts friends and vice versa. By the time winter hits I’ll probably be feeling like Mr. Lonely again.
Instead of repeating that vicious cycle of change I’m thinking maybe I should either take proactive measures or make my own changes to avoid the repetition of another perceived down season. I feel like trying something new, like maybe getting involved in a whole new hobby or activity. I dunno, but I need something to keep the joy and momentum of the spring and summer going despite the changes around me. I don’t want to take a break from loving life. It’s been too much fun.
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