It’s rare that my company gives me a holiday off. I think I only get 5 a year which is the minimum required number a company has to give in this state. I had the day all mapped out. It was going to be the best day off ever. I was going to start off with a trip to the zoo this morning and then I would take in Scott Pilgrim vs. the World for the 2nd time with someone who was going for their first. After that I was going to treat myself to dinner somewhere, whether it was me and some friends or just me alone. I was going to live it up on this rare day off.
The day started off ominously when my friend called to bail out on the zoo. I was thinking of bailing out too but if he was still going I definitely would have. I charged my camera and I was very excited about taking pictures of many of the animals and watching the kids getting excited over them. It brings back memories. I didn’t want to go by myself though and with the zoo now out of the picture, I took it easy and watched television until it was time to get ready for the movie.
I went down to the Market Arcade movie theater which is my favorite one in the city and I should also add the only one that still had the film playing in it. I was supposed to meet someone there but she didn’t show. I think there may have been a miscommunication of some sort but oh well, I was there and I couldn’t wait to see the film again. Once it started I felt so giddy. This is definitely one of the best films I’ve seen in years and I am so in love with it. As we got underway I noticed there were very few people in the theater with me. It was basically me and 8 other people. The fact that the 8 people were 4 couples was not lost on me. I was the only loner there. This would have made me feel sad but the movie had started and I got sucked in once again.
Did I mention yet how big of a crush I have on Ramona Flowers? She’s so pretty, stylish and mysterious. That’s a very sexy combination. Plus she has those big pretty eyes, so full of life and wonder. Big eyes can go one of two ways. They can go the big pretty Ramona Flowers way or the big creepy way. I love looking into big pretty eyes. You can get lost in there. It doesn’t matter what color they are.
Once the movie ended and I teared up a little bit at Scott and Ramona taking a chance together I looked around at all the couples. Two of them were snuggling and man was I jealous. I rose up and left before anyone else. On the one hand the amazing film got my emotions swirling. I’m a frequent and vivid dreamer and that film is about a man finding his dream girl while living in what seemed like a dream world. I relate to it so easily. On the other once the reality returned and the credits began to roll I felt very alone.
On a purely critical note about the movie, it was just like the first time… after it ended I wanted to see it again right then and there. The imagery and style of the film floors me and makes me giddy like a schoolgirl. I want to see it again but it’s only at the Market Arcade, Transit Regal and the Drive in, and that may only last until Thursday. Maybe I’ll do it Thursday night.
After I left the theater it was getting near 4pm. The sun was out and there was a nice breeze. My mind was flooded with thoughts, ideas and dreams. I had so much going on. I decided at that point to walk home. It would be a long walk but it would be a good walk. I made my way north toward home and I let my mind go to work. I took side streets and quiet streets so I would have less interruptions and distractions.
I thought about how much I loved that film and how much my life is empty without my Ramona Flowers. What a thrill it is to rise in the morning knowing you are loved and that you love. What a thrill it is to spend parts of your day thinking of ways to show them that love. What a thrill it must be to see their love in response to yours. My capacity to love and give is so deep but I hate that I’m wasting away and I don’t get to tap into that vast well of goodness.
I had so much on my mind during the walk back I didn’t even go to my mp3 player right away. For the first time ever I thought about moving away. I love my hometown and I have friends and relatives here I care about very much but my life is so empty and alone. I wonder if my life will always be this way. I mean, you’ll never find anyone with more hope and realistic optimism than me but I’ve been wishing and hoping for a few decades now with very little to show for it. I’m not saying I plan to move away but due to my perpetual loneliness the thought has now crossed my mind.
I thought it was going to take me about an hour to get home from downtown but surprisingly I made it in less than 40 minutes. When I made it to within a few blocks of my place I decided I needed to keep walking so I did. I wandered around my neighborhood a little until finally I became thirsty and instead of spending dinero on agua from some nearby store I remembered I had Gatorade and Aquafina at home so I finally broke down and returned there.
Once I sat down I started to write. I wrote poems, I wrote about an idea and I started this. I felt bummed out, so much so that I turned down an invitation to go out for dinner from a friend. Instead I sat alone and thought. I thought and then I over thought. My mood went from bad to worse and then I did the ultimate wrong, I ordered food. I ate some bad food and I ate a lot of it. While I did I felt good for that 15-20 minutes but shortly afterwards I regretted it. Maybe if I hadn’t been alone I wouldn’t have committed such an act. I probably should have accepted my friend’s invitation.
Feeling guilty about it I went out this evening and I walked some more. I walked all over the parkways and quiet streets with music pumping in my ears and my legs full of energy. I walked around for an hour straight and when I returned home I still felt guilty but this was a change in me. If I had ate really badly before I would have just sat there and hated myself for the duration of the day and maybe the next one too. Tonight all I wanted to do was get outside and walk for a long time. I don’t know if I burned off all the excess calories I took in but it was certainly better than sitting around being mad at myself.
Tomorrow is a new day and I will start again to eat responsibly but today was a reminder of my weakness and what can happen to me when I get really sad. I know I’ll be okay again in a few days but I’d feel better a lot faster if I wasn’t alone.
No comments:
Post a Comment