Change (8-15-12)

"If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living."

-Gail Sheehy

If you look closely you can start to find changes all around. Leaves are starting to fall to the earth. Nights are becoming bearable for sleep. There’s a subtly changing vibe in the air. There are different colors, new events on the horizon, current events wrapping up. Shakespeare in the Park is in its last week. The Tuesday night Bidwell park concert series just concluded and Thursday at the Harbor only has 2 shows left. The Buffalo Bisons’ baseball season is nearly over. Football and hockey (hopefully) are right around the corner. I was telling someone recently that every time fall approaches I get excited because fall is my favorite season. Then when spring arrives 6 months later, spring becomes my favorite season… at least until the next fall. It goes on and on like that, always has been and while summer and winter are pretty reliable and predictable in terms of what you are going to get there’s always something exciting about fall and spring because of what you are going to get…  you’re going to get changes and a lot of them. 

The weather is the most obvious one and that alone has a cause and effect relationship with plenty of other changes. Off the top of my head I can think of quite a few that I make or notice during the fall: Clothes that haven’t been worn in a long time return to the rotation. Scarves, slacks and jeans in particular return to the daily party. The sunsets seem crisper. Butternut squash is back in season! I love the vibrant earthy colors. I’ll start drinking teas and wearing sleeves. There’s the anticipation and excitement of Halloween. I also love the sound of crackling leaves under foot. I definitely begin to pine a little more than usual for someone to snuggle with on those increasing chilly nights and of course, I get an intense craving for all things pumpkiny! Yes, I fall for fall... cheesy but true.

"The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance."

-Alan Watts

But all those changes notwithstanding this fall feels more significant than many of my recent ones. The first thing and biggest thing is that I’m moving into a new apartment for the first time in over 4 years. Moving is always an annoying endeavor but at the same time it’s still kind of fun and I’m feeling optimistic as this new place is bigger, complete with 2 porches (front and back), full laundry and a new roommate. Now I haven’t had a roommate in 5+ years so that will be an adjustment but she isn’t a clingy person so I can be distant when I need to be and that probably won’t bother her. I’ve also known her for several years and she seems to be very respectful of space and things like that so this is looking like more of a fun thing than a scary thing at this point.

“Change in all things is sweet.”

-Aristotle

In addition to new digs, I’ve been making new friends, moving on from some others. Things keep moving. Perhaps it’s all part of this momentum I’ve slowly been gaining over the last few years... the poetry, the ongoing weight loss and the slow and steady happiness I’ve been accumulating over time. Perhaps I need to keep making changes… sprinkling them in when I can so I can keep growing and evolving. It seemed like for many years there I was stuck, unsure and afraid of everything, completely raw, insecure and hating myself for all the wrong reasons.

When did it change? I’m not 100% sure but I do remember I started to meet quality new people with good energy and then something happened inside of me, sparks were ignited and I got off my ass and started to make some gradual changes. I overcame some fears, generated my own positive energy and here I am walking on this exciting road. Am I moving in the right direction? Does it matter? I have a long way to go but I’m moving and that seems right enough. Besides, I can’t talk about right or wrong until I get to where I’m going but I’ve found in this life that the travel is usually better than the destination and it’s so much better to walk a thousand miles to an unknown but hopeful place than to be waiting on some corner I know all too well for transit that will probably never come while lamenting my lack of wings. 

I’ve discovered while I’m not always ready for them, changes can be good and when I can dictate them like I’ve been doing most of the time lately, they can be very exciting indeed despite any reservations I may have. I can’t help but feel nervous about them. I think that’s true of most people. But me, I’m all about routines. I’m all about easy living, comfort and simple pleasures and I think I sometimes have to go along kicking and screaming a bit in the beginning when I shake things up as I cautiously embrace these changes, because I find them how I always found them, exciting but scary. Sometimes being scared is fun though, it’s part of the reason why I’ve always loved horror movies and when you push yourself to overcome your fears, you discover new worlds and learn more about yourself much like the hero/heroine does when they defeat the monster or villain. We hardly know of the strength within us until we are called upon to use it. Change will do that. Change can test us. Changes can stress us out but in the end they make us stronger. Some changes are certainly easier than others and deciding to make changes can lead to uncertain results but there is one thing that is for certain in our daily lives no matter how much we resist, change.

“If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.”

-Maya Angelou

Poetry 201: Recaps and Recordings (8-3-12)

A week ago today I was stressed and excited like you wouldn’t believe. I was only hours away from my poetry show Young Hearts and Old Minds and I wanted badly for things to go well. I’ve only been reading out sporadically the last few years but I feel like I’ve grown a lot as a poet. In the beginning I was petrified to read in front of people, which is quite natural but somehow in the 15 or so performances I’ve made at slams, open mics and festivals, the reading in front of strangers thing doesn’t bother me anymore. I’ve overcome that fear, poetry 101 passed with a B+. Now I’m on to poetry 201 and the anxiety comes from internal rather than external forces. It comes from myself. Now, my big fear is how well I will read the pieces. Will I stumble on certain words or lines? Will my delivery be as good as I want? Will the emphasis and timing be correct when I need it to be? Basically, I worry that I’ll screw up the presentation. I feel confident as a writer but not as much as a reader/performer. Hopefully over time, I’ll get there but as critical of myself as I’ve always been I wonder how long it will take.

For those who wondered how the show went, I’d say it went okay, which probably means it went good if you take my hypercritical nature out of play. I didn’t have any major blunders but I did have a few hiccups out there. Reading for 40-45 minutes straight isn’t easy though and several times in the show I had to sip some water to keep from being too dry, or just to get a few seconds rest and pause. The crowd wasn’t as big as I wanted but part of that was the venue compared to last year’s venue. Last year anyone walking down Allen Street could see me read (and practically hear) and some did venture in and help pad the attendance numbers. This year I read at a really cool venue but it was in the back room of said venue greatly diminishing the amount of casual traffic passing by. Unless you were in the back of the bookstore, you wouldn’t have known anyone was reading back there.

The people who did show up are the best people in the world in my book and I love them for it. I hope they enjoyed themselves hearing my words and stories as much as I did delivering them. The most frequent question I heard this past week was; when was I reading again? Many of the poets in the festival booked themselves 3, 4, 5 or more different slots during the festival. For the 2^nd straight year, I only booked the one. I didn’t realize there was an abundance of slots. I thought, why be greedy and take up several slots from other poets. Now that I see there are tons of them and everyone else is doing it I’ll be sure to grab several more next year and spread it out. Lesson learned.

I did post on my facebook page the links to the audio recorded from the show (Thanks Scott!). Now I’ll post it here. The location is: http://soundcloud.com/eddie-gomez-poetry/sets  All 11 pieces I performed are there and they are set up as 11 individual tracks so you can go to my soundcloud page and click on them separately and listen to one poem, a few or all of them, it’s up to you. Maybe you’ll be in the mood for timeless youth (I Don’t Wanna Grow Up), optimism after heartbreak (The One Hit Wonder), the story of my brother’s passing (8 Days in Hell), tales of friendship and unrequited love (For Her) reaching rock bottom with being overweight (Willing and Unable) and so much more! Any feedback on my words/work is appreciated.

I can’t tell you how elated I am at having my work recorded in some fashion. Well maybe I just did. I’m thrilled! One, it’s there for many of you who wanted to hear me read but cannot due to distance or other factors. Secondly I can’t stress enough how valuable a learning tool it is for me. To be able to hear my interpretation of these pieces at that point and time is helping me to improve. It’s going to help me improve my delivery but also with the 6 brand new pieces I read for the first time last week, I’ve been tweaking them and fixing lines, writing new ones and sharpening them up so the next time you hear them they might be a teeny bit different but hopefully better! Being able to hear them both adds to my confidence and shows what to tweak. Plus adding that element made me feel like the reading was that much more special. It definitely made it a night to remember, at least for me. :)

Tonight unlike last Friday is a very different night. There’s no pressure, no stress and instead of racing down to Allen Street full of nervous energy, I’m gonna work late, head home at a comfy pace and then see where the night takes me if it takes me anywhere at all. In a way I’m relieved I not going through the crazy feelings of a week ago but at the same time I miss it. I think that means I need to read again soon. In this case how about the night after my birthday at the Pure Ink poetry slam at Merge? That’s Wednesday night for all of you who don’t know. That’s where I’ll be next and if you listen closely you’ll be able to hear the changes I’ve made to the newest pieces, 2 of which I’ll be reading there. See you then!

Fireworks (7-6-12)

I just saw the most amazing thing. A few hours ago I wasn’t even sure I’d leave the house but I’m so glad I did. If you read my last blog you know things haven’t been easy for me lately. Usually when I’d hear about some cool thing happening soon I’d tell everyone I know about it. I may have mentioned it to a few people this week but for the most part I didn’t try to organize the peeps to check it out. This is due to how I’ve been feeling. It basically was a tribute to the war of 1812 at Delaware Park with music, entertainment, the Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra and a fireworks show at the end. Best of all it was FREE!

Like I said, I mentioned it to a few people but as it turned out no one else could come. Now if you know me you know I hate to go to things alone. To me the best times are shared times, the best things are shared things. What good is a great time if it’s yours and yours alone? So after I had lunch this afternoon I started to think this evening wasn’t going to happen. I began to despair so much that I stayed later at work. Previously I had planned to leave for home by 6pm. The shindig at the park was starting at 5ish and going until the fireworks illuminated the sky after dark. When I left work it was 5 minutes to 8pm. You could say I had all but given up on the festivities. 

I walked into my apartment and my mind was more on food than fun. After I had a quick bite and settled in it was already 8:30… time to tap out and wave the white flag. The whole time I ate and checked social media I wanted to kick off my shoes and remove a few articles of clothing and achieve the next level of comfort, perhaps one that there is no return from but something wouldn’t let me go there.

My mind started to run through the hypothetical but likely. The fireworks wouldn’t start until total darkness which won’t happen until at least 9:30 at the earliest and the BPO would be wrapping up their performance during the fireworks show, so they’d probably start at 8 or even 8:30. I could hop on my bike and be there in 10-15 minutes. I could totally do that. I could still catch a big chunk of the show, even though I took my time to eat, even though I stayed at work an extra 2 hours. I could still do it.

Within a few minutes I was on the road with music blaring through my ear-buds and purpose in my pedaling. I’ve looked forward to this all week, I deserve this; I thought. Why should I not go just because I couldn’t convince anyone else to join me? This was an easy one… a short ride, outdoors, no charge. There was no reason NOT to go. Besides, on the 4th of July I was supposed to go to a cool party and see fireworks and I let my emotions get the better of me and I stayed home. But today is different. Today I wrote a happy poem. Today I left the house when I had all but given up o the evening. Today I might have turned the corner. Today I arrived at the park at about 10 minutes to 9 and even though I came into the park completely across from where the BPO was already playing, I could hear them clearly.

The people looked like ants from as far away as I was but the music was coming through nicely. I stopped next to the baseball diamonds and sat in one of the dugouts. The music sounded great. I wasn’t within eye shot of the show but I could recognize a classic tune that was affiliated with one of the military branches… okay, I could almost recognize it, but the music was loud and clear.

Did I want to continue further into the park and all the way to across from the zoo where the BPO was playing? I could see there were many people in chairs and even some lying on blankets far off in the distance. I wanted to enjoy the music but I didn’t really want to be around the people. So I stayed where I was for 10 minutes and thought it over to a beautiful soundtrack. After the 10 minutes of deliberating I decided I didn’t want to go any closer and in fact, I wanted to go a little further away. I thought about heading across the park to the lake side. I wanted to sit on the back stairs of the Albright Knox for the fireworks show. That sounded good. It would only take 5 minutes or so to ride there. I wouldn’t be able to hear the Orchestra any longer but I had somehow romanticized the back stairs at the gallery enough to myself that I didn’t mind the loss of the music.

I hopped on my bike and started back along the path but before I could even get 10 seconds into my trip I noticed something. I noticed the fireworks. They were set up on the golf course near the expressway side of the park. They were only 500 yards from where I was riding at that moment. Then I had an idea. Why not sit near the fireworks?!? I hopped off my bike and walked it onto the grass and made my way over to the kids’ soccer fields. Next to each of the two fields is a set of bleachers and I locked my bike up next to the one that was closest to the fireworks. I sat alone, a few rows up and now I was only about 100 yards away from them. As a bonus I could still hear the sweet symphony playing on the other side of the park.

There I sat and waited until it was nearly 10pm. It seemed pitch dark in the park and by now the joggers, bikers and walkers were at a minimum. I was so close to the fireworks set up, it seemed surreal… and NO one was anywhere nearby save the people passing a few hundred yards away on the exercise trails who were preoccupied with their fitness. I wondered if the fireworks were going to be extra loud being so close to them. I left my ear-buds in my ears to provide a small degree of protection against the booming sounds. It’s a good thing I did because when they began it sounded like cannons going off right next to me. The colors and sounds were amazing! The fireworks were going off so close to where I was I actually had to lay across the bleachers a bit to take it all in comfortably and not have to tilt my head up so drastically. They were right on top of me! It was the greatest fireworks show I’ve ever seen, no doubt due to my proximity to it. I had never been so close before and the whole 15 minutes that the sky above me was lit, no one was near me.

There I was practically lying underneath this majestic show and I was alone, and I enjoyed myself. Do I wish friends and/or loved ones could have been there to share that moment with me? Of course I do but for once that didn’t stop me from enjoying myself. Besides as I smiled and blurted out exclamations of joy under the color and lights while I sat there alone I felt special. Maybe I was too wrapped up in the moment but it was hard not to be. It felt like the show was happening just for me… they shouldn’t have. But regardless, I really appreciated it. 

the Hole in My Soul (7-5-12)

I’m going through a very difficult and sad time now. It’s a culmination of things, some big and some small, some known, some not but it has always been a fact that I am right on the verge of being extremely happy and/or very sad. I walk that tightrope daily. I’m an emotional person with a loud, active mind that is always thinking, always analyzing. I’m hard to reach but I love easily, hurt easily and worry constantly. I love hard. I hurt hard. I think hard. Being so passionate and so analytical at once can be a lot of fun and very useful and yet it can be absolutely brutal at other times. This is one of those times.

I feel so restless lately. My patience is thin and my mood shifts. I still want to be kind, relaxed and easy going but I get overwhelmed emotionally so much quicker than before. Have you ever been feeling completely good physically but exhausted mentally? Now you might think, well he’s been through a lot lately and this is merely a reflection of that. I won’t disagree but I feel like the adversity of late has only magnified what feels like something that has been a lifelong struggle for me.

When I was younger “a feeling” always gnawed away at me. I never could figure it out and for most of my teen years I tried to ignore it and just go with the flow. As I finished high school it became nearly impossible to ignore. I thought it was a deep rooted curiousness based on my emerging individuality. Basically, I thought it was kind of an identity crisis. I needed to know who I was. That must be it. I was tired of pretending to be something I was not. I was a little bit of an outcast anyway so I wasn’t a complete follower, but the times I was, it was at the expense of my curious mind and genuine heart, two things that could no longer be denied. Who was I really?

So I explored to my soul’s content and I found out all about the people, places and things I liked, didn’t like and absolutely loved. I tried new things and took notice of my reactions to them. Frankly, this is a journey that I’m still on and hopefully will be for as long as I live but let’s just say I’m not as wide-eyed now as I was 15-20 years ago. I know more now. I’ve grown a bit more decided and quicker to trust my intuition than the naïve overgrown kid with time on his side. Knowing myself and learning all the things I learned inside and out has strengthened me and made me who I am today but that gnawing feeling I felt all those years ago remains. The point is, I feel like I know myself pretty well by now but I feel like something’s missing. It’s the same feeling I’ve always had, kinda like a tickle in the back of my mind. I feel like I have a hole in my soul.

It’s more than a simple emptiness. It’s a lingering, enduring feeling that something isn’t right because something isn’t there. There’s underlying sadness even when I’m happiest but on the other side there is often underlying joy and hopefulness even when I am at my saddest, like I still believe I can find whatever it is that’s missing. The more time goes by the more I think about it. I try to problem solve and then when I can’t find the answer I need, I try to cope best I can. Perhaps it is inevitable to feel this way. In my late 20’s I discovered this thing called Myers-Briggs. It’s basically a personality test where you fall into one of 16 categories. My Myers-Briggs personality type indicator is INFJ. It stands for Introversion, iNtuition, Feeling, Judging. Introversion over extroversion, intuition over sensing, feeling over thinking and judging over perception. INFJs are only about 1%-2% of the population and males are rarer than females. So according to them I am the rarest one of all! We INFJs tend to be creative, smart, focused on fantasy more than reality, attracted to sad things, fearful of doing the wrong thing, observant, avoidant, fearful of drawing attention to self, anxious, cautious, somewhat easily frightened, easily offended, private, easily hurt, socially uncomfortable, emotionally moody, do not enjoy being looked at, fearful, perfectionists, we can sabotage ourselves, can be wounded at the core, value solitude, guarded, not like crowds, organized, second guessing ourselves, focused on peoples hidden motives, prone to crying, not competitive, prone to feelings of loneliness, not spontaneous, prone to sadness, longing for a stabilizing relationship, fearful of rejection in relationships, frequently worried, can feel victimized, prone to intimidation, have lower energy and are strict with ourselves. Basically we tend to be sad souls.

So maybe that’s why I feel like I have this hole in my soul. That sounds like the most logical explanation… I’m just destined to feel this way. But being so analytical I can’t help but wonder if maybe something IS missing. Is there something out there that will make me more complete, less sad and feeling less broken? That maybe someway, somehow, someday I could find some achievement, some goal I haven’t met yet that can provide me with the satisfaction my hungry soul needs.

If that is possible then the question becomes; what’s missing? Obviously, if I knew definitively what it was I’d like to think I’d work hard to get it but what could it be? There are several possibilities…

God? Could it be that the hole in my soul is my lack of faith? I haven’t totally believed since I was a kid so maybe the lifelong absence I feel is of a spiritual nature. I can’t say for sure and maybe I’ll never know until God confirms its’ existence to me. Even though part of me believes, my lifetime has shown me more evidence to not believe. Before any religious folk judge me let me just say I do have spirituality in my life. Just because I’m not godfull doesn’t mean I’m godless. I’ve taken lessons and teachings from various schools of thought and have incorporated it into my own code of conduct, my own philosophy. I think Buddha and Jesus are both great dudes. I try to lead a good life and those values and ideas have come from many places, some of them the same as yours. I just haven’t had that moment, an epiphany if you will, where my doubts are put to rest, maybe I never will. Perhaps this is why my soul is restless.

Maybe it’s from the lack of connections. All I ever want is to make REAL connections with people. I want to find a real depth of feeling with them. Honestly when I meet people I try to ascertain their depth level almost immediately. If I think they have what I seek or at least the potential I become intrigued in both knowing them and connecting with them, if not, then I tend to write them off. Until they prove to me otherwise, I'll maintain a very superficial relationship with them, that is I don't really consider them a friend, more like somebody "I know" instead. I have NO time in my life for shallow people. Now everyone’s idea of depth doesn’t mesh with mine and that’s why this isn’t easy. Plus people who have endeared themselves to us come and go and must be replaced. It's exhausting. I certainly haven’t connected with enough people to appease my appetite, maybe I never will. With all the trials and tribulations we face on a daily basis I am surprised by this. For as much as we are different we also so much the same. We walk the same roads and feel the same things. Why don’t I have more genuine connections? It’s as much my fault as it is yours… okay, maybe more mine. I’m not always open for business and many times my hours of operation don’t coincide with yours so possibly one of us is closed when we cross paths. I can only be open so many hours a week. Social interactions, even with people I know can be exhausting to me so I have to be choosy, but the fact remains, I really do want to connect with people. One day I might connect with just one person or with 30 more people and then my need to connect will subside.

Maybe I’m onto something. Perhaps I need to connect with just one person. Perhaps I just lack that “soulmate”, that companion, partner, the one. Could this be why my soul aches… a lack of soulmates? It seems like the easiest solution. It may not sound logical but maybe when I find someone to share everything I have inside with my hole will close. The hole in my soul could be filled by her love. It’s another intriguing thought. Maybe when I find my loving companion my restless soul will be at peace.

But what if I can’t find that closure until I find out why I’m even here? For someone who is always trying to find the meaning in things, perhaps it is a surprise that I cannot find that meaning of the biggest thing I know… my life. Does my life have any meaning to it? Have I found my calling? If I have not, when will I and if I have, have I pursued it with the ambition necessary to grow it to its’ full potential? Perhaps I feel like something is missing because something is; my calling, my career, my meaning. Do I linger incomplete because I have not completed THIS journey?

Or am I hurting deep inside as a consequence of a pain filled life? I’ve had more family members die than I’d like to count, I’ve lost 2 friends, one to murder, one to suicide and I’ve faced death a few times on my own. Have the losses, the struggle, the heartbreaks, hardships and misfortune simply been too much for my gentle soul to endure? Is it a lifetime burden I struggle with? In some ways I feel lucky to have experienced all I have and to still be here and be able to not only discuss them at length but to take the positives from each situation forward with me. There’s no doubt the pain has made me stronger but I can’t help but feel like I lose a small part of myself through every moment of major adversity. Does each blow make the hole grow bigger? If so, how do I reverse this? Is there a way? Is love the answer? Someone once said; All you need is love.

I find myself at a loss. Could any of these things fill the vacancy and make my soul feel complete? Will it take all of them? Some of them? None of them? Is this merely loneliness, emptiness, stubbornness brought on by a unique and terribly complex personality? I want to know the answers. I want to know the remedy, scratch that; I need to know the remedy. I wonder if I can ever fill the hole in my soul.

Are You Ready? (6-22-12)

Have you ever…

liked something you used to dislike, even hate? Maybe come to realize something wasn’t as bad as you thought it would be? It happens to me all the time and I’m proud of this. Discovering things, rediscovering things and discovering that I was wrong about other things are what fuel me. It makes me feel young and alive. The funny thing is, when I was young this wasn’t the case. I was playing it pretty close to the vest back then. That’s not to say I was narrow minded in those days, just proud, inexperienced and maybe even timid. Well, perhaps I was both narrow minded and timid in kind of a cause and effect type of way. I was inexperienced so I had little idea of all the wonderful things out there but at the same time my mind wasn’t as open and wasn’t as humble as it is now so all those “wonderful” things could have passed right by my nose and I wouldn’t have noticed. I just wasn’t aware. They say ignorance is bliss but I say ignorance is lazy… and wrong. A quote that I made up a long time ago was “I don’t miss the things I don’t know”. I still think this is true but I have to remind myself not to use this rationale to make excuses for not trying things when I think I originally thought it up to make myself feel better about missing out on something that already happened. When I discover something great that had been available to me for a long time but for some reason I didn’t try I always have a laugh and wonder, where I was all that time? But it’s not always that easy. Sometimes our resources are limited and we miss out on things due to lack of time, money and there are many other reasons… but sometimes it boils down to a simple reason; we just aren’t ready yet.

When I think about it now, I know when I was younger I wasn’t ready for a lot of things. Remember when we were teenagers and we thought we knew everything? It’s not a regrettable offense; it’s just human nature and a part of growing up. When you are a kid, like say 7 years old you know absolutely nothing. You can barely do basic things. Plus I think you know you know nothing and that’s why at that age we have serious heroes, interests and look up to people in a pure and innocent all or nothing kind of way. But by the time you get 17 or 18 you’ve learned so much and travelled so far from that little kid who knew nothing that you feel like you are ready to be an adult. Purity and innocence have been replaced or maybe infiltrated by many subtle layers. Things aren’t as easily defined as good or bad; now there’s kinda good, okay, both good and bad at the same time and even bad meaning good. There are “good” lies, necessary evil and exceptions to every rule. You think, I’ve learned so much and the journey already has been so great, how much more can there be? Honestly, you feel like you know everything necessary to grow and prosper. By that age you probably have had a job, tried alcohol, driven a car, maybe even had sex. You think; hey I got this thing figured out, I’ve tried the major stuff and I know what I like and what I want. The hard stuff is over. Then we face the sobering reality that the hard stuff is just beginning and there are still volumes to learn. That’s why it never ends for parents. When they are small the kids need constant attention. As they age they get curious and adventurous as they have to figure out their limits and bounds (sometimes several times) and then when you as a parent finally think they’ve grown up to the point where they no longer need constant supervision and you no longer need to worry about them breaking stuff (including themselves), they become the biggest pain of all. They think they have it all figured out and don’t need you that much anymore. So you go from being a primary part of your child’s daily life to a supporting role, sometimes even a fringe character wondering how they are and what they are thinking as they strut their way through the final steps to adulthood with their newly discovered thirst for independence fueling them. They think, I’m figuring it all out and more importantly I’m figuring it all out on my own.

But what happens to that growing child throughout their teens, twenties and beyond is that if their eyes are looking and their minds are open, there’s still a nearly infinite amount of things they can learn about not only the world but themselves. Some cups are bigger than others and when yours is full you are no longer thirsty. As I went through my twenties my thirst only grew and when I was ready I traded in my coffee mug sized cup for a Big Gulp! Perhaps as I get older I might trade down from my Big Gulp to a large glass but I don’t think I am ready yet. The point is there’s as much out there for you as you are ready for.

Sometimes a situation occurs where I feel a certain way about something and then I think back to try to remember where and when I originally felt that way and quite often I either can’t remember why I feel the way I do or I made up my mind so long ago I have to wonder if I honestly need to revaluate my feelings. While I can sometimes appreciate a lazy body, I don’t like a lazy mind. Just think of how much we go through in a week, a year? Things change all around us and whether we are aware of it or not, we do too. Those opinions we had back then need to grow and evolve with us. 

Recently I was talking about writing with a friend and I was saying how I almost never feel something I’ve written is finished whether we are talking about a story, a poem, even a blog. Why? Because I have never been smarter, wiser and more skilled than I am at this moment. Right now, I’m the most awesome I’ve ever been. Yesterday: I was close, 2 weeks ago: I was on the right track, 2 months ago: I had a pretty good idea, 2 years ago: what was I thinking? I must have been an idiot then. This is how I usually feel about my work. I think other people; especially other creative souls may feel the same. I might look back at this blog in a few years and think I need to tweak it or even that I had it all wrong and then want to re-write the whole thing. I guess it’s a perfectionist aspect of my personality and it’s why I’m usually never satisfied with my work, why I don’t always take compliments well and why I always want to hang on so tightly to the best moments. I’m better than I used to be but I still have a ways to go… like I said, perfectionist.  

Now with the mindset of never being more on top of things than I am at this moment how could I really know if I still feel the same about something I last had an opinion on 5 years ago? Ok, maybe some things are beyond re-thought; I’m going to go out on a limb and state that I will always be pro-choice, pro-art, pro-sports, anti-ignorance, anti-hate and anti-gun. I think I will always like chocolate, Pepsi, pizza, raspberry Zingers and pina coladas but who knows? You never can tell when you’ll be ready to change. There were times where I thought I felt a certain way and then poof, my mindset shifted. Sometimes it was quick, other times it took years and some things even snuck up on me. I guess this wouldn’t be as fun if I didn’t share some examples. Are you ready?   

Music: To this day there are still bands I can’t stand… Led Zeppelin comes to mind. I’ve just always disliked Robert Plant. Musically I think they are amazing but if you can’t get past the singer, oh well. I can’t stand Kid Rock, mostly because I have good taste (now now Mr. Music snob) and don’t get me started about the pop singers of today and recent times. I just feel like most of their work is pretty mindless and sounds more to me of what someone thinks pop music should sound like than like real pop music, if that makes sense. Remember when music used to tell stories and inspire us? Before you go and say pop music has always been shallow and without substance I submit to you Waterfalls by TLC, Adele’s last record (even though I’m not really a fan) and many others. Sure music should be fun but let’s not forget the other reasons why it’s important. The excess in songs and our single-driven (as opposed to album-driven) marketing seem to me as merely a reflection of the times… laziness, entitlement and short attention spans. Everybody wants everything right now and no one wants to work to get there or write something meaningful but I digress… this is a rant for another time but I do wonder, are there Kid Rock days in my future? Right now I certainly hope not, but we don’t know for certain.

Back to the topic at hand, I remember it took me a LONG time to get into Oasis. At first I thought they were these sniveling rip-off punks. Then one day, I heard one of their older songs and said; you know this isn’t half bad. I haven’t gone out and bought their whole catalog but I don’t run for the hills either when they come on now. Simon & Garfunkel are another one. I only got into them this year, about 45 years late but in my defense I wasn’t around 45 years ago. It’s not that I didn’t like them… I was just oblivious to them. I guess I wasn’t ready to “hear” them until this year. I didn’t like the Beatles until the late 90’s… maybe my dislike of Oasis drove me towards an appreciation for the real thing. When I think about it now it seems inconceivable to have not liked the Beatles but once upon a time I didn’t. My change of heart on the Beatles goes deeper than that. It is customary to have Paul as your favorite Beatle first, then you move on to John who is possibly the coolest guy ever but then a funny thing happens… George sneaks up on you. I’ve been listening to the George songs more and more and I’m starting to have a soft spot for him. I guess that puts me at stage 3 of Beatlemania. Stage 4 is when I start believing Ringo is the greatest, but let’s face it, no one thinks that. Stage 4 must be something else. I guess I’ll tell you when I get there. I swear I discover an old band almost as frequently as I discover a new one and that is a very beautiful thing.

Film: As a kid I used to think “old” films were 1970’s films. I wouldn’t watch anything in black and white except maybe Night of the Living Dead. For some reason I thought old black and white films were dull, boring, dated and didn’t offer me much. I actually lived most of my life thinking that I’d rather catch up on Val Kilmer’s back catalog then checking out Hitchcock classics. It wasn’t until a few years ago when I discovered the Screening Room and UB’s film seminar series that I finally saw some of them. Since then I’ve seen many classic films for the first time: Casablanca, The Maltese Falcon, Night of the Hunter, The Man Who Knew Too Much, Charade, African Queen, The Burmese Harp, The Portrait of Dorian Grey and others and not only did I greatly enjoy them, I now own some of them with more on the way. I really had no idea. I’m ashamed for having felt how I did. There’s something magical about the actors “acting”, you know without the use of CGI, effects and toys. Great actors in those days could emit so much emotion in a simple facial expression. It was a simple formula; a good story with good actors and good scenery. You didn’t need anything else. Vocal skills and body language were the best and most useful tools an actor possessed in those days. These days I guess you still see that kind of acting in the theater, not the big screen. I wish I had jumped aboard the classic film bandwagon sooner but you are ready when you are ready. Instead of thumbing my nose and shaking my head now I find these old films so powerful, compelling and timeless even if the films are dated. 

Food & Drink: During the past few years I’ve overcome what was a lifelong dislike of broccoli and now it’s one of my favorite veggies. I can’t stand applesauce despite the fact I love apples and apple-flavored things although this comes from when my parents used applesauce to hide nasty medication from me when I was little. I guess I’m not ready to shake my feelings about it yet. I used to love tomatoes as a kid but now I can barely stand them. Taste is a weird thing. You think it’s simple; I like this and I don’t like this, but then your feelings change. I find this absolutely fascinating. This leads me to my most recent discovery: veggie burgers. In the past I’ve tried some, usually the frozen supermarket kind and I’ve hated them. I’ve tried them pan-fried and cooked from a grill. It didn’t matter. They were so bland and I found them disgusting, especially when compared with a delicious 90% lean ground beef burger, seasoned and cooked just right. Perhaps that was the problem. Perhaps I bit into a veggie burger expecting a Big Mac and when I didn’t get it, I was disappointed. But now that my tongue has matured I can accept the veggie burger and the beef burger for the beautiful things that each of them are. Yes my tongue and taste have matured. I know that sounds ridiculous but I don’t know how else to say it. I mean it’s probably more about the psychological than the way those things actually taste. Or maybe I just recently had a really good veggie burger that opened my eyes. I’d like to think it’s a combination of all those things. A great veggie burger and a mind that was ready to receive it. It was time.

There are some things where I wonder if I’ll ever be ready? Take white socks… no seriously take them. I switched from white socks to black socks sometime around 1992. Perhaps it was Mike Tyson, the Michigan Fab Five or who knows but one day then it occurred to me that white socks, especially in the warmer months when wearing shorts with them were the dorkiest thing in the world. I couldn’t stand the look of my feet in them. So I bought black socks. They felt cool and I felt a little rebellious wearing them. So I kept wearing them. Now 20 years later I still wear black socks 95% of the time. This year I bought some gray ones, 3 pairs. I will wear them without hesitation when I am wearing pants but when I have shorts on… well, I don’t know if I’m ready yet. They still look and feel dorky to me. It’s an ongoing process. Maybe one day.

I’ve heard as people age they close their minds. Some close them a little and some slam them completely shut. I can feel it happening to me slightly as I better understand the value of time. Life is short and frankly I just don’t have the time to try as many things as I’d like to plus my older, crankier self doesn’t have the patience I did 10 years ago when I would suffer through a rainstorm to get a rainbow. My older, wiser, craftier self either tries to time it where I arrive right after the storm when the rainbow appears or I just wait for people to post photos of it on social media. Now don’t get me wrong, just because I’ve downshifted doesn’t mean I’m hitting the brakes. I never plan to. To me the best things in life are the little things, and they are out there, waiting to be discovered and/or rediscovered. Maybe I don’t find the quantity I used to but I still seek out the quality. I’ll never stop seeking. The day I stop looking to grow, evolve and discover is probably the day I’m gone and I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for that.

Organized Chaos (6-14-12)

I'm still not sure if this will be a very beautiful or dangerous time for me. Change is all around, some of it forced, some of it beckons... will I resist? Sadness is also all around, it's powerful. Inside I feel like organized chaos. I want to be with people but I want to be alone. I just don't know. The creative juices are overflowing. I had to stop for a few minutes on the way to work today because I had so much on my mind that I had to write it all down. Inevitably I will be fine but the road to get there is sprinkled with crazy. My heart is standing on my brain. The days and weeks ahead should be interesting to say the least.

On the one hand I got to hide my love away but on the other I need to embrace it. Should I go with the flow, fight the current or just try to get a foothold in the journey and drop anchor. I'm perpetually uncomfortable and everything feels temporary.

My emotions are stronger than ever. I can go from happy to sad, relaxed to mad so quickly of late. I want hugs, I want sex, I want to be left alone. Passion out of control... I'm letting it out in bursts. All at once would be too much.

Words (6-6-12)

For those of you who don’t know, my brother passed last night. People are expressing their condolences and warmth towards me and I appreciate them. I don’t have the words. My whole body is numb right now. I had strange dreams last night… when I was able to sleep. I don’t know what to say. The pain is deafening. It’s drowning out the music. So right now I can’t hear too well but don’t worry, pain comes and goes but the music plays forever.

The world feels surreal today. I walked into work this morning and the walk in almost felt like sleepwalking. I’d prefer not to come in at all but I’ve used a lot of personal time this past week and I’m really low on cash so I need to get in as many hours and earn as many $$$ as I can. It’s difficult to focus. I sit here at my desk and I’m hardly working. That stupid old saying popped into my brain; are you hard at work or hardly working? The latter.

I’m so tired. I think I’m more exhausted emotionally than physically but there’s a lot of fatigue there. It’s hard to differentiate. A week of long days, restless nights and the emotional ups and downs has taken a toll. The glimmers of hope and the moments of despair lifted me up and tore me apart. I tried to stay even and not get too hopeful or too depressed but how dare I even try. When someone who means as much to you as my brother Bryan meant to me goes through what he went through, all bets are off.

I’ve had mixed feelings that only grew as things progressed. It was so hard to see him that way, so hard to walk into the room and see him in that much discomfort, that much pain, struggling to breathe especially during the last few days. It was so tough to see him that way but I had to see him because our moments left on this earth were fleeting. I’m usually someone who has a lot to say in intimate settings but in that room I was always at a loss for words. If my eyes could have spoken they would have recited novels.

I’m happy he’s no longer fighting. There’s a joy in that. But I respect the hell out of him for fighting that uphill fight so hard and for so long. He was always brave and strong in life and never more than during this past week. Those first few days when he was in the hospital and better able to communicate and share how he felt with us he was mostly smiles and love. He knew what he was up against. He knew what the odds were. No one would have said a bad word if he reacted the other way. It was his right to be upset. It was his right to be afraid and unhappy but he would rather share hugs, stories and jokes instead. The memories poured out and the smiles were inevitable. That’s how he wanted it. That was him, a tender, generous man who everyone adored. He loved deeply and he shared that love and everyone around him couldn’t help but be affected and enhanced by it during his life.

Anyone who knows me well knows I don’t have much of a relationship with God. While I believe more strongly in balance, karma, fate and spirituality, I haven’t been able to embrace God. Last Friday night I prayed for the first time in many, many years. It was kind of an awkward prayer, like a ship lost at sea sending a distress message, hoping someone, anyone out there could hear and answer it. My faith is shaky at best but I do believe anything is possible. I’m always asking questions and always seeking answers and I’m afraid I haven’t gotten too many concrete answers when it comes to the Lord, especially from him/her/it. I do believe in miracles though and while I knew we were up against the odds in this case, I still hoped that God would make me a believer this week. It was the perfect opportunity to get past my stubborn scientific belief system and fill me with faith. Sadly, my cup remains half full. God didn’t deliver. I understand I was asking for an awful lot but I hadn’t asked for anything for 20 years so I thought that evened out my enormous request. 

People say this is God’s will, trust in God or that God has a plan. Maybe it’s not my place to understand but it sounds like a pretty crappy plan to me. So I am angry. Maybe I’m angry at God or whoever makes these decisions, maybe I’m angry at the circumstances, at the outcome. It isn’t fair. I know life is unfair but this is ridiculously, grossly unfair. Besides leaving behind hundreds or maybe thousands of sad friends and family, he leaves behind a devoted wife and wonderful 8-year old son, Brett. My heart breaks for them most of all. I learned more about my nephew this week than I had known the 8 years he’s been around and I’ve learned what a great kid he is. His dad touched my life so deeply, opening my mind up to countless new experiences and taking me on so many exciting adventures I want to take this moment to challenge my family. No one can fill Bryan’s shoes, it’s silly to even think one person could but maybe all of us, the cousins, the nephews, the nieces, the brothers, sisters, etc. can collectively give to Brett and his mother what Bryan gave to us. I for one feel like we owe it to Bryan to try. I feel so indebted to Bryan for what he gave to me and I’m certain he required nothing in return but our love and thanks but maybe we can spend the rest of our lives giving back what he gave all of us to Leisamarie and Brett, but especially that little boy. It may not happen right away but let us never forget.

When I saw how wonderful that little guy is I so badly wanted to change places with Bryan. Let me be the one who suffers and let me be the one who departs so he can keep being that bright light in the family, especially his own. I’m not married and I don’t have any of my own children, so let me take his place. I know it’s a weird thing to think but I thought it several times. Since I am still here maybe it’s on me that when that day comes where I meet my love and we start a family to be to them what Bryan was to all of us. My nephew wrote the other day about typing on slippery keys and similarly, my eyes are so misty right now it’s hard for me to even see the screen.

Talking about this helps, whether that’s spending time with my family or letting it out through my fingertips. I tried to be as strong as I could be during this journey. The times where I felt weakest were when I was in his room, looking at him struggle and when I’d get home at night after a long day spent juggling work and being at there at the hospital. At least in his room I had tons of people to lean on if needed. When I went home at night I wanted nothing more than to collapse into someone’s arms and feel the warmth of a loving embrace while the cold tears flowed. Of course no one was there. I cried into a pillow many a night and no one was there to tell me things would be fine. So I woke up every morning with a heavy heart thinking things would not be fine and only when I arrived at the hospital and back into the warm circle of family was my mind eased. Hopefully I’ll find the balance I need in the days and weeks ahead when we celebrate Bryan’s life. Hopefully the anger will go away and I will find the words I need to carry on, strong and wise, free from the anger and bitterness I feel now. I know the words exist. I also know the pain will never leave but pain with baggage is the worst pain of all... loss is enough. It doesn’t need to have anger, bitterness, resentment and more on board. The weight of loss is more than enough. So life goes on, always moving, always chugging down the road but right now you’ll have to excuse me while I pause in this journey to look at this moment, to mourn, to heal, to learn and decompress before I proceed. I will walk again when I'm ready.   

Maybe you understand why now I have mixed feelings. I am glad this person I love is no longer suffering but I am also angry that he had to. You’ve probably heard the old question/saying “why do bad things happen to good people?” The person who originally said it had to be talking about someone like my brother Bryan. He was beyond good, he was great. He was a firefighter who served faithfully for something like 27 years. He served his family and friends even greater than that. He was more than a public servant, a father, a husband, a brother, an uncle, a cousin, a friend. He was more than words.