Words (6-6-12)

For those of you who don’t know, my brother passed last night. People are expressing their condolences and warmth towards me and I appreciate them. I don’t have the words. My whole body is numb right now. I had strange dreams last night… when I was able to sleep. I don’t know what to say. The pain is deafening. It’s drowning out the music. So right now I can’t hear too well but don’t worry, pain comes and goes but the music plays forever.

The world feels surreal today. I walked into work this morning and the walk in almost felt like sleepwalking. I’d prefer not to come in at all but I’ve used a lot of personal time this past week and I’m really low on cash so I need to get in as many hours and earn as many $$$ as I can. It’s difficult to focus. I sit here at my desk and I’m hardly working. That stupid old saying popped into my brain; are you hard at work or hardly working? The latter.

I’m so tired. I think I’m more exhausted emotionally than physically but there’s a lot of fatigue there. It’s hard to differentiate. A week of long days, restless nights and the emotional ups and downs has taken a toll. The glimmers of hope and the moments of despair lifted me up and tore me apart. I tried to stay even and not get too hopeful or too depressed but how dare I even try. When someone who means as much to you as my brother Bryan meant to me goes through what he went through, all bets are off.

I’ve had mixed feelings that only grew as things progressed. It was so hard to see him that way, so hard to walk into the room and see him in that much discomfort, that much pain, struggling to breathe especially during the last few days. It was so tough to see him that way but I had to see him because our moments left on this earth were fleeting. I’m usually someone who has a lot to say in intimate settings but in that room I was always at a loss for words. If my eyes could have spoken they would have recited novels.

I’m happy he’s no longer fighting. There’s a joy in that. But I respect the hell out of him for fighting that uphill fight so hard and for so long. He was always brave and strong in life and never more than during this past week. Those first few days when he was in the hospital and better able to communicate and share how he felt with us he was mostly smiles and love. He knew what he was up against. He knew what the odds were. No one would have said a bad word if he reacted the other way. It was his right to be upset. It was his right to be afraid and unhappy but he would rather share hugs, stories and jokes instead. The memories poured out and the smiles were inevitable. That’s how he wanted it. That was him, a tender, generous man who everyone adored. He loved deeply and he shared that love and everyone around him couldn’t help but be affected and enhanced by it during his life.

Anyone who knows me well knows I don’t have much of a relationship with God. While I believe more strongly in balance, karma, fate and spirituality, I haven’t been able to embrace God. Last Friday night I prayed for the first time in many, many years. It was kind of an awkward prayer, like a ship lost at sea sending a distress message, hoping someone, anyone out there could hear and answer it. My faith is shaky at best but I do believe anything is possible. I’m always asking questions and always seeking answers and I’m afraid I haven’t gotten too many concrete answers when it comes to the Lord, especially from him/her/it. I do believe in miracles though and while I knew we were up against the odds in this case, I still hoped that God would make me a believer this week. It was the perfect opportunity to get past my stubborn scientific belief system and fill me with faith. Sadly, my cup remains half full. God didn’t deliver. I understand I was asking for an awful lot but I hadn’t asked for anything for 20 years so I thought that evened out my enormous request. 

People say this is God’s will, trust in God or that God has a plan. Maybe it’s not my place to understand but it sounds like a pretty crappy plan to me. So I am angry. Maybe I’m angry at God or whoever makes these decisions, maybe I’m angry at the circumstances, at the outcome. It isn’t fair. I know life is unfair but this is ridiculously, grossly unfair. Besides leaving behind hundreds or maybe thousands of sad friends and family, he leaves behind a devoted wife and wonderful 8-year old son, Brett. My heart breaks for them most of all. I learned more about my nephew this week than I had known the 8 years he’s been around and I’ve learned what a great kid he is. His dad touched my life so deeply, opening my mind up to countless new experiences and taking me on so many exciting adventures I want to take this moment to challenge my family. No one can fill Bryan’s shoes, it’s silly to even think one person could but maybe all of us, the cousins, the nephews, the nieces, the brothers, sisters, etc. can collectively give to Brett and his mother what Bryan gave to us. I for one feel like we owe it to Bryan to try. I feel so indebted to Bryan for what he gave to me and I’m certain he required nothing in return but our love and thanks but maybe we can spend the rest of our lives giving back what he gave all of us to Leisamarie and Brett, but especially that little boy. It may not happen right away but let us never forget.

When I saw how wonderful that little guy is I so badly wanted to change places with Bryan. Let me be the one who suffers and let me be the one who departs so he can keep being that bright light in the family, especially his own. I’m not married and I don’t have any of my own children, so let me take his place. I know it’s a weird thing to think but I thought it several times. Since I am still here maybe it’s on me that when that day comes where I meet my love and we start a family to be to them what Bryan was to all of us. My nephew wrote the other day about typing on slippery keys and similarly, my eyes are so misty right now it’s hard for me to even see the screen.

Talking about this helps, whether that’s spending time with my family or letting it out through my fingertips. I tried to be as strong as I could be during this journey. The times where I felt weakest were when I was in his room, looking at him struggle and when I’d get home at night after a long day spent juggling work and being at there at the hospital. At least in his room I had tons of people to lean on if needed. When I went home at night I wanted nothing more than to collapse into someone’s arms and feel the warmth of a loving embrace while the cold tears flowed. Of course no one was there. I cried into a pillow many a night and no one was there to tell me things would be fine. So I woke up every morning with a heavy heart thinking things would not be fine and only when I arrived at the hospital and back into the warm circle of family was my mind eased. Hopefully I’ll find the balance I need in the days and weeks ahead when we celebrate Bryan’s life. Hopefully the anger will go away and I will find the words I need to carry on, strong and wise, free from the anger and bitterness I feel now. I know the words exist. I also know the pain will never leave but pain with baggage is the worst pain of all... loss is enough. It doesn’t need to have anger, bitterness, resentment and more on board. The weight of loss is more than enough. So life goes on, always moving, always chugging down the road but right now you’ll have to excuse me while I pause in this journey to look at this moment, to mourn, to heal, to learn and decompress before I proceed. I will walk again when I'm ready.   

Maybe you understand why now I have mixed feelings. I am glad this person I love is no longer suffering but I am also angry that he had to. You’ve probably heard the old question/saying “why do bad things happen to good people?” The person who originally said it had to be talking about someone like my brother Bryan. He was beyond good, he was great. He was a firefighter who served faithfully for something like 27 years. He served his family and friends even greater than that. He was more than a public servant, a father, a husband, a brother, an uncle, a cousin, a friend. He was more than words.