I’ve always been an emotional person. When I get happy, I
get really happy. When I get sad, I get really sad. It’s who I am. I am the
farthest thing from a robot. I’m too hot to handle and too cold to hold, you
know like Bobby Brown except without the drug problem. Nearly everything can
make me laugh… or cry. It depends on where my mind is. When I think about when
I am happy versus when I am sad it really is very simple. It boils down to one
thing: When I’m happy I’m usually living in the moment, when sad I’m usually living in
the past.
When I am living in the now, I am carefree, light hearted
and light on my feet. It’s easy for me to move and to go in any direction I
want. My confidence is good and I feel like I can accomplish nearly anything. When I am
living in the past I am burdened by the pain of things that happened, that didn’t
happen and all the regrets. My heart is heavy, my mind is heavy and it is not
easy for me to move or go in any direction at all. My confidence falters and I
feel useless. I get stuck. It can happen to anyone, weigh them down with enough
baggage and they aren’t going to be moving very fast, or at all. They’ll get
stuck too. That’s what baggage does, it slows you down, it limits you and after
a while, it makes you want to stop trying to move in any direction. You get
tired of carrying it. You know it’s a hindrance but you also think you NEED to
carry it all. It's yours. My mind has grown very heavy and very weary of carrying all this
baggage around. My mind needs to get leaner. My mind has to go on a diet.
I need to think of my mind as a zombie survival kit. If
there was a zombie apocalypse I would grab a backpack and fill it with things I
need. If I took everything I found, the pack would get very heavy, fill up and
I’d move a lot slower. It might even jeopardize my chances for survival. The
point is, I’d have to prioritize. If I only have so much space and I can only
bring certain things, wouldn’t I want to bring the things I truly need with me.
Why would I want to bring along regret when I could bring hope instead? Why
would I want to lug around the heavy burden of failure when I could pack
something lighter, like courage? The old me would carry every mistake, every
failure, every burden and all the pain. He’d choose to carry it and then whine
about carrying it. He’d focus on all the people who are no longer in his life
and all the love lost than all the wonderful people and the love he has right
now. The new me is going to choose not to carry anything more than I need going
forward. I need to live the life I write about in my poems… and not look back.
Whenever I start down a new path the past always calls to
me. I stop and look over my shoulder and acknowledge it. The past never stops
talking and if I never stop listening what ends up happening is I don’t go
anywhere. I need to move so far down the path that the voices of the past can
no longer be heard. This requires not listening when the past calls to me. This requires moving on. There’s a difference between honoring the past and
humoring it. I’m not laughing anymore.
It’s a journey I’ve tried to make many times… a journey to
be free of the doubt, the negativity and my worst insecurities. Why do I think I
can succeed this time? I’m trying new ideas, new methods that I’ve never tried
before. I’m not talking about fad diets and quick fixes. I’m talking about
changing the way I think, the way I live. My life depends on it. I think I'm more willing than I've ever been to take that next step. Plus as added incentive, this time I
have an angel behind me ready to give me a kick in the can whenever I need one.
If I have a setback, a relapse or allow any of that old negativity to try to
influence the new me she’s there to kick my butt until I’ve progressed to the point where I can do my own butt kicking or not require any at all. With my evolution, combined with the support of those close to me I
will shed all those unwanted pounds whether we are talking about my waistline or my mind. The rest will take care of itself. My mind and body will both be
lean, toned and ready to battle anything that gets in its’ way, even if it has
to battle me. This time I will win. Edwin.
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