Heart on a diet (2-10-14)

All this talk of sweethearts, couples and valentines... it’s that time of year again. This is the last obstacle for me to get past what is always a depressing period. It’s a period of time that is wrought with sadness and cravings. For someone who has traditionally been a comfort eater, it’s also a dangerous time. It starts at Thanksgiving. I begin to miss the family I grew up with… while it wasn’t always an ideal situation; it was always a comfort to know that at the very least I had love in the room with me. After Thanksgiving the longing starts and the holes begin to open. They are hollow inside. It gets worse by Christmas. I see all the movies, the commercials, the activity around me. It feels like the world is moving twice as fast as I. Maybe it’s because when you have someone you move with the purpose of two. On New Years it reaches its’ peak where the loneliness is ready to swallow me whole. There is no midnight kiss, only old acquaintances that I cannot forget or new ones I’ve never met. Afterwards, I’m left with a hangover of pain that stays with me for a few weeks. Things seem to be getting back to normal. The tides appear to be headed back out to sea but then that one last giant wave of suffering crashes into me. It’s called Valentine’s Day.

I haven’t held someone in my arms on Valentine’s Day in 11 years. Perhaps it's bad luck, bad timing but sometimes I feel like it’s hopeless. I’ve had so many missed opportunities, so many rejections and part of me wants to reconcile and accept whatever time I have left as time that will be spent alone. It would be easier than hurting or getting hurt 10 times out of 10. It seems I always want what’s beyond my reach but I don’t care how lonely I get, how horny, how needy, I cannot settle. I can’t settle for a casual fling or a placeholder. I can’t settle for a stepping stone or a fix. I need so much more than that. I need what’s in the stories, the movies, even the commercials. Hell, I probably need more than that too. Today I saw an ad for a teddy bear company that sells 4-foot teddy bears. They say they will guarantee delivery by Valentine’s Day. I look in the mirror and I see a 6 foot 3 teddy bear, an “Eddie bear” that will also guarantee delivery by Valentine’s Day… call now. An operator is standing by.

This is going to be a tough week.