I’m probably overreacting to a run of recent bad luck with the ladies but lately through the help of several women I have discovered something. I am apparently a mutant. I’ve discovered lately that I am undesirable in pretty much every way possible. I get it ladies. I’m too fat, too poor, too this, too that… I get it. Can’t you see I’m tapping out? You see, lately I’ve been trying to talk to several women, to get to know them, so they could get to know me and I am not exaggerating when I say NONE of them want anything to do with me. Historically my confidence can go up or down and those times when it’s low I keep a low profile. I wouldn’t have the issue I’m having now. When I’m down, I don’t leave the house much and spend most of my time inside my head lamenting who I turned out to be. When it’s higher or at a normal level, like it has been lately, I am proud of who I am and I think of all the wonderful possibilities a relationship might provide and the many things I could give to her. When my confidence is solid I will approach women I like and attempt to talk to them. But I always struggle with forced conversation. On the one hand I tell myself, you might only have this one chance to speak to this person, go do it! Then on the other hand when I do head over and try to begin a conversation the words never come out right. I feel like a phony, like I’m on some sleazy audition and I have 30 seconds to impress this person before she yells out “next!”
Last night was the latest stumble. A female who came in a
few weeks back at the end of the open mic came back, once again at the end of
the open mic. I saw her walk in the building and my eyes were set ablaze. She
wasn’t what you’d call a stunner but she looked really cute to me. For me it
was her eyes and her energy. Her eyes had power behind them. She had a fun,
dynamic aura like she was never afraid to speak her mind but at the same time
didn’t take herself too seriously. Plus she was wearing a vintage style leather
jacket. I love a woman who can wear a vintage leather jacket or a jean jacket
for that matter… those are my favorites. When she came in the last time I made
my way towards the door before she left with every intention of talking to her
but I got involved in a conversation with a friend who was there and then she suddenly
walked by and as she did our eyes locked and she smiled. I froze. I let myself
get distracted and I wasn’t ready. I basically had a split second window and
flopped.
So she came in again last night. Again I positioned myself
near the door before the end of the show. When it ended she turned to walk
towards the door to leave and passed by me again but before she could pass by I
blurted out something to the effect of “Hey, weren’t you here a few weeks back”.
She confirmed she was and I mentioned how it seemed she’s come in at the end of
the open mic both times. She revealed that she has a commitment at the same
time as the open mic but tried to stop by on her way home. I replied that I
thought that was too bad and mentioned how sometimes the open mic goes later
but it depended on the number of artists that night. I looked down at her
backpack and I saw a yoga mat attached to it. Perhaps she was coming from a
yoga class. Say something! My mind was struggling to come up with another
sentence and before I could get out another word she left. Great conversation
Ed! She didn’t seem terribly impressed or interested in me but I didn’t have
anything too great to say. Something inside of me just panicked when I saw her
again. I thought, ooh second chance, don’t waste it and something propelled me
over to talk to her without really thinking it through… it showed.
I had given up online dating for the better part of a month
but some of my friends have been having luck lately so I decided to give it one
more try. This time I was going to go all in. I signed up on match instead of
free websites and I bought a nice 3-month membership. This is where the serious
people go… the people who are willing to put their money where their mouth is. I
checked out many profiles. I entered in a nice age range of about 12 years,
looked for women without children and made sure to block out those who smoke.
Anyway, after going through many profiles I found 3 out of
the 304 in my search results that I liked, that intrigued enough to write. Of
course some of the best looking profiles on there were of friends of mine! I
swear there were no less than 6 of my female friends on there and damn if they
were not some of the best sounding and best looking profiles in this area! That
said, I wrote to all 3 of the women I was interested in a few days ago… so far none
have written back. So last night after my failure at the open mic I went back
on and tried hard to find a few more that interest me. This is so tough! I’m
picky even though I know, on paper I have no reason to be. I don’t necessarily
put all my eggs in one basket but let’s just say I don’t have many baskets.
It was like the poem I wrote and performed yesterday was a
premonition to how I would feel. Well, obviously it is how I feel and the last
24 hours really topped it off. The poem starts; “Use caution- you don’t want to
get involved with a guy like me”. Seems about right these days. I feel like a
mutant.
All I’ve ever wanted is someone who will like me for who I
am. In my dreams I’m like Eddie Murphy’s character Prince Akeem from Coming to America (one of
my favorite movies by the way). Akeem pretends to be a poor African student and
tries to find someone who will love him for who he is rather than because he is
the super-rich Prince of Zamunda. If I can find someone who will want to be
with me warts and all, then I’ll know she’s not only a keeper but is there for
the long haul. The only difference in the plan is once the woman falls in love
with Akeem, he would reveal that he is a Prince whereas I will reveal that I
really like Prince. But hey, at least I don’t work at McDowell’s! If you’ve
never seen the movie, first of all shame on you, secondly you won’t understand
that last paragraph.
Maybe it’s a cynical part of me but like Prince Akeem I
worry that if I ever get to where I want to be on my own, you know slimmer,
happier, a little better off financially and someone does fall for me then, will
it be real? I mean would that person still want to be with me if I gained
weight, had money troubles and basically went to where I am now? I want to
connect heart and soul, not looks and pocketbook. I feel like giving up on it.
Is there no one out there for me? Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find her in
this town. Maybe I’ll move to Queens.
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