Last night I was supposed to go to a pretty cool event. It was called El Museo de Infringe. It was a fundraiser for both the El Museo gallery on Allen St. and the 2012 Buffalo Infringement Festival, of which I will be performing at again this year (but more on that later). On facebook I learned it was going from 6:30 to 11. I thought with such a wide range of time there’d be no way I would/could miss it. I was looking forward to it for many reasons. The first is to help the Infringement Festival out. I absolutely love that they exist and for several years now I’ve been going to many events related to the festival and supporting that way but throwing them some cash, just because is nice too. There was also supposed to be entertainment in the form of music, poetry and dancing and all I can to that is yup, yup and yup… 3 things I enjoy. Lastly and most important to me I guess was the fact that this show was the first opportunity for the general public to buy the new 2012 Buffalo Infringement Festival t-shirts. I still wear my 2011 one proudly and I think I bought that one only a few weeks before the festival started last year so I had hardly a chance to wear it out and promote the festival beforehand but this time, I could get a shirt 2 months before the start of the festival and if I wore it out to high profile events and activities I could probably get 7-8 wears in before the 2012 festival starts. Let’s not forget to mention it’s also a great conversation starter! People will ask about the festival or mention that they want to check it out or that they saw something there last year or in the past and it provides a perfect segue for me to talk about it and also my showcase “Young Hearts and Old Minds” poetry by Eddie Gomez, appearing for the 2nd year in a row, time and place TBA.
Fast forward (or maybe rewind) to 8pm. I was just leaving work after working a longer day than I expected to and I began to ponder not going. I worked a ten hour day and was tired but I still had to stop for some minor groceries and supplies on the way home. When I finally walked in the door I knew I had to eat something. I had to eat so my energy levels would be at a level where I could make the decision whether to go or not. When you are tired that’s one thing, but tired and hungry and low on energy, I don’t see how a person can be objective when making a decision in that state. Most people wouldn’t even want to think about going out, socializing and spending a few hours doing something else when the body’s most basic needs haven’t been met (shoutout to Maslow).
So after eating and getting cleaned up I still wasn’t sure if I wanted to go. If this had been 6 months ago, a year ago, 3 years ago this wouldn’t have even been much of a decision. The old me would have checked the television listings, settled in and wouldn’t have cared. The old me would have tapped out, thrown in the towel and called it a night. It was already about 9:30, I was really tired from an extra long day and by the time I got down there the event would be wrapping up anyway… but not so fast... these are different times.
After hitting bottom around the holidays I’ve lost 32 pounds so far since New Years. While I still have a long journey to reach my ultimate goal, the momentum cannot be denied. My poetry reading and writing is growing stronger; my confidence is improving week to week. I am no longer afraid every time I want to go out into public and to shows, even if I have no one to go with, which was the case here. During this time of transition I’m really learning a lot about myself.
I used to think I didn’t like to be around people. For all these years I thought I was shy or anti-social. It is true that I am not comfortable around strangers, but who is? I don’t put on masks and pretend I’m someone I’m not. What you see is what you get with me so it’s not that I don’t like to be around people, it’s that I don’t like to be around less desirable or for lack of a better term, bad people. Who’s bad to me? Well other than Michael Jackson and Run DMC who are bad meaning good, I don’t like ignorance, arrogance, shallow, phony, selfish or mean peeps. We all have what we are willing and able to tolerate in people. Some people just don’t care that much but I feel really strongly about my tolerance. I feel like life is too short to spend parts of it voluntarily associating with bad people. I’m an easy going guy but there’s no easy going ignorance. There’s no laid back nasty. Nasty is nasty, selfish is selfish, ugly is ugly. I think that’s why I am uncomfortable around strangers because I don’t know where they fall yet. Are they good peeps? Are they genuine, nice? Until I know I can’t let my guards down. I realize I’ve drifted away from the original point but I want to make it clear that I am changing, in how I look, how I feel and how I think. It’s a new Eddie.
The new me walked out the door at 9:37pm and marched all the way down to Allen. It took me about 35 minutes and when I got there, there wasn’t much show left. My brow was dripping steadily from the march down and I didn’t feel comfortable subjecting the crowd to “Sweaty Eddie” for the last little part of the show so I wiped myself down (always a good short term fix) and walked up to the t-shirt table and did what in my heart I wanted to do, buy that shirt! On the walk back I took Elmwood and as all the bar people and social butterflies fluttered past I was nearly oblivious. I couldn’t stop smiling because in my hand I had more than a t-shirt. It was a symbol. I did something I used to be completely incapable of doing. The walk home was sweet. The sweat continued to glisten on my face and my legs kept pumping. It seemed like I was walking at my fastest those last few blocks before home. The whole trek took nearly an hour and a half but instead of being tired from the lengthy march I sat content. I would have liked to have gotten there earlier and had a chance to enjoy the show but considering the circumstances, looking down at that shirt... the new me was pleased.
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