As the days led up to my annual return at WBNY’s Alumni Weekend I felt the butterflies multiplying. Even at my peak when I did 3-4 shows a week I would always be nervous before each show. I was nervous because I am a person who worries. I’m always thinking and always trying to lay out the 5 minutes in front of me. I want to do well and more importantly I don’t want to mess up. Never mind the fact that college radio is generally pretty silly and mistakes happen all the time. College radio at it’s essence is a “great” mistake.
I’m sure it still applies but back in the day some shows were known more for what went wrong than for what went right. I always wanted it to be right. I was a bit of a perfectionist. I wanted good albeit non-commercial, rebellious mic breaks that flowed without stumbling on any words. I wanted tight transitions from song to song, song to commercials and vice versa. On occasion I accomplished this. Once in a while I did a show where nothing went wrong and I’d feel a great deal of satisfaction. Other times the mistakes would be quite minor and I could convince myself the pros outweighed the cons but there were other times where something would not work out, or I didn’t do something very well and it would bother me for a bit until I realized how I could learn from it. It’s this internal competitiveness I have. I want to be the best I can at the things I’m throwing myself into. It doesn’t run externally. I never compared myself to the other shows. I just tried to live up to my own standards.
This week I felt some of the same concerns and expectations pull me. I’m the guy who’d used to have so much of my shows planned out. Not so much on the music end but on the production end, talking, commercials, writing, etc. Coming into this week I wanted the show to be big. I wanted to create some new commercials for this year. I wanted to dress up the show with production work and writing. I wanted to put together many note cards with topics, ideas and things I wanted to cover in my mic breaks. But something inside me, maybe wisdom, intervened and instead of trying to be something extraordinary and putting the weight of a moment on my shoulders I would just be. I was just going to show up with hopefully a few friends in tow, relax and simply enjoy something I love to do. I would wing it the whole show. I knew how to do it. I knew how to identify the station regularly on breaks, plug the alumni weekend, talk about the other shows and give the audience the information it needed. Despite my amateur status I’ve always had the instincts of a pro.
Saturday came and went and I did indeed go with the “wing it” approach and you know what? It was fine. I wasn’t perfect on the mic. There were about 60 songs I wished I could have played and there are things I wished I had done before the show to help enhance it but I’m okay with it. Just “be”. I had a bunch of friends come out to meet me a few hours before the show and many of them accompanied me to the air studio for a large chunk of my overnight madness. We drank beer and wine and laughed and danced. I had so much fun and having friends out there with me helped me to get out of my head and let go.
Sunday came with a slight hangover and some great feelings. I say that my 2011 Alumni Weekend radio show and adventure was a success and I also say it was as much thanks to you as it was to me. Thank you my friends near and far for all the love. I find myself doing all these crazy things and going on all these silly adventures making films, reading poetry, doing radio shows, creating and handing out mixtapes and who knows what else and time after time when I put myself out there my friends are there to support me. It gives me joy and strength and the passion inside of me to create, to imagine, to climb and to go for it burns brighter all the time knowing I have a solid foundation of people behind me. Thank you!
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