Saturday night 9:30pm
Not long before this moment I felt great. I went and saw my first opera and had a light dinner with a friend. Everything was going well. I ate well for the day. I took in some fantastic culture and did something brand new and extraordinary. I was feeling pretty good about the evening ahead. I was going over to a friend’s place to help celebrate another friend’s birthday.
After returning home I had about an hour to get ready until the next bus that would take me to the little get-together. Unfortunately I’d get there at least a half hour late but the bus schedule on the weekend is what it is. In that hour beforehand all I really had to do was get cleaned up and change clothes. I took my time as I often do because if I rushed I might get too warm, sweaty and anxious and that could jeopardize my desire to go. I can be very iffy about going to social gatherings because being around large groups (to me that means more than 5 people) makes me uncomfortable and if I arrive late which I was already doing, I get jittery and it gets harder for me to relax and adjust to the room which is essential. I had to make sure I arrived cool and calm.
For that reason I like to get to places on time or early. If I can get there before nearly everyone else I can find a place to settle and get comfortable while everything happens around me. When I arrive late everything is in motion and I badly need to find a place to plant myself down and try to relax in. If I cannot I might head right out of the door minutes after arriving. I’ve done this before. I’ve walked into a packed place and when I couldn’t find a place to drop anchor or a friendly face I started getting really nervous and then the sweat starts pouring down my brow. I get warm easily by nature and I sweat easily when I am uncomfortable. I then get incredibly self conscious about the sweating and discomfort and I flee the scene.
In this case my plans were moving along fine. I had time, I didn’t have to rush and there would be familiar faces when I got there to help me relax. That’s one thing I forgot to mention. All of this nonsense mostly applies if I am going somewhere alone. If I am accompanied by 1 or more people a lot of tension is lifted off my shoulders and I don’t have as much of a problem. It also helps when there are people I know at the place I am going, especially when I am alone as I was tonight.
I had showered, gotten dressed, had my shoes on and was only going to put on my belt, jacket and hat. I was mere moments from heading out the door. I grabbed my belt and ran it through the loops on the pants. Next I attempted to fasten it and something was different. I couldn’t fasten it. Suddenly it wasn’t long enough.
I hadn’t worn any pants that required a belt since Christmas day and I didn’t remember having that much trouble putting it on. Is it possible that I’ve gained enough holiday weight in 3 weeks that I could no longer fasten my belt?
A wave of depression swept over me. I sucked in my gut and pulled a little bit on the belt and I was finally able to fasten it on the last notch but it felt awfully tight. I just needed to put on my jacket and hat and head out the door. It seems like such an easy thing to do but I was overcome by a case of me. I started getting afraid to go. I thought what if people see how fat I am? I also remembered I would be arriving a bit late. What if there were a lot of people there when I walked in? What if they all looked at me and those who knew me would think; damn Ed is getting really big! What if there were pretty females in attendance? I think that’s one of my biggest fears, when pretty women me see when I am not at my best.
My mind was racing. I had my belt on. I just needed to put on that jacket and hat and go. I couldn’t shake my fear out of my mind. I kept pondering it. I kept seeing reactions that probably wouldn’t have occurred. I sat down and started going into Cameron Fry territory. You know, the best friend in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off who can’t decide whether he wants to go out that day. I started to weigh pros and cons. I wanted to go. I wanted to see some of the people who would be there and see how they were doing. I thought it would be fun to hang out. But my fears were speaking louder. I was afraid of what women would think of me and not just at the friend’s house but when we went out to a few places afterwards. I felt like that Goo Goo Dolls song: “I don’t want the world to see me, cause I don’t think they’d understand.”
After the internal debate I regained my composure and looked at the clock. All this useless inner rambling had robbed me of the comfort zone of time I had. Now I was up against it. I would have to walk very briskly to make it in time for the bus and if I didn’t, the next one wouldn’t be for another hour. But if I hustled the 2 blocks to the bus stop I’d be overheated, sweaty and uncomfortable. Oh why even bother going at this point!
When I decide to stay in, shut it down, succumb to my fears and bail out on my plans I feel like a freak. I feel isolated and alone. I turn into a basket case. Whenever I’m badly out of shape like I am now I think I feel ashamed and embarrassed to be seen in public like this. It’s why I try to travel in the anonymity of the shadows rather than the glare of the light. I like to be heard but I don’t like to be seen. It’s probably why I love the internet and typing so much.
I’ve always been a bit flaky when it comes to social gatherings, even when I am in better shape and feeling good about myself. It’s because of nerves, fears and sweat. I’m just not comfortable around people a lot of the time and I don’t know if that’s ever going to change. I know there are things I can do to improve my chances out there like arriving early, dressing comfortably, going somewhere with friends or meeting them out there, etc. but when I am in lone wolf mode and as fragile confidence wise like I was tonight it doesn’t take much to derail me… and I am derailed.
The aftermath of derailment is anger. I’m angry at myself for letting fear get the better of me. I’m angry because I told someone I’d probably be somewhere and I didn’t show. I’m angry at myself for being out of shape. I’m angry for being so damn emotionally fragile. For a little bit I let the anger build and swirl inside of me. I can’t blow it off or bottle it up and nor should I want to. Let it swirl and let it out, that’s what I say. After it was stirred into an impressive emotional stew I harnessed all the anger inside of me and sat down at the computer. I thought; I don’t want to hold onto this when I wake up tomorrow so I’m going to start typing my way back to love. So here I am. Tonight is a bump in the road. It’s silly and it makes no sense but I’m often hopeless when I am overcome by a case of me.
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