Perspective booster. (10-20-22)

I’d put off my Covid booster shot 4 times. I didn’t have a good reason any of the times I changed it. 3 of them, it was only because I didn’t feel like making the walk around the corner and across the street to the pharmacy. Seems silly. But I know to be on my feet for more than a minute or two will cause my back to starting locking up. It hurts like hell and it deteriorates quickly. Within 2 minutes of the pain and locking starting, it gets excruciating. If I clench my teeth and deal with that pain, then my legs start to weaken. First I feel it in my hamstrings. This is the warning to find something to lean on or a place to sit quickly. If I attempt to tough it out and keep moving, my walking speed is reduced to almost a crawl. I get more hunched over. Within another minute or two my legs get weak enough where my balance becomes dreadful. Falling is now an option. It’s an awful feeling to have one or both your legs give out and you fall to the floor or ground. It’s even worse to have this happen in front of other eyes. I feel utterly pathetic if this occurs. Thankfully it’s only ever happened twice. Once is all I really ever needed. I learned from that. I’m a Leo. I’m a Puerto Rican male. I used to be a pretty good athlete. I’m prideful... probably a lot more than I need to be right now. Until my back is better, I have to be smarter. 

Somewhere on the way to smarter, I got fearful. I also got tired of the pain. Do I really want to feel excruciating pain today? So maybe today’s booster appointment gets moved to tomorrow instead. Maybe tomorrow’s gets moved to next week. The first appointment was actually a few weeks ago. I keep moving it. I check the schedule, it’s not like anyone is really signing up to get time slots. Every time I move, I see I was one of the only people they had that day anyway. That helps with the guilt. I’m not taking anything from anyone. Even the pharmacy, they are there anyway doing other things, so as long as I’m not changing times with 30 minutes notice, there’s no guilt. But there is. 

I feel guilty about myself. I should have done this 2 weeks ago. I actually tried to get a booster a month or so ago before I was eligible and was turned away. That sucked so much. To have scheduled a time and walked there to be turned away empty-handed. Somehow that made the pain worse. This time I knew I was eligible. This time I’m gonna walk around the corner, then across the street and do this. 

When I get to the pharmacy at the back of the store, I’m laboring. I need to sit badly. There’s 3 people already in the 4 seats available. Because the one empty seat is pinched in between them I instead go to the blood pressure check machine and sit on that bench. I checked in and submitted everything online in advance so all I had to do was tell them I was here. I begin to catch my breath as quietly as I can. I’m in so much temporary pain but I’m doing my best to conceal it because I do not want to draw any attention to myself. Unfortunately, I am breathing a little heavy and there is some sweat on my brow. In 5 minutes I’ll feel okay again but in front of other people and their eyes, that 5 minutes feels like 50. 

I didn’t look at them, but I could feel that everyone was staring at this large, huffing and puffing guy who probably looked like he could barely move. I tried to quiet down and be still as quickly as I could. After 2 minutes, I was feeling better but was still not quite back to normal yet. Two of the three people waiting to be called for their boosters began talking. The woman said, “That comes from leakage, like when the veins leak a little bit of blood.” They were looking at my legs, my lower right leg especially where my inner calf/ankle area has a bit of a reddish tint from yes, venal insufficiency. I need to be on my feet more. I have circulation problems. Hearing these strangers discuss them has now made me even more self conscious if that were possible. At this point I am wishing I was somewhere else and I feel so lousy. “Did you walk here?” the woman asked. I responded that I did and feeling the follow up question about to arrive I mentioned that I just lived across the street. She responded; “You don’t look like you can walk that far.” I nodded. Kill me now. Must end this now. Thinking... “Well, I made it here and that’s the hard part” I replied with a smirk. “Are you sure?” The lady persists. “We can give you a ride if you want”. I couldn’t think of any other time I’ve been more embarrassed. These folks wanted to give me a ride across the street. “I appreciate that. Thank you, but I’ll be okay”. It was like I said that on autopilot, because internally my emotions were spinning like final spin in the washer. I would have given all the money I had in my pocket just to be back home. 

I took a deep breath and then something happened. I got out of my head. This is something I’ve been working on of late, to try to see things from a perspective other than my own. A lot of times I drown in my own emotions. But these folks weren’t trying to embarrass me, make fun of me, even judge me, even if that’s how I felt. They were legitimately concerned and wanted to help. This softened my vibe and eased my mind. The guy noticed my Spaceballs the t-shirt shirt and said that was one of his favorite movies. The woman coughed a hearty smoker’s cough and then the pharmacist called the guy in. As he walked past me a massive cigarette smell hit my nose. That usually repulses and irritates me, but today I didn’t mind. 

He was in and out in a minute. They called the other man who was waiting quietly this whole time. Just a few minutes ago this felt like one of the worst experiences of recent times and now it felt like a good experience, learning experience. A few minutes pass and the couple is ready to leave. They stand up and I felt like I owed them more than I had given them. I looked over at them at said, “Thank you again for your kindness, I hope both of you have a great rest of your day.” They responded in kind and added “Take care of yourself”. I smiled. “I’m trying” I replied. Yes, I am trying.

Where did Eddie go… a tale of mental & physical health and the last 6 years…

  

My descent into the deepest hole I ever dug began in 2016. It’s unfortunate when you have to climb out of holes you dig for yourself but in the beginning, you never realize you’re digging. It can take weeks, even months to realize your hands are dirty. These days my hands are filthy. It was a few things… an overwhelming sense of doom tied to the 2016 election. It was change. In the fall of 2016, right before the election I moved from a place I shared with a roommate for 8 years. I missed having her around. I especially missed her cats. I lived in a crummy apartment on Hertel Avenue for 5 months that was riddled with disturbances. People were arrested at least 3 times. It had nothing to do with me, but it was the next apartment down the hall from me. The building felt so unsafe and was a massive change from the peace and comfort of where I lived the past 8 years. It was the realization that my body was slowing down. Kickball was over. Football was over. I had stopped playing softball, basketball and whatever else before that. It wasn’t fun to accept I couldn’t just run outside and play everyday anymore, whenever I wanted. I couldn’t even play every other day anymore. I spent decades playing and playing. I’d play sports, go on hikes or just walk around for a few hours.

 

Now, my body felt this type of fatigue it had never felt. It wasn’t the kind you felt after a 4-hour hike, or 5 full court games in a row. It wasn’t the kind you felt after back to back football or kickball league games. It was the kind of fatigue felt just waking up some days… a lethargy that would hit me at times. Looking back, I believe this fatigue had a simple explanation. I was getting older. I wasn’t the 30-year old who would wake up, shower and head out to run around all day until it got dark. My body was slowing down and it was hard for me to accept. I was past my prime and all that running… I was tired. Humans generally don’t like changes happening around them let alone changes coming from within. I had no choice.

 

As 2016 began, my sports league days had ended. To make things worse the 2016 election was ongoing. My candidate was cheated and defeated. I then had to witness one of the worst people of my lifetime become president. Going back to 2015, I had an ominous feeling inside, like something scary was on the horizon, but it was worse than I had imagined. It affected me more than I knew. In the late Spring of 2017, I lost my job of 13 years. I decided I would enjoy the summer instead of looking for a new job immediately. This was a naive mistake. I didn’t realize how much the job market sucked. As 2018 began I was still looking for a job and felt like the world was on fire. I had begun digging rapidly.

 

By March I had sold many of my most valuable possessions to pay rent and other bills. I was broke. My unemployment had run out a few months before and that wasn’t much to begin with. I was desperate for a job. I took an interview with anyone who’d invite me in. This is how I started working at Spectrum. It was a call center, which to me seemed like a nightmare and once I got out of 2 months of training and began to actually do the job, it was confirmed as one. Answering angry people’s questions and taking their venting and abuse was not the best use of my time but again, I was desperate. I had to do what I had to do.

 

It was a brutal job in many ways, but the worst of it was how the company treated us. We were just meat popsicles to them. They cared far more about metrics than people. The turnover was high. As I finished 6 months there and moved into the fall of 2018, I was consistently one of the top performers and a promotion might have been on the horizon but Spectrum was hell. Is getting a promotion in hell really a good thing? A get out of hell free card would be better and one came in November of 2018. The company moved our entire team from our offices right next to the gorgeous Erie Basin Marina to the sterile Appletree Mall in Cheektowaga. It happened quickly. Instead of riding my bike home against the smells of General Mills and the bustle of downtown at night, I now had to take several buses and several hours to get to and from. To make matters worse, the company switched my role from internet and app support to cable support, which was a big step down. I quit Spectrum a few weeks before Thanksgiving and thanks to them moving everyone abruptly I was able to get unemployment.

 

As 2018 was becoming 2019 the nation had become used to the idea as the devil as president. Waking up in that world everyday would hurt me in ways I couldn’t always explain. The angrier people got, the more violent, the more divisive people got. The more people suffered, the more I hurt. This time, the devil didn’t have a pitchfork. He had a shovel. And he dug this nation in its own massive hole. Maybe that’s why I didn’t realize I was still working on mine. And it was getting a lot deeper and more difficult to climb out of.

 

Truth be told, I was aware that I wasn’t feeling right. Since I was jobless I had Medicaid as health insurance. I checked around to see if I could find a place to go to try therapy. I contacted several that were close to me. They were either not accepting new patients or they didn’t take Medicaid. Oh well, I tried. This is the mental health system we have.   

 

A little before Christmas I found out UB was offering free certificate programs. I could do a full time courseload for one semester, get certified in medical coding and then perhaps get something close to a real job in a new career. It almost sounded too good to be true. My unemployment could be extended while I was taking classes, so the timing was good. I had no direction and all my job experience the last 15 years was online retail, working in a record store and call center experience. None of these were things I wanted to do again.

 

I began classes that January and for the first 5 months of the year I was headed in a new, interesting direction. I graduated the program with honors in June and hit the ground running that summer looking for jobs in medical coding and/or billing, the 2 things UB trained me for. What I found out was again how naïve I was. My new certification wasn’t really all that great. No one was gonna hire me to do any medical coding without a more specialized, expensive and much harder to obtain coding certification. As far as billing, any medical practice or facility wanted billers with at least 2 or 3 years experience. For 2 months all I got were offers to be a basic receptionist at a doctor’s office. Not even a patient services rep, those people who check you in at a doctor’s office, but just someone who answered phones and did menial tasks. I found it insulting that a job like that was all that was being offered to me, and of course, if you know me you’ll know I’m not exactly a bubbly people person. I’m a hardcore introvert. I didn’t have the personality for the role, nor could I fake it. For a while there, with the classes and all, I convinced myself I was charting a new path. When I realized I really wasn’t, at least not anything like I wanted, it brought back all the feelings of dread and pain that never really went away. I had dulled them with the idea I was making progress, but now it felt like the only progress I made was digging a deeper emotional hole.

 

As we hit the summer of 2019, tragedy visited me again. In June, my last remaining brother Jose died. It was crushing for sure but what made it more so was that now all 4 of my brothers were gone. The personal struggles met my professional struggles trying to find a job and kicked off that summer in the worst way.

 

It wasn’t all mental and emotional. Some of it was physical too. It was also during that summer where I suffered a major injury I still haven’t recovered from. My back could no longer support the burden of me. Most of my adult life I was a side sleeper. Sometimes I’d curl up into a big ball as I slept. For a few weeks in a row that summer I’d wake up through out the night. I was uncomfortable. I had to keep shifting, trying new positions to alleviate the pain enough to sleep. There was something wrong with my back and/or hip. Sleeping on my side was aggravating it. I went to the doctor and other than some minor stenosis and arthritis, they didn’t really find anything but my back was definitely jacked. I’d go through stretches where for a week or two I was walking very gingerly, then I would almost be fine for a bit afterwards until it happened again. On a biking trip in Canada in late July 2019 I really tweaked it and could barely walk for a few weeks. I needed a cane to get around. By the end of August, I was still not right and saw more doctors. The opinion was that the weight I was carrying was too much for my back and that was causing the difficulty.

 

I began working for Univera Healthcare at the end of August. I had again run out of money and was working from a place of desperation. It was another call center job but it was better than most. I got the opportunity to help people figure out their insurance concerns, give them advice, choices, information and even initiate some actions on their behalf. I also worked exclusively with people on Medicaid, Essential Plans and also people on state enrolled plans which I was familiar with because I’d had all those plans previously. My recent classes in coding and medical billing were helpful in interpreting claims or benefits for members, which is a chunk of the calls I get.

 

Unfortunately my injury to my back and hip had not improved too much even months later. I had to learn to sleep on my back again after 20-25 years. I could not walk very far without my back locking up. When it locks up it becomes harder to move my legs. Then within a minute or two of that, my legs start to tremble and rapidly weaken. My hamstrings fail first and then if I haven’t already found a seat or something to really lean on to reset my back, I could fall down. It’s happened twice. My back locks, my legs can’t take it, give out and I fall. I went to see another doctor and he told me, I had to lose weight. My back couldn’t bear all the belly weight.

 

I had been a 300-pounder most of my adult life. But since I am 6’3” with a large, wide frame, and very strong legs I never had any serious issues. At this time I was maybe 380 to 390, my weight having gone up a good 50 pounds or more in the last few years after my sports playing days ended. I knew if I could lose 20 pounds or so, my back and knees would feel a lot better and perhaps I’d regain the ability to walk and stand for more than 5 minutes at a time. I entered 2020 with new hope despite the fact this hole I dug was now so deep, it was going to be hell to climb out.

 

March 2020. We’ll never forget it. That’s when Covid arrived. When I left the office on March 16^th, 2020 we were told we were gonna try to work from home for a day or two and see what happens. A few days became a few weeks and a few weeks became the foreseeable future. What the company found out was that the entire staff could work from home and the transition went almost seamlessly. I loved the change as it saved me over 2 hours of travel time a day. But that was where the good times ended.

 

The uncertainty was unnerving. Could I go out, was a mask enough? I went to a grocery store with my roommate about a week or so into the pandemic and there were so many people not interested in masking or spacing. I got into the checkout line and the guy behind was literally a foot behind me in line. So was his rambunctious kid. I gave a few nervous over the shoulder looks. I then scooted up a few feet to create distance while gazing over my shoulder right at them. They simply closed the distance. I finally paid, got outside, took my mask off and had a panic attack. I would not go into a supermarket or anywhere for more than a few minutes for a long time. 31 months later and this still applies. I go back and forth sometimes, am I overdoing it?

 

To my knowledge I had not had covid. I am fully vaccinated. I’m actually going in for my latest booster this weekend however I still do not want covid. I have so many health issues, I don’t want to risk my life for a few beers, or to see a local band, or a film. It’s just not worth it to me. On those few occasions where I popped into a restaurant or a pharmacy, I get in and out as quickly as I can.

 

I spoke of the panic attack I had 31 months ago at the supermarket. I feel like this whole pandemic has been one long panic attack. It’s exacerbated some of my worst qualities. Since I wasn’t going anywhere, I found the need to shower every day not as important. Suddenly my motivation to shave was gone. I was always in sweat or shorts. My desire to leave the house, even to go outside for a bit was diminished. I could barely get up some days. I was afraid. Afraid of what was out there, afraid of what was happening in the world, what was happening to people. Bad news was everywhere. I lost things that mattered to me, like Bailey cat and Lana cat. There was so much anger, fear and feeling defeated. These were the worst days of my life. I stress ate. 390 quickly became 400. That quickly became 420, 440. About 6 or 7 months into the pandemic I was about 475 pounds. It was by far the most I’ve ever weighed. I ate ALL the comfort food. My previously injured back was overwhelmed. I struggled to shower, to just walk around the house or take the garbage out. I could barely be on my feet for a few minutes before my back locked and my legs gave out.

 

One of the few positives of the pandemic was my professional life. Not only not having to get on buses and go into the building at work, it was nearly 2 years into my time with Univera and my pay had gone up almost 50% from where I started. I started stocking up on supplies, paper products and the like. Who knew when things would be short again? I wanted to be prepared because we saw what happened last time with shortages. I should have been saving money but I really wasn’t. I was ordering food delivery nearly every day. And I’d always get too much food. A lot of times I’d rationalize and say, well I’ll save some for lunch tomorrow. Then I’d eat it all and just order more the next day. I’ve always been a stress eater and I’ve never been more stressed. To say I was struggling was an understatement. I knew I needed help. But with the danger of the virus and even more limited mobility than I’ve ever had, the challenge of finding a therapist got even larger. It was the same old story… not taking new patients, no hours that fit with my schedule, therapists that don’t actually take insurance. With my health insurance I only had a $25 copay for outpatient sessions with an in-network provider. I could afford it. But I couldn’t find it. So again I tried the same old ways to solve problems I have not been able to solve. Not even close. My hole was now a mighty crater and instead of looking for a way out, I was just sitting in it. I honestly began to wonder, was I digging a massive hole or a grave?

 

Almost a year ago I bottomed out. My blood pressure was very high. My back was a wreck. My weight was out of control. I finally found a PCP for the first time in almost a decade. I went in and got a small grocery list of concerns. I got put on daily medications for the first time in my life.

 

Medications have improved things. My blood pressure is under better control. So is my cholesterol. I got my blood sugar back to a reasonable level. This past summer I rebounded a little. I went to a few outdoor events. I did an Infringement show. I went to my beloved Toronto for 4 extended weekends. I got my weight down and close to 400 pounds again but towards the end of the summer I fell apart. I don’t know exactly what did it or if it was a combination of things, but the weight started coming back. So did the despair. I was spending too much money on food delivery again. My desire to go outside, which was hanging on by a thread, started to evaporate once again. I somehow became even less motivated. I don’t want to walk or go out anywhere. I don’t want to do anything physical because I know it will hurt and I feel like a lifetime of emotional, mental and physical pain has worn me down. I’m so tired of pain. And I’m not saying this because I am looking for a way out, like suicide. That’s not something I think about. I just don’t want to be in pain anymore so I stay in my sanctuary and take no risks, other than the overeating and not exercising. If moving hurts, I try not to move. If being around people makes me jumpy, I stay away from people. I’m reading less news and things that could irritate me. I spend most of my time watching fun videos, listening to music, writing, watching sports, trying to enjoy simple pleasures, daydreaming. Is this me living my best life? It is not, but I’m doing the best I can right now. It’s like I’m in full survival mode. I don’t know why. I don’t know much of anything, other than I am really struggling and really stuck. I know what I doing now seems like an improvement but it’s not sustainable and it’s just me hiding from the pain.  

 

The truth is, I am still afraid to do most indoor events and things because of covid. But more than that, I’m ashamed to go out and be seen, afraid people will see me and think wow that guy is really fat and monstrous. I’m afraid chairs won’t be big enough, or that I will break them and embarrass myself even more. Even worse, I’m afraid people who know me, or who saw me in years past will see me and think wow he really let himself go or something to that effect. I’m never someone who goes out into the public and wants to be seen. I prefer to be invisible, incognito, but being this large and awkward calls a lot of attention my way… and a lot of judgment.

 

I know what I’m doing isn’t enough. I tried again to find help. This time I didn’t search for it locally. I tried online mental health providers and discovered that none of them are in-network for me, so I’d have to pay full price. Bleh. Then when I was close to throwing up my hands again, I found one provider that I could get a deal where each session was reduced to the point where it was just a little bit more than it would cost me to go see a local provider that took my insurance. How could I refuse? And now I am scared and excited to go down this road. I just saw this sentiment on the Walking Dead the other night and it really captures my thinking. I struggle to stay afloat, do just enough to get by and often think; well it could be worse. But really, forget that thinking. It could be worse but it could be better too… a lot better. It should be   Even though I may look like I’ve given up, act like I’ve given up, the fact that I am still trying, at least a little, to find a way out of this massive hole I dug for myself means there’s still hope. And hope can sometimes get you out of holes.

 

 

Remembering the October Surprise, 16 years later (10-12-22)

 I found the journal entry I made on 10/22/06, ten days after the storm. Why so long after, well the power was out for a week and I had to transcribe my sloppy handwriting which is probably good to tack on a day or two, lol. Here is my blog about my experience with the storm:

"The following account was taken from my written journal that I rarely ever use, but felt compelled to do so at this time following the aftermath of the worst pre-Winter storm in the history of Buffalo.

 

Day 1:  Thursday October 12, 2006

 

It started off as any other day… running late, looking for clean socks, skipping breakfast and wondering when I’d do laundry again. I heard a forecast that called for a 20 degree drop in the temperature. Yesterday it was rainy but it was 65 degrees. Today it seemed that the temperature barely broke 40. Welcome to October in Buffalo. Much is made about wintertime in Buffalo by many. I’m sure people around the country think it snows for 6 months straight so we just sit around depressed, eat chicken wings and drink imported beer from right over the border.

 

Well, to be honest some of that is true, but while there’s a little validity in that there are far more interesting aspects of “winter” around here. They are called fall and spring. You see during October and April the weather is at its most unpredictable. On a day in October it’s 65 one day and 40 the next and in April the same is true except maybe the other way around. CRACK! There it is again. It seems like the loud cracking, popping, gunshot like sounds are getting closer and occurring more frequently. Where was I? Ah yes the changes in the weather. In October and April the weather fluctuates so much that sometimes the extent of the changes eludes even the local weather experts with their radars, all their weather knowledge and Doppler 3000s.

 

Today the forecast was for rain possibly turning into wet snow by nightfall. Then as the afternoon progressed I heard a forecast for 4-6 inches of wet snow. It’s funny how 8 hours later the forecast changes. When I was a kid and I used to watch the news and weather I was amazed at the accuracy of the weatherman. I figured by the time I was an adult they’d know the weather for at least a whole month. Getting back to the original forecast of today, the drop from 65 to 40-something would surely have people digging in their closets and I was no exception. Although running late I still had to take a few moments to grab my winter jacket out of hiding. It’s grey with a black stripe. Although I did not miss what it represents, I did miss the comfort the jacket provides. CRACK! I took 20 seconds to dust it off and I threw it on while going out the door to work. Outside the air was definitely chilled. What a difference 24 hours makes. At the same time the day before I was running out the door to work wearing nothing but a short sleeve shirt and shorts and now I’m wearing pants and digging for my warm winter coat.

 

Around 3pm some of the employees at work went outside for a smoke and some chatter. Upon coming back inside I could hear them sounding surprised and in a bit of awe. I wandered over to see what was so compelling to grab their attention. I found myself walking outside a few seconds later into a heavy snow. WOW! It was the first snow of the year. The flakes were big and thick. It was a wet heavy snow that when you get an inch or two can make great snowballs. I took a quick picture of the first snowfall; it’s my desktop at work now.

 

By 5pm there were a few inches on the ground. Buffalo was turning into a gigantic slurpie. The slushy wet snow was piling up and everything outside had a white coating. As much as I enjoy the first snow, I was starting to think Mother Nature had made her point. I was starting to think about having to walk home 3 blocks in 4 or 5 inches of wet snow in my sneakers. But on the other hand I needed a few more hours at work for the week, so I was working late when my housemate surprisingly showed up. BOOM! If the cracking and popping wasn’t bad enough, now there’s the intensely close booming of thunder maybe a second behind the lightning. The storm is right on top of me.

 

My housemate showed up and said we lost power at the house. Five minutes before he arrived, my internet at work went out so when he suggested we grab a bite to eat for the short term I didn’t have any objections. As we drove down to a restaurant in Allentown we could see the snow was really piling up in such a short period of time. The thing that was most noticeable were the trees. All of the trees still had their leaves on them and in many cases the leaves were still green. Over a month or so in October and November the leaves around here begin to change colors from a deep green to a dead yellow/brown with many pretty colors in between and then fall to the ground. Heavy snow on barren trees in November and after ain’t no thing. But heavy snow on the current tree situation was a problem. We could see many branches bending and buckling underneath the wet of the heavy wet snow.

 

After we grabbed a bite we returned home to find that power was not restored. I ran upstairs to grab my digital camera and we figured we’d drive around and check out this unusual storm in the neighborhoods nearby. I thought I’d take some pictures of these lovely trees in the unnatural shapes and positions the weather was forcing upon them.

 

My housemate left to the burbs to go somewhere not so dark and cold so now I find myself alone in the dark with no internet, no television, nothing to keep my imagination and my fears at bay. CRACK! That one was right outside my window. I’m sitting in my dark bedroom listening to the wet snow take its toll on all the trees in the neighborhood. I hear the winds whipping around and aiding the snow in undressing the trees. Then to top it all off is the frequent thunder and lightning to add an extra eerie feeling to this storm. Something tells me that the power may be off for a few days because this must be happening all over. I’m laying here trying to get myself to sleep but startled every single minute by branches snapping off of the trees and falling to the ground. Since I couldn’t sleep I decided to pick up this pen and begin writing about it. I have a battery powered lantern I use on camping trips as my dim light to write by and a small army of pens scattered throughout my room. I wonder what supplies I’ll need if this turns out pretty bad. Perhaps it’s time to make a list of those things. Hopefully work will have power tomorrow because freezing here in the dark really sucks for lack of a better word.    Ed- 12:44 am

 

Day 2:  Friday October 13

 

I awoke a few minutes after 7. Despite having no power, I didn’t need an alarm. The bitter coldness of my room was all the alarm I needed. I took a quick peek outside my bedroom window to find that every tree I could see was damaged. Every single one of them were missing branches, and some where missing large chunks. It was so cold. The oncoming daylight only showed me the result of the storm and actually made me feel worse. It snowed a ton. In all the Octobers I’ve spent in Buffalo, I’ve never experienced anything like this.

 

I found my way to the shower and at least there was still hot water. But even the steamy shower could not warm the bathroom completely. I took a very quick shower, threw on my clothes even quicker and headed out to work. I thought I should bring my camera with me once again. When I arrived on the front porch my eyes could not believe what they saw. It looked like a snowacane had hit the street. There was 2 feet of snow on the ground and pieces of trees were everywhere. There were large branches draped over cars, on people’s porches, all over the street. I’d never seen anything like it. Suddenly I wished I had bought new boots for the winter. I had been putting it off for a few more weeks because it never snows much in October. Well, I guess I shouldn’t say never. So I had to walk 3 blocks in 2 feet of snow in my hi-top sneakers.

 

The only visible ground was the slits in the middle of the street where a few brave souls decided to drive at some point that morning. I walked along the tire marks slipping and sliding all around. When I made 2 blocks up to Main Street, I noticed the streetlight was out. I looked in each direction down Main and it looked like other streetlights were out as well. This wasn’t good. I made my way 1 block up Main Street to my workplace. Since Main is a far busier street than the other two I walked on, the street was almost bare… well at least a single car’s width on either side of the street. I walked up the street a little bit then a car would come and I would have to move into the deep snow and stand there until the car or cars passed. It took me almost 10 minutes to make it that one block. When I arrived at work the parking lot was not plowed. There weren’t even tracks anywhere in the lot. I slowly walked through the high snow to the door. I looked in the window, the time clock was out. There was no power.

 

I walked home a little dejected. I had plenty of sick and vacation time to cover any extended periods out of work so I wasn’t worried about any hours lost. But it was Friday morning and I was so very looking forward to the weekend. I love weekends. Weekends are my time. I can do anything I want. For someone like me with my rebellious spirit and distain for wasting my time doing things for ungrateful people, when I control my time, it’s a wonderful thing. I may take my 6-7 hours after work each weekday and do absolutely nothing but play on my computer and watch television, but that’s my choice. I can’t stand to have my hand forced. I can’t stand to lose all control. The weekend is the pinnacle. I have from Friday night to Sunday night to do anything I wish with. Whether it’s nothing or a full itinerary if I make that choice, I am happy.

 

On the way home from work about 7 or more hours ahead of schedule I tripped and stumbled through the snow, even falling completely into it one time. After arriving back home and collecting myself I took a quick trip to the store a few blocks away. Thankfully it was open. I needed food. I needed supplies. All the food in my fridge was almost gone and despite having a freezer full of food, I had no power to cook the meat, chicken, vegetables, fish and French bread pizza. At the Rite Aid pharmacy store supplies were low. Many ready to eat foods were gone. For instance they didn’t have a single bag of potato chips. They hardly had any water or soda pop. The candles were all gone and the only batteries they had were the most expensive kind. I bit the bullet, bought the pricey batteries, a little bit of candy and made my way back home through the carnage and snow. I took pictures of my neighborhood and the conditions right outside my house before I went inside.  Ed- 9:59 am 

 

Still Day 2: 

Originally the people in the know thought power would be out for a few days, but now some indications are that we will be powerless for a week! I feel so sick right now too. Perhaps sleeping in my icy tomb of a bedroom last night has made me ill. As I spend another night here in the dark I have my crappy old walkman to listen to the newsradio or music on and the sound of the cold rain tapping at my window. My head is killing me from this sudden cold and my nose is running like a leaky pipe. In this darkness I can no longer tell where my room ends and the night begins. Ed-11:44pm

 

Day 3: Saturday, October 14, 2006

 

The damage is extensive and expensive. Many surrounding suburbs were devastated like Buffalo. It has been confirmed that some areas would not have power for a week or more. I could be in the dark for another 6 or 7 days. My health is not good. I feel weak and sick. If all of this crap wasn’t hard enough to go through I have to be sick during it too. Thankfully my housemate came back from the burbs and whisked me out of dodge with promises of a fireplace and internet. It wouldn’t have even taken that much.

 

I’m writing this now in the evening. I am at a house in Amherst which is a nice suburb of Buffalo. They had a very warm fireplace and a generator to boot. We huddled around the fire and listened to the hockey game on the radio. The Buffalo Sabres are playing tonight at the arena in downtown Buffalo and surprisingly they have power. It was perhaps more surprising that they were playing in front of a near capacity crowd. I’d bet it’s good for the people there to get away from their cold powerless lives for a few hours and go to an exciting hockey game. The Sabres did not disappoint and clobbered New York. Towards the end of the game the power came on at this house I was staying at and we watched the end of it. My housemate and I ran up to the University of Buffalo’s north campus, also in Amherst, and found a few computer terminals that were operational. 48 hours without the net and I was going through withdrawal, although that wasn’t nearly as bad as my cold and constant runny nose. I had to check my email and just surf for a little bit. Things could be worse I guess   Ed- 11:57pm

 

Day 4: Sunday, October 15

 

After waking up in a warm bed in a warm house (so warm in fact that I had to sleep without covers) I felt a little bit better. My nose was still running like a facet but my headaches and sinus pressure had lessened a little bit. Staying at my housemate’s father’s girlfriend’s house was just what I needed. A few home cooked meals and some warmth really did the trick. I returned back to the city to my mother’s house where I watched the football game and then headed home after some more warm food. The city was beginning to wake up from its forced slumber but there was still a huge portion of it without power, including me.  Ed- 6:19pm

 

Day 5- Monday, October 16

 

It was the beginning of the work week. Once again I rose at dawn but things were looking better. Sometime Sunday night it dawned on me I had a very comfy sleeping bag in my closet. It was a sleeping bag that was tested up to 20 degrees. That means if it were 25 degrees and you were inside that bag, you’d still be okay, warm enough. I dug that out Sunday night and jumped into that thingy with my comforter and Sabres blanket on top of it. Boy oh boy was that nice under there. My legs felt so warm that I actually took off my slippers, 2 pairs of socks and jogging pants I had been sleeping in since the first night. I actually slipped in there with only a t-shirt and my boxer briefs. Between the sleeping bag and my personal CD player, the dark nights without power were getting just a little better. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t peaches and gravy. It was still incredibly frustrating to spend nearly 12 hours a day in total darkness. My imagination was working overtime. I stayed in one place, my room because it was slightly warmer in there than in any room in the house but spending so much time alone in my room has me talking to the shadows. They act like they don’t hear me but I know they do.   Ed- 8:11pm

 

Day 6- Tuesday, October 17

 

I think the shadows are talking to me now. I act like I don’t hear them but they know I do. It’s a pointless game. Seriously, I would be going really batty if it wasn’t for work. Since Monday I’ve been working but not at the comfort of my desk. I’ve been at a cubicle across town in South Buffalo where power and internet are present. If we didn’t have this option, we’d have to cancel hundreds of orders and our business really can’t afford that so finding an alternate method to do business, even if we have to drive 25 minutes each time back and forth between a building across town and our cold lifeless warehouse/office is necessary. The prognosis from the power’s that be are that everyone will have power restored by Sunday. When everything went down almost 400,000 people were without power. Every day the number dwindles. I think today it was 120,000 or something like that when I left in the morning for work. With the possibility of power coming on at any minute, I remain very optimistic. What will I do when it comes back on? I will sit down in front of my computer and television (they’re right next to each other) with some food and just relax. I will also be able to do this in my shorts and a t-shirt because the heat should be back on when the power returns. What can I say, I’m a simple guy. I don’t need much. I like intimacy, quiet, simplicity and things people take for granted. Anyway, I hope that day is soon. In the meantime I took a few pictures of myself hiding in my warm sleeping bag and a few other shots of my immediate surroundings.

 

Day 7- Wednesday, October 18

 

I grow tired of writing. When I was a kid I used to write about a million things. I’d draw pictures, copy sports statistics from the paper, write little stories, write poems, write gibberish, write thoughts, etc. Since I’ve been introduced to computers some time ago and learned how to type, I want to type everything. I hate repeating myself and with my soft voice I do enough of that in conversation. When I write things out and then want to copy them to my computer it’s basically saying the same thing twice. That’s not efficient. Anyway, I have a basketball game tonight and it is still on. A friend of mine wants to drag me out to Indian buffet before the game. I know what you’re thinking… an Indian buffet and then play basketball? I’m a professional folks, don’t try this at home. The truth is I won’t eat too much. I just want to go out and have a warm meal.   Ed- 4:45pm

 

Upon returning from the basketball game (we won 65-63), I came home to a dimly lit front porch, but lit nonetheless. I ran upstairs and walked into a suddenly heated apartment. It was all over. I finally had my life back. I have no regrets about any of it. I have a greater appreciation of many things now. I’m a little more equipped to handle adversity like this in the future. Furthermore, who cares about the past… right now, everything is fine."

Let's talk about LOVE

I wrote an essay on love. If you always wondered about how we love and why relationships fail, please read on and let me know what you think...

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“What is Love?” -Haddaway


In the last month or so, I’ve been reading, watching and listening to a ton of stories both real and fictional about love. It’s really gotten my heart and mind racing. Love is everything. I’ve been taking a very close look at love… a place I’ve been and a place I would like to return to someday. I think I have a better understanding of it than I ever have. Now to be fair, I have no credentials. I haven’t shared my bed with more people than I can count. In fact, you may think I have no idea what I’m talking about, but love is important enough that I think you'll indulge me anyway on the odd chance I’m in the ballpark and have uncovered some wisdom in my years. I promise you I have been pondering this for a very long time. My theory is over a decade in the making. I also promise you that you have nothing to lose by reading this, other than a few minutes. So here goes.
In my experience I believe there are 2 kinds, 2 types or 2 levels of love. That’s my theory. You can also use those terms (kinds/types/levels) interchangeably here. I also believe that most folks today see only one kind of love and that can be very dangerous to relationships. Disagree? I think our record levels of divorce are proof of it. According to statistics, relationships are failing more than ever. Why is that? Is it because we’re more fickle? Harder to satisfy? In most aspects of our lives we have infinite choices and I’d bet that translates into our dating philosophy- always wondering what else is out there, always thinking we can do better. Well, I did pretty good here but I just know there’s something better out there! It could turn into a lifelong pursuit that could have been a life spent happy with someone you took a chance on. I’m sure those things play a role, but I think the bigger issue is that love isn’t as easily defined as it used to be. Once upon a time, there was really more of a single kind of love and the only way most relationships ended was if someone died or if one of the two people did some really messed up stuff that warranted the relationship coming to an end. Usually I’m all in favor of the progressive approach to things but maybe in this instance, maybe we did love better back in the day.

Over time, love and romance became for lack of better word, romanticized, to a degree where we only saw the best stuff. The rise of media perpetuated the fantasy. Movies, tv and other forms of media began to paint a very optimistic and unrealistic picture. I think it has influenced us negatively in matters of the heart because for decades people were made to feel more insecure, more insignificant and have been taught to think in a shallower, superficial way. Love is not a contest! Why can’t my love be like that movie, that book, that song? Media has had an extremely powerful effect on love. The effect is that it transformed love from a very cut and dried concrete institution into a concept with layers, more possibilities. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it! But we did, we really fixed ourselves up to love as superficially as our wants and desires in these times. Maybe it was inevitable. Maybe we had to evolve beyond the simple concept of love and make it more like our world; highly complicated, or maybe liberated, depending on your point of view. But the fact remains that relationships are failing more than ever. Why do we love so frivolously?


“There are 2 kinds of love that you ought to know…” –Rocky II


The Greeks believed that there were as many as 8 types of love. Some were self-love or love for family and since we are talking about mating here, I won’t acknowledge those. As I stated earlier, I believe there are 2 kinds of love. I call them: “Fantasy Love” and “Reality Love”. If you put on the Bachelor or some other dating program show, you might think these 2 types of love are one and the same but I assure you nothing could be farther from the truth. I think my 2 types of love have simplified and modernized the types those Greeks spoke of. In my theory of “Fantasy Love” I pretty much incorporate 3 of the Greek types together: “Eros” (erotic love, passionate physical love), “Ludus” (playful love, casual love, frivolous love) and “Mania” (obsessive, possessive love). In my second type of love; “Reality Love” I take those aforementioned 3 types and add 2 more of the Greek ones: “Philia” (deep friendship, loyalty, trust) and “Pragma” (mature, practical, equal, longstanding, enduring love). Think of it as level one love and level two love. Your head may be spinning a bit right now so let me break this down to you in more elaborate terms.

Fantasy Love is the publicized love, the romanticized love. It’s the one that gets all the headlines, movies, stories, songs, top billing. It’s the love we always hear about and the love everyone desires. It feels amazing and overwhelming at times. It’s this feeling that we hit the jackpot, found magic, embraced fate. For some folks this feeling lasts for years, others a few months but inevitably it does fade or weaken. A love “high” feels organic and real so we think we’ll never come down, but like ANY high, we do. Now let’s give love credit, a high that could last for a few years or even a few months is better than any drug going today. That is a tremendous high but the question is; what happens when the honeymoon is over, when the high moderates and the initial passion, excitement and infatuation ends? You were crazy about this person but now, the feeling is different. You more readily see their flaws, they no longer give you butterflies, they annoy you more easily and you find pleasure in not being around them from time to time. They seem ordinary to you rather than like someone out of a dream. You’ve come back down to earth. This is all very normal but if you’ve been riding the wave of your love high, this might seem like a crash. Do you accept that they are no longer the fantasy and the fantasy wasn't sustainable, or do you start to think about finding that love high again, if not with them, than maybe with someone else? It is this that breaks up a lot of folks. You might say, it was good while it lasted or we had a good run but the relationship has run its course. I think that’s bullshit. For whatever reason, you just don’t want to move to the next level. If you are separated a lot, like in a long distance relationship you can definitely grow apart and lose the magic. It’s unfortunate but likely. But if you are in a close relationship that you thought was everything and now think is nothing, unless one of you lost their damn mind or turned out to be someone other than you thought they were, I have to wonder, why are you giving up? If you found someone you can love, did love and have compatibility with, why toss it aside when the love high fades? Maybe it’s because you didn’t really love them, at least not completely, or you dove headlong into the fantasy that you had no chance of maintaining reality. See what I did there? I refer to level 1 as “fantasy” because it isn’t sustainable. People see what they want to see instead of what is really there and once the fantasy ends, so does the love. More is needed. You took a chance and opened your heart a bit but you never went all the way. You love was unbalanced and unrealistic. You never embraced full acceptance and moved to level 2. Maybe that’s why when things go bad with this type of love, people panic and bail out... because adversity was never part of the fantasy and they don’t know what else to do. Level 1 is necessary and important, but don’t let yourself overdo it. Everything, and yes even love, is best in moderation. Real life isn’t like the movies.


“Do You Believe in Love?” –Huey Lewis and the News


That brings me to my 2nd type/level of love; “Reality Love”. Reality love is that gritty love, that real love, that serious love. It’s ugly crying love. It’s ups and downs that don’t get too up or too down love. Reality love doesn’t have unanswered questions. It’s not a matter of if but when, not a matter of if but how. It’s always going to be there to support you. It’s going all in with the deepest commitment and acceptance. Fantasy love has strong roots in physical and emotional love but Reality love adds to that. It adds a powerful element of intellectual love. It requires patience, loyalty, understanding and full devotion. Compared to level 1 it’s boring and ugly but it’s also ordinarily phenomenal. It’s legendary but it’s taken for granted by those who aren't in one of these relationships. Let’s face it, flings, torrid affairs, short courtships and hot relationships that “run their course” in a short period of time are the newsworthy items. Two people who connected and devoted themselves for 50 years, made the sacrifices, worked to make it work- it’s a cute little mention, a nod, a wave, but it’s not juicy, exciting or salacious. It’s also not easy. That’s why so few do it these days. I have the utmost respect for those who did, do and those who can if they did/do it for the right reasons. They basically reached a point with their mate where they said; the search is over. I choose you and I will devote myself to you and to us for as long as possible. I will love you, support you and always be there... and they meant it! To me that’s the real romance, the real headline. I find that so damn impressive.

When you reach this 2nd level of love, it means you’ve built a very strong foundation on the 1st level. How strong? Strong enough where a few cracks, some shaky moments and decisions will not bring the house down. You can make the repairs as needed because your strong foundation holds and you strengthen your bond. If you haven’t reached the 2nd level of love, it means your foundation is not strong and cracks in the relationship can bring the whole thing down. Sounds pretty easy right?

But how do you get to the 2nd level of love? You need to invest time, patience and caring into someone until you get to know them, see how they fit. There’s no correct amount of time because it’s different for everybody. Don’t buy in too much to the fantasy. It’s always wonderful to meet someone amazing, and it's always very exciting but no one is perfect. Don’t place unreasonable expectations on your mate or the relationship. Don’t let yourself get overwhelmed by emotion. Practicality, logic, reason- they have a place at the love table too. Now after you’ve made your way into the first type of love, the Fantasy portion where you’ve connected physically, emotionally, this is where the relationship will either fizzle or graduate to adulthood. Adulthood you ask? Think of it this way… at some point in our lives, maybe as a teen, maybe as a twenty-something, there came a point where we had to make an adult decision and really grow up. I'm sure you remember a decision like that. We as people need to mature and grow and relationships are no different. You might have had a very important decision to make, one that could alter the course of your life. How do you make that decision? By going with your first emotion? Or do you take some time and contemplate the ifs? That’s growing up, graduating from emotion to reason. Should emotion be discarded? Of course not, but it should only be part of the decision making process, not the sole decider. If you can balance a clear head with a biased heart, you can then devote yourself to the relationship, move on to level 2 and have a much better chance at success. Remember level 1 is a hell of a ride but level 2 is a better journey.


“Love Will Tear Us Apart” –Joy Division


I was deeply in love once. I didn’t know what I was doing but I gave it everything I could at the time. I had been friends with this person for several months. We saw each other often as we worked at the same place. Our connection was noticeable. Some work friends were already sick of being around us due to the “witty banter” and dialogue that sounded “almost scripted”. I had never met anyone that I clicked with so easily, male or female. I naturally fell head over heels, batshit crazy for her and as someone who doesn’t have the best poker face, this wasn’t exactly a secret. There were a few obstacles along the way, but eventually she reciprocated my feelings for her. The first few weeks were the giddiest I’ve ever experienced. We were both so happy to be with each other. When she had to leave town for a summer internship, I scraped together every penny I could to go spend one weekend or one week a month with her. She would joke and say things like; why aren’t we married already? I’m sure she was at least half kidding, but I was still in awe over being in love for the first time. I didn’t know where we’d go, what would happen but I felt that as long as she was by my side and I was by hers, everything would be alright. Yeah, I was a bit naïve. We’d talk on the phone every day. Many nights she’d be in tears because she missed me so much. I kept the faith. We’d be alright as long as the love was there. I thought we’d be able to make it through anything. Love conquers all… until it doesn’t. It got to be too hard for her. We were kinda stuck in limbo. She was in another city and perhaps another one after that and I was here. You know how tough long distance relationships are. That one week a month I’d spend with her wasn’t enough. She threw in the towel. My heart was broken like nothing I had ever felt. It took me a very long time to recover. I was naïve but at the same time I was fully invested. That’s why it hurt so much. Right or wrong, I was willing to spend my life with her and devote myself completely to our relationship. She wasn’t. The funny thing is, I had definitely jumped into the first level of love with her, ridiculously so. It was probably quicker than I should have. But over time she convinced me that we had a chance to go the distance. She was the one who spoke about marriage and even kids. I was just happy to be there. Then in the end, when I was fully convinced that I wanted those things and more with her, it was over. To this day I wonder if she ever really reached that second level of love with me. The long distance between us surely played a role in our demise but was she ever as invested as I was? I guess I’ll always wonder but I think I know the answer. Fast forward many years and she’s married now with a few kids of her own. She seems very happy and I’m happy for her. She deserves it. I wouldn’t trade our time together for anything. It was an amazing experience and it started the process for me of understanding what love is and what’s required.


“I wanna know what love is. I want you to show me.” –Foreigner


What does the future hold? Well, hopefully love and hopefully love on both levels. I know I have the capacity to love deeply and completely. If you made it through this entire essay on love, I love you… but only on the 1st level. I’m all for us spreading and sharing as much love as possible. The world is a better place when we love. But when we get into relationships, let’s not love frivolously. Love deserves more than that. It’s been getting a bad name from all the posers and people who aren’t really committed to it. Love with your heart AND your head. Love deeply as well as passionately, intellectually as well as emotionally and I guarantee you that you’ll have more fulfilling relationships. Hell, maybe you’ll have just one. :)


“Love is the best thing we do” –Ted Mosby

Dreaming of Me (3-11-18)

I never remember my dreams. Maybe once in a month or two I’ll remember a dream and that’s usually only if I wake up really early and fall back asleep. It’s like cheating. Considering the type of waking dreams I have during the day, I wonder what kinds of amazing dreams I have when I sleep. I wonder why I never remember them. It gets to the point that when I do remember a dream or components of one that I think it must have been important somehow. Why would I remember THIS one?

Last night I had an incredible dream.

I’ve always wanted the ability to time travel. To be able to go any time I want. Yes there are some predictable things I’d do. I’d go into the future to see about my well being, to see how the world is. I’d be sure to get the lotto numbers for the next Powerball drawing, lol. Well, I’d have to be to pay my bills if I spent my days time traveling instead of working. I’d also use my wealth to impact people in a positive way, give to those who need it. Maybe I’d bring things back from the future. Thanks to Back to the Future and dozens of sci-fi stories I’ve read or seen over the years, I’m extremely paranoid and afraid of tampering with the past because of the ramifications of what could happen in an alternate reality. You just don’t know. Killing Hitler in the 1930s, stopping JFK or Dr. King from being assassinated could have different but equally terrible consequences. It could endanger the existence of things that are here now. I could even jeopardize my own existence depending on what I tamper with. Can you imagine? You change something in the past for the betterment of many but the ripple effect of that is you were never born. It sounds like a Twilight Zone episode. But the future? It hasn’t happened. It could be. It may be. Tampering with the future to make it a better future… I’d have no problem doing that.

So if I could time travel, I’d go into the future to bring back things that would benefit the present and potentially, make it an even better future. I’d go back into the past simply to take in sights, sounds and be a tourist. I’d go back in time to see Prince & the Revolution on the Purple Rain tour in 85. I’d go back and see the Doors at the Whiskey, Bowie in the mid-70s. I’d go see Jimi, Coltrane, Marvin Gaye, Otis Redding and so many great artists we’ve lost. I’d go see many musicians when they were in their prime. I’d go see Star Wars in a theater in 1978. I’d go back to walk around Buffalo 50 years ago, 100 years ago… and maybe take a few pictures. To me the past would be a vacation and the future would be more like work.

But what happens when it’s not our collective past and future, but just your own? In my dream, I had the opportunity to go back into time on a very personal level. Lately I’ve been pining for many things from my youth. I wish I could go back and live a day again in 1985, 1990, 1995. I want to watch MTV when there’s nothing but videos. I want to listen to radio stations on a regular day 35 years ago. I want to hang out in the neighborhood, sit on a porch and interact with everybody like the old days. I’ve also been binge watching That 70’s Show and I can’t help but think I would have fit in with those kids, in that era… before neo-liberalism and pushback against our progress during what I consider the be the best music era of all time. The late 70’s had it all… commercial exploitation, arena rock, funk, singer songwriters, and the birth of incredible new genres like hip hop, punk and new wave, which to me were the most important genres in music history. I keep thinking about it, growing up in that time and just taking it all in. When I was a kid I didn’t really notice or get into music until around 1983/84. That was an incredible time for music for sure. My first 3 records were Thriller, Purple Rain and Van Halen’s; 1984. I liked a lot of things, a lot of bands but never more than one genre at a time. I didn’t think you were allowed to like hip hop and hair metal at the same time. Peer pressure made sure of it. I also didn’t know who I was yet and being that I was a child, that wasn’t a serious offense. So while I enjoyed the hell out of my youth in many ways, part of me wishes I could go back and do it all again knowing everything I know now. This is where last night’s dream comes in.

In my dream I was sent back in time. I was me but I was a younger me. But it was different, I had my current mind. I was aware that I was reliving my life yet I was actually there, inside that younger version of me with the ability to alter anything I wanted. I could avoid mistakes I made and make better choices than those times where I made stupid ones. I could set my life on a completely different path. I actually knew then what I know now. It was amazing. I just had to figure out “when” am I.

I lived on Hudson Street right around the corner from Allen. So I immediately had an idea of when I was. I lived in that house for almost 10 years. I was somewhere between 9 and 19. I was coming back from something in the evening. I used my house key to get in. I walked into the house and it was just as I remembered it. My dad was still alive. I heard a kitten meow. It was from a batch of kittens our cat Peaches had. I started to zero in on when it was, how old I was. I was either 12 or 13, in junior high and right on the verge of high school. I was about to embark on what were some of the toughest years of my life. My first two years of high school were so brutal that I had suicidal thoughts, I wanted to quit school. People bullied me all the time, life was so hard then. My closest friends had all moved to other states. I was so lonely and afraid. No one liked me. But this was the time right before that period began. I still had time to change things, to be stronger. I didn't know who I was back then, but know with my current mind in that young body, I knew. I knew who I was and that would make things easier, better this time. I sat down. I started to think about it. What was I about to do? Did I want to do it? Yeah, I wanted to erase some of my worst memories, put myself in a far better position than I ended up in. But a funny thing happened on my way to my new life. I began to think about the life I was leaving behind.

I thought about my favorite people. I thought about my experiences, all the joy and fun I’ve had over the years. It dawned on me that if I do this, if I relive these years, everything I had and did would be wiped out. They’d become only the memory of another life, that didn’t exist except for in my mind. Would I try to cheat? Would I try to better my young life but still try to cross paths with the people I knew from the previous one? After all, I knew who they were, where they worked, lived, hung out, etc. Was that even possible? If I chose to go back to this point in my life and do it again in a better way, my life would move in an entirely different direction. The timing would be different. The circumstances would be different. There would be new friends, new experiences, new people in my life. It would mean a different me. I really began to think long and hard whether or not this is what I wanted. Was I willing to trade my joys, my loves, my entire life for a new one. Here I was sitting in my room in 1987... now I wasn’t so sure but was it too late? Was I now stuck here in the 12-13 year old me? Could I abort this time travel mission and return to the present? If I were stuck here, in order to have the life I already had I’d have to make pretty much all the same choices all over again. That meant the same pain and difficulty all over again but this time with the knowledge that it was going to happen instead of being hit with the adversity in real time. Depression came over me. Why did I need to wish for this? It was too much.

Then I woke up and the feeling was bittersweet. I remembered my dream and I was torn. Part of me really wanted to go back and do it better, use the wisdom I’ve picked up and become a better Eddie. But the other part of me felt like I was cheating and wasn’t willing to part with who I am to become who I could’ve been. There’s no guarantees that a re-lived, alternate life would have been a better life, a better me. Maybe we shouldn’t mess with the past. The words of Doc Brown echo in my head. Like I said earlier, if I go back, I’d go back to see things, hear things, take it in but not to change things. I understand that you can’t do it all again. I think I woke up because I made my choice. The past is a great place to visit but you can’t live there.

When The Smoke Clears

This is a tribute to those who died in Parkland, Florida and to those who fight on.

“When the Smoke Clears”

The sound of bullets and screams…

The echoes of now permanent memories

The smell of smoke and death…

The fear of feeling completely helpless

But when the smoke clears…

When everyone wants to move onto another dose of insanity

the youth are the engine of change and possibility

They won’t take no from someone who can’t answer honestly

They are fearless and brave 

in the face of a violence that doesn’t want to change

Young people lead revolutions 

when adults make excuses 

and take cash to avoid solutions

They show us the way

Maybe that’s because they are the most invested

in choosing our direction

The future is theirs

they want to protect it

They started long ago 

and they’re still marching

When we needed equality

when we needed to vote

when we need our rights 

they’ll walk down that road

The youth give me hope… 

they always lead the way 

in fashion and art

but now they lead with passionate hearts

I've thought about praying 

until your indifference 

started preying upon my thoughts

It’s not stealing if you don't get caught

but you've been caught red handed 

with the blood of your constituents 

dripping from your wallets

Do you have change for a dollar 

and a generation?

Do you have enough compassion 

for common sense legislation?

How about we react with substance

can you change a chilling sensation 

into one of progress

Instead of running 

from another horrific injustice

where the victims died for nothing

but your corruption

When the smoke clears… 

you'll have the rest of your life in purgatory 

to enjoy your blood money

Your cowardice and inaction 

helped kill the innocent

Do you have any regrets?

You deserve the long, overdue pink slips 

you’re gonna get

The future has come to make you history

you see

Tomorrow has gotten tired of how today has to be

now it’s arrived 

in order to serve the community

To try to find a way 

to stop turning schools into cemeteries

towns into funeral processions

it keeps happening

we keep asking the same questions

and hiding from the answers

every death another lesson

every day like before

Conflict arrives 

when you pick donations over lives

money talks 

but our voices 

are worth more!

Now the kids are the leaders

and the leaders are the kids

and the kids are doing more 

than the leaders ever did

From Ferguson to Flint

Florida to Connecticut

the kids weren’t invited

they were dragged in

and when progress isn't made

the youth get involved

get engaged

That’s when you know things are gonna change 

and one of these days

they’re gonna change

Even if our youth has to lead this parade

start the next progressive wave

Can you blame someone for wanting to remake a world that fails them

by those who are supposed to protect them

who instead neglect them

tell us we’re all in this together 

but then show us 

it's everyone for themselves

scapegoat every mass shooting on mental health

but not every bad person is insane

some are angry

some just hate

Some apples are just bad

that's like me saying that every villain

is a Republican

While some of that is true

some come in shades of blue

Absolutes are never comfortable in a free country 

because they can’t get past the irony

Of an open mind… 

embracing arbitrary words 

in these open times

where everybody dies

you have trouble hearing the truth 

because you worship your own lies

or you twisted the meaning to mean 

all we need are good guys… 

to fight back against the element of surprise

Guns kill

that's what they do

we can talk about the people who use them 

but you can't ignore the bloody truth

We could never get this far

this low

this wounded

without you

When we decided long ago

to accept these instruments of death

that didn’t mean we had to make them easy to get

to infect

to spread

Weapons of war don’t belong under our beds

they shouldn’t be a prescription for the walking dead

Nor a reason for representatives 

to cash in and forget the reasons they’ve been sent

They’ve spent their terms voting against us

it’s time we returned the favor 

give walking papers 

to every single one

One day

the smoke is gonna clear

but it won’t be from a gun.

My 31 favorite horror movies (10-31-17)

Before Halloween and October are over, I want to share my 31 favorite horror films with you. Luckily, I’ve been able to watch many of these the past few weeks.

My All Time horror movie list:

1. The Exorcist (1973): To me this is the ultimate horror film. It has the ultimate “bad guy”, the story builds and builds and culminates in one of the best third acts in horror history. The acting was brilliant all around, the movie was chilling throughout and truly scared you. Scared is a feeling, it’s felt. Too many horror flicks think horror is gore, visual tricks and sudden shocks. A slow burn scare is the ultimate scare. Sometimes losing all control is scarier than death. Speaking of losing control, my mom saw The Exorcist in the theater while she was pregnant with me. She didn’t make it the end because she was constantly throwing up watching the film. Can’t argue with that.

2. The Shining (1980): Talk about a creepy feeling movie. Again, the acting is fantastic and Nicholson is at his creepy best. Watching his slow mental breakdown is powerful. The story is fascinating and why wouldn’t be- it’s based on a Stephen King book of the same name. When I finally had the chance to see this in a theater with surround sound, holy crap, the film became even scarier. From Kubrick’s vivid colors to the scariest little sounds and score to Jack’s creepy descent into madness. This is quintessential horror.

3. Halloween (1978): The original slasher film. This John Carpenter classic set the tone for the genre for the next generation of films. It’s iconic villain; Michael Myers, is father to all the Jason’s, Freddie’s and everyone who came later. Halloween has influenced hundreds of horror movies since and we know why

4. Night of the Living Dead (1968): This is one of the greatest horror movies of all time but not just for the horror. Yeah the zombies were wonderful but what really made this incredible was the struggle not just with the undead but the living as well. Issues of race were as important as survival and that realism sets this George Romero classic in a class by itself. They're coming to get you Barbara!

5. Carrie (1976): Could this film have been cast any better? From Carrie to her mom to a young John Travolta to all the mean girls, the cast and acting were good. The story was unique and new, yet another Stephen King adaptation. The story is fascinating because quite frankly, in the end we are kind of rooting for the “bad guy”.

6. the Evil Dead (1981): while the sequels are legendary for other reasons, this low budget first offering from Sam Raimi was unique and creepy as hell, not to mention gory and graphic in ways we hadn’t seen before. I’m not necessarily a fan of gory and graphic, you can’t ignore the first films to do it. The Evil Dead made the most of a small budget providing some big scares.

7. Rosemary's Baby (1968): A frightening cult plot and wonderfully acted by all involved, this is another story that builds and builds. How deep does the rabbit hole go? When people are so nice they are creepy, perhaps they’re in a cult with a plot against you, lol.

8. Psycho (1960): I was on the fence as to whether I’d call Psycho a horror film or a psychological thriller, it’s influence on horror films cannot be denied and that’s why I’m including it here. Anthony Perkins was perfect as Bates and Hitchcock goes in a slightly different direction but scores big with this classic.

9. Poltergeist (1982): When the horror comes home. In Poltergeist, it’s not an old haunted house, a mansion, a castle or some historic locale. It’s a brand new home in a brand new housing community… that just happened to be built on an old Native American burial ground. Another well acted film, who can forget little Carol-Anne? Poltergeist reminds us that we should know about the history of the area we buy our home in.

10. Amityville Horror (1979): Speaking of haunted houses and Native American burial grounds! This movie is aided by the fact that several gruesome murders really did take place in the house. The debate on whether the home is haunted has raged on for decades and this movie helped to keep the debate going. Much like in the Shining, watching the slow burn psychological breakdown happen is riveting. What’s the breaking point? Can they find their way back? Just how powerful can a haunted house be? I don’t know if the stories outside of the murders are true but I wouldn’t walk within 50 feet of that house!

11. Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974): The first film to really explore the gore and brutality elements of horror. Leatherface is iconic and pretty damn scary but another important aspect in horror is location. What’s scarier than running out of gas in a rural location in Texas, or in many underdeveloped places in the south?

12. Dawn of The Dead (1978): Another Romero classic full of zombies and social commentary. I find this film to be an early blueprint for The Walking Dead

13. The Fog (1980): Beware the Fog! A tale of revenge and reckoning, the Fog scores with an overall creepy feeling that basically lasts the entire film. As with any John Carpenter film, the score is great and the tone is perfect. I find this to be an underrated and mostly forgotten film but I find a great deal of scares when the horror comes in everyday things, natural phenomenon. It’s just a fog bank, right?

14. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984): What’s crueler than a homicidal maniac? One that taunts you as he kills you. Wes Craven took the slasher genre one step further than Myers and Jason with Freddie Krueger. Freddie has one liners but was still scary. If you aren’t safe in your dreams, where are you safe?

15. Trick r Treat (2007): A collection of scary stories separate but connected. This collection picks up where Creepshow and Tales From The Darkside left off and made a better film.

16. The Omen (1976): What would you do if you were somehow the parents of the anti-christ? But he’s just a little boy! While not on the level of some the greatest horror films, this creepy movie boasts one of the most unlikely villains: a little kid.

17. The Babadook (2014): One of the few recent films I’ve included. This film reminds us that horror and fear take place in the mind. This movie crosses the line from psychological thriller to psychological horror.

18. Prince of Darkness (1987): Another John Carpenter entry and another underrated film. Again we have the ultimate battle between good and evil except evil comes and good, or God, is nowhere to be found. How do we stop it? What chance would we have? Plus we get a cast full of actors who appeared in previous Carpenter films.

19. Scream (1996): It was both parody and paid homage to the genre. A slickly written film expertly directed by Craven, Scream might not have generated any from the viewer but it might have made you jump a few times and the twists, turns and subtleties made this a movie that did it’s homework and charted some new ground. A fun horror film but thankfully they knew not to make it too silly or comedic.

20. The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (1920): A legendary offering that influenced the horror genre greatly. This film knows that the key to horror is playing with your mind. It featured the first ever “twist” ending and visually must have been a thrill ride to see nearly 100 years ago in a theater.

21. It (1990): A Stephen King adaptation about a very old killer clown that targets and kills kids. That in itself is pretty damn creepy. The way Pennywise torments and terrorizes the kids is both frightening and cruel. It makes for a pretty damn good horror film even if it’s a bit long. The cast is a who’s who of 70s/80s actors but Tim Curry slays as Pennywise.  

22. Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter (1984): great characters and development, something often lacking in slasher films. It's not about how many, how fast and how gruesome we can make the kills. It's about how meaningful they are. We’re given just enough about them that we aren’t automatically rooting for Jason here. A young Crispin Glover and even younger Corey Feldman. One survived, one didn’t.

23. The Birds (1963): Part of what makes zombie movies terrifying is the fact that we have no control. If the dead turned to zombies, there isn’t much we could do but try to survive for as long as we could. There’d be too many of them. This is true in The Birds. How can you fight and defeat ALL the birds? Can you imagine people coming out of the theater after seeing this in 1963-64 and immediately seeing a flock of birds? They might feel a little nervous. That’s a good horror movie.

24. Friday the 13th (1980): yes, I have a sequel slightly above the original. First off, Jason isn’t really in this film but his mom does an admirable job of dispatching teens in his wake. This film was important for 2 reasons, 1- introducing the long standing franchise and 2- it might have been one of the first films where the viewer might have been rooting for the slasher/killer. In Halloween, you root for Jamie Lee Curtis, but in this film where the teens are not exactly depicted as upstanding kids, you might be inclined to feel like they deserved it except unlike in Carrie, where the title character takes revenge for those who wronged her, Mrs. Voorhees and subsequently Jason take revenge on kids who probably had nothing to do with his death.

25. Child's Play (1988): Dolls can be creepy. This movie made them creepier. The soul of a mass murderer lives on in a child's doll. 

26. Christine (1983): Yet another John Carpenter directed film on my list. It’s also another Stephen King adaptation. In this case it’s not a house or even a person possessed by an evil spirit; it’s a car. A classic car no doubt. I find this film to be minimalist and creepy. Keith Gordon is great in the title role and you go from rooting for the car at times to finally realizing that it has to be stopped.

27. Phantasm (1979): Beware the Tall Man! This cult classic is scary and a bit uneven but it’s raw and creative. It lives in its own world. Imagine a frightening funeral director who’s very ambitious about his business. The creep factor is raised with the accessories and help he uses to achieve his ends. The tall man alone makes the film memorable.

28. The Blair Witch Project (1999): The origin of found footage films. This low budget creeper is good because it is low budget and while the shaky camera work annoyed some, I found it to be realistic and it added to the fear. This might have been higher on the list if I better understood what was going on for most of it, but that doesn’t make it that less scary.

29. Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982): How many more days til Halloween, Halloween, Halloween? An unusual and underrated entry on this list for sure. People who hate this film usually do so because it has nothing to do with Michael Myers and the first 2 movies. Initially, that's why I didn't like it either but on its own, it’s a pretty scary story. Can you imagine Halloween masks killing kids and anyone who wears them? Plus tell me you didn’t hear the Silver Shamrock jingle when you saw this was on my list.

30. Saw (2004): While I can’t stand the Saw franchise, you can’t argue with the original. It’s more twisted, gory and sick than I’d prefer my horror to be but it was creative and unique. As horrifying psychologically as it is visually.

31. The Prophecy (1995): Since it’s my list, I’m gonna end this with one of my favorites. This is a story about a centuries old war between angels and demons. Humans are the wild card in this war and fight is on. Christopher Walken is quite entertaining as the angel of death; Gabriel. Viggo Mortensen is so creepy as Lucifer.

Special mention: While not "horror films", these films are Halloween musts and classics nevertheless.

-Hocus Pocus (1993): While not the scariest film, it's a Halloween staple and loads of fun. The Sanderson sisters return after 300 years to eat children and stay young forever. While completely evil, Bette Midler, Kathy Najimy and Sarah Jessica Parker are entertaining and charming running amok on a modern day Halloween!

-Nightmare Before Christmas (1993): In the town of Halloween you'll find every spooky thing you can think of... and Oogie Boogie! While Nightmare is more of a Halloween themed Xmas film, you can't go wrong throwing it on in October, or any other time for that matter. It's a collection of charming characters, creative storytelling and fun fun fun!

Honorable Mention (just missed): The Strangers, Paranormal Activity, Sleepy Hollow, A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, Nosferatu, the Ring (Ringu), The Grudge, Wes Craven’s New Nightmare

With my list I went for what I consider to be true horror films. I intentionally left off some films with horror elements but might be considered other genres. For example, I consider The Thing and Alien(s) sci-fi thrillers, Army of Darkness a dark comedy, Jaws, Silence of the Lambs and Don’t Look Now psychological thrillers

What’s your favorite scary movie?