I’d put off my Covid booster shot 4 times. I didn’t have a good reason any of the times I changed it. 3 of them, it was only because I didn’t feel like making the walk around the corner and across the street to the pharmacy. Seems silly. But I know to be on my feet for more than a minute or two will cause my back to starting locking up. It hurts like hell and it deteriorates quickly. Within 2 minutes of the pain and locking starting, it gets excruciating. If I clench my teeth and deal with that pain, then my legs start to weaken. First I feel it in my hamstrings. This is the warning to find something to lean on or a place to sit quickly. If I attempt to tough it out and keep moving, my walking speed is reduced to almost a crawl. I get more hunched over. Within another minute or two my legs get weak enough where my balance becomes dreadful. Falling is now an option. It’s an awful feeling to have one or both your legs give out and you fall to the floor or ground. It’s even worse to have this happen in front of other eyes. I feel utterly pathetic if this occurs. Thankfully it’s only ever happened twice. Once is all I really ever needed. I learned from that. I’m a Leo. I’m a Puerto Rican male. I used to be a pretty good athlete. I’m prideful... probably a lot more than I need to be right now. Until my back is better, I have to be smarter.
Somewhere on the way to smarter, I got fearful. I also got tired of the pain. Do I really want to feel excruciating pain today? So maybe today’s booster appointment gets moved to tomorrow instead. Maybe tomorrow’s gets moved to next week. The first appointment was actually a few weeks ago. I keep moving it. I check the schedule, it’s not like anyone is really signing up to get time slots. Every time I move, I see I was one of the only people they had that day anyway. That helps with the guilt. I’m not taking anything from anyone. Even the pharmacy, they are there anyway doing other things, so as long as I’m not changing times with 30 minutes notice, there’s no guilt. But there is.
I feel guilty about myself. I should have done this 2 weeks ago. I actually tried to get a booster a month or so ago before I was eligible and was turned away. That sucked so much. To have scheduled a time and walked there to be turned away empty-handed. Somehow that made the pain worse. This time I knew I was eligible. This time I’m gonna walk around the corner, then across the street and do this.
When I get to the pharmacy at the back of the store, I’m laboring. I need to sit badly. There’s 3 people already in the 4 seats available. Because the one empty seat is pinched in between them I instead go to the blood pressure check machine and sit on that bench. I checked in and submitted everything online in advance so all I had to do was tell them I was here. I begin to catch my breath as quietly as I can. I’m in so much temporary pain but I’m doing my best to conceal it because I do not want to draw any attention to myself. Unfortunately, I am breathing a little heavy and there is some sweat on my brow. In 5 minutes I’ll feel okay again but in front of other people and their eyes, that 5 minutes feels like 50.
I didn’t look at them, but I could feel that everyone was staring at this large, huffing and puffing guy who probably looked like he could barely move. I tried to quiet down and be still as quickly as I could. After 2 minutes, I was feeling better but was still not quite back to normal yet. Two of the three people waiting to be called for their boosters began talking. The woman said, “That comes from leakage, like when the veins leak a little bit of blood.” They were looking at my legs, my lower right leg especially where my inner calf/ankle area has a bit of a reddish tint from yes, venal insufficiency. I need to be on my feet more. I have circulation problems. Hearing these strangers discuss them has now made me even more self conscious if that were possible. At this point I am wishing I was somewhere else and I feel so lousy. “Did you walk here?” the woman asked. I responded that I did and feeling the follow up question about to arrive I mentioned that I just lived across the street. She responded; “You don’t look like you can walk that far.” I nodded. Kill me now. Must end this now. Thinking... “Well, I made it here and that’s the hard part” I replied with a smirk. “Are you sure?” The lady persists. “We can give you a ride if you want”. I couldn’t think of any other time I’ve been more embarrassed. These folks wanted to give me a ride across the street. “I appreciate that. Thank you, but I’ll be okay”. It was like I said that on autopilot, because internally my emotions were spinning like final spin in the washer. I would have given all the money I had in my pocket just to be back home.
I took a deep breath and then something happened. I got out of my head. This is something I’ve been working on of late, to try to see things from a perspective other than my own. A lot of times I drown in my own emotions. But these folks weren’t trying to embarrass me, make fun of me, even judge me, even if that’s how I felt. They were legitimately concerned and wanted to help. This softened my vibe and eased my mind. The guy noticed my Spaceballs the t-shirt shirt and said that was one of his favorite movies. The woman coughed a hearty smoker’s cough and then the pharmacist called the guy in. As he walked past me a massive cigarette smell hit my nose. That usually repulses and irritates me, but today I didn’t mind.
He was in and out in a minute. They called the other man who was waiting quietly this whole time. Just a few minutes ago this felt like one of the worst experiences of recent times and now it felt like a good experience, learning experience. A few minutes pass and the couple is ready to leave. They stand up and I felt like I owed them more than I had given them. I looked over at them at said, “Thank you again for your kindness, I hope both of you have a great rest of your day.” They responded in kind and added “Take care of yourself”. I smiled. “I’m trying” I replied. Yes, I am trying.
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