Sore hands

 

I type a lot at work. Every time I handle an account I have to notate it. Often there's a lot of notes so I'm literally typing all day. By many afternoons my fingers, hands and arms below the elbow get tired, sore and I can’t wait to stop typing. Now those of you who have seen my blog posts, views on life or straight up rants may find that hard to believe. I know I'm more epic poem than haiku guy. But the funny thing is, I'll be finishing up those last few hours at work and my hands hurt and I am just so sick of typing. Then I clock out. Then shortly later that evening I suddenly find myself writing/typing a lot more on my own time of my own accord and wouldn’t you know, my hands feel fine. I'm sitting at the same desk I work on, in the same chair. So how do I explain this?

 

Lately I feel like my body is reacting to my subconscious or maybe increasingly less subconscious disgust of work. I'm sick of typing for the man... well, except for this one. When it's my shit, my time, my thoughts and ideas, it would seem my desire and ability to type is evergreen. When it's for someone else, with their arbitrary rules and their bullshit terminology, typing their words, contrived phrases and inauthentic crap, suddenly I start getting tired and cramping up real easy. Funny how that works. Maybe that's what a brat I am. Or should I say rebel. My hands have been doing someone else's work most of my adult life and I am increasingly over it. I want to write, to create, or "notate" the way I want to. Unfortunately, "my way" doesn't pay the rent. It doesn't put food in my belly or provide security. At least not til this point it hasn't. I’ve thought about this a lot and all I want to do with the rest of my life is learn, create, ponder, laugh, sing, enjoy and show love. I hope to get there someday and hopefully not when I'm too broken down or too dead to devote all my energy to it. I honestly think this is what my hands are telling me. They're saying enough surviving, let's start living! Time to smell the coffee, enjoy the fruits… if only it were that easy. This life tends to hide the coffee and limit the fruits but for now, I will try to do these things the best I can with the time I have, but damn if only my fingers didn't belong to someone else 40 hours a week. I'd take them back if I could... well, except maybe one of them.