Can I just be flawed?

 Eddie's essays:

"Can I just be flawed?"

We live in a world of numbers. In some cases these numbers are more important than our lives. Imagine that, a living, breathing human being cast aside, or neglected, or even left to die because of numbers. And let’s keep in mind that numbers are an idea that we actually invented. Don’t get me wrong, it was a good idea. Units of measurement make things easier no doubt, but then like with most things we invent, we use them against each other as well… civilized things used in an uncivilized way. What numbers are important to you? Maybe the number that corresponds with your rent, or your pay. Maybe the number that equals your age or make up your date of birth are especially meaningful. Perhaps the numbers you use when you buy a lottery ticket because you have a larger number in mind. We dream of those numbers and they become important because the other numbers in our lives don’t always add up. Numbers on their own have no flaws, but people do.

 

When used by people and at their best, numbers help us celebrate, they provide joy and maybe a little pride when we figure things out. At their worst they are used against us… to show us our flaws. It is when they are used in this way that I begin to dislike numbers. Nowhere do I despise numbers more than in the workplace. There… poor, innocent, neutral little numbers are taken and used to lie to us. They are used to make us feel unworthy. They can be used to convince someone who by most accounts is doing well, that they are lacking and then manipulate them into feeling like they need to do even more. In the business world numbers create large amounts of stress.

 

At my job I wear a lot of hats under the same umbrella. Its customer service but I need to be well versed in billing, enrollment, eligibility, authorizations, claims, benefits, plans, deductibles, coordination of benefits, appeals, you name it. I work with people who generally have lower incomes so I can relate to some of our members. I’ve been on the medical plans they have. I’ve been with the company 4 and a half years and I am pretty good at what I do. There are 3 levels of competency for my job and I am at the highest level. I am a level 3 advocate. But there are always more numbers. Because it is customer care you know the M-word will rear its’ head… metrics. We have detailed metrics by which we are measured. At other companies I’ve worked for there were rankings so you could see how you scored against your colleagues. It helped to create a butcher shop atmosphere.

 

I remember at Spectrum there was like 150 of us and if you ranked in the top 15 or whatever your name would appear on a list that whole day for all to see. It made things less like a team and much more cutthroat and an out for yourself environment. The company treated us like cattle. I quit that company despite the free cable and internet because they treated people so poorly and only cared about the numbers which made our quality of life suffer. At my current place, there isn’t much like that. I meet with my supervisor once a month and we go over my stats from the month before. There’s something like 12 or so categories and there’s only 3 overall grades: exceeding expectations, meeting expectations and below expectations. Seems pretty simple. Almost every month my rating is exceeding. I don’t say this to brag, but to give context for what I am going to tell you next.

 

Of the 12 categories, there is only one I might have trouble with. This category has nothing to do with how well I may handle calls, member satisfaction, following company rules, finding solutions, etc. My issue is sometimes I take too long after calls; we call it wrap up time. I admit this. I do take longer than others. Often my wrap up times are a little higher than average, not egregiously so, but enough to notice. And notice they have. In the past few months a new focus has come from management for us to be more efficient across the board, a word that always makes me uncomfortable in business because efficiency is cold and less human. It makes life less about life and more about numbers.  

 

Lately, it’s chipping away at my morale. Yesterday I got yet another email about how my wrap times have improved but we still need to see more improvement. And the way it was worded, I just know that someone up above told my supervisor this so now they are telling me but I gotta tell ya, when I saw that email today all I could make out was: “I’m gonna have to go ahead and make sure you get another copy of that memo about your TPS reports, okay thanks”. For a few months now, I’ve been getting an email about it about every 2 weeks. It is the only thing I do not do well by company standards.

 

I do almost everything asked of me and I’ve done so many extra things, volunteered and worked on projects, extra trainings, helped train newbies, helped other departments, written helpful guides for my peers on my own time, focus groups, etc. Can I just be a little flawed? Can I be imperfect? Maybe instead of 100, I get a 98. Can that be good enough? It’s like coming home with a report card with 11 As and one C minus and then coming down on the kid for the one low grade. We’re always told to use positive language on calls with members and even when we talk to each other in team chats. No negativity is wanted or really allowed. I wish the company would heed its’ own advice when talking to us because we are not just a number.

 

Not every employee is the same because not every person is the same. Some are highly organized and find information or solutions quickly and need little to no hold time. Others are super friendly and often have longer talk times because they have nice conversations with the members. People have different strengths and weaknesses and sometimes with metrics, to be excellent in one category can often lead to a hit in another. In my experience, when it comes to dealing with people, no one is perfect. But I’ll take someone who is very good and who cares and is still trying every day of the week. 

 

My “weakness” in this setting/role is that I’m a natural introvert who is very sensitive. I’m also an empath so sometimes these conversations take a lot from me. Recharging in a snap or a blink isn’t possible. Throughout the day, I may need a minute here and there to take a few deep breaths, reflect, compose myself, remind myself it isn’t personal or just get a few sips of water to ease my throat and voice. And to probably no one’s surprise I often write thorough and extensive notes on accounts. I hate when a member calls back and the person who had them before me left crappy notes to the point where I have to start over. It sucks for me, and the member may be cranky about repeating themselves. And of course, sometimes you need a moment after a nasty person eviscerates you for no good reason. There’s a guy on my team, a funny give no f-s guy who has worked in customer service forever who said in our team chat yesterday; “I don’t mind one bit if someone screams at me or goes berserk. I just think to myself I am getting paid to listen to you make a fool of yourself and act like a maniac and ruin your own day.” It’s a great attitude to have in customer service but it isn’t that easy for everyone. When someone tears into me, I immediately feel very fight or flighty because I loathe loud aggressive people and confrontations. My first instinct is to feel attacked. I always think, what gives you the right to speak to me this way? It’s a fair and just question, but in customer service, we just accept that people can act like this all the time and we have to take it and deal with it. I don’t think its right nor that we should take it, but I don’t get to make that decision. I’m just a guy trying to get through the day and make enough money to live.

 

I think when the chips are down. When things aren’t going your way and there’s tension and stress, it reveals a lot about us. When things are going poorly and you take it out on other people, I feel like you are a garbage human and deserve your misfortune. I tip my cap to those who can separate their feelings and their thoughts and not just let their feelings run roughshod over anyone that is in the way. Some might call that emotional intelligence. Others may call it basic adulting. What I find is that sometimes numbers bring out the worst in people.

 

Next week I will find out if my metrics were amazing again for January. I know the results of a few categories already and those came out excellent. Do I get an email about those every 2 weeks? Nope. I generally only hear from above if I’m not perfect. And my company is a laid back one. I’ve seen and heard of horror stories from other companies. I realize I could be in an even worse situation.

 

I’m flawed because the numbers say so but I am not going to push myself extra extra hard to the point of mental exhaustion and breakdown to fix one minor, not so important metric. I’m much more aware of maintaining some level of self care than I was when I was younger and besides, what would I get if I did shoot for perfection? If I always give “110 percent”? There’s no bonus to be perfect. There’s no boost in pay. There’s only more stress from an already stressful environment and maybe the only benefit is less emails focused on the one thing that I am not doing well. Can I just be a little flawed? You pricks are lucky to have someone like me who cares, takes pride in what I do and constantly works to learn, improve and maintain professional standards. Is it okay if I am very good instead of great? Can I be imperfect? Can I be a person instead of a number?

 

I wish business was like art. I think about the greatest artists who ever lived. Almost every one had a major known flaw. Sometimes many. A lot of times, the flaw helped them be great, get by or they made them unique. Often one person’s flaw is another person’s perfection. Well… maybe I should stop before I go off on a tangent. Or have I already? You see, rambling is one of my flaws, although I don’t agree, lol. How many words are too many? I wonder what the numbers say.