The Super Bowl Party Rules!
First things first. You must get into the mindset that Super
Bowl Sunday is a National Holiday. IT IS! These days, many companies allow
employees to come in late the next day, or even take the day off, especially in
the cities represented in the game. All across America, when someone stumbles in
an hour late that next day, bosses tend to be a little more lenient, especially
if they are football fans themselves. Super Sunday is a big deal and should be
treated as such! Once you accept this realization, these rules and guidelines
will not only make sense to you but they will be easy to follow as well. And
if you refuse to acknowledge the power of the pigskin… well I wouldn’t want you
at my party.
Now the rules and what you need to know:
-On attire: It is advised but not mandatory that you try to
wear something football related whether it’s a t-shirt, hat, jersey, scarf,
gloves, face paint or the ever popular zubaz pants. Bonus points to you if you
can find more than one accessory! But wait, your favorite team isn't playing in the game... it doesn’t matter! If your team
isn't playing in the game, you should represent for them regardless. Its okay
to wear a Bills jersey, a Browns hat or a Jaguars ringer tee… this is as close
to the big game as these teams get! Remember, we're all FOOTBALL fans no matter who we root for and we cannot lose sight of that on an important day like this. Show your team love and as is the case with
other holidays, dressing up makes the day better! Can you imagine not wearing a
costume on Halloween? A hideous sweater on Christmas? You would probably dress
up for weddings, funerals and formal events and this is no less important!
-On what to bring: You are not actually required to bring
anything to consume, provided you've received an invitation, but if you plan to
consume large quantities of food and/or drinks, you should be courteous
to the other guests and provide things for them to enjoy. This also means no
"markup consuming", that is bringing a discount product of small
quantity only to consume tons of someone else's high quality goods. Example:
Bringing a 40 ounce bottle of Olde English malt liquor and then consuming a
6-pack of Guinness. You know in your hearts of hearts it’s not right and there
should be honor among football fans. In addition, you cannot ask to take the unused
portion of what you brought with you when you leave. It’s simply not polite. At
the end of the party, if the host wants to get rid of some of the food/junk,
you should take that opportunity to volunteer and be a “nice person”, otherwise
consider ownership of your goods transferred to the host once you walk in the
door.
-On Substances: Every party guest acknowledges when they
enter the party, it's like signing an invisible waiver stating that they will
have no knowledge of any “alleged” legal or illegal consumption of alcoholic,
psychoactive or hallucinogenic items during their stay. What people do to
enhance the game or their mood is up to them. As long as none of the party
rules are broken, everything is fine.
-On the party’s location: Be respectful of the host’s place.
No recreating any plays from the game, tackling, throwing of objects like a
football, showing off your “moves” or any other locker room inspired antics. If you need to dance, make sure you can do it in your space. If
you need to recreate any action from the game, you must go out to the yard or
the nearest available park. After all, the Super Bowl is played on a spacious
turf, not in a living room. Treat the place as if it were your own. That
also means offering to help with cleanup after the game. Surely you can grab a
few dishes and put them in the sink/dishwasher. Think about why you didn’t
host… because you didn’t want to have to deal with everything the host is
dealing with! SO show compassion for those who have the courage to do what you
are afraid to and pitch in. If you do, you’ll be sure to get an invite the
following year, if not for the Big Dance, NHL playoffs or any future sporting
event worthy of another party.
-On America:
Everyone must stand, remove their hats and show respect for America during the National Anthem...
even as the flavor of the month "recording artist" or old fossil
"vocalist" butchers it.
-On the less fortunate: There are always some people at the
Super Bowl party with little to no knowledge of football. Just know I and most knowledgeable
attendees are more than happy to help answer any questions or explain any parts
of the game that some may not be able to understand or follow but please
withhold any appropriate questions until an appropriate time, like a bad commercial, a time out or a break in the action. However, I and even the most helpful of football
fans will not answer any questions having to address any player’s martial
status, butt or dreamy eyes.
Which leads me to...
-On the game chatter: Absolutely no dialogue can occur
during the action other than reactions, instructions and exclamations to said action. This is
especially true of the immediate perimeter around the television. Consider it a
no-fly zone for irrelevant dialogue. Any parties not fully invested in the game
may conduct conversations, face to face or phone to phone, especially the
non-football kind in the kitchen or nearest bedroom. If it is to be an angry or
loud non-game related conversation, it must be conducted at least 100 yards
from any television at the Super Bowl party.
-On the expensive commercials: All commercials will be
judged immediately with a quick and simple review ("well, that was just
stupid") that must be given before the following commercial has ended...
because that one must be judged as well!
-On potential human obstacles: Anyone standing in front of
the television for any duration longer than .5 seconds should be pelted with all
the food available to be thrown at that time. If they still have not complied
then it will be time to introduce them to the sauces, dips and condiments at
the party.
-On the halftime show: Since the halftime show features an
old musical act that is no longer relevant, the previous rules of dialogue can
be ignored and guests can and should talk freely. This would be a wonderful
time to load up on food for the second half, get to the restroom and for those
with less serious questions to ask them. Keep in mind, if a guest gets up and
goes into a room leaving something behind on their seat, the seat should still
be considered occupied and for all intents and purposes they are still sitting
there and should not lose their place. This is their reward for arriving either
early or on time. If the seat is left uncovered or as it was at the beginning
of the party, the rules of “finders’ keepers” will apply and in the case of a
tie, a friendly arm-wrestling match, coin flip or staring contest shall be used
to settle the dispute. In every case, the host may bypass the need for a
contest and simply award the seat to whomever they feel deserving of it.
-On children at the party: No kids are allowed primarily due
to the saucy language expressed throughout the game by the serious football
fans, drunk people or both. Kids also have a hard time following many of the
rules laid out in this big game planner and the only “time outs” at a Super
Bowl party happen in the game. Find a sitter.
-On Food: Keep it simple- no tofu, high brow or vegan stuffs
unless your entire guest list is comprised of vegans. Let’s be honest though,
if have 15 vegans coming over for something, it certainly isn't going to be to
watch a football game. In addition, guests should not bring anything incredibly messy
that cannot be contained safely on a paper plate. This goes back to the
previous rule about respecting the host’s place. The carpet is not a forum for
your abstract modern lasagna art.
-On Party etiquette: Despite the fact you are probably
eating like a pig from a trough, dressed loosely and comfortably and around many
of your friends there are some manners you should attempt to employ at the
party for the greater good:
Double dipping: This should not have to be explained. Think
of the famous Seinfeld episode: “That’s like putting your whole mouth right in
the dip. Look, from now on, when you take a chip… just take one dip and end it!”
The Passage of gas (burping and farting): Unless your party
consists exclusively of very large men with no regard for such things there
will be no “sharing” allowed in this manner. Farters should be treated like
smokers and sent outside to conduct their dirty business. Belchers do not have
to go to the same lengths but should attempt to muffle and certainly should not
blow or direct the burp at any other attendees. In the case of an accidental
release where a muffle or some type of control is not an option, an apology
must be presented immediately and the offender will be placed on immediate
party probation, meaning that any further violations will result in the guest
losing their seat and having to watch the rest of the game from the outer
perimeter of the party. If the offender is already on the outer party
perimeter, they should be reminded that they are very close to the door. When
dealing with repeat offenders with no regard for human life, they should either
be removed from the party altogether or placed securely in a tight closet where
they alone will have to endure their insolence.
Lastly: Under no circumstances is anyone other than the host
allowed to change the channel, and even the host MUST have a legitimate reason
(i.e. an emergency) for doing so.
So that's it! These are the rules for the big game. If you and your guests follow these simple rules there is no
reason why your Super Bowl party won’t be a smashing success!
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