I haven’t blogged in forever it seems and this was mostly due to my blog project where I wrote 70-something of them in 70-something days back in the fall. I was blogged out. That was quite an exposure of my thoughts. I guess I felt the need to pull back a bit and stop talking/sharing. Plus I said a lot of things during that time and while I have no doubt I could write a blog everyday or every other day if I had to, I don’t always want to. I had run out of things to say so to speak.
Well now I am back and I plan to blog semi-regularly again. I need to do it because I hate being quiet when there’s a perceived injustice out there and more than that when I go through rough times the best way for me to purge my system of negative thoughts and emotions is to let them out. Blogging has become a necessary release for me and unlike keeping a simple journal, posting my thoughts, opinions and ideas online gives me the occasional chance to get feedback on them, which is sometimes very helpful although admittedly I do have to watch my words as well.
During this week there’s been something gnawing away at me. Actually I think it started last week but I’m really feeling it this week. I don’t know if I just have a nasty case of the winter blues but I am really hating my life lately. I’m terribly bored and I feel like I need some sparks to get to the fires burning inside of me again. That’s part of the reason why I’m writing. I’m trying to be proactive. I’m trying to create some sparks.
Maybe this happens every winter but right now I’m sick and tired of everything. I’m certainly sick of the weather but it’s more than that. I’m sick of the same old food. I’m sick of the same old job. I’m sick of talking to the people at work. I’m sick of my same old clothes. I’m sick of the same old empty apartment. Yeah, that’s the one. I’m very lonely. It’s not a surprise being that I haven’t had a really serious relationship in about 8 years and it’s also not a surprise considering I am an INFJ personality.
“INFJs also need to be wary of becoming overly absorbed in their moods and emotions, tempering their romantic ideals and fantasies with committed action in the outside world. Though self-concern and self-analysis have their place, if comprising the sole focus, INFJs can start to feel isolated, lonely, and disconnected from the sources of meaning and vitality outside themselves.”
I’m trying not to get completely absorbed in my emotions but its difficult because that’s all there is. I go out once or twice a week with friends and I have a good time but those other times I just fixate on my feelings of isolation and loneliness. I think about what I have and then I think about what I don’t. I want to be around people and I don’t want to be around people. I want to do new things and I want to do nothing. It’s frustrating. When I get like this it’s always an external source that pulls me out of my internal lockdown. Sometimes that external source is completely unaware they’ve helped me shake the doldrums. Even I don’t always know when that catalyst pulls me out. Sometimes I find myself in a great mood again and I reflect and think oh, this must have been it.
The point is I need something new. Preferably it would be a lady I could go gaga for, but it could also mean a new hobby, a new friend or perhaps even a drastic change. The loneliness is a bit overwhelming. I mean, I have some cool friends and I always have a good time when we hang out but I want someone who is involved in my life almost daily. You know, someone to exchange emails and calls with on days when we can’t see each other. I want someone to talk about life with, to have dinner with, to laugh with and share everything with. I get little tastes of it with a few of my friends and all it does is make me want it more. I really want to date someone seriously again and I want that person to be my best friend, if not my closest.
It’s the same old same old. I want someone extraordinary and either I can’t find her or if I do she doesn’t want me and then those who do want me don’t interest me because they aren’t what I believe to be extraordinary. I’m always dreaming, always reaching for the brightest star and I can’t do it any other way. My depth of love and caring and giving is deeper than most. I feel like I can give someone tons and all I want is someone who can give to me what I can give to them. I feel like it can be impossible at times like this. So anyway, that would be a change that would turn everything around. I would be able to entertain my daily routine with a smile again or lay the groundwork for a new routine also with a smile.
I love Buffalo. It is my home. Maybe I’m biased but I feel like it is so much more beautiful and vibrant than people think but I’m actually thinking about what life could be like somewhere else. I’ve been banging my head into a wall trying to find some important things for a few decades now and I begin to wonder… will I ever find those things here? Maybe I should try looking for those things somewhere else before it’s too late. I don’t have the same baggage tying me down like I did 5 years ago when my mom and sister were absolutely dependent on me. I’m not one who has talked about leaving before and I’m not one to make a spontaneous move of that magnitude but I’m walking around these days singing “Is That All There Is” to myself and I’m wondering if it’s more than a song.
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