about mental illness

 

I think about mental illness a lot. I'm sure this happens because of my own battles with anxiety and depression but I think about other people's battles often. I wish I could understand. I wish I could help. When I was younger, I used to feel profound sadness wanting to help so many but being unable to. It's part of the reason I began to perform poetry. I wrote poetry for myself but I performed it, yes to challenge myself and make me uncomfortable, but there was always this wish that something I wrote would connect with someone else... help them know they weren't alone. So I wrote for me but I performed for us… or at least I hoped to. As I've gotten older, I don't feel the profound sadness I used to feel about not being able to save or help everyone. I learned to accept that in most cases I am doing the best I can do and that is enough. I learned that I have to do better at taking care of myself. Do I have it all figured out? Of course not, but in some ways I get along a lot better than I used to.

 

But I do think about folks struggling out there, beyond my control, and wonder how their stories are similar or different. I’m quite curious at how the mind works or doesn’t work. It’s hard to have honest conversations, especially on social media these days because certain words are not allowed. I’ve always believed confrontation leads to understanding even though I can’t stand confrontations. I think it’s because these days the word confrontation can often conjure images of yelling, fighting or conflict as we are so testy nowadays but a confrontation doesn’t have to be aggressive or violent. To me, it just means being honest. But how can we be honest if we aren’t allowed to say certain things? I do not agree with censoring words related to mental illness. I feel like if we are not allowed to be honest, how can we reach understanding?

 

The other day I thought a bit about the guy who lit himself up outside the Trump trial. I wanted to learn a little about him. In his past he was a Bernie supporter, a democrat, worked on campaigns, did some organizing and seemed to me like someone who was trying to do good things and help. How did he end up how he did? I forget the site, but a newspaper local to where he lived did a piece on him and it turned out when his mother died a few years back he lost his way and there were several instances of mental health problems. You just wish someone like that could have gotten the help they needed.

 

It’s so tough though. A lot of times people with mental health issues keep things to themselves. Or they either don’t want help or to burden others. Or maybe they try to get help but lose motivation if they run into obstacles like insurance, or not being to find a provider, or having to wait 3 months to get in somewhere, etc. Health care in this country is so complicated and cruel and there’s no part moreso than mental health care. I can attest to this through my own experience and through the struggles I see people go through via work. Sometimes it’s so hard for the person to try to ask for help and then to get rebuffed so easily over something so stupid… sadly they might not ask again.

 

Tomorrow a book comes out written by former Miss USA Cheslie Kryst. It’s called; “By The Time You Read This”. She basically wrote the manuscript of her book and then ended things shortly after. Her last wish was for her mom to find a way to put out her book and she did both as a way to celebrate her daughter but also to help others. Ms. Kryst seemed to have it all on the surface. She was Miss USA, had a regular television gig, graduated college with honors, was a lawyer, activist, model and more. But behind all the successes was insecurity and a relentless high functioning depression that left her quietly suffering until the end. She had so many gifts but sadly, she was also saddled with mental illness. I wish she could have gotten the help she needed.

 

Are some people beyond help? I suppose so but I can’t say for sure however I’m tired of hearing of poor souls who had little to nothing done for them before they were lost. Nothing breaks my heart more than people who affect others in wonderful ways but are suffering inside. I feel like there’s more mental health issues out there than ever in so many shapes, sizes and colors. I wish we could try to get ahead of it instead of being so far behind it all. These are hard times. Please take care of yourselves and if possible, each other.       

The promise of the night

 

I’m a night person. I always have been. If I had my druthers I’d stay up til dawn pretty much every night. At night my mind seems to come most alive. I love the quiet. I love that the world around me slows down, shuts the fuck up and I can enjoy the silence. I used to go for walks late at night just to enjoy the ghost town feeling. Of course, those walks couldn’t drift towards any bars but I‘d walk all the way up or down side streets. Once upon a time I used to walk down Ashland. I used to walk up and down Chapin Parkway and Lincoln Parkway when I lived next to them. I could get lost in my mind, without distraction, without restriction. What I’d sacrifice in color and vision in the darkness, I’d substitute in peace and imagination and that could be quite enlightening. The night has its own dark beauty. Most times music sounds better at night. Movies are more fun at night. Books really come alive at night.

 

"What a nice night for an evening."  - Steven Wright

 

Did you ever notice night falls and the day rises? I fell for the night all right. From a young age I’ve embraced it and I admit I’ve had a chip on my shoulder my whole life because the night is a promise that we never got to keep. When I was a kid, I always had to go to sleep early because it was a “school night”. When I finally got through almost 20 years of school I took a few years and enjoyed the night thoroughly but before too long I had to grow up despite my stubbornness and then what used to be school nights became “work nights”… always an excuse to get to bed at a “reasonable hour”.

 

But you still get weekends, don’t cha? What happens if you stay up all night on the weekend and then you get to Sunday night? Your sleep schedule gets all messed up. Weekends are a lie in that way. A tease. We work our whole lives til we get old and used up. Then we can stay up as late as we want but you and I both know old people are not night owls. The pants get pulled up higher, it takes longer to get up them stairs and we are so tired. Naps are no longer negotiable.

 

"I often think that the night is more alive and more richly colored than the day."  - Vincent Van Gogh

 

These days I work a shift from 10am to 630pm Monday thru Friday. I wake up at 9:30 each morning since I work from home and even though all I have to do is get up, pee and then move into the other room and turn on all my work equipment and apps, I often barely make it on time. Many “work nights” I am up til 2 or 3am. I can’t help myself. My mind is going and I can’t possibly stop it so some days are a bit harder than others. All I want is to stay up all night and do whatever the muse tells me to do. And if the muse is off that night, then the angel and devil on my shoulder can chime in or my inner child can get me moving. Maybe the dreamer can dream and the curious cat can dig. I want to learn things, love things, create things and enjoy things… and I want to do it all night long. Is that too much to ask for in this life? Cheers to all you night people out there.

 

"Life begins at night."  - Charlaine Harris

Sore hands

 

I type a lot at work. Every time I handle an account I have to notate it. Often there's a lot of notes so I'm literally typing all day. By many afternoons my fingers, hands and arms below the elbow get tired, sore and I can’t wait to stop typing. Now those of you who have seen my blog posts, views on life or straight up rants may find that hard to believe. I know I'm more epic poem than haiku guy. But the funny thing is, I'll be finishing up those last few hours at work and my hands hurt and I am just so sick of typing. Then I clock out. Then shortly later that evening I suddenly find myself writing/typing a lot more on my own time of my own accord and wouldn’t you know, my hands feel fine. I'm sitting at the same desk I work on, in the same chair. So how do I explain this?

 

Lately I feel like my body is reacting to my subconscious or maybe increasingly less subconscious disgust of work. I'm sick of typing for the man... well, except for this one. When it's my shit, my time, my thoughts and ideas, it would seem my desire and ability to type is evergreen. When it's for someone else, with their arbitrary rules and their bullshit terminology, typing their words, contrived phrases and inauthentic crap, suddenly I start getting tired and cramping up real easy. Funny how that works. Maybe that's what a brat I am. Or should I say rebel. My hands have been doing someone else's work most of my adult life and I am increasingly over it. I want to write, to create, or "notate" the way I want to. Unfortunately, "my way" doesn't pay the rent. It doesn't put food in my belly or provide security. At least not til this point it hasn't. I’ve thought about this a lot and all I want to do with the rest of my life is learn, create, ponder, laugh, sing, enjoy and show love. I hope to get there someday and hopefully not when I'm too broken down or too dead to devote all my energy to it. I honestly think this is what my hands are telling me. They're saying enough surviving, let's start living! Time to smell the coffee, enjoy the fruits… if only it were that easy. This life tends to hide the coffee and limit the fruits but for now, I will try to do these things the best I can with the time I have, but damn if only my fingers didn't belong to someone else 40 hours a week. I'd take them back if I could... well, except maybe one of them. 

Piss and trash aka why I stay inside

 
 

I live in an apartment building in Ken-Ton. It’s a small apartment building. There’s only 5 apartments and because it’s an apartment building, the cost of rent is among the better you’ll find anywhere in the area. If you’ve been a friend of mine for a while, you’ll remember I’ve had some bad apartment experiences after I was priced out of the Elmwood Village in the fall of 2016. I tried living in an apartment building in a nice spot on Hertel and that was a disaster. I then moved into Kenmore with mixed results. My current apartment while old and dated in some ways has been mainly quiet and peaceful, which is nearly all I wanted. But… it’s still an apartment building and because of that you deal with and see things you probably won’t see even 50 yards down the street where people’s homes are. Mostly because if a strange car were to park in front of a homeowner’s home out here there will likely be eyes on them and a who is f- is this vibe. I think this is true of a lot of suburbs. Kenmore ain’t exactly Clarence or one of the most affluent burbs but the sentiment is similar. I’m not judging folks here but I’ve seen it with my own eyes several times over the years. If a strange car parks in front of someone’s home there’s a vibe. Who is this? Why are they here? The nuttiest ones will take pictures of them or post online if they think someone is suspicious. The neighbors generally know the other neighbors and are familiar with their vehicles. My point is, the type of stuff I’ve seen the last 2 afternoons aren’t as likely to happen 50 yards down the street.

 

Not only do I live in a small apartment building, it is an apartment complex. There are several other identical two story buildings spaced out up and around the block. Behind all the buildings are parking lots. In front is street parking. During the winter the town enforces an overnight parking ban so this time of year, people tend to utilize the parking lots as opposed to spring and summertime where some will park on the street because getting in and out of the building might be easier using the front door rather than going down and through the basement to use the back door to the parking lot. You’ll see a lot of similar type apartment complexes on Delaware Avenue and more on Elmwood, Kenmore, Sheridan and Colvin. Basically all of the major streets and bus routes have them. I’m sure the homeowners near them don’t like them because they are the closest thing to low cost housing the burbs has and people with homes and cars and maybe a little bit of money are taught to fear those with less or none of those things because of a belief they will try to steal what they have, or because they think they will bring a bad element to the neighborhood. I’ve been seeing it all my life. Plus I know at least some of these complexes will take people who are getting their rents paid by government programs. I think of the 5 apartments in my building, only 3 of us work full time, perhaps even just 2. Now when it comes to people who are retired, or on disability or are just poor, it’s just like anyone else. Some people are decent folks, others are jerks. I don’t think that matters whether you are living in a building of budget apartments or luxury condos. But perception is everything.

 

Strange people are always parking right in front my building who don’t live here, have any business with anyone who lives here or in one of the nearby buildings. A chunk of them are people who are visiting or sometimes working at the retirement home across the street who has it’s own parking lot but perhaps there’s a reason why not everyone uses it. Another chunk of people who park in front of my building are people who are doing so for a very short time. I’ve looked out my window and seen folks reading, eating, texting, talking on the phone, napping, smoking and more. It’s a popular pull over spot and it’s not in front of the home of someone specific, plus my street is a quiet street right off of Elmwood, so maybe it’s convenient for those reasons. Yesterday, a car pulled up and parked right in front of my building. With my desk right at my front window I have eyes on the street in front of me and I admit sometimes I get sucked into the whole “who’s that” game when I have nothing better to do. I didn’t recognize the car so I played the fun game: “retirement home, visitor, delivery or something else”. This is the game where I have to determine, as quickly as I can, what their purpose for stopping was. I saw it was a man in the car, alone. I decided he was a “something else” as I felt he was gonna just stop, maybe to check his phone or make a call. I was partially right and it was something else but this was to eat. I could see him start to dig into a sandwich or sub of some kind. And now with far less mystery to entertain, I got back to what I was doing.   

 

About ten minutes later my eyes noticed movement and I looked outside and saw the man had got out of the car and was now standing just outside the passenger door on the curb. He was finishing the last bite of his sandwich and then casually just dropped both the wax paper it was wrapped in and bag the sub came in on the ground. I immediately got annoyed. You’re just gonna drop your garbage on the ground? People litter all the time and it’s a fact of life but it’s still infuriating when it’s done right in front of you and right in front of where you live. Within 30 seconds he got back into the car and like that, he was gone. All that was left of him was balled up wax paper and a Jim’s Steakout sub bag. Buy local!

 

For the next few hours I glanced out my window every now and again and saw the garbage on the grass out in front. I was having internal conversations about going out there and grabbing the trash but part of me was screaming at me; “don’t you dare clean up after that asshole”. Perhaps that’s why the world is in the shape it’s in, because we are too prideful and stubborn to lend a hand. It’s almost like if I saw the man drop the stuff and thought it was an accident, I’d be much happier to go there and clean up after him rather than watching a jerk discard their trash in such a cavalier way with an attitude like, it’s not my problem now. For the record, I had things to do inside for a bit and got caught up in that but then as evening began, I looked outside for the trash to see if it was still there and it was not. Either someone else cleaned it or mother nature relocated it. As the night went on I kept thinking about it and thinking about other ways in which people are selfish and do not consider the feelings of others or what their actions can do. Butterfly effect much?

 

I woke up today and I had forgotten about it. I slept in and took a seat at my desk to get caught up on the day. I must have missed so much, I mean, I hadn’t been logged in for nearly 11 hours! Sarcasm notwithstanding, it was around the same time in the afternoon as the littering yesterday when a strange car pulled up in front of my building again. It was time once again to play the game of “retirement home, visitor, delivery or something else”. I saw it was a man alone in the car. He began fiddling with something in his passenger seat almost immediately so I guessed, must be delivery. I was wrong. He just sat in the car for several minutes and I got wrapped up into something for a few so I lost track and interest. About 15 minutes later I noticed him standing alongside the passenger side door of the car, just like where the guy was yesterday only he wasn’t eating anything, he was just diddling with his phone. I thought, well at least he isn’t littering. And then like he had heard me and had a twisted sense of humor he reaches down and he took it out. Yes he took it out and started peeing while continuing to play with his phone. At least that’s what he was playing with. He was multitasking as an act of subterfuge. For me it was a double eww. The first eww was having this guy just flick his dong out and pee so casually in front of my window and building. The second eww was the thought of how easy it was for him to get in and out so he was absolutely working commando today. Double eww. I wanted to knock on my window to try to startle him because guys really love it when they get startled while trying to pee somewhere they should not. I thought maybe I could startle him and he’d flinch and pee on himself. That would be hilarious and just but time was precious. While I was overthinking options he finished up and flicked it back in just like that and pulled out a cigarette. So now you are gonna pee on the grass and then drop a cigarette butt on it too. What a dirtbag. I then snapped the picture you see here on this post. The resolution is not good enough to out anyone but I wanted to illustrate what my view looked like.

 

So now I’m left wondering. Will someone tomorrow afternoon drop a deuce on the grass next to their car? After today’s lovely act, I pulled down the blinds and thought maybe they should just be left down, lol. All of this shameless behavior made me remember why I prefer to stay inside mostly. There far less piss and trash in here. 

Can I just be flawed?

 Eddie's essays:

"Can I just be flawed?"

We live in a world of numbers. In some cases these numbers are more important than our lives. Imagine that, a living, breathing human being cast aside, or neglected, or even left to die because of numbers. And let’s keep in mind that numbers are an idea that we actually invented. Don’t get me wrong, it was a good idea. Units of measurement make things easier no doubt, but then like with most things we invent, we use them against each other as well… civilized things used in an uncivilized way. What numbers are important to you? Maybe the number that corresponds with your rent, or your pay. Maybe the number that equals your age or make up your date of birth are especially meaningful. Perhaps the numbers you use when you buy a lottery ticket because you have a larger number in mind. We dream of those numbers and they become important because the other numbers in our lives don’t always add up. Numbers on their own have no flaws, but people do.

 

When used by people and at their best, numbers help us celebrate, they provide joy and maybe a little pride when we figure things out. At their worst they are used against us… to show us our flaws. It is when they are used in this way that I begin to dislike numbers. Nowhere do I despise numbers more than in the workplace. There… poor, innocent, neutral little numbers are taken and used to lie to us. They are used to make us feel unworthy. They can be used to convince someone who by most accounts is doing well, that they are lacking and then manipulate them into feeling like they need to do even more. In the business world numbers create large amounts of stress.

 

At my job I wear a lot of hats under the same umbrella. Its customer service but I need to be well versed in billing, enrollment, eligibility, authorizations, claims, benefits, plans, deductibles, coordination of benefits, appeals, you name it. I work with people who generally have lower incomes so I can relate to some of our members. I’ve been on the medical plans they have. I’ve been with the company 4 and a half years and I am pretty good at what I do. There are 3 levels of competency for my job and I am at the highest level. I am a level 3 advocate. But there are always more numbers. Because it is customer care you know the M-word will rear its’ head… metrics. We have detailed metrics by which we are measured. At other companies I’ve worked for there were rankings so you could see how you scored against your colleagues. It helped to create a butcher shop atmosphere.

 

I remember at Spectrum there was like 150 of us and if you ranked in the top 15 or whatever your name would appear on a list that whole day for all to see. It made things less like a team and much more cutthroat and an out for yourself environment. The company treated us like cattle. I quit that company despite the free cable and internet because they treated people so poorly and only cared about the numbers which made our quality of life suffer. At my current place, there isn’t much like that. I meet with my supervisor once a month and we go over my stats from the month before. There’s something like 12 or so categories and there’s only 3 overall grades: exceeding expectations, meeting expectations and below expectations. Seems pretty simple. Almost every month my rating is exceeding. I don’t say this to brag, but to give context for what I am going to tell you next.

 

Of the 12 categories, there is only one I might have trouble with. This category has nothing to do with how well I may handle calls, member satisfaction, following company rules, finding solutions, etc. My issue is sometimes I take too long after calls; we call it wrap up time. I admit this. I do take longer than others. Often my wrap up times are a little higher than average, not egregiously so, but enough to notice. And notice they have. In the past few months a new focus has come from management for us to be more efficient across the board, a word that always makes me uncomfortable in business because efficiency is cold and less human. It makes life less about life and more about numbers.  

 

Lately, it’s chipping away at my morale. Yesterday I got yet another email about how my wrap times have improved but we still need to see more improvement. And the way it was worded, I just know that someone up above told my supervisor this so now they are telling me but I gotta tell ya, when I saw that email today all I could make out was: “I’m gonna have to go ahead and make sure you get another copy of that memo about your TPS reports, okay thanks”. For a few months now, I’ve been getting an email about it about every 2 weeks. It is the only thing I do not do well by company standards.

 

I do almost everything asked of me and I’ve done so many extra things, volunteered and worked on projects, extra trainings, helped train newbies, helped other departments, written helpful guides for my peers on my own time, focus groups, etc. Can I just be a little flawed? Can I be imperfect? Maybe instead of 100, I get a 98. Can that be good enough? It’s like coming home with a report card with 11 As and one C minus and then coming down on the kid for the one low grade. We’re always told to use positive language on calls with members and even when we talk to each other in team chats. No negativity is wanted or really allowed. I wish the company would heed its’ own advice when talking to us because we are not just a number.

 

Not every employee is the same because not every person is the same. Some are highly organized and find information or solutions quickly and need little to no hold time. Others are super friendly and often have longer talk times because they have nice conversations with the members. People have different strengths and weaknesses and sometimes with metrics, to be excellent in one category can often lead to a hit in another. In my experience, when it comes to dealing with people, no one is perfect. But I’ll take someone who is very good and who cares and is still trying every day of the week. 

 

My “weakness” in this setting/role is that I’m a natural introvert who is very sensitive. I’m also an empath so sometimes these conversations take a lot from me. Recharging in a snap or a blink isn’t possible. Throughout the day, I may need a minute here and there to take a few deep breaths, reflect, compose myself, remind myself it isn’t personal or just get a few sips of water to ease my throat and voice. And to probably no one’s surprise I often write thorough and extensive notes on accounts. I hate when a member calls back and the person who had them before me left crappy notes to the point where I have to start over. It sucks for me, and the member may be cranky about repeating themselves. And of course, sometimes you need a moment after a nasty person eviscerates you for no good reason. There’s a guy on my team, a funny give no f-s guy who has worked in customer service forever who said in our team chat yesterday; “I don’t mind one bit if someone screams at me or goes berserk. I just think to myself I am getting paid to listen to you make a fool of yourself and act like a maniac and ruin your own day.” It’s a great attitude to have in customer service but it isn’t that easy for everyone. When someone tears into me, I immediately feel very fight or flighty because I loathe loud aggressive people and confrontations. My first instinct is to feel attacked. I always think, what gives you the right to speak to me this way? It’s a fair and just question, but in customer service, we just accept that people can act like this all the time and we have to take it and deal with it. I don’t think its right nor that we should take it, but I don’t get to make that decision. I’m just a guy trying to get through the day and make enough money to live.

 

I think when the chips are down. When things aren’t going your way and there’s tension and stress, it reveals a lot about us. When things are going poorly and you take it out on other people, I feel like you are a garbage human and deserve your misfortune. I tip my cap to those who can separate their feelings and their thoughts and not just let their feelings run roughshod over anyone that is in the way. Some might call that emotional intelligence. Others may call it basic adulting. What I find is that sometimes numbers bring out the worst in people.

 

Next week I will find out if my metrics were amazing again for January. I know the results of a few categories already and those came out excellent. Do I get an email about those every 2 weeks? Nope. I generally only hear from above if I’m not perfect. And my company is a laid back one. I’ve seen and heard of horror stories from other companies. I realize I could be in an even worse situation.

 

I’m flawed because the numbers say so but I am not going to push myself extra extra hard to the point of mental exhaustion and breakdown to fix one minor, not so important metric. I’m much more aware of maintaining some level of self care than I was when I was younger and besides, what would I get if I did shoot for perfection? If I always give “110 percent”? There’s no bonus to be perfect. There’s no boost in pay. There’s only more stress from an already stressful environment and maybe the only benefit is less emails focused on the one thing that I am not doing well. Can I just be a little flawed? You pricks are lucky to have someone like me who cares, takes pride in what I do and constantly works to learn, improve and maintain professional standards. Is it okay if I am very good instead of great? Can I be imperfect? Can I be a person instead of a number?

 

I wish business was like art. I think about the greatest artists who ever lived. Almost every one had a major known flaw. Sometimes many. A lot of times, the flaw helped them be great, get by or they made them unique. Often one person’s flaw is another person’s perfection. Well… maybe I should stop before I go off on a tangent. Or have I already? You see, rambling is one of my flaws, although I don’t agree, lol. How many words are too many? I wonder what the numbers say.

 

When Prince no longer ruled the world…

 

 

Back when I did college radio 25 years ago on any of my solo shows, it was mandatory to play at least 1 Prince song a show. He was and will forever be my favorite musician of all time. That stretch during the 80s was to me, the best stretch any musician ever had. He put it all together. There were huge hits, big sales, there was art, there was style, there was attitude, there was musicianship, there was blowing our minds and being ahead of the times. He was somehow pop, rock, funk and alternative all at once. He was cutting edge. Then at some point, he no longer was. It actually came suddenly in some ways. While the infinite talent remained, the influence waned. The hits dried up a bit and then completely. He lost something. He was no longer setting the trends or ahead of his time, he began to do what nearly everyone did and tried to keep up with them. And while the music was still very good at times, it ceased being mind-blowing and great. While it’s not the worst problem to have, to fall from being great to being very good, this is Prince we’re talking about. When did it happen? How long did it take? Why did it happen? These are things I’ve been thinking about for over a decade now and while I don’t claim to have the answers, I've listened to the music over and over and researched this is best as I can and I will tell you what I think.

 

I find it so fascinating that someone could string together 5 brilliant records in a row and then fall off a bit. How does one get to those heights, let alone stay there for 5 years and 5 albums? Then how does one lose it? I remember watching Michael Jordan during the “flu game” where he hit 9 three-pointers in one playoff game back when nobody did that and especially not Jordan, who was never a great long-distance shooter. He famously shrugged his shoulders because he couldn’t explain it. He was in the zone. But this was just one night. 2 hours of the highest high. Prince did it for 5 years! To me, I can’t think of another artist who had a better 5 album run than 1999 through Sign O The Times. Every record had hits, each one was critically acclaimed and on album of the year lists. Nobody sounded like him. He was larger than life, mysterious and the coolest of the cool.  

 

But then what happened? Did he get old? Did he run out of interesting things to say? Did casual fans just move on? Pop culture seemed to leave him behind. It all seemed impossible. His story was so extraordinary. Indulge me as we go all the way back to the beginning… his first 2 records were good and promising, but basic in many ways. It was soul and r&b with some funky elements. The talent was evident but he wasn’t challenging us a lot, more like he was proving he belonged. After all, he was a kid writing, performing and producing his own records. For his 3^rd record; Dirty Mind, he began to push buttons and challenge ideas. These were the first signs of the greatness to come. Songs like Head and Sister started conversations and asked questions. Others like Partyup and Uptown got people dancing. There was more funk and rock elements mixed in. He was finding his groove. He leveled up.

 

The 4^th record continued the journey. It had Controversy, bangers, ballads and was criminally underrated. He was ahead of his time. People weren’t quite ready yet. But his fascinating blend of creative music was slowly but surely breaking through. And while I consider his first 2 records as good and the 3^rd as very good, this record was bordering on excellent.

 

Then the 5^th record, 1999 began the string of genius level albums. There was pop for the radio, funk for the dance floor, sex for the bedroom and some artsy stuff for your brain to marinate on. This was the Prince method. On his best records he fused rock, funk, pop, soul, blues and alternative music in a way that challenged us. It was for your ears, your mind, your soul and your funky ass. His creativity blew minds and he became the superstar. Speaking of which, he went all in for the superstar vibe with the next record, the legendary Purple Rain, an album that removed any doubt that 1999 was a fluke. At the same time, he had the #1 movie and #1 record in the land, in fact, it was the #1 record for 24 straight weeks during one of the greatest years ever in music. But he wasn’t done. He pulled back the pop star and went down a different, more artistic path with Around The World in a Day and Parade and then it culminated with the 5^th genius level album in a row, Sign O The Times. Most artists would kill for 1 record of that level and magnitude. He had FIVE in a row. So what happened next? This is when he began the descent after the climb to the heavens. His stay at the peak was lengthy but the drop was inevitable. I mean, where else could you go after witnessing the highest highs and seeing the dawn?

 

Celebrity is a motherfucker. It’ll cause you to think certain things, overthink others, and believe silly things. Where it seemed Prince lived in his own world with musicians at his beck and call and the ability to write and record songs even while on tour, the outside world finally crept in. I think this is what ruined his peak momentum.

 

Prior to Sign O The Times, Prince was going in different directions. First it was the end of the Revolution. These were people the notoriously untrusting Prince trusted. He did keep a few of them in the fold but the highly influential Wendy and Lisa were gone. Then the next album Dream Factory became a 3-record release called Crystal Ball and elements of a planned “Camille” record were infused into that. All of it eventually became Sign O The Times but never had we heard of Prince scrapping whole records and projects. Perhaps there was some restlessness, a sign of his times, a sign of things to come. Maybe all of this was a need for a big change. Something was going on with Prince. Heavy is the head that wears the crown.

 

The change began with most of the Revolution being let go and then putting out “Sign” but it wasn’t enough. The next record was going to be The Black Album, a funk bible meant to remind black audiences of who Prince was, as some folks had been whispering that his sound had gotten too weird or even too white over the last few records. Why Prince chose to listen to those whispers, we’ll never know. The Black Album was going to kick people in the teeth. It even had rap on it, while also poking fun at it. To many it was a bad sign in that Prince was letting the noise from outside influence his output. It was also the beginning of Prince becoming more reliant on incorporating fads or contemporary sounds into his music. Until then he was kinda telling us what was what. The quirky pop superstar was gonna to have to be put on hold. The artist who was searching for something found it. The Black Album was gonna silence some nonsensical critics… but at what cost?

 

We got to hear the Black Album 7 years later when Warner released it. It was fun in parts. Half the songs were reminiscent of Housequake, It’s Gonna Be a Beautiful Night and the funkiest parts of “Sign” but the rap stuff was awful. Dead on It and Bob George while maybe meant to be funny, were lame. It was beneath Prince. He was trying too hard and doing too much. But the biggest problem with the Black Album was that there were no hits on it at all. Maybe that was by design as this record seemed to exist to send a message rather than be a classic. To me, the message was the end of his great run and while not terrible, it was possibly the worst record of his career to this point.

 

Not long before The Black Album was to come out, Prince had some kind of spiritual epiphany. Some say it was due to bad drug trip on ecstasy and a deep conversation with Ingrid Chavez provoked it, but no one knows for sure. Blue Tuesday is what some called it. Just days before release, Prince was suddenly convinced The Black Album was evil. Even though some early promos had gone out and a few hundred thousand copies were pressed prior to the record’s release, the album was pulled and most of the copies were destroyed. Prince then spent almost 2 months and created another record; Lovesexy. Lovesexy was very different than The Black Album. If that album was the devil or “Spooky Electric” as he called it, then Lovesexy was the light. It was God. Lovesexy was infused with this new spirituality and positivity complete with a gorgeous shot of a naked Prince on the cover. It was like he was reborn. But why did he need to be? Lovesexy was generally well received, it even salvaged one track from the Black Album; I Wish You Heaven. However, Lovesexy didn’t do as well on the charts and in sales as the previous few records had done. It just wasn’t as accessible. This was the beginning of the drop from the highest highs. I would not call this a genius record by any means although there was still some excellent songs on it. I’d grade it two steps down from genius level, past excellent and back down to very good. Radio and the charts reflected this as only the catchy Alphabet Street was a hit. The rest of the album was full of messages of spirituality and seemed more narrow minded in vision and sounds than the glorious buffet that Sign O The Times was. Young people don’t want an overly weird and spiritual offering and maybe that’s why this didn’t connect. It was the end of Prince being an innovator and cutting edge in terms of the music media and powers that be. He was no longer ahead of the trends, he was now chasing them like pretty much everyone else.

 

For his next release, it became time to go back to the movies again as Prince made his next project the Batman soundtrack. Director Tim Burton wanted a few Prince songs for the film but ended up with a Prince record. And while the silly but fun lead track Batdance became the biggest hit, there was some great ones on the record like Trust, Partyman and Scandalous. As a whole, it was another very good effort and was a bigger hit than Lovesexy. It wasn’t as great as that legendary 5-record run, but this was a soundtrack and it was for someone else’s movie, so slack should be cut.

 

Next was Graffiti Bridge and Prince’s last film. This one is hard for me. I’ve had to come to grips with the fact that it is not a very good film but I’ve always wanted it to be because of Prince and the cast of characters, many of which I admire as musicians more than actors. 20 years ago I would have told you it was a good film but as the years go on, it’s harder and harder to pretend. The soundtrack has some wonderful moments but once again as a whole it’s probably very good at best. I know it keeps sounding like very good is a bad thing but in the context of the genius level work Prince did from 82-87, it is a distinct drop. That said, it’s still better than most artists out there. The bar is very high with Prince.

 

Perhaps because he had a new band, The New Power Generation, Prince sounded rejuvenated on his next few releases; Diamonds and Pearls and the Love Symbol record. I’d rate them both as excellent or close to it… that is, better than the 2 recent soundtracks and Lovesexy but not as amazing as Sign O the Times. They weren’t as full of sounds and as creative as his peak records. The good news was he embraced pop music again to some extent and it paid dividends as both records had hits. To me, the reason why these 2 records don’t compare with 1999 thru Sign is because it’s not groundbreaking. There are samples, raps, dance sounds and a few cliché elements consistent with what was popular at the time, which again was not something Prince needed to add to his records at his peak. There were moments of brilliance but then other more cookie cutter moments where it sounded like he was trying to keep up with the times. To me, those inconsistencies hurt the records, just a little.

 

From here things began to get especially messy as Prince dug his heels in for the fight against Warner Brothers owning his music. He began writing the word “slave” on his cheek. He changed his name to the love symbol and began to be known as the artist formerly known as Prince. The output here was mixed as releases came out just to appease the record label as an uncooperative Prince edged closer to the end of his contract. “Come” was nothing memorable, neither was “Chaos and Disorder”. Warner finally released the Black Album but 7 years later and it felt dated as by the mid 90s we were in the midst of grunge and gangsta rap. This kind of 80s fun was no longer allowed. The only real noteworthy release was 1995’s The Gold Experience. There were some Prince classics on there; Pussy Control, Shhh, I Hate U and Prince’s last top 10 hit; The Most Beautiful Girl In The World, which was actually released a year earlier on the Beautiful Experience EP. At the time I loved everything Prince did but if you had asked me if Gold Experience was as good as 1999 or Sign, even then, at the peaks of my fandom, I honestly would have said no.

 

When Prince finally got free of Warner Brothers and his “Emancipation” record was announced, I had never been so excited for a record. The first chance I was able to get to Media Play I bought it. When I heard it was a 3-disc set, I couldn’t believe it. The first single dropped and it was a cover of the Stylistics “Betcha By Golly Wow”. Prince doing covers? There were actually 4 in there. I listened to that record for months. I had some favorite songs on it and told everyone it was great. I think I believed that then. Looking back on it, I admit I might have overreacted to it. It was a good to very good release but I surely got swallowed up in the novelty of it. Prince was free. He was doing covers and had no restrictions from the record label. But to this day, there are no real classic songs from this album. Sure, there are several I remember and love but a casual fan would have no memory of this record at all and that makes me sad. It’s not his best work but it may have been one of the happiest times in his life. That said, the record wasn’t that great. Back then I couldn’t see it. I was so drunk on the purple kool-aid and would never say anything but positives about my favorite artist. To me, Prince could do no wrong. Over the years, it dawned on me that he didn’t do everything right and it’s okay. There are pretty much no perfect albums, certainly no perfect careers. With far more hits than misses, and most of the hits being all time classics, please keep in mind that this isn’t negative. This isn’t complaining or betraying my youth. This isn’t talking shit. I just want to try to figure out how someone becomes one of the coolest, baddest muthafuckas of all time and then isn’t as cool. I’ve pinpointed the time; 1988ish… now what’s the reason?

 

Did he get old? Absolutely not. He turned 30 in 1988 and was far from a has been. We’ve seen many legends get old and provide diminishing returns. It’s natural and happens to everyone. While I’d say this was more of a factor in perhaps the 2000s, I can say in 1988, age wasn’t the issue.

 

Did he run out of things to say?  I can’t say this was the main reason, although one could argue he ran out of cool, clever, artsy things to say once the Revolution was dissolved. I could buy that. Mountains, Raspberry Beret, Dorothy Parker, Starfish and Coffee… those songs aren’t happening after 1988 and we were worse for it. After Sign O The Times Prince pretty much turned in his Bohemian card in order to focus on other things.

 

Did he lose the balance? Ever notice a lot of Prince songs are often about sexuality, spirituality or both? Prince referred to Lovesexy as a gospel album. On Sign he’d balance The Cross with Hot Thing. On Lovesexy the scales tipped harder towards spirituality and that made it harder to connect with young audiences. During his peak years he’d drop many metaphors where the listener is wondering if he is talking about something erotic or something godly, or both? There was this playful ambiguity about sex and god without forcing any beliefs or organized religion on the listener. This wasn’t always the case later in his career. So yeah, I do think he lost the balance a little starting with the Lovesexy record.

 

Did the times pass him by? Sure. It happens to all who stay around long enough. The audience that drives pop culture has always been young and while Prince was royalty to Generation X, to Gen Y he was respected but not as adored. He wasn’t exactly corny but was seen more as a weird artist rather than the epitome of cool and there’s a fine line between weird and cool. The step back from what was considered stylish and at the forefront of pop culture happened to all the greats of those times: Bowie, Michael Jackson, Springsteen, Stevie Wonder, Madonna, Lionel Richie. Most would say he had 5-6 years at the tip top. I would argue “his time” lasted almost 40 years. Even though the charts no longer loved him and he was no longer “hip”, he was always Prince. There will never be anyone like him again.

 

That last paragraph makes me think of another artist I love, Billy Joel and how he got out close to his prime and just stopped making records. You gotta respect that.

 

Conclusion: It was a combination of factors that stopped Prince’s rule of the world. But it’s my opinion that it was something that began in 87/88. What he did after Sign O The Times may have saved his soul… but it also hurt his career. Considering all that Prince had and did, I’m surely nit-picking, overthinking, asking a question that maybe doesn’t need to be answered but it’s something that I’ve wondered about for a long time as a curious superfan of a curious superstar. You can decide for yourself. One thing I think we can all agree on is the greatness of the man and if I could get a message to him, I would tell him: Thank U 4 a funky time.

 

What do you think? Do you think Prince lost something after Sign O The Times? Do you have any theories about why his pop culture influence and chart domination waned? Was it anything he did or do you think it was fickle external forces? I’d love to get your opinions.

Soul Stirring

 I woke up this morning a few minutes before the alarm like I often do. Even though I made the sound not terribly irritating, I still don't like to hear it... probably moreso due to what it means. My time is no longer my own. That first 5 minutes I'm awake I'm still in bed and my thoughts are racing. Sometimes I have to talk myself up to my feet as I just want to return to sleep. Today when I was in this state, I did not want to get up. Why should I? I was so comfortable. I just knew I could fall back asleep in less than 2 minutes. Maybe I have too much Peter Gibbons in me. It took a little more than the usual 5 minutes to collect myself and actually get up. I finally convinced myself to do it by reminding myself it was Friday. Just one more day to get through. You can do it. By this evening you'll be thrilled as it'll be the dawn of a 3-day weekend.

 

That whole Friday spiel finally did it but it was such a struggle to get up and get the day rolling. It made me wonder, if that barely worked how in the hell do I get up on Mondays? Or any other workday. My soul tries to tell me that life shouldn't be like this but how else could it be? I have no choice. Bills got to be paid, food has to be bought. Why does my soul feel this way? Have I been somewhere before? Who have I been? Where have I been? I tend to not believe in things like past lives, reincarnation and things like that but then where does this conflict come from? Why do I desire so much to be free? Well, at least I have a long weekend to think about it.