the Day After... (Hillary's nomination) 7-27-16

I couldn’t say I was surprised yesterday when Hillary was officially nominated by the Democrats for president, but what did catch me by surprise was my reaction to it. An overwhelming sense of despair and hopelessness set in. I wanted to cry. I was so down and dejected. I couldn’t believe how much I was hurting. All the anger at the corrupt system and all the emotion I’ve put into this campaign came home and hit me all at once. I succumbed to the demoralizing feeling of having your hope extinguished by fears, by cowardice, by what’s wrong about the world. I feel numb today. Maybe that’s what you’re supposed to feel when something you love, something you care about so much dies. You might think I’m overstating this but it feels like a piece of me died yesterday. The dream for 2016 certainly did.

And don’t get me wrong, the political revolution has not died. It will live on. It will continue to speak for the 99% and take on political corruption and elitism whenever possible. But it’s not the same. We were so close. We almost got there. That with the knowledge of the fact that the decks were stacked against us, that the establishment defended itself in such a way to unfairly prevent us from realizing our greatest hopes is where the anger comes from. If we lost a fair fight, I’d be disappointed but not angry. If the nation wasn’t ready for the dramatic reform that our revolution promised, I’d be disappointed but not bitter. But the fact is they cheated us out of our moment. The most evil and underhanded things often happen in the cover of darkness. They happen when people are distracted, when people aren’t looking or when people are misled. Trump is the ultimate distraction. The Democrats and their candidate have gotten away with things that might have gotten others impeached or put into jail in previous years. But there is no outrage right now, at least not from the majority of voters. Yes, the voters don’t like the nominee, yes they don’t trust her but when you put a truly flawed, even awful candidate against the anti-christ, you get what we have here today. It’s anybody’s ball game. You have wrong vs evil and there are no winners there.

Despite how I feel about this particular candidate, I think it’s wonderful that we have nominated what could be our first woman president. It’s long overdue. Other major countries did it decades ago. I understand that Hillary is looked at differently than male politicians. There’s no excuse for that. But that doesn’t give her a pass on her record… a record that leans to the middle, towards money and towards neoliberal policy. Despite all the happy rhetoric of late, nothing in her history convinces me that she will follow through on any of the progressive policies Bernie worked to add to the Democratic platform. I hope I’m wrong, but I have no faith or trust in someone who has a record of putting money before people and who follows instead of leads. We need much better than this. We almost had it.

I love Bernie. I love him and I thank him for everything he has done and continues to do on our behalf. God, this past year was like a whirlwind romance. It was SO refreshing to meet someone in the highest levels of politics who cared more about the people than their ego. It was liberating to meet someone who wasn’t on the take, who wasn’t interested in playing politician. He never pandered to get our votes. He wasn’t phony and that’s why we were attracted to him and his policies. All he offered was what he believed was right and we were attracted to that. It wasn’t about what he thought we wanted, or telling us what we wanted to hear. This was organic. He said what he has always said, the way he has always said it, and suddenly it was exactly what many of us wanted to hear. That’s real. I’ve always considered myself a liberal but he even pulled me a little bit farther to the left! The timing was right and as evidenced by the millions of people who crowded his every rally and campaign stop, the nation was ready. A nation of people who were cynical and let down by President Obama’s empty promise of hope in 2008 came back. New people, who saw an authentic reason to get involved did just that. Skeptics became believers. This type of thing doesn’t happen any more and Bernie changed the game. For that I will always be grateful and I will always hold a deep love and respect for the man, even when we disagree on things. Do I think he should have endorsed Hillary? No, but I understand why he did it and what he’s trying to do for us by doing so. He’s altered the democratic platform in a positive way and he’s a much bigger person than his opponents and his colleagues in Washington. 

That said, I’m not going to blame anyone for voting for Hillary. Donald Trump could bring about the end of the world and that is NOT an exaggeration. There’s a reason we don’t nominate the arrogant, know-it-all jerk who has all the answers in hindsight and acts childish towards anyone who disagrees with him for president. There’s a very good reason why we don’t nominate the school bully or the incoherent bigot for president. There’s an extremely good reason we don’t nominate crazy people for president. But guess what? This year we have all of those things rolled up in one Donald Trump! Its mind blowing that someone like this is a major party nominee for president. It’s even more inconceivable that he’s currently winning! If you feel like it’s necessary to vote for Clinton, I can’t blame you but I will not be joining you. I cannot and will not support everything that I find wrong with the political system because it’s going up against the ultimate evil. I wish more voters had the courage to come with us and make the change we so badly need by voting outside of the 2-party stranglehold on our democracy. If enough people were brave enough and cared enough to do it, we could have put both of these corrupt parties on their asses. But I can clearly see that will not be the case in this election. I do think someone still needs to have the balls to disobey and I will be happy to do it. For “fringe” parties to become relevant they need votes, not facebook likes. If we get enough votes for the Green party, they won’t have to struggle and fight to get on the ballots every election. The same goes for the Libertarians. We need more parties and voting is the only way to get there. If we want democracy WE HAVE TO MAKE IT HAPPEN. We can’t just talk about how we want things to be fair or to reflect the diversity of political views. We have to act on it. You know who is just talk? The Democrats and Republicans. Everything is talk until they’ve checked with their corporate masters to see what they should really do.

When you’re being oppressed, when’s the best time to make a stand? Is tomorrow good, maybe next week, next year? How about 4 years from now? I don’t know, how about right now? Why wait another second? If you think Trump is bad, wait until 4 years from now to see what monstrous candidate they bring up from the muck if Hillary wins. It’s getting worse and worse. We’ve gone from idiot W. Bush to the likes of incoherent, delusional Palin to an out of touch rich guy with little experience like Mitt Romney to an out of touch rich guy with a massive ego, brutal temperament and no experience in Trump. What’s next, someone who shoots fire out their eyes, but only at poor, marginalized people? If that's the case, then 4 years from now we won’t be able to stand up and fight for our democracy because we’ll have to stop that nut. This will only end WHEN WE MAKE IT END. 

Okay, now I’m going to take the gloves off. To all the people who want to vote for Hillary because of Trump, okay, I get it. Do what you feel you have to do. I’m not going to give you any shit. But to those who want to take it further and chastise me and the other Bernie or Bust folks, especially those of you who were Bernie supporters and progressives a few months ago, who do you think you are to judge me? You got off the bandwagon and want to curse at those still on it? To try to say I’m stupid, or ridiculous, or being a baby for standing up for what I believe in, how dare you! Fuck your condescension. You want judgment? I think those of you fucking "heroes" who were with us and who know better but now are “sacrificing” for the rest of us are cowards. I don’t want Trump to win, but if this election has shown me anything it’s that personal integrity and honor are worth everything. I’m not going to abandon mine for any reason. I can’t do that. I am nothing without integrity. If you can live with yourself setting yours aside, good luck but don’t condescend to me for believing that the political revolution was not a fad, a fun time or a fucking hashtag. It’s a fucking revolution and it needs people who are willing to be brave and fierce and I will do my best to be both. The future of our nation depends on it. 

Needless to say, I am kind of checking out of the presidential race now. I’ll monitor things but I don’t really care what Trump and Hillary say unless they say it to each other’s faces in a debate. That should be entertaining… a calculating, trained liar against an out of control liar. Should be fun TV! But just because I am checking out of the Hillary/Trump debacle, don’t believe for a second that I am taking a break from educating myself and empowering myself in the fight for economic, environmental, racial and social justice. It’s like in the Matrix. Once you’ve been unplugged and know the truth about the world around you, there is no going back and more than that you want to help everyone else you can who want to be unplugged do so.

“whenever the people are well-informed, they can be trusted with their own government; that, whenever things get so far wrong as to attract their notice, they may be relied on to set them right." –Thomas Jefferson

Wake up America!

An excerpt from my short story: “The Ghost of Past Orgasms” (4-22-16)

“I think where a lot of men get it wrong in the bedroom is the thought that there are only a few “fun spots” on the woman and that’s where they should maintain their energy. While there are definitely a few places where a concentration of energy should be applied, to focus ONLY on those places means missing out on a much greater experience, especially for her. I would suggest that the woman’s entire body can be and should be treated with sexual respect. Hands don’t have to stay on the “10 and 2” positions. This isn’t a machine! This is a living, breathing, beautiful individual who needs more than the bare minimum, even if that’s how you dressed for the event. I would recommend really getting a feel for the occasion by using those hands liberally and sensually. Explore! There’s no rush. It’s my experience that a hands-on approach is favored over empty oral theory. That’s not to say things should be quiet. Telling her what you are enjoying as you are enjoying it is a surefire way to generate extra heat. There’s so much more to this than simply dipping a carrot. This should be the equivalent of a well balanced meal with a well balanced feel. In the end we guys tend to only remember reaching the top of the mountain but the fact of the matter is; THAT takes a few seconds. Teasing and exploring make the entire trip more memorable for all parties involved and let’s be honest, the journey is often better than the destination, especially if we already know how the story ends. When those muscles tense, that pulse quickens and the sweat beads, a chorus of exhilaration sings us to the promised land. We can choose to make the song as long and as memorable as an epic anthem or as short and forgettable as a commercial. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather bathe in the purple rain.” 

The Walking Dead this Sunday... who will Negan kill?

Okay, I think we all know someone is going to die on the Walking Dead season finale Sunday night but the question is who? If you follow or have knowledge of the comic you know who is supposed to die but as we know with TWD, they don’t always follow the comic. So while we wait a few more agonizing days until the 90-minute season finale I figure it can’t hurt to speculate. Especially since I can’t stop thinking about it all week anyway.

First off, who I think is immune to dying this week: Rick obviously, Carl, Judith- not even TWD is twisted enough to kill a baby in the way that someone will be killed this week. So who’s ride is going to end with Season 6? Here are the possibilities from the main credited cast: (There are no upcoming spoilers here, only speculation)

First category:  “NO WAY”

Spencer- Not a big enough name, although he could die the way Denise did, unexpectedly and suddenly in the middle of the episode. He’s just not a big enough payoff to die at the end of the season. The last living Monroe will probably meet his end during the war between Team Rick and the Saviors that will be the main plotline of the upcoming Season 7.

Aaron- See Spencer.

Second Category: “POSSIBLE BUT NOT LIKELY”

Sasha- Her character has recently began to find happiness once again in what has been a tremendous emotional roller coaster ride for her. A supporting character finding happiness or enlightenment is usually when they suddenly die, ask Denise. Since this death coming on Sunday will be drawn out at the end and highly impactful I doubt Sasha with be the one to go.

Eugene- As entertaining as Eugene is I feel like his story has just begun. He's just made it to level 2! Plus I don’t think he’s a big enough name to die in a season finale against the greatest foe Team Rick has ever seen.

Tara- Her love just died so she is either in store for death herself or a character shift. The show hasn’t even showed her let alone her reaction since Denise’s death so she falls into the same boat as Aaron and Spencer. She could die during the episode, but not at the end of the episode. It wouldn’t be impactful enough to kill her off as Negan's first.  

Father Gabriel- 6 months ago his death would have been greatly celebrated as he is one of most disliked characters in the show’s history. But something interesting happened while we prayed for his demise, he evolved. The same character who turned his back on his congregation and anyone else who needed his help started to pull his weight. His 180 degree turnaround has been so compelling that Rick actually trusted Gabriel with Judith during the zombie walk through Alexandria. To seal the deal, he killed a savior (no pun intended) a few episodes back. He's changed. I don't think fans are still rooting for Gabriel’s death. Morgan says ALL life is precious. In the zombie apocalypse this is debatable since so many people turn into murderous, sinister bastards. Morgan wouldn’t give up on that Wolf, and yes, the wolf saved Denise’s life so she could save Carl, etc. Even the most evil character like that wolf, came back, so to speak. That’s not to say the wolf was going to start handing out cookies to everyone and organizing the Alexandria PTA, but he’s proof that even the most evil characters are not hopeless. However the question is; when and with who do you try? Would you take that chance? For every bad person who can be saved there’s probably several more who’d kill you and take all your stuff in a second. So “evil” may or may not be salvageable but Father Gabriel and Eugene are examples of why you can’t give up on cowardice. If you think about it, Carol is another example. These were people who couldn’t handle themselves, needed help to survive and were almost entirely useless in the ZA. Then at some point, something clicked and now they are useful in some way and in Carol's case, useful in a BIG way. Of course we could talk about Nicholas as a failure in cowardice since he killed himself, but he saved Glenn by doing so, so it wasn’t as big of a waste as it could have been. The point is cowards can come back, come around and the question is do you have the patience to wait for them to do so. It’s risky but Gabriel has come out the other end is doing fine now. I don’t know about you but I think with Gabriel there is still story to tell and more growing to do so I don’t think he’ll get sent to meet the real father Sunday night.   

Rosita- Rosita is a good candidate simply because she’s in a rough emotional spot and has nothing in front of her right now. After getting cruelly dumped by Abe, she’s a bit lost and vulnerable. She’s a good fighter and apparently has enough going for her to turn Spencer into an idiot (or mush) after one emotionless night, so it would be a shame for her to go when we are finally starting to explore the character. I don’t think she’s long for this world, just because of how they never make her a vocal point but I think that’s why her death Sunday night would also not carry the impact a main character’s death during the season finale should have. I think she’s more likely to die randomly during the season 7 war that’s coming.

Third Category: “WOULDN’T BE SHOCKED”

Morgan- He has ripped out the heart of fans for a while now, delicately balancing being a bad-ass fighter who could be a huge asset with being a massive pain in the ass who could have gotten several people killed with his philosophy of every life being precious and sparing otherwise vicious people so they could go on doing vicious things. If only he took out those 2 Wolves who tried to kill him a season and a half ago, it would have saved lives and prevented things that happened down the road from happening. Of course on the other side of it, his displays of humanity and mercy are rare for the ZA. It’s an opinion and a philosophy that is necessary to balance out the cold blooded, unapologetic and now automatic killings that have been generated by this crazy world. Morgan is important because he might be the only person who can pull Rick (and thus everyone else) back from the brink of savage brutality. Of course you cannot fight sheer evil with hugs, not in this world. The answer is probably in between these 2 philosophies, a time and a place, and since Morgan is the only voice on the “life is precious” side, he is very important. Plus, I think he has a bigger role to play down the road, both with helping Carol resolve her inner conflict and in helping Rick not become Negan or the Governor himself.   

Carol- She’s come full circle. She started off as someone who couldn’t kill and now she’s heading back to that point. Granted, in Season 1 she was helpless and now she is conflicted. That's a huge difference. The totality of her actions, namely her kills, has caused a measure of guilt and that guilt is tearing her apart. Can she resolve it? While you couldn’t blame her for pulling back and respecting life again after everything she's had to do, it would be frustrating for Team Rick because she’s so damn good at killing… at doing what needs to be done and not hesitating. There is no one better in a crisis. In fact, there would be no Team Rick without Carol. They would have been the Termites’ dinner otherwise. She’s in a period of introspection right now. Can she resolve doing what needs to be done when it needs to happen with her guilt over doing it? These are incredible times and Carol has turned into an incredible asset. I think killing her off would suck terribly because we want to see where she’ll go from here, but if she dies, people will say it’s because she lost her way. I wouldn’t be shocked if Carol was Negan’s first victim but I just don’t think it will be her. There’s still more story to tell.  

Michonne- What a swerve it would be to have Michonne be Negan’s first victim? She’s been through a remarkable journey where she learned to trust again, believe again and now, love again. TWD sure doesn’t mind offing people who have found something good in their lives. They like the drama of snatching that good fortune away in a second as both surprising storytelling and as a reminder that nothing good lasts in the ZA. Could I see them offing her? Yes, other than finally consummating “Richonne” and embracing her new Grimes family, her character hasn’t been up to much lately, which for all intents and purposes is a good thing considering most of the characters who are “up to something” in the story are dealing with adversity. If they wanted a surprise kill, she’d be the way to go and that would confirm that getting involved with Rick is VERY bad luck.

Maggie- It looked like Maggie could have lost the baby last week, if not, all is not well with the child. Since Glenn and Maggie have kind of adopted Enid anyway, the child isn’t entirely necessary. Plus with Judith still filling diapers there’s not a need to have another child on the show. It is however, important for what the child represents… hope. You’ve heard characters both on Team Rick and elsewhere question Maggie as to why she would want to get pregnant in this world, like doing so may as well be a death sentence. Maggie and Glenn occupy a different but similar wing of Morgan’s all life is precious argument. In a world so completely caught up with the moment (and for good reason), these are 2 people with a brave eye towards the future. More than that Maggie is set up in a very important but developing role; as the ambassador/representative of Alexandria. Rick and his temper have no time for slimy douches like the Hilltop Colony’s leader Gregory. Maggie is tough but with a softer, perhaps more diplomatic touch. In this season alone we’ve met the Hilltoppers and The Saviors. Odds are there are more colonies out there and in a world of dwindling supplies and resources, seeking out the other groups and working with them is becoming necessary. If they want to trade and work with Alexandria, they’ll speak with Maggie. If they want to take everything and kill everybody, well then they’ll speak with Rick. Maggie is important to the future of Team Rick so killing her here while extra surprising would be excessive. They just lost Deanna. Maggie needs time to grow into her role so I think she’ll be safe, although as we saw last Sunday the same might not be said for her baby.

Fourth Category: “UH-OH”

Abraham- I think Abraham would be the major character most fans could live with dying. His arc of losing his mind seems to be over and he’s found himself in a good place with newly found peace of mind and a new companion in Sasha. That’s way too much good fortune for one guy on this show! That’s why I think he’s a great candidate to be the first person to die at Negan’s hands. His euphemisms and ways to express himself are certainly a highlight and it’s not like there are many people left with military training out there but he’s not on the same level with the other 2 characters in this category who have been with Rick since episode 2. So his death, while powerful, wouldn’t carry the same weight of either Daryl or Glenn dying. In the comics, Abraham dies the way Denise did, so technically, he’s living on borrowed time… for what that’s worth.  

Daryl- We left last weeks’ episode with Daryl being shot in the arm or shoulder.  No he’s not dead and no, he will not die Sunday. Daryl still has a game to finish with Dwight and right now Dwight is winning. If you’ve studied comic book science you’ll know three things: 1-Only a major bad guy can finish off a major good character. Negan would qualify as a major bad guy, so yes he could kill Daryl on Sunday but also true in comic science is 2-A major bad guy doesn’t get introduced by killing an already wounded and weakened character. If Daryl is in rough shape after being shot, killing him wouldn’t be much of an accomplishment. Negan needs to kill a healthy, strapping major character to make maximum impact. 3-Daryl is has unfinished business. In the comic world, unfinished business with a bad guy is a huge deal. So this means, Daryl can die at Negan hands but only after he squares things with Dwight. If Daryl were to get revenge on Dwight during Sunday’s episode, I’d say he’s more likely to be the guy but if he doesn’t, I think he lives to fight, and die another day. Besides, if Daryl dies we riot, right?

Glenn- That leaves us with the guy who gets it at this point in the comics. That scene has been discussed for a few years by fans and media alike. Will The Walking Dead stay true to the comic? With the big Glenn death tease earlier this season, it was wondered if we’d even get to this point. Glenn as a character has been vital to the story thus far. His ability to get out of sticky situations and knock arrogant prima donnas on their ass has been wildly important. He survived being tortured by the Governor. He survived the chopping block at Terminus. Does Glenn have 9 lives and does anyone know if he’s already used 8 of them? Something to consider; Glenn for the first time a few episodes ago, killed his first 2 humans. On this show, when a character loses their way, trades in their belief system, they could be on borrowed time. It’s happened to a few of them. I’m also wondering that other than being a new dad to be and killing his first humans what else has Glenn been up to? What would his role be going forward? Obviously he is great on runs and has wisdom gleaned from Dale, Hershel and all the best moral characters on the show. To lose him WOULD be brutal but he is the only major character from the early days of the show who isn’t involved in a major subplot right now. Does that automatically equal death… no, not necessarily. But for the same reason that I think Carol is safe because she’s on a quest to find herself and Daryl is safe because he’s on a quest for revenge, Glenn is not on a "quest" right now. He's just there. One train of thought is maybe the show has been cleaning up Glenn’s affairs, so to speak, to prepare for THIS moment. While the show hasn’t always stuck to the comics, there are a few moments, major moments, that they have to get right. I think this is one of them. As much as I hate it, I think Glenn is the one to meet his demise at the hands of Negan Sunday. 

What can pride do for you? (12-23-15)

Today we had our 2^nd Christmas party, sponsored by the store up front from us. It wasn’t going to be as big as the one we had last Friday that our department threw but hey, free lunch twice in one week! No one was going to complain about that. Thus the morning was nothing more than a countdown to chow time.

In the afternoon the food arrived and everyone was summoned. The manager of the store came back to us and started calling out everyone’s names. There were five of us in the room and he started rattling them off from the closest person to him to the furthest, except for one omission, my name. I was the furthest away. I remembered thinking hey, what am I not invited? I chuckled and hobbled my way towards the front store. Why am I hobbling? Good question. I have a pinched nerve in my back that’s been improving but improving slowly. 4-5 days ago I had trouble standing upright, let alone walking, but now I just have a hitch in my giddyup.  It’s still a bit painful but it’s getting there.

I made my way up front thinking about how much food I should eat and thinking about calories, sodium and things like that but also thankful that I didn’t have to spend money or bring anything in today. Once I made it up front I saw the store manager and he told me that everything was upstairs in the break room. My heart sank. You see, the store has a little upstairs break room for their employees that I never venture into. The stairway is the narrowest stairway you’ve ever seen. You’d think it’s the way up to a kid’s clubhouse where adults are not allowed. Trust me, it makes the entrance to your attic seem spacious. I’d say the entrance and entire stairway is literally 2/3 as wide as a normal door. The stairway also has a short ceiling and very steep steps. I’ve never been up there. I’ve never even thought to try. The little Keebler elves door looked so silly that I never gave it a thought. Plus I have my own desk, so if I need a break, I just stay there.

When I walked to the door and looked at the stairway I gasped. Damn was it tiny. I tried to enter the stairway but I couldn’t. My shoulders were too wide. I couldn’t get through the door frame. Maybe if I turned sideways… but with my back the way it is, also having to duck to avoid cracking my head on the low bridge I realized that going up these stairs sideways or anyways was going to be incredibly difficult for me… too difficult. I stopped after trying to get through the doorway. The manager who had gone to the top of the stairs already turned around and asked me what I wanted, that he’d grab it for me. I didn’t answer. I didn’t know what was there; besides, I didn’t want someone preparing me a plate like I’m some child. I told him I didn’t need or want anything and I went back to my desk in the rear of the building, embarrassed and upset. I felt like a ginormous freak.

I griped about the choice for where the food was laid out. They always put it in a side office on the main floor that only employees had access to. It was easy access. This time they put it in that little room upstairs that only smaller sized people could access. Now that I think about it, everybody who works up front has smallish, hipster-like physiques. I’m not sure if anyone up there was 6 feet tall and everyone seemed like they were no more than 150 pounds. Someone asked me why I didn’t come back with any food and I told them why. Someone offered to go up and get me a plate. I quickly refused. They said; “it’s no big deal” but again I refused. I wish people would stop asking. I could not accept anyone bringing me a plate. I was embarrassed to even talk about it, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. How ridiculous. They Ed-proofed the food! Grrrr!

As I sat there and obsessed about what had just happened the security guy from up front came into our room carrying a plate and walking towards my desk. I felt mortified. “Oh my god” I said wishing I could hide. He told me they pulled me a plate and handed it to me. There wasn’t much food on it, conservatively pulled I thought. I took the plate and thanked him despite my discomfort. Don’t kill the messenger. He told me to let him know if I wanted anything else from up there and again I quickly refused. We then got into the familiar song and dance of “really, it’s no trouble”, no I’m fine, thanks. “Ed, if you want something, don’t worry about it, I’ll get it for you.” No, it’s okay, this is plenty, thank you. After about 5 or 6 of those back and forths he left with my gratitude and left me with this small plate of food. I looked at it. I didn’t want it because it had to be brought out to me due to ridiculous circumstances… they put the food where big guys can’t go. On the other hand I’m looking at this food, food that would normally be eaten bare handed, finger foods if you will, and wondering how they got onto this plate. Somebody must have grabbed them and put them on there. I started thinking about the germs. I can’t eat anything that someone brings me- that someone else put their hands on. But I’m also really hungry. I had a light breakfast and I had been looking forward to this for a few hours. Being able to smell the food so easily and effortlessly wasn’t helping. I stare at the plate. The sound of other people eating fills the room. I’m torn. I should just say screw it and eat this food and stop worrying, stop whining. Something won’t let me. Something wants me to toss this food in the trash. If I can’t go and get it myself, then I don’t want it. But it’s not fair. They put it in a place I cannot go. The whole event is embarrassing and frustrating. Why can’t I ever accept help? The tall thin guy who works in the back with me just mentioned how he fell down the stairs a bit coming down from getting food. It felt strangely reassuring. I keep staring at the food. I’m not getting any work done.

After a 15-minute internal conversation I still haven’t touched the food. I keep going back and forth wondering which will give in first; my pride or my hunger. I’m now thinking of alternate lunch plans, like leaving the building and picking something up. I tell myself, it’s such a nice one out there today in order to stack the deck in favor of my pride. I have no one here who knows me well enough to tell me I’m being ridiculous. Finally my boss ventures over. I haven’t seen her in like half an hour because she was upstairs snacking and being social with the people small enough to make it up into this room. She comes over to ask me why I haven’t eaten the plate in front of me. I tell her and she says that she saw them prepare the plate for me, and that they used a napkin to grab everything. I tell her that she’s just saying that to make me feel better. She insists it’s the truth and walks away.  

After absorbing this new piece of information I convince myself its okay to eat what they brought me although not without a ton of overthinking and anxiety over the ordeal. What a cost! I finally give in and eat the food and then realize that I probably would have grabbed more if it were me doing the grabbing but I’ll be damned if I’m asking anyone to go get me more. In fact I would rather stop talking about it altogether. A few hours later when I actually had to take my lunch I left the building and spent a little bit of money getting something somewhere else to eat. I realized how ironic it was to have to spend money for food on a day where everyone was getting a free lunch but that’s me, complicated and stubborn. I have my pride and a few less dollars in my pocket.

By late afternoon I’m mentally exhausted from all the anxiety and worry I put myself through. Did I handle this well? A curveball was thrown at me and I had trouble adjusting. I guess I always kind of do when something that I think is going to go one way goes another. When something that always goes a certain way doesn’t and I was too embarrassed to ask for help if I need it. I panicked a bit and I was prideful and but then I thought in a way that this whole thing was a metaphor for what the poor and working class of America have to go through. The ruling class thinks everyone wants a free ride but we really don’t. We want to earn our lunch, take pride in it and most of all we want to be able to get it ourselves. We don’t want it brought to us. We don’t want it to exist beyond our reach. This is America man; land of the free, home of the shamed. Today the goal was put somewhere where I couldn’t go. It was put above me and I couldn’t reach it. I’ve never felt more American… and hungry.

My Superhero Brothers (10-21-15)

When I was little I looked up to 4 older brothers. I guess that goes without saying, I was a kid- what could I do? They were a lot older and bigger than I was. The youngest of the four had 9 years on me! But I looked up to them in more ways than one. I looked to them for advice, for bonding, for all of the things I could not get from our dad and more. My brothers were vital to me. While each of them was different, they were all larger than life to me. Our dad was a larger than life character too, but it wasn’t the same. He was “dad” and ask any teenager, parents are lame. There’s a lack of mystery with parents. You see them all the time. Don’t get me wrong, you look up to them, but you don’t want to be just like them, at least not at that age. My brothers on the other hand, were something else entirely. They were like superheroes to me. I wanted to be a superhero too. One day I wanted to be like Bryan, the next like Lawrence. They were this collective of awesome guys each with their own, unique superpower.

My brother Raymond was the crazy one. It seemed to me like he would do anything, at anytime. When he saw me he would pick me up with as much joy and love as any person could muster. He would also scare me to death. I think I would scream out every time he hoisted me up and showed me that love. I was always happy to see him despite the inevitable super hugs and liftoff. The truth was, I always felt safe and loved around him, especially after he put me down. Sometimes he apologized when he saw me because he had nothing to give me, but I never cared. His love was enough. Unfortunately we lost him in 1988 but he’ll always remind me that we all have to get a little crazy sometimes. It’s good for our sanity. 

My brother Bryan was the cool one. I’ve written extensively about him in the past. He was the one who opened up the world to me, taking me to places like Bills training camp, my first movies, concerts, games and malls. Dad never liked to go anywhere but Bryan introduced me to the world outside my neighborhood and taught me to enjoy many things that I probably never would have discovered on my own. When we lost him in 2012 it was like a knife in my gut. I’d like to think that the coolness he possessed rubbed off on me and all the nephews, nieces, cousins and children he loved. He reminds me to be cool, keep my cool and never to let anyone who thinks I’m not cool convince me otherwise. 

My brother Jose is the smart one. There was a time where I didn’t think there was much more to life than sports, music and movies. He taught me a lot about life outside of those things. He taught me a lot about humanity, about forgiveness, about compassion. I remember as a teenager he gave me plenty to think about during a time where I might have been prone to doing too many things without thinking. He taught me to ask questions but I never questioned the love he’s had for this family. He reminds me to think, to wonder, to hope and to not be afraid to expand my horizons.

My brother Lawrence was the fun one. If you needed to be cheered up, if you needed to forget about your problems for a while, he was your guy. Every time I went to his house it seemed like it was a party. I remember leaving several times thinking; does he do this every night?!? Like Raymond he had a penchant for picking me up off the ground when I was little, except Lawrence would pick me up and perform pro wrestling maneuvers on me, like an airplane spin. I would beg to be put back down and he would just laugh and laugh. And oh my god that laugh. If you were in a bad mood, he could melt it with that laugh. I don’t know anyone who ever got more of their money’s worth with a laugh as he did. But it was more than the enjoyment of torturing his baby brother. I admired how unlike our dad, he didn’t take life so serious all the time. For that reason, if you were spending moments with him you were all but guaranteed a good time. Speaking of which, I’ll never forget when I was younger and I got to spend many nights over at his place. I always had a blast. I’ll never forget his generosity. I’ll also never forget the “loving” threats. I don’t know if he ever really meant those threats but at the time, I never thought it was a good idea to test him and find out. I believe the last one he gave me was for being a smartass with him to which he replied; “I may be getting old but I’ll still kick your ass.” For all his tough talk, I knew he had a sensitive side and a deeper love of family and friends than most people I’ve ever met. Again, like Raymond I think he’d do anything for anyone he cared about and that’s probably why so many people cared about him. I remember long ago when I helped him paint his house “lilac”. At the time, I thought it was an odd choice to paint a house purple. I questioned him about the choice of color, but only one time. I don’t remember exactly what he said but he, in his charming no-nonsense way assured me that I should shut up and get back to painting, probably at the risk of my ass getting kicked. We painted almost the whole day. That night, he treated me and everyone else who helped paint to a feast of pretty much everything we wanted. That was him, tough but tender. He’ll always remind me to have fun, to not take life too seriously and by all means he’ll remind me to laugh.  

Together the crazy one, the cool one, the smart one and the fun one made up one hell of a team. As the years have gone by, I grew and was literally no longer looking up to them. By then I realized my brothers were not superheroes, they were just men. They had flaws, made mistakes and they were not invincible. But one thing they all had & have in abundance is love... and that is their real superpower. A legacy of love can’t be defeated. It can’t be forgotten. It can’t be lost. It is indestructible and it is eternal. These are good men and now as I say goodbye to Lawrence, I’m left with a sadness that I won’t be able to hear that laugh anytime soon, but at the same time I’m sure Bryan, Raymond and Wanda are absolutely thrilled that they will… and that comforts me. Thank you Lawrence for all the love, all the good times, the memories, the jokes (good and bad)… and for being someone worth looking up to.