I left work by 3:30 even though I wasn’t planning on being at the venue until 6ish. The simple fact was that I couldn’t concentrate on the words in front of me. There was work and lots of it but all I could do was stare at my monitor. The only words I was concerned with were my own, dancing around in my head. In a manner of hours I would be reading about 10 of my pieces for the biggest crowd I’d ever read in front of... by far. Anxiety was setting in. So was self doubt. Were my pieces good enough? Would I be able to read them clearly? Would my voice hold up for the 30 minutes? I had never read in public for more than 10 minutes and this half hour show at the 2011 Buffalo Infringement Festival was as ambitious a step as I’ve ever tried to make. I’ve done radio, writing, even a short film, but this was just me, in front of everyone and everything armed with only my mind, my heart and my voice.
I left my desk at least an hour earlier than I planned to but it felt like the right thing to do since I was useless at work. I sat down at home and turned on the television in an effort to take my mind off my concerns. Every now and then I’d tell myself that I’d have fun and everything would be fine but the anxieties were talking louder, faster and more often. I needed to get out of my head for a few hours. I needed a distraction. I needed something positive. I needed something inspiring. I needed something fun. So I grabbed Scott Pilgrim vs. the World and threw it into the DVD player. It’s one of my favorite films of the past few years. I’ve seen it 4 or 5 times now. It’s funny, silly, well crafted and I absolutely drool over Ramona Flowers. Please Ramona, take me away.
Fast forward 1 hour and 53 minutes later and now I have to rush around and get ready for the show rendering me unable to think about much other than the task at hand. Where’s my t-shirt?!? Where’s my fedora!?! Thankfully the nearly 2 hours of mild mind did the trick. I say mild because you can’t shut it off completely but when you are watching a film and really into it, it’s almost like a time machine. You lose track of time and nothing else matters. Suddenly it’s 90 minutes or in this case 113 minutes later. In hindsight I think that helped me a lot but not nearly as much as getting there early and letting myself enjoy and soak in the moment would.
I had offers for several rides down but I thought that none of them would get me down to the gallery early enough for what I needed. Whenever I go to a large event, especially one that I am starring in I like to get there early. I like to see the space, stretch out, relax and get acclimated to it. This always helps with my level of calm and peace of mind. Those friends who’ve seen me when we walk into a crowded bar will understand what I am saying. So I went down on my own in order to get there early.
I arrived at the gallery at about 6:10, which gave me near an hour of time to get into the groove before going on. The other poet I was performing with was the only person there. He was sitting on the step outside. He mentioned that the gallery door was locked and it appeared no one was there yet, well of course except for us. I introduced myself and quickly noticed he was rocking a plaid fedora. Are fedoras the official headwear of poets? We’ve come a long way from berets baby!
We talked for about 10 minutes and I found out we went to the same 2 grade schools which put me more at ease. Something about walking common roads makes me feel like other people are no different from me. It chips away at the fears and anxieties of being strangers. He told me the story behind his work and what he would be doing. I didn’t talk much about mine other than to say it was silly and passionate. As it got closer to 6:30 a few more people arrived. Technically my new friend would go on at 6:30 for 15 minutes and then I’d go on at 7 after a short break. The gallery opened just after 6:30 and we went in to get right.
I watched the first poet and he was very comfortable speaking in public. He read through 5 pieces and 4 limericks and basically made fun of the poems before, during and after he read them. It was pretty relaxed and as he read the crowd grew. Since the gallery owner slightly overslept on his nap we had a late start but it didn’t matter. If anything it helped because people who thought they were 5 to 10 minutes late showed up right on time.
After a short break spent talking to friends who showed up to see me read, which kept me out of my head, I sat on a stool in front and grabbed a stack of papers with the pre-ordered pieces all set to go. As I looked at the paper in front of me I could only see one word “Fear”. That’s not to say I was petrified or anything, that was just the name of the first piece at the top of the first page. For some reason I thought of the great sword fight between the Dread Pirate Wesley and Inigo Montoya in the Princess Bride. The two men face each other in stances and prepare for battle. The only word uttered comes from Montoya who says “begin” and then the steel starts flying. I looked up from the page and saw every seat filled in the room and several people standing on the edges and before it could set in, before I could start to feel afraid I said “begin” and began through the 16 lines of “Fear”. Whenever I read it I like to do it first because it reminds me to overcome my fear and enjoy the moment. When I had finished it, I knew I was smack in the middle of a good one.
I welcomed everyone to that moment and talked briefly about my show. I wished everyone a “Happy Shark Week”, thanked the gallery owner, the opening poet and the festival. I then started the buildup for my next piece “The Day I Switched from Coke to Pepsi” and away I went. I just kept pounding them off the same as when I read them in my apartment for the past several weeks… except this was different. There was a crowd and with the completion of each piece and the applause that followed I grew stronger. I’d look up from the page and see old friends, new friends and strangers looking back at me, wanting to hear my work. It was exciting and amazing.
If the younger me from even a few years ago could have seen myself Monday night, I would have been dumbfounded. The younger me would have said; “what, me read in front of people… you must be joking”. I’ve always been an intensely private person so much so that sometimes my closest friends wouldn’t know exactly how I felt but Monday night was so liberating. I feel like I opened up my chest, peeled back all the skin and showed the room my heart. In a moment like that, where I’m sharing my thoughts, my fears and my passions with a room mixed with people I know as well as people I don’t, I feel naked. I know it’s a cliché but when they say poets bare themselves to the audience, they really do. People told me I looked calm and composed up there. All there was were the words. Especially after the first few pieces and through to the end, I was just in a zone I guess. I wasn’t thinking, I wasn’t worried and I wasn’t afraid. I was finding my voice and really enjoying the discovery. After the show I was reminded of the journey to this day.
I think back to 2007 and 2008 sitting in the crowd at the monthly Nickel City Poetry Slam, hosted and presented by the late Gabrielle Bouliane. I went every month except for December 2007 because just a few hours before the slam I was struck by a car on Delaware and Allen. I remember lying on a bed at ECMC being upset about missing the slam. There I was with a broken leg, torn knee ligament and badly bruised tailbone more upset because I couldn’t go to the poetry slam. They meant so much to me. I got to see Buddy Wakefield, Carlos Andres Gomez, Mike McGee, Corbet Dean and so many other great poets plus local poets who inspired me most of all. Here were people who could be my neighbors, my co-workers or people I could conceivably pass walking down the street. They were up there. I started to believe at that time I could be too. I started to realize I wanted to be a poet and then somewhere along the way I started to realize I already was.
This past year as I have been putting pieces together I think back to those days often. I draw inspiration from everything around me whether it’s memories, new friends, butterflies, other poets, philosophy, religion and apparently Swedish fish. I hope I can keep getting my thoughts together onto a page and reading them out for anyone who will listen. The rush is amazing and when there’s love for it, I feel invincible.
In case anyone missed it, a writer from the Buffalo News caught the show and wrote about it here: http://blogs.buffalonews.com/gusto/2011/08/a-roundup-of-infringement-day-5.html I feel so fortunate that he stopped by.
In closing I think I've said thank you about 150 times since Monday and I feel like I haven't said it nearly enough. I'm in another world since then, where anything is possible and where I am empowered and emboldened to make even more happen. There's been music all week, wherever I've been and the melody is so sweet. I think I'll sway to the rhythm and savor this for at least a few more days. Thanks!
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Seems like a really good time to invest in gold. (7-25-11)
I’m going to admit right off the bat that I don’t comprehend politics as well as some Americans do. Occasionally I get sucked into an issue or a period (2008) of movement but for the most part I stay away from it. Quite frankly it’s maddening. It’s also frustrating and sickening when I hear about the stuff happening in our nation’s capital. The absence of logic, compassion and honor really piss me off. Politicians will routinely lie or distort the truth to serve their needs. They’ll attack their opponents without knowing all the facts and sometimes even make things up completely to win elections and sway voters. Illogically, some favor the needs of the few over the needs of many. You can’t count on them to do the right thing either. They’ll put a spin on their choices, point fingers and find scapegoats when the buck should really stop with them. I find politics to be turning into the greatest reality game show of all. It’s just that it is so incredibly boring and convoluted that the common American and their short attention span will abandon the trek very quickly to get back to some Angry Birds, Facebook and their easier to follow reality shows. I’m not immune to this myself. Plus the politicians know how ridiculously boring and convoluted things are and so they encourage it and exacerbate it to keep most of us ignorant as to what’s going on. The more attentive we are, the more decisions they have to make. The more we cared, the more we would expect from them. Okay, anyway with that in mind I’m going to rant about politics, the GOP, the economy, the debt ceiling and who knows what else. It’s just an opinion but dammit it’s mine!
From my blog:
I've had it with government and politics. All they do these days is play games… very dangerous games. This country is in abysmal shape and all they want to do is posture and act like children. I’d say they are too focused on the past and present but that’s not true. They are focused on the future, only it’s not the future health of our country or democracy it their political future or the political future of their party. No one wants to make a tough choice that could hurt them down the road even if it’s the best thing to do right now. There’s a lot to lose! You don’t want to aggravate the people with the deep pockets. The people with the most money have the most influence. This is how it has always been but in this age of visibility, media frenzy and instant gratification it feels like it’s out of control. Money rules all. About 30 years ago our government engaged in something called trickle down economics. The premise was that tax breaks for the rich would spark job creation and a reinvestment in our economy. In these 30 years what if anything has trickled down? During those 3 decades taxes were seriously slashed for the rich to the point where quite famously, people like Warren Buffet are paying the same tax rates as the people who work far underneath them. If you aren’t hurting too much from this downturn maybe you can muster a laugh because on paper this whole thing is comical. The GOP has maintained for a long time that slashing taxes will create jobs and will booster the economy. The slashes of federal tax rates during the Bush administration alone have been quite significant but where are these jobs? They haven’t trickled down to us yet, maybe to China or India but not around these parts. The truth is lowering taxes for the rich does not create jobs, it just lets them put more in their coffers for rainy days and frivolous spending binges or even bolsters their portfolios so they can buy up more of the world.
Since money is king, it seems like Washington doesn’t listen to regular people any longer. On top of that the people who are the most fanatical and dedicated (the tea party for instance) are often the ones who speak the loudest and try to speak for everyone. So the people the government ends up listening to besides the rich are ones who don’t speak for all of us because these people are often the craziest people out there. Their fanaticism, persistence and borderline insanity are what got someone’s ear. Their influence is being felt right now during the debt ceiling talks.
We’re on the verge of an unprecedented financial collapse into default and the GOP and their Tea party handlers are still adamant that the trillions of dollars needed to raise the debt ceiling and help to reduce our debt going forward come from the working class, middle class and the poor and their entitlement programs. Now that’s just rude. If you were out one night with 3 of your friends and those friends had only $20 each in their pockets and you had $2000, would you really allow THEM to buy YOU a round? I would hope not! If all other things were equal and you were with your friends I would imagine you wouldn’t mind buying rounds for everyone, maybe quite a few. Of course in this country in 2011, everything is not equal and we certainly do not consider other Americans to be our friends. The growing gap between the rich and the poor has become a Grand Canyon and the numbers of the middle class are shrinking and they know it. The fear and paranoia these times have given us have the middle class distracted and fighting each other for whatever crumbs are left by the rich. Meanwhile, the numbers of millionaires and billionaires are skyrocketing! Let’s face it. People are selfish and the ones on top look down on those beneath them. Oh well, should’ve made better choices. Should’ve went to school, stayed away from the booze, kissed more ass, had more guts, married rich, been luckier, etc. It’s like a person being right and then rubbing it in your face that you are wrong. Don’t you just hate that person? Don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back! How about just being happy to be right and how about helping other people to get it right like you did? Instead people turn a deaf ear to the cries of the unemployed, underemployed, sick, aging and unfortunate. How much is enough? How much is enough before the people getting stepped on can’t take any more? In olden times, revolutions were fought and royalty were overthrown and even beheaded for such offences! How much is enough?
Today I saw an article where President Obama is quoted as saying that the rich need to pay their “fair share”. Then I went to a few message boards where it seemed the sentiment was 50/50 as to whether they should. Some people suggested those who are deemed too poor to pay taxes should pay their fair share too. Others talked about how the rich already pay a significant percentage of the tax revenue in this country. I read somewhere recently where the top 1% of Americans control over 40% of the wealth in this country. Think about that. It’s a staggering amount. Just like when election time comes I’m thoroughly shocked that it seems 50% of Americans represent the ideals and desires of that 1%. Sure there’s more to it than that. There are social issues, religious views and so much more but what’s issue #1 with the vast majority of Americans lately and has been for the past few years? That’s right, the economy. Wake up people! The GOP is nothing more than a tool for the rich and righteous and I can only assume that the vast majority of Americans are neither. The fact that the country sent in the GOP in 2010 to destroy the incremental progress we had made climbing out of that massive hole during the first two years of the Obama Administration still mystifies me. That damn Obama didn’t fix everything fast enough! He didn’t bring any real change! This guy is all talk! And now because of the Republican controlled House, nothing gets done unless Obama bends over and “compromises” by giving the other side more than an equal amount of concessions. It’s happening now with the debt ceiling thing.
I don’t feel like the president has gotten a fair shake considering the extenuating circumstances surrounding his presidency but that’s neither here nor there. All I can say right now is dammit Obama don't give in! There are lives at stake! The poor and middle class have been beaten down enough! I'm so sick of all the proposed cuts to people who are already roughing it out even though the side that wants them is the side that put us into this mess with THEIR wars and THEIR uncontrolled spending despite most of us little people being against it. Did you know that on 5 occasions in the last 9 years the Republicans, including the ones who are at the head of the party now (Boehner, Cantor, McConnell), voted to raise the debt ceiling? Oh, it’s just that a Republican was president at the time so I guess that’s when it’s okay. The Bush Administration spent more than any Democrat ever did and handed Obama a recession, a grossly unbalanced budget and a lot of problems without solutions. Let’s never forget that! Oh and by the way, taxes are lower than they've been in 30 years. That, my friends is ridiculous in times like these where the number of billionaires and the record corporate profits grow nearly as fast as the unemployment line. Yeah, some companies are showing record profits and paying little to no taxes while they outsource jobs to other countries. It’s like these companies are being rewarded for eliminating American jobs! I’m not asking for new taxes on the rich… no, let’s just bring back some of the old ones! We need to rebuild this nation and it’s tough to do that when we are waging 2 wars, giving the rich the best tax rates they’ve had in decades and playing politics to the point nothing ever gets done in some attempt to sabotage someone’s presidency.
To me, governing is not imposing the will or beliefs of some people on all of them. It is doing what is right for the populous, not a small number of Americans but the nation at large. Nothing has trickled down to us on the bottom these last 3 decades and call me crazy but I’m beginning to think it never will. It’s time to get serious. It’s time for people to see reason. It’s time to buy a boatload of gold!
From my blog:
I've had it with government and politics. All they do these days is play games… very dangerous games. This country is in abysmal shape and all they want to do is posture and act like children. I’d say they are too focused on the past and present but that’s not true. They are focused on the future, only it’s not the future health of our country or democracy it their political future or the political future of their party. No one wants to make a tough choice that could hurt them down the road even if it’s the best thing to do right now. There’s a lot to lose! You don’t want to aggravate the people with the deep pockets. The people with the most money have the most influence. This is how it has always been but in this age of visibility, media frenzy and instant gratification it feels like it’s out of control. Money rules all. About 30 years ago our government engaged in something called trickle down economics. The premise was that tax breaks for the rich would spark job creation and a reinvestment in our economy. In these 30 years what if anything has trickled down? During those 3 decades taxes were seriously slashed for the rich to the point where quite famously, people like Warren Buffet are paying the same tax rates as the people who work far underneath them. If you aren’t hurting too much from this downturn maybe you can muster a laugh because on paper this whole thing is comical. The GOP has maintained for a long time that slashing taxes will create jobs and will booster the economy. The slashes of federal tax rates during the Bush administration alone have been quite significant but where are these jobs? They haven’t trickled down to us yet, maybe to China or India but not around these parts. The truth is lowering taxes for the rich does not create jobs, it just lets them put more in their coffers for rainy days and frivolous spending binges or even bolsters their portfolios so they can buy up more of the world.
Since money is king, it seems like Washington doesn’t listen to regular people any longer. On top of that the people who are the most fanatical and dedicated (the tea party for instance) are often the ones who speak the loudest and try to speak for everyone. So the people the government ends up listening to besides the rich are ones who don’t speak for all of us because these people are often the craziest people out there. Their fanaticism, persistence and borderline insanity are what got someone’s ear. Their influence is being felt right now during the debt ceiling talks.
We’re on the verge of an unprecedented financial collapse into default and the GOP and their Tea party handlers are still adamant that the trillions of dollars needed to raise the debt ceiling and help to reduce our debt going forward come from the working class, middle class and the poor and their entitlement programs. Now that’s just rude. If you were out one night with 3 of your friends and those friends had only $20 each in their pockets and you had $2000, would you really allow THEM to buy YOU a round? I would hope not! If all other things were equal and you were with your friends I would imagine you wouldn’t mind buying rounds for everyone, maybe quite a few. Of course in this country in 2011, everything is not equal and we certainly do not consider other Americans to be our friends. The growing gap between the rich and the poor has become a Grand Canyon and the numbers of the middle class are shrinking and they know it. The fear and paranoia these times have given us have the middle class distracted and fighting each other for whatever crumbs are left by the rich. Meanwhile, the numbers of millionaires and billionaires are skyrocketing! Let’s face it. People are selfish and the ones on top look down on those beneath them. Oh well, should’ve made better choices. Should’ve went to school, stayed away from the booze, kissed more ass, had more guts, married rich, been luckier, etc. It’s like a person being right and then rubbing it in your face that you are wrong. Don’t you just hate that person? Don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back! How about just being happy to be right and how about helping other people to get it right like you did? Instead people turn a deaf ear to the cries of the unemployed, underemployed, sick, aging and unfortunate. How much is enough? How much is enough before the people getting stepped on can’t take any more? In olden times, revolutions were fought and royalty were overthrown and even beheaded for such offences! How much is enough?
Today I saw an article where President Obama is quoted as saying that the rich need to pay their “fair share”. Then I went to a few message boards where it seemed the sentiment was 50/50 as to whether they should. Some people suggested those who are deemed too poor to pay taxes should pay their fair share too. Others talked about how the rich already pay a significant percentage of the tax revenue in this country. I read somewhere recently where the top 1% of Americans control over 40% of the wealth in this country. Think about that. It’s a staggering amount. Just like when election time comes I’m thoroughly shocked that it seems 50% of Americans represent the ideals and desires of that 1%. Sure there’s more to it than that. There are social issues, religious views and so much more but what’s issue #1 with the vast majority of Americans lately and has been for the past few years? That’s right, the economy. Wake up people! The GOP is nothing more than a tool for the rich and righteous and I can only assume that the vast majority of Americans are neither. The fact that the country sent in the GOP in 2010 to destroy the incremental progress we had made climbing out of that massive hole during the first two years of the Obama Administration still mystifies me. That damn Obama didn’t fix everything fast enough! He didn’t bring any real change! This guy is all talk! And now because of the Republican controlled House, nothing gets done unless Obama bends over and “compromises” by giving the other side more than an equal amount of concessions. It’s happening now with the debt ceiling thing.
I don’t feel like the president has gotten a fair shake considering the extenuating circumstances surrounding his presidency but that’s neither here nor there. All I can say right now is dammit Obama don't give in! There are lives at stake! The poor and middle class have been beaten down enough! I'm so sick of all the proposed cuts to people who are already roughing it out even though the side that wants them is the side that put us into this mess with THEIR wars and THEIR uncontrolled spending despite most of us little people being against it. Did you know that on 5 occasions in the last 9 years the Republicans, including the ones who are at the head of the party now (Boehner, Cantor, McConnell), voted to raise the debt ceiling? Oh, it’s just that a Republican was president at the time so I guess that’s when it’s okay. The Bush Administration spent more than any Democrat ever did and handed Obama a recession, a grossly unbalanced budget and a lot of problems without solutions. Let’s never forget that! Oh and by the way, taxes are lower than they've been in 30 years. That, my friends is ridiculous in times like these where the number of billionaires and the record corporate profits grow nearly as fast as the unemployment line. Yeah, some companies are showing record profits and paying little to no taxes while they outsource jobs to other countries. It’s like these companies are being rewarded for eliminating American jobs! I’m not asking for new taxes on the rich… no, let’s just bring back some of the old ones! We need to rebuild this nation and it’s tough to do that when we are waging 2 wars, giving the rich the best tax rates they’ve had in decades and playing politics to the point nothing ever gets done in some attempt to sabotage someone’s presidency.
To me, governing is not imposing the will or beliefs of some people on all of them. It is doing what is right for the populous, not a small number of Americans but the nation at large. Nothing has trickled down to us on the bottom these last 3 decades and call me crazy but I’m beginning to think it never will. It’s time to get serious. It’s time for people to see reason. It’s time to buy a boatload of gold!
Saturday, July 2, 2011
The Good, The Bad and the Poetry! (7-2-11)
The Good:
The weather! It’s been so nice of late and I constantly want to be outside. Whether it’s going for a bike ride, a long walk or sitting somewhere and absorbing life, I want to do it all! Being inside for too long is making me edgy these days… just ask my co-workers, ha! I love it so much I almost want to throw the tent out into the backyard and sleep outside! Perhaps a camping trip is coming soon.
It seems there are at least 2 cool outdoor concerts each week, plus there’s baseball games, an evolving waterfront (they just opened a food shack “Clinton’s Dish” down there!), outdoor festivals every weekend and so much more going on. If you have air conditioning I understand why you might want to stay inside for periods of time but I will say this to you, THIS is what we suffer all winter for. These few warm, active months are to be enjoyed!
If you are one of those people who want to get out more but don’t know where the party is, never fear! In the very near future I am going to be releasing Crazy Eddie’s Event Calendar spotlighting some of the best things to do around Buffalo. All I will be doing is just compiling a list of great events and things to do and sharing it with you. I do this for myself all the time anyway and lately I’ve started sharing that list with a few of my friends and it’s occurred to me, why not share it with everyone, you know since I’m putting in the time anyway. Hopefully I can help you and yours find some fun things to do this summer that you might not have known about otherwise. I’m not sure if I am just going to post it as a blog/note or if I will make a weekly video spotlighting some of the best things to do that week. Perhaps I will do both. Stay tuned to see the first installment this week!
For those of you who missed out on my Best of 2011, Volume One CD from last month, don’t fear! You are obviously not as cool as those who got a copy 4 weeks ago but I still have several left so that you can salvage your reputation before it’s too late! Obviously I’m kidding (am I?) but I do have a handful more to give away and since I carry my backpack with me almost everywhere I go and/or I wear lots of cargo shorts with CD sized pockets, if you see me out and about there’s a good chance I’ll have a few on me! I may make an additional run of 10-15 more to give out at my poetry show in a few weeks but I’ll have more on that later in this blog.
The Bad:
I used to think I did things because I had a hunger for life, experiences and adventures no matter how small or insignificant they seemed. It’s always taken very little to make me happy, to keep me entertained. While to an extent that is still very true nowadays I feel like my activities are distractions. I feel like I’m doing things so I’ll forget how lonely I am. It certainly works because this has been a great week right up until yesterday where not coincidently I spent the evening at home doing very little. When I am out doing things I’m not thinking about the things I wish I was doing, so to speak. I used to be against such thinking, when friends would tell me they keep busy so they don’t think about all the crap in their lives, I used to scoff at that and think to myself that if you have stuff bothering you why not figure it out. But sometimes there are no easy answers and I guess now I can relate, except there isn’t a lot of crap in my life. A lot of things are good but it seems I spend a lot of my idle time thinking about the few things that aren’t right. What’s up with that?!?
I feel so isolated when I’m alone and I keep wondering if I will always feel this way. I really wish I had someone that I could share a connection with. I wish I had a companion, a partner, a woman who would indulge me and my crazy ideas and whom I could indulge. The most recent female I had a thing for, it turns out she is involved with someone and has a young child… although I never saw her out with the child or the guy, always alone. Oh well, guess I’ll find a new crush. It can take me anywhere from a few minutes to a few years to find one. I genuinely like so few women that I can’t predict how long it will take to be smitten again. Smitten is pretty nice though. Still I hope one day to have what many of you have… closeness, intimacy, a connection and someone who really cares about what you need, what you want, how you feel or what you are thinking.
I’m starting a new exercise routine this weekend with an eye towards what I eat and it feels like it’s the 50th time I’ve done such a thing. It feels that way because it probably is! I’ll keep trying I guess until I get it right. I know what you are thinking; why is this under the “bad” category? I’ve included it here because I’ve done some bad things in recent months to get me to this place. The fact that I have to saddle up and give it another go with a new exercise and diet deal means I’ve made some bad choices. I’m usually a glass half full kind of guy but until I start doing good things and making good choices I’m a bad boy. For me the test is consistent moderation in servings and staying active. It’s really that simple on paper. In reality, and this is a line from one of my poems, I have to learn to separate the hunger from the cravings.
Besides that, there’s always a setback. Every time I begin a new journey towards better health and getting into better shape I run into bumps in the road. That could mean a minor injury that bumps me off track or a moment of weakness and a bad eating night that bumps me of course and snowballs into a full regression. It’s at these times where my loneliness really hurts. Moments where I lose my balance and need someone to lean on to help regain it is the absolute worst. When I fail myself and there’s no one to lean on I then fall down and find myself feeling pretty low, lying on the ground for a while. There’s a lot of metaphor in this but it’s true. Yes I know I have a lot of friends who are more than willing to help me out but it’s not the same. It’s not the same as having that one person to confide everything in and who’s always there. My friends have their own lives and I won’t trouble them with all my silly problems and struggles. I dunno, I guess I’m weird that way. I offer myself to any and all my friends in their times of need but feel strange asking the same of them. I’m trying to get to a point where I don’t need to lean on anyone but myself but who knows if I’ll ever get there. I do know I always have a hard time asking for help… too much pride and too much of my father in me (He was quite stubborn and prideful).
Hopefully I’ll turn these bad situations into good ones but until I do something about it, for now it’s only words. Speaking of words…
The Poetry:
Still no word yet on when and where I will perform at the 2011 Buffalo Infringement Festival. All I can say is me and my Spoken word/poetry show “Young Hearts and Old Minds” will be on sometime from July 28th to August 7th, somewhere in the city. I should find out any day now. Of course when I do there will be hoopla on my end… lots of hoopla. I am going to make the obligatory facebook event page for it, plus there will be flyers and then I’ll start talking to people as far as helping out in various ways, recording it on video, etc. So keep those 11 days FREE, hahahahaha!
In the meantime I’ve been writing more and more poetry. The 2 pieces I’ve finished this week (“Let Go” and “Hope, parts 1 & 2) are most likely going to be part of my show and I’m working on several more. I wouldn’t say I’ve been writing 1 a day but they are coming out fast and furious lately. Hopefully some of them are good! Between now and then I’m going to read at a few open mics. One I’m looking at is “Spit at Spot” at Spot Coffee downtown on Thursday evenings, plus maybe some others at the Screening Room, EM Tea Coffeecup Café and so on. I have been rehearsing nearly every day and that will intensify as we get closer. I really want to deliver these pieces to you flawlessly with the accents on the right words, at the right pace, with the clearest voice and with the raw emotion they were written with. Somehow I think I’ll be okay. I can’t wait!
I’ve said enough to know I’ve said too much.
:)
E
The weather! It’s been so nice of late and I constantly want to be outside. Whether it’s going for a bike ride, a long walk or sitting somewhere and absorbing life, I want to do it all! Being inside for too long is making me edgy these days… just ask my co-workers, ha! I love it so much I almost want to throw the tent out into the backyard and sleep outside! Perhaps a camping trip is coming soon.
It seems there are at least 2 cool outdoor concerts each week, plus there’s baseball games, an evolving waterfront (they just opened a food shack “Clinton’s Dish” down there!), outdoor festivals every weekend and so much more going on. If you have air conditioning I understand why you might want to stay inside for periods of time but I will say this to you, THIS is what we suffer all winter for. These few warm, active months are to be enjoyed!
If you are one of those people who want to get out more but don’t know where the party is, never fear! In the very near future I am going to be releasing Crazy Eddie’s Event Calendar spotlighting some of the best things to do around Buffalo. All I will be doing is just compiling a list of great events and things to do and sharing it with you. I do this for myself all the time anyway and lately I’ve started sharing that list with a few of my friends and it’s occurred to me, why not share it with everyone, you know since I’m putting in the time anyway. Hopefully I can help you and yours find some fun things to do this summer that you might not have known about otherwise. I’m not sure if I am just going to post it as a blog/note or if I will make a weekly video spotlighting some of the best things to do that week. Perhaps I will do both. Stay tuned to see the first installment this week!
For those of you who missed out on my Best of 2011, Volume One CD from last month, don’t fear! You are obviously not as cool as those who got a copy 4 weeks ago but I still have several left so that you can salvage your reputation before it’s too late! Obviously I’m kidding (am I?) but I do have a handful more to give away and since I carry my backpack with me almost everywhere I go and/or I wear lots of cargo shorts with CD sized pockets, if you see me out and about there’s a good chance I’ll have a few on me! I may make an additional run of 10-15 more to give out at my poetry show in a few weeks but I’ll have more on that later in this blog.
The Bad:
I used to think I did things because I had a hunger for life, experiences and adventures no matter how small or insignificant they seemed. It’s always taken very little to make me happy, to keep me entertained. While to an extent that is still very true nowadays I feel like my activities are distractions. I feel like I’m doing things so I’ll forget how lonely I am. It certainly works because this has been a great week right up until yesterday where not coincidently I spent the evening at home doing very little. When I am out doing things I’m not thinking about the things I wish I was doing, so to speak. I used to be against such thinking, when friends would tell me they keep busy so they don’t think about all the crap in their lives, I used to scoff at that and think to myself that if you have stuff bothering you why not figure it out. But sometimes there are no easy answers and I guess now I can relate, except there isn’t a lot of crap in my life. A lot of things are good but it seems I spend a lot of my idle time thinking about the few things that aren’t right. What’s up with that?!?
I feel so isolated when I’m alone and I keep wondering if I will always feel this way. I really wish I had someone that I could share a connection with. I wish I had a companion, a partner, a woman who would indulge me and my crazy ideas and whom I could indulge. The most recent female I had a thing for, it turns out she is involved with someone and has a young child… although I never saw her out with the child or the guy, always alone. Oh well, guess I’ll find a new crush. It can take me anywhere from a few minutes to a few years to find one. I genuinely like so few women that I can’t predict how long it will take to be smitten again. Smitten is pretty nice though. Still I hope one day to have what many of you have… closeness, intimacy, a connection and someone who really cares about what you need, what you want, how you feel or what you are thinking.
I’m starting a new exercise routine this weekend with an eye towards what I eat and it feels like it’s the 50th time I’ve done such a thing. It feels that way because it probably is! I’ll keep trying I guess until I get it right. I know what you are thinking; why is this under the “bad” category? I’ve included it here because I’ve done some bad things in recent months to get me to this place. The fact that I have to saddle up and give it another go with a new exercise and diet deal means I’ve made some bad choices. I’m usually a glass half full kind of guy but until I start doing good things and making good choices I’m a bad boy. For me the test is consistent moderation in servings and staying active. It’s really that simple on paper. In reality, and this is a line from one of my poems, I have to learn to separate the hunger from the cravings.
Besides that, there’s always a setback. Every time I begin a new journey towards better health and getting into better shape I run into bumps in the road. That could mean a minor injury that bumps me off track or a moment of weakness and a bad eating night that bumps me of course and snowballs into a full regression. It’s at these times where my loneliness really hurts. Moments where I lose my balance and need someone to lean on to help regain it is the absolute worst. When I fail myself and there’s no one to lean on I then fall down and find myself feeling pretty low, lying on the ground for a while. There’s a lot of metaphor in this but it’s true. Yes I know I have a lot of friends who are more than willing to help me out but it’s not the same. It’s not the same as having that one person to confide everything in and who’s always there. My friends have their own lives and I won’t trouble them with all my silly problems and struggles. I dunno, I guess I’m weird that way. I offer myself to any and all my friends in their times of need but feel strange asking the same of them. I’m trying to get to a point where I don’t need to lean on anyone but myself but who knows if I’ll ever get there. I do know I always have a hard time asking for help… too much pride and too much of my father in me (He was quite stubborn and prideful).
Hopefully I’ll turn these bad situations into good ones but until I do something about it, for now it’s only words. Speaking of words…
The Poetry:
Still no word yet on when and where I will perform at the 2011 Buffalo Infringement Festival. All I can say is me and my Spoken word/poetry show “Young Hearts and Old Minds” will be on sometime from July 28th to August 7th, somewhere in the city. I should find out any day now. Of course when I do there will be hoopla on my end… lots of hoopla. I am going to make the obligatory facebook event page for it, plus there will be flyers and then I’ll start talking to people as far as helping out in various ways, recording it on video, etc. So keep those 11 days FREE, hahahahaha!
In the meantime I’ve been writing more and more poetry. The 2 pieces I’ve finished this week (“Let Go” and “Hope, parts 1 & 2) are most likely going to be part of my show and I’m working on several more. I wouldn’t say I’ve been writing 1 a day but they are coming out fast and furious lately. Hopefully some of them are good! Between now and then I’m going to read at a few open mics. One I’m looking at is “Spit at Spot” at Spot Coffee downtown on Thursday evenings, plus maybe some others at the Screening Room, EM Tea Coffeecup Café and so on. I have been rehearsing nearly every day and that will intensify as we get closer. I really want to deliver these pieces to you flawlessly with the accents on the right words, at the right pace, with the clearest voice and with the raw emotion they were written with. Somehow I think I’ll be okay. I can’t wait!
I’ve said enough to know I’ve said too much.
:)
E
Friday, June 17, 2011
Down and Up
I want to thank everyone who helped to cheer me up yesterday. It really helped and I really appreciated it. Although I tried to keep myself away from writing while I felt gloomy, you are what you eat. That's right, I eat words. So here's what came out. It's a bit of rambling free flowing jibberish but it made me feel a lot better. I call this Down and Up. It's easy to understand and reflects the roller coaster ride I have with my emotions sometimes.
Down & Up
Most of the days are sunny
Finding joy in the mundane
Thinking optimistic thoughts
Wishing and being hopeful
Believing in balance, love and dreams
Everything is great
Until something turns the mood
It can be the smallest thing
A rejection, an unwelcome change, meanness or disrespect
Sluggish indifference arrives
I don’t want to do anything
I don’t want to leave the house
I can’t be seen
My large heart can’t find anything to wear
I can’t care about tomorrow, next week or the next life
When all I need are the next 5 minutes
So I take the moment with my hands
And squeeze it for all it’s worth
Ringing out superficial smiles
It’s better than none at all
I feel heavy and tired
With the burden of getting it right
Sometimes people are too much
And at times like this I wish I had one
To keep me from going too far away
To keep me from doing stupid things
Booming belief turns into empty reality
When I think of the things I haven’t done
I start to think of my regrets
As I tumble further down the hole
I wonder if time is running out
And the good times are behind me
Will I ever find that which I value most?
Or will I always be alone
The burden deepens
I find more temporary satisfaction
From the most primal of places
To stop the pain for a few
The scars of this war are numerous
From a lifelong fight with myself
I know my strengths and my weaknesses
I know when my strength is weakest
And when my weakness is strongest
Another round scored against me
Finally I can’t take the jabs any longer
I march out the door in search of a cure
I try not to look at anyone
Because I want no one to see me
Yet I know I’m only climbing out if someone extends a hand
Take a walk around a corner
I know it’s only a matter of time
Until some silly thing brings me back
It’s so easy to make me happy
But also so easy to hurt me
This is why I keep business hours
Vulnerability makes me a people person
Who doesn’t always want to be around people
Trying to remind myself that time unhappy is time wasted
Emotions overpower logic
I can think of no greater example than love
Giving yourself to someone
Trusting someone so deeply
Believing that you’ve found one person
That will never hurt you and always be there
That’s not logical either
What’s love got to do with it?
What’s logic got to do with it?
Waves of delight crashing against rough shores
Bracing myself only makes it hurt more
What have I learned?
Where do I think I’m going with that look on my face?
I see a pretty girl, a cool hat
A car drives by playing something I like
Life slows down and becomes attractive
My mind slows as well
A voice says take it in you fool, it’s wonderful
Again I grow curious
My imagination perks up
My eyes open wide
The out of body experience ends
I return to smiles and whispers
I return to nod and sway
I return to my favorite way
Where have I been all week to forget to enjoy these days?
I wear this one with pride
Before I know it I’m happy again
Again I am in love.
Down & Up
Most of the days are sunny
Finding joy in the mundane
Thinking optimistic thoughts
Wishing and being hopeful
Believing in balance, love and dreams
Everything is great
Until something turns the mood
It can be the smallest thing
A rejection, an unwelcome change, meanness or disrespect
Sluggish indifference arrives
I don’t want to do anything
I don’t want to leave the house
I can’t be seen
My large heart can’t find anything to wear
I can’t care about tomorrow, next week or the next life
When all I need are the next 5 minutes
So I take the moment with my hands
And squeeze it for all it’s worth
Ringing out superficial smiles
It’s better than none at all
I feel heavy and tired
With the burden of getting it right
Sometimes people are too much
And at times like this I wish I had one
To keep me from going too far away
To keep me from doing stupid things
Booming belief turns into empty reality
When I think of the things I haven’t done
I start to think of my regrets
As I tumble further down the hole
I wonder if time is running out
And the good times are behind me
Will I ever find that which I value most?
Or will I always be alone
The burden deepens
I find more temporary satisfaction
From the most primal of places
To stop the pain for a few
The scars of this war are numerous
From a lifelong fight with myself
I know my strengths and my weaknesses
I know when my strength is weakest
And when my weakness is strongest
Another round scored against me
Finally I can’t take the jabs any longer
I march out the door in search of a cure
I try not to look at anyone
Because I want no one to see me
Yet I know I’m only climbing out if someone extends a hand
Take a walk around a corner
I know it’s only a matter of time
Until some silly thing brings me back
It’s so easy to make me happy
But also so easy to hurt me
This is why I keep business hours
Vulnerability makes me a people person
Who doesn’t always want to be around people
Trying to remind myself that time unhappy is time wasted
Emotions overpower logic
I can think of no greater example than love
Giving yourself to someone
Trusting someone so deeply
Believing that you’ve found one person
That will never hurt you and always be there
That’s not logical either
What’s love got to do with it?
What’s logic got to do with it?
Waves of delight crashing against rough shores
Bracing myself only makes it hurt more
What have I learned?
Where do I think I’m going with that look on my face?
I see a pretty girl, a cool hat
A car drives by playing something I like
Life slows down and becomes attractive
My mind slows as well
A voice says take it in you fool, it’s wonderful
Again I grow curious
My imagination perks up
My eyes open wide
The out of body experience ends
I return to smiles and whispers
I return to nod and sway
I return to my favorite way
Where have I been all week to forget to enjoy these days?
I wear this one with pride
Before I know it I’m happy again
Again I am in love.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Getting Rapture-Ready! (5-20-11)
With the rapture only hours away I started thinking, what’s the deal with the rapture? As far as I know all the Christian believers will go to heaven. Is that all there is to it? There are plenty of bad people who believe, do they get to go too? I mean they believe… they just don’t care. Do they get to go? Or does the fact they are bad predispose them to being non-believers despite them thinking they are true believers? Forgive my ignorance on the subject but I am a skeptic. I’m one of those people who would like to believe but simply cannot without proof of some kind. If you are the religious sort you would be happy to know that I do follow many of the moral lessons and guidelines suggested by the good book despite my reluctance to accept everything I’m told as the gospel, pun intended.
My case of disbelief would certainly be alleviated tomorrow once I see Jesus guiding souls to heaven. Then I’d know why I wanted to believe most of my life, because way in the back of my mind I did! It would just take the sight of Mr. Christ to trigger it and fix that problem. So maybe, just maybe as a last second believer I would get to go to the promised land after all. With that in mind it just occurred to me, I may be going on a huge trip in a few hours! I should make my rapture list. We’ll call it things to do before I’m saved tomorrow:
Things to do before I’m saved:
1. Survive a zombie attack: I’ve always wanted to be in a zombie movie and get attacked by brain starved zombies. Of course I always wanted to survive the attack too. Sadly just this week the CDC released this guide on how to survive a zombie attack: http://emergency.cdc.gov/socialmedia/zombies_blog.asp Unless I get attacked by zombies tonight or sometime tomorrow, I’ll never get a chance to use what I’ve learned. Oh well.
2. Get caught up in a scandal: I’ve always wanted to be caught up in a scandal. I don’t mean murder or something illegal, just something scandalous that everyone will gossip about. For instance I could replace the usual coffee with decaf today. Since I don’t drink coffee here at work and never go near the coffeemaker no one would think it was me. Plus I’ll plant an empty decaf coffee packet on top of the trash, walk by and say, “Hey guys, when did you switch to decaf?” Then sit back and let the scandal run its course with everyone pointing fingers and accusing everyone else of switching the coffee. Muhahahahaha!
3. Send everyone I love and value emails: If you receive an email or message from me today or tomorrow you can be sure you are someone I love, value and cherish. It would make sense to say goodbye. However, if we both end up on the same trip, we’ll have a good laugh while we think about all the suckers, err non-believers left behind.
4. Arroz con Pollo: If I’m going away I really feel like I should have a fine Arroz con Pollo dinner before I go. There’s no telling if they have Latin food in heaven… now that I think about it, is there food in heaven? Do you get hungry in the afterlife? Let’s see, hunger is a by-product of the body and since we will no longer have our bodies maybe things like a need for sleep, food, cleaning and sex will be things of the past. Which leads me to…
5. Have sex: Gosh I’m sure going to miss sex in the afterlife. Considering how long it’s been for me, you’d think I was raptured years ago. I’m thinking J.C. and his dad may frown upon cheap meaningless sex right before the journey so obviously I need to make it meaningful. It’s clear what I need to do. I need to find someone, get married and then have marital relations before 6pm tomorrow. Any takers?
6. Pretend the Bills have won the Super Bowl and/or the Sabres the Stanley Cup: I’m going to have to take a few minutes and pretend that the impossible has happened… no not the rapture, I’ll have to pretend that Buffalo won a major sports championship and then act accordingly. I've always thought I'd see the day at some point point in my lifetime but now with my life flashing before my eyes it's time to wing it. I’m thinking if I jump up and down while screaming for 10 minutes, then cry for 10 more and then polish off that bottle of Kahlua on my counter, that should do it.
7. Play someone a song with a musical instrument: Sadly I never learned how to play piano well BUT I can play one note/finger at a time so if I could find someone who has a birthday tomorrow or soon perhaps I could play them a celebratory version of “Happy Birthday” or maybe even “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” if they prefer. NOTE: I can also play Biz Markie’s “Just a Friend” so my offer extends to the lovelorn and heartbroken.
8. Learn a new dance: Thankfully I might be spending my last night on earth at Soul Night so I’m thinking I could learn a new dance there but I have a fall back plan just in case. There’s this other dance I’m thinking of learning. It’s real easy to do. First you limp to the side like your leg was broken, shakin’ and twitchin’ kind of like you were smokin’…
9. Read my poetry in public: Oh wait, I did this 3 times already. Where were you? For all you know I’m really good. Only one way to find out: see me next at Caffe Aroma on Monday night June 6th at 9pm. Yeah, I worked in a plug for a post-rapture gig. See, that makes me edgy and cool.
10. Write a list of 10 things to do before I’m saved: Check!
Lastly I admit there are some things I was planning to do but now just don’t see the need.
Things I wont do:
-Fix my bike: Maybe if I had 3 days to go
-Get an enhanced license: Who needs to get in Canada when you can get into Heaven!
-Save money: Don’t need money where I’m going… but need money where I am going TONIGHT!
-Q-tip my ears: I did it this morning. I think I am now good for all eternity
-Get a haircut: I think Jesus will appreciate my commitment to long flowing hair and sandals.
By the way, just kidding about all the rapture stuff. If you feel like you are going to be saved tomorrow I’m happy for you… if I haven’t offended you, put in a good word for me.
My case of disbelief would certainly be alleviated tomorrow once I see Jesus guiding souls to heaven. Then I’d know why I wanted to believe most of my life, because way in the back of my mind I did! It would just take the sight of Mr. Christ to trigger it and fix that problem. So maybe, just maybe as a last second believer I would get to go to the promised land after all. With that in mind it just occurred to me, I may be going on a huge trip in a few hours! I should make my rapture list. We’ll call it things to do before I’m saved tomorrow:
Things to do before I’m saved:
1. Survive a zombie attack: I’ve always wanted to be in a zombie movie and get attacked by brain starved zombies. Of course I always wanted to survive the attack too. Sadly just this week the CDC released this guide on how to survive a zombie attack: http://emergency.cdc.gov/socialmedia/zombies_blog.asp Unless I get attacked by zombies tonight or sometime tomorrow, I’ll never get a chance to use what I’ve learned. Oh well.
2. Get caught up in a scandal: I’ve always wanted to be caught up in a scandal. I don’t mean murder or something illegal, just something scandalous that everyone will gossip about. For instance I could replace the usual coffee with decaf today. Since I don’t drink coffee here at work and never go near the coffeemaker no one would think it was me. Plus I’ll plant an empty decaf coffee packet on top of the trash, walk by and say, “Hey guys, when did you switch to decaf?” Then sit back and let the scandal run its course with everyone pointing fingers and accusing everyone else of switching the coffee. Muhahahahaha!
3. Send everyone I love and value emails: If you receive an email or message from me today or tomorrow you can be sure you are someone I love, value and cherish. It would make sense to say goodbye. However, if we both end up on the same trip, we’ll have a good laugh while we think about all the suckers, err non-believers left behind.
4. Arroz con Pollo: If I’m going away I really feel like I should have a fine Arroz con Pollo dinner before I go. There’s no telling if they have Latin food in heaven… now that I think about it, is there food in heaven? Do you get hungry in the afterlife? Let’s see, hunger is a by-product of the body and since we will no longer have our bodies maybe things like a need for sleep, food, cleaning and sex will be things of the past. Which leads me to…
5. Have sex: Gosh I’m sure going to miss sex in the afterlife. Considering how long it’s been for me, you’d think I was raptured years ago. I’m thinking J.C. and his dad may frown upon cheap meaningless sex right before the journey so obviously I need to make it meaningful. It’s clear what I need to do. I need to find someone, get married and then have marital relations before 6pm tomorrow. Any takers?
6. Pretend the Bills have won the Super Bowl and/or the Sabres the Stanley Cup: I’m going to have to take a few minutes and pretend that the impossible has happened… no not the rapture, I’ll have to pretend that Buffalo won a major sports championship and then act accordingly. I've always thought I'd see the day at some point point in my lifetime but now with my life flashing before my eyes it's time to wing it. I’m thinking if I jump up and down while screaming for 10 minutes, then cry for 10 more and then polish off that bottle of Kahlua on my counter, that should do it.
7. Play someone a song with a musical instrument: Sadly I never learned how to play piano well BUT I can play one note/finger at a time so if I could find someone who has a birthday tomorrow or soon perhaps I could play them a celebratory version of “Happy Birthday” or maybe even “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” if they prefer. NOTE: I can also play Biz Markie’s “Just a Friend” so my offer extends to the lovelorn and heartbroken.
8. Learn a new dance: Thankfully I might be spending my last night on earth at Soul Night so I’m thinking I could learn a new dance there but I have a fall back plan just in case. There’s this other dance I’m thinking of learning. It’s real easy to do. First you limp to the side like your leg was broken, shakin’ and twitchin’ kind of like you were smokin’…
9. Read my poetry in public: Oh wait, I did this 3 times already. Where were you? For all you know I’m really good. Only one way to find out: see me next at Caffe Aroma on Monday night June 6th at 9pm. Yeah, I worked in a plug for a post-rapture gig. See, that makes me edgy and cool.
10. Write a list of 10 things to do before I’m saved: Check!
Lastly I admit there are some things I was planning to do but now just don’t see the need.
Things I wont do:
-Fix my bike: Maybe if I had 3 days to go
-Get an enhanced license: Who needs to get in Canada when you can get into Heaven!
-Save money: Don’t need money where I’m going… but need money where I am going TONIGHT!
-Q-tip my ears: I did it this morning. I think I am now good for all eternity
-Get a haircut: I think Jesus will appreciate my commitment to long flowing hair and sandals.
By the way, just kidding about all the rapture stuff. If you feel like you are going to be saved tomorrow I’m happy for you… if I haven’t offended you, put in a good word for me.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Keep it simple (5-19-11)
So last night I find myself watching reruns of Cheers on the TV Land channel at 2am. I remember how much I used to love watching that show. It reminds me of a simpler time in my life and more than that I marvel at the simplicity of the characters and the writing. They come to the same place every day, do the same thing and have the times of their lives. Yes on occasion they venture outside of Cheers to do or see other things but when they do they bring “Cheers” with them. Does that make sense to you? These people live within the confines of their happy place and wherever they go they take it with them. It sounds so simple… and beautiful.
“The only true gift is a portion of yourself” –Ralph Waldo Emerson
I’m the type of person who loves to try new things and go on little adventures. I think it adds spice to life. I’m also the type of person who likes some stability and consistency to fall back on when I come back from the adventures. I need a good base otherwise I have nothing to build on. I can’t have the frosting without a nice cake under it. Okay, I think you get it. The problem I think I sometimes have is that I don’t always bring “myself” when I go out and do these things. I used to think I was very shy and anti-social but I don’t believe that anymore. I now think I’m simply very untrusting of people, especially those I don’t know. I don’t bring myself out until I feel like it’s safe to come out, so to speak. I talk in intermittent spurts while my mind is racing and reading trying to figure out the person or people in front of me. I’m always thinking. Can I share part of myself with these people? Do I WANT to share myself with this person? Will they judge me? Will they or could they hurt me if I open up a bit? Do they even deserve to get any of me? I know that last one sounded a bit arrogant but screw that, I’m not wasting time or myself around ignorant people or people who give me bad vibes/energy. There’s no use giving love, joy or hope to someone who has none of things and does not want to receive them. I try to put out good energy but I’m not going to use a spray bottle on a raging inferno. Anyway as you can see, I feel strongly about it but maybe not so much that I should assume 98% of the people I meet are this way.
“The aspects of things that are most important to us are hidden because of their simplicity and familiarity.” -Ludwig Wittgenstein
The problem is that I hold on too tight. I have to find a middle ground between gullible and skeptical, between discerning and overlooking. The past few years I’ve opened up a little more and those who know me can probably see it. A couple years ago I was a very private, very reclusive person who generally would only give things away in the form of a blog rather than in person. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I’ve been blogging a lot less this year. It’s not because I grow tired of blogging or that I have nothing to say. It’s because I’m letting more things out of me around real people so I have less for the online peeps.
“Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity” -Charles Mingus
This whole thing is about me letting go and being me no matter what or where the circumstances. It’s what I strive to be. It would seem like a basic thing, just be yourself all the time. But with all the phonies out there and the hiding in here it can be a real challenge. I just have to remind myself from time to time it’s all about keeping it simple.
“I believe that a simple and unassuming manner of life is best for everyone, best both for the body and the mind.” – Albert Einstein
“The only true gift is a portion of yourself” –Ralph Waldo Emerson
I’m the type of person who loves to try new things and go on little adventures. I think it adds spice to life. I’m also the type of person who likes some stability and consistency to fall back on when I come back from the adventures. I need a good base otherwise I have nothing to build on. I can’t have the frosting without a nice cake under it. Okay, I think you get it. The problem I think I sometimes have is that I don’t always bring “myself” when I go out and do these things. I used to think I was very shy and anti-social but I don’t believe that anymore. I now think I’m simply very untrusting of people, especially those I don’t know. I don’t bring myself out until I feel like it’s safe to come out, so to speak. I talk in intermittent spurts while my mind is racing and reading trying to figure out the person or people in front of me. I’m always thinking. Can I share part of myself with these people? Do I WANT to share myself with this person? Will they judge me? Will they or could they hurt me if I open up a bit? Do they even deserve to get any of me? I know that last one sounded a bit arrogant but screw that, I’m not wasting time or myself around ignorant people or people who give me bad vibes/energy. There’s no use giving love, joy or hope to someone who has none of things and does not want to receive them. I try to put out good energy but I’m not going to use a spray bottle on a raging inferno. Anyway as you can see, I feel strongly about it but maybe not so much that I should assume 98% of the people I meet are this way.
“The aspects of things that are most important to us are hidden because of their simplicity and familiarity.” -Ludwig Wittgenstein
The problem is that I hold on too tight. I have to find a middle ground between gullible and skeptical, between discerning and overlooking. The past few years I’ve opened up a little more and those who know me can probably see it. A couple years ago I was a very private, very reclusive person who generally would only give things away in the form of a blog rather than in person. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I’ve been blogging a lot less this year. It’s not because I grow tired of blogging or that I have nothing to say. It’s because I’m letting more things out of me around real people so I have less for the online peeps.
“Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity” -Charles Mingus
This whole thing is about me letting go and being me no matter what or where the circumstances. It’s what I strive to be. It would seem like a basic thing, just be yourself all the time. But with all the phonies out there and the hiding in here it can be a real challenge. I just have to remind myself from time to time it’s all about keeping it simple.
“I believe that a simple and unassuming manner of life is best for everyone, best both for the body and the mind.” – Albert Einstein
Monday, April 18, 2011
Another year, another radio show (4-18-11)
As the days led up to my annual return at WBNY’s Alumni Weekend I felt the butterflies multiplying. Even at my peak when I did 3-4 shows a week I would always be nervous before each show. I was nervous because I am a person who worries. I’m always thinking and always trying to lay out the 5 minutes in front of me. I want to do well and more importantly I don’t want to mess up. Never mind the fact that college radio is generally pretty silly and mistakes happen all the time. College radio at it’s essence is a “great” mistake.
I’m sure it still applies but back in the day some shows were known more for what went wrong than for what went right. I always wanted it to be right. I was a bit of a perfectionist. I wanted good albeit non-commercial, rebellious mic breaks that flowed without stumbling on any words. I wanted tight transitions from song to song, song to commercials and vice versa. On occasion I accomplished this. Once in a while I did a show where nothing went wrong and I’d feel a great deal of satisfaction. Other times the mistakes would be quite minor and I could convince myself the pros outweighed the cons but there were other times where something would not work out, or I didn’t do something very well and it would bother me for a bit until I realized how I could learn from it. It’s this internal competitiveness I have. I want to be the best I can at the things I’m throwing myself into. It doesn’t run externally. I never compared myself to the other shows. I just tried to live up to my own standards.
This week I felt some of the same concerns and expectations pull me. I’m the guy who’d used to have so much of my shows planned out. Not so much on the music end but on the production end, talking, commercials, writing, etc. Coming into this week I wanted the show to be big. I wanted to create some new commercials for this year. I wanted to dress up the show with production work and writing. I wanted to put together many note cards with topics, ideas and things I wanted to cover in my mic breaks. But something inside me, maybe wisdom, intervened and instead of trying to be something extraordinary and putting the weight of a moment on my shoulders I would just be. I was just going to show up with hopefully a few friends in tow, relax and simply enjoy something I love to do. I would wing it the whole show. I knew how to do it. I knew how to identify the station regularly on breaks, plug the alumni weekend, talk about the other shows and give the audience the information it needed. Despite my amateur status I’ve always had the instincts of a pro.
Saturday came and went and I did indeed go with the “wing it” approach and you know what? It was fine. I wasn’t perfect on the mic. There were about 60 songs I wished I could have played and there are things I wished I had done before the show to help enhance it but I’m okay with it. Just “be”. I had a bunch of friends come out to meet me a few hours before the show and many of them accompanied me to the air studio for a large chunk of my overnight madness. We drank beer and wine and laughed and danced. I had so much fun and having friends out there with me helped me to get out of my head and let go.
Sunday came with a slight hangover and some great feelings. I say that my 2011 Alumni Weekend radio show and adventure was a success and I also say it was as much thanks to you as it was to me. Thank you my friends near and far for all the love. I find myself doing all these crazy things and going on all these silly adventures making films, reading poetry, doing radio shows, creating and handing out mixtapes and who knows what else and time after time when I put myself out there my friends are there to support me. It gives me joy and strength and the passion inside of me to create, to imagine, to climb and to go for it burns brighter all the time knowing I have a solid foundation of people behind me. Thank you!
I’m sure it still applies but back in the day some shows were known more for what went wrong than for what went right. I always wanted it to be right. I was a bit of a perfectionist. I wanted good albeit non-commercial, rebellious mic breaks that flowed without stumbling on any words. I wanted tight transitions from song to song, song to commercials and vice versa. On occasion I accomplished this. Once in a while I did a show where nothing went wrong and I’d feel a great deal of satisfaction. Other times the mistakes would be quite minor and I could convince myself the pros outweighed the cons but there were other times where something would not work out, or I didn’t do something very well and it would bother me for a bit until I realized how I could learn from it. It’s this internal competitiveness I have. I want to be the best I can at the things I’m throwing myself into. It doesn’t run externally. I never compared myself to the other shows. I just tried to live up to my own standards.
This week I felt some of the same concerns and expectations pull me. I’m the guy who’d used to have so much of my shows planned out. Not so much on the music end but on the production end, talking, commercials, writing, etc. Coming into this week I wanted the show to be big. I wanted to create some new commercials for this year. I wanted to dress up the show with production work and writing. I wanted to put together many note cards with topics, ideas and things I wanted to cover in my mic breaks. But something inside me, maybe wisdom, intervened and instead of trying to be something extraordinary and putting the weight of a moment on my shoulders I would just be. I was just going to show up with hopefully a few friends in tow, relax and simply enjoy something I love to do. I would wing it the whole show. I knew how to do it. I knew how to identify the station regularly on breaks, plug the alumni weekend, talk about the other shows and give the audience the information it needed. Despite my amateur status I’ve always had the instincts of a pro.
Saturday came and went and I did indeed go with the “wing it” approach and you know what? It was fine. I wasn’t perfect on the mic. There were about 60 songs I wished I could have played and there are things I wished I had done before the show to help enhance it but I’m okay with it. Just “be”. I had a bunch of friends come out to meet me a few hours before the show and many of them accompanied me to the air studio for a large chunk of my overnight madness. We drank beer and wine and laughed and danced. I had so much fun and having friends out there with me helped me to get out of my head and let go.
Sunday came with a slight hangover and some great feelings. I say that my 2011 Alumni Weekend radio show and adventure was a success and I also say it was as much thanks to you as it was to me. Thank you my friends near and far for all the love. I find myself doing all these crazy things and going on all these silly adventures making films, reading poetry, doing radio shows, creating and handing out mixtapes and who knows what else and time after time when I put myself out there my friends are there to support me. It gives me joy and strength and the passion inside of me to create, to imagine, to climb and to go for it burns brighter all the time knowing I have a solid foundation of people behind me. Thank you!
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