the failure of Obama and the Democrats... (1-19-17)

Now that we are on the eve of the apocalypse, or Trump’s inauguration for those of you who aren’t political, can we now look at things clearly? Because we cannot continue to look at the world through rose-colored glasses or behind veils of denial any longer. The stakes have simply gotten too high. All I keep hearing lately is about how much people are going to miss President Obama. Ask the people of Yemen how much they’ll miss him between bombings. While you’re at it, ask pretty much any country in that region and you might not get the sentimental rhetoric we’re hearing from many Americans this week. Let’s be honest, a lot of that sentiment is a direct result of the stark contrast in personalities between Mr. Obama and the guy coming in next. Because of Trump and how he is, it makes Obama seem like he’s more than he is and to me he’s far less than that, politically speaking.

We can talk about Barack Obama’s wonderful exit speech last week but in reality I tuned him out a while back. I voted for him twice, one time enthusiastically (2008) and one time reluctantly (2012). The fact of the matter is I’ve never been more disappointed in a politician in my lifetime, partly because I feel like I was duped by him, since his message of hope and his many promises were never kept and partly because he himself set the bar incredibly high and failed to live up to it. He didn’t even come close. Yes he’s classy, extremely intelligent, an amazing orator, has a great temperament and he even seems like a cool dude, but as a president he’s failed miserably to deliver the hope and change he promised and had us believing he’d deliver. For the most part, he’s just delivered more of the same. Slightly better than George W. Bush wasn't what we signed up for. Why else would the nation feel like change was needed again? Think back to January 2009 when Obama was inaugurated… do you feel more hopeful now than on that day? Do you feel like the things that needed to change have changed? I feel like in some ways we are worse now because progress wasn't made. Yes I have health insurance, but since they didn’t go with a public option and kept private insurance companies involved, Obamacare hasn’t been as efficient or as effective as advertised, leaving the door open for extreme criticism from the other side and from those whose premiums keep going up. Yes it’s been a godsend for some, myself included but this year, instead of having several choices for which insurance I want, there was only 1 choice to “choose” from in the “marketplace”. The private insurance companies weren’t seeing enough profits through Obamacare so some of them took their ball and went home. There are many flaws in the ACA and now instead of fixing them and improving the imperfect but necessary program I fear the entire system will get discarded by the Republicans and IF it’s replaced at all, it will likely be replaced with some bogus voucher program that they’ve been talking about for the last 8 years that nobody but they and their business buddies want. Speaking of them, income inequality in this country is worse than it’s been since the 1920’s. This did not improve during Obama’s 2 terms. Major companies continue to merge into supercompanies and rich people still buy elections. Not a single crook who helped to destroy our economy before Obama's arrival did any jail time despite their business model being nothing more than fraud... are you kidding me?!? Civil Rights and voting rights seem to be evaporating every year in favor of increased rights and power for the corporate sector and the oligarchs. Crooked corporations were bailed out and are now stronger than they were before the recession but nearly half of Americans live in poverty. When do the people get bailed out? In a lot of ways, things are worse than they were in 2008. Why else would there be such a backlash in the form of Trump?

Fact: Obama is the first president EVER to have troops at war somewhere in the world for an entire 8-year presidency. Why? Remind me why we're doing it again? What are we fighting for? Why are we still there? Why are we constantly trying to topple regimes? Why are we so upset that other countries are trying to meddle in our elections? We’ve been doing it for decades! Perhaps the attempts to undermine our democracy have occurred as a direct consequence of our thirst for imperialism and our continued attempts to rule the world like some power hungry red, white and blue global dictator. Since the events of 9/11 and subsequent response we have been at perpetual war over in the Middle East. In 2 months we’re coming up on the 14^th anniversary of the United States having troops over there. You think all that war and fighting and arming of rebels is cheap? All those trillions used to fight abroad to protect the rich man’s lies and the rich man’s oil interests could have been used to provide public college and health care to citizens and there would have been plenty left over to modernize and repair our crumbling infrastructure. Notice I didn’t say “free” college or “free” health care. It’s time to drop that tired narrative. If you are a citizen of this country you have rights and you absolutely deserve certain things, especially from the richest country in the history of this world. Other major countries do this without issue and strangely their health care systems are more efficient and far less costly than others, hmmm. When you privatize the crap out of what should be essential systems and programs, all you are doing is creating a systemic division between haves and have nots, splitting up citizens in the name of profit. In terms of spending for the greater good, other countries see this as a moral obligation to their citizens; ours sees it as radical fantasy, a pipe dream while they dream about more pipelines. The fact of the matter is that trillions of “our” dollars have inexplicably been spent on things other than US, for terrible reasons and with many Americans dying both here and abroad as a result. Why people aren’t more up in arms over this when cities don’t have clean drinking water and several places suffer the effects of an antiquated infrastructure is beyond me. The naked truth is that our leadership has failed us, the Democrats especially. I blame the Democrats more than the Republicans because we know what we’re getting from the Republicans. They don’t hide it. Their playbook for several decades is to make the rich richer, privatize everything, worship golden idols, shrink social domestic spending, bloat military spending, tell everyone else what to do and piss on the poor. That’s trickle-down economics folks. We’ve already proven it doesn’t work. We’ve already proven that Republicans by and large do not do things with the best interests of everyone in mind, just the chosen few. Fighting for the rest of us was supposed to be the Democrats job. And don’t get me wrong, they still claim that they do this, but sadly their actions in recent years show otherwise and the results are telling. See the recent election trends for proof. Again, if Obama was so good, why have we gone in such a drastic, opposite direction? People are hurting, they're scared and they feel like no one is there for them so when a sleazy con man with no morals actually speaks to them and pretends to share the same values, the people are so happy that someone is actually speaking to them and for them that they'll overlook his historic flaws and come together in support of their new paper champion. You have to remember that values unite people while issues divide. If you speak to people's values, you can win. And win they did leaving the Democratic Party searching for answers. 

Let’s face it, the Democratic party is in trouble, big trouble. This is nothing new, but Trump may have been the coup de grace. We can talk about Gerrymandering, fake news, voter suppression, the so called liberal media and all this stuff but I saw a statistic recently that there are only 4 states in the entire country that have a democratic governor AND democratic state legislature. ONLY 4! That means in 46 states Republicans have control of one or both! That’s not winning folks. Do you remember in 2012 when Romney lost and the popular narrative was that the Republicans were out of touch with voters and regular people? That’s a half truth because BOTH parties are out of touch, clearly listening more to the money and the elites in their parties rather than the people. It’s taken a while but I think we’re starting to notice, hence the incredible popularity of Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump last year. One party establishment was just better at squashing their populist “outbreak”. While they succeeded in beating back the challenge of Bernie Sanders and the progressive movement he represents the Democrats have failed in almost every other endeavor. In fact, I think it’s safe to say the Democratic party is now a joke, but they don’t get it. Don’t believe me? In 2009 when Obama took office, there were 10 more Democratic Governors, 70 more Democratic representatives in the House and several more Democratic senators. In all the Democrats have lost over 900 federal and state seats since Obama was sworn in. What we have right now is the greatest concentration of Republican power since the time of Lincoln! If you want to go even further, if you eliminate the votes of the 2 biggest coastal states, California and New York, both of which are decidedly blue, Trump beat Hillary by over 3 million votes in the popular vote of the remaining 48. They can point fingers and cast blame all they want but the reality is that the Democrats simply have lost the people. How else could you explain such results? The party’s handpicked successor represented more of the same and in a country with an enormous appetite for change, it says a lot that the people would rather choose a rich celebrity with no experience over a highly qualified but deeply flawed candidate who represented the worst of the party when it came to corporate connections and who lacked a real message. Trump and Sanders had strong messages that resonated with the people. We can debate how authentic that message was when it comes to Trump but he was smart enough to tell the people what they wanted to hear in a way that made them believe him. He spoke to the people while Democrats spoke at them. Try as the tone-deaf Democrats could, even with President Obama strongly behind Hillary Clinton, the fractured, fallen party could not beat arguably the worst candidate in history. Think about that. For something that unbelievable to happen I think it’s safe to say that the party was not and is not in tune with the people. Instead of blaming millennials, the Russians, Wikileaks, Bernie or busters, racists, white men, Faux News or whatever, just stop. Stop and think about what’s happened, be honest about why it did and fix it Democrats. If you refuse to accept this responsibility one of 2 things will happen: a grassroots fight for a 3^rd major party could be on the way that will further weaken the Dems or the Republicans will earn even more seats in the near future so that their majority will become so lopsided that the Bill of Rights and many of our other freedoms might be at risk! It's hard to swallow but what’s done is done. The Democratic establishment has no one to blame but themselves for losing their way but what we need now is a dramatic reversal before it's too late. We can't go to them, they must come back to us.

Now that we are in President Obama’s final moments it’s natural to look back, reflect, take account of what was, what is and what could have been. I’m going to look back at Barack Obama as an incredibly historic but failed president, who could have been one of the greatest of all time but instead presided over the potential death of the Democratic Party as we know it and because he and they have failed us, we are looking into the teeth of the beast. 

The power of the dark side (12-28-16)

I could have been seriously hurt or worse today. This morning, I came downstairs to go to work. I went to the bike rack in front of the house and my bike wasn't the only one locked up. There was the yellow mongoose that I hadn't seen for weeks locked up on the other side of the rack. When I first moved into my apartment about 2 months ago, that yellow mongoose was locked up to the rack all the time, every night. I assumed it was someone who lived in my building. A few weeks ago it disappeared. I figured the person who owned it brought it inside due to the weather, same as I did a few weeks ago. When the weather improved at the end of last week and the snow started to melt away, I brought my bike out again and have been using it pretty much since Friday.

So I unlocked my bike but before I got on it to ride off I noticed something. The quick release handle to lock the back tire in place was open. I took a closer look and someone had nearly completely loosened my back tire. I say nearly because if they had loosened it completely the nuts and bolts would have fallen out/off. Also the back tire wasn’t in the fork on one side. Intense anger started coursing through me, someone sabotaged my bike! Were they hoping I would have just gotten on, tried to pedal and do a brutal faceplant? I was fortunate I noticed it was tampered with. Once I re-aligned the back tire and tightened it, I begin my ride to work. I was seething. If only I had caught the person doing it. I would have beat them to an inch of their life. How dare they!

I got about a half block down, barely able to focus on what I was doing when I looked down and my mouth hung open. The handle on my front tire was open and that tire was loosened too! And I’ve been riding for a half block on it! I stopped immediately. In my anger I wasn’t thinking clearly enough to check other parts of the bike before departing. Thankfully I hadn’t made and turns or sudden movements. I was just coasting that half block. Again, the tire was loosened but not all the way where the nuts would have fallen off. The person who did this knew something about bikes. I tightened the front tire, checked everything else on the bike and then finally made my way into work.

Although at first I thought it might have been one of the drunk people coming out of the bar next to my building late last night, the precision in which this was done makes me think the person who did this knows their way around a bike. They knew just how to sabotage it to make it less noticeable. They had a working knowledge of quick release bike tires. The anger had me throbbing. I would never do that to someone else, why would someone do that to me? Because my bike was there? Truth is… they wanted me to crash. They wanted me to get hurt. Now I BADLY want to know who did it.

I’m a loving person. There is a lot of light within me but much like the course of a day, there is also night. I have a dark side. I do my best to hide it, to suppress it, to keep the nights short but external forces pull it out from time to time. I am afraid of it. I’m afraid one day it will get completely loose. There is so much rage and anger inside of me for all those times I let people get away with rotten things. For all those times I had every right to be upset but I fought back the urge to lash out, explode, seek revenge or retribution and took the high road. It’s all stored within me. I’ve never forgotten a person who wronged me or whose injustice was never answered for. People say; you have to learn to let it go. If it were only that easy. Tell Batman to let it go. Tell an elephant to let it go. I remember emotion easier than anything else. I’ve been thinking about this, stewing about this all day. Why would someone want to sabotage my bike? If someone did this to another person’s car, it would be a felony wouldn’t it? Attempted assault! Who would have a motive to hurt me?

I’ve barely spoken to the people in my building and the nearby ones. As usual, I’m not friendly but I am nice. I’ve held doors for people; I’ve helped carry things for others. I’ve even redistributed the mail and given people theirs when the post office mixes it up. I don’t know and haven’t seen everyone in my building, just the 2 neighbors closest to me on my side of it. On the other side of the building are 3 more apartments, including apartment number 10. In case you didn’t read my post the other day, I had a problem with some neighbors blasting music that was almost at nightclub-like levels. I left an anonymous note outside their door mentioning how I thought the music was really loud and asked them to “please consider your neighbors”. I hand wrote the note and didn’t think anything of it. But outside of my apartment door I have something written on it. It didn’t occur to me until a few minutes ago that the handwriting would obviously match and I wrote both in cursive and both with the same black sharpie. If someone was wondering which neighbor wrote the note, it’s probably not a tough thing to figure out. So that makes me wonder, was this payback for the note? That’s kind of thin but I can’t think of anyone else who would want to sabotage my bike. I’ve never seen who lives in apartment 10 nor do I know who owns the yellow mongoose bike outside locked up next to mine. Is it a coincidence that someone with bike knowledge disabled my bike when a bike I hadn’t seen for a long time reappeared next to mine? Maybe it was a drunk from the bar. That, in fact might be the best case scenario. If someone who lives in my building is so petty that they tried to take me out like that, I don’t think I’ll be in that apartment too long.

I was going to bring my bike into the apartment tonight anyway because some snow is supposed to return tomorrow but man I can’t stop thinking about it. This isn’t good for my high blood pressure. This isn’t good to keep my darkness at bay. This just isn’t good. Most likely this person will get away with it and all I can do or say is feel fortunate that I caught everything before I crashed in traffic and was hurt or even killed. The world is a fucked up place. People seem worse than ever, at least in my lifetime. I try to keep my head down, never bother anyone, never hurt a soul, help when I can but I cannot expect the same from everyone else. I cannot expect people to treat me as I would treat them. I cannot reconcile this anger that is brewing… and my patience is running out.   

Lost souls can come home… (11-17-16)

I get caught up. It happens to me all the time. I get caught up in my own little world. I get caught up in the fun. I get caught up in the pain. Emotions can speak louder than words to me. Sometimes all I hear is the anger and not the words that provide the context. I hear the joy and not necessarily the reasons for it. I can’t help it. I’m often the last person to agree to go to the party and then if it’s good, I’m the last one to want to leave. My inner child hugs my heart. It’s always close by. When my “gold” comes out I’m transformed into the most loving, caring, sensitive soul. My analytical, introverted side wants to be left alone while that other part of me just wants to give love, embrace love and connect. For the past 2 plus weeks since I’ve been at my new apartment I’d say the sour puss side of me has been in control… more thinking than feeling. It was a little unusual but it was out of necessity really, I had to move; I had to do a lot of adulting in the past few weeks. There wasn’t any time to be sitting around feeling things. Stuff had to be done. So I did it. I somewhat closed off my fun, feeling side and went to work. I say somewhat because I find it’s impossible to completely close off one side or the other. When the youthful exuberance overcomes me, the frosted side if you will, the dry side is still there, still talking, still offering warnings, advice,  trying to be responsible and realistic, it’s just that the fun side is drowning it all out. I choose not to listen to what’s playing in the background when the music in the foreground is so sweet. Conversely when I’m being businesslike and structured I can hear the other side telling me to have fun, enjoy things and dream. It’s my belief that you can’t be one way or the other ALL the time. You just can’t.

My whole life I’ve been trying to reconcile the two… trying to find that balance consistently. Sometimes I can achieve it and it’s wonderful but often external factors cause the balance the shift. Okay, I realize that it’s not really external factors, it’s me. It’s how I react to the external factors that throw it off but you get what I’m saying. Something happens that I did not predict… something beyond my control that causes a chain of events to follow. On occasion it works out. Sometimes I have to do damage control or change plans on the fly to help make things okay. There have been instances where the stress and damage is too much and it costs me. I find that when I have that balance between the dry side and frosted side, it’s easier to tackle unforeseen events and problem solve. When the 2 sides of me are working together, we can get a lot done and we can handle the unexpected. When they’re not in sync, life gets harder and something is often missing.

Now I don’t know if it’s like this for you but when one part of me is running the show for extended periods the other part of me is still running in the background, like that app that’s still running on your cell phone and eating up battery when your phone isn’t technically on.  You don’t realize it’s running until you look at your phone later that day and see the battery is really low and you’ve barely used your phone! This is pretty much how I feel right now. While I was taking care of important business I wasn’t completely acknowledging the emotions that have accompanied everything the last few weeks.

“I ain’t got time to bleed” – Jesse Ventura, in the movie Predator (1987)

Well, now that all the important stuff is done (finding a place, agreeing on terms, packing, finding moving help, moving, changing addresses, unpacking and organizing) I do have time. And what I discovered last night and this morning when I started to listen to the emotional side of me was that I was really depressed. I had no idea but all the symptoms were there, weight gain, not wanting to be around anyone, excess fatigue and a feeling of loss. What I discovered during idle moments over the last 24 hours is that I still have a lot of adjusting to do. Now I’m bummed because of all the political stuff going back to last week and hey, maybe you are as well but there’s more to it than that. For the last 4+ years I’ve lived with another human and a few cats. Now I live completely alone. My human roommate and I, we didn’t hang out all the time or do loads of things together but I do miss her presence. It’s comforting to have another human that you trust and do not dislike nearby. There would be days where we wouldn’t chat at all but you really do get used to that other presence. Then of course there’s Bailey and Lana, my two former cat roommates. I miss them tons. They were such good friends to me and I tried to be as good a friend to them. Not a day would go by where I wouldn’t sit with one or both of them and have a casual conversation with them. As you may have guessed, I did most of the talking but Bailey would occasionally chime in with varying meows. During the time I lived with them, they were always there for me, something that I did not take for granted then nor do I now. But that doesn’t mean I’m not hurting a bit without their presence.

It seems silly to me a little that I still think about them quite a bit even though they are now about 3 weeks out of my life and 2 hours away. But I sit around and think about how they are, wishing I could give them scratches and hear them purr a little. I always enjoyed them and other than at sleepytime, I tried to never ignore or deny them attention or love. Now I know what you are thinking, why don’t you just get your own cat? If only it were that easy. I’m afraid finances are an issue there and I would never get a cat or dog with iffy finances. I don’t think that would be fair to them. I take the concept of adopting an animal incredibly seriously. Besides that, I’m not ready. If I got a cat tomorrow I wouldn’t be able to help comparing it to the 2 wonderful friends I’ve parted ways with that I had built a 50 month relationship with. That wouldn’t be fair to the new cat either.

Hopefully, somewhere down the road things will be different and I can adopt one but for now all I can do is be honest with myself and accept how I’m feeling. I feel lonely. I feel loss. I feel sad. Being so busy and having so many things to do helped to hide it for a while but man if you don’t acknowledge what you’re feeling, especially when it’s strong, it will find you and whoop you. This is always true for me, especially being so sensitive and feeling, but maybe it’s true for you too. Don’t deny your feelings. They’ll always find their way back, even if you are lost. And it doesn’t matter if you are the most lost soul in the world. Lost souls can still find themselves. Lost souls can come home. This lost soul is going back to an empty home with a heart full of love so eventually I’ll be okay but in the short term…

"Fight on, my men

I am hurt, but I am not slain;

I'll lay me down and bleed a while,

And then I'll rise and fight again."  -Sir Andrew Barton

Heartbreaker/Heartbroken (8-28-16)

“I find you fascinating.” The words echoed in my brain for days after Sophie left. No one had ever told me I was fascinating let alone someone I had just met. I found her inspiring. She was the kind of person you read about or the kind they make independent films about. She was brave and sharp. She had so much going for her yet she was still thoughtful and kind. She didn’t have to be. Honestly no one has to be, but when you were as captivating as Sophie with a presence that causes double takes and attracts many a man’s attention, one would forgive such failings. Actually, Sophie didn’t have any failings, at least none I could see in the short time I knew her. In fact, she had an aura about her… one that conveyed peace and love in a charming and realistic way. I’ve met some people who conveyed a message of peace and love before but they would lose me in new age rhetoric and spiritual speak that’s beyond my grasp. Now, this is not a critique of those people, it’s just more difficult to relate to and communicate with people who are speaking a somewhat different language. This brings me back to Sophie. She told me the best way she knew to understand people was through “patience and love”. Patience for those times when the timing isn’t right or when the words and gestures are not quite understood and love for every occasion so that no matter what the result, you’ll have no regrets. I was a few years older than Sophie but her soul seemed twice my age. She was wise. She was lovely. She was funny. It’s really too bad I never got her last name.

I was on a train to Chicago. She was getting off in Cleveland. Our paths crossed between Erie, PA and Lebron’s house. That’s when curiosity got the better of me. It was my first time on a train and I began to wonder if my train was like those trains in the movies… what cool stuff and adventures might I find? I got up and began to wander around the train, exploring and slowly taking it all in as I often do. I met Sophie near the bathroom. I wasn’t actually going to the bathroom; I just wanted to make sure I knew where it was and how it looked inside. It doesn’t hurt to know your assets and liabilities when you are on a 12 hour ride. After inspecting the facilities I heard a voice ask me a question from a nearby seat. “First time on a train?” It came from this beautiful dark haired woman with a winning smile who had this incredible sparkle in her eyes. I stopped dead in my tracks. I just looked at her, stunned for a moment before I could muster a reply. Just as I was finally about to answer she added; “You’re looking around with the eyes of a child.” I smiled. “Is it that obvious?” She smiled back. “No, it’s wonderful. Most adults do not maintain the sense of wonder and appreciation a child does. That’s a beautifully rare thing. ” Usually when I meet people I’m very nervous. My introverted and anxious nature makes me seem awkward and slow to respond as I’m trying to get a read on the person, process what is happening, especially in the awe-inspiring presence of an attractive woman. Those are usually the most difficult conversations for me to have. I usually sound like a bumbling, rambling nerd in such scenarios but Sophie provided me a level of comfort I wasn’t used to. She was sitting with an empty seat and asked me to join her. I went to the front of the car, grabbed my backpack and hurried back. I wanted to run back as fast as I could but of course, I wanted to be cool. It felt like a sitcom moment where I exaggerated my walk so that I could rush but still seem a little extra suave. I probably ended up looking rather foolish. I think Sophie saw right through me but appreciated the effort… for the humor of it.

We exchanged first names and small talk but within 5 minutes we were having the kind of deep conversation I would need to know someone for years to have. I don’t even remember how we got there. We discussed philosophy, emotions, motivations and behavior like 2 people who knew each other intimately. It was scary yet so exciting at the same time. If I had stopped to think about the depths of it all as we spoke, I might have been compelled to pull back but we kept going, kept digging for almost an hour. She was amazing. The kind of person I would dream about. Was she real? That hour passed by so quickly and upon our arrival in Cleveland she quickly apologized for having to leave, grabbed her backpack, gave me a heartfelt hug and flashed her magnetic smile as she walked out of my life. We had only exchanged first names, nothing more. The last thing she said to me after apologizing for having to leave so abruptly was that she really enjoyed our conversation... “Thank you Eddie. That might have been the most sincere conversation I’ve had in years! I really hope you can mend your broken heart someday. I know you will.“ I wished her luck with her own problem she was having that necessitated her trip to Cleveland. I think we really helped each other that day, both in lending an ear to someone who was going through something significant, and offering compassionate and non-judgmental feedback. It was a perfect moment in time. One I’ve never forgotten.

Sophie had this theory about me. She asked me about my childhood and teen years growing up. She asked me about my relationships with my parents, with close friends, girlfriends etc. She came to a conclusion that floored me. She told me I’ve had a broken heart ever since I was little. She thought that I never received the love I gave out and expected to receive in return and my heart stayed broken because the relationships I had did not truly satisfy me.  She spoke of my underlying sadness. She said it’s there even when I’m happy; it’s just there in the background. How did she know? She suggested I was perpetually broken hearted, always looking for someone to help me repair it but never able to find the right person, that I was basically waiting for someone to save me. She told me I was living my own fairy tale. When she said all of this, I thought she it was a bit too much but the more we talked about it the more I was willing to entertain her theory. Sophie was a sweet person; she had no reason to bullshit me, no motivation to hurt me. She was the kind of person who always seemed to want to help others… my favorite kind of person. She was just sharing her observations with me. Maybe I do have this perpetual broken heart. Maybe I am waiting for someone to come and save me. I keep thinking about the last thing she said to me, “I really hope YOU can mend your broken heart someday. I know YOU will.” Sophie thought the answer to my lifelong broken heartedness was to fix it myself. That would explain why I haven’t found anyone who could do it. She also thought I would get there myself someday. Looking back, I wish she had stayed on to Indiana because then maybe she could have told me how to accomplish this feat but perhaps that would have defeated the purpose. This conversation was so many years ago and barely a blip in the story of my life but lately I’ve been thinking of Sophie.

The last few weeks have been very difficult. Many awful things were happening and then I confounded the problems by doing what I always do, thinking about it far too much, being too sensitive and making things worse. By nature I am a constant worrier. I don’t always vocalize it but I often worry about everything. I worry about things I can control and things I cannot. I try to remember not to worry about things I cannot control but when worrisome things start to pile up, when too much adversity unexpectedly arrives at once, sometimes I get overwhelmed. I’m just so damn sensitive. If some of my crazy leaked out and affected you lately I apologize. I guess I do have a broken heart.

A lifelong broken heart… it might justify the root cause of why I’m so sensitive. Introversion surely plays an important role, as does being easily over-stimulated, highly empathetic, a tad obsessive and even a bit dramatic. I try too hard; I always try to hang on to a good time or a good thing. I never let anything go. I never forget. I never completely move on. If something important happens, good or bad, if something touches me, it never leaves. I never get over things. I think it’s because my heart IS broken. It has been for as long as I can remember starting with my parents never giving me everything I wanted from them emotionally and it continued and snowballed from there.

Okay, so I’m broken hearted by nature. Does that mean I am always sad or depressed? No it doesn’t, but those things are never far away. I wonder if this is just a case of; it is what it is. Some people seem like they are always happy. Some people seem like they are always in a bad mood. I am neither. But the way my life has played out, all the pain I’ve experienced, the relationships I’ve had, or better yet the lack of relationships I’ve had have helped to shape me into this broken hearted romantic who still believes in love and dreams despite the lack of personal evidence in the field. So maybe it IS easier to hurt me, maybe I DO feel too much, so what? Despite any mistakes that I have made during the course of my life, I don’t regret nor will I ever regret how I feel or have felt. My feelings make me who I am but yes, they can work to my detriment as well. I will work to be better at controlling my feelings so that I don’t get lost in them for days, months or even decades. I’ll work to do a better job of my emotions and feelings having less of an impact on my actions.

I think too much AND I feel too much. Is that rare? I know the famous saying is “we think too much and feel too little”. For good and bad, I embrace it. For the most part I like who I am. I like that I think and feel too much. I just have to be aware of who I am at all times and when situations test me. I just need better control over my thoughts and emotions so that I don’t make bad things worse, so I don’t turn good things into disasters and great things into obsessions. Am I perpetually broken hearted? Yes, probably but maybe when Sophie hoped that I could mend my broken heart, perhaps she didn’t mean it so literally. Not every situation that presents itself before us is one that needs to be fixed in plain terms. Instead of trying to fix something that maybe I can’t technically fix perhaps it’s better to accept it, adapt to it and make it a strength instead of a perceived weakness. Something like using my crazy powers for good instead of evil over lamenting that I have them in the first place. Is this what Sophie meant? Sometimes our struggles, our flaws, our adversity and how we respond to those things should be what defines us, not our ability to ignore them and pretend we are people that we are not. I dunno, I’m a work in progress and I’ll never be finished. I’ll never be perfect or complete or completely satisfied with everything and you know what, it’s okay. I’ll keep trying to do better than the last time because that's the point, to be better than we were. And as for my broken heart… it still works. Thank you Sophie. I hope your heart is filled with joy and fascination. 

My Olympic Observations (8-19-16)

I've been enjoying the Olympics thus far but I've had some thoughts about what we're seeing and not seeing.

My Olympic Observations:

1. A lot of athletes from around the world go to school in the U.S. There have been countless times where they talked about a foreign athlete from almost anywhere in the world and they say “he/she attends the university of Iowa”. It makes me think wow, even though America has a lot of problems, even though our higher education system is flawed financially, we are still a world destination and a place where citizens of the world want to be. Imagine if we fixed the brutal student loan system and the government wasn’t trying to profit on young people who are punished for the crime of trying to better themselves.
2. From what we see on television Rio looks like heaven on earth but don’t let the media fool you. There are so many people struggling in Rio and in Brazil as they have brutal income inequality and corruption throughout their government worse than we do. They also have a notoriously brutal and corrupt police force which has killed more people in the city of Rio alone than our police have killed in the entire USA this year. This spotlight on Rio should serve as a warning to us. This is where we are heading. We aren’t living in favelas yet, with starving have-nots in slum villages “living”, if you can call it that, in the shadows of glorious shopping centers for the haves but we’re getting damn close.

2. I think we need a new national anthem. Don’t get me wrong, the old one is okay. I always thought it was a great burn that it was set to a popular high society British tune but I think its’ time has passed. For one, we like the British now. They are our friends. It seems pretty disrespectful that our national anthem is a dig at one of our closest friends. For two, the language in that thing is so antiquated. No one speaks that way anymore except when they are singing the thing. Some may find that romantic, I just find it tired. It’s okay to evolve. Third and most importantly, the entire song is about a great battle in Baltimore harbor during the war of 1812. I understand that it’s a source of national pride because we won that pivotal battle and the war, but at what point does the song do more harm than good? That battle happened over 200 years ago! I mean, America is thought of around the world as an arrogant bully and our national anthem sings of rockets and bombs, yee haw! I dunno, perhaps this type of thinking influences our aggressive, violent culture. From childhood we are singing or constantly hearing about how we fought and kicked England’s ass and how wonderful it was. Maybe if our anthem was something more inclusive and respectful, we’d be more inclusive and respectful. The things we regularly say, or in this case sing, have more of an influence on us than we think. We simply take it for granted but just maybe, if you have a violent national anthem, you might be more likely to have violent culture… just saying.

3. I hate any “sport” where someone is riding a horse. I’m sorry, not sorry, I can’t do it. When equestrian comes on I now always cringe and change the channel. The funniest part to me is when the horse doesn’t quite make a jump or doesn’t perform as desired and the commentators remark about how the person on the horse didn’t make it. “Oh, Richard came up a little short there.” or “Angela clipped the bar on that jump.” Respect the horse! I just can’t get over how we humans see a large majestic creature and the first thing we think is, hey let’s ride it! I dunno, maybe it’s just me.

4. My favorite thing about the Olympics is the overall brilliance of the humanity assembled. Countries that are friends, foes, something in between assemble and compete peacefully, together for 2 weeks and united on a global level. What else in this world can achieve that? The only flaw in it is the competition element, but that notwithstanding, to see all the countries come together and co-exist for even a short period of time is a beautiful thing.

the Day After... (Hillary's nomination) 7-27-16

I couldn’t say I was surprised yesterday when Hillary was officially nominated by the Democrats for president, but what did catch me by surprise was my reaction to it. An overwhelming sense of despair and hopelessness set in. I wanted to cry. I was so down and dejected. I couldn’t believe how much I was hurting. All the anger at the corrupt system and all the emotion I’ve put into this campaign came home and hit me all at once. I succumbed to the demoralizing feeling of having your hope extinguished by fears, by cowardice, by what’s wrong about the world. I feel numb today. Maybe that’s what you’re supposed to feel when something you love, something you care about so much dies. You might think I’m overstating this but it feels like a piece of me died yesterday. The dream for 2016 certainly did.

And don’t get me wrong, the political revolution has not died. It will live on. It will continue to speak for the 99% and take on political corruption and elitism whenever possible. But it’s not the same. We were so close. We almost got there. That with the knowledge of the fact that the decks were stacked against us, that the establishment defended itself in such a way to unfairly prevent us from realizing our greatest hopes is where the anger comes from. If we lost a fair fight, I’d be disappointed but not angry. If the nation wasn’t ready for the dramatic reform that our revolution promised, I’d be disappointed but not bitter. But the fact is they cheated us out of our moment. The most evil and underhanded things often happen in the cover of darkness. They happen when people are distracted, when people aren’t looking or when people are misled. Trump is the ultimate distraction. The Democrats and their candidate have gotten away with things that might have gotten others impeached or put into jail in previous years. But there is no outrage right now, at least not from the majority of voters. Yes, the voters don’t like the nominee, yes they don’t trust her but when you put a truly flawed, even awful candidate against the anti-christ, you get what we have here today. It’s anybody’s ball game. You have wrong vs evil and there are no winners there.

Despite how I feel about this particular candidate, I think it’s wonderful that we have nominated what could be our first woman president. It’s long overdue. Other major countries did it decades ago. I understand that Hillary is looked at differently than male politicians. There’s no excuse for that. But that doesn’t give her a pass on her record… a record that leans to the middle, towards money and towards neoliberal policy. Despite all the happy rhetoric of late, nothing in her history convinces me that she will follow through on any of the progressive policies Bernie worked to add to the Democratic platform. I hope I’m wrong, but I have no faith or trust in someone who has a record of putting money before people and who follows instead of leads. We need much better than this. We almost had it.

I love Bernie. I love him and I thank him for everything he has done and continues to do on our behalf. God, this past year was like a whirlwind romance. It was SO refreshing to meet someone in the highest levels of politics who cared more about the people than their ego. It was liberating to meet someone who wasn’t on the take, who wasn’t interested in playing politician. He never pandered to get our votes. He wasn’t phony and that’s why we were attracted to him and his policies. All he offered was what he believed was right and we were attracted to that. It wasn’t about what he thought we wanted, or telling us what we wanted to hear. This was organic. He said what he has always said, the way he has always said it, and suddenly it was exactly what many of us wanted to hear. That’s real. I’ve always considered myself a liberal but he even pulled me a little bit farther to the left! The timing was right and as evidenced by the millions of people who crowded his every rally and campaign stop, the nation was ready. A nation of people who were cynical and let down by President Obama’s empty promise of hope in 2008 came back. New people, who saw an authentic reason to get involved did just that. Skeptics became believers. This type of thing doesn’t happen any more and Bernie changed the game. For that I will always be grateful and I will always hold a deep love and respect for the man, even when we disagree on things. Do I think he should have endorsed Hillary? No, but I understand why he did it and what he’s trying to do for us by doing so. He’s altered the democratic platform in a positive way and he’s a much bigger person than his opponents and his colleagues in Washington. 

That said, I’m not going to blame anyone for voting for Hillary. Donald Trump could bring about the end of the world and that is NOT an exaggeration. There’s a reason we don’t nominate the arrogant, know-it-all jerk who has all the answers in hindsight and acts childish towards anyone who disagrees with him for president. There’s a very good reason why we don’t nominate the school bully or the incoherent bigot for president. There’s an extremely good reason we don’t nominate crazy people for president. But guess what? This year we have all of those things rolled up in one Donald Trump! Its mind blowing that someone like this is a major party nominee for president. It’s even more inconceivable that he’s currently winning! If you feel like it’s necessary to vote for Clinton, I can’t blame you but I will not be joining you. I cannot and will not support everything that I find wrong with the political system because it’s going up against the ultimate evil. I wish more voters had the courage to come with us and make the change we so badly need by voting outside of the 2-party stranglehold on our democracy. If enough people were brave enough and cared enough to do it, we could have put both of these corrupt parties on their asses. But I can clearly see that will not be the case in this election. I do think someone still needs to have the balls to disobey and I will be happy to do it. For “fringe” parties to become relevant they need votes, not facebook likes. If we get enough votes for the Green party, they won’t have to struggle and fight to get on the ballots every election. The same goes for the Libertarians. We need more parties and voting is the only way to get there. If we want democracy WE HAVE TO MAKE IT HAPPEN. We can’t just talk about how we want things to be fair or to reflect the diversity of political views. We have to act on it. You know who is just talk? The Democrats and Republicans. Everything is talk until they’ve checked with their corporate masters to see what they should really do.

When you’re being oppressed, when’s the best time to make a stand? Is tomorrow good, maybe next week, next year? How about 4 years from now? I don’t know, how about right now? Why wait another second? If you think Trump is bad, wait until 4 years from now to see what monstrous candidate they bring up from the muck if Hillary wins. It’s getting worse and worse. We’ve gone from idiot W. Bush to the likes of incoherent, delusional Palin to an out of touch rich guy with little experience like Mitt Romney to an out of touch rich guy with a massive ego, brutal temperament and no experience in Trump. What’s next, someone who shoots fire out their eyes, but only at poor, marginalized people? If that's the case, then 4 years from now we won’t be able to stand up and fight for our democracy because we’ll have to stop that nut. This will only end WHEN WE MAKE IT END. 

Okay, now I’m going to take the gloves off. To all the people who want to vote for Hillary because of Trump, okay, I get it. Do what you feel you have to do. I’m not going to give you any shit. But to those who want to take it further and chastise me and the other Bernie or Bust folks, especially those of you who were Bernie supporters and progressives a few months ago, who do you think you are to judge me? You got off the bandwagon and want to curse at those still on it? To try to say I’m stupid, or ridiculous, or being a baby for standing up for what I believe in, how dare you! Fuck your condescension. You want judgment? I think those of you fucking "heroes" who were with us and who know better but now are “sacrificing” for the rest of us are cowards. I don’t want Trump to win, but if this election has shown me anything it’s that personal integrity and honor are worth everything. I’m not going to abandon mine for any reason. I can’t do that. I am nothing without integrity. If you can live with yourself setting yours aside, good luck but don’t condescend to me for believing that the political revolution was not a fad, a fun time or a fucking hashtag. It’s a fucking revolution and it needs people who are willing to be brave and fierce and I will do my best to be both. The future of our nation depends on it. 

Needless to say, I am kind of checking out of the presidential race now. I’ll monitor things but I don’t really care what Trump and Hillary say unless they say it to each other’s faces in a debate. That should be entertaining… a calculating, trained liar against an out of control liar. Should be fun TV! But just because I am checking out of the Hillary/Trump debacle, don’t believe for a second that I am taking a break from educating myself and empowering myself in the fight for economic, environmental, racial and social justice. It’s like in the Matrix. Once you’ve been unplugged and know the truth about the world around you, there is no going back and more than that you want to help everyone else you can who want to be unplugged do so.

“whenever the people are well-informed, they can be trusted with their own government; that, whenever things get so far wrong as to attract their notice, they may be relied on to set them right." –Thomas Jefferson

Wake up America!

An excerpt from my short story: “The Ghost of Past Orgasms” (4-22-16)

“I think where a lot of men get it wrong in the bedroom is the thought that there are only a few “fun spots” on the woman and that’s where they should maintain their energy. While there are definitely a few places where a concentration of energy should be applied, to focus ONLY on those places means missing out on a much greater experience, especially for her. I would suggest that the woman’s entire body can be and should be treated with sexual respect. Hands don’t have to stay on the “10 and 2” positions. This isn’t a machine! This is a living, breathing, beautiful individual who needs more than the bare minimum, even if that’s how you dressed for the event. I would recommend really getting a feel for the occasion by using those hands liberally and sensually. Explore! There’s no rush. It’s my experience that a hands-on approach is favored over empty oral theory. That’s not to say things should be quiet. Telling her what you are enjoying as you are enjoying it is a surefire way to generate extra heat. There’s so much more to this than simply dipping a carrot. This should be the equivalent of a well balanced meal with a well balanced feel. In the end we guys tend to only remember reaching the top of the mountain but the fact of the matter is; THAT takes a few seconds. Teasing and exploring make the entire trip more memorable for all parties involved and let’s be honest, the journey is often better than the destination, especially if we already know how the story ends. When those muscles tense, that pulse quickens and the sweat beads, a chorus of exhilaration sings us to the promised land. We can choose to make the song as long and as memorable as an epic anthem or as short and forgettable as a commercial. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather bathe in the purple rain.”