Are You Ready? (6-22-12)

Have you ever…

liked something you used to dislike, even hate? Maybe come to realize something wasn’t as bad as you thought it would be? It happens to me all the time and I’m proud of this. Discovering things, rediscovering things and discovering that I was wrong about other things are what fuel me. It makes me feel young and alive. The funny thing is, when I was young this wasn’t the case. I was playing it pretty close to the vest back then. That’s not to say I was narrow minded in those days, just proud, inexperienced and maybe even timid. Well, perhaps I was both narrow minded and timid in kind of a cause and effect type of way. I was inexperienced so I had little idea of all the wonderful things out there but at the same time my mind wasn’t as open and wasn’t as humble as it is now so all those “wonderful” things could have passed right by my nose and I wouldn’t have noticed. I just wasn’t aware. They say ignorance is bliss but I say ignorance is lazy… and wrong. A quote that I made up a long time ago was “I don’t miss the things I don’t know”. I still think this is true but I have to remind myself not to use this rationale to make excuses for not trying things when I think I originally thought it up to make myself feel better about missing out on something that already happened. When I discover something great that had been available to me for a long time but for some reason I didn’t try I always have a laugh and wonder, where I was all that time? But it’s not always that easy. Sometimes our resources are limited and we miss out on things due to lack of time, money and there are many other reasons… but sometimes it boils down to a simple reason; we just aren’t ready yet.

When I think about it now, I know when I was younger I wasn’t ready for a lot of things. Remember when we were teenagers and we thought we knew everything? It’s not a regrettable offense; it’s just human nature and a part of growing up. When you are a kid, like say 7 years old you know absolutely nothing. You can barely do basic things. Plus I think you know you know nothing and that’s why at that age we have serious heroes, interests and look up to people in a pure and innocent all or nothing kind of way. But by the time you get 17 or 18 you’ve learned so much and travelled so far from that little kid who knew nothing that you feel like you are ready to be an adult. Purity and innocence have been replaced or maybe infiltrated by many subtle layers. Things aren’t as easily defined as good or bad; now there’s kinda good, okay, both good and bad at the same time and even bad meaning good. There are “good” lies, necessary evil and exceptions to every rule. You think, I’ve learned so much and the journey already has been so great, how much more can there be? Honestly, you feel like you know everything necessary to grow and prosper. By that age you probably have had a job, tried alcohol, driven a car, maybe even had sex. You think; hey I got this thing figured out, I’ve tried the major stuff and I know what I like and what I want. The hard stuff is over. Then we face the sobering reality that the hard stuff is just beginning and there are still volumes to learn. That’s why it never ends for parents. When they are small the kids need constant attention. As they age they get curious and adventurous as they have to figure out their limits and bounds (sometimes several times) and then when you as a parent finally think they’ve grown up to the point where they no longer need constant supervision and you no longer need to worry about them breaking stuff (including themselves), they become the biggest pain of all. They think they have it all figured out and don’t need you that much anymore. So you go from being a primary part of your child’s daily life to a supporting role, sometimes even a fringe character wondering how they are and what they are thinking as they strut their way through the final steps to adulthood with their newly discovered thirst for independence fueling them. They think, I’m figuring it all out and more importantly I’m figuring it all out on my own.

But what happens to that growing child throughout their teens, twenties and beyond is that if their eyes are looking and their minds are open, there’s still a nearly infinite amount of things they can learn about not only the world but themselves. Some cups are bigger than others and when yours is full you are no longer thirsty. As I went through my twenties my thirst only grew and when I was ready I traded in my coffee mug sized cup for a Big Gulp! Perhaps as I get older I might trade down from my Big Gulp to a large glass but I don’t think I am ready yet. The point is there’s as much out there for you as you are ready for.

Sometimes a situation occurs where I feel a certain way about something and then I think back to try to remember where and when I originally felt that way and quite often I either can’t remember why I feel the way I do or I made up my mind so long ago I have to wonder if I honestly need to revaluate my feelings. While I can sometimes appreciate a lazy body, I don’t like a lazy mind. Just think of how much we go through in a week, a year? Things change all around us and whether we are aware of it or not, we do too. Those opinions we had back then need to grow and evolve with us. 

Recently I was talking about writing with a friend and I was saying how I almost never feel something I’ve written is finished whether we are talking about a story, a poem, even a blog. Why? Because I have never been smarter, wiser and more skilled than I am at this moment. Right now, I’m the most awesome I’ve ever been. Yesterday: I was close, 2 weeks ago: I was on the right track, 2 months ago: I had a pretty good idea, 2 years ago: what was I thinking? I must have been an idiot then. This is how I usually feel about my work. I think other people; especially other creative souls may feel the same. I might look back at this blog in a few years and think I need to tweak it or even that I had it all wrong and then want to re-write the whole thing. I guess it’s a perfectionist aspect of my personality and it’s why I’m usually never satisfied with my work, why I don’t always take compliments well and why I always want to hang on so tightly to the best moments. I’m better than I used to be but I still have a ways to go… like I said, perfectionist.  

Now with the mindset of never being more on top of things than I am at this moment how could I really know if I still feel the same about something I last had an opinion on 5 years ago? Ok, maybe some things are beyond re-thought; I’m going to go out on a limb and state that I will always be pro-choice, pro-art, pro-sports, anti-ignorance, anti-hate and anti-gun. I think I will always like chocolate, Pepsi, pizza, raspberry Zingers and pina coladas but who knows? You never can tell when you’ll be ready to change. There were times where I thought I felt a certain way and then poof, my mindset shifted. Sometimes it was quick, other times it took years and some things even snuck up on me. I guess this wouldn’t be as fun if I didn’t share some examples. Are you ready?   

Music: To this day there are still bands I can’t stand… Led Zeppelin comes to mind. I’ve just always disliked Robert Plant. Musically I think they are amazing but if you can’t get past the singer, oh well. I can’t stand Kid Rock, mostly because I have good taste (now now Mr. Music snob) and don’t get me started about the pop singers of today and recent times. I just feel like most of their work is pretty mindless and sounds more to me of what someone thinks pop music should sound like than like real pop music, if that makes sense. Remember when music used to tell stories and inspire us? Before you go and say pop music has always been shallow and without substance I submit to you Waterfalls by TLC, Adele’s last record (even though I’m not really a fan) and many others. Sure music should be fun but let’s not forget the other reasons why it’s important. The excess in songs and our single-driven (as opposed to album-driven) marketing seem to me as merely a reflection of the times… laziness, entitlement and short attention spans. Everybody wants everything right now and no one wants to work to get there or write something meaningful but I digress… this is a rant for another time but I do wonder, are there Kid Rock days in my future? Right now I certainly hope not, but we don’t know for certain.

Back to the topic at hand, I remember it took me a LONG time to get into Oasis. At first I thought they were these sniveling rip-off punks. Then one day, I heard one of their older songs and said; you know this isn’t half bad. I haven’t gone out and bought their whole catalog but I don’t run for the hills either when they come on now. Simon & Garfunkel are another one. I only got into them this year, about 45 years late but in my defense I wasn’t around 45 years ago. It’s not that I didn’t like them… I was just oblivious to them. I guess I wasn’t ready to “hear” them until this year. I didn’t like the Beatles until the late 90’s… maybe my dislike of Oasis drove me towards an appreciation for the real thing. When I think about it now it seems inconceivable to have not liked the Beatles but once upon a time I didn’t. My change of heart on the Beatles goes deeper than that. It is customary to have Paul as your favorite Beatle first, then you move on to John who is possibly the coolest guy ever but then a funny thing happens… George sneaks up on you. I’ve been listening to the George songs more and more and I’m starting to have a soft spot for him. I guess that puts me at stage 3 of Beatlemania. Stage 4 is when I start believing Ringo is the greatest, but let’s face it, no one thinks that. Stage 4 must be something else. I guess I’ll tell you when I get there. I swear I discover an old band almost as frequently as I discover a new one and that is a very beautiful thing.

Film: As a kid I used to think “old” films were 1970’s films. I wouldn’t watch anything in black and white except maybe Night of the Living Dead. For some reason I thought old black and white films were dull, boring, dated and didn’t offer me much. I actually lived most of my life thinking that I’d rather catch up on Val Kilmer’s back catalog then checking out Hitchcock classics. It wasn’t until a few years ago when I discovered the Screening Room and UB’s film seminar series that I finally saw some of them. Since then I’ve seen many classic films for the first time: Casablanca, The Maltese Falcon, Night of the Hunter, The Man Who Knew Too Much, Charade, African Queen, The Burmese Harp, The Portrait of Dorian Grey and others and not only did I greatly enjoy them, I now own some of them with more on the way. I really had no idea. I’m ashamed for having felt how I did. There’s something magical about the actors “acting”, you know without the use of CGI, effects and toys. Great actors in those days could emit so much emotion in a simple facial expression. It was a simple formula; a good story with good actors and good scenery. You didn’t need anything else. Vocal skills and body language were the best and most useful tools an actor possessed in those days. These days I guess you still see that kind of acting in the theater, not the big screen. I wish I had jumped aboard the classic film bandwagon sooner but you are ready when you are ready. Instead of thumbing my nose and shaking my head now I find these old films so powerful, compelling and timeless even if the films are dated. 

Food & Drink: During the past few years I’ve overcome what was a lifelong dislike of broccoli and now it’s one of my favorite veggies. I can’t stand applesauce despite the fact I love apples and apple-flavored things although this comes from when my parents used applesauce to hide nasty medication from me when I was little. I guess I’m not ready to shake my feelings about it yet. I used to love tomatoes as a kid but now I can barely stand them. Taste is a weird thing. You think it’s simple; I like this and I don’t like this, but then your feelings change. I find this absolutely fascinating. This leads me to my most recent discovery: veggie burgers. In the past I’ve tried some, usually the frozen supermarket kind and I’ve hated them. I’ve tried them pan-fried and cooked from a grill. It didn’t matter. They were so bland and I found them disgusting, especially when compared with a delicious 90% lean ground beef burger, seasoned and cooked just right. Perhaps that was the problem. Perhaps I bit into a veggie burger expecting a Big Mac and when I didn’t get it, I was disappointed. But now that my tongue has matured I can accept the veggie burger and the beef burger for the beautiful things that each of them are. Yes my tongue and taste have matured. I know that sounds ridiculous but I don’t know how else to say it. I mean it’s probably more about the psychological than the way those things actually taste. Or maybe I just recently had a really good veggie burger that opened my eyes. I’d like to think it’s a combination of all those things. A great veggie burger and a mind that was ready to receive it. It was time.

There are some things where I wonder if I’ll ever be ready? Take white socks… no seriously take them. I switched from white socks to black socks sometime around 1992. Perhaps it was Mike Tyson, the Michigan Fab Five or who knows but one day then it occurred to me that white socks, especially in the warmer months when wearing shorts with them were the dorkiest thing in the world. I couldn’t stand the look of my feet in them. So I bought black socks. They felt cool and I felt a little rebellious wearing them. So I kept wearing them. Now 20 years later I still wear black socks 95% of the time. This year I bought some gray ones, 3 pairs. I will wear them without hesitation when I am wearing pants but when I have shorts on… well, I don’t know if I’m ready yet. They still look and feel dorky to me. It’s an ongoing process. Maybe one day.

I’ve heard as people age they close their minds. Some close them a little and some slam them completely shut. I can feel it happening to me slightly as I better understand the value of time. Life is short and frankly I just don’t have the time to try as many things as I’d like to plus my older, crankier self doesn’t have the patience I did 10 years ago when I would suffer through a rainstorm to get a rainbow. My older, wiser, craftier self either tries to time it where I arrive right after the storm when the rainbow appears or I just wait for people to post photos of it on social media. Now don’t get me wrong, just because I’ve downshifted doesn’t mean I’m hitting the brakes. I never plan to. To me the best things in life are the little things, and they are out there, waiting to be discovered and/or rediscovered. Maybe I don’t find the quantity I used to but I still seek out the quality. I’ll never stop seeking. The day I stop looking to grow, evolve and discover is probably the day I’m gone and I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for that.

Organized Chaos (6-14-12)

I'm still not sure if this will be a very beautiful or dangerous time for me. Change is all around, some of it forced, some of it beckons... will I resist? Sadness is also all around, it's powerful. Inside I feel like organized chaos. I want to be with people but I want to be alone. I just don't know. The creative juices are overflowing. I had to stop for a few minutes on the way to work today because I had so much on my mind that I had to write it all down. Inevitably I will be fine but the road to get there is sprinkled with crazy. My heart is standing on my brain. The days and weeks ahead should be interesting to say the least.

On the one hand I got to hide my love away but on the other I need to embrace it. Should I go with the flow, fight the current or just try to get a foothold in the journey and drop anchor. I'm perpetually uncomfortable and everything feels temporary.

My emotions are stronger than ever. I can go from happy to sad, relaxed to mad so quickly of late. I want hugs, I want sex, I want to be left alone. Passion out of control... I'm letting it out in bursts. All at once would be too much.

Words (6-6-12)

For those of you who don’t know, my brother passed last night. People are expressing their condolences and warmth towards me and I appreciate them. I don’t have the words. My whole body is numb right now. I had strange dreams last night… when I was able to sleep. I don’t know what to say. The pain is deafening. It’s drowning out the music. So right now I can’t hear too well but don’t worry, pain comes and goes but the music plays forever.

The world feels surreal today. I walked into work this morning and the walk in almost felt like sleepwalking. I’d prefer not to come in at all but I’ve used a lot of personal time this past week and I’m really low on cash so I need to get in as many hours and earn as many $$$ as I can. It’s difficult to focus. I sit here at my desk and I’m hardly working. That stupid old saying popped into my brain; are you hard at work or hardly working? The latter.

I’m so tired. I think I’m more exhausted emotionally than physically but there’s a lot of fatigue there. It’s hard to differentiate. A week of long days, restless nights and the emotional ups and downs has taken a toll. The glimmers of hope and the moments of despair lifted me up and tore me apart. I tried to stay even and not get too hopeful or too depressed but how dare I even try. When someone who means as much to you as my brother Bryan meant to me goes through what he went through, all bets are off.

I’ve had mixed feelings that only grew as things progressed. It was so hard to see him that way, so hard to walk into the room and see him in that much discomfort, that much pain, struggling to breathe especially during the last few days. It was so tough to see him that way but I had to see him because our moments left on this earth were fleeting. I’m usually someone who has a lot to say in intimate settings but in that room I was always at a loss for words. If my eyes could have spoken they would have recited novels.

I’m happy he’s no longer fighting. There’s a joy in that. But I respect the hell out of him for fighting that uphill fight so hard and for so long. He was always brave and strong in life and never more than during this past week. Those first few days when he was in the hospital and better able to communicate and share how he felt with us he was mostly smiles and love. He knew what he was up against. He knew what the odds were. No one would have said a bad word if he reacted the other way. It was his right to be upset. It was his right to be afraid and unhappy but he would rather share hugs, stories and jokes instead. The memories poured out and the smiles were inevitable. That’s how he wanted it. That was him, a tender, generous man who everyone adored. He loved deeply and he shared that love and everyone around him couldn’t help but be affected and enhanced by it during his life.

Anyone who knows me well knows I don’t have much of a relationship with God. While I believe more strongly in balance, karma, fate and spirituality, I haven’t been able to embrace God. Last Friday night I prayed for the first time in many, many years. It was kind of an awkward prayer, like a ship lost at sea sending a distress message, hoping someone, anyone out there could hear and answer it. My faith is shaky at best but I do believe anything is possible. I’m always asking questions and always seeking answers and I’m afraid I haven’t gotten too many concrete answers when it comes to the Lord, especially from him/her/it. I do believe in miracles though and while I knew we were up against the odds in this case, I still hoped that God would make me a believer this week. It was the perfect opportunity to get past my stubborn scientific belief system and fill me with faith. Sadly, my cup remains half full. God didn’t deliver. I understand I was asking for an awful lot but I hadn’t asked for anything for 20 years so I thought that evened out my enormous request. 

People say this is God’s will, trust in God or that God has a plan. Maybe it’s not my place to understand but it sounds like a pretty crappy plan to me. So I am angry. Maybe I’m angry at God or whoever makes these decisions, maybe I’m angry at the circumstances, at the outcome. It isn’t fair. I know life is unfair but this is ridiculously, grossly unfair. Besides leaving behind hundreds or maybe thousands of sad friends and family, he leaves behind a devoted wife and wonderful 8-year old son, Brett. My heart breaks for them most of all. I learned more about my nephew this week than I had known the 8 years he’s been around and I’ve learned what a great kid he is. His dad touched my life so deeply, opening my mind up to countless new experiences and taking me on so many exciting adventures I want to take this moment to challenge my family. No one can fill Bryan’s shoes, it’s silly to even think one person could but maybe all of us, the cousins, the nephews, the nieces, the brothers, sisters, etc. can collectively give to Brett and his mother what Bryan gave to us. I for one feel like we owe it to Bryan to try. I feel so indebted to Bryan for what he gave to me and I’m certain he required nothing in return but our love and thanks but maybe we can spend the rest of our lives giving back what he gave all of us to Leisamarie and Brett, but especially that little boy. It may not happen right away but let us never forget.

When I saw how wonderful that little guy is I so badly wanted to change places with Bryan. Let me be the one who suffers and let me be the one who departs so he can keep being that bright light in the family, especially his own. I’m not married and I don’t have any of my own children, so let me take his place. I know it’s a weird thing to think but I thought it several times. Since I am still here maybe it’s on me that when that day comes where I meet my love and we start a family to be to them what Bryan was to all of us. My nephew wrote the other day about typing on slippery keys and similarly, my eyes are so misty right now it’s hard for me to even see the screen.

Talking about this helps, whether that’s spending time with my family or letting it out through my fingertips. I tried to be as strong as I could be during this journey. The times where I felt weakest were when I was in his room, looking at him struggle and when I’d get home at night after a long day spent juggling work and being at there at the hospital. At least in his room I had tons of people to lean on if needed. When I went home at night I wanted nothing more than to collapse into someone’s arms and feel the warmth of a loving embrace while the cold tears flowed. Of course no one was there. I cried into a pillow many a night and no one was there to tell me things would be fine. So I woke up every morning with a heavy heart thinking things would not be fine and only when I arrived at the hospital and back into the warm circle of family was my mind eased. Hopefully I’ll find the balance I need in the days and weeks ahead when we celebrate Bryan’s life. Hopefully the anger will go away and I will find the words I need to carry on, strong and wise, free from the anger and bitterness I feel now. I know the words exist. I also know the pain will never leave but pain with baggage is the worst pain of all... loss is enough. It doesn’t need to have anger, bitterness, resentment and more on board. The weight of loss is more than enough. So life goes on, always moving, always chugging down the road but right now you’ll have to excuse me while I pause in this journey to look at this moment, to mourn, to heal, to learn and decompress before I proceed. I will walk again when I'm ready.   

Maybe you understand why now I have mixed feelings. I am glad this person I love is no longer suffering but I am also angry that he had to. You’ve probably heard the old question/saying “why do bad things happen to good people?” The person who originally said it had to be talking about someone like my brother Bryan. He was beyond good, he was great. He was a firefighter who served faithfully for something like 27 years. He served his family and friends even greater than that. He was more than a public servant, a father, a husband, a brother, an uncle, a cousin, a friend. He was more than words.      

The Coolest Guy I Know (5-30-12)

Growing up, saying that my family life was weird would be an understatement. I was an interracial kid at a time when a lot fewer of them were running around. I was often confused when it came to social choices. Was I supposed to hang out with the white kids? The Puerto Rican kids? Some of the white kids didn’t want to hang out with me because I was Puerto Rican and some of the Hispanic kids didn’t like me because I was part white and didn’t speak Spanish. So growing up I had friends of every kind, often the misfits and unusual ones but they were white, black, Hispanic, Native American, you name it.

One side of my family was German-Polish and the other, Puerto Rican, so one weekend I would be eating pierogis in the suburbs and the next I’d be eating rice and gandules somewhere in the city. It was confusing as I struggled to find out who and what I was but looking back on it, I wouldn’t change a thing. It was amazing to have so much diversity in my childhood, to be introduced to so many things and no one introduced me to more than my brother Bryan.

My father had a previous marriage before meeting my mother and from it came 6 kids. There were 4 brothers and 2 sisters and I would always get excited when any of them came over to visit, but with Bryan it was always a little extra. Our dad was a month shy of his 50^th birthday when I was born so there wasn’t just one generation between us. There were miles. I often found myself perplexed trying to understand his dated logic on things, his perspective. He was so behind the times and wasn’t interested in catching up. He probably felt like I didn’t understand him and I certainly felt like he didn’t understand me. He was stubborn and so was I so pair that with the lack of understanding and you can imagine the lines of communication between us weren’t always clear.

When I was young I didn’t want to be like my dad. I loved him dearly but he was old fashioned and cheap. He didn’t understand the value of things at that time. He had closed and locked his doors while I had just opened mine. He always told me to be proud, aggressive and to take no crap from anyone. He gave advice that conflicted with my growing beliefs. He often reminded me that if I threw the first punch in a fight, it could very well be the last punch too. I didn’t want to punch anybody. He had a fiery temper (which I did inherit) and he could be very cold sometimes, often showing little to no emotion. I loved him but that wasn’t how I wanted to be. I still think to this day it’s a big reason why I am very warm and emotional. I didn’t want to be like him. I wanted to be like Bryan.  

Bryan seemed larger than life to me. He was so damn cool. He was handsome and he had many interests. He’d always been doing some cool thing and would soon be off to do another cool thing. He was a superhero to me… a cool superhero, a cool-perhero! I’d meet so many people; our father included who had a very narrow scope of pursuits and interests but Bryan taught me it was okay to like as much as my heart desired and like him, my heart desired plenty.

After I begged my parents to buy me Michael Jackson’s Thriller album at Hills sometime in 1983, despite my father’s objections to buying me a record with a “fruitcake” laying alongside a tiger on the cover, Bryan gave me cassette copies of Van Halen’s 1984 and Prince's Purple Rain. To say they had a profound impact on me would be an understatement. I ate them up and those 2 records helped to shape my musical tastes for years and still do to this day. The styles of those 2 records were so different but they had much in common with how iconic and amazing they were! Who knew? Most people liked one or the other; I didn’t understand why they couldn’t like both. My brother Bryan did and he was the coolest guy I knew. I wanted to be cool like that too.

A short time later Bryan and another brother, Lawrence took me to my first concert: AC/DC at Memorial Auditorium on December 1^st, 1983. We had floor seats and the stage wasn’t very far from us. By halfway through the show I found myself mouthing the words of these newly discovered choruses and I was fascinated by the funny smelling and strangely shaped “cigarettes” being passed around the floor. When it came over towards me, someone asked if I was wanted to try it. I was too afraid… probably for the best being that I was NINE but it was my first taste of a real Rock n Roll show and I loved it. I might have gone to a few more since. During the next year Bryan also took me to my first ever movie; Ghostbusters. Our father would never go or take me anywhere so my experiences to that point in my life were confined to whatever I could find in our poor lower west side neighborhood. I couldn’t believe how cool it was to see a movie in a movie theater. I still freak out whenever that film comes on television. You never forget your first.

Bryan was involved in many of my firsts… my first Bills game, Sabres game, my first pro wrestling show, my first rock record, first rock show, my first trip to a mall and my first visit to Bills training camp in 1985. I wore the t-shirt he got me there that day until it literally fell apart. He took me places I had never been and opened up brand new worlds to me. It was magical and cathartic. Whenever my mom would tell me he was coming by I would get so excited. I’d be bouncing all over the place and when he walked through the door I’d always try to regain my composure and play it cool, like him. We always talked about music and sports, 2 things that were and are always near and dear to our hearts. i don't know, perhaps those things matter so much to me because they mattered to him. I related to him more than any other person in my family and he’s always been my favorite relative. He inspired me and taught me so much. He always had great advice for me, especially in those times where I was impatient and too excitable. Our dad could have given me the exact same advice and like most kids I would have probably thought, pfft what does he know but if Bryan said the same thing, I’d think well if Bryan said it, it must be right. He was always there when I needed that advice, gear for football, things for school or even money for a class ring. He was always making me laugh and always leaving me feeling lucky I had him in my life. He's with me with every step I take, his influence, his passion, his love.

I’ll always be grateful for everything he has given to me and I’ll always felt indebted to him for it. So right now I want to say thank you Bryan. Thank you for being a great brother and thank you for always being the coolest guy I know.

The Old Me (5-26-12)

Last night I was supposed to go to a pretty cool event. It was called El Museo de Infringe. It was a fundraiser for both the El Museo gallery on Allen St. and the 2012 Buffalo Infringement Festival, of which I will be performing at again this year (but more on that later). On facebook I learned it was going from 6:30 to 11. I thought with such a wide range of time there’d be no way I would/could miss it. I was looking forward to it for many reasons. The first is to help the Infringement Festival out. I absolutely love that they exist and for several years now I’ve been going to many events related to the festival and supporting that way but throwing them some cash, just because is nice too. There was also supposed to be entertainment in the form of music, poetry and dancing and all I can to that is yup, yup and yup… 3 things I enjoy. Lastly and most important to me I guess was the fact that this show was the first opportunity for the general public to buy the new 2012 Buffalo Infringement Festival t-shirts. I still wear my 2011 one proudly and I think I bought that one only a few weeks before the festival started last year so I had hardly a chance to wear it out and promote the festival beforehand but this time, I could get a shirt 2 months before the start of the festival and if I wore it out to high profile events and activities I could probably get 7-8 wears in before the 2012 festival starts. Let’s not forget to mention it’s also a great conversation starter! People will ask about the festival or mention that they want to check it out or that they saw something there last year or in the past and it provides a perfect segue for me to talk about it and also my showcase “Young Hearts and Old Minds” poetry by Eddie Gomez, appearing for the 2nd year in a row, time and place TBA.

Fast forward (or maybe rewind) to 8pm. I was just leaving work after working a longer day than I expected to and I began to ponder not going. I worked a ten hour day and was tired but I still had to stop for some minor groceries and supplies on the way home. When I finally walked in the door I knew I had to eat something. I had to eat so my energy levels would be at a level where I could make the decision whether to go or not. When you are tired that’s one thing, but tired and hungry and low on energy, I don’t see how a person can be objective when making a decision in that state. Most people wouldn’t even want to think about going out, socializing and spending a few hours doing something else when the body’s most basic needs haven’t been met (shoutout to Maslow).

So after eating and getting cleaned up I still wasn’t sure if I wanted to go. If this had been 6 months ago, a year ago, 3 years ago this wouldn’t have even been much of a decision. The old me would have checked the television listings, settled in and wouldn’t have cared. The old me would have tapped out, thrown in the towel and called it a night. It was already about 9:30, I was really tired from an extra long day and by the time I got down there the event would be wrapping up anyway… but not so fast... these are different times.

After hitting bottom around the holidays I’ve lost 32 pounds so far since New Years. While I still have a long journey to reach my ultimate goal, the momentum cannot be denied. My poetry reading and writing is growing stronger; my confidence is improving week to week. I am no longer afraid every time I want to go out into public and to shows, even if I have no one to go with, which was the case here. During this time of transition I’m really learning a lot about myself.

I used to think I didn’t like to be around people. For all these years I thought I was shy or anti-social. It is true that I am not comfortable around strangers, but who is? I don’t put on masks and pretend I’m someone I’m not. What you see is what you get with me so it’s not that I don’t like to be around people, it’s that I don’t like to be around less desirable or for lack of a better term, bad people. Who’s bad to me? Well other than Michael Jackson and Run DMC who are bad meaning good, I don’t like ignorance, arrogance, shallow, phony, selfish or mean peeps. We all have what we are willing and able to tolerate in people. Some people just don’t care that much but I feel really strongly about my tolerance. I feel like life is too short to spend parts of it voluntarily associating with bad people. I’m an easy going guy but there’s no easy going ignorance. There’s no laid back nasty. Nasty is nasty, selfish is selfish, ugly is ugly. I think that’s why I am uncomfortable around strangers because I don’t know where they fall yet. Are they good peeps? Are they genuine, nice? Until I know I can’t let my guards down. I realize I’ve drifted away from the original point but I want to make it clear that I am changing, in how I look, how I feel and how I think. It’s a new Eddie. 


The new me walked out the door at 9:37pm and marched all the way down to Allen. It took me about 35 minutes and when I got there, there wasn’t much show left. My brow was dripping steadily from the march down and I didn’t feel comfortable subjecting the crowd to “Sweaty Eddie” for the last little part of the show so I wiped myself down (always a good short term fix) and walked up to the t-shirt table and did what in my heart I wanted to do, buy that shirt! On the walk back I took Elmwood and as all the bar people and social butterflies fluttered past I was nearly oblivious. I couldn’t stop smiling because in my hand I had more than a t-shirt. It was a symbol. I did something I used to be completely incapable of doing. The walk home was sweet. The sweat continued to glisten on my face and my legs kept pumping. It seemed like I was walking at my fastest those last few blocks before home. The whole trek took nearly an hour and a half but instead of being tired from the lengthy march I sat content. I would have liked to have gotten there earlier and had a chance to enjoy the show but considering the circumstances, looking down at that shirt... the new me was pleased.

Even Presidents Should Have Fun Once in a While (4-25-2012)

Every time Obama has a beer, goes to a game, watches sportscenter, eats something or slow jams the news the other side has to criticize him and say things like "maybe he should spend more time finding people jobs or maybe spend more time doing his". Really? Really? The guy's got one of the toughest jobs in the world working crazy hours for an ungrateful group of people who have the attention spans and long term memory of goldfish and because of whose actions and lifestyle decisions the f****n Kardashians just got a 3 year $40 million extension. I swear this nation is full of spoiled hypocrites and haters. If it was their guy having pictures taken eating a burger somewhere they'd talk about how hard a job he has and that it's nice that the President gets to unwind once in a while. The president deserves a burger and a beer every night! Most of us don't work nearly as hard at such an impossible job and we stuff our fat faces every chance we get! Sometimes I think Republicans just like to complain about everything and anything until they are given what they want. Did I mention how I think we are spoiled in this country? In America, when people work long and hard at a tough job they tend to value their downtime. If you had the ability to spend yours on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon or at a baseball/basketball/hockey game, you know you'd do it.



You know I find it amazing that anyone other than an evil prick with a selfish agenda would want to get into politics with all the negativity and cynicism floating around. What does anyone stand to "gain" by getting into politics? Helping people? Maybe helping themselves and their buddies. Does anyone really, honestly think that any of these Republican candidates give a crap about poor and middle class people? About minorities? I just watched a 2 minute clip put forth by the Republicans making fun of Obama for appearing on a talk show while Romney went on talking about how he understands our frustration about the economy and the lack of jobs. Is he just saying what people want to hear? You're damn right he is! These guys aren't bringing in any jobs. They've spent the last 3 years tearing down every attempt Obama's tried to make to bring jobs and then criticizing him for not being able to deliver any. That, my friends is called “nerve”. Their idea of a healthy economy is letting the rich get richer, you know because they are the “job creators”. The rich are currently richer than ever right now… how’s that working out for the rest of us?



Over the next few months leading up to this election ol' Mitt will try to convince just over half of voting Americans that he's a regular guy who understands the common person. He'll try to convince us he truly understands our plight living check to check, job to job and living in debt. He’ll try to connect with the 99% despite being a proud, card carrying member of the 1%. Oh he'll try but anyone with half a brain will see through this. Unfortunately there is a large portion of America working on less than half a brain these days. People, Mitt isn't one of us. The man just put an elevator in his house... for his cars! He's not one of us, never has been and doesn't understand us which translated means, he will NOT be willing or able to fix our problems. Even if he had a tremendous change of heart and decided to be a selfless public servant, he wouldn't know how or where to begin. So he'll tear down Obama all he can and talk about how he has the answers. I have no doubt over the next few months we'll see Romney on any talk show, news show and in/on every public appearance he can find all the while attacking Obama for doing the same. It’s their way.



Has anyone noticed how gray Obama and other modern Presidents' hair has gotten during such a short period of time in office? What does this tell us? It’s a stressful gig. If anyone deserves to cut loose and have fun once in a while, it's the POTUS. So Barack should take in a game, a show or a drink every now and then. I think he’s earned it. He should come out this weekend and join me at the Battle at Buffalo. The battle can be a little lengthy but boy is it fun... and positive, something I’m sure he’d appreciate given the political climate in Washington. Besides it’s on Saturday night which perhaps the public won’t criticize so him so hard for. By the way, for those of you who may have forgotten, he hasn't even come close to vacationing or enjoying downtime as much as his predecessor did. I’m just sayin.

And if you do ever come around this way sir, the Guinness is on me!

2 Halves, 2 Hearts (4-18-2012)

When I’m quiet and stoic I’m like my dad. When I’m rambling, babbling and talking up a storm I’m like my mom. When I’m cold and distant I’m like my father. When I’m warm and when I care too much I’m like my mother. This is the story of two people, very different yet united by marriage and united within me. I have my father’s fiery temper yet it’s not quite as explosive as his was. Very few people see it. I have my mother’s propensity to stress over everything in my life and my friends' lives, except maybe it’s taken down a notch. Very few people see it. I have my father’s steely gaze and my mom’s big mouth and somehow it all fits. Lots of turmoil and anxiety manifests within yet there is also a simplicity and peace. One side takes control every now and then but eventually they balance themselves out. I am my mother, my father and I am Edwin. As improbable a journey as this has been, I never forget to enjoy the ride.