Even Presidents Should Have Fun Once in a While (4-25-2012)

Every time Obama has a beer, goes to a game, watches sportscenter, eats something or slow jams the news the other side has to criticize him and say things like "maybe he should spend more time finding people jobs or maybe spend more time doing his". Really? Really? The guy's got one of the toughest jobs in the world working crazy hours for an ungrateful group of people who have the attention spans and long term memory of goldfish and because of whose actions and lifestyle decisions the f****n Kardashians just got a 3 year $40 million extension. I swear this nation is full of spoiled hypocrites and haters. If it was their guy having pictures taken eating a burger somewhere they'd talk about how hard a job he has and that it's nice that the President gets to unwind once in a while. The president deserves a burger and a beer every night! Most of us don't work nearly as hard at such an impossible job and we stuff our fat faces every chance we get! Sometimes I think Republicans just like to complain about everything and anything until they are given what they want. Did I mention how I think we are spoiled in this country? In America, when people work long and hard at a tough job they tend to value their downtime. If you had the ability to spend yours on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon or at a baseball/basketball/hockey game, you know you'd do it.



You know I find it amazing that anyone other than an evil prick with a selfish agenda would want to get into politics with all the negativity and cynicism floating around. What does anyone stand to "gain" by getting into politics? Helping people? Maybe helping themselves and their buddies. Does anyone really, honestly think that any of these Republican candidates give a crap about poor and middle class people? About minorities? I just watched a 2 minute clip put forth by the Republicans making fun of Obama for appearing on a talk show while Romney went on talking about how he understands our frustration about the economy and the lack of jobs. Is he just saying what people want to hear? You're damn right he is! These guys aren't bringing in any jobs. They've spent the last 3 years tearing down every attempt Obama's tried to make to bring jobs and then criticizing him for not being able to deliver any. That, my friends is called “nerve”. Their idea of a healthy economy is letting the rich get richer, you know because they are the “job creators”. The rich are currently richer than ever right now… how’s that working out for the rest of us?



Over the next few months leading up to this election ol' Mitt will try to convince just over half of voting Americans that he's a regular guy who understands the common person. He'll try to convince us he truly understands our plight living check to check, job to job and living in debt. He’ll try to connect with the 99% despite being a proud, card carrying member of the 1%. Oh he'll try but anyone with half a brain will see through this. Unfortunately there is a large portion of America working on less than half a brain these days. People, Mitt isn't one of us. The man just put an elevator in his house... for his cars! He's not one of us, never has been and doesn't understand us which translated means, he will NOT be willing or able to fix our problems. Even if he had a tremendous change of heart and decided to be a selfless public servant, he wouldn't know how or where to begin. So he'll tear down Obama all he can and talk about how he has the answers. I have no doubt over the next few months we'll see Romney on any talk show, news show and in/on every public appearance he can find all the while attacking Obama for doing the same. It’s their way.



Has anyone noticed how gray Obama and other modern Presidents' hair has gotten during such a short period of time in office? What does this tell us? It’s a stressful gig. If anyone deserves to cut loose and have fun once in a while, it's the POTUS. So Barack should take in a game, a show or a drink every now and then. I think he’s earned it. He should come out this weekend and join me at the Battle at Buffalo. The battle can be a little lengthy but boy is it fun... and positive, something I’m sure he’d appreciate given the political climate in Washington. Besides it’s on Saturday night which perhaps the public won’t criticize so him so hard for. By the way, for those of you who may have forgotten, he hasn't even come close to vacationing or enjoying downtime as much as his predecessor did. I’m just sayin.

And if you do ever come around this way sir, the Guinness is on me!

2 Halves, 2 Hearts (4-18-2012)

When I’m quiet and stoic I’m like my dad. When I’m rambling, babbling and talking up a storm I’m like my mom. When I’m cold and distant I’m like my father. When I’m warm and when I care too much I’m like my mother. This is the story of two people, very different yet united by marriage and united within me. I have my father’s fiery temper yet it’s not quite as explosive as his was. Very few people see it. I have my mother’s propensity to stress over everything in my life and my friends' lives, except maybe it’s taken down a notch. Very few people see it. I have my father’s steely gaze and my mom’s big mouth and somehow it all fits. Lots of turmoil and anxiety manifests within yet there is also a simplicity and peace. One side takes control every now and then but eventually they balance themselves out. I am my mother, my father and I am Edwin. As improbable a journey as this has been, I never forget to enjoy the ride.   

Serendipity (4-6-2012)

This morning I realized I was far behind on my laundry. I didn't have any slacks to wear to work today. I started looking for sweats and track pants or some alternative and all those were dirty too. So I thought, well I can wear shorts or one of two pairs of these brand new dress pants I have. I really didn't want to wear the dress pants but it's way too chilly today for shorts so I went into the dresser drawer where the pants are and saw something I hadn't even thought about in a long time... several pairs of old jeans. I thought, oh wouldn't it be great if I could fit into those again. Then the thought hit me, why not try on a pair and see. I hadn't tried any of them on since last spring and haven't actually worn any of them in over a year. Last time I tried I could barely pull them up my legs and after I did, my stomach had gotten too big to even come close to closing them! So I grab a pair and start to slide them on one leg at a time. While doing this I began to warm up inside because as the first leg went in I thought it felt a bit loose and then when the second went in I became very optimistic. My legs fit into them with room to spare! I grab either side of the zipper and bring them together. They come together easily, naturally with no pulling, no sucking in my belly, no laying flat on anything. They closed with no effort. I smiled and thought, well maybe I can do laundry tomorrow.

Random thoughts (2-13-12)

Here are some random thoughts...

On the Grammys: For the most part I enjoyed the show. For a long time, going back to the mid-90’s I’ve disliked the whole deal but last night for me was pleasant bordering on good. And for the first time in many years I made it through the whole show. Sure there were some strange or awful moments but I stayed with it, actually trusting that something good would be coming up. Many times in the past I’d flip it on and some no talent hack would be winning an award over someone far more talented and then some ridiculously bad musical performance would have me looking for the remote almost as fast as those commercials with the little piggy yelling “weeeeeeeeeee” do. So kudos to them for getting better and I thought LL Cool J did a good job as host. It’s amazing to see how far this man has come in 25 years. I guess the same can be said about Ice T, Ice cube and others who have carved out very successful and diverse careers for themselves. Rap is a young person’s game and it’s not often you see some 40-year old rapper still on top. You have to either reinvent yourself or find a new line of work. These guys did both!


But back to the show…


I thought it was cool that Bon Iver won for Best New Artist (despite this being his 2nd record) and I really enjoyed his humble acceptance speech but speaking of speeches how cool was Dave Grohl's after the Foo Fighters won for an album they made in his garage on an old reel to reel tape? After seeing the Foo Fighters rockumentary “Back and Forth” last week and seeing them rip it up on the Grammys, I’d have to say I might be as big a fan of theirs right now than I ever have.


The Good the Bad and the What? As far as performances go I liked Jennifer Hudson’s Whitney tribute, Bruce Springsteen, Bruno Mars, the Beach Boys salute, Adele, the Glen Campbell tribute, Etta James tribute and the Foos. I didn’t care for Chris Brown’s music although his dancing was very impressive and I also yawned a lot during Katy Perry, Carrie Underwood and Lil Wayne. I also thought the Rihanna/Coldplay combo didn’t really work and Chris Martin’s voice sounded a bit off. The Paul McCartney stuff I wasn’t totally into but that awesome medley at the end with the 6 guitarists was pretty cool. Lastly, I’m still trying to figure out what was going on during that Nikki Minaj exorcist inspired musical segment.


One of my favorite unintentionally funny parts of the show is when the suit from the recording industry or some industry comes out to talk about the good things they do. He talks about music in schools, helping out musicians and lots of things we can all feel good about but then… he also sneaks in the pro-PIPA, pro-SOPA rhetoric. I remember thinking: Suck it suit! The show has been solid thus far, don’t push it! And by the way, isn’t “Grammy” an old fashioned way of saying Grandma? Just sayin. Keep the old folks and suits off the stage during the show. They are boring and we have no sympathy for the recording industry.


I can’t say I’ve been a big Whitney Houston fan for a long time so learning of her passing didn’t affect me the way Michael’s did but I absolutely loved her first 2 records and definitely was a fan of her early career. She had an amazing voice and while I’m not surprised to hear of another celebrity with substance abuse issues passing I am disappointed because I hoped Whitney would find the happiness that her gift gave to so many but apparently she couldn’t give to herself. RIP



On the subject of living I am very excited about my progress with my weight loss. I am just starting to be able to wear things I haven’t been able to wear since the summer and there’s a half-a-closet full of stuff I haven’t been able to wear in longer than that! I go out walking every day. I walk to work, I walk home from home and I do it as briskly as I can. Tonight even though I was under my daily calorie goal, I went out for a late night march of about 25 minutes. My plan is in a few more weeks to start jogging a little too. Right now I can walk pain free and my stamina is improving but I’m hoping for a little less ice and snow on the ground before I start to jog. Even tonight when I went out for my walk I slipped twice on spotty ice out there and the last thing I want to do right now is get hurt slipping on some stupid ice. I keep going day to day, chronicling my calories and trying to make better choices. I learn new things all the time and even though I'm a month in and I’ve made a lot of progress, I realize this journey is just beginning.


I made my first poetry slam performance last week and it was one of the toughest things I’ve ever done. This was the first time I’ve ever jumped onto a stage and read my work with lights on me. I like to be level, either sitting or standing with the audience. I don’t like the idea of being up above them and the lights were intense. I read a brand new piece that I only finished that day and an older one I knew I’d be comfortable with. The new one got better scores than the old one because the language was stronger. At poetry slams people are yelling, jumping, throwing hand gestures out there and being demonstrative. It’s performance poetry. While I’m influenced by slam I am not a textbook slam poet. I read in rhythm and sometimes my pieces are worded like slam but I’m not screaming, pounding my chest, flopping on the floor or putting on as much of a spectacle. I want the audience focused on my words more than my actions… kind of the opposite of how I’d like to be viewed off stage, lol. Out of 9 poets, I finished 7th that night. I didn’t expect to win because I was going up against experienced performance poets but I did learn a lot from the appearance and I will tweak and hone my craft for the next time I read at a slam… and I will read again at a slam. Who knows? Maybe it will be next month’s slam. :)


Silly things that make me excited: I bought a Buffalo Braves DVD. Since the Braves played here in the 70’s it’s basically a VHS recording burned onto a DVD but whatever. In the game on the DVD, Bob McAdoo scores 50 points in a 1975 playoff match against Washington at the old Aud. I just got it in the mail and I haven’t watched it yet. I kinda want to make a big deal out of it. Hell I might watch it on Valentine’s Day to help keep my spirits up which leads me to…


VD. Ah yes, another lonely Valentine’s Day. I would just love to spend the evening on the couch with my lady watching sappy movies and feeling thankful she’s in my life but once again I don’t have one. I do take responsibility for this and I am working on improving myself to the point where I can attract what it is I want which is someone extraordinary. Tomorrow will be tough though. I’ll have to fight the urge to listen to sad bastard music and I might want someone to lock me up in the house and hide my money from me til the 15th. You know, just to make sure I don’t buy any awful things to eat tomorrow evening. It’s a brief but intense depression I feel. I haven’t had a real Valentine on Valentine’s Day for 9 years and even though I’m in good spirits now, all the talk, the commercials, the songs, the news stories, the twitter and facebook posts and all the cutesy stuff that will find it’s way to me tomorrow will make me feel the loss and absence of my very own valentine. Oh, the special things I would do for her on this not really so special day. Let’s face it, VD isn’t a real holiday but it can be as real as you want it to be. For all of you fortunate enough to have a Valentine I hope you have a great day filled with love and joy. For those of you like me without one I say we have a big orgy. Okay, seriously I hope those of you like me can avoid all the crap that could make you feel the negative emotions and hey, if you need to indulge in some sweets to make up for the lack of one, I won’t judge.

Rules for your Super Bowl party (2-1-12)

Going to a Super Bowl party this weekend? Super Bowl parties have become some of the most important social gatherings of the year. These parties have gotten so big that whether you are hosting or going to one, the parties now seem to have an unwritten code of etiquette that many find confusing. Take heart football fans, it's unwritten no longer as right here I've spelled out those rules for you and you can take pride in acting accordingly this Sunday! Without further ado,  I present my Super Bowl Party Rules!

The Super Bowl Party Rules!

First things first. You must get into the mindset that Super Bowl Sunday is a National Holiday. IT IS! These days, many companies allow employees to come in late the next day, or even take the day off, especially in the cities represented in the game. All across America, when someone stumbles in an hour late that next day, bosses tend to be a little more lenient, especially if they are football fans themselves. Super Sunday is a big deal and should be treated as such! Once you accept this realization, these rules and guidelines will not only make sense to you but they will be easy to follow as well. And if you refuse to acknowledge the power of the pigskin… well I wouldn’t want you at my party. 

Now the rules and what you need to know:

-On attire: It is advised but not mandatory that you try to wear something football related whether it’s a t-shirt, hat, jersey, scarf, gloves, face paint or the ever popular zubaz pants. Bonus points to you if you can find more than one accessory! But wait, your favorite team isn't playing in the game... it doesn’t matter! If your team isn't playing in the game, you should represent for them regardless. Its okay to wear a Bills jersey, a Browns hat or a Jaguars ringer tee… this is as close to the big game as these teams get! Remember, we're all FOOTBALL fans no matter who we root for and we cannot lose sight of that on an important day like this. Show your team love and as is the case with other holidays, dressing up makes the day better! Can you imagine not wearing a costume on Halloween? A hideous sweater on Christmas? You would probably dress up for weddings, funerals and formal events and this is no less important!

-On what to bring: You are not actually required to bring anything to consume, provided you've received an invitation, but if you plan to consume large quantities of food and/or drinks, you should be courteous to the other guests and provide things for them to enjoy. This also means no "markup consuming", that is bringing a discount product of small quantity only to consume tons of someone else's high quality goods. Example: Bringing a 40 ounce bottle of Olde English malt liquor and then consuming a 6-pack of Guinness. You know in your hearts of hearts it’s not right and there should be honor among football fans. In addition, you cannot ask to take the unused portion of what you brought with you when you leave. It’s simply not polite. At the end of the party, if the host wants to get rid of some of the food/junk, you should take that opportunity to volunteer and be a “nice person”, otherwise consider ownership of your goods transferred to the host once you walk in the door.  

-On Substances: Every party guest acknowledges when they enter the party, it's like signing an invisible waiver stating that they will have no knowledge of any “alleged” legal or illegal consumption of alcoholic, psychoactive or hallucinogenic items during their stay. What people do to enhance the game or their mood is up to them. As long as none of the party rules are broken, everything is fine.

-On the party’s location: Be respectful of the host’s place. No recreating any plays from the game, tackling, throwing of objects like a football, showing off your “moves” or any other locker room inspired antics. If you need to dance, make sure you can do it in your space. If you need to recreate any action from the game, you must go out to the yard or the nearest available park. After all, the Super Bowl is played on a spacious turf, not in a living room. Treat the place as if it were your own. That also means offering to help with cleanup after the game. Surely you can grab a few dishes and put them in the sink/dishwasher. Think about why you didn’t host… because you didn’t want to have to deal with everything the host is dealing with! SO show compassion for those who have the courage to do what you are afraid to and pitch in. If you do, you’ll be sure to get an invite the following year, if not for the Big Dance, NHL playoffs or any future sporting event worthy of another party.

-On America: Everyone must stand, remove their hats and show respect for America during the National Anthem... even as the flavor of the month "recording artist" or old fossil "vocalist" butchers it.

-On the less fortunate: There are always some people at the Super Bowl party with little to no knowledge of football. Just know I and most knowledgeable attendees are more than happy to help answer any questions or explain any parts of the game that some may not be able to understand or follow but please withhold any appropriate questions until an appropriate time, like a bad commercial, a time out or a break in the action. However, I and even the most helpful of football fans will not answer any questions having to address any player’s martial status, butt or dreamy eyes.

Which leads me to...

-On the game chatter: Absolutely no dialogue can occur during the action other than reactions, instructions and exclamations to said action. This is especially true of the immediate perimeter around the television. Consider it a no-fly zone for irrelevant dialogue. Any parties not fully invested in the game may conduct conversations, face to face or phone to phone, especially the non-football kind in the kitchen or nearest bedroom. If it is to be an angry or loud non-game related conversation, it must be conducted at least 100 yards from any television at the Super Bowl party.

-On the expensive commercials: All commercials will be judged immediately with a quick and simple review ("well, that was just stupid") that must be given before the following commercial has ended... because that one must be judged as well!

-On potential human obstacles: Anyone standing in front of the television for any duration longer than .5 seconds should be pelted with all the food available to be thrown at that time. If they still have not complied then it will be time to introduce them to the sauces, dips and condiments at the party.

-On the halftime show: Since the halftime show features an old musical act that is no longer relevant, the previous rules of dialogue can be ignored and guests can and should talk freely. This would be a wonderful time to load up on food for the second half, get to the restroom and for those with less serious questions to ask them. Keep in mind, if a guest gets up and goes into a room leaving something behind on their seat, the seat should still be considered occupied and for all intents and purposes they are still sitting there and should not lose their place. This is their reward for arriving either early or on time. If the seat is left uncovered or as it was at the beginning of the party, the rules of “finders’ keepers” will apply and in the case of a tie, a friendly arm-wrestling match, coin flip or staring contest shall be used to settle the dispute. In every case, the host may bypass the need for a contest and simply award the seat to whomever they feel deserving of it. 

-On children at the party: No kids are allowed primarily due to the saucy language expressed throughout the game by the serious football fans, drunk people or both. Kids also have a hard time following many of the rules laid out in this big game planner and the only “time outs” at a Super Bowl party happen in the game. Find a sitter.

-On Food: Keep it simple- no tofu, high brow or vegan stuffs unless your entire guest list is comprised of vegans. Let’s be honest though, if have 15 vegans coming over for something, it certainly isn't going to be to watch a football game. In addition, guests should not bring anything incredibly messy that cannot be contained safely on a paper plate. This goes back to the previous rule about respecting the host’s place. The carpet is not a forum for your abstract modern lasagna art.

-On Party etiquette: Despite the fact you are probably eating like a pig from a trough, dressed loosely and comfortably and around many of your friends there are some manners you should attempt to employ at the party for the greater good:  

Double dipping: This should not have to be explained. Think of the famous Seinfeld episode: “That’s like putting your whole mouth right in the dip. Look, from now on, when you take a chip… just take one dip and end it!”

The Passage of gas (burping and farting): Unless your party consists exclusively of very large men with no regard for such things there will be no “sharing” allowed in this manner. Farters should be treated like smokers and sent outside to conduct their dirty business. Belchers do not have to go to the same lengths but should attempt to muffle and certainly should not blow or direct the burp at any other attendees. In the case of an accidental release where a muffle or some type of control is not an option, an apology must be presented immediately and the offender will be placed on immediate party probation, meaning that any further violations will result in the guest losing their seat and having to watch the rest of the game from the outer perimeter of the party. If the offender is already on the outer party perimeter, they should be reminded that they are very close to the door. When dealing with repeat offenders with no regard for human life, they should either be removed from the party altogether or placed securely in a tight closet where they alone will have to endure their insolence.     

Lastly: Under no circumstances is anyone other than the host allowed to change the channel, and even the host MUST have a legitimate reason (i.e. an emergency) for doing so.

So that's it! These are the rules for the big game. If you and your guests follow these simple rules there is no reason why your Super Bowl party won’t be a smashing success!

Willing and Unable (1-2-12)

I was going to post a blog the day after Christmas called “living or dying”. It was about my weight gain and how it’s affected me the last few months, the feelings it has generated and the limitations and handicaps I’ve put on myself. It was about how I need to make real, hard choices and how I need to make them soon. I was going to post that blog but after proofreading it I thought it was too much of a bummer to post and that I'd feel better or differently within a day or two. Unfortunately I don't.

Tonight I was going to read at Caffe Aroma’s open mic poetry night. I was there later than I wanted to be but when I arrived it was around 8:40, about twenty minutes before it was supposed to start. I walked in and looked around. The first thing I always do when I go into a coffee shop is look around for where I will try to sit. As I stood in line my eyes scanned the entire place. There wasn’t anywhere to sit. I mean, there were a few open chairs, but they were open chairs at tables where couples sat, or in very tight places in between two other people. Therein lies the problem. I don’t want to try to do tight spaces. In fact, these days I almost don’t want to leave the house. I stood and scanned back and forth trying to figure out a way. While I scanned I also noticed there were no familiar faces. I mean, there were people there I’ve seen before but no friends. I started thinking about whether I really wanted to read tonight. Ten seconds later I was back on Elmwood Avenue heading home.

I’ve been riding the delicate balance of joy and sadness lately and it seems sadness is winning most of the time. Why? Because no matter what fun I have, no matter what wonderful things I do I always return to the mirror. The mirror doesn’t lie. When I look into the mirror these days I hate what I see. I’m not very good to myself because of that hatred. I pondered why I hate myself so much and why I treat myself so poorly. I hate myself because I am fat. It’s that simple.

Why am I fat? My life is full of catches and excuses. I care about myself most when someone cares for me but no one will come into my life and care for me until I take the time to care about myself. In addition I hate myself because I am fat but eating is one of the few things I like to do (and can do) and probably the only thing I look forward to daily. Basically, I’m single and lonely because I’m fat and I’m fat because I’m single and lonely. I think that just about covers it. 

Part of the reason I walked out of Caffe Aroma tonight is because I kinda didn’t want to be there in the first place. When I saw how full it was and with no friends there yet I guess I used that to finish rationalizing why I wouldn’t perform that night. The deep truth is I don’t want anyone to see me. I don’t want anyone to see me like this and to continue being frank, it’s hard for me to go anywhere or do anything anymore unless someone is with me. When I am with a friend or two or ten I feel stronger, more confident. Perhaps this is where the phrase “strength in numbers” comes from. When I am alone, I constantly want to hide. I’m so lonely but I don’t want anyone to see me… how do I reconcile this? 

The simple fact of the matter is I feel so disgusting that I couldn’t bear to have anyone look at me up there reading tonight. While I want the open mic to grow and there to continue to be many poets and poetry fans in attendance, tonight I was hoping hardly anyone would be there. I love to read but I hate to be seen. That might have a lot to do with why I’ve always been drawn to the non-visual mediums of radio and writing. Tonight I was afraid of people looking at me, afraid of chairs creaking when I sit in them, afraid of having a little more hobble in my walk than I used to and afraid of what people might be thinking about me. I used to think I had serious social anxieties but I’ve learned that these social anxieties I think I have are all in my head, or better yet all in my belly.

Nowadays I look forward to very little. The only thing I feel like I can consistently get excited about each day is lunch or dinner. But this is me at my weakest. I feel like this is a major point in my life. I almost feel like this is a choice between living and dying. Do I want to continue to live like this? It’s almost like I’m slowly killing myself and that’s not something I want. I think I want to do the right thing. I think I want to feel better about myself and my appearance but then why do I keep eating myself into complete seclusion and ill health?

I’ve always been a little chubby but there’s a difference between that and not being able to walk a block without being semi-out of breath and having my back ache. I had a 3-day Christmas weekend and outside of a pleasant breakfast with my good friends Christmas morning it was one of the worst Christmases ever. Those 3 days for the vast majority of them I’d never felt so alone and far away and it’s going to continue to get worse unless I do something about it.

On New Year’s Eve I had such a great time with my friends. It was one of the best New Year’s I’ve ever had. It was probably the best day I’ve had in a month. It was so nice to finally feel good for a change but it lasted only until the next day. That’s when I started to see pictures from the night before and I was face to face with this enormous guy. It was me. While the mirror doesn’t lie it doesn’t always show you the full picture. In the photos I could see myself head to toe and all I kept thinking was how could I let myself get so far out of control? I’m so embarrassed and ashamed. At the same time, I needed to see those photos, despite the short term sadness because just maybe it’s the wake up call I need. Maybe when I feel the need to overeat or have something terrible for me I should look at those pictures. Perhaps the long term benefits are worth the short term pain. Perhaps by the summer when my urges to go out and do things increase I won’t flake out or be afraid to do things. Maybe I won’t have to worry about being “too fat” to go out. Some people are too broke. Others are too tired or too busy to do things. Here I am essentially too fat to live my life to the fullest. This has to change or I might as well start writing my obituary. I know that’s a strong thing to say but all I’m doing is living unhealthy and slowly bringing about my demise. I enjoy life too much for that. There’s still way too much hope inside me to give up. There still an abundance of love I have to share. My story is not done yet but maybe this is the pivotal chapter where things start to change.

I’ve never been comfortable in my own skin. It almost doesn’t seem fair. When I was thin and in great shape I didn’t know who I was or what exactly I wanted. It was like I was great on the outside and undercooked on the inside. All these years later when I better know who I am and have confidence in my abilities I feel like my physical insecurities hold me back like I’m fine on the inside but messed up on the outside. When will I ever have balance? I know it’s on me to make it, to find it, but it’s so hard. For all the ups and downs, falls, triumphs, wrong turns and accomplishments it’s so hard to be on this ride alone. In those moments of weakness I don’t have someone to hold me, to look me in the eyes and recharge my resolve without even saying a word because I know they are there for me. Sometimes I guess I feel like living for myself isn’t enough. I wish I had someone dear to me to live for, to inspire me, to give me strength. I know if I were with someone who loved me I would be in far better shape emotionally and physically. It would also be nice to have someone who loved me since I don’t always love myself. I mean, I could say that I do but my actions show otherwise.

I think I should stop here because I do feel better getting this out and I don’t want to be too redundant. I’m sorry I didn’t stay at Aroma to read tonight but I am compelled to do things like flee when my emotions get the better of me. I don’t know what the future holds. I know where I have to go. I know what I have to do. I know it will be hard. I don’t know if I can do it but I feel like I have no choice. Wish me luck.

Flushed! (11-16-11)

Things at work changed a little when the store recently hired a new manager. Since our department works closely with them, their hirings and firings can affect us. At first I was all for the change. The old manager, while a nice guy, had little leadership abilities. He was lazy and never wanted to try to do anything to improve the store despite having the means to do so. Part of our job since we moved here 18 months ago is to help boost the store with extra merchandise and product but it often seemed like he wanted nothing to do with us and boxes of merchandise that we’d give them more often ended up hidden in a supply room or closet than placed for sale in the racks.  It infuriated me because back when he got the job 2 years earlier, I interviewed for it as well and I spent at least 30 minutes supposedly dazzling the executive vice-president of our company with my passion and ideas for the store. In the end, they decided on continuity and promoted the store assistant manager than bring me over from a different building (we were located elsewhere at the time) and teach me everything from scratch. In the past they did offer me the manager’s job at other stores. I distinctly remember getting offered the opportunity to run the Niagara Falls store a few years back but I turned it down because of the distance and I thought they were going to close that store in a matter of months anyway. As it turned out, it closed less than a year later. This one job however I really wanted and was denied.

Fast forward nearly 2 years later and now our department is in the same building as the store and we are working together with them trying to get sales up in a time when record stores are becoming as hard to find as 8-tracks. Finally the office decided to make a change at manager when it became apparent that sales were going nowhere and the relationship between the store manager and my boss was ice cold at best.

This time I didn’t apply for the position but I never would have gotten the chance to anyway as they brought over an old employee/friend from a closing Borders store to assume the job. My boss still took me aside and gave me a pep talk telling me how valuable I am and yada yada, but I really didn’t care. Truth is I’ve stopped giving my best to this company a few years back. I used to work so hard every day and constantly offer ideas and energy to the cause but as time has worn on this company has eaten away at me. I can and will still give it everything I’ve got when needed but for the most part I work pretty half assed now. I don’t offer ideas any longer because they are pointless over deaf ears. I could go on and on about the antiquated methods, unpleasant or unbalanced people and poor decisions this company has made but lately my venom is only concentrated on one issue.

The new manager is either in his 40’s or 50’s and he works twice as hard as the last guy did so that’s a good thing. At first I really was excited about a real worker coming in to run the store and things have improved from a business standpoint. I’m not sure how I feel about the guy on a personal level though. He appears corny and very phony to me but so do most people these days. It’s the first time I can remember this store not having someone young, hip or both as manager. There is a difference. There’s less slacking but more rules. One of the reasons I still work here is due to the freedom my boss has given me. I know what my job is, what tasks need to get done, how to go about doing it and I can come and go as I please. I work 40 hours a week and if it takes me 4 days or 6 to get there or close to it, so be it. If I want to work 12-8 instead of 9-5, no one says anything. If I want to take a 2 hour lunch/siesta and then just stay a little later or come in on the weekend to make up the time, no problem. It’s hard to put a value on being able to come and go as one pleases but after 8 years and tremendous displays of loyalty and effort, I should be entitled to some perks, especially in lieu of low pay.

2 weeks ago on the weekend there was an incident. From what I understand a person came in who a few employees knew as a bit nutty to begin with. He went into the bathroom and started screaming, kicked the walls and then came out and told an already frightened employee that he was going to kill him and then promptly left. This incident also occurred a few weeks after the theft of hand lotion and soap from the bathroom. The next day when the new manager got wind of the latest incident, the bathrooms were deemed no longer available to customers. An overreaction? Maybe, but I didn’t care that much until I considered that I didn’t have a key to the bathroom. Were the bathrooms completely off limits? We were told that they were not but our internet retail crew in the back would have to get a key from someone up front each time we had to use it. Oh joy! 

My first thought was one of disgust. I don’t want someone knowing every time I had to use the bathroom. I’d rather not discuss it, let alone announce my intentions when I track down the keymaster. To me this amounted to having to get permission to go potty which made me very upset. I remember saying “I’m a grown-ass man who has worked for this company for 8 years; I’m not asking permission to use the bathroom.” The answer was simple; they needed to give me a key. But nothing is simple in this company.

The first excuse was they couldn’t give out any keys because the bathroom key also opened up the door to 2 other rooms. I asked what rooms they were and it turns out one of them is the room I work in and the other is an adjacent room I can walk into at anytime. So basically the key opens up the bathroom and 2 rooms I already have access to. Okay, give me a key.

Next came a compromise: they’d still have a key up front and we would get a key in back that the 4 of us would share. It seemed like a good idea until I thought about who I worked with. First there’s a lady with 3 kids who seems to be sick every other week. Next there’s an artist guy who wears the same clothes every day and I wouldn’t trust to wash his hands and lastly there’s another guy who often gets colds as well as the gout due to his sloppy eating habits. I’m not trying to share a key with this crowd and have to deal with their germs. I don’t trust them and quite frankly they shouldn’t trust me. The whole thing had gone past ridiculous to absurd.

Meanwhile as this arrangement was being discussed a whole week goes by where I was trying VERY hard to not go to the bathroom at work. I always drink 4-5 cups of water from the water cooler each day but now I had to stop drinking anything so I wouldn’t have to go. One night I was there late and I actually went home an hour early because I had to go. Another night I finally broke down and thought, well how bad could it be. I went out and asked for the key. The place stopped. All 3 people there were looking at me as the one assistant manager began to look for his keys. I felt mortified. The key was attached to his personal keychain and he handed it to me and I tentatively took it. I felt bad that I was taking this guy’s keys with me into the bathroom. I washed my hands thoroughly and when I returned the keys a few minutes later I made sure to tell him that. This whole deal has made me very uncomfortable and I feel like the new manager and our company is treating us like children.

It boils down to this: I don’t want to tell you I’m going to the bathroom. I don’t want to have to see someone when I do. I don’t want to talk about it and I don’t want to know about it. I think of a bathroom visit as a very personal and private thing not something to share publicly and draw attention to. If you work for a company full time, you should be able to go to the bathroom without any concern other than worrying about if someone is in there.  

Towards the end of last week and so far during this one I’ve decided to go home for lunch again. I used to do this during the summer and have resumed doing so in the wake of this dilemma. Going home for lunch is awesome and I would love to do it every day but the travel time is about 7-8 minutes each way and I probably like to relax and eat for about 30 minutes making each day’s lunch break at least 45 minutes long. Well, that’s a little longer than the 30 minutes I would take if I stayed into the building so that adds some time I have to make up by staying a little later each night and/or coming in on the weekend. It’s not the end of the world and I really enjoy getting out of the building during lunch but a bigger problem is on the horizon. We are weeks if not days away from seeing regular snowfall and cold temps. For someone who bikes or walks to and from work, taking lunch at home will be a longer break and a lot more effort on my part having to deal with the elements. Something needed to be done.

I again voiced my frustration and displeasure with the situation. Our company deliveryman who has a bathroom key even though he’s hardly ever in the building told me he’d make me a copy. I got a little excited but I tempered that with skepticism. In this company seeing is believing and until I had that key in my hand I wasn’t going to let myself get too excited. The deliveryman came in and out several times today and with each pickup and drop off I became a little bit anxious. Was I about to get my very own bathroom key? Or was I about to be told otherwise? The suspense was killing me.

Finally at the end of the day he came in and only 2 of us remained in the back. He said he talked to the company vice-president and he wants all of us to share 1 key in the back so we don’t have to ask the store up front for theirs. Despite my complaints, despite my discomfort I now have to share a bathroom key with 3 people who I do not trust germ-wise. The deliveryman said that the store manager up front has the extra key and he will find a place to put it back in our area. Why can’t we choose where we want to put our key? I only asked this question in my head because I know better than anyone that asking logical questions is pointless around here.

Shortly after hearing the recent development that took almost 2 weeks to arrive, the manager guy left for the day without placing the key for us. So, do we have to ask him to do it? What the hell? Just give up the key and we’ll put it in a convenient place. Earlier today when one of my co-workers needed to use the bathroom the manager walked him there and unlocked the door for him without handing over his key for even a minute. Bathroom escorts? Is that what we have come to? People who have been here for a few months are acting like people who have been here for years can’t be trusted. I am not a monkey. I will not fling my poo about haphazardly. I won’t do it purposely either (not yet). Pardon the pun and the swearing but this whole thing feels like a shitty thing to do to long time employees who had nothing to do with the incidents at the root of this action.

I feel the lowest level of morale I’ve ever felt working here and maybe that’s why I’m here working late tonight blogging instead of giving my best. I don’t know how much longer I can put up with this stupid company. Soon it may be time where I’ll really have to go.